DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been involved with a guy for a little over 5 years. We actually met online. I still remember the night I clicked on his profile. Based on looks, he wasn’t the kind of guy I would typically date, but from his profile and the small chats we exchanged online, he seemed pretty cool. The only problem was that we lived in different states.

Although Philadelphia and New York aren’t so far from each other, at the time it seemed like a world away. Nevertheless, we both agreed to meet each other after a few weeks. Long story short, we hit it off pretty well. And quickly became very close.

In the first few years of dating, we honestly didn’t get to see each other more than 1-2 times a month. But despite that we called, texted, and video chatted every day. In my mind, the relationship was real.

There was never any indication that he had anyone else in the picture. He seemed very transparent about his life.

Fast Forward towards the end of 2018. I decided to create an Instagram account to promote a small startup business. His profile popped up as a suggested follow. I decided to scroll through his page (I chose not to follow simply because I didn’t want to seem like a stalker). Most of the pictures on there were pictures/videos that I had either taken of him while we were out together, of activities we both did together, or things that he’s already shared with me through regular chats and messaging. However, I have to say that I was taken aback by the fact that he had no pictures of us anywhere on his profile. They were all pictures of him, or his nieces and nephews.

Anyway, I had seen a few post of his latest “nephew” who was born earlier that year, around the same time I began to notice a shift in our relationship. When I clicked on the picture, not only did he identify the child as his own but the child had his same f

king name.

I will never forget how heartbroken and crushed I felt when I discovered this.

What was even worse was that I found out that besides me there were two other women in his life. The mother of his child, and another woman who he had been dating for as long as me.

I tried to break things off with him, but it seemed like the more I pulled away the more he drew me back in. And within time we ended up becoming closer than ever. Our 1-2x a month visits literally turned into at least 3-4x a week (with both of us taking turns to make the back and forth travel). He made every effort to show me that he was done with the other women, and even had me speak to the mother of his child directly.

Everything seemed okay until a few months ago when I found out I was pregnant. He was adamant that I needed to get an abortion and that he didn’t want a child (even though he already had one). Initially, I was considering an abortion myself simply because I didn’t think I was ready for a child. But when I thought about it more, I didn’t feel comfortable with the process. I told him that it wasn’t something I wanted to go through with. Instead of trying to understand my perspective, he literally went into a rage and told me that if I didn’t have the abortion he would want nothing to do with me. I thought this was all just talk, that he was just scared, and would eventually come into his senses later on. But he meant every word.

I don’t know what to do. There are moments when he’s randomly super sweet to me, and acts life everything is okay. Then there are back to back days where he sends me long rants of how I ruined his life by not having an abortion. I’m completely baffled by this monster that I used to call my boyfriend. A part of me thinks that the reason he is so mad is because he’s still leading a double life.

What should I do?? I’m honestly scared of this man. But at the same I still do love him.

Btw, the baby is due in October.

Pregnant and Lost

DEAR PREGNANT AND LOST: There’re certain letters I really hate getting. Not because there’s something wrong with the letter or the letter writer, but because ultimately the only answer is “get into the TARDIS and convince your past self to not make this mistake”.

This is one of those times. This guy is, to use the technical term, a cheating piece of s

t. A turbodouche of the first order. An absolute waste of a perfectly good quickie. In short: someone you should never have gotten together with in the first place, never mind being fluid-bonded with. Now that’s not entirely on you: he was actively lying to you — and his wife, and his other girlfriend — and he was using distance and your lack of a social media presence to keep you in the dark. That’s all on him, and there’s only so much you can blame yourself for wanting to trust someone who seemed to be on the up and up.

The mistake on your end was staying with him after you found out he was cheating. Now I’m firmly of the opinion that cheating isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, nor is infidelity an automatic relationship extinction event; I feel there’re shades of gray and not all infidelities are equal.

This s

t? This s

t right here? This is like the Platonic Ideal of a Cheating Piece of S

t. This wasn’t “had too much to drink and failed my Wisdom save”, this wasn’t a moment of weakness or some other “there but for the grace of God go I” moment. This is someone who’s actively and maliciously lying to three people and trying to drag you into being his accomplice in his lies. And even if he had some sort of open or poly arrangement with them… he seems to have neglected mentioning it to you. For five years.

All that is an excellent reason to dump this dude so hard his grandparents get divorced retroactively. And he knew it, because he put on the charm offensive and love-bombed you to keep you from leaving him, trying to make you believe that he may have done some scummy things but he’s on the road to redemption and everything can be better than it was before.

And then you got pregnant and oh look, the mask didn’t slip so much as fall the f

k off. It’s one thing for two people to disagree on abortion; the person who’s pregnant has the final choice, but people can and often do have complicated feelings on the matter. Flying into a rage and demanding that someone get an abortion or else… well, that’s yet another reason to tell said raging nutsack to f

k all the way off and then f

k off some more.

Was all this about the fact that he’s still living a double life? Well it’s certainly not out of the equation. Can’t say without evidence,  but it certainly wouldn’t be out of character for him. But I think that it’s far more likely that what he wants is control. He wants you doing what he wants, when he wants and anything that inconveniences him or goes against his plans or interests is a crime too great to be born. And when someone refuses to give him exactly what he wants, he Hulks out at them.

The combination of rants and sweet moments are to keep you off balance and bait you into doing what he wants because you want him to be sweet again and avoid his rage. This is what’s known as “intermittent reinforcement”; he’s trying to get you in a place where you keep trying to get the sweet and good parts of  him back and live in fear of the punishments and rage. It may not be a conscious and calculated plan on his part, but I can guarantee that if you talk to the other women in his life, he does this s

t all the time.

What should you do? Well, to be perfectly honest, I think the first thing you should do is get a lawyer. You and your lawyer can make arrangements about issues like custody and child support in ways that involve minimal contact from him; he may not want the child, but I wouldn’t put it past him to try to use it as a weapon to make your life miserable. I would also suggest that you set things up so that all contact with you goes through your lawyer; the less access he has to you, the less he can pull his “baby come back” routine. I would also strongly recommend blocking him on pretty much every form of social media you have and locking things down so he has no access to you or your life.

While I get that you still love him, the truth is that this dude is ten pounds of s

t in a five pound sack and you’re well rid of him. The sooner you can minimize the access he has to you — assuming you can’t cut him out entirely — the better off you will be.

And in the future… don’t be afraid to check out people’s social media.  In this day and age, it’s more or less taken for granted that people we meet or date are going to Google us or add us on Facebook or Instagram. That’s not stalking, especially when it’s a public-facing profile, that’s just basic getting-to-know-someone material. And occasionally, you may find someone’s been leading a double (or triple) life.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. You were used and lied to and you didn’t deserve any of it. You need to take care of yourself and prioritize your safety and well-being and that of your child.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading and enjoying your column for quite a while now. Your advice has been eye-opening and quite informative. I have an unusual situation that I’m feeling lost with and could use your perspective on. It’s about talking to your family after you take back someone who left you.

First, some background. I’m a straight guy in grad school. I was seeing a woman, I’ll call her “T”, I’d met through a job, and there was a big age difference. I’m in my late 20s and she’s in her mid-40s, so there’s just about a full generational gap. When I met her, she was in an abusive marriage for over 10 years to a guy who can best be described as “redneck”, but she was able to leave and divorce the guy. Afterwards, “T” and I hit it off, and we were seeing each other for the better part of 2 years. I never told my parents though. My mother especially would not have approved of me seeing her due to her age. Despite the secrecy, things started well, but became much more one-sided over time. I was still very into her, always wanting to hang out and have her over, but she grew distant. I didn’t notice (or probably rather refused to notice) until she hit me with it all at once: she decided that she needed to date another person to “get things out of her system” (her words). “T” had been spending time with one of her old classmates and decided she liked him enough to put a stop to what we had. Needless to say, I was devastated. I had only been in one relationship prior to her and I was feeling so bad and so out of control that I ended up seeking therapy for the first time in my life, which was and still is extremely helpful.

After the break up, “T” and I decided to try and be friends, which ended up working after I entered therapy and was able to clear my mind and heart. I told my mother about what had happened and while she wasn’t happy, she appreciated I told her. But then, one day, “T” gives me a call and says that she broke things off with whoever she started seeing and wanted to meet up and talk. I agreed, and she was in tears as I talked with her. She told me that she was sorry for leaving, she loved me, and that what she and I had was better than anything she had ever had before. She said she was committed to me now and that she’d never stray again, even going so far as to write me a long letter saying as much. She had never been very emotional before, so I was taken aback by how she was crying.

After some soul-searching I realized I still love “T”, and I agreed to take things slowly with her. The relationship’s been far more equal than it was in those prior months (for example, she asks me to spend time with her as much as the other way around), and she’s been doing everything else in her power to demonstrate that she’s serious about being with me. Things like gifts, long chats and extended time together (while maintaining social distance of course), and stopping all communication with the guy she ran off with, paint a genuine picture of remorse to me. I’ve let her know I appreciate her actions, and I feel closer to her than at any time before. Now though, the problem is telling my family. My mother especially now holds “T” up as “red-flags personified” and expressed how angry she’d be if I ever ended up with her, so I’m not sure how to eventually tell my mother about things. I don’t want to live in a secret relationship forever and want to tell her, but I’m afraid of essentially being kicked out of the family because of how I feel. “T” seems to be genuinely trying to make amends and I still truly love her, but my mother would likely not see it that way and insist that “T” is using me.

I’m lost on what course of action to take. Do I “damn the torpedoes” and tell my mother anyway, or do I heed my mother’s words and break things off with “T” despite how I love her? Like I said, I don’t want to be in a secret relationship, so I’m eventually going to have to go down one of those two paths I outlined above. What’s you take Doc? Or is there something I’m not seeing since I’m directly in it?

Thank you so much for your advice,

Between Two Places

DEAR BETWEEN TWO PLACES: So, there’re two inherent questions in this, BTP. One is how to tell your family that you’re getting back with T. The other… is whether you should get back together with her at all.

I literally just finished a two-part video series over at the DNL YouTube channel about whether it’s a good idea to get back with your ex (it usually isn’t) and if so, how to go about it. In my episode on whether you should or shouldn’t get back with your ex, I bring up that there’re a series of questions you need to answer before you decide to roll those particular dice. Two of the important ones are: why now, and have the things that lead to your break up changed? These are questions you probably should be asking — either yourself, or T — because they’ll inform everything else.

One of the more unusual phenomena during the COVID-19 pandemic has been the rise of people reaching out to their exes and trying to kick things off again. This isn’t entirely unexpected; during times of chaos and strife, there’s an almost instinctual desire to reach out for the known and familiar. In a lot of cases, those are people you’ve been in relationships before; after all, time has a way of sanding down the rough parts of the previous relationship and nostalgia tints everything, making us feel like maybe things weren’t that bad. People want to get back to the way they felt in the early days of their past relationships… even if the rest of it was a giant flaming shit show.

If it’s the case that T is reaching out because she’s suddenly single or feeling the need for comfort at a chaotic time… well, that’s going to be a warning sign. The odds are good that the impetus is the crisis itself, and absent that motivating factor, the relationship will fall apart a second time.

The answer to the second question is equally vital, and often paired with the first. After all, if nothing has changed, then all you’re doing is signing up for the 12″ dance remix of your previous break-up. It’s the same song, just a little faster and with a slightly different beat.

In this case, T left because “she needed to get things out of her system”. 9 times out of 10, when someone says that, they’re saying they want to fuck other people and aren’t willing to do things like, say, negotiate some form of openness or ethical non-monogamy.  In this case, T was having a flirty relationship with a classmate and the urge to be with the shiny new toy was overwhelming the desire to be in a relationship with you. And the way she dropped all of this on you all at once was, frankly, not cool. It’s not like there’s a good way to tell somebody that you want to bang someone else (and stop banging you in the process) but saying “hey, I want to fuck this other guy so peace out Cub Scout” is a particularly cruel way of doing so. So while I don’t agree that T is “red flags personified”, I can’t blame your mom for not liking her.

However, it’s important to note that “I need to get this out of my system”  almost never ends with the one time. There is almost no case where someone needed to do something “to get it out of their system” and actually did get it out of their system. In fact, more often than not, it just gave them a taste and they needed more. So I would be giving T more than a little side-eye over the way she’s come crawling back, especially with this timing.

All that having been said, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume that she has, in fact, realized she made a mistake and is trying to make things up to you in good faith. If she is trying to make amends and if you do decide to get back together… well, I would advise giving it a little time at first. You and she aren’t picking up where things left off; you’re starting a new relationship with the same person. You have to treat this as though you were dating someone else for the first time — the person she is now instead of who she was the last time you two were dating. In that case, I would give things some time before you made it Facebook (and Mom) official.

I’d also point out that you were barely out of the honeymoon stage last time when T dropped the “I want to see other people” bomb on you. I’d personally want to wait until you got through the same period before declaring that this is a love to last the ages. I’m just sayin’…

However, if/when you do tell your mother, the thing that you do is point to all the work that T has been doing to make amends. Not necessarily the gifts — that carries the feel of bribery — but the fact that she is making an effort to make things up to you and prove that she’s in it to win it this time. If T’s putting in the effort to be a better partner this time around and can demonstrate to you (and your mother) that she’s a woman of integrity, then her actions will convey the message far better than words. Your mom may always have some hard feelings for her — she hurt her little boy! — but if she’s a good person who makes you happy, she’ll at least be able to accept it, however grudgingly.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One thing I hear over and over again from people is that I should be completely happy by myself before I attempt any sort of romantic engagement.

If that’s to be taken seriously, then how is dating not just an interruption of either of our lives? If I’m content with being alone, then how wouldn’t inviting someone into my daily life not just make them feel unnecessary? How wouldn’t my partner just feel like a proverbial tacked-on wheel to an already functional vehicle?

Rolling Solo

DEAR ROLLING SOLO: This is an interesting question because I have mixed feelings about the idea of “you should be happy by yourself before you date someone”. Not that I disagree with it — I don’t — but because people toss it out there so frequently without understanding it. It’s kind of like the oft-quoted line from Ru Paul: if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else. People assume that this means that you can’t love someone or date them if, say, you struggle with depression or self-worth. But what it actually means is that you have to understand and trust yourself, be willing to be good to yourself and do what’s right for you if you’re going to love someone. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’ll pick people who aren’t right for you, you won’t have the necessary boundaries to make sure you aren’t taking care of your own needs and you’ll be offloading your own locus of control onto someone else.

So it is with “be happy by yourself”. The reason why people get this wrong is because… well, they’re coming at relationships from the wrong angle. They treat relationships as a “need”, a “I MUST have this in order to be happy” or “I can ONLY be satisfied if I’m dating someone”. That’s a bad look on anyone. The problem with this outlook is that you’re functionally abdicating responsibility for your own emotional health and well-being. When you’re saying that “you need X to be happy”, you’re putting the responsibility for your happiness and satisfaction on someone else; your theoretical partner is now responsible for making you happy and feeling satisfied. That’s not what they signed on for. Folks are struggling to hold onto their own emotional well-being; being the sole person in charge of another person’s happiness is just one responsibility too many.

It’s akin to the idea of the manic pixie dream girl: the idea that this woman’s whole purpose in life is to make her boyfriend a better person. But that’s not a person, that’s a prop.

At the same time, having a great life while you’re single doesn’t mean that adding to it is a disruption. You can be happy and satisfied while being single and still want to date. You can have a great life and date someone without it being a disruption. Having a great life, one that you’re happy with, actually makes you a more desirable partner. It means that you’ve got your s

t together. You’re in a good place emotionally, you’ve got a solid social circle, you have interests and passions and live an interesting and fulfilling life. These are all positive qualities, things that we look for in potential partners. It means that they aren’t going to be looking to us to pick up the slack for them. It also means that they’re living a life that we would like to take part in. After all: if you’re having a great time with friends and activities… why wouldn’t someone else look at that and say “hey, I’d love to give that a try. I bet that I would have a great time with them!”

Being “needed” sounds sweet and romantic… right up until you try to live it. That’s when you discover that this isn’t love, it’s control. It’s anxiety.

Your life should be great… and a relationship should be the capstone on it, not the foundation. Otherwise, all you’re doing is giving up control of your life. The loss of that foundation — because relationships can and do end, even when nobody has done anything wrong — destroys your life and happiness.

A relationship is a complement to a life well lived. It’s the wine that ties a great meal together; it increases the quality, but isn’t a prerequisite.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I’m turning 21 within a few months, and I have yet to get a guy to even say hi to me without me initiating the conversation first. My three sisters all had boyfriends by the time they were 15. I have yet to even go on a date.

I’m doing everything that I am supposed to: getting out of my comfort zone, talking to people, and trying new things, but nothing is working. I’ve lowered my standards and lowered my expectations, but still nothing. I’m getting so sick and tired of being rejected. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I would like to get a boyfriend by the end of my junior year of college, but if things keep going the way they are, I’ll probably never get a boyfriend and die alone. Help!

Newbie Blues

DEAR NEWBIE BLUES: I can’t tell you what you may or may not be doing wrong with guys, NB, but I can tell you what you’re doing wrong right now: you’re comparing your sisters’ highlight reels to your unedited footage. Trying to compare yourself and your love life to any one else — including your sisters — is a mistake because you are literally not them. You could do exactly every single thing they do, make every decision they made and still not have it work out because you are not them. The only way that you could have their success is for you to go back in time and literally take their place.

You aren’t in a race with anyone; the success other people have or haven’t had has absolutely no bearing on you. The fact that your sisters had boyfriends before you only means that they had boyfriends when they were younger. That’s it. You may notice that they almost certainly aren’t with them now. That’s because the relationships you have at 15 rarely last. Hell, most of the time they barely last to 16.

The other mistake you’re making is that you’re putting yourself on an arbitrary and artificial timeline. And you know what? I get it. I understand that desire to hit some milestone by a particular date. When I got to college, I was determined that I needed to lose my virginity before my sophomore year.

It didn’t happen. All that did happen was that I dated someone I was wildly incompatible with (and not terribly attracted to, to be honest) in hopes of beating that particular buzzer. I was so determined to try to cross what I saw as the most important moment in my life thus far that I functionally said “you’ll do” to the first person who I thought I could score with and then spent the majority of the time pushing hard for sex that she ultimately didn’t want. I, needless to say, did not cover myself in glory during all of this. That relationship (deservedly) fell apart, I went home for the summer and didn’t end up losing my virginity until the next year (which is a different learning experience entirely).

I bring this up because you’re setting yourself up on the same path. By deciding that you need to get a boyfriend by X date, you’re setting yourself up to try to date people who will likely be a poor match for you, simply because you’re trying to shove someone, anyone into the hole marked “boyfriend”. And while I don’t believe that your first time — whether it be your first relationship or your first sexual experience — needs to be this transcendent, magical event… it should be with someone who you actually want for themselves, rather than for what they represent.

What I suggest you do for right now is to stop trying to find a boyfriend. You’ve been trying and trying and trying and it hasn’t been working. So stop trying. Instead, I suggest that you effectively date yourself. By this I mean, stop letting the question of getting a boyfriend be the driving force in your life and simply do things for yourself for a while. Find clothes that make you feel like a million bucks or a sexy badass. Hit the gym, not because you’re trying to get into “beach body” shape or some other horses

t but because it makes you feel good regardless of what shape you have. Take full advantage of everything college has to offer, from cheap travel to various on and off-campus activities and events. Talk with dudes, make friends with them, but don’t stress dating. Spend that time getting to know yourself and treating yourself like a queen and living a life that you love, regardless of whether or not you have a boyfriend.

Because here’s the thing: a partner is not and should not be the foundation of your life, it should be the capstone. Your life should be something that you love and the only thing that could make it better would be finding a guy who’s actually worth sharing it with. And I promise: if you take this path of living an awesome life, getting comfortable with yourself and also being comfortable talking with dudes? You will find guys worth dating will come into your life almost without effort. And — more importantly — they’ll be guys who will actually be right for you instead of looking at someone and saying “you’ll do.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com