DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thanks so much for what you provide here. I know it’s centered around dating and relationship advice, but as far as I can tell, it’s just as much about being an actual decent person. I hope you appreciate your work as much as I do.

I suppose the best way to start is to just dive in, so here goes.

My ex recently got engaged. On one level I’m happy for her, or at least I want to be. She’s by all accounts an improbably lovely person and even after splitting, I’d like to know she’s fulfilled, or at the least happy.

Our breakup, though in no way mutual, was amicable. We were a good couple, not of the fantastical “the world has never seen a love like this before” bulls

t variety, but a respectful, mature and compatible one. After nearly 4 years together, I suppose we should be. So needless to say, I was pretty well blindsided when one day she said “I can’t do this anymore.” And shortly afterwards, I found out she moved in with her now fiance. It was pretty devastating.

There have been a lot of unresolved issues for me personally since then. There was never any closure, which is fine in the sense that she didn’t owe me anything, that maybe there was nothing to close off. She said her piece, I respected her choice, and she got in her car and drove off. End scene.

So, I went through the ceremonial mental gymnastics post break to fill in the blanks myself for questions such as:

What was wrong with me?

How did I f

k this up?

Why wasn’t I worth an effort (Seriously, there was no moment where she said there was something she needed or wanted from me, all things seemed fine until she ended it and tipped out)

What if I had fought more for the relationship then?

What if I never meet someone like her again?

What if…and on and on it goes until that bastard of a mental roommate, that inner critic, speaks up and says “Forget it you piece of s

t, just keep swiping right on Bumble until you’ve grown comfortable enough with the understanding that you’re gonna die alone”

Hey, thanks mental dialoguing. Knew I could count on you.

Since, I’ve tried really hard to grow from it. The love and attention I was putting into her, I started putting into relationships I have, like my parents and siblings. Tried new things, whether it’s scuba diving or meditating or dancing (thanks for that tip, ballroom is great). Began getting involved in my community and volunteering again.

I feel that I’ve grown emotionally and understand that in retrospect, despite seemingly checking a lot of boxes, I didn’t put in the work to become more emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

But then this news comes up, and all these questions come flooding back as well as the hurt. I’m wondering if this is the way it’ll be until I meet someone else. Or am I not emotionally fit to be available now? Despite being cool with where I am and who I am, there’s still a void. How long does that last?

Appreciate your time and thanks again for the great work you do,

Picking At The Scab

DEAR PICKING AT THE SCAB: One of the unexpected consequences of our current circumstances is just how much more intense everything feels. We’re all under a great deal of constant pressure — even if we aren’t consciously aware of it in the moment — and that means that means that a lot of our feelings and emotions are much bigger and louder than we’re used to. Even things that might normally not bother us feel immense and hit us in ways that we don’t expect. So it’s not surprising that you’re dealing with some strong and complicated feelings right now. These are normal feelings to have, even under normal circumstances… but these are decidedly not normal.

But that doesn’t mean that you won’t get through this. It’s a matter of understanding why you’re feeling the way that you’re feeling… but also understanding that what you feel isn’t necessarily accurate. Not that your feelings aren’t valid, but that they’re leading you to conclusions that aren’t correct.

Let’s start with this: you aren’t going to get closure from your ex. Please notice very carefully how I phrased that; you’re not going to get closure from her, because closure isn’t something she can give you. The closure you want is something that you’ll have to give to yourself; you have to decide for yourself how things went and why. This can admittedly be tricky; getting to acceptance when you feel like you’ve been rejected or found wanting is difficult. It’s very easy to feel like this was all your fault, especially in your case. When your ex leaves you and seems to leap straight into another relationship, it feels like it couldn’t be anything but a measure of your worth as a man and a partner.

But that’s not always the case.

One of the things that we often don’t think about when it comes to relationships is that relationships aren’t just two people; they’re an entity in and of themselves. People grow and change over time, and so do relationships. The problem is that sometimes relationships grow in directions that aren’t compatible with the people who make up that relationship. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, nor does it mean that someone did anything wrong. Not every relationship is meant to last until death do us part; some relationships are only for a specific time and place, and that’s fine. Short and medium relationships are as valid as long-term ones. They’re just as real, enriching and valuable, even if they don’t end when one or both you die in the saddle.

So part of making your peace with your break-up and getting that closure is recognizing and accepting that you two had a good thing together for while it lasted… and then you reached its natural conclusion. While it’s sad when a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean that it was a failure… or that you failed, for that matter. It just means that you reached the end of that particular story.

This is why the question of “what is wrong with me” or “how did I f

k this up” aren’t helpful or even accurate. Many times, the issue is “nothing” and “you didn’t”. What happened is just life; you and your ex grew and changed and those changes took you in opposing directions. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that she did. You were on the same path for a while and then your paths diverged. Trying to force those paths to converge again would just be an exercise of futility and frustration. You might be able to make it happen, but it would stunt and damage the relationship and make the resulting end even harder and more painful for everyone involved.

Similarly this means that there often wasn’t anything you could do. You could have fought as hard as you could for that relationship… but fighting wouldn’t necessarily change anything. It’s like trying to change someone’s favorite flavors; you can offer as many variations on other flavors as you want, but it’s not going to make a difference. You can’t control your partner or force her to feel or not feel things. Nor, for that matter, can you shape her life or growth like a bonsai tree, or twist yourself into knots trying to be something you’re not. That’s not a fault in you or a flaw; it’s just that you and she were no longer right for one another. There’s no failure, there’s no good guy or bad guy. As a wise man once said: you can commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness, that’s life.

The closure you want is to accept that this relationship was for that period of time. It was there and it was great. It ended, but it’s all the sweeter for that. Lingering in that moment only keeps you from moving forward and starting the new chapter in your love life.

The other thing to realize is that no, you’re not going to meet anyone like her. Not because you’re doomed to die alone and unloved, but because nobody else could be her. I know — hoo boy do I know — that it feels like what you want is her but without the whole “doesn’t want to date you”  parts. But you don’t want her because she isn’t right for you any longer. You’re going to move forward and you’ll meet someone (many someones, even) who are right for you and who are compatible with who you are now, in this time and place.

To quote the bard: Her love may have been one in a million, but out of all those hundreds of other thousands of potential lives, they’re plenty that’ll be just as nice. If not better.

All this stings because you feel like your break up was your fault and it wasn’t. Her growth and change wasn’t because of you or despite you. It wasn’t something you could’ve stopped or avoided. It just was.  So while it hurts and deserves to be mourned, it wasn’t your responsibility.

What do you do now? Well, first, you forgive yourself. You forgive yourself for holding onto this pain, for all the little things you think you should’ve done and for the things you didn’t do. Then you make your peace with the end of your relationship. You accept that this relationship came to it’s natural conclusion, take what you’ve learned about life, love and yourself and apply it to your next relationship. Finally, you accept your feelings. Note them, name them and acknowledge them. This is your sadness that the relationship ended, this is your fear that you might not find someone else, this is your feeling rejected by someone you cared about. Acknowledge that you’re feeling them and let them pass, rather than wallowing or using them to punish yourself for sins you didn’t actually commit.

Then, mentally tell your ex goodbye and wish her all the best. She’s your past, and it’s time for you to look forward. Carrying around this pain and self-recrimination is only going to slow you down and make it harder for you to find your future. While you were dating her, you learned a lot about yourself and about love. It’s time to apply those lessons and move into tomorrow.

You’ve got this, Picking at the Scab. You’ll be ok, I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a straight man in my mid-twenties who had had absolutely zero dating experience until relatively recently. In part thanks to inspiration from your blog, I started working towards self-improvement and tried putting myself out there more, and I finally began to get a few dates. Eventually, I had my first (and so far only) sexual experience involving another person, which ended badly. I brought a woman back to my place after a second date, and she said yes to sex (I had never done more than make out). I started going down on her, which she seemed to enjoy, but I threw up on her. Quite understandably, she asked me to stop and drive her home. I sent her a text the next day apologizing again for what had happened, but unsurprisingly I never heard from her again.

This incident was a stumbling block in the path of the confidence and momentum I’d been building up, and I haven’t been able to get a date since. Given that I only have this one experience to draw from, I have no idea whether this was a one-time reaction or something likely to recur. On the one hand, it’s possible I simply ate something that didn’t agree with me (I don’t think alcohol is the culprit, by the way, as I’d only had a single drink with dinner). On the other hand, this could easily be something that happens again. I am a picky eater who sometimes gets nauseous from food with off-putting tastes, smells, or textures, so that could be the reason. Her vulva smelled pretty bad to me, and I kept getting pubes stuck on my tongue. Since I have nothing to compare it to, however, I have no idea whether most women would be similar or if I was simply dealing with a case of unusually bad hygiene.

Also, I feel bad saying this, another possible factor is that she was… I wouldn’t say unattractive, but approaching the limit of what I would find physically attractive. She was a nice person, and I try to keep an open mind and not have too high standards for physical appearance, just as I would hope others would do for me. Still, I wonder whether I would have had the same reaction if it were with someone I were more strongly attracted to. Finally, a contributing factor was probably the fact that I was nervous. It was my first time getting naked with someone else, and I had thought I was about to lose my virginity. The irony is not lost on me that if nerves were playing a major role, then that makes me nervous it could happen again, which in turn makes it more likely.

I’m at a loss for how to approach this the next time I find myself about to get sexual with a woman. Presumably, saying “I’ve only done this once before and I puked on her” would send most people running for the hills. However, it also feels unfair to a potential partner to not warn her that I’m concerned that I could vomit on her, since I don’t know which of the aforementioned factors were involved and which ones could arise again. I feel really bad for the last woman and wouldn’t want to put someone else through that. How should I handle this going forward?

Weak Stomach

DEAR WEAK STOMACH: There’s a lot to unpack here, WS but I’m thinking maybe we just toss out the suitcase entirely. But before we get to the part that’s going to lead to a LOT of discussion in the comments section, let’s talk about what happened, first.

I’m sorry your attempt at a first time went catastrophically badly. If it helps, you’re not the only person who’s thrown up during sex. In fact, puking during the act — including during oral sex — is common enough that a quick Google search brings up more “It Happened To Me” essays, forum posts and Reddit comments than I care to think about.

(I don’t recommend actually doing more than a cursory search, by the way. You will see things that will make you wish you could take a melon baller to the portion of your brain that retains such information.)

There’re a lot of reasons why this could’ve happened. The most obvious is nerves; you would hardly be the first person who was so keyed up about the possibility of losing their virginity that you got a queasy stomach and did the technicolor yawn at the worst possible moment. Alcohol probably wouldn’t have helped either. Even if you had only one drink, if you were already on the nauseous side, that could tip things from “ok, unpleasant but I can work through it” to “ooooh that’s not good” when you least expect it.

And then there’s the fact that you have texture and sensory issues when it comes to food. That might also cause problems, especially when combined with other factors.

Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a huge “but” coming.

BUT.

You bring up issues regarding the way her vulva smelled and issues with pubic hair… and honestly, I don’t think you realize the size of the rake you’re stepping on here. While I don’t think you intended this, “Wow, vaginas smell BAD” is an old, offensive and honestly sexist trope and joke that’s been around for decades. It’s been fodder for hacky “jokes” that are about as welcome and funny as Andrew Dice Clay’s “dirty nursery rhymes” material. People have been stigmatizing and literally pathologizing women being “not so fresh” since the ’30s, when women were told to use Lysol as a douche for “feminine hygiene”.

No, for real. They used to run ads about it in actual magazines.

Even now, you get dudes — and it’s almost always dudes — who are performatively disgusted or repulsed by the smell of a woman’s vulva. That Google search I mentioned earlier is rife with grown-ass men making comments about “coochie stank”, and they’re about as mature as you would expect.

Now, while it’s possible that there was an actual medical issue that was causing an unusual odor, or she wasn’t rigorous about cleanliness, the odds are much greater that the problem is… well, that this was the first time you’d ever gone down on someone.

The fact of the matter is that bodies have smells and scents; that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically foul or awful. If it’s your first time going down on somebody, then it can be unusual or unexpected. It’s part of the learning curve, something that you get used to as part of the package. Sex is, after all, a full-contact sport that involves a host of body parts, secretions, fluids and scents. That’s part of what’s going to happen. And it’s not just vulvas that have an odor. Balls are gonna have their own smell, especially if it’s been warm and they’ve been sweating. Uncircumcised penises, likewise, tend to have their own scent; having foreskin increases odds of odor-producing bacteria. You learn to roll with it and — as many folks do — learn to appreciate it as part of the smell of sex.

Yes, it may sound weird or off-putting to describe body odors as something you get used to or even “an acquired taste”, but it’s honestly not different from other unusual scents or flavors. Most folks don’t like the taste of beer or alcohol the first time they encounter it. The smell of certain flowers, shellfish, food or fruit can seem weird when you’ve never encountered it before… but it quickly becomes something that people are used to or even enjoy.

Similarly, minor inconveniences happen during sex as well, because real sex doesn’t look like porn. Someone farts at an inappropriate moment. Somebody drops the lube and now the bed is a slip-and-slide. Limbs cramp up, somebody leans on someone else’s hair, one person moves into a position that ends up being incredibly uncomfortable… and yes, performing oral sex on someone — regardless of genitals — means that occasionally you’re going to get a pubic hair going astray. Part of being a good lover is learning how to roll with the little things without freaking out or letting it interrupt the proceedings. Anyone who’s gone down on someone with public hair has dealt with getting a loose hair in the wrong spot. The typical response is to pause for a second to spit it out or wipe it away before diving back in. Unless it’s actually hitting the soft palate or the back of your throat and making you gag, this takes less time to perform than it does to type it out.

Then there’s this part:

“Also, I feel bad saying this, another possible factor is that she was… I wouldn’t say unattractive, but approaching the limit of what I would find physically attractive.”

Part of what often gets people over the hump (as it were) of novel or unexpected issues during sex — especially the first time you do something — is that you’re turned on as hell by the act(s) and the person you’re doing them with. It sounds to me that, on top of nerves, alcohol and sensory issues, you weren’t actually attracted to the person you were hooking up with. The way you hedge your description makes me think you’re being a little generous; it sounds a lot like you really weren’t attracted to her and going along with it because, well, it meant you had a chance to hook up. If you were already having questions as to whether you actually wanted to go through with this with her specifically… well, that’s going to make it that much harder to push past other issues or be able to laugh off the slings and arrows that flesh is heir to during sex.

All of which leads me to “So… what do I do next time?”

First of all: you don’t need to tell people “hey, just FYI, sex makes me puke,” nor do you need to say “Yeah, I only kinda did this once and also I vomited all over the vagoo”. It’s understandable that you’re worried about it — you had a profoundly embarrassing and somewhat traumatic experience — but you don’t have reason to believe that this was anything other than a perfect storm of bad luck. Leading with “hey, I puke during sex” not only is going to chase away everyone except fans of Roman showers but also sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll be so wound up and worried that you’ll give yourself a nervous stomach.

Instead, it’s better to simply acknowledge two things: this is your first time and you’re nervous. Neither of these are things to be ashamed of; in fact, many women will find it charming. The fact that you can be candid about being a bundle of nerves is more likely to make you seem adorable, and any partner worth sleeping with will want to help ease you into things. If she knows that you’re so keyed up that you’re about to vibrate straight into the Speed Force, she’ll know to take things easy with you.

Which actually brings us to the second tip: Slow your roll. Part of what will help you avoid the mistakes of your previous experience is to go at a pace you’re comfortable with. Trying to round the bases (as it were) all at once and fit all of the sexual experiences you haven’t had into one encounter is a recipe for a less-than-satisfying first time. Trying to do everything at once means you don’t have the opportunity to give any of it the attention it deserves. The first time you go down on someone — or have someone go down on you — for example, doesn’t need to be the same time you have penetrative sex for the first time. Instead, by taking things slowly and in stages, you’re in a better position to get to know yourself and your partner. You’re better able to appreciate all the sensations and give attention to both performing and receiving.

Not to mention, if you’re taking things slow, you have more of an opportunity to press pause on the proceedings if you are having a bit of a rumbly in the tumbly. When you don’t feel like “the deed must be done NOW, it must be done TONIGHT or else NEVER AGAIN”, then it’s easy to say “hey, I need a minute,” and getting a glass of water or taking a second to breathe without feeling like your window of opportunity is closing forever.

Plus, by not treating any one encounter as a make-or-break moment, you’re removing the pressure to perform. Instead of having to do everything right, you’re able to just be in the moment. You and your partner can take your time and just enjoy rolling around with someone you’re into, without the pressure of having to make it this epic, historic thing.

Which, incidentally, leads me to tip number three: don’t “settle”.

While I’m not a believer that somebody’s first time has to be “special” or “mean something”, I do believe that if you’re going to lose your virginity, it should be with someone you want to sleep with. By putting the emphasis on the act instead of the person, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. This doesn’t mean that it needs to be someone you love or someone important to you, but just someone you actually, actively want to bang. F

king someone just to lose your virginity and they’re the least objectionable option isn’t going to be a tragedy of epic proportions… but it ain’t gonna be that good either. If you’re gonna do it, it should be with someone worth doing.

And like I said: when you’re into somebody and they’re into you, it’s much easier to get past all the minor things. The desire to be with them, specifically, makes up for a lot of inconveniences. Not only are you going to be more focused on them, but you’ll be motivated to push past the little wibbles and wobbles because hey, it’s THEM and you’re not going to let yourself be distracted.

It absolutely sucks that you had this awful first experience. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to nausea every time the pants come off. Take things slow, be in the moment and be with someone you want to be with. You’ll be ok. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is the author to the “Momma Drama” letter from a couple of years ago, and I want to start by thanking you for your response to my first post. But, here we are, two years down the line, and I have another question about the same woman: namely, should I get back in touch with my ex, S?

A few weeks after I sent my last letter, S broke up with me because she realized she wasn’t ready for a new relationship – I told her that I understood and we broke up on good terms. Soon afterwards, however, things started going downhill. S would regularly come into the bar while I was working, pull me aside, make out with me, and ask me to text her about getting drinks. We continued to text regularly, but every time I inquired about meeting up, she would ghost me. This continued for months, and eventually I tried to confront her about the making out, the ghosting, and clarifying what she wanted our relationship to be because she was sending such mixed messages. She ignored my concerns, and never gave me the opportunity to have an honest discussion.

I tried not contacting her for stretches, but eventually, she would come into the bar, stick her tongue down my throat, and ask to grab drinks again. A few months after we’d broken up, she even introduced me to her son while I was working, and between this and the persistent kissing, I hoped this meant she wanted to start dating again. Still, she never responded to my requests. The fact that she would regularly socialize where I worked without making time for us to meet up really hurt – I understood that between her job and her son, she was very busy, but she was a regular fixture at the bar even when I wasn’t working and clearly could’ve made time for me if she would’ve liked. Needless to say, I was still crazy about her and the whole situation was very confusing for me, but my attempts at clarification were consistently ignored – I didn’t know what to do.

Eventually, I got a new job, so the next time S came in, we made out, and I told her that I wouldn’t be working full-time at the bar anymore. I asked if we could talk about dating again, when she was ready – she said okay, and I told her that I’ll reach out. When I did, she never responded, and that was the last time I saw her for months. I started my new job, and we would intermittently text, usually with her reaching out to me. I heard she was still coming into the bar, but I was working there only one day a week, so I didn’t see her, and I gave up on trying to meet up. After a while, I started dating someone else, D, and S stopped texting altogether, so I thought this period of my life was over.

Then, later that year, I was at another bar, and S came in with a guy. I ignored her, but on their way out, she grabbed me and told me they were on the way to the bar where I worked. I’d had a few drinks, and was upset with how she had treated me, so I followed them to the bar. I pulled S aside and told her how much she had hurt me and that I didn’t want her coming into the bar again. She said that she was willing to get beers to talk about it, and went back to her friend. The next day, I reached out to apologize to being so angry and confronting her as I did, but said I really was hurt by her behavior and would like the opportunity to talk things over. I never heard back.

S started intermittently coming into the bar while I was working, and I felt trapped. I had blocked her on social media and stopped texting her, but when she came into where I worked, there was nothing I could do. I asked her to talk in private to reiterate that I didn’t want her there when I was working – her response was always “are you mad at me?” I just wanted her to leave me alone and she would not, so I grew increasingly frustrated.

A few months later, D and I broke up amicably, and S came into the bar again. I went to confront her, but she hugged me, and all the old attractions came rushing back. We caught up and were friendly, so I reached out later to grab a drink. We scheduled drinks, but she flaked and again started ghosting me. A while later, I texted her saying that if she didn’t want to meet up, she could’ve at least been upfront about that. She replied saying she thought we were cool, and I responded that no, we weren’t cool, because she had ignored all of my requests to meet up and to stay out of the bar. She said that if I need to say something, we could get coffee.

I was very nervous for coffee, both because I was embarrassed for my texting tirade and because I was hoping that coffee might lead to something more. I explained to S that I was upset about her leading me on, ghosting me, and ignoring my requests to stay out of the bar. She made a half-hearted apology, before asking if it was okay for her to come to the bar again. I tried to show her that I wasn’t comfortable with it, but when she pushed, I said it was fine, because I was trying to move past the situation. After that, we caught up, hugged, and she agreed that she would like to get drinks.

My next shift, she came into the bar with some friends, but we didn’t interact. The next day, I texted her to get drinks, and got no response. A few days later, I tried again. Again, no response. This upset me because I had made it clear that I didn’t want her in the bar if she was going to ghost me, so before my next shift, I told her to never talk to me or come into the bar while I was working again. She responded quickly, asking why I was doing this. I did not respond for a week and a half, when I apologized for the drama, confessed that I still really liked her, and said that I was really hurt that she was ghosting me again. These were long-winded texts, and I never got a response, but she did stop coming into the bar and I haven’t heard from her since, which was eight or nine months ago. Not seeing her has really helped me heal from this relationship, and while I’m embarrassed that I had to scare her away with crazy, I’m grateful that she has finally given me the space I needed to let go.

At this point, I am thinking about reaching out to S and apologizing. I’ve had significant developments in my life that have put me in a much better mental space, so I believe that there is little risk of me being hurt by her again. First, I am no longer working at the bar. It closed for quarantine and I do not plan on returning when it reopens. Additionally, I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the past couple of years and I know that I made a lot of mistakes dealing with S. Finally, I found out that a medication I have been taking for years has side effects of anxiety and depression. I have stopped taking this medication, and the results have been extraordinary – I feel so much more positive and mentally healthy. Overall, I am in a much better place and am ready to move past this chapter in my life.

For these reasons, I am ready to apologize to S for my idiotic behavior and clear things up. Obviously, she was not ready to date anyone while we were together, and I should have let my pain go instead of holding onto it. I also should’ve maintained stronger boundaries after we broke up and clarified that making out was off the table if we weren’t going to have an honest discussion about where we were emotionally. Additionally, I would like to clarify, this is not to get her back – last I heard, she has a boyfriend. Finally, I do not expect her to apologize. She has already apologized and me reaching out is about me making amends. Simply put, I want to make sure things are okay between us and to wish her well during this difficult time.

So, Doctor, do you think it is a good idea to reach out to S and, if so, how do you recommend going about it?

Thanks,

Momma Drama 2: More Drama

DEAR MOMMA DRAMA 2: Hoo boy.

OK, MD2, I don’t think you fully listened to me last time where I told you that this wasn’t going to be a great idea and you were signing up for things that I don’t think you were ready for. And to be perfectly frank: I still don’t think you’re getting things. So I think it’s going to be time for the Chair Leg of Truth.

Stay the hell away from S. She is no good for you and there is literally no reason for you to be in touch with her at ALL. You have learned absolutely nothing from any of this.

Let’s go to the tape, shall we?

Way back when you first started dating, she was hiding the fact that she had broken her engagement from her family for months, including the time when she was dating you. She was cool with sleeping with you and saying she was your girlfriend except when her friends and coworkers were around. At the time, she explained this as being due to complicated factors involving the father of her child, her family and not wanting her friends to know how quickly she moved on. Even at the time, I told you I was raising a highly skeptical eyebrow about this. Now I’m willing to straight-up tell you that this was a giant warning sign and, frankly, her continuing behavior has confirmed this.

You may have noticed a pattern here: she shows up randomly at your job, makes out with you, makes promises to see you, then ignores your texts whenever you bring up the topic of a date. This has happened multiple times. Once is happenstance; she had a couple drinks, horniness and nostalgia got the better of her, now she’s trying to avoid making more of a thing about it. Twice is coincidence — maybe she felt bad about the first time and repeated the same mistake because hey, she’s clearly attracted to you and booze convinces us that bad decisions are great ideas. Three times is enemy action — especially considering that not only did she continually ignore your attempts at clarifying what was going on, but she would also ignore your attempts at establishing boundaries.

I mean, she followed you to your next job to… what, exactly, not date you even more pointedly? Show off her boyfriend so you knew that her coming in to make out with you was just a lark? F

ked if I know what the hell she was thinking. But I do know this: these are not the behaviors of someone who’s worth dating. Like… at all.

Now I don’t think following her to the other bar just to tell her how pissed off you are was necessarily the best move but frankly, laying down the law and saying “put up or shut up” is something you should’ve done a while ago. I cannot express strongly enough how much you should have told her to f

k off with this hot-and-cold bulls

t, then after she’s f

ked off, she should make a point to f

k off even further because what she’s doing was not fair to you. Telling her “knock this off and stay the hell away from me” was the right thing to do.

And then you immediately turned around and undermined yourself the very next day by calling her to apologize for being angry. You had every goddamn right to be pissed at her for the s

tty way she’s been treating you — starting with when you were f

king dating — and telling her “hey, sorry I got mad” undid all of progress you made. When you establish a boundary and then immediately apologize for establishing said boundary, you’re telling them that this isn’t actually a thing that you’re going to stand firm on. You’re telling them that you’re going to make a lot of noise and then go right back to allowing her to treat you the same s

tty way she has been. Now what you’ve done is taught her that you aren’t actually serious about your protests and she’s free to keep walking all over you like laid down on her porch with the words “WELCOME” written in Sharpie on your back.

What did this performance of boundary-setting get you? Jack and s

t. And Jack left town. She ignored you entirely because why should she respond? Your protests ultimately meant nothing and you taught her that you didn’t mean it.

I hate to say it that bluntly but oh, hey, look, she started coming to your bar again, even after you told her not to. She’d give you the sad eyes and ask “are you mad at me” and then blithely continue on as she always did, treating you with about as much respect as gum on her shoe.

The appropriate answer here, by the way, was “YES. YES I’M GODDAMN ANGRY AT YOU.”  As would be telling your manager and the bouncer “hey, I really don’t want her here when I’m working.”

Your every interaction with her post-breakup has been Wile E. Coyote chasing the f

king Road Runner, MD2. You think you’re gonna get somewhere, you make plans and get dropped off a cliff, run over by cars or blown up by your own dynamite. Because Wile E. Coyote is never going to get the Road Runner and you were and will never actually have those drinks — coffee or otherwise — where either you two get back together or you clear the air and she realizes what a s

t she’s been. She ghosts or ignores you EVERY. SINGLE. GODDAMN. TIME. YOU. TRY. TO. MAKE. PLANS. AND. YOU. KEEP. TRYING. Every single time you try to establish some boundaries, she ignores them because you immediately undercut yourself over and over again. That point where you said “no, we’re NOT cool” should have been the end of the subject, not the invitation to yet another date that she has and had absolutely no f

king intention of keeping. You keep apologizing for “drama”, but telling someone who treats you like s

t that they’re treating you like s

t is not drama, it is doing what you should have done months ago.

The fact that apparently all those texts you sent are what finally made her stay the hell away is a gift from the gods. Maybe you “scared her away with all the crazy” but y’know what? If it took projectile feelings-vomiting like the director’s cut of Stand By Me to make her go the hell away, then get on your goddamn knees and thank God, Jesus, Buddha or Satan and all his minions that you had more pressure than a fire hose when you spewed because that seems to have done the trick.

All that? Literally everything I just wrote? All of that is why the fact that you’re talking about trying to get in contact with her again is making me reach for Doctor Whiskey and Nurse Tequila. I’m not entirely sure how in pluperfect hell you can have written all of that out, laying out the sheer number of times she has ignored you, ghosted you and treated you like garbage and think “hey, maybe I was the bad guy in all of this.” What — and I can’t emphasize this enough — the f

k?

No, chief, you should not reach out to her to apologize, explain or invite her to buy Girl Scout cookies from your niece. You should be blocking her on every possible way you can be contacted, up to and including the Friendster account you forgot you created back in ’02.  You should be scouring her presence off every single device you own, so that you can’t get back in touch with her. There is absolutely no good reason to contact her for any reason that doesn’t involve telling her that she might have been exposed to Zombie Rot the last time you saw her and even then I’d think twice about it.

The problem here isn’t that you need to explain yourself, the problem here is that you don’t get how much s

t she has made you eat since you broke up. You don’t need to be making amends, you need to be looking at all of your behavior here and saying “Wow, I will never let someone treat me like this ever again.” Your getting in contact with her again will only send you on the 12″ dance remix of everything you have gone through already: it’ll be the exact same song, just faster, more intense and a heavier beat.

This woman is bad for you and you need to recognize that. Getting back in contact again is only going to undermine any progress you’ve made, undercut any attempt at setting boundaries again and just leave you worse off than you were before. The thing to do here is wash your hands of the entire situation, recognize that you got done dirty and learn from it for next time.

It’s time for you to put her firmly behind you where she belongs and move forward to a future where you respect yourself enough to keep and maintain boundaries and — critically  — not let people treat you this way again. The next time someone keeps dangling hope in front of you, only to yank it away when you reach for it and then dangle it again? Drop her like fifth period French and move the hell on to someone who actually respects your time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com