DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A guy from school that I barely know – we have one class together and don’t even sit beside each other – has been telling my friends and acquaintances about how ‘heartbroken’ he is that I “don’t like him the way he likes me”. Of course my concerned friends and acquaintances have approached me and told me about it – he corners them in line at the cafeteria, or while they’re waiting for the bus, or even when they’re in the library studying, so he can dump his FEELINGS all over them and ask for “advice” about “how to get me to like him”.

They’re freaked out, I’m freaked out, and I don’t know what to do.

Is this guy just trying to dig for information about me in order to gauge his chances? Or is he trying to coerce me into going out with him so he’ll stop harassing my friends and making everyone (including me!) SUPER uncomfortable? I get that, if you’re shy, you might want to test the waters first, but this feels more like a coordinated campaign than some innocent, awkward guy trying to figure out his feelings. Of course he knew that my friends/acquaintances would tell me about his actions and “feelings” so, now that the cat’s out of the bag, apparently I’m supposed to respond. Consequently, it feels manipulative and creepy and now I’m scared and don’t want to go to class. If I say, “Sorry, not interested. Stop hitting up my friends because you’re freaking them out”, I’m guessing that there’s a pretty good chance that it’ll go badly for me and he’ll try to retaliate somehow. If his current M.O. is any indication, he’ll probably spread malicious lies and rumours about me in order to get people in our program ‘on his side’ and make me out as some kind of psycho b*tch who was actually stalking him rather than the other way around.

I have no interest in dating him, though, and don’t respect the way he manipulated my friends into telling me about his feelings on his behalf rather than just nutting up and doing it himself. Should I just ignore him and hope he gets the hint?

(I know this sounds very high school-ish but we’re actually in university. I really didn’t see this coming.)

Thanks for your feedback.

Objection, Hearsay

DEAR OBJECTION, HEARSAY: Not gonna lie, OH; until I got to the end of your letter, I was pretty convinced this was going to be another in the long-running genre of “high-school is hell, don’t worry too much about dating” genre of letters I get. I’m a little surprised — not that surprised, but a little — to find out that you are all in university. There’s always the hope that folks will have, at the very least, learned enough to actually talk to the person they’re trying to date.

You’d think after doing this for all these years, I would’ve learned.

So this is going to sound like a digression, but stick with me. Recently, there’s been a company called Spinner that promises to essentially gaslight someone in your life into doing what you want. Among the various suggested ideas are “Get your ex to take you back,” “convince your partner to initiate sex more”, “convince your parents to buy you a dog” and other, increasingly dubious options. The way they propose to do this is to insert targeted ads into the “Around the web…” ad blocks (er… like the ones I use…) on your target’s browser. So if you, for example, are hoping to convince your ex to come back to you, they’d seed articles about how great sex with your ex is or some such s

t into ads that your target would see. And then, theoretically, even if they never actually click on the ads to see the accompanying article, your target would have seen so many instances of “hey, you should go back to ol’ wozizname” headlines that they’d be subliminally influenced into giving you a second chance.

(In reality, you spent a stupid amount of money to enable being a goddamn creep AND exploit someone’s trust and poor info-sec practices for s

t that doesn’t actually work but hey, let’s not quibble over details.)

I bring this up because honestly? That’s a high-tech version of what this guy is doing: he’s making such a fuss about oh how in luuuuurve he is with you that you can’t NOT hear about it. And since so many movies and pop songs and rom-coms focus on “oh but he cares SO MUCH how could she not be swayed by the depth of his devotion” and then a love to last the ages is born. Any actual intelligence or advice he may get from your friends is a bonus, not the goal. As long as you hear about this and get curious enough to find out more, then he gets what he’s always wanted: a chance to convince you by… I dunno. Just existing. Or promising that nobody would ever care for you the way he does — something that’s easily disproved by getting a dog.

Unfortunately he’s yet to learn a truth that, sadly, many folks haven’t learned yet: if the only thing you have to offer somebody is your affection, that person could get better results by visiting their animal shelter and giving a dog or cat a forever home.

Notice, however, that he’s not talking to you. There’s a reason for that: he knows that if he were to actually put on his big-boy pants and ask you out like a grown-ass adult, you’d say “no”. And possibly “who are you, again?” Not coming to you directly does two things. First, it lets him keep his fantasy that if he just crushes at you hard enough, he’ll eventually reach a tipping point where you’re swayed by just how much he “loves” you, without his having to do anything like “risk rejection” or “have qualities that would make you interested in dating him.” Second: it lets him position himself as The Love-Lorn Hero, the tragic figure who is so pure and true, yet cursed by unrequited love, woe and alack. It’s easier on the ego to feel like you’ve had the s

t kicked out of you by love than it is to admit that not only did you get overly dramatic about a crush, but you didn’t actually do anything in the first place.

Plus, there’s always the chance that some well-intentioned bystander will start pressuring you to give the poor guy a chance because just look at how heartbroken he is, would it be so bad for you to just talk to him? Hence the “WOE IS ME FOR MY HEART IS BROKEN. YOU, STRANGER, TAKE PITY ON A POOR LOST SOUL” dramatics. It’s as much about the performance and his personal narrative as it is about you hearing about it.

Personally, I’m a fan of what the Talmud had to say about what women owe some poor “heartbroken” soul who insists that he’ll just die without her:

“The Gemara notes that Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: There was an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart, to the point that he became deathly ill. And they came and asked doctors what was to be done with him. And the doctors said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse with him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him. The doctors said: She should at least stand naked before him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him. The doctors suggested: The woman should at least converse with him behind a fence in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.”

This dude’s feels are his own responsibility. Not your friends’ and not yours. At the moment, I don’t think your telling him to f

k off is warranted; I’d be more worried about the fact that you had to track him down to tell him would just give him the feeling that hey, maybe this s

t works! Your friends, on the other hand, should start by telling him to leave them the hell alone about this and to quit trying to drag them into his drama. If he keeps bugging them about you, then they can tell him that not only should he leave them the hell alone, but that you aren’t interested, that you aren’t going to be interested and he needs to make like Elsa and let. It. Go.

If he starts bugging you, personally, then I’d say not only tell him to go away, but seriously consider dropping a word to the university. As it is, your giving him any direct attention only reinforces that these tactics work. So unless and until he brings it to you, then your ignoring it denies him the thing he’s desperate to have. Hopefully your friends telling him to go away will be enough that nobody has to break out the Chair Leg of Truth and give him the bad news in a blunter and more direct manner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to have casual sex with women, but it feels like there’s no way a guy can communicate this without being seen as creepy, shamed, or demonized.

Ask her off the bat? “Eww, too forward!”

Ask her after getting to know her? “I don’t see you like that!” followed by all future interactions being tainted and her likely telling anyone we know I’m creepy.

Ask her after sex is on the table or we’ve already had sex? “You are awful, leading me on like that!”

So what are we supposed to do? It’s not like we can read women’s minds and know exactly what they want. How do I get to the point where we can just communicate like adults, and she can say “no thanks” instead of demonizing me for having different desires than her?

To clarify, I’m not looking for something that works 100% on all women at all times, I’m trying to not be seen as evil just for stepping over an invisible line I had no way of knowing even existed.

No Strings On Me

DEAR NO STRINGS ON ME: The answer is pretty simple: you look for folks who want something casual. There are plenty of folks on dating apps who are looking for short term relationships or don’t want anything serious. Similarly, being up front about what you are and aren’t up for makes it easier for the folks looking for some no-strings, casual fun to find you.

But before you do that, I think you need to take a moment and stop anticipating fights that haven’t actually happened. You give me a list of things you expect to happen or imagine happening… but not experiences you’ve actually had. You’re coming to this under the assumption that you’re going to end up in trouble for wanting a casual hook-up and that’s going to color the way you interact with people and ultimately drive them off.

The thing to keep in mind is that lots of women would be up for a casual hook-up; it’s just that most of the time it’s not worth it for them because the guys who are also looking for casual sex are likely to call them sluts and whores for having the same sex that they wanted. Women are much more interested in sleeping with a guy who’s discrete, polite, safe and non-judgmental. That’s a guy who’s far more likely to care about their pleasure and fulfillment and not be an asshole to them immediately afterwards.

So if you want to start finding folks who are down for a one night stand or a f

kbuddy relationship, start by coming to it from a place of collaboration. Here’s what you’re into and what you bring  to the table, here’s what they’re looking for and what they bring, what happens when the two of you put those things together? Once you can get into that mindset, then it’s time to start looking around on OKCupid or Tinder or FetLife and seeing who’s around and who’s down to get down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is that I’ve been in a relationship with “Angela” for the past 3 1/2 years. Some of that was long distance and the other was live in. There is a 10 year age difference, I’m 38, she 28. We come from different backgrounds and cultures. To get to the point. When we met, within a short period of time she knew that I had religious ties to an organization in my past. I even have a tattoo associated with this belief. In the beginning and basically for the past 3 years she hasn’t really had any objections until recently. Now, it’s a huge problem. She gets so angry that I believe in something she thinks is ridiculous and can’t understand why I just don’t see her point of view and give it up or be less religious. I should add, I’m perfectly tolerant of her atheism, I have no issue with her and don’t get upset with her about it. Live and let live is my motto. This is why it’s so hard to hear the things she says and it causes huge arguments because I, according to her don’t change my belief. Today it has come to a crunch, where I basically had to argue chapter 18 of the charter of Human Rights that gives me the right to believe what I want. She still doesn’t get it and blames it on me.

What do I do?

Man Of Faith

DEAR MAN OF FAITH: What do you do? You break the f

k up with her, right the hell now.

It’s one thing to not be a fan of organized religion personally; it’s another to berate and insult other people because they are.2 This is doubly true when it comes to your3 partner in a relationship. You may not share their belief (or lack thereof). You may even think that it’s absurd. You don’t even have to respect their beliefs, but if you love and care for them and want the relationship to work then you need to respect that they believe that way. If you’re both intractably set in your ways, being willing to live and let live is going to be key to lasting happiness.

But when one partner uses their faith or (again) lack thereof as a cudgel to start fights and insult their partner? It’s time to peace the f

k out.

The problem here isn’t your faith or her atheism, it’s her. It would be one thing if this were an occasional (good-natured) debate, or if you could disagree without it escalating to full-scale arguments. Hell, if it hadn’t been escalating, I’d say maybe you two could work things out and find a sort of detente, an agree-to-disagree arrangement and just politely pretending the difference isn’t there. But the fact that she is continually bringing your faith up and attacking you for not abandoning it? That’s abusive behavior, it’s getting worse and it’s time to get the f

k out.

This isn’t about the incompatibility of different beliefs. This is about one partner abusing the other and this isn’t going to get better.

Dump her. Dump her right now. You deserve better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m seeking some advise regarding a good friend of mine who I’m worried about. Some background detail: I’m a woman in my mid 20’s, married. My friend, “Tom”, is a man in his mid 20’s who has serious issues with women.

Tom and I grew up together. Now, Tom has never been the best at empathy. I remember when we were kids, he bullied other kids sometimes (never me). As a teen, Tom began to tease people and make sexist or politically charged jokes–and then struggle to understand when feelings got hurt (he still does this–he says he likes to “stir the pot”). Tom’s not a bad guy–he is genuine, honest, and trustworthy. But his weakness with empathy seems to stem from a lack of emotional intelligence.

Tom has wanted a wife for years. See, Tom and I come from a culture where it’s expected that you date to marry, abstain from sex until marriage, and marry young. Contrary to mainstream culture in the USA, in our culture, it is very common for people to date for 1-6 months and then rush to the altar. Tom is very immersed in this cultural narrative–he is desperate to find a woman to be his future wife, date her briefly, and marry her.

Tom has been in a frenzy of dating, desperate to find his future wife. Being able to find a wife is a big part of masculinity in our culture. Tom, who is fairly rigid in holding himself to masculine ideals, is definitely affected by this. However, as you know, desperation SHOWS, even when people try to hide it.

Tom goes on a date or two with a woman, becomes instantly and deeply emotionally invested in her, texts her constantly, feels that he may have finally found the One, the great and future Wife…. and then is really, really hurt when she either ghosts him, or tells him she sees him as a friend. I’ve tried to tell him he’s scaring them off, his male friends have tried to tell him the same… to no avail. And Tom has started to hate women.

Tom 100% blames the women who ghost him or don’t want to continue dating him. He believes they led him on; or they were too immature; or they were vicious jerks. Remember when I said Tom was bad at empathy? Yeah. He seems completely incapable of empathizing with the women he dates when they reject him. And this lack of empathy is spreading to Women In General. He makes comments about women being emotionally manipulative, and just out to hurt men. He sneers at the Me Too movement and insinuates that those women actually wanted the sex, and then lied about it to tear the men down. The sexist jokes he made as a teenager, just to get under people’s skin? As an adult, he seems to actually believe them. When I or his male friends call him out on it, he backtracks and says he was just joking. (Ironically, he does not include ME in this assessment of women, since I have “Just One Of The Guys” status).

Since Tom has been so unsuccessful in finding The Wife among women of our culture in the States (he does not date outside the culture), he has begun an online relationship with a woman from another country. This woman shares our cultural background, but she doesn’t speak English well. Tom, being raised in the States, doesn’t speak her language well. They make it work, but communication over text PLUS a language barrier? Poor woman doesn’t have a clue what she’s getting into. Tom’s planning on flying her to the States to live with his parents and marry him (his parents are OK with this, since their background is from her country).

I, my husband, and Tom’s other friends, see a disaster in the making. I think this woman is going to run home screaming when she meets Tom in person and feels The Cringe. I think Tom is going to blame her for it, and view her as another Manipulative Woman leading him on. Only this will be worse, because Tom’s more invested this time. And, honestly? I’m not sure where Tom got the ideas he has about women in the first place. Although our culture is in some ways very conservative, women are viewed highly as spiritual leaders and sexism is discouraged by male and female cultural leaders alike. So… I don’t know. Got any insights?

Sincerely,

Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: I’m not gonna mince words here WF: I’m not entirely sure that your friend is as good of a guy as you say he is. The fact that he’s consistently been a bully and s

tty edgelord — even if it wasn’t to you — doesn’t exactly incline me to think of him in the most positive light. It’s certainly possible, even likely, that his emotional intelligence isn’t the greatest… but I find it hard to believe he actually doesn’t understand the concept that being an asshole to people is hurtful. And even if it was just him being a s

tty edgelord who says things to get a rise out of people… well, it’s like Vonnegut said in Mother Night: “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” Doing things ironically or because you’re trolling doesn’t make them any less s

tty. Ironic racism and sexism is still racism and sexism. You can roll your eyes while you f

k a goat, but you’re still balls-deep in an ungulate.

Now I don’t think it’s much of a mystery where Tom’s gotten some of these ideas. I can all but guarantee you that if you were to look at his Internet history, you’d be seeing a whole lot of Red Pill, alt-right and alt-lite websites and YouTube channels. It may have started off as “I only like these for the memes”, but as we’ve seen: outrage powers the Internet and the algorithms that power Facebook, YouTube, and other social media sites love to show you how deep the radicalizing rabbit hole goes. Even if these beliefs are looked down on in your culture, the confirmation bias and feeling that “oh THESE people understand” spoke to his inner desire to believe that everyone is as edgy and bitter as he is.

So look, the fact that Tom’s been doing this consistently for what seems to be his whole life  makes his descent into being a hateful s

tbird more or less inevitable. Doubly so because there haven’t been any meaningful consequences for him yet. Especially consequences for his actions that he can see as being the results of his behavior.

I mean, let’s look at the way he’s driving women off. He doesn’t make the connection between his s

tty attitude and the fact that, frankly, women don’t want to have anything to do with him. But I don’t think the problem is a lack of empathy so much as an unwillingness to look at anything other than his own interests. It has less to do with being willing to empathize with others and more than he’s stewing in a vat of his own entitlement and s

tty attitude. Since women are ghosting him — and honestly I can’t blame them — he isn’t getting the news that hey, act like a jerk, get dumped with a quickness. Instead, he gets to make up his own self-serving reasons. Reasons which, let’s be real, just serve to justify is own continuing s

ttiness.

I think you’re right: I think his current attempt at a relationship is going to end badly. And just between you, me and everyone reading this: I’d put some serious thought into warning this poor woman about what she’s about to get into. It may suck for Tom to get ghosted AGAIN, but this way it won’t come at the cost of an international flight and the pressure of going through with a relationship that’s just every different kind of bad news.

The only thing that’s really going to help him is a moment of stunning self-awareness. Possibly aided by the firm application of The Chair Leg of Truth upside his head. And as much as I hate to say this: if you want to see him change, then you’re probably going to have to be the one to wield it. Calling him out on his bulls

t is only the start; you have to keep at it and refuse to let him off the hook. When he starts to make his “well I was just joking” excuses, then you have to lean into it. Ask him to explain it. “OK so what’s the joke? What’s the punchline. How was this funny?”  The same goes for when he goes off about how #MeToo ruined things (it didn’t): how, exactly, did these women tear someone down? Who’s actually faced real consequences from it? How many people have lost their jobs or become destitute because of it?

More importantly though, is that you need to make it clear to him that you find his behavior and his attitude unacceptable. Explain to him, in no uncertain terms, that it’s his behavior that’s driving women away. He’s not like this because he’s lonely, he’s lonely because he’s like this. To quote a very wise woman:

“You’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an a

hole.”

Calling him out, telling him that you’re not willing to put up with it or have him express such things in your presence is important — both for your own emotional health and to make him recognize that he doesn’t get a free pass just because “he’s only joking”. And if he keeps up with it? Then I think you’d be better off being one more in a string of people who’ve left him in the dirt.

But, straight talk: fixing him IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It’s not on you to make him a better person, especially when he’s devoted this much of his life to being an asshole. It’s admirable that you care and want to try to fix things but that requires him wanting to be fixed and being willing to put in the work himself. And honestly, not only does he not want to be fixed, he doesn’t think there’s a problem in the first place. And as much as you’ve been exempt from his bulls

t, it’s really only a matter of time before he decides you’re as bad as the rest of those evil wimminzes.

Will any of this change his mind? No, probably not. Folks who feel this way tend to have an extensive series of emotional defense mechanisms that keep them from ever admitting the truth. But it will, at the very least, put him in the uncomfortable position of having to recognize how very shallow his beliefs are and how little people are willing to put up with it.

Maybe the knowledge that being a s

t has cost him relationships, including a friend who’s been with him since childhood, might — might — make him think twice.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com