DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, I asked out a good friend of mine (let’s call her Sara) and genuinely thought that she was interested in a relationship. We talked almost every day and related really well. She said no, and later, another friend of mine who had talked to her said, “Would you rather have her reject you now or find out in two months that she only dated you out of pity?” Sara and I don’t talk anymore because it’s too awkward, even though we had a brief conversation that we were both fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Should I give up on being friends with her?

Caught Trying to Escape The Friend Zone

DEAR CAUGHT TRYING TO ESCAPE THE FRIEND ZONE: I’m a big believer that being turned down doesn’t automatically mean that this is the end of the friendship. Ultimately, it comes down to how you stick the landing — which requires an answer to two questions.

First: How strong is this friendship? Are the two of you willing and/or able to let this awkward moment pass without dwelling on it and letting it eventually becoming one of those fond memories you’ll laugh about years down the line? Are you willing to actually call out the awkward, so that it doesn’t become this weird thing that you both try to not talk about?

Second: Are you honestly fine with having been rejected? Can you honestly continue being friends with her without constantly moping about what you could have had?

The second one is perhaps the most critical. Guys will frequently insist that they’re fine, even when they really aren’t. It’s part of the way guys are brought up; we’re not supposed to show emotions or vulnerability, so the last thing we want to do is admit to the person who rejected us that we’re hurting.

So be honest with yourself: are you really ok with just being friends? Will you honestly be able to watch her date other guys without letting the jealousy eat away at you? Are you hoping that if you stick it out, you’ll get a second shot? The last thing any friendship needs is an agenda. If you’re thinking of sticking around in the hopes that one day either she’ll come to love you or that you’ll wear her down, then you’re not really being her friend.

If the answer is a solid, honest yes to both, then you don’t have to give up being friends. Just realize it’s gonna take some time at first to power through the initial weirdness and you’ll get back to being friends like before.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married for almost two years now, and my wife is great. Like most people, I have my share of “what might have been” women. During my idle moments, I think about seeing if they’re on Facebook and seeing if they want to reconnect. It’s not like I’m looking them up to hook-up with them, and maybe part of it is to show them that I’ve turned out pretty well too. I can’t figure out why this interest comes up every now and then since it doesn’t seem connected to the temperature of my marriage.

Reading The Menu

DEAR READING THE MENU: It’s entirely natural to think about the people you could’ve (in theory) dated or hooked up with and what they’re up to now. Thanks to the ubiquity of social media, it’s even easier to track them down and get a glimpse of what they’re up to.

And let’s be honest here: it’s not just to show them that you’ve turned out pretty well… it’s also about “Are they still hot?”, “Is she still single” and “Could I still hook up with them if I wanted to?” It’s all about the fantasy; yes, you love your wife, but you like imagining that if the circumstances were just right, you could get another shot at turning “the ones who got away” into “the ones I had.” It’s easier to keep the fantasy going when you know that she’s not married to some bartender, joined a multi-level marketing scheme and joined a Home Owner’s Association so she can tell people what to do with their yards in the meantime.

Why do you do it even though your wife’s awesome and your relationship’s solid? You do it because you’re a human with a sex drive. Humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and that includes sexual novelty. Everyone — guys, gals and non-binary pals — fantasize about folks who aren’t their partners. It’s harmless fantasy and occasional fodder for when you want to just get yourself off. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your wife or that there’s anything wrong.  

The big secret about monogamy is this: being in a monogamous relationship just means you’ve agreed to not have sex with other women. It doesn’t mean you won’t want to.

As long as this is just an occasional imagined scenario, it’s fine. It’s only a problem when it starts occupying hours of your time and you’re spending time on Facebook, Instagram and the like trying to track down your former crushes. That’s when you need to start asking yourself some pointed questions about your relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Rhere is a woman I really like, she is my roommate’s fiancee’s best friend (sounds more complicated than it is.) She and I have known each other and been good friends for over a year. I really care about her.

About a month and a half ago, we went bar hopping as part of a birthday celebration. We had fun and I wanted to ask her out, but one of our other friends introduced her to this dude at the bar. Now they’re dating, and it’s killing me. 

Waited So Long

DEAR WAITED SO LONG: Start dating other women.

It’s not going to help you get your crush, but it’ll help you get over the jealousy. Sitting around pining for her and trying to figure out how to steal her away from her boyfriend (or waiting until they break up) isn’t going to do you any good. All that means is that you’ll be missing out on the women you could be dating if you devote all your time to the one you can’t.

And next time, don’t wait to ask someone out. People can’t go on dates with you when you haven’t actually asked them FOR that date, after all.

He who waits for the perfect moment, loses. You hesitated. The dude at the bar didn’t. The dude at the bar got the date. Remember that next time.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and we’re still in high-school.

Her father has hated me for the entire time, tried to bribe her out of the relationship, and just overall show disdain towards me…

What should I do?

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED: Well that all depends. Just what is he offering? I mean, if it’s a car or cash money then, y’know, most high-school relationships don’t last past graduation anyway…

But once we get past the wacky CW television universe you and your girlfriend seem to be in, it all depends on what her dad’s problem is with you. You may be diametrically opposed personalities, or you may have been rude or disrespectful at some point and he hasn’t forgiven you. You may be the guy your girlfriend’s dating because it pisses her dad off, or it could be as simple as the guy doesn’t think you’re good enough to date his little princess.

And then there’s the fact that sometimes parents just plain don’t like their children’s significant others.

If you want to try to get to the root of the issue, then you can always sit down and try to talk it out with him man to man. Otherwise, you’ll just have to learn to pretend to ignore his withering scorn.

The only thing you can do to ultimately change his mind, however, is to demonstrate through your actions and your behavior that you’re a man of integrity, who treats his daughter with care and respect.

And consider telling your girlfriend to take the bribe and split it with you. You could always just continue dating behind his back.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m turning 30 soon, and my husband and I have been happily married for four years. We have no children by choice, but we do have some pets. We both work to pay the bills, though he makes a bit more than I do.

My husband and I are best friends. We play games together, go to the movies and out to eat, joke and laugh, tease each other, etc. We’ve even had people think we are friends but not realize we are actually married. Basically, despite being good in every other way, our relationship has no ounce of romance.

My husband’s normal routine is to come home from work, make himself some dinner (we follow separate diets so it’s easier for each of us to make our own food), play video games for a few hours, and then go to bed. Sometimes I will play games with him or get him to watch a movie with me, but that’s the only variation. Same thing on the weekends, just without going to work. We are intimate a couple of times a month when he feels “in the mood” (which isn’t very often because he has a rather low libido. I have a higher one, but I’ve learned to ignore it because it’s embarrassing to be turned down by him if he’s not in the mood).

Generally, I’m happy. But sometimes I go on social media or have a conversation with a friend, and she tells me how her husband brought her flowers for no reason, or how he planned a nice weekend getaway for just the two of them. And I find myself wishing I had a husband who did things like that (I know, I’ve probably just seen one too many rom-coms). And I get a little sad. My husband and I truly are best friends. But sometimes I want us to be more than friends. Does that make sense?

I have brought this up with my husband, but he just doesn’t get it. I told him I wanted to feel his love a bit more. He said he shows his love by paying the rent. I told him I felt less like his wife and more like his roommate. He asked me if that was a bad thing. He also frequently says he is happy and he doesn’t understand what I have a problem with.

I don’t get it. I have something that most women would covet. My husband is a kind, good man, and I never have to worry about him mistreating me or cheating on me. We have a great time together. And yet, sometimes I can’t stop crying. I guess I feel like I could be best friends with anyone, but I can’t be married to anyone. I want our relationship to feel more special, more like a marriage.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here. God knows I’ve failed to make my husband understand thus far, so maybe I’m just talking nonsense. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Too Needy For My Own Good

DEAR TOO NEEDY FOR MY OWN GOOD: Let me TL;DR this right up front: no, TNFMOG, you’re not crazy. You’re not talking nonsense, and you’re not asking for too much. What you’re asking for is for your husband to show you that he loves you, cares for you and respects you. Those are all things that should come standard in a relationship, and any model that doesn’t should be returned to the lot immediately.

You have two basic issues here that need to be resolved.

The first is one of miscommunication. You may have heard the phrase “love languages” tossed around here and other spaces. Without getting deep into the details, the idea of “love languages” are different ways people express and receive love or affection from the people in their lives. Some people, for example, express love and affection through physical touch — wanting to hug and be hugged, to cuddle and so forth. Others will express love through “acts of service” — doing things for the people they care about is part of how they show that they care. Other examples include “quality time”, “gifts” and a multitude of others.

The problem that often arises is that sometimes we don’t necessarily recognize the language our partner speaks, and they don’t recognize the language that we speak. So for someone who expresses love through touch and physical contact, somebody who is physically stand-offish may seem cold and distant. But the way they express love is by providing for their loved-ones — whether that’s through paying for their essentials, making sure their physical and emotional needs are met or simply doing things for them… and they may feel that someone who expresses love through touch to be clingy. Hence the dilemma; everyone’s saying the same thing, but they’re saying it in languages the other person doesn’t understand. As a result: everyone is upset and tense because they feel like they’re not being heard and that their partner doesn’t love them.

To bridge this particular gap, you and your husband need to have an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out exactly what it is you need from him and why. The “why” part is important, because he may not realize that his way of expressing affection for you is leaving you cold and upset. I realize that in an ideal world, he’d just do these things and asking him to do them makes it feel artificial. However, if he doesn’t know that this is something that you need, then he can’t provide it for you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone “hey, here’re the things that I need from you”, and their having to consciously decide to provide them. Over time, it’ll become muscle memory and he’ll be better able give you what you need in an organic fashion.

And when you have this conversation, don’t forget to let him share his side of things — what are the ways he gives affection and the ways he receives them. That’s important too; your way may be more “traditional”,  but that doesn’t necessarily equate as being something he needs or satisfies him.

Now, in an ideal world, this would solve everything. But this isn’t an ideal world, and we need to talk about the other issue… in your relationship. One that’s more foundational and more complicated.

This relationship sounds like it’s very one-sided, with everything tilted towards your husband. It sounds like he sets the tone, pace and agenda for the entire relationship and  you follow it. In fact, you’ve been following it to the point that you seem to feel like you’re not allowed to advocate for your own needs and desires. Every relationship is going to be a balance of give and take… and it seems like you’re doing all the giving and your husband is doing all the taking.

Take the imbalance between your respective sex-drives. You — like a lot of couples with differing libidos — default to the pace of the person of the lower sex drive. While this is fairly common, it’s not actually fair; in a lot of ways, it ends up pathologizing the person with the higher sex drive. It sets them up as the one who’s just too demanding and if they could just get over this whole “needing sex” thing, everyone would be happier. And honestly, that ain’t cool. While nobody is saying that people should have sex they don’t want to have, making a point to please your partner and do things even if you’re not necessarily in the mood because you love them and want them to be happy is important. That doesn’t necessarily mean penetration, but providing an assist for your partner (without complaint or begrudging it) is important for everyone feeling like they’re a part of the relationship. Feeling like your needs are understood and respected is an important part of satisfaction in a relationship.

But this is just one example in a series of behaviors that make it seem as though your husband gets his way by default. The fact that your time together is always on his terms and the activities he wants… well, that ain’t good. I don’t think he’s being malicious, but it does sound to me like he’s being self-involved to the point that it doesn’t occur to him that you’re not happy. It sounds like it simply hasn’t occurred to him that maybe you’d like to do things together — and more than just the things that he wants to do. I suspect it may come from a similar place as the miscommunication in love languages. He may see this as “hey, we both do the things we want instead of forcing the other to take part, everyone’s happy!”, not realizing that for you, this represents a lack of intimacy and togetherness.

And while folding this into the Awkward Conversation may be a start, I think that it’s the sort of issue that needs to be discussed with a sex-positive relationship counselor. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists have a referral directory on their site that can help you find a relationship counselor in your area. If you want to make this relationship work,  then I think you should make visiting a counselor together a priority. And if he doesn’t want to go, then go by yourself, at least at first. Sometimes these issues are best handled by having a trained third party who can help both facilitate communicating  your needs with your partner and finding a solution.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long-time reader and I first and foremost I want to thank you for sharing so much helpful advice in a healthy and progressive way – it has helped me a lot.

I hadn’t been in a relationship in my life until I turned 25 when I met – let’s call her M. We were co-workers and also studying in the same field so we had a lot of things to talk about, pretty similar views on many issues and, additionally, had been through some of the same painful experiences in life with bullying and loneliness. Needless to say, we quickly became very close friends in a way I hadn’t been with someone in quite a while – and initially, that was all there was to it since she had a boyfriend and I really didn’t want to get mixed up in something like that.

Well, sometimes life happens and when you spend a lot of time working and studying and just generally going through a lot of things together, and when so many other things align as well, it’s hard not to fall in love. And boy were we starstruck. Despite the fact that she was in a long-term relationship at the time we quickly spiraled into something that didn’t really resemble an affair, but was more akin to a relationship as well, only that it had to be hidden. I had never been this intensely in love in my life. Being apart from her almost physically hurt – and this is probably where the problems started.

The following months were an intense ride of ups and downs with us splitting up several times only to quickly get back together a few days later, and her eventually promising me to leave her boyfriend for us to be together but then never really committing to it because the “circumstances weren’t right that day” and other excuses. When things were good, they were intensely good, but when they were bad – it hurt a lot. There were many times when she’d even text her boyfriend while we were traveling together. As someone with low self-esteem and being terribly afraid to lose her, I never really enforced my boundaries and basically just swallowed my pride, a decision I now deeply regret because of the pain it caused me and her boyfriend who never found it – how she managed to hide the whole thing is beyond me. At the same time, it is important to point out just how good the “highs” were, how romantic things were, how good the sex was and how much I learned about myself through her.

Skip forward a few months, we are still illegitimate, and she leaves for a semester abroad. I even visited her a few times – once with a friend who I insisted to fill in about us because I was close to snapping and couldn’t stand hiding the truth anymore. This is where things started to really go downhill: After that she grew both very depressed and distanced herself from me. We would have a lot of pointless arguments about ridiculous things, and I eventually grew resentful because she never split up from her boyfriend. We spoke less and less, and then at some point, there was a call where she told me how she had gotten closer again with him and that she didn’t feel like she missed me anymore. At that moment I snapped and ended the whole thing and just blocked her everywhere. The last months had been very painful and at this point, it felt like the realization of something that had been true for quite a while already.

Once she came back, however, she basically begged for us to meet once where she confessed to me that she lied to me about wanting to end things because she “wanted things to be easier for me”, which felt so intensely manipulative. I was truly confounded by this and we didn’t speak again after this. Soon it was my turn to leave the country to study abroad and I wanted to work on my healing process. It felt great, I met new friends, and I went on a few dates – only that I would always end up disappointed or even disgusted at myself, and every time there was this tiny thought creeping up on me how things had been better with M and how no one would ever be able to truly compare to what I had felt for her. It sometimes felt like I was just forcing myself to accept a sort of substitute for something profound that I had lost. Needless to say, no one of these dates went any further than a one night stand.

After coming back from my semester abroad, with many friends having left town by now, I fell into a minor depression and struggled to rebuild my life at home. It was at this time that I ran into M again – and realized just how much I still felt for her. Contrary to me, however, she seemed to have fully rebuilt her life. A few weeks later we even kissed, only for her to tell me afterward how things didn’t feel the same and it had been a mistake. I was devastated, and humiliated by my own stupidity and lack of pride.

Ever since then I’ve been working on improving the other aspects of my life: Being more social, actively meeting new people and going on dates, and overall it is working as long as I don‘t run into M. But every time I‘m on a date I start comparing how well we match to how things felt with her, and every time I run into her I am just feeling depressed afterward. I’ve just been on a date with someone who I certainly have a minor crush on, with her being smart, beautiful, hard-working and very cute, but at the same time, it always felt like I never could really hold a relaxing conversation with her.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I think I suffer from a bad case of Oneitis, but it’s just so hard to not compare potential partners to the immensely intense way I felt for M back then. How do I start healing? Or, even better: How do I find someone who will make me feel the same or even more than her? Where do I go from here?

Sincerely,

– Feeling Broken and Alone

DEAR FEELING BROKEN AND ALONE: There’s a lot here, FBA, but the short version is that the reason why you’re still hung up on your ex is because you’re addicted to her… in a way. The clue is in something that you said in your letter:

“The following months were an intense ride of ups and downs with us splitting up several times only to quickly get back together a few days later, and her eventually promising me to leave her boyfriend for us to be together but then never really committing to it because the “circumstances weren’t right that day” and other excuses. When things were good, they were intensely good, but when they were bad – it hurt a lot.”

What you’re describing is what’s known as intermittent reinforcement. You get those moments of good feelings interspersed with a whole lot of bad experiences. There’s just enough good — and the highs from the good are strong enough — that you crave them, especially when they come increasingly rarely or paired with greater levels of disappointment. The patterns of splitting up only to get back together later, promises that never actually get fulfilled, doing things “because she wanted them to be easier for you”… these all end up serving to create this sense of uncertainty that you can never fully resolve. As a result, you put more and more effort in to get those highs — the great sex, the sense of validation — to try to offset the constant anxiety and fear of losing her. It puts you in a position where you start accepting patently unacceptable behavior because you’re hoping for another of those moments of relief.

It’s shockingly easy to fall into this pattern and even to convince yourself that it’s fine. When you’re young and/or relatively inexperienced, the idea of “incredible highs and equally incredible lows” can seem a little romantic, even exciting because LOOK AT HOW GREAT THOSE HIGHS are. But those lows hit you much harder and do more to you than those highs can alleviate. It’s ultimately a losing equation, one that leaves you worse off than when you started. At the same time, though, it can be incredibly addictive. It’s the same sort of psychology that casinos use to keep you throwing money at slot machines and card tables.

It’s also the sort of psychological manipulation that you find in Red Pill circles.

Now this doesn’t mean that she was doing this intentionally… but at a certain level, I think she was aware that she was keeping you on a string. Much as with Still Waiting from last Thursday’s letter, I think you had a very different idea of what your relationship was from her. While you were seeing this as a Love To Last The Ages, I think that she was seeing you as an easy distraction from her boyfriend. And past a certain point… well, she decided that maintaining things with you wasn’t worth the price. Especially since you apparently were far more invested in things than apparently she was.

All of this is to say: it’s entirely understandable why you feel the way you do. And understanding that is going to be key to moving forward. Intellectually, you understand that this was a bad relationship. Emotionally, on the other hand… well, you’re still hung up on her because of what she represents. Here was this woman who you felt you had this incredible connection with, who was with you despite having a boyfriend and all the validation that came with it. By the same token, the part of you that got so hung up on her recognizes that it was a bad scene. So you’re stuck in this place where she represents the pinnacle of what could be — the validation, the sex, the sense of being The Man because you had her — and your being foolish enough to let her treat you like this.

So there’re two things that I think you need to do. The first is simply to let go of her and what she represents. The version you’re comparing every date to is your fantasy of her, not the reality, the version that you remember with all the bad parts cut out. Taking each new potential date as an individual, seeing them for themselves instead of in comparison to your ex is an important part of moving forward. The more you focus strictly on them as themselves, the less you’ll be comparing them to the imaginary version of your ex.

The second is to forgive yourself. You were, as many are, someone who loved not too wisely but too well. You wanted to believe in something that ultimately couldn’t happen. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for a dream to come true. You don’t deserve blame for caring for someone who didn’t care for you the way you deserve. You need to forgive yourself for all of this, for letting her get under your skin like that and for not standing up for yourself when you needed to.

When you do that, you put yourself in a position to learn and to grow. Your next relationship will be all the better — and all the stronger — for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com