DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

DEAR GREEN EYED MONSTER: Y’know GEM, you’ve caught me at an interesting time. A lot of times, getting a letter like this would lead to my basically ripping you a new one about the hypocrisy of going out with your friends while telling her not to hang out with her, about the coercive and even unreasonable demands that she not spend time with her friends…

But I’m actually in a more mellow mood at the moment so instead of tearing into you, let’s talk about what’s actually underneath all of this and just why what you’re doing is inevitably going to backfire on you. We need to talk about exactly what’s going on and why you’re jealous of her friends. Because, let’s be clear: this is a you problem, not a her problem.

And it starts with a very simple question: what’s wrong with her spending time with her guy friends? Now obviously, you’re worried that she’s going to cheat on you with one of them. But why, exactly? What, exactly, do you think is happening now that wasn’t happening before? After all, she’s known them for years before she ever started dating you. Why should things change now? Is she telling you about how one of her friends has started horn-dogging around her or has been getting incredibly flirty? Is she gushing about how amazing Guy X, Guy Y or Guy Z are, in ways that she would have gushed over you in the early days?

I rather doubt it. If that were happening, I imagine you would’ve said so in your letter. So I think we can safely say that your anxiety around her and her friends is free-floating and irrational.

Instead, if you’re absolutely honest with yourself, I think we can both agree that there isn’t any actual, reasonable basis for your discomfort. After all,  nothing has actually changed other than the fact that she’s dating you. Everything else seems to be exactly the same. But your presence isn’t going to make one of her bros and BFFs suddenly decide that now is the time to try to undermine your relationship and try to snap her up… and even if one of them was trying to Nice Guy his way into her pants, that doesn’t mean she’s going to go for it. After all, it takes two to tango; one dude’s pining away for someone or even trying to be a relationship Machiavelli about it doesn’t mean that she’s going to fall for his bulls

t.

Unless, of course, you don’t actually trust your girlfriend.

However, if we’re being honest, then I think we both know that’s not the issue. The issue is less about trust and far more about your own self-esteem and the fact that you’re both in a long-distance relationship. It sounds to me like you’re dealing with some serious FOMO; after all, you’re in different cities,  you can’t see each other in person and that curtails a lot of what makes a long-distance relationship work. Lots of folks have that sense of FOMO, the fear that their friends are off doing cool and amazing things without them. Almost every time, the fear isn’t about missing out on whatever cool activity their friends are doing. The fear is almost always “what if my friends are having a great time without me? What if they’re bonding and becoming closer with each other and, since I’m not there, they’re going to become tighter and closer and then there won’t be room for me any more?”

That, I suspect, is the cause of your jealousy. You don’t feel secure enough in yourself or your own value, and so you worry that your relationship with your girlfriend isn’t nearly as solid as it could be. When you don’t have faith in your own value, it’s very easy to feel like someone else — someone with higher “value” or a relationship of longer standing — would turn her head. And if she’s spending more time with other people, people she’s close with, people she clearly loves and feels strongly about and you’re not there… well, doesn’t that mean that you’re getting squeezed out?

And that’s the real fear, frankly. It’s not that you’re afraid of her cheating on you so much as that you’re worried that she’s going to leave you. That you’re going to get squeezed out by people who are physically there with her. And if we proceed from that angle — that your fear is that she’ll be getting closer with her guy friends than with you — then there’s a perverse logic where trying to get her to spend less time with her friends makes sense.

Notice very carefully that I said “makes sense”, not “is a good idea”. Or, for that matter, “won’t fail miserably” or “won’t blow up in your face.”

Here’s a truth about dating: you can’t break-up proof your relationships. There is no magic formula that’s going to keep people from leaving you — whether it’s being hyper-vigilant in an attempt to keep them from cheating, trying to occupy all of their time so they can’t meet other people or even just keeping tabs on them at all times. In fact, almost all of that will all but guarantee that they’ll leave you. You might keep them from cheating — assuming they were ever even thinking of cheating in the first place — but you will destroy the trust, affection and respect that is critical for relationships to survive.

And let’s be real here, my dude: that’s exactly where you’re heading. The fact that you’re getting angry and giving her the silent treatment to punish her when she sees her friends is going to be exactly the reason why she’s going to leave you. There’s nothing more poisonous to a relationship than to have someone not only constantly tell you that you’re a liar, but to punish you for doing things as simple, basic an inoffensive as spending time with her friends. Friends, I might add, who have been in her life for far longer than you have. There comes a point very quickly where she’s not going to be willing to put up with this s

t. You’re going to put her in the position where she needs to make a choice between her boyfriend or her platonic friends, and she’s going to choose them. Not because she’s banging one of them or all of them, not because she’s secretly in love with one of them or because they sabotaged your relationship with her. It’s going to be because you demanded that she make that choice and her friends didn’t. And trust me: she’s going to go with the people who know her well enough to not demand that she choose.

If you care for her and you want this relationship to work? You’re going to need to work on yourself. The problem isn’t the jealousy, in and of itself. The jealousy you’re feeling is a symptom, not the cause. So, for that matter, is your lack of trust in your girlfriend; again, that’s a symptom. Your problem is that you don’t believe in your own worth or your own value or the fact that people could value you for yourself. Having things to occupy your time — not being able to spend time with your friends or go out and do things — isn’t the answer either. That’s just a way of distracting yourself or keeping yourself occupied. You need to get to the root of the issue and find your own value, the internal validation that helps you feel secure in why people would care for you and want to stay in a relationship with you. If you were more secure in your own worth, you wouldn’t feel like the way to preserve your relationship is to cling to your girlfriend the way that you do. You’re demonstrating classic needy behavior in a way that’s turned toxic and corrosive, and if it’s left unchecked, it’s going to destroy every relationship you have moving forward.

And honestly, this sounds to me like something that would best be discussed with a counselor or therapist. They can help you break the patterns in your life that lead to these feelings and help you find ways to get those needs met in ways that are actually productive and useful, rather than destroying the relationships you currently have.

But the first step to any of this? It’s going to be accepting that your girlfriend cares for you and just trust her. You have to trust that she is honest with you when she says that she cares for you. You have to be willing to believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing untoward in her relationship with her friends. And here’s the thing: trusting her will give you the proof that you can trust her. Her hanging with her friends and coming back to you is proof that yes, she loves her friends but she also cares for you. As you see that your fears and anxieties are unfounded, it’ll be that much easier to shut that part of your brain up that drips poison in your ear. Just as confidence is fear + survival, trust in this case will be built out of fear + reassurance. Understanding that your anxiety is lying to you makes it that much easier to ignore it and to take refuge in what you and your partner have built together.

But if you don’t get it under control, it’s all going to come crashing down around you. And that will be your fault.

You have a choice to make here, GEM. Here’s to hoping you make the right one.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you think it’s a good idea to rely on escorts for sex? At least till I get better to the point of getting laid all by myself. I am currently quite inexperienced, socially un-calibrated and haven’t even kissed a girl. (age 23). 

The general society seems to have a very negative attitude towards sex work. I don’t understand why. If sex is indeed such a primal need, why should its accessibility be judged? Isn’t it better if more people start getting laid? 

Let me know, Doc. 

Frantic and Frustrated

DEAR FRANTIC AND FRUSTRATED: For a fairly short letter, there’s a surprising amount to unpack here.

Let’s work our way backwards, shall we?

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that getting laid is a magical cure-all for the issues that many people have. Lots of people – well meaning, bright individuals – often assume that sex has magical curative properties that will heal whatever ails you, whether it’s low-self esteem, relationship problems, obsessive interest in non-mainstream activities, Internet addiction, anger issues, non-heteronormative attraction, non-vanilla fetishes and kinks, entitlement issues, or cancer.

(No, I’m really not kidding about that last one. You wouldn’t believe the emails I get from “Tantric Healers”.)

The problem is that, Marvin Gaye songs to the contrary, sex is sex. Having sex isn’t going to magically change you into something or someone you weren’t before; if you were a bundle of insecurities before you had sex, you’re going to still be a bundle of insecurities 30 minutes later. Now I do agree that more people having good sex would probably make the world a better place, but it’s more than just someone managed to achieve orgasm in the presence of another person.

But more on this in a second.

Now your question about sex workers is slightly more complicated. The disdain that some people have for sex-work is cultural, resulting on troublesome ideas about gender roles, conflicting ideas about sex and morality and an added bonus of popular stereotypes about the people who do sex work. Despite the cultural shifts towards increased sex positivity, we as a culture still tend to see sex – especially non-traditional, non heteronormative sex – as dirty and wrong. Men are often seen as bestial for wanting sex in excess to what is “proper” on the one hand even as we champion those who have lots of it on the other. Meanwhile, women who enjoy sex – especially kinky sex – are looked at with suspicion and disdain… often even when they’re in a traditional, monogamous relationship.

Thus, when it comes to sex work, we’re diving head first into a massive stew of our sexual issues. A man is supposed to have lots of sex because A Man Is Not A Virgin; therefore a man who has a hard time getting sex is less masculine. Paying for it is considered the ultimate shame – the person is SO unable to get laid that he is forced to purchase sex instead of getting it by dint of his desirability. The women who provide the sex in exchange for money, on the other hand, are seen alternately as scum or victims — occasionally both at the same time. Either they’re less than human, having fallen so low, or they’re the helpless victims with absolutely no agency of their own, caught in the cogs of an inexorable machine that grinds them down.

Please note very carefully that I said “women”. Male sex workers – while being far less common – aren’t subject to the same level of disdain that women are. James Deen stars in a movie with Lindsey Lohan and everybody is impressed with his professionalism and his acting ability. Sasha Grey stars in a movie by Stephen Soderbergh and everyone assumes that it’s stunt casting. Ron Jeremy had pop-culture cachet while April O’Neil is still “just” a porn star. We think of sex workers and the popular image is a downtrodden woman on the street-corner in fishnet stockings and pleather micro-mini’s, offering oral sex to strangers in order to get enough money for their next meth hit before meeting with her pimp. We DON’T think about escorts of either gender, who chose their careers and maintain their own independent business.

We as a society tend to automatically assume that someone who chooses sex work is someone who has no other choice – a woman who’s addiction to drugs or previous sexual abuse has lead her to this place, or who has been literally sold into sexual slavery. We don’t picture those women and men who may have chosen it of their own free will – some may like the money, some may enjoy the chance to express their sexuality and get paid for doing so and even those for whom it’s a job like any other… and one that often offers better hours and pay than, say, working at Starbucks or teaching.

(And that’s before we get into the subject about how we treat people who LEAVE sex-work; someone who did porn in their past gets shamed for having… stoped doing porn and gotten a mainstream job.)

TL;DR: the disdain for sex work has to do with how f

ked up we are as a culture over sex and gender. It says a lot about a country when we consider seeing a nipple more damaging than seeing someone get a hole the size of a chicken pot pie blown through that exact same breast.

Now, I’m pro sex-work in general, provided that it is safe, and consensual for everybody involved. I think that most of the laws regarding sex work and “sexual exploitation” victimize the sex workers needlessly and make it that much harder to actually combat trafficking — and I highly suggest that EVERYONE listen to the excellent episode on human trafficking from the You’re Wrong About podcast. I think if someone wants to visit a sex worker, whether that’s at a peep-show, a strip club, a massage parlor or an escort, that’s their business.

So with that in mind: I think relying on escorts – your words – is a bad idea for you.

I get that you’re anxious over your lack of experience, but going out and JUST getting laid isn’t going to help. Like I said earlier: you’re assuming that being inside another human being is going to magically solve these issues for you and it won’t. Frankly, what’s going to happen is that you’re going to find that you’ve got a crutch – a very expensive crutch – that will ultimately hinder your progress.

The fact that you’re a virgin at 23 is neither shameful nor terribly unusual. Some people get their start later than others and that’s ok. You’re no less of a man for being a virgin than someone else is for having lost their virginity at 17; in fact, a number of studies suggest that you actually have the advantage by starting at an age where you’re mature enough to handle the things better than most of us did in our teens.

Now, if it were just a case that you weren’t terribly hung up on what it MEANS to be a virgin at 23, if you just wanted to have the experience and get this whole “losing your virginity” thing out of the way… well, honestly, I’d say more power to you. Having your first time with someone who’s invested in your comfort and pleasure is hardly the worst experience in the world, and a damn sight better than a hook-up with someone you met at a bar who decided you’d do.

But that’s not what you’re looking for. The fact that you talk about “relying” on escorts is kind of a huge, blinking clue that this goes a little deeper than wanting to experience the physical act of sex and much more about how you feel about your ability to meet, date and sleep with women.

Visiting an escort will get the itch scratched, sure. But this isn’t going to be a substitute for going out and actually getting that experience you’re needing; in fact, you may well find that you’re using going to escorts as an excuse to NOT go out and meet women… and at anywhere from $300 a session on up, that’s going to be one damn expensive excuse.

This is one of those times where I think you’re better off working on yourself. While I don’t think visiting an escort is bad in and of itself, I think that it’s only going to make YOU feel worse about things. I strongly suspect that if you do, you’re going to feel like you “cheated” somehow or that you’ve done something so inexcusable that women would never love you if they knew.

(That’s not true… but nobody ever said thought processes like this were rational.)

The only way any of us learn is through experience, and that means going out there, talking to people, asking women out on dates, making mistakes and learning from them.

So save your money. Read through the column, read my books, watch the YouTube channel, learn what it takes to be someone women want to date. Make some mistakes. Risk getting your heart broken a couple times. You’ll be a better person for it in the long-run.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I have a problem in that I have quite a hairy chest. It’s not so much Huge Jackman Wolverine as it is Teen Wolf. Now I can joke about it all I want by saying I put a towel down on my chest before having sex as it saves her on getting carpet burn, but it’s getting to a stage where both my male and female friends are saying that something needs to be done about it, but if I get something done I’d then be a ‘metro-fag’. Apart from their horrible flawed logic is there any thing you can advise as to what a Sasquatch can do?

Or even how a guy can go about shaping his personal appearance to make sure that he doesn’t scare off the girl with a weird-ass neck beard?

Wolf Like Me

DEAR WOLF LIKE ME: Let’s start with the obvious: your friends are a

holes. There’s absolutely nothing useful, helpful or otherwise productive about telling somebody that they have an issue, AND insulting them for trying to figure out a solution.

Quit listening to ’em and learn the fine art of manscaping.

You have a few options that vary in terms of time, commitment, cost and pain tolerance. To start with, you could always take things on as a DIY project and just trim that sucker yourself. Norelco, Braun and Phillips all have lines of body-groomers for men that specifically designed for taming body hair above and below the belt. Find one that works for you, set the clip guard and start trimming your chest hair down to something more maintainable.

Incidentally, you don’t want to just trim it all to one uniform length; that can end up looking a little weird and leave you looking disproportionate.

Trimming your chest hair to one length and the hair on your abdomen to a shorter one will also make your chest look larger and your stomach look smaller and leaner. Plus, trimming down the hair will help show off your definition.

A combination of trimming and a depilatory cream like Nair (who make a line of products for men now) will help get things under control. Just be careful; if you have sensitive skin, Nair can cause rashes and if you try to use it somewhere sensitive, it’s gonna sting like a mother.

If you’re so fuzzy (like, Robin Williams’ yeti-pelt fuzzy) that you can’t actually see skin, you may want to consider waxing. Yes, it’s going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch… and yet women get full Brazilians on the regular; you can handle getting your chest waxed. This sort of hair removal will leave you completely smooth chested for somewhere between two to six weeks, depending on your usual hair-growth patterns. You’ll need to do some due diligence afterwards with tweezers, toner and astringent; waxing can lead to ingrown hairs and there’s nothing quite like trying to deal with chest acne before a date.

Your other options involve permanent removal. Electrolysis is one method, zapping each individual hair follicle with electricity, killing the follicle dead. You would need multiple sessions to permanently remove the hair growth, especially if your chest-thatch is as thick as you say it is. It’s also currently the only way to permanently remove light-colored hair.

Laser hair removal is another option, but under limited conditions; you need a great deal of contrast between the hair and skin, as well as hair that has a decent level of pigment. Hair with little to no pigment (light blonde or red hair) isn’t going to respond to laster removal. And if you have light hair and light skin, you’re definitely not a good candidate for laser hair removal. On the other hand, if you have dark, coarse hair, especially if you have pale skin, you’re pretty much an ideal candidate. Plus, c’mon. It’s about as freaking sci-fi as it gets! Betting bombarded with lasers! It seems like you should sign a disclaimer claiming that you won’t get upset with them if you don’t develop superpowers.

Both electrolysis and laser hair removal are going to require multiple sessions, depending on the area being depilitated and both of ’em are gonna hurt. Which is going to hurt worse will depend on who you ask. Both methods carry some risk of scarring and both are gonna cost.

If you do go the laser hair removal, I’d recommend consulting with a dermatologist rather than going straight to the place that just opened up in the local strip mall. You want a doctor who’s performed thousands of procedures, not somebody with a degree from ITT tech and two weeks of training. Because, once again: lasers. You don’t want to have an amateur shooting lasers at you.

Or — and I realize this is a little outside the box — you could learn to love your thicket of fur. While I realize the media is still on the “virtually hair-free” kick for male celebrities, there are plenty of women out there who love them some hirsute men. Let’s not forget: Burt Reynolds was almost fuzzier than the bear-skin rug he posed on, and he was considered the epitome of masculine sexiness for quite some time.

But regardless of what direction you choose to go in… consider ditching your friends. You need a better class of confederates, and preferably ones who don’t casually drop slurs about gay men when you’re giving even the slightest consideration to your appearance.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a young lady through a dating app. We have a lot in common and after a bit of talking and flirting we met up to have a responsible social distance date. It went well and we had a couple more and have hung out a couple of times.

I like her (obviously), but after spending time with her in person I find myself not romantically attracted to her, while she is seems interested in me that way. We haven't been physical, just good times enjoying each other's company.

My question is this: how do I let her down easy without killing our friendship?

Sincerely,

Trying Not to be Shawn Michaels

DEAR TRYING NOT TO BE SHAWN MICHAELS: Serious question, my dude: has she actually said or done anything to make you think that she's interested in being more than friends? Has she, for example, talked about the possibility of you two getting physical, or floated the idea of ways that maybe you could have a slightly less distanced get-together? Or is this more of a (completely understandable) free-floating anxiety, a fear of hurting someone who you are coming to like as a friend?

I'm a big fan of not borrowing trouble from the future, especially if there's no reason to believe that there will be trouble in the future. If the two of you are just having a good time hanging out and nobody has started making comments about being more than friends, then I think having a "So just so you know, I don't want to date you" sort of conversation is going to feel like it came out of left field.

Now, if she has given indications that she wants more than friendship... well, that's where things get tricky. There really isn't a way to say "I like you, just not the way you want me to" that doesn't sting. But at the same time, letting someone believe there's a chance for more when there isn't is unnecessarily cruel, even if it's in the name of trying to avoid causing pain with an awkward conversation.

If you're legitimately interested in hanging out as friends, I don't know if there's a need for a preemptive "let's just be friends" speech. But if she does decide to call the question, then the answer is to be gentle and be honest. You really like her, you enjoy hanging out with her, you're glad you two have met and become friends, but you simply don't feel the same way. I would also suggest that you let her know: you sincerely want to stay friends, but if that doesn't work for her, you understand. Giving someone permission (as it were) to take care of themselves can sound weird and presumptive, but telling her you want her to prioritize her own emotional well-being is a kindness. Sometimes people — guys, gals and non-binary pals — need to be reminded that it's ok to take a little time to feel your feels when you've been turned down, instead of trying to immediately shift to a platonic friendship without pausing to acknowledge that it kinda sucks.

That is, of course, assuming that the issue ever comes up. It's entirely possible that she's on the same page as you and thinks that you are hoping for something more. And while I'm a big fan of using your words... a lot of times, if nobody actually makes a move to take things romantic, things tend to settle into the friendship it was always meant to be. And who knows; maybe down the line, you two will talk about how you all met and laugh about the fact that you were both convinced that the other had a huge crush.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com