DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been following your page for a while now, at least sporadically and would at first like to thank you for the work you are doing to help others.

Unfortunately, I have utterly failed thus far at managing to fulfill any of your advice and after some introspection I believe the reason for that is that I am utterly terrified to look at my dating (nonexistent) dating life.

I am a 26 year old university student and a virgin. Never had sex, never been on a date, never kissed someone, never flirted with anyone. A lot of the time, even thinking about this can be paralyzing. Like, I have wasted an entire DECADE of my live and the decade other people use to explore themselves and their sexuality, that is supposed to function as the basis for following healthy relationships no less. It’s to the point where even thinking about it feels like staring into an abyss.

What is worse is the fact that it feels a lot like I am on a deadline. I will graduate med school in two years and then enter into an incredibly stressful and time intensive career. If I have already failed to solve my problems in university, with plenty of time and ease of social interactions, how can I possibly hope to have any success when trying to find relationships as a resident doctor with a 60 hour work week?

In addition, it often feels like my not really working on the problem is a way to give myself a cop-out. Like “yes you never had a relationship but you never REALLY tried”. Paradoxically, this KEEPS me from trying. Because the idea of a woman even being attracted to me is basically inconceivable to me. And if I DO try to work on myself and follow all the tips and nothing changes, I would have to admit that I really have lost too much time and just f

ked up my life.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Love,

Tried Nothing and All Out of Ideas

DEAR TRIED NOTHING AND ALL OUT OF IDEAS: This is a topic that comes up a lot, TNAOI: late bloomers who feel that they’ve missed some nebulous window of opportunity to cram in all of the education, experiences, adventures and other miscellania that they’re supposed to achieve in order to be awarded their Functioning Adult Certificate. And what’s kind of fascinating is how wide the range of ages can be; I’ve heard from teenagers as often as I’ve heard from literal 40-year old virgins, all of whom think that they missed their shot and now they’re afraid that there’s nothing left to be done.

What’s equally as fascinating is how many of them feel the way you do; they’ve done nothing to fix the problem and they’re fresh out of ideas. Worse, they’re actively afraid of trying to do better.

On its face, you’d think this was absurd. How could you possibly be afraid of… checking my notes here… making your life better? Oh no, I might have a robust social life full of friends and people who care about me! Can you imagine the terror of having a loving relationship and a satisfying life with a worthwhile career, engaging hobbies and physical fitness? The horror, the horror…

But in reality, that fear is very common and very understandable. One of the things that folks often don’t realize is that while the fear of rejection can be bad, the fear of success can almost be worse. Rejection, after all, means a return to the current status-quo. Yes, it’s painful… but it’s a familiar pain and one that just serves to reinforce the worldview you already have. The possibility of success, however, can often be almost pants-s

ttingly terrifying. Right now, the relationships you dream about are just that: dreams. They’re fantasies that you can control to the most minute detail. You know exactly how every second will go because it’s all in your head and you’re controlling the actions of everybody involved. That date, that kiss, that first time having sex can all be exactly as perfect as you want it to be. If you get rejected — or if you do nothing, for that matter — then nothing changes. Those fantasies stay fantasies and remain entirely under your control.

But if you were to try to realize those fantasies… well, now things are different. If you were to ask somebody out on a date and they said yes, now you have to actually go on that date. You’re in a place where you have no control, where mistakes are real and have consequences. And while rejection may sting and doing nothing may leave you feeling despair, at least you can cling to those fantasies. Dating someone in real world means facing the possibility of having hope and having it snatched away.

Worse: it means facing the possibility of being right: that you are a hopeless case and you’ve wasted all that time and there’s nothing left for you to do.

Thing is: all of that? It’s bulls

t. It’s just your jerkbrain dripping poison in your ear, telling you that you’re worthless and that there’s no hope for you. It’s your own mind playing tricks on you, repeating your worst fears to you in your own voice, so they feel so much more real.

Because here’s a truth: there is no window. There is no time limit. There’s no point in time when you were “supposed” to accomplish everything. The idea that there’s some Universal Standard Narrative that every guy, gal and non-binary pal is supposed to follow is beyond ridiculous, an artificial construct so flimsy that it falls apart if you so much as stare at it too hard. Everybody’s life is different, shaped by forces and circumstances that are entirely outside of anybody’s control, and as unique as a fingerprint. The young man from Kentucky who joins the military at age 18 is going to live an entirely different life than the young man in Surrey who had to drop out of high-school in order to help support his family. The child of privilege from Los Angeles is going to have an entirely different life than someone living in the favelas of Rio De Janeiro or in Harlem or Rotterdam. None of them are going to have the same experiences, the same social development or the same milestones. Trying to measure your life by somebody else’s is the definition of madness; you’ll make yourself miserable trying to contort yourself to fit into the silhouette of someone else’s existence.

Part of your issue is that you’re looking at all of this as “a problem to be solved” instead of “a life to be lived”. You don’t have a problem, you just have things you haven’t done. Some of them may have been left undone due to circumstance, some due to fear and some due to choice… but they’re just things you haven’t done yet. None of this is a puzzle or a dilemma so much as a call for action.

Take the idea that you had to have “solved this problem” by the time you leave university. Do you seriously believe that, as soon as you have your diploma in hand, you will be rendered incapable of learning? Do you honestly think that the moment you’ve left university that your brain has shut down and you’ll no longer be able to process new experiences, learn new skills, develop new habits? No, of course you don’t; the existence of literally every human on earth disproves that. So it’s not that you’re incapable of growing or changing.

But what about trying to do this when you’re doing your residency? Won’t that make things impossible? Hardly. Residents and interns make friends. Residents and interns date. They have relationships, they have sex, they have social lives. It can be difficult — free time comes at a premium under the best of circumstances in the early days of being a medical professional, and you’re about to graduate as a doctor during one of the worst pandemics in modern history. But difficult isn’t the same as “impossible”. Nailing Jell-o to a tree is impossible; everything else is merely hard.

What about if you do everything and nothing changes? This is a false premise; the fact that you have done anything means that things will have changed. The only way things won’t change is to continue proceeding exactly as you are. What you’re afraid of is trying new things and failing. Except not only is failure not the end, failure is one of the most important ways of learning. Making mistakes doesn’t mean that you’re a failure, it just means that you did something the wrong way. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of success, it shows you what you need to learn in order to succeed.

Part of what’s holding you back isn’t the fear of failure so much as the fear of not succeeding on the first go. But, much like trying to contort your life to fit into somebody else’s narrative, this is an exercise in foolishness. Nobody is a success, right from the start. Even people with all the natural talent in the world had to practice and put in the work. Michael Jordan wasn’t born knowing how to play basketball; he ground out the experience points through constant work. Bill Gates wasn’t born a computer genius; he had to learn and study. Some people may have advantages, some may have disadvantages, but nobody gets to be successful without putting in the effort. The only reason why it seems like some folks are socially successful without even trying is because you didn’t see them when they were learning. You weren’t there to see all the mistakes, all the tears, all the frustration. Yeah, you’re gonna suck at it at first. But as a wise man once said: sucking at something is the first step to being good at something.

You’re worried about actually trying and then finding out that you had wasted your time. Here’s my challenge to you: what if you’re wrong? What if you are utterly, totally and completely wrong about having “wasted” your life? What if all those fears you have about being truly helpless, f

ked by the fickle finger of fate were just nothing but your own phobias? What would happen if you let go of all of those fears and discovered that you were capable of so much more than you ever gave yourself credit for?

Which would be worse: taking a chance to discover your true potential or losing even more time to fear and regret.

Because here’s the thing: you already know you can do this. If you’re able to make it to put in all the hours of study to get through pre-med and med school, pass the licensing boards and become a doctor, then you have what it takes to improve your life. You’ve got the will, the drive and the determination to learn the skills it takes to date,

Maybe other folks started earlier than you… but that’s their story, not yours. You can only live your story, and that story starts now. All that it takes is that you have to dare to be all that you can be. For all your introspection, you need to look deeper and find that place in you where your dreams survive; when you do, you’ll understand that it’s calling you on to victory.

The only thing holding you back is the belief that you are destined to fail. And the only thing you can say to that is “but what if I’m wrong?”

Your fears have been holding you back for far too long. It’s time to unburden yourself of all the things that hold you down — the fears, the doubts, the worries. It’s time to let go of your earthly tethers and fly.

You are capable of more than you believe. You have more potential than you give yourself credit for.

You can win if you dare.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a straight guy in my mid-30, Grad Student, haven’t dated much (for various reasons), but I have spent the last year getting back into dating while doing a lot of reading and studying how to be a good prospect. I’d been working hard to pass the Grimes test before I met anyone, so I can be a good partner.

Anyway, around Christmas, I have an amazing date w/ a polite and fun woman (also mid-30s), and we proceed to see each other a lot over the next few months (2x a week, every week this semester), eventually starting a relationship. She’s was always a great date, initiated texts and other dates, and is always polite, open, and fun.

However, there are some issues. She is from India, and has different views on relationship standards than I’m used to as an America. I’m always trying to be a gentleman, and she was clearly willing to work with me on most things (Still, she did proceed to kink shame me once, even blowing up at me over a minor mention of the subject of sex once, which was a red flag; for the record, she is waaaay more experienced than I am, but far less comfortable discussing it like a mature adult). Regardless, she is big into PDA and I was having so much fun with her, so adjusting my expectations to her comfort level wasn’t really an issue to me (no cookies for doing what is ethical regardless, right?).

Also, she is a post-doc researcher whose visa status is limited now that she is done with school; she stated that she is open to something serious, but might have to leave town to take up job somewhere. She’s been in a lot of long-distance relationships, so seeing me seriously even if she had to move isn’t outside of her purview. Still, despite asking for the details more than once, she never actually told me the fine points of her visa situation (e.g., how many months she had left on it).

We both agreed that we were exclusive and had hit the stage where we wanted to meet each other’s friends, but then COVID happened. We isolate apart from each other, me now doing online classes, and her stuck outta work. We spend the first couple of weeks in frequent contact, and, even with the world rapidly changing, when I voice concerns about it affecting our new relationship, she was very laid-back and assuring in that it won’t affect us at all. Our online time seemed just the same as IRL, just sans physical touch: fun, natural, and hours-long.

Then week 3 happens, and (unlike any time since I met her) she is suddenly distant, quiet, begins ignoring my texts, and cuts all our talks very short, despite “having nothing but time. Time is meaningless now”. She even breaks a hangout date, and won’t really give me any time or insight into her day(s). This is unlike her, but when I ask her about “us” she just reiterates that we’re fine. I want to believe her and I don’t want to be needy, but I had my suspicions.

First, a week prior, she asked me to do a rather uncomfortable favor for her, and while I was happy to do it because I care about her, the way she approached me about it made me feel manipulated and used afterwards. Second, she started having nightly online hang-time with her most recent ex (now a close friend in another state, who has a drug problem). She had always been open about him before, so I initially didn’t think much of it until now.

Anyway, I didn’t want to overreact, so I take my concerns to two different close friends (both women, married, who think I’m a catch). They independently tell me she is pushing me out for some reason, and that I should end it. I see her in person one more time with plans to end it, but we have a good time and she engages with me again, so I get cold feet. We plan to hang out the next day but she breaks it for a legit reason (it was better for my schedule that day anyway, so no harm).

The next day (Easter, as it happens), I call with the intention to postpone again, and she seems elated to postpone, but tries to hammer down plans for another favor on Tuesday (blood donation, which is super important right now). I voice that I was hoping to talk to her again sooner than that, but she is evasive, settling on 7pm. I hang up vocally annoyed (and probably curt, I’m embarrassed to admit). She doesn’t call me until 7:30 (very rare for her to be late), is cold as ice and is not engaged at all in our conversation at all, being uncharacteristically rude to me and cutting the call short. She also uses her word choice to let me know just how much more intelligent she is than I am (a cruel first).

Confused and hurt, I call her back a few minutes later and she flat out refuses to talk, texting “Sorry but no, I’m good for now”. I’m shocked, and I personally cannot brook being spoken to in such a way from someone who supposedly cares about me, so I call again to establish some appropriate boundaries. I get that this is probably a mistake, and I should have likely waited until the next day or so to press the issue, but it happens.

She finally picks up and basically said my calls are too much, she’s done, and why am I so concerned overthinking about our, “minor little relationship in its infancy?”. I admit that I am insulted by her tone and I was planning on breaking up already, to which she responds “That’s perfect! Let’s do that.” and then immediately proceeds to attempt to rearrange our blood donation times so we don’t have to see each other on Tuesday. This bizarre response confuses me and we get into a short argument over it until I hung up on her in frustration.

We haven’t talked since.

So here’s the thing, Doc. I need you give me straight talk on this, cuz I’m outta my depth here:

-Things were going great between us and then COVID-19 came and t-boned everyone’s lives at high speed.

-I tried to be an attentive and kick-ass boyfriend despite the Chicago lockdown. Should I chalk this up to coronavirus stress/lifestyle changes killing our flow and then be done with introspection over the short relationship?

– Was I wrong to care so much about a young relationship in the middle of a global crisis?

-I was trying not to be needy but was to trying to express my needs. I didn’t change; she changed, and dramatically. I tried to respond to the change as an adult, and without being a doormat. Am I being a colorblind arsehole right now, or did I get insight into her actual character?

– My ex was, up into that point, the most polite and enjoyable date I’d had since I began dating again. Ending it on such a disrespectful note sucks. I have no interest in her anymore, but this is the age is COVID-19, and I think social rules are a bit flexible right now. Do I have any responsibility to try to at least end things amicably with some type of olive branch (after an appropriate time gap)?

Best,

Incompatibility or Corona?

DEAR INCOMPATIBILITY OR CORONA: There’s a flaw in your thinking that’s inherent in your sign-off: IoC. It doesn’t have to be incompatibility OR the pandemic. It could very easily be both. One of the things that trips people up — even folks in long-term relationships — is that it’s very easy to maintain a relationship when things are good. We tend to think of times of crisis or struggle as a point where only one person is directly affected. You (generic you) get sick or lose your job or deal with a family crisis and your partner steps up and takes care of you or vice versa. But while those times are stressful… they’re not the same stress test as when you’re both in the s

t. Maybe to different levels, but you’re both in a place where you’re being f

ked by the fickle finger of fate, and that is going to be the point where you discover what your relationship is really made of. Not at a time when one or the other can be the nurse or the comfortadore or the rock but when both of you are out to sea and it’s sink or swim time motherf

ker.

The times when you’re both emotionally exhausted, when you’re living under constant stress and something as simple as being too close to your friends could be a potential death sentence… that is when you’re going to see whether or not this relationship has what it takes to survive.

Now part of the problem is that yes, this hit when you were barely in a relationship. At three months, you’re barely at the point where you’re willing to fart in front of each other. Suddenly being in the middle of a global catastrophe is going to put the strain on any relationship — and we’re seeing a boom in divorces and couples splitting up as a result of the quarantine stress. But it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend was really taking your relationship seriously.

I mean, even under the best of circumstances, relationships require maintenance and care. But these aren’t the best circumstances. These are circumstances where you’re all under the worst stress possible, the kind that ultimately doesn’t goddamn end  for months at a time. That’s hard. It means that everyone’s emotions are going to be a lot bigger and a lot noisier because we’re all dealing with incredible pressure. Even when you’re not consciously thinking about it, the immensity of it all is weighing down on you. This is a situation where maintaining your emotional health and the health of your relationship requires extra thought and care and effort. This is a high-pressure situation that everyone’s feeling and nobody can escape from.

And you know how things respond to pressure? Some things turn into diamonds. Others break.

Your relationship broke, and it seems like the flaws were there from the start. Little things like her blowing up at you for mentioning sex, kink-shaming you, even just being weirdly (and unnecessarily) cagey about how long she had on her visa were all little things that you might have been able to work through or deal with under different circumstances. But these weren’t normal circumstances and apparently once push came to shove, she didn’t see your relationship as being real, serious or  something that needed to be cared for. And honestly, that’s the only thing you need to know. Everything else after that is secondary or tertiary at best.

Was she getting up to shady s

t with her ex? Maybe, but it doesn’t matter.  Were you calling too much or asking for too much? Hard to tell, especially seeing as her definition of “too much” seems pretty low. Was she always looking down on you for not being as smart as her? Maybe, but it doesn’t really matter. She was ok with treating you, your feelings and your relationship like you were a secondary priority or disposable… well, honestly, that really tells you everything you needed to know.

So no, I don’t think you need to do much introspection here. Nor, for that matter, do I think there’s a real need to try to relitigate the ending or end it on a different note. At best, you’re going to have a short, cold conversation. At worst, you’re going to end up hearing things you don’t want to hear. So I think the best thing you can do is thank your personal gods that this ended sooner rather than later, chalk it up to a learning experience and wash your hands of the matter.

It sucks… but it’s over and you’re free to move on to someone who doesn’t think that it’s ok to treat someone she’s supposedly serious about in such a casual and cruel manner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About a month ago I found a cool female Twitch streamer. I really liked her content, I ended up in her Discord, we talked a lot, played a few games together, yada yada yada.

Everything was going fine but then about a week later I found out (not from her) that she had a boyfriend. Intellectually I knew that that shouldn’t bother me because it’s not like either of us had ever talked about the possibility of a romantic relationship, but emotionally I knew I was swimming dangerously close to oneitis.

I decided to go nuclear: unfollowed on Twitter, stopped going to her streams, left the Discord, etc. I was doing okay, but then two weeks later she messaged me on Discord to say hey, I miss you, hope you’re doing okay. Against my better judgment, I replied that I was doing okay and I was just dealing with some personal things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about yet. That wasn’t really a lie but it wasn’t the entire truth either.

My question is: do you think that was the right response? Intellectually I know that telling the truth wasn’t going to lead to anything good, but I also feel bad about lying.

– Twitch is Confusing Sometimes

DEAR TWITCH IS CONFUSING SOMETIMES: I see it’s time to talk about parasocial relationships again.

I get a lot of letters from people, looking for advice on how to hook up with various “celebrities” — which ranges from honest-to-god celebrities to famous YouTubers and podcasters, cosplayers, cam girls and, yes, Twitch streamers. I’ve also dealt with a lot of people who’ve become apocalyptically upset when they found out that their favorite cosplayer or YouTuber or what-have-you is actually in a relationship with someone. For a lot of people, it’s treated like a betrayal — how dare they give me the vague hope that I might hook up with them if they ever actually knew I existed beyond tipping them on stream?

The problem is that people get invested in what’s ultimately a one-sided relationship — what’s known as a parasocial relationship. It feels real because you see them so often that you feel like you know them… but it’s not. It’s simply that you’re exposed to them so frequently that you feel like you have a connection that isn’t actually there. This is something of a quirk of human psychology; the more exposure we have to something or someone, the more we come to like it or them. And since the human brain doesn’t necessarily distinguish between the exposure of seeing someone on a screen and in person… well, people develop strong feelings about folks they’ve only ever seen on their phones, tablets or laptops.

And while this phenomena is older than cinema, the dynamics of Twitch and YouTube mean that we see far more of our favorite streamers than we do of movie stars. Similarly, the perceived intimacy of Twitch and YouTube encourages a sense of “authenticity” and vulnerability and “realism” that people respond to… even when it may well be entirely manufactured. Moreover, there are financial incentives to build that sense of connection; the more streamers and YouTubers create a sense of community — whether they’re Critters, Murderinos, NerdFighters (no relation) or other communities — the more invested the fans are and the more likely they are to support the creators. Sometimes this community includes a greater sense of access to said creators; you may never be at the table with Caduceus and Beau and Jester, but you might have access to other streamers’ Discords or private AMAs etc. that increase that sense of “I know them”.

The problem is that some folks see this relationship as being more than it actually is. That increased level of access can create a feeling that you know them better than you actually do, that you’re closer than you actually are. That can create complications. Having that perceived level of access can make it feel like there’s more there than actually exists and make people feel like you have a sense of ownership over them… or developing crushes on them. Crushes that go beyond the sort of fantasies we might hold about other, more distant celebrities. Crushes that feel like you might actually have a chance.

But you don’t. And having that fantasy shattered — say, by her having a boyfriend — can be painful.

Which brings us to your situation. I think going nuclear was an overreaction, and one that didn’t do you any favors in the long run. One of the skills we all need to develop is how to pivot off a crush or an attraction that we can’t realize, for one reason or another. Learning that attraction isn’t a command that you need to act on is a vital life skill, especially if you find yourself attracted to someone you can’t just cut off. But hey, that was your call and it was the best choice you could have made with the tools you had at the time.

What you shouldn’t do is tell her that you cut her off because you had a crush on her. Telling her about it only serves to make your emotions her responsibility… even if that’s not your intent. After all, this wasn’t something that she encouraged; she didn’t gaslight you into thinking you had a chance, she didn’t lead you on and she wasn’t maliciously hiding the fact that she has a boyfriend. Telling her “I had to go because I want to date you and I can’t” only sets up a dynamic where now she has to manage your feelings, lest she feel like she’s encouraging you somehow. That’s not fair to her in the slightest.

Telling her “hey, I had some personal stuff to deal with, it’s all good” was the best option there. That sense that you’re lying to her about it? That’s the hope that if you tell her that you’ve got a crush on her, she’ll reveal that she feels the same way. She doesn’t and that feeling is just one more way of holding onto the fantasy that you might have a chance and — bluntly — you don’t. It’s better to let this go and give yourself some space to let things go.  When things have subsided, then you can resubscribe and re-follow. But what you don’t need to do is tell her about it later. Your crush on her isn’t her business to handle, it’s yours and knowing the difference is a mark of maturity.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com