DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just watched your video on toxic relationships, and I’m a bit torn. I think I’m in a somewhat special kind of toxic relationship that sort of falls into a bit of a grey area with regard to the scenarios you went through in your video. Let me try to explain what I mean by that: I am in a long-term committed relationship (married 12 years, together 14). From the start, there have been some issues between us. They may appear like a variety of different things, but to my mind they all come down to a fundamental problem with communication.

For as long as I’ve known her, though I’ve only recognized the pattern over time, my wife has been unable to express her desires. This ranges from very small things, like if and when to go see a movie, to obviously giant topics like sex. By default, she’ll be vague and non-committal to the point that I end up having to make almost every decision in our relationship, big or small. And, quite frequently, I find out only quite a ways down the line (sometimes days, sometimes weeks or even months later) that I apparently made the “wrong” decision, made her do something she didn’t really want to do or in a way she didn’t want to do it, and that she’s been upset with me for that ever since. And, in the rare case that she does actually tell me what she wants to do, it’s clearly such a big deal to her (not necessarily the thing itself, but just voicing it) that it’s virtually impossible for me in that situation to tell her if I don’t want to do that thing exactly the way she wants to do it without her then getting upset over that. Conversely, she assumes that she can read my mind, always knows what I “really want” (without talking to me about it or, in some cases, flat-out ignoring some actual thing I said when I expressed a desire of my own), and regularly just tries to quietly adapt to that.

I have told her many, many times that I hate both of those dynamics. That I want or, rather, really need her to find ways of routinely expressing her wishes and desires, and to actually hear me when I express mine. That, without this as a baseline, we both essentially never really get what we want, because it’s impossible to ever find any sort of consensus or at least compromise unless we first have a mutual understanding of what our respective needs and wants actually are in any given situation. For one thing, our sex life has gradually come to a point of being virtually non-existent, which I would say is mainly the result of her getting bored, which is not really surprising if she never really gets what she wants, because I never really know what that is. But that’s really only one aspect of it.

The reason your video on toxic relationships triggered this letter is that I feel that, the way you describe some of the warning signs, we could both be seen as being “toxic” in this context to some extent. For instance, I’m frequently the one who’s in a way trying to force “reasonable” discussions about her/our wants and needs. That’s because I genuinely want to know what it is she wants because I worry that she never gets it and I know for sure (from conflicts after the fact) that that does understandably make her unhappy. But if you look at our relationship from the outside, without knowing much about this dynamic, and quite likely also from her perspective, I’m pretty sure that I’m the one who looks like he’s dominating (I always get what I want or at least what she thinks I want, after all), and the one who’s more openly frustrated with the situation, whereas she appears like the person constantly giving and giving in. But I honestly feel myself that her behavior is also toxic in the way that she effectively forces me into a position that I don’t want to be in by flat-out refusing to openly and honestly talk to me, and also by frequently making assumptions about what I want based on some imagined persona she’s created of me that I’m sure is at least in part informed by a good degree of resentment that stems from me unwittingly but inevitably “ignoring” her wishes all the time.

I’ve tried things like flat-out refusing to make a decision for the both of us in some situations or, more positively and proactively, suggesting new routines where everyone has “their day” to plan out without any input from the other person. And we’ve actually even tried couples’ therapy a few times, centered mainly on this issue (and some of the things that arise from it). But none of it has really helped. And, for a while now, I’ve been pretty much at my wits end and honestly just very exhausted. And, as you may have read between the lines of the previous paragraph, I’m also pretty unhappy that I may be coming off to other people (and, in a way, even to her) as the jerk here, as the guy who always decides everything and doesn’t give a s

t about her feelings. And that also genuinely bugs me. Not so much because of outward appearances, but because that really isn’t the person I want to be and actually, to my mind, not the person that I am. And that leaves me feeling pretty helpless and unhappy myself.

Boom! There you have it. Any advice, Doc?

Poison Tester

DEAR POISON TESTER: I’m not gonna lie, PT: I’m kind of at a loss over how you and your wife have managed to last 14 years together, when this has been a part of your relationship that entire time. I can’t decide whether it’s a testimony to your commitment to one another or if the two of you are in a weird mutual hostage situation and neither of you can figure out a way to end the standoff.

I don’t think what you have is a toxic relationship, certainly not in the way we usually think of them. What I think you have is a deeply dysfunctional relationship where everyone is miserable and nobody seems to be willing to take any steps to fix things. Your dynamic is as perfect a recipe for resentment and bitterness as any I’ve ever seen; frankly, I’m somewhat amazed that you two don’t spend half your day fighting over all the things you both did wrong.

The issue here seems to be that your wife seems to expect that you should be able to read her mind the way that she can “read” yours. This is, unfortunately, not an uncommon issue in a lot of relationships. Many times people — men and women both —  assume that if their partner truly loved or understood them, that they would just instinctively or automatically know what it is that they want or need. They treat it as the yardstick by which they measure their partner’s devotion… and they inevitably get upset when their partner, quite understandably, fails to measure up. Frankly the idea that words are unnecessary and that someone should know you so well and intimately that they can anticipate everything you might want or need without your having to say anything is corrosive to a relationship. The unwillingness to communicate one’s wants is a great way to leave everyone unhappy. One common example of this is when one person will agree to something, hoping that their partner will intuit that they actually don’t want it and hope that they’ll choose not to follow through. Or, as in your case, one partner will make their decisions based on the version of the person in their head… which may not bear any resemblance to reality.

But not only is this a horrible way to actually get your needs met, but it’s deeply unfair to the person that is trying to live up to these impossible standards. It’s utterly unreasonable to get upset at someone for not reading your mind and divining exactly what you want and how you wanted it. You have  set them up for a Kobiyashi Maru situation, where there is no win condition and the only question is just how are you going to fail.

Even if it’s an issue of where she can’t express herself, rather than won’t, it’s still an absolute s

tshow of a way to try to make a relationship work. And frankly, it doesn’t sound like this relationship has been working for quite some time. It would be one thing if it seemed like your wife were making any efforts towards resolving things, but it seems to me like she either doesn’t see this as a problem or as something that she can (or will) do anything about. And that’s not good; that makes it impossible for you two to resolve these issues. More than just couples therapy, your wife needs to talk to a therapist or counselor on her own. If this really is an issue of being unable to advocate for her own interests or needs, then she needs to dig into why this is the case and work towards undoing it.

Frankly, PT, I think if you’re going to be making all the decisions anyway, then you need to decide that her seeing a therapist is going to be a condition for continuing to be in this marriage at all. Because right now, this dynamic is turning your marriage into a Death By A Thousand Cuts and it’s going to destroy your soul as well as any love or respect you have for one another. This has been going on for fourteen years — FOURTEEN YEARS! — and it ain’t changing. So unless you want to deal with this for ANOTHER fourteen years or longer, then you need to draw a line: either she starts to work on this issue… or you get a divorce. The current status quo is only going to drive the two of you further and further apart, and in that case, it’d be kinder to you both to end things now instead of letting it drag out to its inevitable conclusion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. Recently, I have been questioning if I should break up with him or not.

My boyfriend is a year older than me and graduated college last year. I am currently a senior in college and moving onto my second semester. Next year he will be going to vet school and I will move back home to live with my parents to save money so we will have to do long distance for a year minimum. My boyfriend did not go to the same college as me, so our friend groups are completely different.

As we have been dating, I have noticed my friends have stopped inviting me out. It is partially my fault since I have put my boyfriend first. I have found it extremely difficult to balance my friends with my boyfriend. He is introverted so when we go out, he’s not as social as me and I feel that I have to stay be his side. He is an extremely nice guy and always puts me first. I fear breaking up with him because I am afraid l will not find someone as nice as him. I also fear that I am losing my friends for a relationship that might not even work out. I have tried to breakup with him before, but I broke down and couldn’t do it.

When we first started dating, I hated spending time apart from him and now I don’t mind it. I feel that I am keeping him around more because I am scared of being alone.

However, when I go out with my friends and not him, I have a great time and often think about being with other people. I am very conflicted and do not know what to do. My friends want me to breakup with him because they say they don’t see me anymore. But I don’t want to just listen to their advice, because they are biased, because they do not like how he is not part of our friend group.

Help!

Torn and Twisted

DEAR TORN AND TWISTED: So there’s a few issues buried in this.

First is the fact that your friends aren’t crazy about your boyfriend and how that’s affecting how you feel. While it’s good for our partners to fit in with our friends — especially if they’re going to be around for a while — it’s not the most important thing to consider. Your friends not liking someone can be a significant warning sign… but it can also be a false alarm. If they see, for example, that your partner treats you poorly and they’re worried about you, that’s one thing. If they don’t like him because they don’t approve of the guy or think you’d be a better match with someone else… well, that’s a different matter entirely.

And while people often feel like they need all of their social circles to be this large, overlapping Venn Diagram, having friendships and social circles that are strictly your own is actually important to the health, success and longevity of the relationship. One of the biggest mistakes that couples often make is relying solely on one another for their social and emotional needs, which ends up putting an absurd amount of stress on their partners and the relationship as a whole.

Now it’s understandable that your friends are upset that you’ve been spending more time with your partner than with them; they care for you want don’t like feeling like you’re being “taken away” by your new beau. At the same time, however, it’s pretty much a cliche for people to get caught up in the thrill of the new when they’re with a new partner. All that dopamine and oxytocin ricochetting through your brain means that you’re literally drugged by being in their presence; you’re getting high from being around them and you want to keep that good feeling going. Then as the novelty wears off, the hedonic adaptation kicks in and our brains quit producing quite as much dopamine… you start being a little less twitterpated and remembering that oh yeah, it’s been a bit since you’ve hung out with the squad, huh?

In an ideal world, we don’t get SO caught up that we neglect our friends… but when you’re young, it’s hard to keep a level head when you’re dealing with that New Relationship smell.

Next is the question of whether you would ever find someone else as great as him and honestly? Yes. Yes you would. If you were to break up with him, you would unquestionably meet someone new and awesome. Not because your boyfriend isn’t great or treats you like a queen — I’m sure he does — but because he’s not the only guy out there. To quote Tim Minchin:

Your love is one in a million

(One in a million)

You couldn’t buy it at any price

(Can’t buy love)

But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves

Statistically, some of them would be equally nice

Letting a fear of being alone keep you in a relationship is a mistake; it’s better to be alone because you’re alone than it is to be alone because you’re with the wrong person. And while breaking up with him — if that’s what you decide to do — would suck, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. As I’m always telling my male readers: as amazing as this person is, there will be others out there who are just as amazing.

But to be perfectly frank, it doesn’t really sound like breaking up is in the cards or something that actually needs to happen. Your biggest conflict here — such as it is — is that he’s going on to grad school and you’ve still got at least half a semester to go in your undergrad program. That’s not exactly an insurmountable problem. Yeah, you would have to do the long-distance thing… but it’s not like this is the 1910s and Johnny is going off to the wars.  It’ll take some work, sure… but all relationships do. Plus, there’s the fact that, while it may seem like forever right now, a year is really not that long in the scheme of things, especially when that time apart doesn’t also mean that you’re going to be completely incommunicado. You’re in a position where it’s not an incredible trial to stay in contact or see one another at regularly scheduled intervals, and having a distinct end date — one year — makes it that much easier to grit your teeth and power through it.

It sounds to me like the decision to break up is more based on “well, what if we can’t see each other every day?” rather than any real internal or external conflict that would make staying together untenable.

While I’m personally not crazy about LDRs, there’s really no reason why one wouldn’t work for you, especially one that’s relatively short term. If you care for each other and you’re willing to put in the effort to get past the difficulties that come with long-distance relationships, I don’t see any reason not to keep things going.

And honestly… if you do decide to break up for the time you’re going to be apart, there’s no reason you can’t circle back around to one another and get back together when you’re able to live in the same city again. If you’re right for one another now, there’s no reason the two of you wouldn’t be right for each other a year from now.

Ultimately, it’s up to you and whether you decide this relationship is worth the effort it’ll take.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a young woman and I recently began working at a new job. Right from my first day working there, the confident popular co-worker, who is kind of a “bad boy”, (I’m going to call him C to make this quicker) showed interest in me. C was kind to me, flirted with me, always tried to touch me, and just did all the types of things you’d associate with attraction. I didn’t like him back though, if anything I kind of resented him for giving me all this extra attention when all I wanted to do was to be left alone. I can be quite shy and socially-awkward when I’m first meeting new people and am adjusting to a new environment.

However, as I continually showed zero interest in C, he persisted;  although his efforts became less and less, it never went away. Later on, C was going through some personal issues, and he became very withdrawn and quiet. Eventually, he snapped out of it, but when he did his feelings for me seem to have disappeared. Also, during this period I had become much more confident and comfortable with my surroundings.

Although he pays some special attention to me now (not much), it is nothing compared to how much he used to. Lately, I’ve been thinking I might have some feelings for C, I miss the way he used to treat me. Does C still like me and is just giving me a taste of my own medicine by playing hard to get? Or has he really just lost interest? Does he not like me anymore because I’ve become less shy?

What should I do?

Thanks,

Hunted Becomes The Hunter

DEAR HUNTED BECOMES THE HUNTER: So before I get to your letter HTH, I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here. Because frankly there’re few dating strategies that make me twitch uncontrollably more than “playing hard to get”.

Now there’s some legitimate science behind the strategy; obstacles in the path to fulfillment tend to make us crave it more. And, in fairness, using a little “want this? Can’t have it…” is a useful tool when it comes to flirting. Building rapport then breaking it is a way of building sexual tension and increasing excitement until you’ve both reached the bursting point. However, there quickly comes a point where it goes from a flirty tease to a pointless exercise in trying to maintain an air of artificial scarcity for ultimately bulls

t reasons. The infamous “Rules” for example, insisted that being too available — which is to say, wanting to see someone as much as they wanted to see you — would inevitably diminish men’s interest in women. Similarly, men get taught that showing interest in women they want to date or sleep with gives up some vital advantage, because “who cares less, has the power”.

Honestly, the older I get, the less time and patience I have with these sorts of games. While playful teasing and utilizing a push-pull dynamic during flirting can be a powerful and useful technique for building attraction, throwing up artificial barriers only serves to hinder communication and makes people miserable in the process. Folks who play hard to get tend to get very surprised when the people take “not interested” for an answer and move on.

Which brings us back around to your friend C. I don’t think he’s playing hard to get or giving you a taste of your own medicine; I think he — finally — took your lack of interest for an answer and decided to quit hitting on you.

I mean, for weeks you were giving him him negative feedback. You made it clear that you weren’t interested and likely were giving off some serious “knock it the f

k off/touch me again and you pull back a bloody stump” vibes. Even for someone who’s only flirting for fun, there’s inevitably going to come a point where they hear “p*ss off” and decide to take it seriously.

(There’s a discussion to be had about just how long C was hanging in there and the appropriateness of his behavior in a professional setting, but that’s another column entirely).

And just between you, me and everyone reading this: it’s a little unfair to turn around and say “wait, I don’t want the flirting to stop” after you spent all that time telling him you weren’t interested. I get that you take time to warm up to folks and needed to adjust to a new environment… but he doesn’t know that. He just knows that you haven’t appreciated his flirty behavior and he’s decided to dial it back. Maybe his personal crisis had something to do with it, maybe someone in HR had a very pointed conversation with him, who knows. The point is: if you want him to know that you kinda like the flirting now and want it to start up again… well, you’re gonna have to let him know. Think of it like a stand-offish cat letting its human that maybe it’s ready for some light head scratches; you want him to know that hey, you’re cool with a little flirting now.

How do you do that? Well, while you could signal that you’re cool with it by responding more positively to what flirting he does now… the better option is to simply use your words. You can let him know that you needed to acclimate to your new job and you’re the sort of person who needs to get comfortable before you’re able to handle a lot of attention. You can also let him know that hey, you’re actually ok with a little more flirting now and that you even miss it a little. Then you take a step back and let him decide what his next step is going to be. If it’s a case that he’s lost interest… well this is something that can be chalked up to unfortunate timing. But if he is still interested, then now he knows he has a green light for continuing and he can begin giving you attention in the ways you’re ready to receive.

But none of that can happen unless the two of you actually clear the air. Someone’s gonna have to make the first move here. Might as well be you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com