DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: For the longest time I really didn’t care about love. I’m all sorts of neuroatypical, and it took me a long time to sort out my orientation and gender identity, so all through my teens and early 20s, I was already grateful to have a few friends. Dating was way too complicated given how hard it was for me to even get out of my room. But little by little I became better at all things social, and while I’m still much of a weirdo, I’m no longer a loner. So I started thinking about love.

About five years ago, when I was 21, I met my first love. She was an amazing young woman, and we became close friends. She was also very religious, and going through one s

tty boyfriend after another. Those guys would use her commitment, cheat on her, then flung her aside. She was in a really bad place. It brought us even closer since I’m a good listener, I convinced her to give therapy a try and she managed to get better – this was her doing, I was just happy to support her. Eventually I confessed, and she told me very gently that she didn’t reciprocate – she was totally straight. We remained friends of course. A few years ago she finally met someone worthwhile and she’s happy with him. I’m friends with both of them, and she still comes to me when she needs someone to listen to her.

Last year I met another amazing woman. This one was bi – making progress. But she was dating someone and seemed quite happy with him. I would have taken that as a non-starter, except this woman behaved very ambiguously with me, playfully flirting, caressing me, etc. I’m aware I’m bad at reading signals, so I showed our convos to several people who all told me this was 100% flirting. I would have been cool with her being poly or in an open relationship, but the ambiguity of it all was really hurting me; I was falling in love more every day while not knowing if there was a chance. So I decided to ask her point blank if her behaviour meant anything or if this was just her way of being friends – and as I’d suspected, it was the latter. Finally knowing there was no chance of us getting together was preferable to the uncertainty, even though I was disappointed of course. But she seems to be very much in love with her boyfriend, and while I’ve never met him he seems like a good guy. I’m of the opinion that feelings are fluid, and if you think of someone romantically then you can also be their friend. So even though I still get a pang of sadness when I see her, I’m really happy to just be friends with her, and I’m sure my feelings will dull eventually.

But as you see, I seem to have a knack for becoming friends with amazing people… who don’t want to be more than friends with me. That’s logical: when you’re this amazing, people take notice, and so by the time they meet me there’s a good chance they’ve already found the one. I hope I never stop becoming friends with amazing people… But I’d really like, at some point, to find one who actually wants to date me as well. How do I find someone like that ? How do I get to be the one, for once ?

Thank you for your help,

Sincerely,

Unsure and bittersweet

DEAR UNSURE AND BITTERSWEET: There are two things you need to do, UAB. The first is seemingly obvious, but I’m not entirely sure you’ve taken the step yet: you have to put yourself out there. It’s not enough to just decide “hey, I’m ready to fall in love!” and wait for the universe to provide. You have to make sure that folks know that you’re young, single and ready to mingle. Businesses have to advertise, writers and artists have to market themselves and single folks need to make it clear that they’re out, available and actively looking.

That means doing things like getting on the dating apps, especially right now, as we’re in the middle of a pandemic and everyone’s on lockdown. So the first thing you need to do is download the apps (I recommend Hinge, Bumble and OKCupid to start), get some great looking photos, fill out your profile and start swiping. It’ll take a bit of time as you learn how to spot what you’re looking for, but those hot awesome bi or gay singles — or even poly folks — are out there.

But for your next step… have you considered asking your friends if they had some single friends that they could hook you up with?

Here’s the thing: you may have heard the saying “you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with“. This is 100% true. Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat told us (Google it, kids), opposites don’t attract. With friends, as with romantic partners, we tend to attract  — and are attracted to — people who are like us. For your purposes, this means that your awesome friends are much more likely to have friends who are as awesome. Now, whether those awesome friends are a) your type and b) of a compatible sexual orientation is an open question. But just as you need to advertise yourself to other like-minded singles, you need to let your friends know that you’re actively looking and would appreciate if they’d hook a buddy up.

And seeing as we’re all under quarantine at the moment, you’re actually in a position to take the plague lemons that life’s thrown your way and turn them into a quarantini. If your friends do, in fact, have someone who’s awesome, single and leans your direction, setting up a virtual happy-hour (or tea party or whatever suits your fancy) is the perfect way to get to know them in a low-stakes, low-investment way. Rather than the potential awkwardness of your friends throwing you two together in a room and saying “I think you two would click NOW KISS”, you can have a social gathering that lets you meet them in an organic fashion. If you two get along over the course of this virtual hangout, it’ll feel like the most natural thing in the world to say “Hey, I had a great time talking to you; can I add you on Facebook/Snapchat/WhatsApp?”

Once you do that, you’re in a position to get to know each other — and do some low-key flirting — on your own time. And while things didn’t work out with your friends, you’ll be in a position for lightning to strike and love to find a way.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started college, and I’ve come across a problem a lot that you addressed in your article on male privilege. It’s as if as soon as a guy finds out that you read comic books, play Magic, and game you’re some trophy to be won. I happen to be the only single chick of the sort in the entire group, and I’ve gotten really angry within the past couple months because of the mindset. I’d love nothing more to find a guy who can match me in wits and interests, but they’ve become just as big of douches as the guys I avoid.

How do I win their respect? It seems my knowledge and my mind aren’t enough to be taken seriously, my feminine figure is what defines me. Do you have any advice that would help me in this situation?

– Seriously Irritated

DEAR SERIOUSLY IRRITATED: My first question is “Why are you worried about winning the respect of a bunch of douchebags, even if they’re fellow nerds?”  S

t, by all rights, shouldn’t they be earning yours? I mean, yeah I can understand that these are supposedly your peers and all but if they’re acting like the same dicks avoid normally, I’d think you’d start looking elsewhere.

But hey, let’s deal with the situation at hand.

You have a number of options here, but I think ultimately the best thing you could do is refuse to play their game. If they’re treating you like a pair of boobs with an attractive hobby, refuse to engage them on that level. Whenever they’re treating you as “Potential Trophy NerdGirlfriend”, or giving you the “Isn’t it cute, she’s into comics!” attitude, shut them down. When they’re treating you as The Girl rather than as a peer, call them on their s

t. Point out exactly what it is they’re doing and refuse to be deflected, dismissed or derailed. This doesn’t have to be adversarial; your group may just be poorly socialized and not realize that how they’re acting and treating you is offensive.  To mangle a quote: never attribute to a

holery what may be equally attributable to being ignorant.

Regardless: stand up for yourself and establish firmly that the way they’re treating you isn’t acceptable and it’s bothering you. Make them work for your approval and respect, not the other way around. If things don’t improve – if they don’t start reforming their behavior, then you may want to consider finding another group. There’s no point in rewarding them with your presence if they’re determined to act like dicks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 26 years old and am having what you could call a romantic dry spell.

I met my first girlfriend at 21 years old and we dated for about 11 months. After we broke up you could say that I deviated from my authentic personality and in an attempt to appear more manly engaged in some toxic masculine behavior which wasn’t me.

This helped me get a few hookups and some superficial “relationships/flings” which didn’t last more than a few months. I have no interest in getting back with her, but I want to meet someone new so badly. The problem is that since it’s been so long since I’ve had a long-term relationship, the process of getting into one seems so foreign to me now. My main question is how do I go about courting a new girl for a relationship after being out of the game for so long? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely

Confused and Frustrated

DEAR CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED: I get where you’re coming from, CaF. You did the thing a lot of folks do after a break-up, especially one that really hurt: you went on something of a f

kboy bender. You decided to try on a different role and personality for a bit, let yourself be a bit more self-involved and focused on putting up a “f

k you, you can’t hurt me because I don’t care” front. Honestly, that’s more common than you’d realize, especially among the young. There’s a certain push to say “well, you need to act like this” and chase after things that you were told you were supposed to want. And, like a lot of people, you realized that all those “rewards” you were promised were not only what they were made out to be, but they weren’t going to be delivered the way you were told. 

Now you’re back and you’re ready to get back to your authentic self… and now you’re feeling like you’ve been in that other world for so long, you don’t know how to act in this one.

But the fact of the matter is that you get into committed, long term relationships the same way you get into casual ones. You meet people. You flirt. Maybe you start off going on actual dates. Maybe you start off with a fling — even a one night stand. It doesn’t matter, because how you start the relationship is a detail, not destiny. Starting things with an eye towards marriage, 2.5 kids and 1.88 cars is no more of a guarantee of success than going home with someone you met that night is a guarantee of failure. Plenty of life-long marriages started with a one-night fling that just never ended.

The difference between a relationship that stays casual and one that becomes more committed is simply communication. As you and your partner get to know each other, as you grow to trust each other and spend time together, you’ll start having a better idea as to whether this person is right for you.  If you decide that they are, then you and your partner have the Defining The Relationship Talk where you lay out exactly what it is that you want. If you want something exclusive or long term or with an eye towards marriage, then say so. Set aside time and say “Hey, I really like what we have and I want to know if we’re on the same page about where this relationship is going.” Tell her what you would want in an ideal world, where you’d like to see the two of you going and how you want to get there.

Or, at least, that’s how it would be if we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic. Unfortunately, COVID-19 means that dating has changed for now, and we have to adapt with it.

But in its own, f

ked up way, this can be a blessing in disguise for you, CaF. Right now we’re in a point in time and history when casual hook-ups and flings really can’t exist. With the pandemic continuing and everyone having to self-isolate and maintain social distancing, we can’t really have casual or superficial relationships. Most of those can only exist at a time when physical chemistry and really good sex allow you to paper over the various cracks and incompatibilities that end up driving people apart. Relationships that shallow simply aren’t going to have the foundation needed to survive when you only have emotional chemistry to rely on. If you don’t have the shared values, the common interests and compatible goals as well as that good f

kin’, the two of you are going to drift apart like ships in different currents.

We’re in an era of mandatory courtship, where we have to go into new relationships deliberately and with intent. If we’re approaching people on dating apps, we’re doing so with an eye towards the long term because hey, we have no idea how long social distancing will last. So for the immediate future, we’re in a period of having to get to know our potential partners well, to have long and involved conversations about life, the universe and everything and actually pay attention to all the little things that we assume will just sort themselves out. We can’t rely on the easy distractions of flashy dates, last minute “hey, let’s go do this thing” plans or the many ways we focus primarily on physical attraction over emotional connection.

(Not that focusing primarily on physical attraction is inherently a bad thing, mind you, or that a relationship that’s mostly — or entirely — physical is somehow lesser… it’s just counterproductive for your goals, CaF.)

So the first thing I would suggest is that you check out my free workshop on love, sex and dating during quarantine (available here:https://nrdlv.co/2RLw8ch); I lay out what dating looks like in the era of the coronavirus, how to plan killer virtual dates and even how to keep the sexual side of things hot. Then I would suggest sprucing up your dating app profiles, and start some conversations. Find the people who, like you, are looking for something serious and long-term and start some conversations now. Get to know them, have those long, intimate and enthralling conversations over Skype or FaceTime or other video chats. Send silly Tik Tok videos back and forth, watch some movies together or play some board games. And as you get to know them and find the people who you feel are most in alignment with what you’re looking for, start laying the foundations for a long-term relationship. Talk about the future, make some short-term plans for after the quarantine is lifted and see how things play out.

You already have all the skills it takes to get into a long term relationship. You just need to apply them correctly.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. I am 40 and he is 50. When we first met, I was attracted to him but I thought he was not available. We worked together for a few months. The nature of the work is that we spent nearly the whole day together in the field each day, and we got to know each other well.

When we met, I had been divorced for about six months. During that time, I had a few casual hookups and short relationships. One of these casual relationships happened while we were friends. At the time, I confided in him about it. Time passed, my boyfriend and I started dating, and I haven’t thought about being with anyone else since.

The issue is that he frequently brings up the fact that I had sex with this other person. Sometimes it is in the context of me giving him a criticism or a complaint, and his response is “Well, you did this thing.” Sometimes, this connection seems, to me, to be illogical and unfair. For example, the most recent time was a few days ago when I said something to him about being careful because of the virus (his job requires him to be go out in public every day). He was moody for a few days and then told me that it was hypocritical of me to tell him to be careful of getting sick when I apparently think nothing of sleeping with random guys who could have diseases. In fact, I probably have all kinds of diseases I don’t even know about, according to him. Sometimes, when he starts thinking about this past incident, he will say (text) pretty nasty, slut shaming-type things to me.

The other piece to this is that I believe he has some kind of undiagnosed psychological condition such as depression or bipolar disorder. I’ve suggested that he go to a psychologist, or that we go to therapy, but he has never wanted to do that.

The end result of all this is twofold:

1) I feel like I hesitate bring up many issues for discussion because I’m afraid it will become about how I slept with someone six years ago before we were dating.

2) I get confused by the way he does this, because I think, Why is he with me if he thinks I’m so trashy? But also, I think that sometimes he gets into his head and maybe it’s more about how he’s feeling than it is about anything I have done, and I can just ignore these episodes.

So should I treat this as something that he does that is irrational and maybe an expression of his mental health? Just let him vent and then forget about it? (I have sometimes just temporarily blocked him for the night and by the next morning everything is fine). On one hand, I have a pretty forgiving temperament and I can easily overlook it. On the other hand, I feel something like despair when I think that in five years, ten years, etc., he’s still going to be saying “In 2013 you did x” every few months. I just want a better way to communicate with each other, especially when we are in disagreement.

Past Is Prologue

DEAR PAST IS PROLOGUE: This one is easy, PiP: your boyfriend is an a

hole. It’s possible he has an undiagnosed mental disorder but — keeping in mind that Dr. NerdLove is not a REAL doctor — I know of no mental illness that makes someone cling to a six year old grievance like a dog with a bone. And even if he has, say, obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can manifest as intrusive, unwelcome thoughts… that doesn’t excuse him from being an a

hole.

Before we get into what the hell is going on in his head, let’s start with the obvious: you didn’t do anything wrong here. You were single, newly divorced and dating around, as many do. You, as a grown-ass woman, decided you wanted to sleep with somebody you had a casual relationship with. That’s your call and nobody’s business but your own. That is where your responsibility for this situation starts and ends.

The problem exists entirely in your boyfriend’s head.

I strongly suspect that, were someone to ask, they would find out that your boyfriend was interested in you that time when you were single and assumed he wasn’t. Maybe he wasn’t available and couldn’t act on that attraction. Maybe he hesitated and couldn’t bring himself to make his move.  Maybe poor timing meant that whenever he did muscle up and was ready to ask you out, you were dating someone else. I don’t know and ultimately, it doesn’t matter. What’s key here is that he has been nursing this resentment for six years.

No, I’m not getting over that part any time soon. He has been angry about this for six years. Think about that. Roll it around in your mouth a little. He has been angry about something you did, that didn’t affect him, before you were together for six. Goddamn. YEARS. And more than just angry about it: it’s his go-to move whenever you have any sort of conflict. He didn’t take out the trash: “yeah, but six years ago you f

ked some dude.” You ask if you could maybe pick the movie next time: “Yes but you’re a goddamn slut”.

That ain’t normal. That ain’t healthy. That’s not how healthy adults who love each other resolve conflicts. That’s one guy — someone who’s emphatically old enough to know better — acting like a passive-aggressive squirrel who’s been hoarding hate-nuts for winter. It’s certainly possible to hold both love and resentment at the same time. Healthy adults however, understand that the first rule of making a relationship work is “Handle Thine S

t,” and he won’t. The fact that he can turn “hey be careful out there, try to not get sick” to “yes well YOU’RE A GODDAMN DISEASED WHORE” is not someone who’s healthy or in good emotional working order.

I’m not surprised that you’re afraid to bring things up, if this is what happens every time. Dude has a chip on his shoulder about this that’s grown so large and dense that it’s collapsed into a singularity and sucked his brain out his ear.

Now, we can debate and theorize why he keeps going back to this particular well at any sign of conflict. We can argue about whether he’s intentionally abusive or just lashing out at any instance of conflict because his resentment is just that close to the surface. Here’s the thing though: why he does this doesn’t matter. Intent may give you an idea about why, but intent isn’t magic. Even if it’s completely unintentional, it still hurts you. Even if he has an undiagnosed case of OCD that makes these thoughts bubble to the surface every time you all argue, that doesn’t make it ok. It’s still something he’s doing that manifestly damages you and your relationship. And that needs to stop.

This has been a boil on his soul for so long that it’s festered, and unfortunately, the only treatment is to lance it… preferably with the Chair Leg of Truth. Repeatedly. He’s been holding you responsible for his hang up for six years now and that’s not healthy for you or the relationship. Frankly I think you should be angry about this, not cowed. Hell, I’m in favor of your telling him, straight up: “I am not responsible for your fantasy about me when we weren’t dating. I am not responsible for your feelings from before we got together. I did nothing wrong, I’m not going to accept blame for your problems and if you want to stay in this relationship, then you need to build a bridge and get the f

k over it.”

If you want this relationship to work — and that’s a mighty damn big “if” — then I think you need to make his talking to a counselor a condition of staying together. You can start with seeing a relationship counselor, but I think he needs to see someone on his own too — especially if there some emotional disorder underlying all of this. The way he’s behaving is utterly unacceptable and it has gone on for far too long. You don’t deserve this and you shouldn’t put up with it and until he actually grows the hell up, every disagreement you have will look exactly like this.

And if he won’t let go of his weird hang up or put in the work to get over it… well, I hate to say it, but it’s time to love yourself enough to demand better and kick him to the curb so hard that his great grandparents feel it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com