DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you are not actually a real doctor (thankfully I have a therapist for that) but, maybe you can shed some light on my situation.

Long story short, I got diagnosed with PTSD from childhood and Depression and I am working on overcoming my avoidant tendencies.

One major problem that seems to pop up is that I truly do WANT to meet and connect with people but, what actually ends up happening is that I throw up an emotional wall as soon as that starts to happen. Whether that be with humor or just silence, the thought process always ends with the same message “Don’t get too close”/ “Keep it superficial”.

Now I would love to shatter this outdated defense mechanism into a million pieces (especially because it could explain why I am so emotionally detached from people) but unfortunately the human pysche doesn’t work that way.

So with that being said, my thought process to overcome this was:

1. Throw myself into a ton of social events (Virtual for now due to COVID-19)

2. ??????

3. Congrats you can feel again!

Seeing as you run a relationship advice column maybe you can shed some light on what my next move should be?

– Removing the Armor

DEAR REMOVING THE ARMOR: I understand the desire to throw yourself into things as a form of intense exposure therapy, RTA, but I don’t think it’s going to work quite the way you expect it to. The problem with just doing a whole bunch of social events is that unless you actually take deliberate steps to either take down your walls or start letting people in, you’re not going to actually get anywhere. In fact, virtual events might actually make things worse. It’s very easy to keep those walls up when the only connections you have are virtual. We’re not a species built for Zoom calls or Skype chats; we’re built for face-to-face, in person communication. When you’re at a remove from everyone, it’s very easy to see them as being less real or less significant than they actually are. That distance makes it so much easier to just put up the wall and hide behind it.

Unless you take actual steps to change things. And, importantly, they need to be the right steps.

I’ve seen lots of folks try to do the “get over this issue by flooding myself with it” thing. In fact, one of the most common examples I’ve seen has been the “do a thousand approaches to get over your approach anxiety” trick. But while seeing that being rejected or turned down won’t kill you can ease that anxiety a little… just doing a thousand approaches isn’t going to fix things unless you’re doing it deliberately and intelligently. Otherwise, you’re just trying to reach a benchmark with no real meaning. It’s kind of like the proverbial 10,000 hours to master a skill. Ignoring that the 10,000 hours number was basically made up out of whole cloth, it’s not just “do this for 10k hours and you’ll master it”, it’s putting in deliberate practice. Michael Jordan didn’t become who he was by just shooting random free throws. He drilled the basics until they were muscle memory, he practiced making shots from all over the court, he practiced and refined his technique until he could do it by pure instinct. It was a course of sustained, careful and strategic development that lead to him becoming one of the greatest basketball players of all time.

So by that same token, just going to thousands of social events isn’t going to break your armor. Instead, it’s going to take going to events with the intent of letting people in. The answer is to start finding ways to be more comfortable with taking down the wall, to addressing the fear of letting people get close to you. That’s why I don’t think going to a bunch of different events — a new one every time  — will help. You’ll have no real motivation to let the wall down and no reason to trust anyone. These will all be strangers to you, a different set of strangers every time. Instead, what I think would be more productive would be to go to specific events, regularly. If you go to the same, let’s say 3 events, every week, you’ll start to get to know the regulars. You’ll be seeing the same people over and over again, which will increase your familiarity with them. They won’t be intimidating strangers, so much as “ok, that’s Tim with the Mage campaign, that’s Nina who plays jazz piano, that’s Umberto who’s obsessed with Animal Crossing”. As any marketer will tell you: familiarity and repetitive exposure breeds comfort and ultimately affection. Just as hearing the same pop song over and over again eventually makes you go “ok… that’s not so bad”, seeing the same people over and over again helps you get to know them. That knowledge and familiarity helps breed trust, even affection. And as you get to know them and trust them enough to not hurt you… you can let down your guard. Not a lot, just a little. It’s the emotional vulnerability of “just the tip”, being just a little vulnerable with someone to see how it feels. Just to see how they react.

And when they don’t respond by taking advantage of that vulnerability or that chink in your armor? Well… with a little more time, you might be willing to open up a little bit further. And then a little bit further after that.

Now obviously, I think this is a plan that should be coordinated with your therapist; as you correctly observed, Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor. But the problem isn’t that you lack socialization, it’s that you were hurt in ways that make it hard for you to trust people. But if you give people the chance to earn your trust and prove that they’re trustworthy, I think you’ll start feeling secure enough to open up a little bit at a time. It may seem like a long, slow process at first… but those little changes, those little micro-revolutions add up over time.

Take it slow, keep those changes small… but give people the chance to show that they can be trusted. Do that, and I think in time, you’ll feel safe enough and confident enough to let your walls down and let people in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

DEAR GREEN EYED MONSTER: Y’know GEM, you’ve caught me at an interesting time. A lot of times, getting a letter like this would lead to my basically ripping you a new one about the hypocrisy of going out with your friends while telling her not to hang out with her, about the coercive and even unreasonable demands that she not spend time with her friends…

But I’m actually in a more mellow mood at the moment so instead of tearing into you, let’s talk about what’s actually underneath all of this and just why what you’re doing is inevitably going to backfire on you. We need to talk about exactly what’s going on and why you’re jealous of her friends. Because, let’s be clear: this is a you problem, not a her problem.

And it starts with a very simple question: what’s wrong with her spending time with her guy friends? Now obviously, you’re worried that she’s going to cheat on you with one of them. But why, exactly? What, exactly, do you think is happening now that wasn’t happening before? After all, she’s known them for years before she ever started dating you. Why should things change now? Is she telling you about how one of her friends has started horn-dogging around her or has been getting incredibly flirty? Is she gushing about how amazing Guy X, Guy Y or Guy Z are, in ways that she would have gushed over you in the early days?

I rather doubt it. If that were happening, I imagine you would’ve said so in your letter. So I think we can safely say that your anxiety around her and her friends is free-floating and irrational.

Instead, if you’re absolutely honest with yourself, I think we can both agree that there isn’t any actual, reasonable basis for your discomfort. After all,  nothing has actually changed other than the fact that she’s dating you. Everything else seems to be exactly the same. But your presence isn’t going to make one of her bros and BFFs suddenly decide that now is the time to try to undermine your relationship and try to snap her up… and even if one of them was trying to Nice Guy his way into her pants, that doesn’t mean she’s going to go for it. After all, it takes two to tango; one dude’s pining away for someone or even trying to be a relationship Machiavelli about it doesn’t mean that she’s going to fall for his bulls

t.

Unless, of course, you don’t actually trust your girlfriend.

However, if we’re being honest, then I think we both know that’s not the issue. The issue is less about trust and far more about your own self-esteem and the fact that you’re both in a long-distance relationship. It sounds to me like you’re dealing with some serious FOMO; after all, you’re in different cities,  you can’t see each other in person and that curtails a lot of what makes a long-distance relationship work. Lots of folks have that sense of FOMO, the fear that their friends are off doing cool and amazing things without them. Almost every time, the fear isn’t about missing out on whatever cool activity their friends are doing. The fear is almost always “what if my friends are having a great time without me? What if they’re bonding and becoming closer with each other and, since I’m not there, they’re going to become tighter and closer and then there won’t be room for me any more?”

That, I suspect, is the cause of your jealousy. You don’t feel secure enough in yourself or your own value, and so you worry that your relationship with your girlfriend isn’t nearly as solid as it could be. When you don’t have faith in your own value, it’s very easy to feel like someone else — someone with higher “value” or a relationship of longer standing — would turn her head. And if she’s spending more time with other people, people she’s close with, people she clearly loves and feels strongly about and you’re not there… well, doesn’t that mean that you’re getting squeezed out?

And that’s the real fear, frankly. It’s not that you’re afraid of her cheating on you so much as that you’re worried that she’s going to leave you. That you’re going to get squeezed out by people who are physically there with her. And if we proceed from that angle — that your fear is that she’ll be getting closer with her guy friends than with you — then there’s a perverse logic where trying to get her to spend less time with her friends makes sense.

Notice very carefully that I said “makes sense”, not “is a good idea”. Or, for that matter, “won’t fail miserably” or “won’t blow up in your face.”

Here’s a truth about dating: you can’t break-up proof your relationships. There is no magic formula that’s going to keep people from leaving you — whether it’s being hyper-vigilant in an attempt to keep them from cheating, trying to occupy all of their time so they can’t meet other people or even just keeping tabs on them at all times. In fact, almost all of that will all but guarantee that they’ll leave you. You might keep them from cheating — assuming they were ever even thinking of cheating in the first place — but you will destroy the trust, affection and respect that is critical for relationships to survive.

And let’s be real here, my dude: that’s exactly where you’re heading. The fact that you’re getting angry and giving her the silent treatment to punish her when she sees her friends is going to be exactly the reason why she’s going to leave you. There’s nothing more poisonous to a relationship than to have someone not only constantly tell you that you’re a liar, but to punish you for doing things as simple, basic an inoffensive as spending time with her friends. Friends, I might add, who have been in her life for far longer than you have. There comes a point very quickly where she’s not going to be willing to put up with this s

t. You’re going to put her in the position where she needs to make a choice between her boyfriend or her platonic friends, and she’s going to choose them. Not because she’s banging one of them or all of them, not because she’s secretly in love with one of them or because they sabotaged your relationship with her. It’s going to be because you demanded that she make that choice and her friends didn’t. And trust me: she’s going to go with the people who know her well enough to not demand that she choose.

If you care for her and you want this relationship to work? You’re going to need to work on yourself. The problem isn’t the jealousy, in and of itself. The jealousy you’re feeling is a symptom, not the cause. So, for that matter, is your lack of trust in your girlfriend; again, that’s a symptom. Your problem is that you don’t believe in your own worth or your own value or the fact that people could value you for yourself. Having things to occupy your time — not being able to spend time with your friends or go out and do things — isn’t the answer either. That’s just a way of distracting yourself or keeping yourself occupied. You need to get to the root of the issue and find your own value, the internal validation that helps you feel secure in why people would care for you and want to stay in a relationship with you. If you were more secure in your own worth, you wouldn’t feel like the way to preserve your relationship is to cling to your girlfriend the way that you do. You’re demonstrating classic needy behavior in a way that’s turned toxic and corrosive, and if it’s left unchecked, it’s going to destroy every relationship you have moving forward.

And honestly, this sounds to me like something that would best be discussed with a counselor or therapist. They can help you break the patterns in your life that lead to these feelings and help you find ways to get those needs met in ways that are actually productive and useful, rather than destroying the relationships you currently have.

But the first step to any of this? It’s going to be accepting that your girlfriend cares for you and just trust her. You have to trust that she is honest with you when she says that she cares for you. You have to be willing to believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing untoward in her relationship with her friends. And here’s the thing: trusting her will give you the proof that you can trust her. Her hanging with her friends and coming back to you is proof that yes, she loves her friends but she also cares for you. As you see that your fears and anxieties are unfounded, it’ll be that much easier to shut that part of your brain up that drips poison in your ear. Just as confidence is fear + survival, trust in this case will be built out of fear + reassurance. Understanding that your anxiety is lying to you makes it that much easier to ignore it and to take refuge in what you and your partner have built together.

But if you don’t get it under control, it’s all going to come crashing down around you. And that will be your fault.

You have a choice to make here, GEM. Here’s to hoping you make the right one.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you think it’s a good idea to rely on escorts for sex? At least till I get better to the point of getting laid all by myself. I am currently quite inexperienced, socially un-calibrated and haven’t even kissed a girl. (age 23). 

The general society seems to have a very negative attitude towards sex work. I don’t understand why. If sex is indeed such a primal need, why should its accessibility be judged? Isn’t it better if more people start getting laid? 

Let me know, Doc. 

Frantic and Frustrated

DEAR FRANTIC AND FRUSTRATED: For a fairly short letter, there’s a surprising amount to unpack here.

Let’s work our way backwards, shall we?

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that getting laid is a magical cure-all for the issues that many people have. Lots of people – well meaning, bright individuals – often assume that sex has magical curative properties that will heal whatever ails you, whether it’s low-self esteem, relationship problems, obsessive interest in non-mainstream activities, Internet addiction, anger issues, non-heteronormative attraction, non-vanilla fetishes and kinks, entitlement issues, or cancer.

(No, I’m really not kidding about that last one. You wouldn’t believe the emails I get from “Tantric Healers”.)

The problem is that, Marvin Gaye songs to the contrary, sex is sex. Having sex isn’t going to magically change you into something or someone you weren’t before; if you were a bundle of insecurities before you had sex, you’re going to still be a bundle of insecurities 30 minutes later. Now I do agree that more people having good sex would probably make the world a better place, but it’s more than just someone managed to achieve orgasm in the presence of another person.

But more on this in a second.

Now your question about sex workers is slightly more complicated. The disdain that some people have for sex-work is cultural, resulting on troublesome ideas about gender roles, conflicting ideas about sex and morality and an added bonus of popular stereotypes about the people who do sex work. Despite the cultural shifts towards increased sex positivity, we as a culture still tend to see sex – especially non-traditional, non heteronormative sex – as dirty and wrong. Men are often seen as bestial for wanting sex in excess to what is “proper” on the one hand even as we champion those who have lots of it on the other. Meanwhile, women who enjoy sex – especially kinky sex – are looked at with suspicion and disdain… often even when they’re in a traditional, monogamous relationship.

Thus, when it comes to sex work, we’re diving head first into a massive stew of our sexual issues. A man is supposed to have lots of sex because A Man Is Not A Virgin; therefore a man who has a hard time getting sex is less masculine. Paying for it is considered the ultimate shame – the person is SO unable to get laid that he is forced to purchase sex instead of getting it by dint of his desirability. The women who provide the sex in exchange for money, on the other hand, are seen alternately as scum or victims — occasionally both at the same time. Either they’re less than human, having fallen so low, or they’re the helpless victims with absolutely no agency of their own, caught in the cogs of an inexorable machine that grinds them down.

Please note very carefully that I said “women”. Male sex workers – while being far less common – aren’t subject to the same level of disdain that women are. James Deen stars in a movie with Lindsey Lohan and everybody is impressed with his professionalism and his acting ability. Sasha Grey stars in a movie by Stephen Soderbergh and everyone assumes that it’s stunt casting. Ron Jeremy had pop-culture cachet while April O’Neil is still “just” a porn star. We think of sex workers and the popular image is a downtrodden woman on the street-corner in fishnet stockings and pleather micro-mini’s, offering oral sex to strangers in order to get enough money for their next meth hit before meeting with her pimp. We DON’T think about escorts of either gender, who chose their careers and maintain their own independent business.

We as a society tend to automatically assume that someone who chooses sex work is someone who has no other choice – a woman who’s addiction to drugs or previous sexual abuse has lead her to this place, or who has been literally sold into sexual slavery. We don’t picture those women and men who may have chosen it of their own free will – some may like the money, some may enjoy the chance to express their sexuality and get paid for doing so and even those for whom it’s a job like any other… and one that often offers better hours and pay than, say, working at Starbucks or teaching.

(And that’s before we get into the subject about how we treat people who LEAVE sex-work; someone who did porn in their past gets shamed for having… stoped doing porn and gotten a mainstream job.)

TL;DR: the disdain for sex work has to do with how f

ked up we are as a culture over sex and gender. It says a lot about a country when we consider seeing a nipple more damaging than seeing someone get a hole the size of a chicken pot pie blown through that exact same breast.

Now, I’m pro sex-work in general, provided that it is safe, and consensual for everybody involved. I think that most of the laws regarding sex work and “sexual exploitation” victimize the sex workers needlessly and make it that much harder to actually combat trafficking — and I highly suggest that EVERYONE listen to the excellent episode on human trafficking from the You’re Wrong About podcast. I think if someone wants to visit a sex worker, whether that’s at a peep-show, a strip club, a massage parlor or an escort, that’s their business.

So with that in mind: I think relying on escorts – your words – is a bad idea for you.

I get that you’re anxious over your lack of experience, but going out and JUST getting laid isn’t going to help. Like I said earlier: you’re assuming that being inside another human being is going to magically solve these issues for you and it won’t. Frankly, what’s going to happen is that you’re going to find that you’ve got a crutch – a very expensive crutch – that will ultimately hinder your progress.

The fact that you’re a virgin at 23 is neither shameful nor terribly unusual. Some people get their start later than others and that’s ok. You’re no less of a man for being a virgin than someone else is for having lost their virginity at 17; in fact, a number of studies suggest that you actually have the advantage by starting at an age where you’re mature enough to handle the things better than most of us did in our teens.

Now, if it were just a case that you weren’t terribly hung up on what it MEANS to be a virgin at 23, if you just wanted to have the experience and get this whole “losing your virginity” thing out of the way… well, honestly, I’d say more power to you. Having your first time with someone who’s invested in your comfort and pleasure is hardly the worst experience in the world, and a damn sight better than a hook-up with someone you met at a bar who decided you’d do.

But that’s not what you’re looking for. The fact that you talk about “relying” on escorts is kind of a huge, blinking clue that this goes a little deeper than wanting to experience the physical act of sex and much more about how you feel about your ability to meet, date and sleep with women.

Visiting an escort will get the itch scratched, sure. But this isn’t going to be a substitute for going out and actually getting that experience you’re needing; in fact, you may well find that you’re using going to escorts as an excuse to NOT go out and meet women… and at anywhere from $300 a session on up, that’s going to be one damn expensive excuse.

This is one of those times where I think you’re better off working on yourself. While I don’t think visiting an escort is bad in and of itself, I think that it’s only going to make YOU feel worse about things. I strongly suspect that if you do, you’re going to feel like you “cheated” somehow or that you’ve done something so inexcusable that women would never love you if they knew.

(That’s not true… but nobody ever said thought processes like this were rational.)

The only way any of us learn is through experience, and that means going out there, talking to people, asking women out on dates, making mistakes and learning from them.

So save your money. Read through the column, read my books, watch the YouTube channel, learn what it takes to be someone women want to date. Make some mistakes. Risk getting your heart broken a couple times. You’ll be a better person for it in the long-run.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com