DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a regular reader of your column, and while we may not agree on everything, I value the genuine empathy you have for your audience and thank you for taking my message.

I’m a 26 year old virgin for a number of reasons: a conservative upbringing, delayed interest in the opposite sex, body image issues to name a few. Despite my issues with women, I have strong relationships with my family, several close friends, and a fascinating job on Wall Street where I feel highly valued by my superiors and colleagues.

While I initially started college far from home and generally had the “traditional college experience” my freshman year, after a year, complications relating to homesickness, an ill (but long since recovered) relative and some financial concerns resulted in me transferring to a state university where I commuted from home and worked about 30 hours a week on top of that. I didn’t get socially involved at my new school, aside from a couple networking clubs relating to my major/career path.

Since graduating college, I’ve dealt with the same increased isolation typical of most people my age. Work keeps me fairly busy (typically 50-60 hours per week in addition to my commute back home) and my friends have largely scattered across the country and around the world. I’m by no means unique in this regard.

About two years ago, I met a young woman (let’s call her Peach) through a video game discussion forum and we initially formed a casual virtual friendship through Twitter and Snapchat. Our chats were platonic at first, about common interests including gaming, music and politics; over time, she virtually introduced me to one of her close IRL friends (let’s call her Zelda) and I started talking to both of them. While I find both of them attractive and intelligent, I know they live on the other side of the country, so nothing would realistically happen with either. Not to mention, both are about 4 years younger than me.

A little over a year ago, I was home alone late on a Friday night when I messaged Zelda randomly. In our conversation, she complained about the struggle of being a broke college student during the holiday season, when I got the nefarious idea that maybe I could help her out. I don’t think she expected me to proposition her that way, but I offered her money to sext and trade pictures with me and she agreed. I figured that word would get out to Peach sooner rather than later, so I ended up making her the same offer.

Since then, in addition to our regular conversations, I typically sext with both of them (individually) about once a month, and while it’s surely not money I can’t afford to lose, I’ve spent several hundred dollars on this over the past year.

I’m not under any delusions that anything would come out of this other than me blowing off steam. Both of them ask me for advice about guys, and I know that they’re both actively dating and hooking up (albeit with some social awkwardness) at their respective colleges. They’ve been up front with me that they’re in this primarily for the financial incentive. They’ve told me there would be no hard feelings if I was to stop, although I would probably begin to break contact with them in order to move forward.

I know within my heart that I need to stop this, that it goes against the values I wish to have, and I feel guilty as hell for even starting. I feel entitled and exploitative; moreover, I’m afraid that if I should ever find myself become an A-list name for any reason, even with my current track record, I’m on the fast track to being #MeTooed. Further, since we all know one another’s names and whatever details we share via Twitter, it’s possible that either of them (if they were so inclined) could hold this over my head.

At the same time, I attribute my inexperience as a contributing factor to this. While I know I shouldn’t feel this way and that it’s antiquated, like most adult virgins, I realize I subconsciously feel like less of a man until I prove that I can attract a woman. Although I don’t generally feel lonely in my regular life – I keep myself busy with work, friends, the gym, movies, volunteering and the like – I couldn’t shake the late night romantic loneliness and horniness, so I kept going back to the well in order to somewhat try and fill the void.

It’s recently dawned on me that Peach and Zelda probably think I’m pathetic or laugh at me behind my back, and I’m quickly finding myself able to divorce the fantasies from the reality of my situation. More importantly, I’m afraid that they only agreed to do this because I made them nervous, uncomfortable, etc and somehow creep them out. I would rather not make any woman scared in my presence going forward.

This finally brings me to my question: assuming I’m able to break this habit and not relapse or try it again with another woman, how do I move forward? Can I really just move on with my life and pretend this never happened with women I meet in the future? If I confess this to someone I date in the future, I assume she’d take off running, that I’d be branded a pathetic creep, or worse yet, predatory. I’m afraid to even bring this up with friends or parents, let alone someone I know less intimately.

When I brought this up with Peach and Zelda, they suggested I forgive myself and just learn from it which doesn’t help me much from a tangible standpoint. I’ve considered volunteering with a women’s shelter or the like in the future, but I feel people would assume I’m there for the wrong reasons.

I realize I’m rambling here, but my ultimate question is how do I repent? Do I even deserve another shot at dating? If so, how long should I wait?

Thanks for all you do,

New Decade, New Me

DEAR NEW DECADE, NEW ME: So there’s a lot to unpack here, NDME, but I think we can start with this simple truth: you are really blowing s

t out of proportion here. You’re letting your weird feelings over this twist everything up into really bizarre places and you’re ultimately putting together 1 + 1 and getting “fish”.

Here’s what happens if we strip out your feelings of guilt and shame: you asked two friends — friends who were having financial issues during the holiday season — if they were interested in a specific form of sex work. They decided that they were ok with this and since then you’ve been giving them money in exchange for their services.

That’s it.

This isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you’re making, my dude. Things might’ve potentially gotten awkward if Peach and Zelda weren’t ok with the idea, but hey, you got lucky on that score. You didn’t coerce anyone into doing something they didn’t want to do, you’re not exploiting anyone (at least, any more than capitalism exploits everyone) and you’re still on good terms with everyone involved. Everyone’s clear on what this means — you’re getting sexy texts and pictures, they’re getting money — everyone’s cool with the arrangement and they’re totally fine with things if you want to stop.

I mean, fundamentally speaking, this isn’t really different from signing onto a cosplayer’s Patreon because they do lewds and nudes or paying to be part of a porn star’s private Snapchats. The only real difference here is that you’re the one who suggested it to them first. Which, again: potentially awkward, but not entirely out of bounds depending on the relationship you have with them and the things they’re into and/or ok with. I’ve known plenty of folks who’ve decided to go into various forms of sex-work — camming, stripping, lewd cosplay — for a multitude of reasons. Some folks did it for the money, some did it for the thrills, some did it because it’s a way they express their sexuality… but for a lot of them, it took someone else bringing up the idea first.

Seeing as Peach and Zelda cool with the arrangement, are still cool with you and are also giving you the go ahead if you feel like you need to stop, I think you can let yourself off the hook. Because, honestly? The issues you’re having have far more to do with how you are viewing yourself than the situation.

I mean, all of this is pretty clearly coming from a place of self-loathing. The idea that Peach and Zelda only did this because you made them feel nervous is honestly kind of absurd on the face of it. If they were creeped out by you or felt weird about it, they wouldn’t have gone along with it in the first place and they sure as hell wouldn’t be continuing to keep a fairly normal friendship with you outside of it. They could’ve shut you down, told you to f

k off, blocked you and otherwise made it abundantly clear that they weren’t down with this. It’s not like you were holding a gun to their head, threatening to release the pics they already sent or were the only thing standing between them and penury. This was — and continues to be — an entirely voluntary and by all accounts, completely mutually consensual relationship.

At the same time, you’re convinced that they’re laughing at you behind your back or that they think you’re pathetic. I mean… which is it? Are they laughing at you, or are they creeped out by you and doing this under duress in order to keep you sweet?

But more to the point: sex workers generally don’t think of their clients as sad or pathetic or laughable. For the most part, it’s the same as any customer/provider relationship, and many folks doing sex-work have legitimate affection for their regulars, not disdain and pity.

(Well, unless you’re actually paying for that, but seeing as you’re not paying for a findom relationship, that’s a different ball of wax entirely).

Frankly, I think you might do well to follow various sex-workers on Twitter. Getting a better feel for them on the whole, seeing them as people with jobs and how they talk about their clients and customers might help change your perspective on all of this.

On the same tip, you’ve apparently created this idea that they hate you and might blackmail you or decide to just out you because F

k YOU THAT’S why out of whole cloth. Ignoring the fact that outing you would also out them — and society is FAR harsher on women who are sexual or perform sex work than it is on the guys involved — they’ve given you no reason to think this would ever cross their minds. They’ve told you that it’s totally fine if you decide you need to stop and they’ve told you that you should forgive yourself about this. These are not the actions of blackmailers-in-potentia, they’re the actions of people who are letting you know that everything’s fine.

Similarly, you’re really getting the point of the #MeToo movement wrong. #MeToo isn’t about demolishing guys who were a little awkward, asked out someone who wasn’t interested or punishing people who engaged in a consensual relationship involving sex-work. It’s about women drawing attention to how ubiquitous sexual assault and sexual harassment is in our society and how survivors are shamed into silence. It’s quite literally people speaking up and saying “Not only do I believe this person but this happened to me, too”. Your guilt — guilt that’s apparently unfounded — has blown all of this up to epic proportions when ultimately it’s having all of the impact of a gentle fart in your life and some extra spending cash in theirs.

So with all of this in mind, what should you do?

Well, to start with, I think you should end the financial side of your relationship with them. Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because, frankly, you’re twisting yourself up in knots over this for no good reason. Ending sexy-Snapchat-for-pay side of your relationship will give you one less thing to be flagellating yourself for. I don’t think you need to end your friendship with them, but you do whatever you gotta do.

But the next thing I think you need to do is stop isolating yourself so much. You mention you’ve got work, you volunteer, you’ve got your friends and so-forth… but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually dating or trying to meet people to date. That, I think, is something you may want to prioritize, if only to help you feel less lonely or helpless.

It will also help you learn to forgive yourself, which, straight talk, you need to do. Peach and Zelda are right: forgiving yourself (for something that doesn’t really require forgiveness, but anyway) is going to be more important than whatever performative moral carbon off-set you decide to do.

Part of why you’re feeling guilty about all of this is because you feel like you’ve taken the shortcut on sexual connections; you couldn’t “earn” it, so you decided to “cheat” and that somehow makes you pathetic. But like I’ve told multiple older virgins: the fact that someone’s slept with you doesn’t mean you’ve “earned” anything. Hell, there’re plenty of times that their deciding to sleep with you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.  The fact that you hooked up with someone you just met at a bar doesn’t mean that you were “chosen”, that you’d “earned” anything or that you were the best possible choice in a room full of dudes. Sometimes the reason why someone slept with you is because you were the nearest, least-objectionable warm body.

You didn’t jump the line or cheat the system by engaging with sex workers,  or even suggesting it to your friends. You just found a way of scratching an itch. The problem is that you’ve decided that this means that you’re the lowest of the low for doing so.

But folks who pay sex-workers aren’t all patheti-sad dudes who can’t get laid any other way. Some have needs that their partners can’t or won’t need, some have fantasies they want realized, some simply want the convenience and the cleanliness of a one-and-done interaction. You were lonely and horny and wanted both a release and a connection. That’s completely understandable. The way you went about it was wrong for you, seeing as how worked up it’s made you, but in and of itself it’s not that big of a deal.

So yes, forgive yourself for this, then go ahead and stuff the whole thing down the memory hole. There’s really no reason to continue flagellating yourself over this or to feel like it’s some deep dark secret you’re obligated to disclose. You didn’t do anything wrong, exploitative or heinous. You helped out some friends financially and got some sexy thrills in exchange. That’s not really a big deal by any stretch of the imagination.

If you feel the need to atone, then here’s your penance: hie thyself over to the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ referral directory and find a counselor in your area. Make an appointment with them and spend some time talking with them about your issues surrounding sex and sexuality and guilt. Because honestly: the only person who you’re hurting is you.

And if you’re gonna leave anything from the previous decade behind: that should be it. Now go and sin against yourself no more.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and have been living together for 2 months. 

The constant feeling that I have is that I am not getting enough attention and at times I don’t feel the love from her that I think we should have at a year. While I am trying to plan things to do together, to connect, she tends to plan activities with groups.

She has a hectic schedule so at times it is hard to find time to do fun things and so I understand her wanting to see people she doesn’t see everyday (like me). However, we are planning a long weekend get away just the two of us (it will be our first) and she asked if her friend could come down for a day because they live close by (it is fine if I say no though).  

I felt extremely hurt by this. I get she hasn’t seen this person in a while but I also felt like I was no longer the priority. I thought that we finally had a chance to be alone and travel and spend time connecting and it just doesn’t seem as important to her. I don’t seem as important to her, despite her saying she loves me and wants me around.

At this point I am not quite sure what to do. We have had one or two conversations about how I am not feeling great about this and that I am not feeling like a priority but I didn’t think I had to ask so much for alone time with my girlfriend. Any advice? How long do I keep going feeling like things haven’t changed? Am I being too emotional or sensitive?

Please help!

Best,

Am I All Out of Love?

DEAR AM I ALL OUT OF LOVE: I think the problem here is that you’re coming at this from two very different directions, AIAOL. You two are looking at the same situation and seeing things very differently. You’re seeing this upcoming trip as an opportunity for the two of you to relax and savor some time together. It’s an opportunity to carve out time for the two of you to just enjoy yourselves, reaffirm and strengthen the bond and intimacy you two have and generally just enjoy some much-needed togetherness away from the hustle and bustle of your daily lives. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, sees this as a chance to see a friend she never gets to see because hey, they live so far away. And — in your girlfriend’s mind — it’s not that big of a deal to invite them along because it’s just for a day. And probably not even a full day, if you factor in the time it’d take for them to get there and when they’d have to leave.

I suspect the issue is the way you express and receive affection for one another; your love-languages, as it were. Because you’re (metaphorically) speaking different languages, there’s a disconnect in what you’re each saying and what the other is hearing. If we take the Five Love Languages metaphor, then part of how you express affection for someone is quality time. You want to spend time with just them because that time is just about the two of you. But if that’s not the way your girlfriend sees or receives affection, then she may not understand what this means for you. It very well may be that she sees her time with you differently. She sees you regularly — you live together, after all — but she doesn’t have as much time to see her friends and so that feels like the bigger lack. She doesn’t necessarily recognize that in trying to plan things with groups and maximize the amount of time she has to see her friends is conflicting with the way you express affection. Meanwhile, you may not necessarily recognize the way that she expresses affection for you because she’s functionally speaking a different language. As a result, you’re shouting love at one another, but neither of you are understanding it. Now you’re getting frustrated because you’re not getting what you asked for, while your girlfriend is confused and frustrated because she thinks she’s showing you exactly what you want.

This is why I think the two of you need to have another conversation, AIAOL… but this time you need to do more than tell her that you don’t feel like you’re a priority to your girlfriend. I think you need to prepare to have an Awkward Conversation where you lay out not just what you need from your girlfriend — more consideration, more time, feeling like more of a priority — but also how she can best give those things to you. If she feels like you have all this quality time already because you live together, then you need to explain the difference between your daily life together and taking your first trip together as a couple. The more you can help her understand the ways that you receive love and affection from someone — the ways that you’re most likely to understand — the easier it is for your girlfriend to give you what you need and the more satisfied you’ll be.

However, after you share your side of things, you need to give your girlfriend the chance to share how she gives and receives love and affection. Because while you may feel like you’re not a priority to her, it may well be that she’s expressing her feelings for you in ways you aren’t necessarily picking up on. Learning how to speak her languages and how to recognize when she’s showing love to you will also help because now you’ll better understand those times when she’s demonstrating how she feels for you. And while it can be frustrating when you both speak different languages — as it were — learning how to receive love from each other in the ways you show it, the better your relationship will be overall.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In high school, I was basically asexual aromantic (or that’s how I’d have probably identified if those terms were more commonly known then). I didn’t care much about how undressed, looked or ate. I’ve been a chubby guy for basically my whole life, and since I never really cared about romantic or sexual interest, I didn’t really notice or think about my weight beyond health reasons. Despite being 240 pounds and a huge nerd with Asperger’s, I was apparently considered attractive in high school. Four girls asked me out between middle and high school (who I would always say no to since, with a my less keen knack for social skills at the time, I thought it’d be rude NOT to say no if I wasn’t interested) and I even got a “best eyes” accolade in my yearbook to my surprise. So I had always figured that if I had ever tried to start dating I wouldn’t have too much of a problem.

By the time I actually became interested in girls, however, things had changed. I had gained 50+ pounds during college (between stress eating and not really paying attention to my diet), now up in the 290+ range, and despite having improved myself in other ways (hygiene, not just wearing polo shirts with basketball shorts, not blurting out or rambling on about any interest I had at the time constantly/being a bit more reserved), I didn’t have any luck. I managed a few first dates but either they were uninterested or went for someone else completely or eventually went for people like me (nerdy types) but skinnier. Earlier this year I even reconnected with a friend I had been told had a crush on me in high school. She still seemed interested when we first got in touch on Facebook  and there seemed to be a vibe that she was interested. When we met up at a party though, it seemed as though the indications that she was interested in me had faded. While I’m fine with just being friends, I can’t help but feel bad that I may have missed the boat on something good because of my weight.

So this year, now that I had income to spare it, I started investing in getting a girlfriend. Personal trainer, diet shakes, getting on every dating app that seemed decent enough. While my health has improved and my muscles are stronger, my endurance and stamina had greatly improved, I still struggle with actually losing the fat, so my attractiveness physically is about the same. Eventually I did manage a hookup with a girl for a night that was pretty okay, but I wasn’t super attracted to her and I mainly did it so I could actually lose my virginity before 25, and to make all this sunk cost actually end up in something.

Now with some of my older friends and family getting married, and all of them both attractive themselves and marrying someone gorgeous and fit as well, I cant help but start to feel jealous. I mean, I never thought I’d end up with an athlete or supermodel, but the idea of even an average girl being out of reach since, well, I’m way below average, has me pretty bummed out. I feel deep down I could be a great boyfriend/partner/SO/spouse etc, but it feels like the kind of relationship I want to have is both in sight but out of reach, save for waiting till my 30s for someone to settle “below their league” or barring a full Chris Pratt-esque transformation. Going to film festivals and stuff by myself is fun but it’d be more fun if I were doing it with my girlfriend, you know?

TLDR: I’m putting all the effort in but it still isn’t enough to get ahead of even where I was when I wasn’t trying to get a girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Trying My Best

DEAR TRYING MY BEST: Ever want to know the best way to make it impossible for someone to win a footrace, TMB? Ask them if they pump their opposing arm with each stride or the arm on the same side, then watch them trip over their own feet as they try to figure it out.

This is a common issue; there are things that we’re able to do without thinking, but the instant you start thinking about the mechanics of it, you fall apart. It’s the Centipede’s Dilemma: everything was going great until someone asked the centipede how it kept all its feet in sync. This is what happened to you. You were far less conscious about the image you were projecting and you weren’t concerned about trying to get people interested in you and so you were able to be real with folks. You had more genuine connections, you presented yourself in a way that was authentic and attractive and people responded to that.

Back then you were able to do more because you didn’t care and weren’t dependent on the outcome. Now you you do care… well, now you’re aware of the pitfalls. Like Wile E. Coyote, you were just fine until you looked down and realized you’d ran off the cliff.

Now that you’re more aware of women and wanting to find a relationship… well, now you’re trying to focus on a dozen things at once and you’re tripping up over your own feet. This is actually an incredibly common issue among folks who’re trying to get better at dating, or any skill, really. When it comes to learning any new skill, whether playing a musical instrument or learning how to date, you go through four stages. In the first stage, unconscious incompetence, you’re unaware of what you don’t know; you’ve never encountered this before and so you have no idea what to expect. The second stage is what’s called “conscious incompetence”. This is also known as the Pain Period, because you’re getting smacked in the face at just how little experience you have with this. This is the part where you’re just painfully aware of all the mistakes you’re making, how little you understand and it feels like you’ve somehow regressed in skill level. This is also the part where most people give up because… well, because it sucks. It’s a humiliation conga, where it seems like you can’t do anything without making twenty mistakes in the process.

But here’s the thing: as a wise man once said: sucking at something is the first step at becoming good at it. You’ve got to grit your teeth and put in the conscious, deliberate practice in order to get to the next stage: conscious competence. This is the stage where you know what you’re doing, but  you have to devote all your time and attention to making it happen. This stage can be a little nerve-wracking because you’re aware of how well you’re doing and how many steps it takes to make things happen. But the more you work at it, the quicker you turn the conscious awareness of those steps into muscle memory. At that point you enter the final stage: unconscious competence, where you’re able to do all of this without thinking.

So the frustration you feel is understandable, but natural. It’s part of the process of learning how to consciously do the things you used to be able to when you didn’t care. But the difference is that this time around, you’re going to be able to choose when and how you do this.

Where you have an advantage, though is that you’ve experienced something that other people have to work for years to learn: issues like your weight aren’t nearly as important as how you make people feel. Looks and presentation count, but what counts the most is how people feel when they’re with you. So while working out and getting fit is good and something you should keep doing, it’s not the end-all, be-all of attraction. Being big doesn’t mean you’re “below average”. Women like a wide variety of body types, my dude. Some women like ’em ripped with more cuts than a David Fincher film. Others like burly bears and dad bods. So while you may not look like one of the Marvel Chris’, that doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, or even that you’re somehow “stuck” dating women “beneath you”, whatever that means. Focus on dressing well and connecting with people on a genuine level and making them feel good when you’re around. You’ll find that there’re awesome women out there who like you because you’re big and you look like a hug.

Grit your teeth and put in the work, my man. You’ll get through to the next stage sooner than you realize. And that’s when you’ll start having the success you’re craving.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com