DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading and enjoying your column for quite a while now. Your advice has been eye-opening and quite informative. I have an unusual situation that I’m feeling lost with and could use your perspective on. It’s about talking to your family after you take back someone who left you.

First, some background. I’m a straight guy in grad school. I was seeing a woman, I’ll call her “T”, I’d met through a job, and there was a big age difference. I’m in my late 20s and she’s in her mid-40s, so there’s just about a full generational gap. When I met her, she was in an abusive marriage for over 10 years to a guy who can best be described as “redneck”, but she was able to leave and divorce the guy. Afterwards, “T” and I hit it off, and we were seeing each other for the better part of 2 years. I never told my parents though. My mother especially would not have approved of me seeing her due to her age. Despite the secrecy, things started well, but became much more one-sided over time. I was still very into her, always wanting to hang out and have her over, but she grew distant. I didn’t notice (or probably rather refused to notice) until she hit me with it all at once: she decided that she needed to date another person to “get things out of her system” (her words). “T” had been spending time with one of her old classmates and decided she liked him enough to put a stop to what we had. Needless to say, I was devastated. I had only been in one relationship prior to her and I was feeling so bad and so out of control that I ended up seeking therapy for the first time in my life, which was and still is extremely helpful.

After the break up, “T” and I decided to try and be friends, which ended up working after I entered therapy and was able to clear my mind and heart. I told my mother about what had happened and while she wasn’t happy, she appreciated I told her. But then, one day, “T” gives me a call and says that she broke things off with whoever she started seeing and wanted to meet up and talk. I agreed, and she was in tears as I talked with her. She told me that she was sorry for leaving, she loved me, and that what she and I had was better than anything she had ever had before. She said she was committed to me now and that she’d never stray again, even going so far as to write me a long letter saying as much. She had never been very emotional before, so I was taken aback by how she was crying.

After some soul-searching I realized I still love “T”, and I agreed to take things slowly with her. The relationship’s been far more equal than it was in those prior months (for example, she asks me to spend time with her as much as the other way around), and she’s been doing everything else in her power to demonstrate that she’s serious about being with me. Things like gifts, long chats and extended time together (while maintaining social distance of course), and stopping all communication with the guy she ran off with, paint a genuine picture of remorse to me. I’ve let her know I appreciate her actions, and I feel closer to her than at any time before. Now though, the problem is telling my family. My mother especially now holds “T” up as “red-flags personified” and expressed how angry she’d be if I ever ended up with her, so I’m not sure how to eventually tell my mother about things. I don’t want to live in a secret relationship forever and want to tell her, but I’m afraid of essentially being kicked out of the family because of how I feel. “T” seems to be genuinely trying to make amends and I still truly love her, but my mother would likely not see it that way and insist that “T” is using me.

I’m lost on what course of action to take. Do I “damn the torpedoes” and tell my mother anyway, or do I heed my mother’s words and break things off with “T” despite how I love her? Like I said, I don’t want to be in a secret relationship, so I’m eventually going to have to go down one of those two paths I outlined above. What’s you take Doc? Or is there something I’m not seeing since I’m directly in it?

Thank you so much for your advice,

Between Two Places

DEAR BETWEEN TWO PLACES: So, there’re two inherent questions in this, BTP. One is how to tell your family that you’re getting back with T. The other… is whether you should get back together with her at all.

I literally just finished a two-part video series over at the DNL YouTube channel about whether it’s a good idea to get back with your ex (it usually isn’t) and if so, how to go about it. In my episode on whether you should or shouldn’t get back with your ex, I bring up that there’re a series of questions you need to answer before you decide to roll those particular dice. Two of the important ones are: why now, and have the things that lead to your break up changed? These are questions you probably should be asking — either yourself, or T — because they’ll inform everything else.

One of the more unusual phenomena during the COVID-19 pandemic has been the rise of people reaching out to their exes and trying to kick things off again. This isn’t entirely unexpected; during times of chaos and strife, there’s an almost instinctual desire to reach out for the known and familiar. In a lot of cases, those are people you’ve been in relationships before; after all, time has a way of sanding down the rough parts of the previous relationship and nostalgia tints everything, making us feel like maybe things weren’t that bad. People want to get back to the way they felt in the early days of their past relationships… even if the rest of it was a giant flaming shit show.

If it’s the case that T is reaching out because she’s suddenly single or feeling the need for comfort at a chaotic time… well, that’s going to be a warning sign. The odds are good that the impetus is the crisis itself, and absent that motivating factor, the relationship will fall apart a second time.

The answer to the second question is equally vital, and often paired with the first. After all, if nothing has changed, then all you’re doing is signing up for the 12″ dance remix of your previous break-up. It’s the same song, just a little faster and with a slightly different beat.

In this case, T left because “she needed to get things out of her system”. 9 times out of 10, when someone says that, they’re saying they want to fuck other people and aren’t willing to do things like, say, negotiate some form of openness or ethical non-monogamy.  In this case, T was having a flirty relationship with a classmate and the urge to be with the shiny new toy was overwhelming the desire to be in a relationship with you. And the way she dropped all of this on you all at once was, frankly, not cool. It’s not like there’s a good way to tell somebody that you want to bang someone else (and stop banging you in the process) but saying “hey, I want to fuck this other guy so peace out Cub Scout” is a particularly cruel way of doing so. So while I don’t agree that T is “red flags personified”, I can’t blame your mom for not liking her.

However, it’s important to note that “I need to get this out of my system”  almost never ends with the one time. There is almost no case where someone needed to do something “to get it out of their system” and actually did get it out of their system. In fact, more often than not, it just gave them a taste and they needed more. So I would be giving T more than a little side-eye over the way she’s come crawling back, especially with this timing.

All that having been said, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume that she has, in fact, realized she made a mistake and is trying to make things up to you in good faith. If she is trying to make amends and if you do decide to get back together… well, I would advise giving it a little time at first. You and she aren’t picking up where things left off; you’re starting a new relationship with the same person. You have to treat this as though you were dating someone else for the first time — the person she is now instead of who she was the last time you two were dating. In that case, I would give things some time before you made it Facebook (and Mom) official.

I’d also point out that you were barely out of the honeymoon stage last time when T dropped the “I want to see other people” bomb on you. I’d personally want to wait until you got through the same period before declaring that this is a love to last the ages. I’m just sayin’…

However, if/when you do tell your mother, the thing that you do is point to all the work that T has been doing to make amends. Not necessarily the gifts — that carries the feel of bribery — but the fact that she is making an effort to make things up to you and prove that she’s in it to win it this time. If T’s putting in the effort to be a better partner this time around and can demonstrate to you (and your mother) that she’s a woman of integrity, then her actions will convey the message far better than words. Your mom may always have some hard feelings for her — she hurt her little boy! — but if she’s a good person who makes you happy, she’ll at least be able to accept it, however grudgingly.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One thing I hear over and over again from people is that I should be completely happy by myself before I attempt any sort of romantic engagement.

If that’s to be taken seriously, then how is dating not just an interruption of either of our lives? If I’m content with being alone, then how wouldn’t inviting someone into my daily life not just make them feel unnecessary? How wouldn’t my partner just feel like a proverbial tacked-on wheel to an already functional vehicle?

Rolling Solo

DEAR ROLLING SOLO: This is an interesting question because I have mixed feelings about the idea of “you should be happy by yourself before you date someone”. Not that I disagree with it — I don’t — but because people toss it out there so frequently without understanding it. It’s kind of like the oft-quoted line from Ru Paul: if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else. People assume that this means that you can’t love someone or date them if, say, you struggle with depression or self-worth. But what it actually means is that you have to understand and trust yourself, be willing to be good to yourself and do what’s right for you if you’re going to love someone. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’ll pick people who aren’t right for you, you won’t have the necessary boundaries to make sure you aren’t taking care of your own needs and you’ll be offloading your own locus of control onto someone else.

So it is with “be happy by yourself”. The reason why people get this wrong is because… well, they’re coming at relationships from the wrong angle. They treat relationships as a “need”, a “I MUST have this in order to be happy” or “I can ONLY be satisfied if I’m dating someone”. That’s a bad look on anyone. The problem with this outlook is that you’re functionally abdicating responsibility for your own emotional health and well-being. When you’re saying that “you need X to be happy”, you’re putting the responsibility for your happiness and satisfaction on someone else; your theoretical partner is now responsible for making you happy and feeling satisfied. That’s not what they signed on for. Folks are struggling to hold onto their own emotional well-being; being the sole person in charge of another person’s happiness is just one responsibility too many.

It’s akin to the idea of the manic pixie dream girl: the idea that this woman’s whole purpose in life is to make her boyfriend a better person. But that’s not a person, that’s a prop.

At the same time, having a great life while you’re single doesn’t mean that adding to it is a disruption. You can be happy and satisfied while being single and still want to date. You can have a great life and date someone without it being a disruption. Having a great life, one that you’re happy with, actually makes you a more desirable partner. It means that you’ve got your s

t together. You’re in a good place emotionally, you’ve got a solid social circle, you have interests and passions and live an interesting and fulfilling life. These are all positive qualities, things that we look for in potential partners. It means that they aren’t going to be looking to us to pick up the slack for them. It also means that they’re living a life that we would like to take part in. After all: if you’re having a great time with friends and activities… why wouldn’t someone else look at that and say “hey, I’d love to give that a try. I bet that I would have a great time with them!”

Being “needed” sounds sweet and romantic… right up until you try to live it. That’s when you discover that this isn’t love, it’s control. It’s anxiety.

Your life should be great… and a relationship should be the capstone on it, not the foundation. Otherwise, all you’re doing is giving up control of your life. The loss of that foundation — because relationships can and do end, even when nobody has done anything wrong — destroys your life and happiness.

A relationship is a complement to a life well lived. It’s the wine that ties a great meal together; it increases the quality, but isn’t a prerequisite.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I’m turning 21 within a few months, and I have yet to get a guy to even say hi to me without me initiating the conversation first. My three sisters all had boyfriends by the time they were 15. I have yet to even go on a date.

I’m doing everything that I am supposed to: getting out of my comfort zone, talking to people, and trying new things, but nothing is working. I’ve lowered my standards and lowered my expectations, but still nothing. I’m getting so sick and tired of being rejected. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I would like to get a boyfriend by the end of my junior year of college, but if things keep going the way they are, I’ll probably never get a boyfriend and die alone. Help!

Newbie Blues

DEAR NEWBIE BLUES: I can’t tell you what you may or may not be doing wrong with guys, NB, but I can tell you what you’re doing wrong right now: you’re comparing your sisters’ highlight reels to your unedited footage. Trying to compare yourself and your love life to any one else — including your sisters — is a mistake because you are literally not them. You could do exactly every single thing they do, make every decision they made and still not have it work out because you are not them. The only way that you could have their success is for you to go back in time and literally take their place.

You aren’t in a race with anyone; the success other people have or haven’t had has absolutely no bearing on you. The fact that your sisters had boyfriends before you only means that they had boyfriends when they were younger. That’s it. You may notice that they almost certainly aren’t with them now. That’s because the relationships you have at 15 rarely last. Hell, most of the time they barely last to 16.

The other mistake you’re making is that you’re putting yourself on an arbitrary and artificial timeline. And you know what? I get it. I understand that desire to hit some milestone by a particular date. When I got to college, I was determined that I needed to lose my virginity before my sophomore year.

It didn’t happen. All that did happen was that I dated someone I was wildly incompatible with (and not terribly attracted to, to be honest) in hopes of beating that particular buzzer. I was so determined to try to cross what I saw as the most important moment in my life thus far that I functionally said “you’ll do” to the first person who I thought I could score with and then spent the majority of the time pushing hard for sex that she ultimately didn’t want. I, needless to say, did not cover myself in glory during all of this. That relationship (deservedly) fell apart, I went home for the summer and didn’t end up losing my virginity until the next year (which is a different learning experience entirely).

I bring this up because you’re setting yourself up on the same path. By deciding that you need to get a boyfriend by X date, you’re setting yourself up to try to date people who will likely be a poor match for you, simply because you’re trying to shove someone, anyone into the hole marked “boyfriend”. And while I don’t believe that your first time — whether it be your first relationship or your first sexual experience — needs to be this transcendent, magical event… it should be with someone who you actually want for themselves, rather than for what they represent.

What I suggest you do for right now is to stop trying to find a boyfriend. You’ve been trying and trying and trying and it hasn’t been working. So stop trying. Instead, I suggest that you effectively date yourself. By this I mean, stop letting the question of getting a boyfriend be the driving force in your life and simply do things for yourself for a while. Find clothes that make you feel like a million bucks or a sexy badass. Hit the gym, not because you’re trying to get into “beach body” shape or some other horses

t but because it makes you feel good regardless of what shape you have. Take full advantage of everything college has to offer, from cheap travel to various on and off-campus activities and events. Talk with dudes, make friends with them, but don’t stress dating. Spend that time getting to know yourself and treating yourself like a queen and living a life that you love, regardless of whether or not you have a boyfriend.

Because here’s the thing: a partner is not and should not be the foundation of your life, it should be the capstone. Your life should be something that you love and the only thing that could make it better would be finding a guy who’s actually worth sharing it with. And I promise: if you take this path of living an awesome life, getting comfortable with yourself and also being comfortable talking with dudes? You will find guys worth dating will come into your life almost without effort. And — more importantly — they’ll be guys who will actually be right for you instead of looking at someone and saying “you’ll do.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thanks so much for what you provide here. I know it’s centered around dating and relationship advice, but as far as I can tell, it’s just as much about being an actual decent person. I hope you appreciate your work as much as I do.

I suppose the best way to start is to just dive in, so here goes.

My ex recently got engaged. On one level I’m happy for her, or at least I want to be. She’s by all accounts an improbably lovely person and even after splitting, I’d like to know she’s fulfilled, or at the least happy.

Our breakup, though in no way mutual, was amicable. We were a good couple, not of the fantastical “the world has never seen a love like this before” bulls

t variety, but a respectful, mature and compatible one. After nearly 4 years together, I suppose we should be. So needless to say, I was pretty well blindsided when one day she said “I can’t do this anymore.” And shortly afterwards, I found out she moved in with her now fiance. It was pretty devastating.

There have been a lot of unresolved issues for me personally since then. There was never any closure, which is fine in the sense that she didn’t owe me anything, that maybe there was nothing to close off. She said her piece, I respected her choice, and she got in her car and drove off. End scene.

So, I went through the ceremonial mental gymnastics post break to fill in the blanks myself for questions such as:

What was wrong with me?

How did I f

k this up?

Why wasn’t I worth an effort (Seriously, there was no moment where she said there was something she needed or wanted from me, all things seemed fine until she ended it and tipped out)

What if I had fought more for the relationship then?

What if I never meet someone like her again?

What if…and on and on it goes until that bastard of a mental roommate, that inner critic, speaks up and says “Forget it you piece of s

t, just keep swiping right on Bumble until you’ve grown comfortable enough with the understanding that you’re gonna die alone”

Hey, thanks mental dialoguing. Knew I could count on you.

Since, I’ve tried really hard to grow from it. The love and attention I was putting into her, I started putting into relationships I have, like my parents and siblings. Tried new things, whether it’s scuba diving or meditating or dancing (thanks for that tip, ballroom is great). Began getting involved in my community and volunteering again.

I feel that I’ve grown emotionally and understand that in retrospect, despite seemingly checking a lot of boxes, I didn’t put in the work to become more emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

But then this news comes up, and all these questions come flooding back as well as the hurt. I’m wondering if this is the way it’ll be until I meet someone else. Or am I not emotionally fit to be available now? Despite being cool with where I am and who I am, there’s still a void. How long does that last?

Appreciate your time and thanks again for the great work you do,

Picking At The Scab

DEAR PICKING AT THE SCAB: One of the unexpected consequences of our current circumstances is just how much more intense everything feels. We’re all under a great deal of constant pressure — even if we aren’t consciously aware of it in the moment — and that means that means that a lot of our feelings and emotions are much bigger and louder than we’re used to. Even things that might normally not bother us feel immense and hit us in ways that we don’t expect. So it’s not surprising that you’re dealing with some strong and complicated feelings right now. These are normal feelings to have, even under normal circumstances… but these are decidedly not normal.

But that doesn’t mean that you won’t get through this. It’s a matter of understanding why you’re feeling the way that you’re feeling… but also understanding that what you feel isn’t necessarily accurate. Not that your feelings aren’t valid, but that they’re leading you to conclusions that aren’t correct.

Let’s start with this: you aren’t going to get closure from your ex. Please notice very carefully how I phrased that; you’re not going to get closure from her, because closure isn’t something she can give you. The closure you want is something that you’ll have to give to yourself; you have to decide for yourself how things went and why. This can admittedly be tricky; getting to acceptance when you feel like you’ve been rejected or found wanting is difficult. It’s very easy to feel like this was all your fault, especially in your case. When your ex leaves you and seems to leap straight into another relationship, it feels like it couldn’t be anything but a measure of your worth as a man and a partner.

But that’s not always the case.

One of the things that we often don’t think about when it comes to relationships is that relationships aren’t just two people; they’re an entity in and of themselves. People grow and change over time, and so do relationships. The problem is that sometimes relationships grow in directions that aren’t compatible with the people who make up that relationship. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, nor does it mean that someone did anything wrong. Not every relationship is meant to last until death do us part; some relationships are only for a specific time and place, and that’s fine. Short and medium relationships are as valid as long-term ones. They’re just as real, enriching and valuable, even if they don’t end when one or both you die in the saddle.

So part of making your peace with your break-up and getting that closure is recognizing and accepting that you two had a good thing together for while it lasted… and then you reached its natural conclusion. While it’s sad when a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean that it was a failure… or that you failed, for that matter. It just means that you reached the end of that particular story.

This is why the question of “what is wrong with me” or “how did I f

k this up” aren’t helpful or even accurate. Many times, the issue is “nothing” and “you didn’t”. What happened is just life; you and your ex grew and changed and those changes took you in opposing directions. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that she did. You were on the same path for a while and then your paths diverged. Trying to force those paths to converge again would just be an exercise of futility and frustration. You might be able to make it happen, but it would stunt and damage the relationship and make the resulting end even harder and more painful for everyone involved.

Similarly this means that there often wasn’t anything you could do. You could have fought as hard as you could for that relationship… but fighting wouldn’t necessarily change anything. It’s like trying to change someone’s favorite flavors; you can offer as many variations on other flavors as you want, but it’s not going to make a difference. You can’t control your partner or force her to feel or not feel things. Nor, for that matter, can you shape her life or growth like a bonsai tree, or twist yourself into knots trying to be something you’re not. That’s not a fault in you or a flaw; it’s just that you and she were no longer right for one another. There’s no failure, there’s no good guy or bad guy. As a wise man once said: you can commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness, that’s life.

The closure you want is to accept that this relationship was for that period of time. It was there and it was great. It ended, but it’s all the sweeter for that. Lingering in that moment only keeps you from moving forward and starting the new chapter in your love life.

The other thing to realize is that no, you’re not going to meet anyone like her. Not because you’re doomed to die alone and unloved, but because nobody else could be her. I know — hoo boy do I know — that it feels like what you want is her but without the whole “doesn’t want to date you”  parts. But you don’t want her because she isn’t right for you any longer. You’re going to move forward and you’ll meet someone (many someones, even) who are right for you and who are compatible with who you are now, in this time and place.

To quote the bard: Her love may have been one in a million, but out of all those hundreds of other thousands of potential lives, they’re plenty that’ll be just as nice. If not better.

All this stings because you feel like your break up was your fault and it wasn’t. Her growth and change wasn’t because of you or despite you. It wasn’t something you could’ve stopped or avoided. It just was.  So while it hurts and deserves to be mourned, it wasn’t your responsibility.

What do you do now? Well, first, you forgive yourself. You forgive yourself for holding onto this pain, for all the little things you think you should’ve done and for the things you didn’t do. Then you make your peace with the end of your relationship. You accept that this relationship came to it’s natural conclusion, take what you’ve learned about life, love and yourself and apply it to your next relationship. Finally, you accept your feelings. Note them, name them and acknowledge them. This is your sadness that the relationship ended, this is your fear that you might not find someone else, this is your feeling rejected by someone you cared about. Acknowledge that you’re feeling them and let them pass, rather than wallowing or using them to punish yourself for sins you didn’t actually commit.

Then, mentally tell your ex goodbye and wish her all the best. She’s your past, and it’s time for you to look forward. Carrying around this pain and self-recrimination is only going to slow you down and make it harder for you to find your future. While you were dating her, you learned a lot about yourself and about love. It’s time to apply those lessons and move into tomorrow.

You’ve got this, Picking at the Scab. You’ll be ok, I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com