DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: 3 and a half years ago, I used to suck at relationships. I was not the nicest person to be around, being selfish, entitled, needy… the whole package. My relationships, if any, never lasted more than 3 months and almost always ended up in the other person ghosting me, and since I apparently never got the message, breaking up in the worst terms possible. So I got coaching. Yes, this did terrible things to my life, but that’s another topic.

Anyway. after this coaching thing was over I met who I then thought was the perfect woman. She made me want to feel better, she was always fun to hang with, I never was tired when she was around, she had a crazy sex drive (which meant we almost never slept), she got me into art and movies, she wasn’t afraid of calling me sexy and hot, something that had never happened to me before… it was a wonderful year.

But then things changed for both of us. She started her own business and I was jobless, so seeing each other was hard. I had no reliable source of income, so I couldn’t afford the 2-and-a-half hours ride to her place that often, and she suddenly had way less time for me since she had to devote everything to other things. She ended things up, seeing how it was complicated to make it work.

And I fell hard.

I had to go to therapy. I cried many nights. I gained a lot of weight. I sabotaged a couple of relationships after her, just because they weren’t her.

Eventually, things got a bit better. I now know that what I longed for (still do, sometimes) was the “her” of that time, that was so compatible with the “me” back then. And we’re not the same persons we were.

But since being lonely after getting used to having sex almost everywhere, every day, is not a nice feeling, I somehow got good at the “one night stands” game. It’s not hard for me to get someone to spend the night with, but it always ends there. No second dates, no “stay for breakfast”… nothing. And I’m beginning to fear that I’m too afraid to open up again, just because nobody can measure up to the one relationship I had that did not suck. So, is there anything I can do? Am I past the point of no return? In other words, how do I get a relationship?

Thanks in advance.

Stray Cat Strut

DEAR STRAY CAT STRUT: There are a couple things to think about here, SCS.

The first is that you’re creating an artificial divide between one-night stands and potential relationships. I can’t count the number of people I know — both in my personal life and clients that I’ve worked with — who’s long-term relationships started off as one-night stands that just… didn’t end, really. The skills that help you find someone who is interested in a casual hook-up are the same skills that help you find someone who wants things that are more committed and more long-term. The only real difference is in how you apply them.

In fact, as odd as it may sound, the bigger issue people have is keeping things casual; more people try to create and maintain a casual, no-strings attached relationship and find themselves catching feelings by mistake.

So it’s not as though you can’t make the leap, if that’s what you want.

On a purely skill-based, mechanical level, making the transition from “casual” to “committed” depends on the expectations you set and the way you behave with your partners. One of the reasons why one-night stands tend to stay one-night stands is because the people involved aren’t that invested in the person they’re sleeping with. It’s less about connecting with a person and more about getting their rocks off, which means that they come to it treating the other person like a human-shaped masturbation toy. Focusing on connecting,  treating your partner like a person with needs and desires from the get-go and getting to know them on more than a “let’s make squishy-noises” level all help make the leap from “Ok this was nice now get out” to “You know, I might like to see you again.”

Problem is, more people tend to just get off, wipe their metaphorical dick on the curtains and head out the door before the sweat’s started to dry. Small wonder a lot of folks either don’t like one-night stands or aren’t interested in seeing the other person again.

But I think the bigger issue for you is who you’re pursuing. I’m wondering if you’re actually interested in the people you’re sleeping with for more than just sex. It sounds to me like you’re not actively looking for someone who might be as awesome as your ex; you may have decided there’s no point, so why bother trying. And that could be equal parts Oneitis and feeling like you don’t deserve someone as good.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m wondering if all those one-night stands are part of why you feel like you couldn’t find someone like her again. That you’re “not good enough” to date, so you only let yourself look for quickies instead… and since you’re the sort of person who only gets one-night stands, you’re not “worthy” of getting a “real” relationship.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been where you are. There was a point where I thought I had the perfect girlfriend, the perfect job and the perfect life. And then in short order, I got fired from the perfect job and dumped by my perfect girlfriend. And while it sucked worse than anything had sucked before… when I gave myself time to heal and recover and get some perspective, I realized just how wrong I was. The job wasn’t actually right for me — it was what I thought I wanted, but not something I actually enjoyed or found fulfilling. My “perfect” girlfriend was a great person — and we’re still friends today — but the relationship wasn’t one that actually met my needs; in fact, I was always terrified about it all falling apart. I wasn’t in the right place to be dating at all, never mind her.

With time, experience and distance, not only was I able to come to terms with all of this, but I started getting to know myself better. And despite losing all those “perfect” parts of my life… I was able to find a new career and new relationships that were actually right for me.

But a lot of it involved my being willing to forgive myself for “losing” all of that.

I think that’s what you need more than anything else. You need to forgive yourself for not being able to hold onto that “perfect” relationship, for the mess you found yourself in afterwards and the strings of hook-ups you’ve had since. Your relationship with your ex didn’t fail; it simply reached it’s natural end-point and you had to move on to the next stage of your story. And while she was amazing and you had some great times… there are many, many women out there who are just as amazing, and who are right for who you are now.

The key is that you have to be willing to give yourself permission to find them.

You don’t need to change up your game, as it were; you just need to start changing how you play it. You have the skills to find your next adventure; you just have to apply them differently. Instead of looking for folks who are just up for sex that night, prioritize meeting people who are just awesome. People who yeah, may be down to bang… but people you’d want to see again. And when you do find them… focus on connecting and commonalities more than the sex. The more you can build that sense of connection, the more likely it’ll be that hooking up that night will lead to breakfast the next day… and then dinner the following night.

You’ll find someone just as great as your ex. You just have to let yourself be open to it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader and love your content.

Background of how I met a girl (J, 25) about 6 months ago in class. She is a 10/10. I looked her up on Instagram and saw she had 5,000 followers and posts very spicy pictures, I was a big fan. We started hanging out and getting drinks over the course of a few months and got a long really well. This last summer we were hanging out again and when I dropped her off at her car she kissed me out of nowhere. My dumb ass thought she was just being friendly and never asked about it. A month or so later and I start to wonder so I finally asked her why she did that. Her response was she’s obviously attracted to me and has been trying not to do it again since we are taking another class together. I was stoked. We tried to not hook up so we could focus on the class but that didn’t last.

We started dating these last 2 months and it’s been awesome. We’re both on the same page as far as what we want in dating, to have fun with no drama or questions about where things were at. We both understood that we’re graduating this year and going onto our respective masters programs that will likely be elsewhere in the country. So the relationship wasn’t serious as it had no real future.

We got back from the coast 2 weeks ago after spending a couple days there. She left to go see her family in another city and I was ready for some alone time just to enjoy being lazy for Christmas break. Well we ended up having our internet shut off cause our roommate randomly moved out and it was in his name. So no video games for me. All my friends were out of town, so I had no one to hang out with. I went on hikes by myself and worked out but you can only do that for so long. So I got really bored over those few days. During the course of this I started texting her more and sort of relying on her to entertain me. Mind you I wasn’t texting excessively, it was 1 to 2 texts a day, but I planned on not texting much during this time to let the anticipation of seeing each other build back up.

I noticed that she was taking longer (up to 24 hours) to respond than she normally did and this started to make me think things weren’t going well. That’s been my experience in the past and I became really anxious. I began to think this was a hallmark sign that things were going to end soon. I ruminated on it for a few days and eventually convinced myself that my negative thoughts were true and that I needed to act.

The day I knew she was coming back, I sent her a text that morning asking if she wanted to go on a date in a few days. I heard no response. I called her that night before she was going to work and had no answer. This confirmed it to me that she was ignoring me and I was clear to ask what was going on. However, instead of just sending a simple text saying, “Hey, you seem kinda distant lately. Is everything cool?” I sent this ungodly long text about how I noticed she was becoming distant and in my experience this meant things were going to end soon but since we had been friends I wanted to continue to be friends. I said I understood that things weren’t serious and we were moving away this summer and so on.

Her response completely killed me. Her text was long as well, but basically, J said this was the kind of talk she didn’t want to have and she had been creating a little distance but thought I was awesome and had no intention of not dating. She liked that we didn’t ask questions or need clarity on where we were at. She explained that it took her longer to get back into town than normal and had been busy with family. I felt extremely stupid and embarrassed for how anxious I felt in the days leading up to my text. I was totally wrong. I apologized and tried to explain why I did it, that it was born out of anxiety and bad previous experiences but has never resulted in me sending a text like I did. She wasn’t too receptive and was pretty focused on how I questioned what we had. We talked on the phone the next day and I explained everything again in much better detail and had her considering a second shot, saying she was 50/50. But J also said she gets weird after she’s had arguments with past boyfriends, but didn’t really elaborate on it. She thought about it and texted me later that day saying she didn’t think it was going to work. J told me that it wasn’t so much what I did, but more her, and we should just be friends. My only response was “ok.”

I feel like such an idiot for what I did. I’ve always had anxiety (it’s human nature), but it’s never gotten to the point where it ruined something that was really good. I totally let it consume me and dictate my behavior. With it being the holidays and no one in town, no internet, and nothing to do, I couldn’t use my normal distractions to help quell the anxiety. I understand that this is something I really need to work on otherwise it will ruin things for me in the future. But I also want to try and make things better with J and hopefully date her again. I’m not going to talk to her for awhile to give her time as well as myself so I can get a better handle on my anxiety. But I do intend to hit her up in the future and see if I can get things going. I do want to be her friend and I’m not going to launch into trying to win her over again, but I think it’s worth it to try. So this is where I need your sweet PhD level of love knowledge for guidance. What is the best way to approach this? And how do you deal with anxiety in a new dating relationship?

The Anxious Dunce

DEAR THE ANXIOUS DUNCE: There’re a couple things to work through here, TAD. The first is dealing with your anxiety.

Your anxiety is an ongoing issue in your life — you say you’ve always had it — which means that you need to learn better ways of managing it. Don’t get me wrong: distractions are great; I’m a big believer in giving my brain things to focus on when I’m having a minor freak-out.  But there will always be points where you aren’t going to be able to rely on distractions or busywork. Such as, say, when your roommate ditches you and takes the wifi with him. Relying on other people to be your distraction or your sole source of entertainment is a bad idea. People have their own lives and can’t always be on your beck and call. Learning how to manage your anxiety, especially at times when you aren’t going to be able to trick yourself into looking the other way, is going to be crucial for your life in general, especially in your relationships.

Part of this is going simply engaging the logical side of your brain. Anxiety is pure ID; it’s all animalistic fear for no good reason. While you can’t necessarily rationalize yourself out of an anxiety attack, you can logic yourself into taking more sensible actions. Case in point: you didn’t get a text back immediately and proceeded to go on the emotional equivalent of the Xcelerator.

There’re any number of reasons why someone might not text you back that aren’t “they hate you and are going to dump you so hard your grandparents divorce retroactively.” You and your girlfriend were on Christmas break. It’s understandable that she’s not necessarily going to be able to be Janie-on-the-spot whenever you text. She’s going to be spending time with her family, doing holiday-related activities and likely not being anywhere near her phone or unable to respond right away. Telling yourself that can help give you enough breathing room to, y’know, not send that insanely long text that basically told her that you knew she was about to leave you and please please please don’t do that. Then you can focus on getting your brain under control and breathing through the fear until everything quiets down and your more rational side can grab the reins back.

And look: you know this is something you wrestle with. You know you’re prone to freaking out and making really dumb decisions. That’s a good indicator that you should be talking to a counselor about how you can get things under control. This might entail cognitive behavioral exercises. It might mean medication, or talk therapy or all of the above. Regardless of how you go about doing it, working on your anxiety issues is going to make your life better overall.

Now let’s talk about J for a second. What you describe doesn’t really sound like a great relationship or that J wasn’t the right relationship for you. It’s one thing to want a casual relationship; it’s another to think that “casual” means “good vibes only” or that sticking the “casual” label on things means that you never have to talk about issues or that the key to avoiding drama is to just never say anything. “I’m 50/50 on the idea of getting back together” isn’t exactly the kindest thing to say to someone, nor is it a great attitude to have going into a relationship. “I get weird after fights” isn’t an explanation for her behavior either. While your anxiety lead to your making some poor decisions, she wasn’t exactly covering herself in glory either.

You say that you were both on the same page about things, but I kind of question that. Did you ever actually have the Defining The Relationship talk, where you actually laid out what you expected and needed from the relationship? Did the two of you ever actually agree on what “not questioning things” meant or did you both just assume that you knew what the other meant? Yeah, it can feel a little weird or awkward to try to define the terms, but a little weirdness at the beginning is a great way to avoid a lot of discomfort later down the line. Like, say, when one of you sends a long-ass rambling “please don’t leave me” tweet out of the clear blue sky.

What do you do from here? Well, honestly, I think you need to let this one go. All you’re doing right now is prolonging your pain and ensuring that you’re going to have more in the future. The fact that you want to try to stay friends with an eye towards getting back together means that the odds that this is going to end in tears — yours — is pretty goddamn high. Instead of trying to salvage this — and honestly it doesn’t seem like it’s all that salvageable — you should be investing that time and energy in yourself and getting your anxiety under control. This way when you find someone new and awesome, you won’t make the same mistakes this time around.

I get it: J is stupid hot, you really like her and you’re feeling like you want a redo on the way you screwed this up. But that really isn’t an option; the only option you have is to live with it and learn from it. Is it possible that you and J could get back together? Sure; the odds are low, but they’re not zero. However, you’re not in any place to make it work right now. All you’ll be doing is setting yourself up for a rerun of your last break-up. It’ll be second verse, same as the first, just a little bit louder and a whole lot worse.

So let this go, TAD. Take this, learn from it and let it be the crucible that makes you a stronger, better person who has a firmer hold on his anxieties.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Really appreciate the good work you’ve been doing ever since I first came across your site. I’ve recently found myself in a bind and I’m hoping you could maybe bring out the chair leg of truth…?

First off, I’m a 22 year old cis male living away from home. In the last three years, I’ve moved abroad and changed cities twice. While it has been a worthwhile experience, most of my relationships have been rendered short term. As a result, I’ve been in a drought, if you know what I mean. However, I met this girl, let’s call her True, like two years ago. It was a cold approach, and when I asked for her number, she said she would rather take mine. I thought that was a soft no, and she would not contact me but, lo and behold, she did. We started talking.

She made it clear after a while that she was in an open relationship but/and she was open to fooling around. I agreed, partially because I already liked her and well, I was kinda desperate. We met and had a make out session(which was really good) and slowed down on the talking for a while.

We recently reconnected and she said she wanted to meet up. She invited me to an event, which later turned out to be at her boyfriend’s house. As it turned out, the boyfriend had also invited the girl he fools around with. I didn’t know how to feel about that but True and I ended up fooling around like some teenagers again. And it was fucking awesome.

Here’s the thing. I’m not sitting around waiting for them to break up (I think they plan to get married) but this arrangement is taking an unnecessary strain on me. I definitely like True and I know she likes me but I really don’t know what’s the endgame here. I’ve struck out with my last few approaches and as a result, I’m unfortunate developing an unfortunate case of Oneitis.

I’ve considered blocking her and ghosting but it seems a bit extreme. I really don’t know where to go from here, because I know there’s an end coming, I’d just like it to be on my own terms to the extent that that’s possible.

Any wise words of wisdom…?

Thanks in advance.

Stuck In The Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: There’s not really an endgame here, SITM. You and True may get along like a house on fire, have amazing chemistry and astounding make-out sessions… but at the end of the day, you and True just aren’t right for one another. She may be an amazing person, but she’s a person with a boyfriend, and it’s pretty clear that the whole “open relationship” thing isn’t gonna work for you.

Now maybe it wouldn’t be as difficult if they did their open relationship differently. Some couples (and throuples and polypods) have no problem with everyone knowing everyone else; it’s just a case of “hey we’re all a big friendly social circle and also some of us fuck”. Others prefer to date discreetly or keep their various relationships separate. In the case of True and her boyfriend, they’re the former. Maybe it’d be easier or less stressful if it were the latter. But even if you were seeing her and never having to meet or hang out with her boyfriend, he’s still gonna be in the picture. Even if they’re polyamorous and she can have romantic relationships alongside her relationship with her boyfriend… well, she’s still gonna have her boyfriend.

If you can handle that then hey, there’s nothing wrong with this being a relationship that doesn’t have a long-term future. As I often say, not every love story needs to be an epic poem. Some love stories are meant to be a short story. Some are meant to be a dirty limerick. You can let things be and take this ride to its natural conclusion… if that’s something you’re ok with.

But if you what you’re looking for is monogamy and exclusivity, or the potential for long-term commitment and something casual doesn’t work for you, then the best thing you can do is call it and free yourself to find someone who’s in line with what you need. But I think blocking and ghosting is the wrong approach here. It would be one thing if she were cruel or inconsiderate, or there were some reason you didn’t dare break up with her in person. But it sounds to me like she’s a lovely person who’s been straightforward and honest with you; her only flaw is that she just just doesn’t mesh with you in the ways that you need. I think in this case, you owe her the respect of telling her “Hey, you’re great, but this isn’t right for me.”

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It’s Navigating Muddy Waters, from last year (“Am I Leading On My Ex?” 04/11/19)

Thank you and the community for your advice! They’ve given me strength to deal with my line stepping ex.

I went ‘no contact’ with him but we sometimes see each other at friends’ birthdays. While he’s not hinting at sex with me anymore, he’s offended when he deems me too flirty with common friends. 14 months have passed since I broke up with him, yet still he lies in wait for every smile I throw anyone — this time to be offended rather than hopeful for sex. It’s a lost cause really.

Your advice and the readers’ comments help me not feel guilty about it but rather annoyed with this guy, so: thanks!!!

Clear Sailing Now

DEAR CLEAR SAILING NOW: Hey, awesome! I’m glad to hear you’ve taken some positive steps and enforced your boundaries with your ex.

Thanks for writing in and letting us know how things are going.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com