DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Over the last few years, I’ve reconnected with an old friend from university. We’ll have known each other for a decade this September. When I first met him and got to know him, I had very strong feelings for him but they went unrequited, so I got over it (eventually) and we became quite good friends.

When he moved to the same city as me three years ago, we started to reconnect. We stayed as friends and we’ve become closer than ever. We find each other physically attractive and can be very honest and open with each other about our feelings and relationships (even our sex lives).

Ever since the lockdown started, we’ve been leaning on each other for emotional support a lot more and we’ve even agreed to be each other’s back up spouses to appease the more “traditional” [read homophobic] members of our respective families as we’re both bisexual.

He has a boyfriend that he loves very much, but I think my old feelings for him are coming back with a vengeance. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been in lockdown for three and a half months alone or if it’s because I haven’t been in a relationship since my last one ended about 4 years ago. All I know is that my attraction to him seems to be getting more intense.

Should I tell him how I feel or just stay silent? I care for him very much and don’t want to do anything to implode his current relationship. I’d hate to be the cause of anything bad happening in his life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

So Much To Say

DEAR SO MUCH TO SAY: I get this question a LOT, SMTS, in a number of variations. Sometimes it’s a person with a crush on a co-worker, like last week. Sometimes it’s about a classmate, an ex, or — in a number of cases — about various celebrities, YouTube personalities and Twitch streamers. Almost every time, the person writing in doesn’t have a romantic or sexual relationship with the other person. Either they’ve had an attraction to them from afar (or, at least, the relationship is strictly customer/service-industry worker) or they have a platonic friendship that thus far hasn’t had any hint of potential romance.

And when I get these questions, one of the first questions I ask in return is “so… what are you hoping to get out of telling them?”

That’s an important question to ask yourself, SMTS, because the answer to that question is why “Should I tell them how I feel” is haunting you. The odds are good that you’re harboring the fantasy that your crush is holding similar feelings for you and that, if you say something, then they’ll be willing to admit they return your feelings. Now that it’s all out in the open, well hey, now you can start dating and walk off into the sunset together.

Except it very rarely works that way. Most of the time when I field this question, it’s pretty clear that these feelings are fairly one-sided. And often, when people really drill down into both their relationship with the person and what they’re hoping to get out of telling them, is that they know that the other person isn’t interested. Perversely enough that awareness is the reason why they feel so strongly about saying something; it’s their Hail Mary pass, their last ditch attempt at forcing things to happen. There’s that fantasy that ok maybe they don’t know that they actually have feelings for you but by hearing you say it, they’ll reconsider. Or maybe that the power, depth and intensity of those feelings will convince them to give you a chance because…

… well to be perfectly honest, I’ve never actually understood that one. The logic of it — “you have to give me a chance because I feel so strongly for you” — is kind of disturbing if you get right down to it, but we see it played as romantic in songs, movies and pop-culture. I mean, hell, one of the most “romantic” movies of its time involves a character who threatens to commit suicide unless a woman agrees to go out on a date with him. But hey, it’s ok because they were fated to be together and honestly he looks like Ryan Gosling so let’s forgive how incredibly horrific and manipulative this s

t is.

Sorry, kind of went off on a rant there.

Anyway.

In your case, SMTS, it’s pretty clear that you’ve been holding onto the hope that your friend might be interested in you for a while now. And hey, that happens. Sometimes crushes linger in the background and re-emerge at profoundly inconvenient times. But the fact of the matter is that this isn’t a relationship that has much of a chance. I mean, let’s game this out a little. Let’s say that you do tell him. Let’s even say that hey, he returns your feelings! So, now what? Well, there’s the awkward fact that he’s got a boyfriend, who he loves dearly. Unless they’re about to have a series of very uncomfortable conversations about polyamory — and starting a relationship with you as soon as he’s got the OK isn’t exactly the best practice — then that relationship is probably about to come to a screeching halt.

Then there’s the fact that, while he’s dealing with the fallout of his current relationship, the two of you are still under lockdown. And while theoretically you could immediately quarantine together, that’s a lot of stress to put on a relationship that only just started, and even more of a clusterf

k when he’s still trying to exit his current relationship in the process. So either you two start dating on expert difficulty right off the bat, or you transition to a de-facto long distance relationship right from the jump where…well, things don’t really change much.

Another possibility is that you tell him, he agrees that he has feelings for you… but he isn’t willing to do anything about them because either he doesn’t want to risk your friendship or his relationship with his boyfriend.

And then there’s the greater likelihood of your telling him and his saying “um… thank you?” and not knowing quite what to do with it because while he cares for you and values you, he doesn’t feel the same way for you.

Now if it seems like I’m coming down pretty firmly on “don’t say anything”, that’s because I am. Not just because I think the downsides outweigh the potential rewards, but because I’m a believer that just telling someone “hey, I have feelings for you” tends to put the onus of dealing with your feelings on them. I’m a much bigger proponent of taking a proactive approach, an approach where you say something along the lines of “hey I’d love to actually take you on a date and see if there’s any potential for the two of us. It’s cool if you’re not.” This doesn’t require them to manage your feelings or balance their response against it. It’s a much simpler proposition, one where their only responsibility is whether or not they want to go on a date. It’s generally understood that the attraction is there; people rarely ask someone they’re not attracted to out on a date, after all. And that date or dates gives them the chance to decide over a period of time whether they want to pursue something with you or if they simply don’t feel the same way.

But just as importantly: we’re in a crisis situation and we have been since March. Everyone’s been on edge, we’ve all been confined to our homes for three months and everything is louder than everything else, especially our feelings. You’ve been leaning on this guy for some serious emotional support and intimacy, you’ve got your previous unrequited feelings and I suspect that you — like all of us — are desperate for a human connection that isn’t just through Zoom and Skype. While I don’t doubt the sincerity of your feelings for your friend, I suspect that they’re artificially enhanced by circumstance. If we weren’t in lockdown, if you were able to go out and see other people and socialize… I suspect that what you feel for him would be warm, but far less intense.

So I think for now, you’re better off not saying anything. Once it’s safe to meet up with people in person again and you can socialize and get those needs for contact and connection met by others, we can revisit the question. But I suspect you’ll find that the intensity will fade once we’re no longer living under the threat of a global pandemic.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating a particular woman on and off (let’s call her H) during the last year. Meanwhile, I’ve gone on a few first dates with others. H is aware of this but doesn’t know the full extent of my romantic life.

H isn’t my girlfriend, and I don’t intend to get into an official relationship with her. For instance, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I think I’d rather spend it with a different woman. But, I don’t want to hurt H’s feelings, and I want to keep seeing her until I commit to someone.

Recently, H told me she loves me. I don’t love her. Honestly, I don’t want to hurt H, and I do want to to keep seeing her, as long as we’re casual.

I suppose we have to break up eventually, but that might not be for years. Or maybe, if I don’t find anyone else who’s marriage material, I might have to settle for H despite her flaws. I don’t like to call someone my “backup choice” but I guess that’s how it is.

I want to approach the situation with honesty and make everyone happy the long run. How do I best talk with H about this?

On The Back Burner

DEAR ON THE BACK BURNER: Well it’s not very often I get to intercede in the premise of a bad romantic comedy… especially one that looks like it’s about to turn into a tragedy.

The answer to your question is easy, OTBB: you don’t. You don’t try to keep this relationship going just to avoid being single, you don’t string her along, you don’t “settle” for someone you don’t actually seem to like that much. If you want to approach this situation with honesty and make everyone happy in the long run? Then you need to end things as quickly, cleanly and with as little unnecessary pain as possible.

Look, OTBB, I’m sure you don’t mean for it to be this way, but what you’re doing right now is needlessly cruel, and it’s going to be incredibly painful for H. It’s one thing to have a casual relationship, when everyone involved knows exactly what they’re doing, what they’re in for, and what they can expect. Casual relationships require everyone to be on the same page.

It’s another entirely to keep someone around just in case things don’t work out with another partner.

Just because the relationship is casual doesn’t mean you can be casual with the other person or their feelings. And quite frankly, that’s what you’re doing here; you’re treating her like an object. People aren’t starter homes, something that you get while you’re waiting for the house you REALLY want.

And that gets even more egregious when you know for a fact that this other person has feelings for you — feelings that you don’t return, that you know you won’t return —  and you’re keeping them around because you know they’ll be there until you’re ready to move on to bigger and better things.

Leaving aside the question of the ethics of the situation — which is a whole different ball o’ wax — part of what’s unfair to H is that you’re stealing time from her. Right now, she’s investing her time and energy in you, not knowing that you don’t feel the same way and plan to leave her when you find someone you do love and want to be with. That’s time wasted for her, time that she could spend finding someone who does return her feelings.

Instead, you’ve put her on a track where she will eventually find out that you — and there’s no softer way to put this — were using her. That’s gonna hurt. That’s going to hurt her a lot. She won’t get the time or feelings back that she’s expended on you. And to make matters worse, you’re ALSO stealing the time from her that it’s going to take for her to recover from this, get over you and heal the scars that you WILL inevitably leave her with if you do this.

If you want to conduct your relationships with integrity and have the best outcome for everyone, then the choice is very simple: you end things with H. You tell her that you enjoy spending time with her, that you have affection for her and you enjoy her company… but you and she want very different things from this relationship and you don’t feel like it’s working for you. It’s not the relationship that you need, it’s not the one that she needs and you respect her too much to want to waste her time when it’s clear that you two are going in different directions on this. And while you’ll always care for her and look on what you two’ve had with fondness, you feel that the time’s come to end things.

What you NEVER do is tell her about your plan to keep her as your back-up. There’s never any need for her to know this, and telling her — even in the name of “honesty” — just causes unnecessary pain. Honesty without tact or consideration is just cruelty.

And you also don’t accept things if she says that she’s ok with an imbalanced relationship. Her saying she’s ok with being hurt by you like this doesn’t make it better; it just makes the terms of your relationship even worse. “Yes, I know it’s tearing her heart out, but she says she’s cool with it” is a dick move.

Do H and yourself a favor. End this now. She needs to be free to find someone who is going to want her back the way she wants him and you need to not treat people as your “in case of dating emergency, break glass” relationships.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been happily single for a while, and I’m not looking for a relationship, but I do miss sex. I figured that with all the online options for dating, it shouldn’t be too hard to find people who are upfront about their desire to keep things casual – and I was right! There are attractive people on Tinder and OKCupid who explicitly say they want casual fun or hookups or whatever. So far so good – I want someone who’s on the same page.

Here’s the snag, though – I’ve never had casual sex, flings, one-night-stands, anything. All the sex I’ve had has been in long-term relationships, and I’m a huge dork and couldn’t flirt my way out of a paper bag. So when I see a Tinder profile that says “Just looking for something casual,” I freeze up. I realize I wouldn’t know what to say to this person (especially if that’s literally the only thing in their profile).

Dating for relationships is hard, but at least I feel like I kind of know how it works – you try to get to know someone, find your common interests, slowly grow more comfortable. It doesn’t help that everyone I’ve dated has been introverted and shy like me, so in every past relationship it was months before we had sex. Casual sex doesn’t seem like a long game, though – aside from what happens in movies, I literally can’t imagine what words are involved when you meet someone and end up having sex with them on the same or the next date.

How does this work? What are the norms and expectations of the casual dating scene? What are the common-sense things a newbie might not know? I feel like I need a tutor or a class or something.

Got No Strings

DEAR GOT NO STRINGS: You have legitimate reasons to be confused, GNS, because — as we’ve seen frequently on here — “casual” means different things to different people.

Now, as a general rule, a casual relationship means one with no expectation of commitment. Most folks will agree on that. However, it’s the details where people often get tripped up.

For some folks, “casual” means that not only is there no expectation of commitment, but there’s also no expectation of much of a relationship outside of sex; minimal dates, minimal contact, mostly getting together to bang and go. For others, a casual relationship is functionally a friends-with-benefits arrangement. For some it means that you’re dating, but with the understanding that this isn’t leading to marriage or children or living together, while for others it means that you’re not exclusive. For some, it’s a relationship without labels (no calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, etc), while for still others it’s what you have before you decide you’re settling down.

Needless to say, it’s very easy for two people’s idea of “casual” to bump up against one another in unpleasant ways and leave people hurt, confused and upset. If your idea of casual was that you simply weren’t heading towards marriage but you did expect monogamy and your partner’s idea was “we bang, that’s it”, you two are gonna have a bad time.

This is why it’s important, even in a casual relationship, to define your terms and have a version of the Defining The Relationship talk, where you discuss just what this means, what you expect and what you are open to.

Of course, there’re plenty of occasions where this doesn’t come up. If someone’s just looking for a hit-it-and-quit it hook up or a one-night stand, then there’s a lot less to discuss; you’re likely not seeing this other person again, so there’s no real need. But if it’s someone you enjoy spending time with or sleeping with and you’d both like to do it again and on the regular, then yeah, it’s important to at least lay some groundwork with a “just so we’re both on the same page” convo.

But the thing to realize is that casual sex and casual relationships aren’t the same thing as hooking up on the first date. When you both decide to have sex isn’t a function of the type of relationship, it’s a function of desire, trust and acceptance of risk on both sides. Couples who were explicitly looking for long-term commitment are just as likely to stay together regardless of whether they decided to bang on the first date as the third or the tenth. People looking for something casual may decide to wait a couple of dates before having sex. Hell, people can know each other for years or decades before deciding they want to have a NSA hook-up or two.

So in your case, when you find one of those sexy singles in your area who’re looking for a casual fling… find out what casual means to them. The way that I prefer is to set up a pre-date date quickly — “Hey, I really find conversations on dating apps to be shallow; would you like to meet up for a quick coffee? Here’re the times I’m free, you pick the day and the location” — and over the course of that date, bring up what you’re looking for and what you’re open to. Something along the lines of: “So I’m recently single and I’m not in the market for a committed relationship; I’m mostly looking for people to do fun things with. What about you?” This has the benefit of helping establish whether you have in-person chemistry or not, whether you want the same things and if you two are interested enough to try a proper date and/or hooking up. If your expectations line up and you’re into each other, then blessings on you both. If not, you’re just out the price of a cup of coffee and 15 to 30 minutes of your time, instead of days of weeks leading up to conflict and hurt feelings.

Just remember though: a casual relationship isn’t a license to treat your partner casually. There are people out there who think that a casual relationship means not having to give a s

t about the person they’re seeing. These are people who should be chucked out of your dating pool with great force and furious abandon. If someone is treating you badly or not paying attention to your feelings or comfort, that is not someone you want to date, even if this relationship isn’t going anywhere. Anyone worth sleeping with is someone who — at the bare minimum — is going to treat you with respect and compassion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com