DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife and I are in a difficult situation, and I hoped you could offer some perspective. We have a mutual friend (let’s call him S), who I met through ballroom dancing (S and I are both dance instructors), and have known for about 7 years now. My wife has been taking lessons with S for about a year, and they are most of the way through a showcase performance they’ve been working on. Yesterday, she came home and told me the following story:

She was midway through her lesson with S, when she mentioned she was going to have breast reduction surgery. He “jokingly” expressed sadness at this, and added, “I’ll have to grab one before that happens as a farewell.” She felt uncomfortable, but laughed it off, as their relationship is based on humour and sometimes a bit of harmless flirting. Then later, still in the (empty) studio, he DID grab one. And then laughed it off like it was part of the joke. My wife was understandably shocked, and couldn’t come up with anything more than a passive-aggressive response. She allowed the lesson to finish to avoid the risk of things turning ugly.

A few other important details:

1. This is not the first time he’s done something like this: He was previously inappropriate towards her one night a couple years ago when we were at his place and got drunk on too much scotch – he apologized afterwards, and she didn’t see him for several months. I also just found out he’d previously behaved inappropriately towards another instructor, but management defended him when she tried to out him (he’s a big money-maker at the studio).

2. It’s possible that his actions were captured on the security camera. I want to have the tapes pulled (as far as I’m concerned, our friendship is over), but my wife is still sorting out what she wants to do and I’m letting her take the lead on this one (while still offering advice, of course).

So I guess the question is, what’s the appropriate response to this? My wife feels terrible because she wishes she could have stood up for herself more, and she definitely wants to cut ties but is also frustrated because of how much work went into the dance routine they made together. I’m being as supportive as I can, while trying to figure out how to not punch him in the face when I inevitably see him at work. We even had a tabletop session planned with other friends this weekend, and I’m trying to figure out a graceful way to just bow out of it. My wife said she’s fine if I just behave like everything’s normal, but I’m not buying it, and it’s not possible anyway.

Any clarity you can offer would be wonderful, thank you.

- Furious Husband

DEAR FURIOUS HUSBAND: First and foremost: I’m so sorry this happened to your wife, and your wife should forgive herself for her reaction to this. Her reaction to de-escalate the situation with a passive-aggressive comment is an incredibly common one. There were a lot of factors at play in that scenario. For starters, there’s the pure shock that this happened out of the clear blue sky. Many times when incidents like this happen, the brain vapor locks; it’s so unexpected and so out of the ordinary that it’s difficult to believe it’s actually happening. By the time your brain reboots and accepts that yes, this s

thead grabbed your boob, he’s already pulled back and started laughing about it and while your glands are dumping adrenaline into your bloodstream that causes your muscles to stiffen up and your senses to sharpen.

If you’re not used to this sensation, it’s incredibly stressful. It’s part of why our response to danger is fight, flight or freeze. It’s also why first responders, police officers and soldiers all train for emergency scenarios and women’s self-defense classes run drills with simulated attacks and rapists. All that practice is to train people to respond when their adrenaline kicks in; their brains may lock up but they’ve practiced so often their bodies respond automatically. If you’re not used to having been grabbed or groped like that, the odds are greater that you’re going to freeze instead. And that’s perfectly normal.

Then there’s the fact that she’s alone with him in an empty studio. And while they may be friends with a long history together, the combination of his sudden decision to grope her and the fact that he’s almost certainly larger, heavier and stronger than her is going to put her in an uncomfortable position. On the one hand, yeah they’ve known each other for years, so there’s a presumed level of trust… but on the other hand, he just violated her trust and boundaries and seems to think it’s funny. If she makes him angry, there’s a non-zero chance that things could escalate very gooddamn quickly in ways that would make things much worse.

So while I can completely understand your wife’s disappointment in herself, the fact of the matter is that she didn’t do anything wrong. She was dealing with a situation she’s never been in before and had an entirely normal and natural reaction to it.

Similarly, I can understand the desire to haul off and deck the guy, PH, but as tempting as it is, it will only make things worse. One of the ugly truths about this sort of sexual assault — and it is assault — is how rarely people will take it seriously. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard women complain about guys getting grabby and being told to laugh it off, that it wasn’t that big of a deal or that if she didn’t slap him right then and there or immediately report him to someone, then it couldn’t have been that bad. And, straight talk: the odds are good that this is exactly what you would hear from people if you smacked the taste out of his mouth. All that would happen is that you’d get fired and your ex-friend would go on blithely wondering why you freaked out on him over what just wasn’t that big of a deal.

What you both should do is cut this guy loose with the quickness. While I can understand her hesitancy, what with all that time she put into her dance routine, that’s just the sunk-cost fallacy kicking in. This isn’t the first time he’s been grossly inappropriate to her. Once is forgivable,  if he’s made a good faith effort to make amends, change his behavior and ensure that it never happens again. Twice — three, if you count the gross comment he made before he groped her — is a sign that this dude needs to be kicked to the curb with the trash. He’s had his chance and s

t got worse. It’s time for him to go.

I do think that, if she feels safe doing so, that your wife should let him know just why he’s persona non grata in your lives now. He should know that his exile from your life is entirely his fault. Not only will this help your wife feel like she’s gotten something back after what he did, but it helps cut off any rationalization he might have about his actions. If you were to confront him about this first, he might think that it couldn’t be that bad because your wife didn’t say anything. Her telling him off cuts the legs of that defense right out from under him. It’ll drive home that actions have consequences and that what he did was unacceptable and it might inspire him to get his s

t together and hopefully never grab the boob of someone who hasn’t given him boob-grabbing permission.

You, on the other hand, can be colder than a penguin’s ass to him at work. If he comes to talk to you, tell him to piss off. If he wants to talk it out with you, then shut that s

t down; you’re not the person he needs to apologize to, your wife is. And frankly she may not be in a forgiving mood, which is entirely her right.

As for the tabletop session… go ahead and come up with a reason you can’t make it. I wouldn’t tell them why unless and until your wife gives you clearance to talk about it. This is her story, after all, and it’s her right to decide how it gets rolled out and to whom.

If he’s a regular member of this group, then it may be worth telling the others that you and he are on the outs and you’re not comfortable with him around right now. If they want details, all you have to say is that he’s done some stuff that was unacceptable; that’s all they need to know until your wife gives you the OK to talk about it. And if they don’t feel like that this is enough to cut him loose or feel like they don’t want to have the drama of kicking him out… then, as much as it may suck, it may be time to find a different gaming group.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This past week has been extremely confusing for me because one of my exes has been thoroughly confounding me.

Backstory: I “fell” for this girl in grade 5, upon seeing her for the first time I thought she was the most beautiful woman on earth (I was young) and I was determined to date her. After lots of chasing her and putting up with denials (long story), her and I became a couple on our last year of high school/first year of college. She wanted to be a doctor though, and because we were spending so much time together her grades started really slipping in school to the point where she got kicked out because she was spending so much time with me and not enough time on her school work. So I broke up with her because at the time I thought it was best for her (and because I was very immature at the time and needed to grow up, which I did when my mom died later that year).

We both moved on, but kept in touch, and I feel like we still harbor soft spots for each other. Our break up wasn’t vicious or anything, as I said, just a case of something that needed to happen for both of us. Anyways, she grew up, started dating a guy after me who she was with for five or six years and they moved away. However, two or three weeks ago they broke up and I did my best to cheer her up for her birthday. But this week, she’s started to really come on to me, suggesting I come see her and heavily implying she wants me sexually. She is very forceful about it (insisting I come see her, even though I cannot at the moment due to university) and I am most definitely interested in her (I will always have a soft spot for her). This leads me to my problem, I fear she just wants sex and to have her urges fulfilled, and I don’t want to be taken advantage of. In my conversations with her, I’m being the same sweet, caring guy to her, but she seems to only want to talk when she ‘s in the mood for other things.

If she wants me, I’m fine with that, but I don’t want whatever is going to happen become something I’m emotionally invested into and she isn’t. I cannot tell if she’s coming back because of our past or if it’s because she wants a future but she hasn’t healed fully from her break up to go about it in the right way. I really don’t know if I should just give her space but leave myself open to her approaches, or if I should push for things she may not be ready for due to the healing process. I am most definitely interested in her though, and it’s not because of nostalgia, but I think she might be feeling the nostalgia.

Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated,

Thoroughly Confused.

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: I hate getting letters like these because I’m fairly certain you already know what I’m going to say… you’re just hoping that you’re wrong.

First of all: congratulations on being able to stay friends and stay in contact even after the break-up. That says a lot for your relationship with your ex and for your character. It’s a hard thing to do, even under the best of circumstances.

But I’m going to be honest: I don’t think you have a soft spot for her, I think you haven’t actually let yourself heal and recover. Five or six years is a damned long time to keep holding a torch for an ex, even one that you had an incredibly intense relationship with over a short period of time.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you, I really do. I’ve had my own share of exes that I couldn’t let go of for years, to the point of actually damaging our friendship afterwards. I’m willing to go out on a limb and assume that you’ve picked at that particular wound – like constantly poking your tongue at a sore tooth or a bad bruise. Speaking for myself, I wasted a lot of time and caused a lot of heartache by holding out hope that my ex and I might get back together when the stars aligned and the fates smiled down on us and quite frankly, holding on to that really held me back in a lot of ways.

And I’m worried that it’s going to do the same thing to you.

So here’s the harsh advice: don’t go and sleep with her.

She’s already said in every way but with words that she’s not really interested in getting back together; she’s not responding to your sending out boyfriend vibes because that’s not what she wants. She’s attracted to you – especially since she’s made it clear she wants to jump your bones – and she’s probably very fond of you, but not in the way that you want.

Exes can make for very appealing hook-ups: they’re an appealing mix of novelty – you haven’t been together in a while and things will have changed – and the familiar. There’s a certain level of challenge in the seduction but not an insurmountable one; after all, you presumably already know what rev’s their particular engine. And yeah, there’s going to be some nostalgia there. If the two of you had a passionate relationship that ended on fairly good terms, of course she’s going to look back on it with fondness and affection.

Now believe me, I understand just how tempting all of this is for you – it’s like you’re being offered a second chance at something you’ve always wanted. But the cold and hard truth is that what you want and what she wants are two entirely different things. It would be one thing if you were the sort of person who could compartmentalize how you feel for her and separate it from the joys of just getting down and dirty with someone who you know. It’s quite another to be going in with hopes that a weekend fling might mean something more.

Here’s what I predict would happen if you go out to see her: you’re going to have a great time at first. It’s going to feel like old times only better because you’ve grown and changed and now you have more to offer and you’re in a better place than you were before. But at least some part of you is going to be asking yourself: “What does this mean?” You’re going to be reading the tea leaves into everything, trying to see whether this is just a fling for her or if it’s a sign that she’s ready to get back together.

At some point you – and I’m willing to put down money that it will be you – will try to initiate the “defining the relationship” conversation.

And that’s where it’s going to fall apart. Either she will admit that she likes you but isn’t ready – or looking for – getting back together or she will try to put it off and ask for time to think about it and get her head straight. Which will be her way of trying to postpone the inevitable. And then all those old wounds and scars are going to re-open and you’re going to have set yourself up for getting hurt all over again – and it may even make it harder to stay friends afterwards.

Now maybe I’m wrong. You know your ex better than I do. But I don’t think you would’ve written to me if you didn’t already have some nagging doubts and suspicions.

I’m not saying break off contact. I am saying that I think going to see her will be an invitation to getting hurt again and you should think very carefully about it before you actually do anything.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (20, F) am a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

DEAR FIRST TIMER: One of the problems with how our society deals with sex and sexuality is that we end up creating problems where there really shouldn’t be any. Virginity is a classic example of this, because it serves as a perverse double-edged sword. Men have a difficult time with being virgins and having little sexual experience because it’s seen as a mark of being a failure as a man. We treat men’s sexual experiences both as a rite of passage and a mark of their value. We also assume that all men are horny satyrs who’re ready for sex at any time. As a result, we not only teach guys that not having sex is shameful, but we also ignore the times when guys have been abused or raped. When, say, a twelve year old is raped by his teacher or babysitter, we’re more prone to talk about how lucky he was or how much of a stud he was to bang an older woman.

Women, on the other hand, are taught that their value is in the sex they don’t have. That women are supposed to be sexy but not sexual, that by not having sex they’re staying “pure”. We can all think of times women have been shamed for having too many sex partners, when too many translates to “any”. Shitty dudes will talk about women “riding the cock carousel” in the same breath where they will brag about the dozens to hundreds of women they’ve supposedly plowed. But at the same time, women who are virgins beyond a certain age – again, when that age tends to translate to “teens” – are seen as damaged, broken or desperate. People joke about how virgins are great because they don’t know any better so they’ll assume you’re the best at sex ever, or how it’s risky to sleep with a virgin because she’ll get clingy and imprint on you like a baby gosling. They’ll assume she must have something wrong with her, physically or emotionally or that she must be a religious zealot, regardless of the actual facts on the ground.

And unfortunately, a lot of that shame gets in our heads and folks who have little or no sexual experience, for any number of perfectly understandable reasons, internalize that shame. You’re in that headspace yourself; intellectually, you know there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but you still feel awkward about it. And so you stay quiet about it. And perversely, that silence ends up perpetuating the stigma, because now nobody has that counter-example in their lives.

And here’s the thing: you’re hardly the only person who’s virgin in their 20s, whether man, woman or non-binary. While you’re a little to the side of the center of that bell curve, around 13% of women 20-24 are still virgins; not common, but certainly not rare or unheard of. All this means is that you’re in good company; there’re more folks like you than you realize.

So the first thing I would suggest is to not treat being a virgin like something to be ashamed of. It’s just a data point about who you are, not the summation of everything about you. It’s no more a defining characteristic than whether you’ve ever eaten roasted crickets before. The less you treat it like something unusual or shameful, the less other people will. The folks who do give you shit are just proving themselves to be assholes and assholes are gonna ass, no matter what. You’ve got better things to do than worry about the opinions of assh

es.

The second thing is that if and when you do talk about it, don’t justify it as though you’ve done something wrong. People will respond to how you treat being a virgin. If you don’t treat it as something weird or unusual or a big deal, other people won’t either. You’re incredibly busy – I mean, you’re a nursing student, c’mon – and you just haven’t had time to date or pursue a relationship. That’s all. Folks understand what it’s like to be so busy to not have time for anything else. If anyone asks, all you have to say is “I’ve been too busy with work and school, so it hasn’t been a priority.”

How they react will tell you a lot about what you need to know about them. Some folks will fetishize your being a virgin. Some will think that your first time will be momentous or “a gift” or some other thing. Others will accept it as just one more fact about you.

And if and when you do decide you’re ready to sleep with someone for the first time, just make sure it’s someone who’s going to be considerate of you and your pleasure. Not in some “ok this is gonna be uncomfortable” way (which is more myth than truth) but in the sense of being a good lover in general.

After all, if you’re gonna sleep with someone, they should be worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I saw you like to get follow-ups from previous columns so I wanted touch base and thank you so much for your help with my question last year (“How Do I Stop Sabotaging My Relationships”) about being clingy and sabotaging my relationships.

I followed the advice you mentioned and improved my communication style and figured out what was getting to me and how to focus on overcoming my fears. It turns out really talking with him about it helped so much. He’s not the most confrontational person when it comes to emotions (i.e. total goofball) but he heard me out, we talked about it and soon, the elephant in the room had dissipated – all while we got a better understanding of each other. So much so that we’re moving in together this summer (and yes, it’s miraculously somehow still in the same building! Serendipity, you’re seriously cool AF)

Thank you for taking the time to answer me and for all you do. Your column and podcast provide vital information for everyone, not just dudes but also the women ladies to understand each other better and I’m very grateful for it.

Rock rock on,

– Anne Nonymous

DEAR ANNE NONYMOUS: Awesome! Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing, AN, and congratulations on everything working out!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com