DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old woman with a slight problem… I think.

You see, pretty much my whole life, I’ve only seemed to be able to become interested in girls I’ve been friends with for a while. By a while I mean a few months to a year. I’ve only been in 3 relationships of any length and that’s only because the friends I was interested in made the first move in those cases. So far, I’ve only had one friend react horribly to me voicing my feelings but one was enough to make me afraid to do it again.

I’ve tried online dating not because I felt like “I need a girlfriend so let me jump on OkCupid for a bit.” (I’ve never felt the “need a girlfriend” thing as in “I have a girlfriend shaped space in my life that I’m taking auditions for” sort of thing. I’m either interested in someone or I’m not, which in a way might be part of the issue.) but more as a prophylactic against having to deal with a friend-crush yet again. Each attempt was disappointing. I kept being torn between (a) trying to go on more dates with a cool-seeming girl in hopes that maybe at some point I might feel something and possibly stringing them along in the process or (b)drop the cool-seeming girl I’m not really feeling any attraction to and try to find someone elseI might feel that spark more quickly with which I inevitably won’t and end up considering repeating (a) in the process.

Even people I’ve known for not long enough who show interest in me don’t seem to have an effect. One girl I met about 8 months ago started showing some signs and I wasn’t feeling it. After about 3-4 months she stopped and then 4 months later BOOM, guess who’s interested? ME of course!

But my question isn’t so much about how to find a girlfriend (though feel free to tack that on if you’ve got it, Doc.) but rather, how do you go through life knowing you’ll be in this situation over and over again with the scary-as-hell specter of Nice Guys/Girls and backdoor friendship gambits? I really do care about the friends I have (especially since I warm up to friends very slowly too) and I don’t want any of them to have to worry about why I became friends with them in the first place or to have to inventory every nice thing I’ve done for them to check it for traces of slime.

Is there any sort of heads-up I can give new of existing friends that says “Hey, I’m not a cowardly backdoor-ing friendship-swindler. This is just how I’m wired to the best of my knowledge.”? Is there any way I can somehow generate interest in someone who isn’t quite doing it for me yet so I can actually “strike while the iron is hot” as the advice normally goes?

Any help is very much appreciated.

Sincerely,

I Don’t Wanna Date in Vain

DEAR I DON’T WANNA DATE IN VAIN: There’s actually a term for people who have the attraction pattern that you have, IDWDIV: it’s called “demisexuality.”

Just as sexual orientation falls on a spectrum, sexual desire and attraction patterns also fall along a spectrum. Some people have the more common pattern of attraction (they feel sexual desire easily, often for many people, without needing a strong emotional connection) on one end, while some can take or leave sex and some at the far end may feel no sexual desire whatsoever. Demisexuality is a part of that spectrum; it means that you develop sexual attraction for somebody when you start to form an emotional connection or feel emotional intimacy with somebody. The sexual attraction tends to be developed over time as you get to know them and create those emotionally intimate bonds. While the term is relatively new, more and more people are starting to recognize that it’s how they’re wired.

I’d recommend checking out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org, which can provide a whole host of resources about asexuality and demisexuality, as well help connect you with communities of people who have similar experiences. This can help you learn more and help you realize that you’re not unusual — or that you can’t date or find people who will want to date you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to date at your own pace, whether you want to try dating someone you may not feel strongly for yet, or whether you want to wait until you actually do have feelings for them.

And it’s totally fine to go on a date or two to decide if someone seems like they might be somebody you COULD grow to care for. You don’t need – nor are you generally expected to – to be in love within three dates. It’s OK to date people you generally like and enjoy spending time with, even if you’re not feeling the hearts and cartoon birds feelings yet. Just be upfront with them that you take time to really connect with someone. Let them know that this is how you work and give them the option to decide whether that’s something they’d want to opt-in for.

As for platonic friends you get crushes on: it’s cool. Crushes happen. The problem with the Platonic Best Friend Backdoor Gambit is when you’re not genuinely friends with them and are only waiting for that moment of weakness you can exploit. You can have a crush on someone without needing to do something about it. You’re welcome to just enjoy that feeling without taking it as an imperative to turn it into something more.

The difference between someone who’s trying to Nice Guy or Nice Girl their way into somebody’s pants is that they are deceiving the person they supposedly care for. They’re friends under false pretenses, trying to use their platonic relationship as a way to sneak themselves into a sexual or romantic one.

That’s vastly different from genuinely being friends with someone and developing feelings; this happens all the time.

The way that you avoid people thinking that you’re just trying to backdoor your way into their heart and/or their pants is to live with integrity. Being honest and living and behaving in the ways that align with your values demonstrates to others that it’s not that your friendship comes with an agenda, it’s that they’re an awesome person that you care for, and your feelings have evolved from friendship to romantic.

If you’re not trying to force a friendship into a relationship, then odds are nobody will really make a fuss about it or throw accusations of your trying to Nice Girl your way into their pants. If it becomes an issue: again, just be up front. Take ownership of it: “hey, listen, I think you’re really cool and I’ve sorta developed this crush on you. It’s not a big deal, it’s not something you need to respond to and I really enjoy being your friend. It’s just something that happens to me on occasion.”

They’ll take their lead from you: if you don’t treat it as something shameful or awkward, then they won’t treat it that way either.

But then again: you may also find that they’ve developed feelings of their own.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why does seem not ok to reject a girl’s offer of friendship after a failed romantic gesture? 

I don’t mean forcing a woman into a romantic situation but rather saying, “No, I really don’t want to have a friendship with you. I respect your decision not be romantic but I don’t think that friendship would be a good for me.” I’ve tried to explain that I don’t feel we’re entering on equal grounds into the friendship, that the woman is dictating the terms of the friendship. Moreover, that in order to not cross her boundaries I have to become emotionally and sexually repressive, which leads to being emotionally cut to the other person and to waves of frustration.

In addition, I’m an Asian male so the playing the friend role makes me feel like I’m living in a cultural stereotype.

Yet, consistently, I’ve been told that I’m being unfair or that I’m obligating them into a romantic situation. I feel like I’ve become the bad guy in a way I don’t understand. By not accepting their offer of friendship, I’ve pressured them into a role they don’t want to play. So the reverse happens, I am now pressured into a role I don’t want to play or feel is demeaning to my person. I feel I’ve become morally obligated to be repressed, that I have to willing acknowledge that what I want doesn’t matter.

Trying to Avoid The Friend Zone

DEAR TRYING TO AVOID THE FRIEND ZONE: Just as someone isn’t required to date you, you’re not required to be their friend if that’s not what you’re looking for. The only thing is to be upfront without being rude.

I suspect that there are lines of communication being crossed here, TATFZ. If you’re presenting it the way you say: that you think they’re an awesome person, but you don’t think you could be their friend in good faith and so you’re pulling back, then it really shouldn’t be an issue. You’re being upfront and sincere and hopefully not giving the impression that you think that friendship with them is the conciliation prize. It should be fairly cut and dry.

So either you’re not quite sending the message you think you are, or somewhere along the lines, somebody is hearing “You’re awesome but the relationship you want isn’t what I want, and I respect you enough to not pretend otherwise, peace out Cub Scout” and deciding that this is some sort of pressure tactic without any real reason to do so.

However, if you’re suddenly being incredibly cold to them… well, I can understand why they might feel like you’re trying to do a relationship equivalent of the freeze out, especially if they’re someone you interact with on a regular basis or someone you might have been friends with prior to asking them out. In that case, you may need to explain in a little more detail that you’re going to have to pull back for a while so that you aren’t frustrating yourself or putting pressure on them and that it’s about you managing your feelings, not about them.

If that’s not the case, if it really is that they just don’t want you leaving on your terms or want you to stick around even when it’s going to be painful to you, that’s their damage, not yours.

In general however, I’d suggest leaving out the bit about women dictating the terms of the friendship. I realize that you mean that you feel that the relationship would be one-sided, but the way you’re saying it is never going to come across as anything other than a “f

k you for rejecting me.” Framing it as “I feel that I don’t think I could be your friend while I still have these romantic/sexual feelings for you, and trying to force it would only end up hurting both of us,” carries the same message without making it about someone “dictating terms” or trying to force you into something you don’t want.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some help on this subject, as its been tormenting me for years upon years and I cant get out of it. Why does desperation turn away women from men? It doesn’t make sense, especially evolutionary speaking. We are biologically programmed to want sex, so if someone doesn’t get it for a long time, that means they want it more right?

It frustrates me to no end hearing people I know complain they haven’t had sex for a week and say “OMG I’m so horny and desperate,” yada yada yet they go and get laid easily. I’ve been in a f

king rut for over 5 years and i don’t get what the hell is wrong. I have lots of friends, a good job, I have interesting hobbies, and people tell me I’m well socially calibrated, so theres no reason I shouldn’t be having so much trouble getting laid. What I am desperate for now is relief in just having this issue understood, so I can get over it and get on with my life.

I don’t even need a relationship or to be dependent on someone.

I don’t want to objectify women, I don’t want to go down the PUA route, I certainly don’t want to identify with the Incel label because that will get me into deeper s

t and, I really don’t want to end up bitter and hating for women. It doesn’t make sense.

Please help, Doc. Thanks,

Dry Spell

DEAR DRY SPELL: Here’s the problem, my dude: desperation is an ugly and unpleasant emotion and it broadcasts negative things about you. It affects your behavior, the way you talk to people, the way you interact with them, even things as minor as the way you sit and stand. I mean, just in this letter, I can see the anger and bitterness you’re feeling right now and even that is going to affect how people interpret your behavior.

Now don’t get me wrong: it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling frustrated, even angry. But it’s holding onto that anger and the resentment that you’re displaying towards people who don’t have your dilemma that’s the problem… not the lack of sex.

Like I’ve said many a time before: if the problem is just getting laid, then there’s any number of ways to solve that issue. There are sex-workers out there who’ll be happy to help resolve the tension. It’s a little more complicated because hey, we’re in a global pandemic and sex tends to involve a LOT of the behaviors that increase the risk of spreading COVID — face-to-face contact, heavy breathing, etc. — but there ARE folks out there who are facilitating sex and sexual contact while following the safe-sex guidelines put out by the New York City Department of Health and the British Columbia Centre For Disease Control. In fact, the blog The Beautiful Kind has an excellent post about safe-sex during COVID that’s well-worth reading at https://nrdlv.co/3h4j7oP

Alternately If you don’t want to pay, period, then you could always go hitting up Tinder and OKCupid and Hinge and find a woman who may well decide that getting to know someone and risking a little socially less-distanced activity would be exactly what she needs.

But, as with many other people who complain about their dry spell or the lack of sexual activity, I suspect that the problem is less the physical act and more the things that surround getting laid – the feeling of being desired by another person, the intimacy of it, even the validation of of sleeping with a beautiful woman. These tend to be the real issues around a lengthy dry-spell. And that gives us the places where you need to start.

In your case, you need to find ways to let go of your anger and frustration. Yes, I realize it’s easy for me to say that but trust me when I say I’ve been where you are and it ain’t pretty. That frustration is going to be your number one issue that’s going to get in the way of getting laid. Even if you think you’re able to mask it long enough to message someone on OKCupid or Tinder, it’s going to lead to your tripping over your own dick. You’ll push to go too far, too fast or just give of that nebulous “something’s not right here” vibe and end up in a self-reinforcing spiral.

So what do you do? Well to start with, you need to change your attitude. It feels like woo-woo feel good bulls

t, but science backs it up: people with more positive attitudes are more popular, more well liked and do better in general. They’re more emotionally resilient, which means that their failures don’t destroy them. They’re on the look out for opportunities, so they’re in a better position to take advantage of them and maximize their chances. It’s not easy; positivity is a habit and you have to consciously work to change your outlook. One of the first ways you can start making that change is to start practicing gratefulness for the things you do have instead of lamenting what you don’t have. It helps change the context of “I’m awful because I don’t have X” to “I’m glad that I have all these wonderful things,”

Trust me: even that little shift can make a major difference.

Once you start getting a handle on your outlook, read this article about isolating and dealing with your sticking points: https://nrdlv.co/2PWakt8. That will help you zero in on the other areas where you’re having problems.

And while you’re at it, get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga or other similar sex-toy. I’m being utterly serious here. It’s a completely different experience than just old-fashioned dates with Rosie Palms. It’s not a substitute for sex with another person, but it’ll definitely help dial back that nagging “MUST GET LAID AT ALL COSTS” you’re feeling as you work at your self-improvement. And it may also teach you a little about what you actually need, sexually, from a partner and how you can communicate those needs once you find someone who’s equally down to clown as you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve heard good things about you, so I’m hoping you could help me with what I’d describe as a social anxiety problem.

I’m a 20 year old cis man, going to be 21 later this year. I’m currently living with my family and working part time. I’m a bit overweight but I am trying to diet, and I’m hoping I can manage it with my sweet tooth.

One thing that’s really bothered me basically my whole life is that I have Asperger Syndrome. This made it really hard for me to handle myself in social situations. It got especially rough during middle school and high school. I’d throw tantrums, I’d break down over simple things, and worst of all, I was terrible at making friends. I didn’t really get a chance to hang out with anyone until my last year of high school and by then they were all busy with college stuff and there wasn’t that much time left to spend.

Right now, my social circle is about zero. I think the last time I really hung out with anyone was last year or the year before. A lot of times, I’m okay by myself, but it can get lonely at times, not being able to actually be in the same room as someone around my age. It can get pretty lonely. I’ve reached out to some old friends before, one quite recently, in fact, but it can feel awkward for me since it’s been ages since we talked and I’m not sure what to say. And sometimes they just don’t talk to me and I have no idea why.

And that leads me to more recently where… I guess I’ve been bit by the sex bug or something. I’ve just been really interested in having sex with someone. I’ve never had it before, and there are several people I follow online who aren’t afraid to talk about what they’ve done. I know it’s not a race or anything, but just hearing about it makes me wish I could experience what they have.

And then there’s a whole issue of intimacy. I feel like I’d want my sexual encounters to be a more consistent, one-to-one thing. I’ve read some of your responses and articles regarding friends with benefits, and I don’t know if it would make me feel shallow. Like, part of me is thinking “sex can just be an activity that two people or more can enjoy together, regardless of if they’re into one another, just good friends, or whatever.” On the other hand, there’s a part of me that feels like with sex, you kind of cross some line regarding friendship, like there’s something more going on.

I’m really on the fence about it and I don’t know how to feel. Like, I feel like if I found a person willing to do it with me, I’d want to continue with that person and I am almost afraid of not knowing what to do with this woman and where to go down the line. Would it feel less special? Would things get awkward between us? It’s a lot to think about.

So anyway, between dealing with my loneliness on occasion, having a small social circle, trying to reconnect with old friends, “being bitten by the sex bug” as I put it, and having so many damn thoughts about the damn thing, I suppose my question is, “Is it a good idea to put myself out there? And if so, how?”

Like, for real, I don’t know where to start. I live in a suburban neighborhood, so there aren’t exactly any trendy nightclubs or bars in my area. I mean, there might be if I drove around, but again, basically no idea where to look. I know there are sites like meetup.com, where you can find people with similar interests, mainly stuff like gaming, Internet stuff, and other pop culture stuff, but I don’t know if that’s my only option. If I were looking for a girlfriend, would I try online dating? There are like a million sites and apps to choose from. I don’t know what I’d choose. Plus, I’m not the most physical of specimen, so I’m kinda worried that would hurt my chances.

As for the sex thing… honestly, I’m not 100% sure what I want. I don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship yet. I still want to build my social skills a bit. And at this point, I’m not sure FWBs would be a good idea either. I’m not sure if it would end well for me or her and the prospect kind of scares me. Hell, maybe the whole “sex bug bite” thing will pass in… I don’t know how long. Days? Weeks? Months? I don’t know.

I’m not sure what I want, but I guess having a group of friends would be a good start. And I’m really unsure how to proceed. Maybe building up my social skills? But I don’t know how. Maybe I’m not ready for sex at all because I’m afraid I’ll let her down. Or, like I said, maybe these feelings will pass in a while. Thinking about it now is kind of nerve-wracking. I’m really unsure how to go forward and you tend to give sound advice. Can you think of a course of action for me to take? Or just any advice in general? I’d appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Dazed, Desiring & Desolate

DEAR DAZED, DESIRING & DESOLATE: You’re overthinking things, 3D. 90% of what you’re getting spun up about are, in the scheme of things, fairly minor. You’re putting a lot of thought and energy into minor details and letting the sheer magnitude of it all overwhelm you. Practically speaking, it’s all much simpler than you’re worried about. Like I just told Starting Over Single yesterday: most of building a relationship with someone is just about connecting with them, getting to know them and finding the person who’s weird matches yours.

The difference is that you’re coming to this from a very different place, with some unique challenges — on top of the very real challenges of dating during the COVID-19 pandemic. The key is to focus your time and attention on the right areas that’ll put you on the path to getting what you want.

Here’s my question for you, 3D: how is your life right now? How you feel about yourself and your life goes a long way towards having a successful or unsuccessful social life.

You mentioned that in high-school, you had issues with getting overwhelmed and how being stressed and overstimulated could cause problems. Do you have that under control? Are you in a better position to manage your emotional needs so that you feel in control and confident? The more you feel that you have a handle on that, the less anxious you’ll be in social situations. This means that you’ll be in a better position to talk with folks without feeling like you’re having to divide your attention.

Similarly, how are you with talking to people and making friends? The skills involved with making new friends are fundamentally the same as the skills you use to find a parter; the only difference is the end point of the relationship.

This is important, because you’ve mentioned how lonely you’ve been. That, I think, is the issue you should try to resolve first. Coming to dating when you’re chronically lonely makes things much harder and more frustrating. It’s much harder to find what works for you when you’re feeling such a cavernous lack. You’re more likely to chase after potential matches who are simply not right for you because you feel like you need to focus on them or else die alone and unloved.

Having some good friends — your Team You, as it were — is important to your social success on a number of levels. To start with: you have people in your life who love and care for you, which is important for your emotional health and well-being. Having those friends helps your self-esteem, it gives you people who support you and cheer on your successes and who’ll help you recover from your failures.

They also help you meet new and awesome women. Having an abundance of people in your life — including female friends — helps make it easier to meet folks who are your kind of yum.

But what about the question of sex? Do you go for FWBs? A casual, no-strings relationship? A monogamous partner? My answer is: yes. All of the above. Or none of the above. See, the only person who could know what’s right for you is, well, you. As you give yourself time to grow and focus on those social skills — and that social circle — you’ll be getting to know yourself better. And when you’re on more stable footing, you can try different options. You can try a casual relationship for a bit and see if that brings you satisfaction. You can date around with an eye towards something a little more long-term and see if that’s right for you. Figuring out what you want is going to involve taking chances. You’re going to have to do some trial and error to see what does and doesn’t click for you.

You may find what you think you want isn’t what you need. You may find that the things you actually want are so night-and-day different than what you could possibly imagine now.

Yeah, it can feel scary. You’re going to have to take chances and risk being hurt; there is no reward without risk. But the rewards not only are worth the risk, but you’ll quickly discover that failure may suck… but it won’t destroy you. And that knowledge will help you build your confidence and give you the extra motivation to make your move when the time comes.

For now: don’t worry about sex. Masturbate, get to know your body and don’t get hung up on “being good enough”. Focus on meeting people in general, making friends and living an awesome life. Doing this will not only make you a more confident, more assured person, but it’ll help bring people into your life… almost without effort.

Don’t worry about trying to make up for lost time. Your past is merely prologue; the first act of your new life starts now. And it’s going to be a good one.

You’ve got this 3D.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com