DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was introduced to you unintentionally by my boyfriend (let’s call him “P”) that loves watching videos on dating, flirting and how to pick up women, (despite being in a relationship with me for almost 3 years), but P also watches many others videos on how to keep himself looking good too (yay!), P is 56yr old. I enjoyed reading your articles so much that I now come and visit you almost every day to see what’s new and yes! He will read this.

Why am I here? Simple! I cannot accept my partner being friends with his ex, whom he claims was just a FWB for over 3 years and things ended nicely about a year or so before we met. I get the scenario of being friends, because I have witnessed it on someone else, when my sister’s ex-husband’s partner became a good friend of my sister (I’m sure because of my niece). But you know that saying “keep your friends close and you enemies closer”? Just saying.

Ok, let’s back up on things here for a minute…. I come from a wide range of abusive and toxic relationships, ranging from physical abuse like being kicked to the point of giving birth and having an emergency C-section, to being raped while my kids slept on the other room. Not to mention being mentally abuse, controlled and cheated on time and time again.

TRUST is hard to give base on my experiences. Yet, I gave it to this man. I had reached a point in my life when we met where I had said to myself being alone is quite ok for me at this age and then I fell in love with him. Go figure!!

For two years everything was great and amazing, then one day we finally crossed paths with his ex, which I had expected due to places we frequent when going out on dates. Mind you, we were actually on a double “date night” with his friend J and J’s new lady, S. We were at a small music venue where there are various seating arrangements. We were on table for four and the stage was to our left. There was an empty high table for two to our right. I was on the left side of our table and P was to the right.

In comes the ex — call her M. I noticed her right away, my heart started racing, but I kept calm. She walked around and came back to the empty table to our right. She wasn’t alone, maybe with a date. That’s when P saw her and said “Oh! Hey there M”

He quickly introduced us; “This is my girlfriend so and so, this is S  and you already know J.” Ok, cool, right! NOT! He then decided to turn himself around (his back to me) and started a catch up conversation with her. 

Hello! We are here with 2 other people; you’re here with me…  Even his friend J noticed how rude P was being that he made a troubling remark — “Oh he’s digging himself into a hole” — that just made my blood started to boil.

I honestly do not recall what I said to P (shocking!), but I turned myself around to him and I whispered something in his ear about what he was doing. He then stopped and turns my way, music was great and he tried to touch me and caress me after that. Then at the end of the show he turned once again to her (his back to me again) and whispered something to her, because she smiled and nodded her head to him. Grrr! And guess what? We didn’t speak for days after that.

We then had the conversation and I expressed my feelings, the whys and how disrespected I felt. He, on the other hand, didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Still, he understood where I was coming from. We patched things on and all good. We encountered her again 2 weeks later, but it was minor and due to the amount of people around us neither of them got closed enough to talk. No big deal.

A few months, something else happened with a lady coworker where I got signals of attraction between him and the coworker, so I broke into a rage. My bad! I admit I know I can have a bad temper (Puerto Rican Bi*#^$! once someone said) when put on a defensive situation.

When we talked to solve this other issue the M topic came up again. He told me he believes he shouldn’t have to stop talking to his ex, because things ended nicely —  to the point where they meet every year in January for a dinner to celebrate birthdays… hers, her daughter’s (adult) and his. I clearly expressed my boundaries once more, and how I found that disrespectful when you’re in a relationship especially after what had happened. Just so you know he invited me to that dinner next year, because my birthday is in January. Honestly, at that point, I opted for letting it go, why fight about something in the future.

OK! Fast Forward to today!!!

He got a phone called later in the day last night, not typical for him due to his work scheduled. He answered and the tone of voice went down and softer, not his normal louder voice. I was in another room the door was ajar, I could hear the voice but not closed enough to hear what he was saying and I told myself “just let it be”. BUT My gut felt tight (not good). Later at night, I broke my own promise and I (for the 1st time) checked his phone (UGH! I know). I saw that this number had called more than once, either dialed or received. I called it the next day.I was praying to hear a male voice,  and M answered me. I didn’t speak, I just hung up. I felt so little, so betrayed!

I asked him later that day who had called him the night before, he right away said M. I expressed my irritation and how we had talked about her. He keeps insisting that is nothing that I shouldn’t worry about her, that he would’ve not asked me to move in with him if he wanted to do something with her or any other women. He insists on how he’s not interested on her, or M in him, and that this is all innocent. M only had called him days before to ask him on how to get to a restaurant they had been before. Moreover, that he had called her a day before that night, because it was her birthday. And lastly, that M’s called to him that night was by mistake, yet they spoke for a good 10 minutes hhmm!

I was raised with strong values like respect and honesty among many others, and I feel this is breaking my boundaries and what my values on a relationship are. Yes! My personal hurts have a lot to do with it, but my parents taught me better.

I believe they are both, P and her breaking my boundaries. She clearly knows he is in a relationship and by now (I am sure) knows that I moved in with him a few months back. He is clearly choosing (fairly knowing my take on this) to continue the relationship with her despite my feelings. Listen, I’m not saying to be rude, if we encounter her. I’m not saying wishing a happy birthday is bad, but when I see the many continues contacts between them two – MY “I’m gonna get hurt” WALL comes up with a vengeance. Is a defense mechanism, right?!

I am a 48 year old at a lost and tired of fight childish crap, but do I want to accept her presence like nothing or do I take a risk on this relationship and stand up for myself and for what I believe is right for me. I give my 100% respect, honesty and more; and I sure want the same.

Hell No! I’m not perfect, then again nobody is. Please, please, please give me your insight!

Thank you for your time Sir.

Respectfully,

Wanting My Respect

DEAR WANTING MY RESPECT: Well, you asked for my perspective on this… but I don’t think you’re gonna like it.

I’m going to preface this with saying that what you’ve experienced over time — the beatings, the sexual assault and the abusive relationships — are horrific. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all of that and it’s understandable that the trauma you experienced would have a serious and profound effect on you. I don’t want to take away from any of that.

But none of that justifies your behavior with P. Quite frankly, you’re being jealous of P’s friendship with M to a degree that is NOT warranted; not by your history, not by P’s relationship with his ex and certainly not by his behavior. In fact, P has, by your account, been completely on the up and up with you. When you all encountered M, he introduced you immediately as his girlfriend and made it clear that you two were a thing. He’s kept no secrets from you or acted in any way that would cause a reasonable person to be suspicious. Hell, when you asked him who had called him the other night, he told you it was M right off the bat; he didn’t hesitate, he didn’t try to hide it or try to make it seem like it was someone else. He treated it like had nothing to hide. Because, frankly he didn’t. At most, he kept it low key because he likely felt, rightly as it turned out, that you’d go off on him.

The fact that P has a good relationship with his ex is a good thing. It tells you a lot about him as a person: how he handles a more casual relationship, how he conducts himself at the end of a relationship and the respect that he shows for people who were a part of his life. M may have just been a friend with benefits but the key word in that relationship is friend. The fact that they’re no longer sleeping together doesn’t mean that she’s dead to him or that he doesn’t care for her as a person. The sexual side of their relationship may have come to an end, but the friendship and the affection they have for one another didn’t. Those are all solid indicators of his character; not that he still has a thing for his ex but that he’s a stand up guy who treats his partners well, cares for his friends and is probably someone whose friends know he’s got their backs.

Those are all things I would tell women to look for in a guy they want to date. A guy who cuts ties with everyone he’s ever dated and has nothing good to say about any of them is likely someone who either has supremely poor judgement or is likely the nightmare ex in the equation.

Now it was a little rude of him to have an involved conversation with M while he was on a double date with you and your friends… but honestly, that’s pretty minor in the scheme of things.

You, on the other hand, have been treating him incredibly poorly. You’ve started fights with him about his being friends with M, over what you perceived as flirting between him and a coworker and snooped through his stuff to confirm something that he would’ve freely told you if you’d asked. And quite frankly, none of that is acceptable. All you’re doing is letting your jealousy and fear of being hurt run rampant, for no reason. The fact that it’s a defense mechanism doesn’t excuse it; defense mechanisms aren’t automatically healthy. Especially when those mechanisms are causing you to fly off the handle over perfectly normal and acceptable behavior. Trusting your instincts is a good idea… but only provided that your instincts are trustworthy. And while, again, I understand the trauma that you went through was horrific… your instincts seem to be based far more out of your fears and anxieties than actual, demonstrable behavior.

To be perfectly blunt: his friendship with M isn’t a threat to his relationship with you. The only threat I’m seeing to your relationship is, frankly, you. If you keep picking fights and letting your jealousy get the better of you, all you’re going to do is ensure that he will leave you for someone who won’t demand that he end friendships and accuse him of betrayal for no reason.

Yes, you have a right to your boundaries… but so does he. If you want to make his not being friends with someone a line in the sand for your relationship, it is your right to do so. But if you do, then you need to be prepared for him to tell you that this is unreasonable and he’s not willing to let you dictate who he can or can’t be friends with, especially when that person isn’t an actual threat to the relationship. That’s a line that he has a right to draw.

I honestly think that, more than anything else, you need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. You’re afraid of being hurt again, which is understandable, but it’s causing you to lash out in ways that simply aren’t acceptable. A therapist can help you process your trauma and work through those anxieties and help you adjust your Spidey-sense so that you’re not on high-alert all the time. Getting professional, trained help — rather than a loudmouth with an advice column — will do you far more good than trying to police who your boyfriend does or doesn’t talk to. And it’ll do far more for keeping your relationship intact as well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to thank you for the work that you do. I think your advice is very helpful, especially regarding abusive relationships.

I was in an abusive relationship this last year, and I’m still trying to deal with my emotional issues that resulted from it. I have a hard time not blaming myself for being involved with this guy. He has a lot of emotional issues, and I excused away a lot of his behavior. Logically, I realize it isn’t my fault, but the urge to blame myself for falling for his manipulative BS is still really strong. I have a hard time trusting people (especially men) because of the relationship, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to move beyond that someday; it will just take time. Reading your replies to people dealing with abusive and toxic relationships has been really helpful for me, so I just wanted to say thank you.

I’m sorry I’m not able to contribute to your Patreon right now. I’m a student, so times are tough. I hope you know how much people appreciate your work. Thank you.

-I Will Survive

DEAR I WILL SURVIVE: Hey, IWS? I am so proud of you for having gotten out of that relationship. It takes a lot of courage, strength and willpower to pull yourself out of a trap like that, and you should be celebrating the fact that you managed it. More than anything else, you should forgive yourself for trusting someone who abused that trust and for caring for someone who didn’t deserve your time and affection. It was not your fault.

You’re 100% right: you will move beyond this. You will heal. Hopefully in time, you’ll be able to trust again and find people who’re worthy of that trust. It may take time, but you have time. Focus on yourself; love will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Don’t even worry about anything like my Patreon; I’m just glad to hear that you’re doing well and that I was able to help in some small way. Invest in yourself and your healing; that’s where your focus should be.

You’ve got this, IWS.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Well this seems like my yearly f

k dating thing I do all the time. It seems that I’m not up to cut to date anyone ever. I’ve been working out for few years lost 70lbs and still feel like crap most of the time. Dating at this moment is a constant reminder of past, present and future failures in trying to even find a women that is even 2% interested in me or anything that I have to say. To me it seems that women are immediately repulsed by me; none have ever said that but it’s the feeling I get.

I workout 4-6 days a week, have a good paying job, friends that I don’t hate, two motorcycles, go to EDM concerts and travel quite a bit, hobbies include trying to learn to draw and DJ.

So at this point it either has to be location or me. I’ve tried OKCupid, I never get any responses I always ask something about a picture they have or a joke or something. Tinder I lasted about 36 hours before I deleted that. Tinder added to the fact that my face must be severely f

ked. I’ve reading Models, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Mate, Definitive Book on Body Language. Takeaway from those is once again keep working on yourself and it will happen. Keep and eye open but don’t look too hard.

Right….

My two roommates must be vagina whispers, they have so many girls every week coming in and out of the house it’s insane. They don’t leave the f

king house they barely clean, I’m pretty sure if these guys lived on their own, their house would be a disaster. I started going to therapy a year ago to hopefully figure out what to do but at this point. Turns out I have ADHD and depression. My mood is better but that’s about it.

I was listening to an art of manliness podcast, they had Duana Welch on she was talking about how to be more attractive to women. I gathered from that talk was that men  who don’t want to provide or protect are not much use as a man. But men don’t like women that are unattractive.

I believe people should hold there own and only need minimal help from the other person, so I’m screwed. So since I don’t care to provide and protect for women, some other guy will and I’m useless as a man. If this is 50/50, are we not equals? They were talking about making a list of dating requirements, like loyalty and femininity and whatnot.

Just flashing back to the women in my life growing up were all breadwinners, they ran their own businesses all worked in some caliber. From what I’m reading those women are going against the norm and are also screwed to be alone forever as well.

I’m 31 now, and I wasn’t always this lonely or down about being by myself. But around 25 or 26, even though I was doing all the things I was supposed to in order to enjoy life, I just wasn’t meeting women. And as that started building on itself, it just became the biggest failure in my life, and what I started worrying about constantly.

I’ve talked with my therapist about trying to get in a good feedback loop by just doing just little things but those don’t help still feel useless and worthless. Then that spills over into any type of relationship I would have had with anyone.

At this point I’m more frustrated and angry more than anything. Feels as though I should give up. At 30 not that I’ve lived that long or anything, everyone says once you hit 30 you won’t care and then it will happen. 

Any advice ?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Nerdy Black Guy

DEAR FRUSTRATED NERDY BLACK GUY: My first piece of advice is very simple, even if it’s contradictory to, y’know, the fact that I’m dead-bang in the middle of the self-help industry: PUT THE BOOKS DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THEM. Seriously man, no more books, no more podcasts, no more guides to personal development, no more looking for the magic bullet that’s going to transform s

t for you because all it’s doing is making you goddamn miserable.

There are a whole lot of problems in going into a self-help overload, but part of it is that they’re selling a one-size-fits-all sort of solution, something that may work for a slice of people, but sure as s

t isn’t going to work for everyone… assuming it works at all in the first place.

(As an aside: check out The1Janitor’s Youtube video “Is Self-Help A Scam” for a fascinating discussion on the industry as a whole.)

Right now, all you’re doing is letting all of this information — much of it either contradictory or just plain unhelpful — f

k with your head. All you’re doing is feeding your anxieties and insecurities because your confirmation bias is just telling you over and over again that you must be doing something wrong and it’s all your fault. After all, if these are the purported solutions to your problems and they’re not working… well, you must be especially f

ked somehow, right?

Wrong.

Your biggest problem isn’t that you’ve been f

ked by the fickle finger of fate, it’s that all you’re doing is looking for solutions that don’t meaningfully address the problems you actually have and you’re creating this f

ked up false dichotomy for yourself based on other people’s beliefs that have absolutely no bearing on your life or lived experiences. In fact, you’re taking other people’s declaration as valid over the experiences you’ve already lived through.

One of the things you should always do when you’re looking for advice — whether it’s from me, Mark Manson, Captain Awkward, Dear Prudence, Dan Savage or literally anyone else — is consider their perspective and general philosophy on things. That’s always going to color not just their advice but their outlook on the world. I’m never going to send people to talk to Corporal MGTOW or something because their whole philosophy is functionally “it’s so HARD to be a hetero white man these days” and a whole lot of s

t about how women are trying to steal your vital essences. In the case of Art of Manliness… well look, their whole thing is that they’re very much a “let’s get back to this old-fashioned, John Wayne style of masculinity” and a belief in very gender existentialist, heteronormative and very white forms of manhood. By their very nature, they’re going to be looking at a much more “traditional” idea of what men and women should want and should be. The problem is that this often runs headlong into the fact that this isn’t the 1950s anymore and most of the golden age they’re reminiscing about is more nostalgia-porn and myth-making than reality.

Take, for example, the idea that women want a provider. The reason why this dynamic exists and has existed for as long as it has is because for several hundred years, women weren’t legally allowed to provide for themselves. S

t, women weren’t allowed to have bank accounts until the 60s and 70s. So for a very long period of time, women who didn’t have generational wealth needed a provider because it was literally the difference between starvation and survival.

And even then, women have always wanted their own financial independence. The women in your experience aren’t exceptions, they’re much more of the norm than people accept or even realize. Women, and women of color in particular, have been working and trying for self-sufficiency, often because they had to.

Practically speaking… well yes, you’ll occasionally find a woman who wants to be taken care of, the vast majority of people — not women, people — are looking for someone who’s not going to be a drain on them. They’re not looking for someone who’s going to bring all the money and pay all the bills, they’re looking for someone who’s going to carry their own share of the weight. Trust me: if women were just genetically programmed to be like Madonna’s “Material Girl”, the cliche of the unemployed boyfriend who keeps draining his girlfriend’s bank accounts would never exist.

Double points if he’s a “musician”.

Then there’s the fact that you’ve created your own imaginary nemesis..es… to compare yourself to. The guy with the seven figure bank account who’s gonna swoop in and take care of the women you don’t want to provide and protect? He doesn’t exist. You’re not competing with him. He’s a figment of your imagination, built out of your anxieties and your fears that you’re somehow deficient or broken. And comparing yourself to folks you know is a mistake too. Let’s take your roommates, the “vagina whisperers” (and also… ew. Could we not refer to either your roommates OR the women they date that way? Thanks.)

Let’s say that it is exactly as you say: that they’re parading women in and out like they’ve figured out how to build a literal chick magnet. Here’s the most important question: is that what you actually want? Not “well, they’re getting any dates/sex/long, lingering deep-tissue massages”. Is that actually the sort of relationship you want and the type of women you want? Is that even the lifestyle you want? Or are you letting the fact that they’re having any success, for suitably variable definitions of success, blind you to everything else?

Social, sexual or romantic success isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, either. It doesn’t do you any good to have a long string one one-night-stands with women you never see again when what you actually want is a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship. Getting envious of others when what they have isn’t even what you actually want or need is a great way to drive yourself crazy chasing after something that will never make you happy if you ever managed to catch it.

And then there’s the issue with Tinder and OKCupid. The problem there is as likely the fact that, frankly, online dating as we currently know it sucks and the way that apps try to curate the experience only makes it worse. The likelihood that your issue is as much about demographics and the way men and women use online dating apps is far higher than “well my face is just plain busted”. And even then, the solution would be “better quality photos”, not “may as well lie down and rot”.

Right now your main issue is that you’ve gotten yourself so twisted around the axle of your lack of dating success that everything is just going to end up making things worse. What you need right now — more than anything else — is to take a step away from all of it. Put away all the books and podcasts, let your apps go dormant and focus on getting your head right first. I mean, you only just found out that you’re dealing with undiagnosed depression and ADHD. That alone is going to go a LONG way towards explaining why you’re so angry and frustrated right now. It’s not because you’re a loser, it’s because you’ve been fighting through your brain chemistry and that is gonna both exhaust you and suck the joy out of… well, everything. Right now, even if you were to meet the woman of your dreams, you wouldn’t be in a place to make that relationship work because you’ve got a lot of (very understandable) negativity that’s spilling into the rest of your life. Getting that part of your life sorted out is going to remove one of the biggest and most important roadblocks between you and your future happiness.

But the other reason you need to take a step back is that your frustration is getting in your way. Think of it like getting stuck in Dark Souls or Sekiro — you keep dying over and over again trying to beat this ONE boss and it’s driving you up the GODDAMN wall because at least a third of the time, you can’t even get to the second stage of the fight. Hell, sometimes you can’t even get to the boss and you know you can do that, you’ve done that before so why in pluperfect f

kery are you getting ganked there?

You’re getting upset, which is making you impatient, which is making you rush, which is making you sloppy. Then you make a trivial mistake you wouldn’t make otherwise and you get got and now you’re set back further and have to do this s

t all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Taking a break from that lets your frustration recede, lets your muscles unclench and you are able to just relax. Then, when you come back to it a day or two later, you smoke that boss like you weren’t even trying hard.

That is the whole point of “it’ll happen when you stop trying.” It’s not some woo-woo-I-read-The-Secret-too-many-times s

t, it’s “I took a break and calmed down and came back to it when I was in a better place”. It’s the difference between walking and trying to jog when all of your muscles are tensed at the same time. You need to take a break from all of the desperate “Maybe THIS will fix me! OK maybe THIS. Ok, maybe THIS!” and find your zen. You want to get to a place where you’ve got your depression and ADHD reasonably under control, where you feel like your life is pretty good and that you actually have control, instead of feeling like you’re clinging to the back of a rampaging bull and you can’t relax for even a moment.

Then, once you’re ready — which may take a while, and that’s OK — start putting some serious thought into exactly what you want. What kind of relationship you’re looking for, what kind of person would be right for you and what you’re willing to do to make it work. When you have that in mind, then it’s time to start putting the effort into meeting people and seeing if their weird matches your weird.

Don’t worry about missing out or needing to make up time. That doesn’t exist. Love doesn’t exist on a deadline. Love will be waiting for you when you’re ready. Focus on yourself for now, and when the time comes… you’ll be ready to grab life by the horns and make it go where YOU want.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I‘m a 30-year old university student from Germany and I’ve found your column quite helpful. Recently it made me think about a few experiences I made back as a young adult. This has been nagging at me for a while now and I would like to have an opinion. Just a few information straight away: I had three therapists since 2006, my last 2015 and I had a lot to work through since my childhood. I talked a lot with my therapists, but this topic was always kind of glossed over, because until recently, I had a different perspective on it. I apologise for the length of the letter.

Okay, let‘s get things started. When I was fifteen, I meet somebody on a video game message board. Let‘s call her S. I had no social skills, giant mommy issues (our mother was an violent alcoholic and very abusive towards my siblings and me) and abandonment issues. Me and S got in contact through an online TTRPG to Vampire the Masquerade. That was at the end of 2004. Another side-note: S was an Asian-German, which is gonna be important for later.

S was twenty-five years old and she had a bad life story too (sexual abuse and she was diagnosed with a borderline disorder). We talked until three in the morning and I was tired, but excited at the same time, too. Finally I found somebody, that understood me, I thought. And she was very good at complimenting me, said I was intelligent and good looking. It helped, because I thought of myself as ugly. It also helped, because girls picked on me in school, one of them got even downright physically abusive. S was also good at pointing out big flaws in me. She was also funny and witty and wise, because she had worked through the stuff she had lived too. At least that‘s what she told me.

I tried to better myself, because I didn’t want to lose her and it did make me more sensitive for other peoples feelings and I started to be more accepting of people of other sexualities; she claimed to be lesbian, but sometimes also seem to be into guys too. Last time I checked, she identified as pan. I think at the beginning, she may had the best intents for me.

But from 2005-2006 the talking became more sexual, even if I didn’t recognize it at first. She made comments like that she would‘ve totally hit on me, if she hadn‘t been together with her then girlfriend. I felt kinda good with that, after getting turned down by a girl I liked. S also knew how I looked, because we had swapped pictures back and forth.

Then one evening, she was very pissed, because I didn’t recognize that she was making sexual (virtual) advances at me and really seemed to be turned on. I was astonished, because I didn’t think of her in that way, even though she was very attractive in her pictures. But aside from one sexual fantasy here and there, I would have never considered it. We had a long talk about the situation and I got curious and started writing a bit bolder and then it happened. We had cybersex. I was seventeen at that time.

The “sex” continued until 2009. If I should describe it today, it would be considered rough sex maybe, with light bondage and submissive fantasies by her, followed by written kisses and cuddle sessions (virtual of course). I guess some of it might have had a hint of rape fantasies — where she would write that she was just ‘laying still’ — but I wouldn’t have known the difference back then, because I never had a relationship before that. I just wanted her to come and make her feel good. She did say that she had rape fantasies, even through she was traumatized by abuse. At one point she suggested, that we might role play something like this, to test if I would respond to stuff like that. At the time I was afraid of turning into a rapist; I’d read too much of the wrong literature and like I said, I was very repressed and thought the worst of myself.

At first the whole sexting felt fine at first, I think, also, because S was good at writing her reponses in a very enthralling way. But over the years the descriptions of sex got darker, the more her mental health turned worse. I didn’t feel like writing some of the stuff she wanted, because I found it icky and disturbing, but I complied, because I didn’t want her to be mad at me. One evening it got especially bad, because after a very graphic session, she seemed to fall in a frenzy and let me wait for ten minutes, until she told me that she hurt herself. Those minutes where I didn’t know what happened to her, are part of the worst moments in my life. S apologized the next day and I said it was okay, but I couldn’t bring myself to masturbate for at least a month.

There were also some seducing scenarios, where I seduced her through writing, but backed off, when she said, that she really wasn’t in the mood. Knowing what I know now, I’m not surewhere the consent started and ended, because we never talked about that. We never had any discussions about what  the rules to that stuff were.

She said, that this writing was some kind of game for her and I understood that at first, at least I thought. But to be honest, I was stupid, insecure and I would have done everything for her, so she stayed around. We also had the talk about what had happened at the first cybersex-session after the fourth one, where she was more concerned, that I could think of her as a slut (her words, not mine). I I didn’t; she was my best friend and I loved her, as much as you can love somebody virtual. So we continued, while she was still together with her girlfriend, with whom she had an open relationship, but only with women, so I guess we were cheating, but we were also not friends with benefits? It was confusing.

It got even more confusing, when S’ mental health got worse. The boundaries got murkier and the game seemed to turn into something more serious. At one point, she wrote, that she loved me, even when we were just “friends.” She also said that she never sexted before, but I learned later that there were three other people — that I know of —  that she was sexting with. Granted, it started after us, because those people joined the message board later, but still. S also became very angry at one woman for not reciprocating her sexual advances. In S’ mind, that woman turned from another good friend she liked to praise, to a real bitch in one day. I only know that the other woman turned S down, because I talked with her about her conversation with S. In hindsight it reminded me of my own first  session with S, except that the other woman said no.

S got colder towards me as her illness got worse and I clingier. I needed her approval, but she couldn’t give it to me. I think at one point, I really fell in love with her, and so did two of the three other persons she was sexting with. We even had a little chatroom, where everyone hang out and I felt like an outcast, because she wasn’t spending her energy on me anymore. I wasn’t her only and not her favorite lover and that broke my heart, but also gave me the strength to break away from her. That was in 2009.

Since then I haven’t contacted her, except a little letter I wrote her 2015, when I was in a very bad place and contemplating. The letter was mostly about how I missed her and that I still thought of her, which was true. I also felt, that it was all my fault, because I left, when S needed me the most.

But now, after some time to think and learning more about sex, I don’t know anymore what to think. She was very ill, I believe that. And maybe she did like me and we leeched on each other for a while. But the older I get, the more it feels wrong, especially after reading so much more about consent. It wasn’t real sex, but it felt real enough for me and I still have a hard time falling in love or trusting another woman in a romantic way.

It‘s hard for me to imagine a romantic scenario, when I masturbate. It has to be about “just sex without feelings” and in those scenarios, it’s not me that participates, but a surrogate alter ego, that is as far away from me, as possible. The hardest I orgasm is when I imagine the sex with S, but after that I feel depressed and sad. My last relationship was with another Asian woman. This was also strictly online, including sexting. It wasn’t satisfying for me, but the important point is, that she was also into rough stuff. We broke up after she became emotionally manipulative and I was getting depressed. I think at least some of it was because this relationship reminded me of mine with S, only that I was the clingy one. It also made me think of the better sex I’d been having with S.

Now I‘m asking myself, if this can count as sexual abuse. The age of consent in Germany is at 16 (at least it was back then), so she wasn’t doing anything illegal, but now I just feel used. I know that she could be very manipulative, and I remember that I was very vulnerable, even when she let me do the first move. I often feel distrustful, I now talk with other women on OKCupid and other dating apps, and I always thought it was because of my mother and the girls that picked on me. But in this light, I don’t know what to think about S. We did only write to each other and I have never heard her voice. The pictures she showed me were from the same person, but that could’ve been of somebody she once knew.

She was my friend and I loved her and I missed her, but this doesn’t feel right anymore. And I also get quite anxious when I think were my responsibilities began. I mean, I was younger than her, but I also started some of the encounters and I respected her saying no, but she was very ill and nymphomania was part of her borderline disorder. I feel, that I just have said no and discourage the whole sex-thing and that may have worsened her condition, even if I didn’t know. When it got too weird, I should have said no. It does feel like it was all my fault.

Best wishes

Wants to be at Peace

DEAR WANTS TO BE AT PEACE: Oh man, WTBAP, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It’s entirely understandable that you feel conflicted about all of this, because you were caught up in a deeply, deeply s

tty situation.

So hopefully I can provide a little clarity into what happened here. I think what happened is that you fell into a relationship with someone who’s deeply troubled and incredibly toxic. You were young, inexperienced and hurting and in a vulnerable place in your life. The bullying and familial abuse left you in a position where you were craving friendship and validation and didn’t know how to go about finding it; she took advantage of your situation and used all of it to manipulate you into a relationship that you didn’t have the experience to recognize as abusive and exploitative.

I want you to understand: the confusion and hurt you’re feeling is completely understandable and utterly normal. Many people who’ve been in these relationships with toxic, manipulative people come out feeling the way you do. One of the reasons why survivors of abusive relationships have a hard time leaving is because they feel like they were somehow complicit in their abuse. Many people in sexually exploitative relationships like the one you were in will often blame themselves because of times when they were the initiators of the activity; abusers will often hold this over them as “proof” that they wanted it. But the fact is that they — like you — were in a relationship that they couldn’t handle, with a partner who wielded the power dynamic against them. They weren’t in a position that they could meaningfully understand the full impact or implications of the situation. It’s not proof that you were complicit, it’s evidence that you should never have been in that relationship in the first place.

The behavior you describe from S sounds like she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. People who live with BPD often have issues with emotional self-regulation; they tend to have wild emotional swings and feel intense moments of both attraction and devaluation.  They can be prone to impulsive, even dangerously reckless behavior — including excessive spending, drug use, self-harm and unsafe sex — as well as deep depressions and disassociation. When on the upswing, they can be incredibly passionate and idealizing, declaring how much they love or need someone; on the downswing, they’ll go to the opposite extreme: insisting that they hate that person or how incredibly horrible they are.

One of the issues surrounding borderline personality disorder is that people tend to not understand it; it’s easy to believe that people who have BPD are just manipulative s

t-stirrers, people who cause trouble because they just like it. In reality, BPD is frequently a result of trauma; people diagnosed with BPD often have a history of abuse or trauma that’s left deep emotional scars. Their behavior is often a way of reacting to the harm caused by that trauma. This is why so much of their behavior is triggered by an incredibly deep fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined, by friends and loved ones. When they feel that someone may be about to abandon them, they’ll act out in ways to either try to keep them around or to push them away first. As a result, people living with BPD can be incredibly manipulative; they’ll go to extremes in order to maintain the feeling that they have control over their relationships. This behavior may include love-bombing, emotional manipulation, self-harm and intermittent reinforcement, where rewarding or punishing their partners seems to come almost at random. By creating these intense but sporadic moments of idealization and devaluation, they create moments of deep insecurity or fear of loss, then relieve it with periodic moments of intense affection. This pendulum swing causes intense anxiety followed by periods of euphoria when that anxiety is removed; the dopamine rush that comes from this is incredibly, powerfully addictive and it is incredibly hard to break. That same pattern of anxiety and relief is what casinos and game developers exploit in order to keep people pumping money into their games; that same fear of loss followed by slight wins is why loot-box mechanics in video games can be as damaging to people as gambling addiction.

Don’t get me wrong: none of this excuses what S did to you. You were in an incredibly abusive relationship with someone who treated you horribly. I just want you to understand why she was able to twist you up so effectively, why it was so hard to leave her and why this still haunts you. This was not your fault. None of this was your fault. You were preyed upon by someone who manipulated you and coerced you into a relationship you were in no position to handle and who exploited a psychological phenomenon that left you literally addicted to her attention. You are not alone; many, many people have gone through this, just as you have and IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. The most important part of all of this is that you got out. That’s the thing to focus on; it was bad, but it’s over. You had the strength and the courage to get away. What you’re feeling now is simply the after-effects; you’ve been through the fires of Hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it.

You need to do three things, WTBAP. First: you need to go full nuclear on S. That means getting rid of everything, blocking her on every social network you’re on, blocking her number, her email, any means she has of contacting you. Excise her from your life like a cancer, slam the doors shut and seal them behind you. While I doubt you’ll hear from her again, simply going through the steps of cutting her out will make you feel better.

Second: go back to therapy, especially if you can find a therapist who deals with abusive relationships. You’ve been through the s

t and you need someone who can help guide you through the healing process. It’s not fun and it’ll feel uncomfortable and awkward, but it will make you better in the long run. A trained therapist can help you work through what happened to you and help you find peace and closure.

Third: you need to forgive yourself. You weren’t complicit in this. None of this was your fault. YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME. You were manipulated and abused by someone who was deeply, deeply f

ked up and you were in no position to know better. You were the victim here and NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

Forgive yourself for trusting someone you shouldn’t have, for caring for someone who wasn’t worthy of your affection and for not having had the experience to recognize a bad situation sooner. NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

You’ve been through the s

t, but you survived. You’re stronger, braver and more resilient than you know. You’re still hurting, but you will get better.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com