DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 46 years old. When I was 35, my husband and I had a terrible divorce with custody battle.  I won, but I had to give up my dreams of moving home to another state as a condition of custody. I put everything on hold to care for them, including a couple of relationships that ended because they weren’t conducive to family. One of which devastated me because I actually fell in love but he had no intention of committing to what I had to offer.

My eldest daughter moved out at 17, exiting with lots of drama as was her usual, and left me feeling battered. My youngest and I ended up breaking away and moving home right when she started high school. I may be home but I feel like I haven’t integrated back into my life. I don’t date, I barely socialize, my job is high stress, and when I get home I fall into my recliner and I am brain dead. As a result I have gained 40 lbs.

I need to get up and change everything, job, my health, socialize more, but I can’t seem to get my tail in gear. How can I find motivation when I have this crushing feeling that my life is over that I am too old and fat and tired?

I have this feeling that I am going to be alone forever if I sit here doing nothing day after day, but I can’t get out of this recliner except to do the exact same things that end up with me being fat, and tired, and lonely in this rut.

Can you help?

Still In A Cage

DEAR STILL IN A CAGE: I feel for you, SIAC. You got dealt a s

tty hand and you’ve been trying to deal with it as best you can. It’s admirable that you put your life on hold so that you could provide for your kids, but it’s also understandable that you want a life for yourself. And now that you’re in a position to start your life again… well, f

k, who’s got the time or the energy?

Here’s the thing: you’re looking at the big picture, and that’s actually a problem. You’re looking at this mountain in the distance and wondering just how in pluperfect hell you’re supposed to scale that thing. Hell, never mind climbing it, how’re you supposed to even get to it? Looking at all the things you’re wanting to achieve is going to be exhausting and intimidating and ultimately just leave you with a bad case of  “I don’t wanna”.

The way you get past that is simple: you stop looking at the big picture and focus on the smaller things instead. You don’t focus on climbing the mountain, you focus on just taking a step at a time, looking only at the next milestone. As you look at each milestone, you want to structure things so it’s easier for you to accomplish them without thinking about it or having to expend energy to accomplish them.

Take your job and energy levels, for example. All that stress builds cortisol in your system, which screws with your concentration, your mental acuity, even your weight. Small wonder you get home and can’t bring yourself to do anything. So, assuming that you can’t find a way to make work less stressful or shift to a less-demanding track or department at work, what you want to do is focus on de-stressing and easing the cortisol buildup. Part of the way you do this is through generating the chemicals that help reduce cortisol: in this case, oxytocin and dopamine. You generate dopamine in a number of ways: getting enough sleep, eating a healthier diet, exercise, and the satisfaction that comes from making plans and following through with them. And, again, if you take things in small, manageable bites, this is very doable.

Start with the small, easy to accomplish things. When you get home, drop off your stuff, change your shoes and then go for a walk around the block. Not even a power walk; just a leisurely stroll. Depending on where you live, this should take you around 10 minutes or so, maybe a smidge more. That’s it: just giving yourself 10 minutes to walk before you plop into the recliner. Do this every weekday as soon as you come home, so that it starts to become a habit. It’s a very small, very simple and low-investment change to make in your life, but it will make a difference. That little extra bit of exercise — just 10 minutes — will produce surprising dividends.  The act of building this into your daily routine will bring you emotional satisfaction. The walking will help engage your circulatory system, getting your blood moving and helping to strengthen your heart, which will help you feel better, physically and emotionally. The exercise itself will not only burn more calories — not many, but some — but cause you to produce more dopamine, which will help break down the cortisol.

Keep to this routine and you’ll start finding that you’ll have more energy and less brain fog than before. As you keep at it, you’ll find that you’re ready to take on a little more. Maybe you’ll decide to walk two blocks instead of just one; awesome, go for it. Just that little bit of improvement will increase the benefits you’ll reap.

Meditation is another practice that can help you not just de-stress, but relax and chase away the brain fog. As with walking, this doesn’t require a significant investment of your time. You don’t need an hour with music and incense and a mat; five minutes a day in a comfortable chair with an app like Headspace is all you need. As you incorporate it into your life, maybe you’ll find that you’re ready or able to give a little more time to it. If so, great! If not, that’s fine too; five minutes will make a significant difference.

There will be other ways to streamline your life in ways that will make it less taxing and leave you with just a little more energy than you have now. Preparing meals for the week in advance, for example, can free up your time and be one less thing to think about each day. Taking a little time on Sunday to make dinners for the week puts you in the position to just open the fridge, grab something and heat it up for dinner. This reduces the time, effort and  brain-power that you’ll need to expend after you get home from work, freeing up your physical and mental resources and giving you a little more time and energy to use — or not use — as you see fit. And as a bonus, the act of planning the week’s meals, preparing them and stashing them every Sunday provides a sense of achievement and satisfaction. You’ve checked that off your weekly to-do list, which gives you a feeling of control over your life… which in turn, helps increase dopamine and decrease cortisol and stress.

These changes are small but add up over time. Taking these little steps build on one another — increasing your energy and drive and decreasing your stress.Think of it as the compounding interest of mental and physical health; as you decrease the amount of stress in your life, the benefits you get from those changes multiply accordingly. The less stressed you are, the more energy you’ll have. The more energy you have, the more you’ll be able to do. The more you’re able to do, the less stressed you’ll be. You’ll be happier and healthier without having to turn your entire life upside down or making radical changes that you would end up abandoning after a few weeks. And as you progress, you’ll be ready to hit the next milestone. Maybe it will be walking for 2o minutes. Maybe it’ll be meditating for 15 minutes. You might decide to try new and different recipes to keep your meals balanced and healthy. Each milestone you cross builds on the ones that came before and increases the benefits accordingly.

Now, you may notice that this is all about your physical and emotional health, not dating. There’s a reason for that: right now, you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch. You feel helpless, defeated and out of control of your own life. Making these little changes serve to not only make you feel better but to remind you that you do have agency in your own life. These improvements will put you in a better place physically, mentally, and emotionally, which will make you feel better about yourself a person. You’ll find that your mood improves and discover how much more comfortable you are in your own skin. You’ll learn that you actually like yourself again.

That is what will make you feel like you’re ready to get social again. You’ll have more energy, so you’ll feel like getting together with friends. Hanging out with them will help knock the rust off the social skills you haven’t had an opportunity to use.  You’ll feel better about how you look and so you’ll have more confidence to talk to the sexy singles you’ll encounter.

Because here’s the thing: there’s no such thing as “too late”.  There is no window of opportunity, after which there’s no chance for you. People find love in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. Hell, right now, retirement communities and senior living facilities are dealing with unprecedented levels of sexual activity because hey, turns out old folks still date and bang.

And all it takes is being willing to commit to walking for 10 minutes a day. That’s it.

You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for SIC. You’ve fought harder, accomplished more and come further than you realize.

You’ve got this. I promise.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had a normal love life until my early 30’s. Once I hit about age 32 (when women, I think, start evaluating dates more as potential long-term partners), all I got was first dates. After this happened many times and being turned down for a second date by a woman who I was positive had a great time, I told her what was happening to me and asked what I was doing wrong. She told me I didn’t meet most women's financial standards for a man. She suggested I trade in my brand new sub-compact (which I bought debt-free) for a used ‘Vette and describe my job in a way that would make it seem higher in the hierarchy than it was. I wrote her off as a shallow, materialistic jerk. Several years later, though, when I was on vacation, there was mix-up with my car rental and I got a convertible sports car instead of my usual economy. Four women flirted with me because of the car.

I’m a social worker. My income has been a hair above or below median family income in my city for years and is likely to remain at that level. I work with people who’ve sustained spinal cord and brain injuries. I’m well-known in the disability community as a fierce, relentless warrior who’ll go to the wall to get my patients what they need. I’ve saved countless families from homelessness, guided people through unimaginable emotional trauma, gotten a brain-injured wife out from under the control of the husband who battered her into a coma and forced insurers to spend thousands they didn’t want to. Does all that not matter to the vast majority of women since I drive a Prius and live in a 700 square foot condo?

I can’t imagine doing another job solely to increase my income, but I don’t want to go through the rest of my life with no significant other. I swim laps and lift weights so I check the box of being in good shape. Since I've been a social worker for years, I must have good social skills. I have diverse interests so I almost never take a woman out for dinner and movie. A date with me is usually a play, concert, poetry reading, art exhibit opening, etc. and I always pay, so I check the box of not being a cheap, boring date. I’m good with money so I have literally no financial worries. My condo’s paid off and I travel all over the US on vacations. If I cut out the trips and sold the Prius, I could easily afford a loan to get a Porsche, but I love to travel, and the freedom of having no debts, although not as much as I love having a girlfriend.

Should I buy the Porsche and describe my job in misleading terms? That seems like a lousy way to start a relationship, but it’s a lot better than no relationship!

Brental in the Rental

DEAR BRENTAL IN THE RENTAL: Congratulations BitR: you've fallen victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "never take advice from someone who's promises to teach you 'better dating through hypnosis and mind control", but only slightly less well known is this: women don't give that much of a s

t about your car.

So I get that you're frustrated with your current dating life; you're having a dry spell for reasons that seem inexplicable to you. I understand why you would be casting about for answers. However, the problem here is that you're taking advice from someone who is taking her own reasons for not wanting to date you and making the sort of universal declarations about the Female Hive Mind that you usually only see from MRAs and MGTOWs. Whenever I hear people say that you have to have X car or Y income in order to date, I always want to see some actual numbers. Not just whatever Psychology Today article they're failing to understand, but some legitimate, peer-reviewed research, published in a reputable journal. And then I want them to explain to every male/female couple at any particular Wal-Mart on a Sunday afternoon that they don't actually exist. Even a cursory look around the country is all it takes to see that people who aren't driving Porsches and Corvettes are still somehow meeting, falling in love and getting married.

If your date had some strange Carrie-Bradshaw-esque "Could I really date someone who doesn't have a 'cool' job?" moment, then hey, more power to her. Everybody gets to set their standards wherever they choose… even if those standards seem incredibly shallow and arbitrary to the rest of us. But honestly that sounds far more like the kind of advice you could expect to get from dodgy subreddits, not something that's actually practical and worth pursuing.

Now I understand why this advice burrowed its way under your skin like a tick; it hews very closely to one of the common and pernicious beliefs about what women want from a man — advice that's usually given by other men who don't actually listen to what women say they're interested in. Men are far more likely to insist that women only want to date the guy with the high-power job, the sports car and the bigger paycheck; women, on the other hand, tend to insist that no, they really want to date someone who’s a responsible adult who can actually contribute to the household finances and handle the responsibilities that come with being an adult in a relationship.

But because belief that women fundamentally want not just a provider, but a socially-impressive provider has been reinforced over and over again by society and pop culture, it's very easy to believe it. You've heard it over and over again and that often means that there's a part of you that worries it might be true. So when someone comes along and spins the exact same yarn to you... well, yeah, it's gonna tweak that little anxiety.

But like I said: if only people who made above the median income were getting married, then at least 38.1 million people would be unable to ever find a partner. Believe me, if that were the case, we would be hearing about that all the time.

This isn't to say that having more money might not bring some women to the table who might not otherwise be interested. Money is a great way of attracting certain types of women. However, just having lots of money ends up attracting women who are interested in money, not you. And hey, some folks are cool with that. But it doesn't sound like what you're actually looking for.

I do, however, want to dig into your example of how a car made a difference to your social life. You say that four different women flirted with you because of the car. What, exactly, makes you sure that it was the car that made the difference? Did they only flirt with you after you said "hey, did you see my sports car over there?" Were they uninterested until they saw the valet pull your car around and then suddenly changed their minds? Did they see you drive up and start flirting after you hopped out? Was it literally the car that made the difference? Or could it be that driving a "cool" car made you act a little differently, a little less insecure and a little more cocky and self-assured? Especially after someone you went on one date with told you to get a Corvette?

Because I rather strongly suspect that if we drill down, we're going to find that the car was just of a magic feather — something that gave you permission to unlock behavior and an attitude that you haven't had access to in a while. It's kind of astounding the things that will affect how we behave; something as simple as telling somebody that a white coat is a doctor's coat instead of an artist's smock can cause people to perform better on cognitive tests. Believing that your rental gave you extra cool points can be all that it takes to have a little more swagger in your step and a willingness to act a little bolder. People are more likely to respond to that than seeing that you had a Jaguar logo or whatever on your keyring.

The problem isn't your job, it's not your car and it's not your condo or the fact that you're in great shape, financially speaking. It's that you listened to one person who thinks that Prius' just aren't "cool" enough.

There're any number of reasons why you might have hit a dry spell in your love life. It could be anything from changing demographics in your city, to the women you're pursuing and where you're meeting them, to changes in your presentation, attitude or even just having a rough couple of months where s

t just didn't work because sometimes you hit a bad patch for no reason. But what I can tell you is that there isn't a woman out there who says to herself "man, the last thing I want is a guy with compassion, who saves lives, travels extensively and is almost entirely debt free. Better to find a guy driving a car he can't afford and lying about his job."

Are there women out there who'll judge you by how "impressive" your job is or how "cool" your car is? Sure. But then ask yourself why, in pluperfect hell, would you want to date them in the first place?

There're some amazing women out there looking for a guy exactly like you. Focus more on meeting them and less on the women who clearly aren't right for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes a discussion of domestic violence and a brief description of physical abuse.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met someone just before COVID hit. They got serious a lot quicker when I did. They were also living with an ex-partner rent free. When their ex-partner found out they were talking to me, they got thrown out and I offered to let them stay with me. There were red flags early on. They said they loved me quickly and started talking marriage after a few weeks.

I attempted to break up with them, but they came back hours later and, foolishly, I agreed to talk to them. I took them back. Now friends have lost respect for me (some of the things my partner said about me after I broke up with them were… bad). I attempted last month to break up with them again, and they got angry. They put their hands around my throat until I couldn’t breathe and made me say that I belonged to them. They said that if we ever broke up, it would be them breaking up with me. I am truly scared now. But I feel I cannot go to the police. It’s not just the current climate; not that long ago, I was raped and reported it to the police. They victim blamed me and did nothing.

My partner does not work. They do not provide anything to the relationship except stress, which is multiplied because they have untreated OCD. This makes their life hell, and by proxy, mine as well. I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

If I were back home, I would know where to go and what services to access, but I moved to a new state for work at the beginning of the year. The only people I know are my work colleagues and a few people online who are involved in the same geekdom as me. I honestly don’t know what to do, and how to do it safely.

Trapped in Quarantine

DEAR TRAPPED IN QUARANTINE: This is a horrifying situation TiQ and your priority needs to be to get out as quickly, safely and cleanly as you possibly can. And to do that, you need a plan.

First and foremost: I strongly suggest you get in contact with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800)799-7233 or www.thehotline.org. They have trained domestic violence advocates available 24/7 who can listen to you, connect you with resources in your area and help you get clear of this person. There are a number of ways that you can get in touch with them, including online chats and text services if you worry about being overheard or can’t find a time when you’re alone and able to contact them. They can help you find a shelter or places you can go to get out, put you in contact with lawyers and legal services in order to file a protective order against them as well as tenant’s rights associations who can help you either get them off the lease (if they’re on it) or help get them evicted from your place.

I also suggest you keep a journal of their behavior. If they’re threatening or abusive, then write it all down — dates, times, behavior, what he said, what they did… everything. Document everything, keep photographs of bruises or injuries and keep it all in a safe place. Preferably one they don’t know about. Documenting their abuse and threats will make it easier to get a protective order and help you in the event that you decide to press charges.

Next: do you have any coworkers you can trust enough to help you get out?  Can you let them know what’s going on? Are there people at work who can, at the very least, hold on to a bug-out bag for you or who you can leave supplies with so that you can leave at a moment’s notice? You are going to want to make sure that you have your important documents (driver’s license, insurance papers, copies of your lease or rental agreement, medical history, passports, car insurance and registration, bank statements, credit cards and ATM cards), a prepaid phone, your jewelry, an emergency supply of cash, several days worth of clothes and medication and any important sentimental items or pictures. Having these in a place that your partner can’t get to them will help make it easier to make a clean getaway from them. If you have a laptop or computer and you can get it out of the house, I’d recommend doing this too. If you can’t, then I strongly suggest changing the settings so that the computer requires a password to log in or any time the screen saver comes up. Locking them out of your computer makes it harder for them to get to your information and either track you down or trash your life.

Getting out needs to be your first priority. If they’ve already been violent with you, then you have to work under the assumption that they will do so again. Your physical safety needs to take precedence. Once you’re in a safe place — even if it’s a hotel or motel, preferably one that’s registered under a friend’s name and paid for with either cash or someone else’s card — then it’s time to focus on protecting yourself in the future. Getting an order of protection — something that you can apply for at courthouses, women’s shelters and volunteer legal associations — will be an important step. Having that in place and giving copies to your employer, friends, neighbors, co-workers or other people who they might contact helps restrict their access to you and increases the odds of consequences if they violates it. You have a very understandable reason to not trust the police, but having that order on file and on hand makes it much easier to have them arrested and charged if they come after you. It’s not a magic spell that will prevent them from harming you, but increases the likelihood that if they attempt to intimidate you or threaten you, they will go to jail. And if they threaten you or you’re afraid they’re going to get violent before you’re able to get out, then CALL THE POLICE.

Again, these are all things that the domestic violence advocates at the NDVH can help you with. Talk to them as soon as you can, then make a plan, and then get out as quickly and safely as you can. Take care of yourself and your physical safety first, then get them out of your life and out of your apartment.

This is an awful situation and I’m so sorry that you’re caught up in it. Get clear as soon as you can, TiQ. And then write back and let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com