DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am super unsure as to what I really, truly, want in my relationship. I have been dating my current girlfriend for 10 months, and I’ve been very happy for the most part.

I feel as though I should provide some context for the rest of my message, though. Increasingly, a past interest who I’ll name ‘M’ has been on my mind. As much as I do not like this, I have flirted with her regularly for the past several weeks. My current girlfriend (for convenience ‘J’) has been nothing but wonderful and supportive of me. I’m super happy with ‘J’ but I have been feeling unfulfilled despite how much I care for her.

‘J’ helped me to become comfortable with my sexuality while dating the opposite gender (I’m a bi guy), and I know that she is still incredibly into me. I, however, am not sure I feel the same. Honestly, I’m just confused as to whether or not I am responding to attention, or to an actual, true feeling of mine. I’d appreciate any advice you have on confusion during relationships!

Sincerely,

What Do I Want?

DEAR WHAT DO I WANT: The first thing I feel that I have to point out is that being into other people doesn’t mean that you’re not into your partner, WDIW. If you’ve read me for long enough, then you already can sing along with the chorus: monogamy isn’t our default state. The fact that you’re attracted to people — including your ex — doesn’t automatically mean that something is wrong with your relationship. It just means that you’re a human with a sex-drive. A monogamous commitment just means that you promise not to date or sleep with other people; it doesn’t mean that you won’t want to.

Now that being said: I think you aren’t doing yourself any favors by flirting with your ex. While your attraction to her doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship to J, it can create problems where they may not necessarily exist already. The thrill of the new or different can clash with the comfort of the relationship you already have and make any discontentment seem larger and more meaningful by comparison. But those problems are just as likely to exist with other partners; you just haven’t been with them for long enough to encounter them. Or, in the case of exes and past crushes, you’ve been away for so long that nostalgia has filed away all the rough patches. It’s easy to feel like maybe this relationship isn’t right for you when this other one feels so much more exciting and perfect than the one you’ve been in for longer.

By that same token, however, this doesn’t mean that maybe your current relationship is right for you any more. You and your partner never stop growing as people. Hopefully you both grow and change together… but sometimes you grow apart too. That doesn’t mean that anyone has done anything wrong; it just means that you and your partner are going in different directions and this relationship doesn’t fit who you are now. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be a short story, and that’s fine. Hell, some are just meant to be a dirty limerick.

How do you tell dissatisfaction brought on by a new infatuation vs. an actual problem within your relationship? Well, some of this only comes with time and experience; the more relationship experience you have under your belt, the better you’re able to sort out infatuation and limerence from a deeper and more meaningful attraction. Similarly, the more you’ve dealt with the slings and arrows that come with dating another person — and the more you’re aware of your own needs in a relationship — the more you can tell when there’s an actual problem or whether you’re being distracted by the shiny new toy.

The first thing I would suggest is to knock off the flirting with M. I get that her interest and attention can be intoxicating, but for now you’re inviting trouble that you don’t need. If your dissatisfaction with J starts to fade within a couple of weeks of cutting things with M, then you’ve got your answer: you were getting off on the fact that someone else finds you hot. That doesn’t make you a bad person; that just makes you human, like the rest of us. However, if you find that you’re still bothered by your relationship with J, even without a potential new partner lurking in the background… well, then you know that your feeling unfulfilled was actually the check-engine light of your relationship, rather than something brought on by the allure of getting some strange.

Regardless, I think it would be a good idea that you do some hard thinking and interrogating your feelings about J. “Unfulfilled” covers a lot of territory. What, precisely, are you feeling like you’re missing? Is it simply the case that you’re not as attracted to her as you were in the beginning? Is it that things aren’t as exciting as they were in the early months? Are you finding that you have needs that aren’t being met, or is it just that this relationship hasn’t been as easy or effortless as it was at the start? The more you can dial in on the precise shape and texture of this unfulfilled feeling, the more you can tell whether it’s something to discuss with J or not. After all, the fact that you’re not necessarily feeling fulfilled doesn’t mean that this is a permanent situation. This could well be something that could be resolved with some conversations — awkward or otherwise.

Being into someone else doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. Being a little dissatisfied doesn’t mean that the relationship is flawed beyond repair. It’s an indication that you should pay attention. A little more mindfulness right now can mean the difference between a relationship that can be fixed, or one that’s reached its natural end.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thanks for the great work you do! Without you, nerds would probably be a dying breed.

I’m a 37 year old cis man, who recently turned his life around. I have a mild form of autism and have never been very outgoing or socially savvy. After briefly living on my own during college, I moved back in with my parents. I was bullied at school when I was young, and I think this left deep scars, I have always had feelings inferiority somehow.

I led a mostly solitary life with few friends (with my circle of friends dwindling as the years went by) and no hobbies to speak of besides tinkering on my computer and the usual things like watching movies and series. I’d never even so much as kissed a girl. Expressing my interest in a girl was something I thought was scary as hell. In retrospect, there had been a few opportunities but I was either too scared to act on them, or too oblivious to even RECOGNISE them. All in all, I was a lonely virgin loser. All the while I was employed and saved quite a bit of money. I wasn’t overweight, had decent personal hygiene and dressed fairly well. I’m also highly intelligent. This made no sense to me at all and I felt rather raw about it. In retrospect it’s obvious: if you keep to yourself, you won’t find a partner. As I grew older, I often despaired that I would die alone and unloved, and I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I think I might have been depressed without realising it… 

Then one day, I got a colleague who acted friendly towards me. This made me realise that I could actually MAYBE get a girlfriend. I decided I wanted to attract her, but I was completely out of my depth and totally blew it due to my fear, neediness and overall lack of experience. I couldn’t even get her on a date.

It took a year to get over her, or rather the sting of not being able to attract her. However, this colleague was the kick in the ass that I needed to improve my life. I bought a house of my own, started working out, took up meditation and martial arts, and read a lot about “game” and body language. I stopped watching porn cold turkey. Occasionally I’ve attended Meetup groups. I started seeing a psychologist to help me work on understanding how attraction and social relations work, and try to improve my life overall. People noticed and said they don’t recognise me anymore (in a good way).

I’ve stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried cold approach through day game a few times. Overall, I found it pretty grueling. Nine times out of ten, the reactions are positive but I’ve noticed that most of the women I seem to like are already taken. The few numbers of single women I got never got back to me. It seems like a lot of effort for very little gain. But the idea does appeal to me, the fantasy of becoming a player and beating the odds. But deep down I really just want to find one woman who likes me for me and lead a quiet life. I went on a handful of blind dates through a local agency which organizes these, none of which went anywhere, and also one through a friend. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything at all for most of these women.

But I’m super proud that I finally had sex for the first time last year, which I had not expected ever to happen anymore! This was with a woman from my martial arts class. She was married, and it only lasted a few months. To be honest I did not find her beautiful at all, but she was very much into me. She was truly amazed and honored that I would consider loving her, and she always initiated sex a few minutes after meeting up with me, which I found incredibly hot. I think she saw me as the hottest guy she’s ever known. This has restored some of my fragile self esteem.

But then COVID-19 hit, and I feel like I am back to where I was two years ago, with almost no social contact because everything has shut down. I can’t go to martial arts class or meetups anymore and I feel myself falling back on old patterns and thoughts. It looks like the lockdown will last at least until September in my country, by which time I’ll probably have lost all my gains so far if I can’t practice my social skills and do things that bring me joy. I can literally feel myself backsliding.

I thought about trying day game again, but I decided against it because of social distancing (but it might also be an excuse I tell myself to chicken out). How could one attract a woman now without even being able to offer a basic hand shake? Also, dating is hard with all the social gatherings being closed off. Walking in the park is something you can only do so often before it gets old, and inviting a woman over to come cook with you might be too eager if you do it too soon. I find remote conversations impersonal and you can’t have any physical intimacy this way either (and my soul aches for more sexual experiences).

So, to sum up: how can I regain my momentum and avoid sliding back into a depression? I’m again starting to believe that there’s no hope and I loathe the idea of going back after this hard-won victory.

All the best,

Stuck in Neutral

DEAR STUCK IN NEUTRAL: To start with SIN, congratulations on the progress you’ve been making. You’ve come a long way and you should be proud of everything you’ve achieved.

Now with that having been said: I worry that you may have taken some of the wrong lessons from your experiences thus far. One of the mistakes a lot of folks make — especially folks who are just starting to get some social success — is that you’re starting to be results oriented. Case in point: the way hooking up with the woman from your martial arts class makes you feel like a million bucks… but without further results, you’re starting to feel like you’re worthless again.

The thing is: you can’t rely on other people for your validation. One of the hardest lessons to learn when it comes to getting better with women — or just improving socially at all — is that your value comes from within. It doesn’t come from the people who think you’re hot, it doesn’t come from the people you’re hooking up with, nor does it come from your job, your car or other external sources. It has to come from recognizing and believing in your own worth. Otherwise you end up giving up your locus of control and letting other people dictate how you feel. After all: even the most skilled seducers don’t go 5 for 5; there will always be people who aren’t going to dig you no matter what. And the thing is: those reasons often have nothing to do with you. Letting those moments wreck your flow will set you back far further than the COVID-19 pandemic. Your successes and your progress are still there, even when you’re having to self-isolate. You’re not losing points just because you can’t go out (and there’s nowhere to go, even if you did). Your achievements are still there. Your value is still there. You’re just having to press pause on certain aspects of your life, same as the rest of us.

But the fact that we all have to stay home and continue flattening the curve doesn’t mean that you can’t be social or work on meeting new and awesome people. Despite the fact that we’re all in isolation, people are still meeting, dating, falling in love and, yes, having sex.  The key is that you’re going to have to accept the current limitations and think outside the box.

The most obvious thing you can do is start hitting the dating apps. The desire to meet and connect is still strong, even in the most trying times… in fact, in many cases, it’s even stronger. Eros and Thanatos go hand in hand after all; many people react to stress and the fear of sickness and death by wanting to reaffirm life in the most obvious and immediate way possible. And in its way, this works to your advantage. Since we can’t go out and hook up, we have to date with intention. We have to put the effort in and rely on our social skills, our wit, charm and charisma to connect with folks. We’re in an era where courtship reigns because hey, we can’t just hit up the bars and hope to run into someone with an itch that needs to be scratched.

This means you have many, many opportunities to keep developing your skills, even as you try to make connections that will last well past the quarantine and into the new, post-COVID world.

You can keep your social skills sharp in other ways as well. Since we can’t gather in person, now’s the time to get your friends together for some virtual social gatherings. Organizing and scheduling regular get-togethers means that you don’t have to let your social skills get rusty. You can also join virtual MeetUps; more and more groups are having Zoom events and finding ways to make things work in video conference software instead of in person. Arranging and orchestrating these events have positive effects on your social life over all. To start with, it helps you keep and maintain those social networks you’ve spent so much time building up. But just as importantly: they give you things to invite potential partners to take part in, which lets you show off just a little as the guy who makes the cool s

t happen. And once you get used to making these events happen online, it doesn’t take much to make them happen in the physical world too. In fact, being the organizer who gets your friends together for a barbecue, a NERF war in the park, even just out doing cool things once we’re all allowed out and about again will help make you a more interesting and desirable potential partner to the folks you’ve been flirting with on Tinder and Hinge.

But — and I hate to say it — it’s going to have to be over the Internet for a while. Unfortunately, the risks to you and others are just too high to try going out to meet new people. Without widespread, regular testing, it’s impossible to know who’s been exposed, who’s a carrier and who’s infected but asymptomatic. And without a vaccine… well, even if you catch a minor case, other people are still at risk. For now, hooking up or sleeping with folks we’re not currently quarantined with is just too risky. Sorry. It sucks, I know, but it’s the sacrifice we’re all having to make.

However, the fact your interactions aren’t in person doesn’t make them any less valid or useful. Talking to people via Skype is still talking to people. Flirting over FaceTime is still flirting. Telling jokes in your Zoom meeting stretches the same social muscles. And don’t underestimate the potential hotness that can come from a horny Skype session with a new partner or the thrill of sexting with someone you’re getting close to. Some dirty talk, some racy photos back and forth over Snapchat, even some cam sessions together on Skype (maybe with the help of some toys from Tenga or Fleshlight) can be incredibly satisfying… and keep both of you ready for the moment the quarantine is over.

It’s not what you’d prefer, no. I get that. But part of life is rolling with the punches and adapting to what it throws at us. This is just another challenge in your journey. It’s up to you to decide whether this is going to be the thing that throws you back or if you’re ready to level up to meet it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 10 months into a relationship with an absolutely wonderful guy. We are compatible on nearly every level, the chemistry between us is amazing, he loves my kids from a previous marriage, and we’ve been discussing the possibility of getting married.

The problem is that he’s polyamorous and I’m not. He was already in a relationship with another woman when we started dating, and their relationship has continued. He sees her roughly every other weekend, although he would like to spend more time with her. He’s also open to other relationships developing in the future. He has been open and honest about this from the beginning.

I have no desire to be poly myself. This man checks nearly every box on my “want from a relationship” list. But after going through two divorces because of my partners’ infidelity, dating a poly man *hurts*. Every time he’s gone for the weekend, I go through fits of anxiety based on my fears of being left for another woman yet again. I generally either lash out at him (we’ve had some epic fights over text messages) or I completely emotionally shut down until he gets back. I’ve told him how this affects me, and while he understands this is hard for me, he says he shouldn’t have to change who he is or how he loves because of my insecurities.

Help me, Doc. I don’t know how to love a poly man without my fears tearing me apart. What can I do to make this relationship work?

Bringing On The Heartbreak

DEAR BRINGING ON THE HEARTBREAK: I hate to say this BotH but there aren’t going to be any easy answers here.

One truism about dating that everyone needs to keep in mind is that there’s no such thing as “settling down” without “settling for”. In every relationship, no matter how wonderful, we have to pay the price of entry. Sometimes that price is relatively low. Sometimes that price can be high. And in your case… that’s going to be a pretty high cost.

The fact of the matter is, polyamory isn’t for everyone. It’s like dating on steroids, because the amount of stress and complications goes up exponentially. You need to have very clear and open lines of communication and be able to sort out complex issues around different kinds of relationships, emotional connections and the rules that govern them. This gets even more complicated by the fact that there are many, many different kinds of polyamorous relationships – some people have primary and secondary partners, some have everyone on equal standing. Some have one person who is involved with different partners but those partners aren’t involved with each other, while others are one big lovefest.

But here’s the thing: you need to be a particular kind of person to make poly work… and to be quite honest, it doesn’t sound like you’re that kind of person. This isn’t a judgement on you, nor is it a comment on your love for your boyfriend. Your anxieties are real and understandable and the way you feel is legitimate… but it’s also not necessarily fair. You love your boyfriend, and you knew going in that he was poly. It’s unfair of you to lash out at him for doing something that – by entering into this relationship – you agreed was going to be part of the relationship. By attacking him or freezing him out, you’re punishing him for something that you said that you would be ok with.  

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you entered into this in bad faith. I’m sure you went in to this confident that you’d be able to handle it. The problem is that clearly, you haven’t been able to, and that’s hurting you both. And unless you can get past that, this is just going to keep causing more hurt and leaving you both miserable.

The cold hard truth is, if you can’t handle a poly relationship – and not everyone can – then this isn’t going to work. I’ve personally seen people who tried to be cool with being poly because it was the only way they could be in a relationship with the person they loved… and it caused everybody no end of grief before it was over. And not to sound insensitive, but you need to be the one to handle your anxieties. Your boyfriend is right: this is part of who he is, it’s something you knew going in, and telling him to change because you can’t handle it isn’t fair to him. Just as constantly subjecting yourself to misery isn’t fair to you.

If you want to try to make a go of this, then the first thing you need to do is get yourself into therapy to deal with your anxieties. Simply throwing yourself into the mix and hoping that you’ll go numb eventually is a bad idea. Having someone who can help you process your feelings and guide you through them will be invaluable, whether you continue seeing your boyfriend or not. The second thing you need to do is start doing your due diligence. If you haven’t already, you should read Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. You may also want to check out The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Eston and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell (full disclosure: Dr. Powell is a personal friend of mine and has been a guest expert in my column before). These can help you navigate issues of jealousy, communication and relationship maintenance.

However, I do want you to realize that if you can’t handle it, then you can’t handle it and there’s no shame in that. If his being with someone else is like dragging your heart through beds of broken glass, then all you’re doing is hurting yourself for no good reason. I know you love him. Whether or not you can handle a poly relationship doesn’t say anything about the depth or the validity for your feelings, nor does it say anything about how strong you are. But love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship work. You can love another person with your whole heart and soul, but that won’t get you past a fundamental incompatibility like this.

If that’s the case, if the price of entry into this relationship is more than you can pay, then the best and kindest thing you can do for the both of you is to end things. It will hurt. You’ll feel like your soul has been ripped out. But I promise you: you will heal. You will recover. And you’ll be free to find someone amazing that you are compatible with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently moved back to my home state and feeling nostalgic reached out to old friends. I discovered, to my delight, an old friend of mine that I have known since elementary and was friends with in high-school had moved to the same city as me. She’s a very pretty nerd and was basically the only girl my little nerdy group contained. She promptly invited me to go and see a movie with some friends. The actual day rolled around and magically it was just her and I. So we continued in this vein with her inviting me out with “friends” for a while steadily saw more and more of each other until she dropped the pretext and just invited me. Life being too short I asked her out somewhere along the way in this process. She said she really didn’t want a relationship right now because she had just finalized an extremely nasty multi-year long divorce. I was fine with that so I continued with my own explorations in dating. She started dating, shortly after I did and we mostly compared notes on who we’d actually like to find and weren’t. She’d helped me with my profiles and date ideas. I had dated a couple girls and talked to several through dating sites but nothing was clicking, no chemistry anywhere. Part of my frustration since I have fantastic chemistry with my friend and wanted to find someone I could share a similar friendship with.

I had walled off that part of me attracted to her, I could intellectually realize she was attractive, but I’d friend zoned her in my head. Prior to the COVID lockdown, we were going to go out to dinner to a local restaurant we both love even if it is a capitol crime against your body. She unexpectedly asked to meet me at my place, which is strange on reflection because I’m actually on the other side of town from the restaurant. When she arrived she started teasing me like normal, then she abruptly asked if I’d found anyone I was seriously considering dating I hadn’t. At which point she kissed me, one thing lead to another and we missed our dinner reservations.

This destroyed my carefully laid mental walls. Now I am very aware she is the embodiment of what I’m looking for, physically and mentally. So now my conundrum. She’s eating up mental and emotional resources. I’ve really lost interest in continuing to look for anyone else.

My confusion is only fueled by our interactions now that I’m aware again. I was talking over the situation with a friend and his comment was simple, “In what way are you not dating?” I really didn’t have a good answer.

So I’m not sure how to proceed. If I should rock the boat and see if she wants a relationship or continue as we are and see if something happens naturally. I just fear I’m going to get burned badly standing idle and at this point I’m worried I might not be able to pull back enough without severing the friendship which I don’t want to do.

To Be Or Not To Be

DEAR TO BE OR NOT TO BE: First of all, my lawyers have advised me to tell you that letters submitted to Ask Dr. NerdLove are considered to be under copyright to me for the purposes of the romantic comedy script that this will eventually become.

Now, let me see if I’ve got this straight: you’re old friends. She’s been inviting you out on Schrodinger’s Dates since you got back together. She’s not been seeing anyone serious since you’ve been in town, she’s been all up in your business about your love life and then she straight up dragged you to into bed because you didn’t seem to be getting the hint.

So help me out, because I’m not really seeing the problem here. She’s been throwing out just about every kind of signal and sign that she wants to date you short of flares and semaphore flags and the thing that’s holding you back is one conversation you had months ago when circumstances were RATHER NOTICEABLY different.

For f

k’s sake dude, take “yes” for an answer already. Have the defining the relationship talk and make this s

t official.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com