DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Good morning Doc,

I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one's head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

DEAR LIFE UNDER QUARANTINE: I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel (YouTube.com/user/DrNerdLove), LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It'll explain a little about what's going on and why you're having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn't just emotional; it's also chemical. When we're with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the "cuddle" chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we're getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs. 

When we break up with someone, we're suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back... badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end. 

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of "get over someone by getting under someone else"; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there. 

Of course, sex isn't the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it's simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It's socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It's a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one's touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing. 

However, we're all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic... which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But "difficult" isn't the same as "impossible". 

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you. 

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies. 

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn't mean you can't find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it'll give you something concrete that you can point to and say "by doing this, I'm doing something to make the world a little better." 

And you should also date. 

Yes, I know. We're all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren't shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can't be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or FaceTime... these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can't be there in the flesh. It's not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn't the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it... but what's a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I'm not gonna lie; it's a rough time right now. But that doesn't mean that the world has come to a halt. We're still living, we're still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically. 

You'll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just started reading your column and I need advice on the following problem: I have an unrequited best friendship with someone (you could call her A). Like, I want to be best friends and she wants to be good friends or friends. And I don’t know how labels work. I just want to hang out with her all the time. And I just worry that I’m not good enough (like, everything I like about myself, such as being friendly and funny, such as enjoying sci-fi books, she has tenfold) and I worry that I will drive her away (maybe us hanging out so much puts strain on the friendship, maybe me finding excuses to hang out with her has started becoming transparent) and I worry about my ulterior motives that, maybe if I hang out with her enough, we will magically move from being good friends to best friends.

I really can’t help it that I’m so happy hanging out with her and she is for all intents and purposes my best friend. We see each other in groups and one-on-one almost every day each week. I look forward to hanging out with her all day on the rare days that we don’t see each other, then I’m waiting to hang out with her the next day. Like, I have a good number of friends. She just far outshines them all.

As background, we have the same lifestyle (a few years out of college, work part-time) and hobbies (hiking, books). We have the same taste in everything. We now hang out almost six days each week. The timeline of our friendship is as follow:

11 months ago: we started seeing each one-on-one as friends. We hung out one to four times each week to do our mutual hobbies.

2 months ago: we become, in my view, best friends. We really started discussing our personal lives and we realize just how many shared interests and commonalities we really have together.

1 month ago: she becomes incredibly busy with a personal project and is worried that I think we’re dating. She tells me that we need to stop seeing each other one-one-one. I tell her that I have no desire to date her and that I only want to be friends. I incorrectly figure we’re breaking up as friends (and I text her a few days later that ‘she’s one of my best friends and that I wish we could see each other again’).

1 week ago: she asks for my help with that personal project. I, of course, say yes (while it’s work for her, it’s fun for me and I also want to see more of her).

So, as we’re working on the project, about a week ago, she clarifies that she thinks we’re good friends. She explains that she’s had some bad, male “friends” who wanted to date her (which is additionally not good because she’s gay). She said she likes me as a friend. And I really like that. I just can’t think of her as a friend, because, while I have plenty of friends, she is my only best friend. Like, I see her four times more often than anyone else. And, unlike all my other friends, she and I have the same taste in basically everything. I know I shouldn’t compare other people. She’s just my favorite person to hang out with and, if I had a choice, I would hang out with her every day.

And I just wonder what your advice is as follow:

1) Do I just keep going along with this friendship like I don’t have all these feelings (besides that earlier text, I have never said anything about us being “best friends,” even though that’s basically how I feel)?

2) How do I stop worrying about our future as friends (like, I personally already have plans for us eating brunch twenty years from now; well, we do also have a few plans set for six months from now; I really see potential for us as friends and I just can’t help thinking constantly about ways to be a better friend to her)?

3) How do I avoid becoming too much for her (like, I have stopped texting her as much given she’s now a lot more busy; and I’m trying to keep myself collected. I’m just always available for plans with her in a way that I wouldn’t be for other friends and I think she’s starting to notice that)?

Sincerely,

Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: As with many questions like this, there’re the questions you’re asking… and then there the questions you SHOULD be asking, Confused. But let’s roll it from the top, shall we?

You have a platonic crush. Some folks call it a squish, some folks call it “falling in like”… it’s basically a non-romantic fascination. And honestly, I get it; I’ve got people in my life that I feel the same way. I don’t want to date them or sleep with them, I just think they’re awesome and like being friends with ’em.

The annoying thing about this sort of crush is that… well, it can come with a lot of the same anxieties and insecurities that come with a crush or romantic interest in someone. Just because the end-goal is different doesn’t mean that you don’t worry about someone liking you back in the same way and to the same level. And, like with a crush, you need to not get so far out over your skis that you end up crashing. It’s easy to inadvertently get so caught up in the New Friendship Energy that you get too intense for someone and cause them to back off. This can be especially tricky when dealing with friendships with someone who’s of your preferred gender; an intense friendship — or the desire for one — can come across like romantic interest. A lot of folks, women especially, have had people try to use friendship as a Trojan horse for starting a romantic or sexual relationship, so they’re understandably cautious.

And honestly, it sounds like you’re coming across as really intense, so I’m not entirely surprised she’s got her shields up.

Part of the issue here is that it sounds a lot like you’re taking the wrong tack for trying to improve your friendship with her. If you’re focusing on “what can I do to be a better friend”, then it’s really easy to trip yourself up. The idea of understanding somebody’s love languages applies as much to friendship as it does to romantic relationships; if, for example, your language is gifts or acts of service and they don’t receive in that way, it can come across as though you’re trying to create friendship via a sense of obligation. It may not be what you’re intending — you just like doing things for your friends — but intent ain’t magic, especially if it’s setting off their Spidey-sense.

It’s also not how you build a friendship.

The key to building friendships and transitioning from “acquaintance” to “friends” to “good friends” is through time and repetition.  Spending time together, doing things you enjoy and enjoying each other’s presence is the core to turning an acquaintance into a good friend. Hanging out, grabbing a beer, playing games together or otherwise having fun — including good conversation — are how you solidify the ties between you and your friend. And, critically, it needs to be leisure time, when the two of you choose to spend time together. Spending time when you are required to, such as at work or on school projects, doesn’t have the same effect.

And when I say “time”, I mean it. It takes approximately 50 hours to go from “acquaintance” to “casual friend”, about 100 hours to become “good friends” and more than 200 hours to become “best friends”.

So if you want to be friends, you need to just slow your roll and be willing to invest the time and let the friendship grow organically. Trying to force it or rush it is how you end up coming across as entirely to eager and end up putting people on the defensive. That eager-to-please excitement can be adorable in a child or a puppy, but it’s kind of annoying (at best) in a grown-ass adult.

Right now, you’ve pushed a little too hard and she’s putting up some boundaries for her own emotional protection. The best thing you can do rebuild her comfort and trust by showing that you respect those boundaries. If she’s worried about hanging out with you one-on-one for now, then don’t push it. You can still see her, but you will just have to do so at group events and the like. Show that you are willing to prioritize her comfort and limits and she’ll see that mistaking your friendship for romantic interest was just a wacky misunderstanding.

But it’s going to be on you not to push too hard or let your enthusiasm get too intense. You can still chat, you can still hang out… but you may just need to let it be a series of short, shallower conversations, or hang-outs in group settings. Be willing to let her take the set the pace, keep things low-key and you won’t end up overdoing it.

Now here’s the question you need to ask yourself: is the label “best friends” really so important to you? Is it so vital that she gives that stamp to your relationship, or can you simply just appreciate that you are friends without having to quantify it? Needing to label things in this case sounds a little less like trying to define the relationship and more about the validation of her saying “yes, you’re my BFF”. Focusing on the exact level of your friendship meters with regard to one another or trying to plan things out 20 years from now is a lot like a finger pointing to the moon; if you focus on the finger, you miss all the heavenly glory. Be in the now, live for this moment; otherwise all you do is sabotage your future and miss out on your present.

If you want to be a good friend to her, then appreciate the friendship for what it is, instead of strategizing how to turn it into more. Just relax and enjoy the time you spend together; that’s how you become best friends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: just wanted to reach out to you for some advice, I have never had any luck with women and at 25 I’m still a virgin not that it matters because it just means I haven’t had that experience.

I have zero self confidence around women whatsoever, I have never fit in and have been bullied most of my life. I have always been the socially awkward, quiet, shy and weird guy, I have just recent been able to start making friends in college. I am really worried that I will say the wrong thing and appear creepy to women or I get consent and they regret being with me later and my ability to practice in my potential career will be ruined.

There is a girl that I work with that is five years younger than me that I have feelings for but I won’t act on because I don’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable. I also think she is way out of my league as she is funny, intelligent and really cute where as I’m weird, awkward, goofy, slightly below average looking and not the sharpest tool in the shed.

This girl teases me all the time and work and makes me laugh but, I think just does it to make fun of me, I asked her why she did it over text and if it was because I’m and easy target and her response was “Could be ;)” “but I dont make fun of you!!”. This coworker has also randomly messaged me “Love Yoouuuu” out of the blue and randomly referred to me as “babe” at work when I asked her if it was a slip of the tongue and she said no. This behavior confuses me maybe I should just avoid her entirely if possible.

The other thing that I fear is affecting me is being ginger, I don’t think most women like or even prefer ginger guys, gingers are popular with men not women. I also feel like I have to have a rhinoplasty to correct my crooked nose and braces in order to be even average looking to women.

How would you gain confidence and get over someone who you shouldn’t have feelings for?

Weird Awkward Nerd

DEAR WEIRD AWKWARD NERD:Ok so this is one giant tangled knot of misconceptions, WAN. But I think rather than trying to pick things apart, we’re just gonna take the Alexander approach and cut straight through it.

First things first WAN, let me help you put this fear to bed: nobody is out there consenting to sex, then deciding they didn’t like it and using that as a vehicle for destroying somebody’s life. The myth of “regret=rape” is bulls

t being spread by folks who think concepts like “enthusiastic consent” give too much power to women to say “no”.

Similarly, saying the wrong thing isn’t going to be the end of the world. Creepiness isn’t a one-off event, nor is it about looks; it’s a series of behaviors and attitudes that make people feel unsafe. Basic consideration and social calibration goes a long, long way towards avoiding being a creeper. Most of what you need to do is simply relax and be mindful of other people’s comfort.

By the same token: there are no such things as leagues; there are people who are into you, and people who aren’t. If someone’s attracted to you and wants to date you, then by definition, you’re in their league… even if they’re a princess and you’re a cave troll.

But at the same time: dude, where in pluperfect f

kery did you get the idea that women don’t like gingers? I mean, this is easy to dismiss by looking at the number of girls who went apes

t for Ron and George Weasely in the Harry Potter movies, or the women who get the screaming thigh-sweats for Eddy Sheeran. Or, for that matter, the fans of Michael Fassbender, Paul Bettany, Domnhall Gleeson, Robert Redford…

I mean, I could go on.

(Also, dude. *I’m* a ginger and I can tell you from experience: that’s never been a problem for me.)

Your biggest issue is that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re unattractive and you’ve worked backwards from there. And look, if I had a nickel for everyone who’s written in convinced that they’re Phantom of the Opera level deformed and was actually perfectly average AT WORST, then Elon Musk and I would be having giant mecha fights off the coast of San Jose.

Here’s the thing: 90% of being attractive is about presentation, not bone structure or physical features. All you have to do to see this is to do a search for “celebrities without makeup” or “instagram vs. reality” to see just how much conventional attractiveness is about how you present yourself. S

t, watch some episodes of Queer Eye and see just how transformative a change of clothes and a hair cut can be.

You don’t need a nose job to be attractive; you need to make changes to how you present yourself. People spend luxury-car amounts of money on plastic surgery and are still miserable. Getting a good hair cut and wearing clothes that fit and look good on you will do far more for making you feel like a sexy bad-ass.

All of these doubts and self-limiting beliefs are just retroactively justifying what you already believe. It’s confirmation bias in action; you ignore any signs that people might think you’re cute as “that doesn’t count”, while you double and triple down on anything that goes along with your belief that you’re an unf

kable troll.

Which actually brings us to your friend at work. I think you’re radically misinterpreting what she’s doing and why. Yes, she’s teasing you… but teasing isn’t inherently malicious. In fact, a lot of people will use teasing as a form of flirting; they’re showing interest in a gently playful way. I strongly suspect that this is coming from a place of affection. Part of the fun is how flustered or worked up you get; I’m willing to bet that if someone asked her why she likes to nudge at you like this, she’d tell them that it’s because your reactions are cute.

Because, straight talk: women don’t call folks “babe” or tease folks the way your coworker is teasing you if they don’t like them. This isn’t necessarily a sign that she’d like to date you… but it’s a damn sight closer to that than the idea that she’s taunting you or being cruel. The problem is that you don’t want to believe that someone you think of as attractive could like you.

If you were to start teasing her back, the way she teases you? Not only do I think she’d love it, I think you’d find the two of you would really connect. I can’t say that you’d start dating… but you sure as hell would have a much better time at work and make a very good friend. And that might lead to something new and amazing.

But to do that, you have to start by accepting that hey, people think you’re cute, fun and like you.

Because hey: they clearly do.

You’ve got far more going for you than you realize, WAN; you just won’t let yourself believe it. Take some time to make some changes to how you dress and style yourself, let those changes sink in and make you feel awesome and open yourself up to your own potential. I think you’ll surprise yourself in just how much you’re capable of if you give yourself a chance.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com