DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve written to you in the past with dating questions and you’ve been super helpful, but now I find myself in a new situation unrelated to my romantic life I have no idea how to navigate and I was hoping you could help me too. I’m (34 F) super close with my family, specially my mother’s side. My grandparents were very present in my life when growing up, the helped raise me, spoiled me, did all the things grandparents were supposed to do. When I was a teenager I found out that my grandpa wasn’t the best dad and husband when my mom was growing up (cheated on my grandma, was a bit absent, drank a bit too much), but everybody let it slide because “everybody was like that” back then. I also brushed it off because even if he wasn’t the best father, he was a very loving grandfather and thought that people are capable of changing and growing.

Fast forward to now. My grandmother died a little over a year ago, it was really hard on all of us. It was especially hard on my grandpa obviously, because even if he wasn’t the best husband, he still loved her and she took care of him, he totally depended on her. He has her picture up on his nightstand with candles and flowers, talks about her all the time, and shares photos of her every day on the family group chat.

I’ve been living in another city for more than 10 years and I just went back home with my new boyfriend so he could meet my family. We had a great time, and we spent a lot of time with my grandpa. We has breakfast together, had a family party, did karaoke, then after the weekend he got a small surgery that went well and I kept him company for a while. I flew back home feeling really happy and thankful for my family.

And now I found out by accident that my dear, sweet, 82 year-old grandpa has a new girlfriend. A 28 year-old girlfriend. I don’t know who she is, how they met or even her name, I don’t want to know. I just know my mom found out by accident when she saw them making out in the background of somebody else’s Instagram story (my grandpa loves parties and has a very active social life). I may be overreacting, but I feel sick to my stomach.

I can no longer see him as my sweet loving grandpa. I don’t know if I see him as a disgusting predator, a pathetic lonely man who got swindled by a gold digger, or both. I know they are consenting adults but it just feels so messed up. Obviously my family disapproves and tried to talk sense into him, to no avail. My mom even threatened to cut him off (my parents support my grandpa and bought him a house that’s under my mom’s name) but he won’t listen.

I always knew he has little-to-none emotional intelligence and self-awareness (like many men from his generation) and that he’s probably still grieving and doesn’t want to deal with his emotions. It’s probably too late for him to go to therapy and work some of his s--t out and learn how to feel his feelings. I’m trying to be understanding about how he must be feeling but I just can’t help to lose respect for him and somehow feel betrayed.

I’m dreading coming home for the holidays, I don’t want to see him, I don’t even know if I should address it since he still thinks I don’t know about his child girlfriend. How do I navigate this? I want to be ok with this because I love him and I don’t know how many years he has left, but on the other hand I’m so angry and disgusted.

I know there’s nothing I can say to make him leave her, but what do I do? Do I talk to him, or do I sweep it under the rug and act like everything is ok?

Thank you for listening,�Stepgranchild of a Child

DEAR STEPGRANDCHILD OF A CHILD: Alright SGOAC, before I get into this I want to push back on the way you’re framing things: the person your grandfather is apparently seeing isn’t a child. She’s 28 years old. That’s not much younger than you. She’s hardly some naïf or some babe in the woods, too innocent to understand the ways of men. I understand that the age difference is shocking to you, and it is extreme, but let’s keep their actual ages in mind, here. Infantilizing a grown-ass woman who’s well above the age of consent, the legal drinking age in the US and the age to rent a car doesn’t help anyone.

In the spirit of honesty, I’m going to say that I tend to roll my eyes at a lot of age gap discourse that I see online. While a significant age gap between partners can be distasteful and it’s part and parcel of the (false) societal messaging that women past a certain age are less desirable, a lot of the discourse revolves around the idea that adult women are incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions, as opposed to knowing exactly what they’re doing and having their own reasons for doing so. Either we accept that people over the age of 18 are free to make their own decisions, even if we disagree with them, or else the next conversation would need to be “so where do we set the age of consent?” and “how do we protect these poor women who can’t help but be coerced by others?” But if we’re not going to actually make that an issue, then we have to accept that while we can side-eye the f--k out of people’s choices, they still have the right to make ‘em.

Now that out of the way: I’m not sure there’s a problem here outside of people finding it icky. Yeah, a 50 year difference in ages is a lot, no question there. You have reason to believe this likely not a love connection. But you don’t mention anything other than the age that would make this relationship a problem.

I would assume, for example, that if your grandfather was having issues with dementia or other issues that would affect his judgement and decision making, you would mention it. Similarly, if there were reason to believe she were after his money – or if he had assets for her to go after – you would mention that as well.

So… outside of age and the sudden and shocking discovery that your grandfather is still a sexual being, what is the issue here? I’m not being flip or sarcastic. I’m being absolutely sincere – is there genuine reason to be concerned outside of how this makes you feel?

You mention that it’s been over a year since your grandmother passed away and your grandfather – poor husband though he may have been – loved her dearly. While he may still be in mourning, that doesn’t mean that he’s incapable of feeling anything other than sadness. Being old doesn’t mean that he’s become asexual, or that has no need for companionship and intimacy besides his family, after all. I don’t want to hammer away at what’s obviously squicking you out, but the elderly are still sexual beings. We do them a disservice by pretending that desire and sexuality vanish after a certain age, or that seniors don’t have sex lives and romantic lives… including sex lives that may include people who might be young enough to be their grandchild.

I suspect that a lot of what you and your family are feeling has as much to do with the incredible shock of how you found out about this – seeing gramps sucking face with a woman literally less than his age – and feelings of betrayal of seeing him having an intimate moment with someone who isn’t your grandmother. That’s an entirely understandable reaction. The former must have been like getting a bucket full of ice water to the face, while the latter must have bubbled up moments afterwards. The sheer surprise of it all is the sort of thing that would make most people’s brains vapor lock while they try to process it.

And to be sure:  your feelings of betrayal and disgust are real. They’re absolutely valid. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling them nor am I going to tell you that you’re wrong for feeling them. However, I think it’s important to recognize that you are feeling them and that they can affect the way you’re seeing things or the way you’re interpreting his behavior. Taking a moment to ask why you’re seeing this as a sign that’s something wrong, and examining those feelings is important.

You mention that you worry that this is him trying to ignore his grief or that he needs therapy… but just between you, me and everyone reading this: would you be having the same reaction if he were apparently seeing someone in her 40s? Her 50s? Her 70s? Would you feel like he’s ignoring his grief or lacking emotional intelligence if it were someone more age-appropriate? Or is it truly down to the difference between his age and hers? As I said: how much of this is born out of worry for his security and safety, or for this woman’s for that matter, and how much of it is down to this being a visceral reaction to seeing your grandfather in a way you never thought of before? How much is it a feeling of loyalty to your grandmother’s memory and how much – and I mean this with compassion – would you still be feeling if it weren’t down to the ick factor?  

Now that it’s less immediate and everyone had a chance for everyone to cool off, it’s a good time to stop and take stock of the situation and really dig into how you and your family feel, before you decide what to do next. Making decisions when  you’re in the middle of having a strong visceral response means that a lot of times we make decisions based on how we feel in that moment, rather than what would actually be best for everyone involved.

There are a couple things I think you should do. To start with, I think you – or rather, your parents, since they’re the ones supporting him economically – should talk to him about this relationship. Ask him how this started, how they met, how it became physical and what he thinks of this relationship. Is this a fling because he’s lonely and horny, or does he think this is true love? Is there more here besides being physical? Is he giving her money or gifts, especially things he can’t afford on a fixed income? Is he living beyond his means trying to make her happy? Or does he have things more or less under control?

As hard as it may be, it’s going to be important for you and your parents to be as calm, collected and non-judgmental as possible when you (or they) ask these questions. As I’m sure you know, getting angry, making accusations or demands are more likely to make him defensive and to dig in. If you all can come to this from a place of concerned curiosity and an understanding that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions, it will be far more productive for everyone involved.

It will also be much easier to determine whether there actually are problems here – such as if he’s dealing with some form of dementia and disinhibition. But if he’s not… well, like I said: people can disapprove all they want, but those are two grown, consenting adults.

To be clear: I think confronting him with an eye towards trying to force him to dump her is not only the wrong choice, but it’s also going to be counterproductive. At best, he’s going to get better at hiding things. At worst, you’re going to find that this just serves to push him away, and likely closer to her. Especially if your parents decide to cut him off financially. If you want to make sure that everything is on the up and up, or you want to make sure he’s not being taken advantage of, then it’s going to be much more important to try to be understanding and sympathetic. Otherwise, you’re going to lose access to him and any leverage you might have to help him as needed.

(And honestly, “kicking Grandpa out of his home because we don’t approve of his girlfriend” is some cold s--t to do.)

But as for yourself and your own feelings about this? Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is take some time, feel the f--k out of your feels, process them and do your best to come out on the other side. If – and again, I assume you would have said – there’s no reason to be concerned besides just the age gap, then this really becomes a you problem, not a him problem. He’s still your grandfather, still the same person he ever was… just as flawed and human as before. The only real difference is that now you see a different side to him. It’s a side that you might’ve been happier never knowing about, sure, but it’s still him. It may take some time (and possibly a lot of brain bleach) to reconcile this knowledge with your memories of him, but he’s still your grandfather.

And to be sure: this doesn’t mean that you need a relationship with this woman – assuming that she’s going to be around for long – or that you need to give it your blessing. You can accept it without approving. But you still are going to have to accept it because the alternative is giving up your grandfather… and I don’t think you want to do that, nor do you need to.

It’s an unpleasant situation, to be sure, and I’m sorry that you’re going through it. But I think, in the cold light of day, it’s not as bad as you fear. Just distasteful.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A long-time reader of your website here! I must say I like your no-nonsense and humane approach to things, although I haven’t really needed your advice the past years. Since I am now in the position that I do, I thought to ask you for some advice in the hope you could help me out.

My girlfriend and I recently ended our relationship and I am looking to start dating again. Before I settled down into a relationship with her, I dabbled in the Pick-Up/seduction community. I’ve had my successes, but not as big as some people in the community make themselves out to be.

I have a love/hate relationship with Pick-Up. I feel that it has given me some valuable lessons at the time, but I also think that some mindsets and thoughts in the community are highly poisoning or simply misogynistic. I’m afraid that without guidance I’ll fall back into some of these patterns, so I was wondering if you had some advice for someone with a (dabbling) background in Pick-Up. I’m not looking to spend five nights a week negging girls in a nightclub anymore. No more, I say!

Right now I’m a clean slate as I can be, regarding dating. I’d like to learn how to engage with women healthily this time. Do you have any advice? I know I don’t really have a specific question, but some general pointers on how to learn from, yet dodge the poisonous swamp that Pick-Up can sometimes be would be immensely helpful!

PUMaybe?

DEAR PUMAYBE: Y’know, it’s really easy to forget that the pick-up artist scene never really went away after it’s hey-day in the early 00’s and 10s. It surprises some folks to find out that not only is it still around, but it’s mutated in a number of different ways, from “classical” pick-up to the overtly misogynist Red Pill community, and even influenced the growth of groups like MGTOW and other MRA communities.

But hey, for as long as people have wanted to get laid, there’ve been folks who’ve been trying to teach people how to find all the shortcuts in the process.

Occasionally I’ll get a letter from someone that might as well be me ten years ago. Welcome to my life, PUMaybe; I’ve basically gone through most of what you’re going through and then some.

One of the ongoing issues – something that I started this site specifically to address – is that men don’t really have any way of learning HOW to interact with women. Our society has basically saddled us with an unfortunate dating binary: you’re either good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you admit to being bad and are trying to improve, you’re looked down upon as a loser. Half the time, our only “instruction” comes from watching other people get together and trying to backwards engineer it. God knows our parents don’t teach us much about meeting potential partners, and asking other guys for help is frequently a crap-shoot.

And honestly? Dating is literally the only place where this is true. If I wanted to get better at playing basketball and worked with a coach, nobody would blink twice. If I wanted to brush up my conversational Japanese and I bought a DuoLingo subscription or hired a private tutor, it’d be business as usual. But if someone sees you leaving Barnes and Noble with a copy of The Game and people will react with derision; not just because you’ve got a copy of The Game but because you’re clearly a dateless loser looking for a way to manipulate women into bed. If you admit you’ve worked with someone to brush up your Tinder profile, you’re gonna get some serious side-eye from folks because it represents the idea that you just didn’t know how to do this instinctively.

And let’s be clear: yeah, there’s a whole metric f

k-ton of people who got into pick-up because they wanted to manipulate women into having sex with ’em. But there are ALSO people who simply want to get better at dating and have no idea how. Pick-up is the only real outlet for those people because… what else do we have? Movies that teach us all the wrong goddamn lessons? Say what you will about pick-up but at least it’s an ethos.

But I digress.

As I’ve said many times before: I’m of two minds about the pick-up scene. On the one hand, I learned a lot from my days as a pick-up artist, stuff that I find incredibly valuable to this day. On the other hand… well, let’s face it, the pick-up scene is full of some seriously toxic, hateful and occasionally downright dangerous beliefs and information – and this is without getting into areas like The Red Pill aficionados, various ovulation-obsessed online “personalities” or Men’s Rights advocates and the rest of their ilk.

So the obvious question is: how can you separate the gold from the dross, the wheat from the chaff and the valuable information in pick-up from the misogyny and toxic ideas about masculinity?

(In before: “You can’t.”)

First: examine everything that you’ve been taught. How much of it is saying that “all women are X” or “Every woman wants Y?” Much of “traditional” pick-up is predicated on incorrect – or toxic –  ideas about women and female sexuality, especially that women are one giant monolith who want the same thing. Similarly, look at the ways you’re being told about being a man. How much of it is based around the stereotype of the “alpha male” and how much of it is “becoming the best, most authentic version of you”?  Are you trying to present a false or puffed up version of yourself in order to trigger an “instinctual” response in women? The more any technique or belief is based in evolutionary psychology or “all women want X”, the more toxic it’s likely to be.

Next: ask yourself “How much of this is based on coercing, pressuring or “tricking” women into doing what you want? The classic example are techniques for overcoming “anti-slut defense” or “last-minute resistance” or LMR busters – techniques like “the freeze-out” that’re supposed to overcome a response of “no, I don’t want to have sex with you” when you’re back at your place or her place; the whole “Yeah, we’re going to an afterparty, I just need to get my wallet/camera/beer first, why don’t you come in for a minute?” dodge to get someone to come home with you. It’s pitched as “giving her a plausible excuse to come home with you” because women need a way to explain how sex “just happened” rather than look like a slut, right bro?

Yeah, not so much. Here’s what the unspoken follow-up to that false pretense: “…and now you’re stuck at a strange man’s house without any way reliable way of getting home. Better not do something he doesn’t like!”

(As an aside: I, to my shame, used the false pretense trick back when I was deep in the pick-up scene. I had no idea how goddamn sketchy it was and having a female friend explain it to me – and smack me upside the head in the process – was a serious eye-opener. I can’t emphasize enough how much I regret having used that particular technique. Guys: NEVER DO THIS.)

Another example of trying to use social pressure or coercion is the ever-classic “neg”. Negging is all about trying to make someone crave your approval while indulging your desire to “get back” at someone for daring to not like you. Unlike antagonistic flirting and bantering – which is about both parties having fun – negging is all about proving you’re “better” than the other person and trying to lower their self-esteem.

Finally: ask yourself what you’re trying to do. A lot of pick-up is based around overriding women’s interest with your own; your desire to approach her overriding her desire to be left alone, etc. Pick-up works best when it’s less about getting “any” woman and more about identifying the right woman – the woman who’s interested in meeting someone, who may be looking to get laid that night etc. You want to work more towards a collaborative model of sex – rather than an antagonistic one based around the idea that sex is something that needs to be wheedled into, bargained for or bribed.

I’d also suggest reading Clarisse Thorn’s “Confessions of a Pick-Up Artist Chaser: Long Conversations With Horrible Men” – it’s an excellent break-down of the problems with pick-up and it’s positive side, from a feminist perspective.

So with all of that in mind, here’re the things I’d suggest you focus on:

Work on where you’re meeting women. If bars and clubs are your thing then more power to you, but if not, you may find more satisfaction meeting women in other venues. If you’re doing cold-approaches – and being able to do cold approach is a valuable skill in general – then make sure you’re approaching women who’re interested, rather than pestering women who’d rather be left alone.

Focus less on canned routines or pick-up “tricks” like negging and more on generating chemistry – these will serve you much better and will actually be much more congruent with who you are.

Emphasize enthusiastic consent. Part of what makes a woman more likely to go home with somebody is if she thinks the sex is likely to be worth the potential risks. Generating chemistry is part of how you emphasize that the sex will be great but lowering the risk is the other half of the equation. Looking for signs of enthusiastic engagement and interest (rather than “going along with it” or “feeling like she’s obligated”) and responding in a positive and respectful manner to her boundaries help emphasize that you’re someone who will respect her overall. This doesn’t mean “be a respectful guy and get a sex cookie as a reward”, mind you; this means legitimately being a proponent of enthusiastic consent with everyone, regardless of whether it means you get sex or not. Creating a safer, more respectful world helps everybody feel freer to indulge their desires.

And hey, if you’re ever wondering how you can be an ethical, successful Pick-Up Artist, you can do worse than to look at Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who as role model.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: To make a long story short, after a decade-long relationship that lasted from my early twenties to early thirties, I’m now dating again. I’m a straight woman in a major urban area. I’ve been relying primarily on dating apps, which has had some ups and downs. I recently met a really nice guy and we’ve gone on a couple dates. He’s been very respectful, attentive, and has never pressured me in any way. He’s actually a breath of fresh air in comparison to some of the other guys I’ve met from the apps.

Except (there’s always an except, right?) that on occasion he has espoused incel-type beliefs and terminology, including the 80-20 thing (that the top eighty percent women are drawn to the top twenty percent of guys), made a joke about how that’s why women always pick the a

holes, and talked about Chads when I was sharing some of my funny dating app-related disasters. (It came up organically in the conversation.) I’m frankly confused. He’s an intelligent, good-looking guy, a good conversationalist, and overall a fun date. He doesn’t come across as being misogynistic at all, but I’m worried that if I continue going down this route and become invested, I may discover too late that’s he holds really toxic beliefs about women. I’m not sure if he’s sort of part of the less extreme wing of that community, a full-blown incel, or just a nice guy who’s been kicked around a little and taken comfort in some of the incels’ self-comforting fantasies without realizing how toxic they come across as being to other people. Whenever the subject comes up, he’s very straightforward about it as though relaying a normal fact about life, and doesn’t act ashamed or embarrassed at all. He’s older than me and hasn’t mentioned much about his dating history.

At this point in my life, I know better than to do battle with someone’s beliefs, and it’s not like he’s a long-standing friend or family member so I would be justified in making that type of intervention. The easiest thing to do would be to walk away, but I like him. I also know that I’m gun-shy due to some of my own past baggage, mostly related to how my long-term ex treated me, so I’m not sure if I’m looking for an excuse not to commit and avoid being hurt again. Since you’re a guy, I thought you might have a better take on this than me. What do you think?

Does That Make Me Stacy?

DEAR DOES THAT MAKE ME STACY: There’s a variation of the philosophical aphorism Occam’s Razor called Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” The idea of this philosophy is that what sometimes can seem like malicious, even cruel behavior is often the result of someone sitting on the spectrum ranging from blissful ignorance to being a complete f*cking idiot. According to this philosophy, people who might seem motivated by cruelty — and thus may be a lost cause — may, in reality just be ignorant and/or dumb, which is correctable. It doesn’t change the harm that they’ve done, but it does change what the appropriate and most effective response would be.

In this case, I’m going to propose a variation on this principle: don’t assume membership in a well-known group by use of their language when it could be equally explained by being Extremely Online.

One of the odder outcomes of the near universality of the Internet has been the rise and acceptance of memes — not image macros with weird or banal quotes on them but memetic ideas and beliefs, whose spread and integration mimic the behavior of viruses. Concepts, beliefs and phrases that used to be a sort of in-group marker spread to the general populace via social media and become part of the accepted vernacular, sometimes seemingly overnight. You can see this as phrases and iconography that used to be exclusive to African-American culture, drag queen culture, even forums like 4chan and Reddit make their way into general use by… pretty much everyone. They latch on and just become part of the everyday discourse of daily life, even though it seems like literally nobody was saying it the day before.

GamerGate? Pizzagate? Qanon? These are examples of memetic ideas that started out exclusively on 4chan and Reddit before reaching a critical mass in the mainstream.

But using those words or phrases doesn’t necessarily equate with actually being a member of that group; in many cases folks who talk about spilling the tea, for example, have no idea where the phrase came from. They just know what it means and they like using it. Most people don’t know that the phrase “shipping” — used to mean wanting to see two characters in a story, movie or tv series enter into a romantic relationship — came from X-Files fandom back in the 90’s; it’s just in common enough use that you see it all over the place. It’s rarely intentional; more often than not, somebody used in-group jargon in a non-in-group space and the phrase or concept functionally slipped it’s leash and escaped into the wild.

It’s entirely possible that this is the case with your friend. If he’s someone who spends a decent amount of time online, especially on Twitter or sites like Reddit or Tumblr, the odds are good that he’s encountered some of the phrases and concepts you’ve described completely independent of their communities of origin. The 80/20 rule, for example, is a mutation of an economic principle known as the Pareto Principle: the idea that 80% of your effects is the result of 20% of your causes. While this was coined to describe land ownership in 19th century Italy and economic disparity in general, it has since been applied to damn near everything under the sun. Applying it to dating — the idea that 20% of men get 80% of the women — incredibly popular in various permutations of the Men’s Rights community, including Pick-Up Artist and Red Pill communities or the Men Going Their Own Way groups. These communities tend to be incredibly vocal — even evangelical in some cases — so it’s certainly possible for your friend to have seen this via casual web browsing. The same is true about the whole Chad/Incel comparison; after Elliot Roger and Alec Minassian’s murder sprees, more people have become increasingly aware of not just the incel community, but their bizarre logic and belief system. Images get shared on Twitter and Instagram for others to point and gawk at, sites like We Hunted the Mammoth document their behavior online, newspapers and magazines dedicate column inches to the phenomena, subreddits spring up to talk about it all, and the jargon eventually penetrates into the mainstream.

So it’s not impossible that he’s come across all of this without having actually been part of those communities. Even bringing it up in casual conversation could be more about who he hangs out with and what they talk about than it is an indicator of his beliefs. I spend a lot of time in sex educator and fandom circles, and I have to remind myself regularly that not everybody is going to know what the hell I’m talking about when it comes to things like “compersion” or various fandom slang terms I picked up from TVTropes.

(This gets especially fun when people I know talk about doing CBT. I always have to ask WHICH CBT they’re referring to…)

That doesn’t mean that he’s not a member of those groups either… but it doesn’t have to be a binary “he’s an incel/not an incel” choice.

As a general rule of thumb, I advocate a policy of “deeds, not words” when it comes to trying to determine someone’s character. The way someone behaves is a much clearer indication of who they are as a person than what they say or the language they use. Someone might, for example, be supportive of LGBTQ people but use slurs to refer to them… often because it’s just what everyone around them says, or because they don’t realize that those are slurs. Similarly, someone might say all the right things to indicate that they’re pro-feminism and pro-social-justice, but their behavior makes it clear that they’re trying to use being a “feminist” as a way of getting into somebody’s pants.

This is why the axiom of “never date someone who’s rude to the waitstaff” is a valuable one; it’s a better indicator of who they are as a person than any pretty words or speeches.

In this case, your date’s said some things that, understandably, set off your Spidey-sense. On the other hand, the way he behaves indicates he’s a fairly stand-up guy. And while God knows there are plenty of Crouching Nice Guy/Hidden Douchebags out there who hide the s

tty side of their personalities until people are more invested in them, I’d err on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

That does not, however, mean that you shouldn’t listen to your instincts. It might not be a bad idea to take a “trust, but verify” stance and see what can find out about him outside of your dates. Googling his name, seeing what he’s like on any public-facing social media profiles… all of that’s pretty SOP in dating in this day and age. You can learn more about somebody through their Instagram and Twitter feed than through an hour’s conversation after all.

I think there’re worse things you can do than give him a chance. If you do go on another date with him, you could always ask him about some of those things and see if you can draw him out. Does he really believe the whole 80/20 thing, what does he mean by “Chads”, and so on. How he responds may give you a better idea of where he stands than just going over the transcript of your previous conversations like it’s the Zapruder film.

But at the end of the day, what ultimately matters is whether you feel comfortable with him or not, regardless of what you do or don’t find. If you just don’t feel comfortable, even after a conversation or two, or doing a deep dive into his online presence? Then really, there’s nothing wrong with saying “Hey, this isn’t working for me, peace out Cub Scout”.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how it’s all going.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com