DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (20, F) am a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

DEAR FIRST TIMER: One of the problems with how our society deals with sex and sexuality is that we end up creating problems where there really shouldn’t be any. Virginity is a classic example of this, because it serves as a perverse double-edged sword. Men have a difficult time with being virgins and having little sexual experience because it’s seen as a mark of being a failure as a man. We treat men’s sexual experiences both as a rite of passage and a mark of their value. We also assume that all men are horny satyrs who’re ready for sex at any time. As a result, we not only teach guys that not having sex is shameful, but we also ignore the times when guys have been abused or raped. When, say, a twelve year old is raped by his teacher or babysitter, we’re more prone to talk about how lucky he was or how much of a stud he was to bang an older woman.

Women, on the other hand, are taught that their value is in the sex they don’t have. That women are supposed to be sexy but not sexual, that by not having sex they’re staying “pure”. We can all think of times women have been shamed for having too many sex partners, when too many translates to “any”. Shitty dudes will talk about women “riding the cock carousel” in the same breath where they will brag about the dozens to hundreds of women they’ve supposedly plowed. But at the same time, women who are virgins beyond a certain age – again, when that age tends to translate to “teens” – are seen as damaged, broken or desperate. People joke about how virgins are great because they don’t know any better so they’ll assume you’re the best at sex ever, or how it’s risky to sleep with a virgin because she’ll get clingy and imprint on you like a baby gosling. They’ll assume she must have something wrong with her, physically or emotionally or that she must be a religious zealot, regardless of the actual facts on the ground.

And unfortunately, a lot of that shame gets in our heads and folks who have little or no sexual experience, for any number of perfectly understandable reasons, internalize that shame. You’re in that headspace yourself; intellectually, you know there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but you still feel awkward about it. And so you stay quiet about it. And perversely, that silence ends up perpetuating the stigma, because now nobody has that counter-example in their lives.

And here’s the thing: you’re hardly the only person who’s virgin in their 20s, whether man, woman or non-binary. While you’re a little to the side of the center of that bell curve, around 13% of women 20-24 are still virgins; not common, but certainly not rare or unheard of. All this means is that you’re in good company; there’re more folks like you than you realize.

So the first thing I would suggest is to not treat being a virgin like something to be ashamed of. It’s just a data point about who you are, not the summation of everything about you. It’s no more a defining characteristic than whether you’ve ever eaten roasted crickets before. The less you treat it like something unusual or shameful, the less other people will. The folks who do give you shit are just proving themselves to be assholes and assholes are gonna ass, no matter what. You’ve got better things to do than worry about the opinions of assh

es.

The second thing is that if and when you do talk about it, don’t justify it as though you’ve done something wrong. People will respond to how you treat being a virgin. If you don’t treat it as something weird or unusual or a big deal, other people won’t either. You’re incredibly busy – I mean, you’re a nursing student, c’mon – and you just haven’t had time to date or pursue a relationship. That’s all. Folks understand what it’s like to be so busy to not have time for anything else. If anyone asks, all you have to say is “I’ve been too busy with work and school, so it hasn’t been a priority.”

How they react will tell you a lot about what you need to know about them. Some folks will fetishize your being a virgin. Some will think that your first time will be momentous or “a gift” or some other thing. Others will accept it as just one more fact about you.

And if and when you do decide you’re ready to sleep with someone for the first time, just make sure it’s someone who’s going to be considerate of you and your pleasure. Not in some “ok this is gonna be uncomfortable” way (which is more myth than truth) but in the sense of being a good lover in general.

After all, if you’re gonna sleep with someone, they should be worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I saw you like to get follow-ups from previous columns so I wanted touch base and thank you so much for your help with my question last year (“How Do I Stop Sabotaging My Relationships”) about being clingy and sabotaging my relationships.

I followed the advice you mentioned and improved my communication style and figured out what was getting to me and how to focus on overcoming my fears. It turns out really talking with him about it helped so much. He’s not the most confrontational person when it comes to emotions (i.e. total goofball) but he heard me out, we talked about it and soon, the elephant in the room had dissipated – all while we got a better understanding of each other. So much so that we’re moving in together this summer (and yes, it’s miraculously somehow still in the same building! Serendipity, you’re seriously cool AF)

Thank you for taking the time to answer me and for all you do. Your column and podcast provide vital information for everyone, not just dudes but also the women ladies to understand each other better and I’m very grateful for it.

Rock rock on,

– Anne Nonymous

DEAR ANNE NONYMOUS: Awesome! Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing, AN, and congratulations on everything working out!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I’ve enjoyed some major changes in my life. I was promoted at my job after 3 years of hard work and have found myself at a good place in life. During this time I met a girl; let’s call her K. We seemed to hit it off immediately and the fact that I was bilingual was something that she somehow found attractive. I found out she was seeing someone and she later on told me that relationship was nearing the end and she was just afraid of hurting the guy. She broke up with him a few days after and things started to speed up from there and we became friends with benefits.

Given that I was her superior, I decided to keep our relationship on the DL at the workplace. One day out of nowhere she got upset because I went out to a bar for some drinks alone and because she also found out I decided to hang out with another girl from work. Obviously this kind of behavior was a bit of a red flag and I talked to her about it to which she seemed understanding. Later on I came to find out that she wasn’t being discreet at work about what was going on between us.

I decided to talk with her and I realized we weren’t on the same page. She told me she didn’t care who found out about us because in the end they would find out regardless of who said what. She wanted a more formal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and I did not. I had just gone through a two year long distance relationship and felt that I needed to focus on my personal goals and that it wasn’t right for me to string her along and she deserved someone who could give her what she was looking for.

We still work together but things are awkward to say the least. We barely say a word to one another and a friend of mine has told me that she has informed a few people about how I decided to end things with her.

Another mutual friend went on to tell me that K got really drunk one night and confessed to still having feelings for me and that she was open to talking with me if I have something to say. Sometimes I do miss what we had beyond the physical connection but I still feel like we aren’t on the same page about what we want and in the long run that might affect whatever might come.

What should I do?

Not Jim, Not Pam

DEAR NOT JIM, NOT PAM: Honestly my dude, what you should do is hop into your nearest DeLorean, travel back in time and stop yourself from dating her in the first place. While I realize workplace romances are a thing — they’re somewhat inevitable, really — the fact that you were her superior and presumably in a place where you can directly affect her job makes it seriously not cool. You may have had the purest of intentions, but there’s a power-imbalance inherent to the setup that makes the whole thing sketchy under the best of circumstances. Doubly so if you now find yourself in the position to have to discipline her, fire her or promote someone else for a position she may also have applied for. Even if you are so good at compartmentalizing that it would never have occured to you to consider your relationship with her as a factor, it’s almost impossible to avoid the appearance of influence.

But for the sake of a thought exercise, let’s imagine that you weren’t her superior and that there were no issues that’d get you dragged before HR. Speaking strictly for the relationship you had… well, you did the right thing by ending things with her. You wanted different and mutually incompatible relationships, and that was going to create a relationship-ending impasse. In situations like these, it’s better to end things sooner rather than later; it’s kinder to them and frees them up to find a relationship with someone who is on the same page. Much like ripping off a bandage, it’s the sort of thing that if t’were to be done, best to be done quickly.

So as far as that goes, you made the right call.

Otherwise… there’s nothing else to be done here. She still wants a long-term committed relationship and you don’t and you’re still her superior at work; all that getting back together will do for you is give you the 12″ extended dance remix of your first breakup except possibly with a guest appearance by Human Resources on the hook. All there’s left to do is power through the awkward. Be professional, polite and friendly… but keep it strictly about work from now on.

And stop dating people who’re below you on the org chart at work.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader (first found you via google). My question isn’t dating-related but it’s on something you’ve talked about every now and then.

Long story short–I can’t find a friend group or anything remotely similar. I’ve tried to connect with other people who share my interests (gaming and at one point card games) but every time I’ve tried it’s either been games I don’t play (i.e., Smash or until recently COD/Halo, though I don’t mind watching any of those, TBH) or I’ve come out of the meet up bawling like a baby (something my parents can attest to) or worse, both. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I walked into gaming meetup where they were playing Smash or something, figured “eh, I can at least watch,” within ten minutes some assh

e screams a certain “r” word (or worse) and I go home shaken. Hell, a few years back I would routinely hear “f*g” thrown around in a CHILDREN’S CARD GAME circle and the first time I tried online gaming (something I DEEPLY regret…) I got called the n-word (yes, really) along with being cyber stalked and sexually harassed in the game’s PMs (I’m a dude, but the douchebag on the other end kept calling me “lady” and well…you know the rest).

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m not on social media at all. Nothing against it personally it’s just…well. I was the kid who, when myspace (remember that dinosaur?) first showed up, was utterly perplexed why anyone would want to be on it and still feel that way about Twitter and the like (apart from business reasons). It doesn’t help that I can’t stand fandom culture either (too much of a nostagia-bating circlejerk yappin’ about how awesome the 80s/90s/whatever was half the time).

Rambling aside, I just wanted to ask. Is there any surefire way to avoid the toxic bulls

t? Or does EVERY “male-centric” (I use that term loosely) nerd community act like a f

king frat house full of allegedly grown-up manbabies?

The Lone Gamer

DEAR THE LONE GAMER: You can’t completely insulate yourself against encountering assh

es, TLG. Assh

es gonna ass, and a lot of people have decided that trash talk and s

tty behavior is just a core component of competition in general and gamer culture in particular. I mean, look at how hard it seems to be for Twitch streamers to not have a “heated gamer moment”.

But that doesn’t mean every group is going to be the same cadre of smack talk and casual racism, trans- and homophobia. You may want to start by checking out gaming stores in your area, especially tabletop gaming stores and seeing whether they have regular game nights. However, you’ll want to be picky about which gaming stores you go to. You can almost always judge a store’s clientele by the store itself and its employees. If the folks working at the store are the same sort of folks who think s

t talking is cool, then the odds are higher that you’re going to find the same toxic behavior you’re looking to avoid. On the other hand, if the store is well-lit, well-organized with friendly and diverse staff who act professionally, they’re FAR less likely to put up with folks acting like 12 year old edgelords.

You might also want to spend some time on local boards and forums for your city in general. If there’s a subreddit for your town, that may be a good place to not just meet local folks and vet them, but to also find gaming groups that aren’t as crappy.

And at worst? Don’t be afraid to start your own group. Set up your own MeetUp for whatever game you’re interested in playing, make good sportsmanship part of the rules for attending and be the change you want to see in gaming.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Four weeks ago I matched with girl on Tinder, and things went normally. I broke the ice with a few questions, gave her my number so we could text instead (I didn’t call her since we had already been previously texting on tinder) and then made plans for a date. A couple days after that, I met her out for drinks and pool and darts (at this point we were having good conversation but no physical escalation ). We tried to go somewhere to dance but since it was the middle of the week, the place was dead; we just hung out and  talked instead. At this point we held hands as we left. Next we  drove to a karaoke bar, sang some songs and kissed. When we were leaving, I suggested we go to her place which was a block away. She agreed. We talked a bit, then started making out and things escalated. I was not planning on having sex which her, and I had even said this earlier, because I like to have sex with people I really care about. However, I felt comfortable with her so we had sex after all. I’m pretty sure it was good for her, she was a bit dry, so she was sore after but she was satisfied at least physically. The next morning, we messed around more but didn’t have sex because she was sore. Then we slept again till noon, which was a little late for us. We ended up talking for another two hours before I left to eat.

I waited four days and then had this texting exchange:

Me: Hey [DATE], hope your weekend has been going well. I had a great time with you last week and I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule look like this week?

Her: It was really great meeting you, but I’m going to politely decline that second date. Hope all the best for you!

Me: That’s a real shame, I really enjoyed spending time with you. If you change your mind, feel free to hit me up. Hope all the best for you too.

I now have no clue what went wrong. Neither of us talked about seeing each other again. She asked in the morning how the date went and I sarcastically and playfully said “definitely a 2”.  I did make stupid comment about how much I could bench (witch is only 200) that may have come off cocky, I asked if she liked some of my favorite things and could have been to check-box-y. I also was too confident about knowing she would have me over. I don’t know if I was distant or relationship-y or she just didn’t have that spark, but even as I left, we were kissing and things seems good so I don’t know what went wrong.

Let me know what you think and what I should do.

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: A wise man once said: It’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s just life. I bring this up because many times, you can do everything right and still not get the outcome that you would want. In dating, you can have an amazing date where the conversation is sparkling, the atmosphere is sexually charged and everyone is having a great time… and they won’t be interested in a second date, often for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. They may realize that they’re not in the right headspace to date right now. They may have enjoyed things but don’t feel enough of a spark to want to see you again. You may have scratched a very specific itch and they’re satisfied with what they’ve had and don’t need any more than that. It’s not weakness… it’s life.

You… didn’t really do that. You committed some pretty big mistakes. But before I get to those, let me point out what you did right.

First: you matched with someone and took the conversation off Tinder as quickly as possible. That’s an incredibly common mistake folks make; letting the conversation drag on before you take action is part of how you end up with matches that ultimately end up going nowhere. You take so long to make your move that everyone eventually gives up, and your match ends up going out on dates with the person who did ask them out.

Similarly, you made plans for a date at a specific day and time. This is another common problem that folks run into; they say “hey it’d be great to see you sometime” or “let’s get together sometime,” then wonder why they eventually get ghosted.

Next, your date was interesting and active. Too many people go for “pleasant” dates — the cliche “dinner and a movie” or just getting drinks. Drinks are good, but ideally drinks are paired with something. Darts, pool, skee-ball, axe-throwing… these all have a competitive and active component that makes them more interesting and more memorable. Karaoke also makes for a great date; it’s fun and offbeat, a date that few people are likely to have gone on before. Dancing also makes for an excellent date because of how active it is. We are bad at understanding why we feel the way that we do; we feel the physical sensations of something and then back-fill the reasons for it later. Dancing and physical activity gets our hearts pumping and arouses our central nervous system, which arouses the rest of us. However, we associate those sensations with the person we’re with, rather than the activity. As a result, we feel that the reason we’re so hot and bothered is because we’re with that person specifically.

You also do something I recommend: you venue-hop. This is useful on a date because it creates a sort of time-dilation effect; it leaves us feeling like we’ve spent more time with the person we’re on the date with. That, in turn, makes us feel closer and more relaxed with each other.

So up to this point you’re doing pretty damn well.

Then you get back to her place and it all falls apart. To start with, the fact that your date was having issues with lubrication is… not a great sign. Vaginal lubrication isn’t necessarily a sign of arousal and it’s lack isn’t a sign of disinterest — there are a multitude of reasons why someone might be a little dry — but the lack is going to make sex less pleasant at best. That lack of lube can lead to chafing, even tearing and some pretty intense discomfort. That’s not the soreness of “I just got d

ked down by a champion” that’s “ugh that’s a really bad friction burn”. That alone is enough to make someone decide they don’t want a second go-round with you. If you’re with someone who’s having issues with getting wet enough (and obviously, who is actively and enthusiastically interested in sleeping with you), then you need to adjust your approach. If you have the option, then a little lube — especially ones that’re a step up what’s available at the drug store — helps. Otherwise, the best option is to take penetration off the table; have oral sex, jerk each other off, roll around, whatever floats your boat, but leave penetration for a time when you’ve laid in some supplies.

Your “yeah, that was about a 2” almost certainly didn’t go over well either. Unless you’ve already established a banter-y, tease-y connection together so that it’s understood that you’re joking when you say that, comments like that can be pretty hurtful. That’s the sort of tease that you need to be careful using. The wrong tone of voice, not following it up with “no, seriously, that was great, I had an amazing time,” runs the risk of making it sound like you’re joking-but-not-really. That combined with unpleasant or painful sex is a pretty good way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

But I think the biggest mistake you made was waiting four days to text her again, especially after you’d slept together. That, honestly, is the sort of thing that can make women feel really icky about the date. While it may not have been your intention, that’s the sort of thing that comes across either as playing weird power games or — worse — sends the message that you think she’s good enough to f

k but not enough to date. My general rule of thumb is that sleeping with someone warrants contacting them the next day to say “hey, I had a great time,” if not after getting home. At the very least it’s polite and avoids giving the impression that you got what you wanted and couldn’t care less about them as a person.

All things considered, I’m not surprised she wasn’t interested in seeing you again; the lead up was great, but you seriously failed to stick the landing. It may have been well-intentioned cluelessness but intentions aren’t magic and don’t mitigate the fact that this probably wasn’t as great of a date for her by the end as it was for you.

The best thing you can do now is take this experience and learn from it. Don’t make the same mistakes again, and hopefully your next incredible date will be incredible for both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com