DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Four weeks ago I matched with girl on Tinder, and things went normally. I broke the ice with a few questions, gave her my number so we could text instead (I didn’t call her since we had already been previously texting on tinder) and then made plans for a date. A couple days after that, I met her out for drinks and pool and darts (at this point we were having good conversation but no physical escalation ). We tried to go somewhere to dance but since it was the middle of the week, the place was dead; we just hung out and  talked instead. At this point we held hands as we left. Next we  drove to a karaoke bar, sang some songs and kissed. When we were leaving, I suggested we go to her place which was a block away. She agreed. We talked a bit, then started making out and things escalated. I was not planning on having sex which her, and I had even said this earlier, because I like to have sex with people I really care about. However, I felt comfortable with her so we had sex after all. I’m pretty sure it was good for her, she was a bit dry, so she was sore after but she was satisfied at least physically. The next morning, we messed around more but didn’t have sex because she was sore. Then we slept again till noon, which was a little late for us. We ended up talking for another two hours before I left to eat.

I waited four days and then had this texting exchange:

Me: Hey [DATE], hope your weekend has been going well. I had a great time with you last week and I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule look like this week?

Her: It was really great meeting you, but I’m going to politely decline that second date. Hope all the best for you!

Me: That’s a real shame, I really enjoyed spending time with you. If you change your mind, feel free to hit me up. Hope all the best for you too.

I now have no clue what went wrong. Neither of us talked about seeing each other again. She asked in the morning how the date went and I sarcastically and playfully said “definitely a 2”.  I did make stupid comment about how much I could bench (witch is only 200) that may have come off cocky, I asked if she liked some of my favorite things and could have been to check-box-y. I also was too confident about knowing she would have me over. I don’t know if I was distant or relationship-y or she just didn’t have that spark, but even as I left, we were kissing and things seems good so I don’t know what went wrong.

Let me know what you think and what I should do.

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: A wise man once said: It’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s just life. I bring this up because many times, you can do everything right and still not get the outcome that you would want. In dating, you can have an amazing date where the conversation is sparkling, the atmosphere is sexually charged and everyone is having a great time… and they won’t be interested in a second date, often for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. They may realize that they’re not in the right headspace to date right now. They may have enjoyed things but don’t feel enough of a spark to want to see you again. You may have scratched a very specific itch and they’re satisfied with what they’ve had and don’t need any more than that. It’s not weakness… it’s life.

You… didn’t really do that. You committed some pretty big mistakes. But before I get to those, let me point out what you did right.

First: you matched with someone and took the conversation off Tinder as quickly as possible. That’s an incredibly common mistake folks make; letting the conversation drag on before you take action is part of how you end up with matches that ultimately end up going nowhere. You take so long to make your move that everyone eventually gives up, and your match ends up going out on dates with the person who did ask them out.

Similarly, you made plans for a date at a specific day and time. This is another common problem that folks run into; they say “hey it’d be great to see you sometime” or “let’s get together sometime,” then wonder why they eventually get ghosted.

Next, your date was interesting and active. Too many people go for “pleasant” dates — the cliche “dinner and a movie” or just getting drinks. Drinks are good, but ideally drinks are paired with something. Darts, pool, skee-ball, axe-throwing… these all have a competitive and active component that makes them more interesting and more memorable. Karaoke also makes for a great date; it’s fun and offbeat, a date that few people are likely to have gone on before. Dancing also makes for an excellent date because of how active it is. We are bad at understanding why we feel the way that we do; we feel the physical sensations of something and then back-fill the reasons for it later. Dancing and physical activity gets our hearts pumping and arouses our central nervous system, which arouses the rest of us. However, we associate those sensations with the person we’re with, rather than the activity. As a result, we feel that the reason we’re so hot and bothered is because we’re with that person specifically.

You also do something I recommend: you venue-hop. This is useful on a date because it creates a sort of time-dilation effect; it leaves us feeling like we’ve spent more time with the person we’re on the date with. That, in turn, makes us feel closer and more relaxed with each other.

So up to this point you’re doing pretty damn well.

Then you get back to her place and it all falls apart. To start with, the fact that your date was having issues with lubrication is… not a great sign. Vaginal lubrication isn’t necessarily a sign of arousal and it’s lack isn’t a sign of disinterest — there are a multitude of reasons why someone might be a little dry — but the lack is going to make sex less pleasant at best. That lack of lube can lead to chafing, even tearing and some pretty intense discomfort. That’s not the soreness of “I just got d

ked down by a champion” that’s “ugh that’s a really bad friction burn”. That alone is enough to make someone decide they don’t want a second go-round with you. If you’re with someone who’s having issues with getting wet enough (and obviously, who is actively and enthusiastically interested in sleeping with you), then you need to adjust your approach. If you have the option, then a little lube — especially ones that’re a step up what’s available at the drug store — helps. Otherwise, the best option is to take penetration off the table; have oral sex, jerk each other off, roll around, whatever floats your boat, but leave penetration for a time when you’ve laid in some supplies.

Your “yeah, that was about a 2” almost certainly didn’t go over well either. Unless you’ve already established a banter-y, tease-y connection together so that it’s understood that you’re joking when you say that, comments like that can be pretty hurtful. That’s the sort of tease that you need to be careful using. The wrong tone of voice, not following it up with “no, seriously, that was great, I had an amazing time,” runs the risk of making it sound like you’re joking-but-not-really. That combined with unpleasant or painful sex is a pretty good way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

But I think the biggest mistake you made was waiting four days to text her again, especially after you’d slept together. That, honestly, is the sort of thing that can make women feel really icky about the date. While it may not have been your intention, that’s the sort of thing that comes across either as playing weird power games or — worse — sends the message that you think she’s good enough to f

k but not enough to date. My general rule of thumb is that sleeping with someone warrants contacting them the next day to say “hey, I had a great time,” if not after getting home. At the very least it’s polite and avoids giving the impression that you got what you wanted and couldn’t care less about them as a person.

All things considered, I’m not surprised she wasn’t interested in seeing you again; the lead up was great, but you seriously failed to stick the landing. It may have been well-intentioned cluelessness but intentions aren’t magic and don’t mitigate the fact that this probably wasn’t as great of a date for her by the end as it was for you.

The best thing you can do now is take this experience and learn from it. Don’t make the same mistakes again, and hopefully your next incredible date will be incredible for both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a relatively recent divorcee (about 6 months post D-Day) and I’ve had some trouble getting into the swing of being intimate with new partners. I’ve read your blog for a while and have found it quite helpful with dating advice and with self improvement. So I figured maybe you can help me out.

So a little background to explain my situation. I got married very young (I was 20 years old!). And we were married for about 9.5 years. We have 2 awesome little guys together and are good co-parents. My ex and I decided a couple years before we got divorced that we would try polyamory. We had both been interested in it for a while before hand and thought it would bring us together like it had with some friends of ours. We probably should have realized that we were more interested in being just friends with each other but that’s water under the bridge. Eventually we realized that the romance and attraction was gone in the marriage and saw a couple marriage counselors before deciding to file for divorce.

Now to the heart of the matter. I have actually been really successful with dating in my opinion. I’ve actually been mostly focusing on finding myself and living my life for myself and my kiddos. Also on being the fun persons I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve mostly stuck with online dating because it’s the easiest option for a now single dad. I’ve met a few girls I’ve liked and discovered a problem. When it comes to sexy time I panic and get out of the mood right as things are about to get fun.

More specifically I met two girls who wanted to sleep with me and with both of them the time got ruined by my own brain. In both cases things started out okay with foreplay but I just couldn’t get over a fear of being impotent and panicking about how I was going to have another failed relationship. The first girl I wasn’t that physically attracted to so I thought maybe it was that combined with the newness of being single after so long. The second girl I’m really really attracted to not only physically but she and I really hit off when we are hanging out. This time I also panicked because I hadn’t felt a connection like this in a really long time and I thought I must be falling for this girl way too fast.

So I’ve been seeing a counselor for a bit related to depression/anxiety but otherwise I am in pretty good physical health (I’m 30 and ran a marathon this past fall and have started training for more races this year). Do you have any advice for men to help get over the feeling of impotence and the fears surrounding this touchy subject. I love you blog and I hope that maybe this can help not just me but other guys out there struggling.

Yours truly

Single Dad Looking for Help

DEAR SINGLE DAD LOOKING FOR HELP: Dude. DUDE. Go easy on yourself, man. You’re only six months out of a nearly decade long relationship. Even in a mostly amicable divorce, that’s going to do a number on your brain. You need to recognize that you are still in a state of transition. You have ten years worth of habits and behaviors built up like the relationship equivalent of muscle memory, only now half of those muscles aren‘t there anymore. Relationships change our identity at a fundamental level. We don’t just become two people who live together, we merge into a single gestalt entity like a fleshy Voltron that can’t agree on what to eat on Saturday night. Only now part of you is gone and there’s a part of your brain that’s kinda freaking out at that while it heals and you rediscover who you are now.

So you need to give yourself a break here. I’m not saying “don’t date”, but I am saying “turn down your expectations”. You wouldn’t expect to run a marathon three months after having busted your ankle, would you? You’re still in the break-up equivalent of physical therapy; it’s going to take some time to get back into competitive shape again. Rushing things because you “should” be ready is a great way to re-injure yourself.

Here’s how you deal with these issues you’re having.

First: you quit worrying about the future. The only thing you should be interested in with these girls is “right now”. Maybe things won’t work out with them. That’s fine: that’s for the future. You are just going to enjoy what you have right now. Right now, you’re realizing that women still think you’re damn sexy. Right now, you’re remembering that you have options and that being divorced isn’t the end of the word. Right now, you are just going experience things to their fullest without worrying about what may happen later on. The future will take care of itself. You can enjoy what you have right now.

Second: Take your penis off the table. The great thing about sex is that there’s more to it than your junk and hers. If your penis won’t get hard, guess what? You still have two hands. You still have a tongue. You know what never goes soft at the wrong moment? Your fingers. Sex toys. Your mouth. So don’t put pressure on yourself to perform with your penis. Penetration is off the menu for a bit. Make out like teenagers without the expectation of f

king. Use your fingers and your thumbs to get her off. Use sex toys. Go down on her for so long that you grow gills. Learn – really learn – how much you can give someone pleasure without needing to make your cock the main event. The less pressure you put on yourself to have Magic Penis, the less likely that anxiety is going to rear it’s ugly head and deflate things like the saddest pool-toy.

Third: this one is important, so I want you to pay attention. You ready?

OK.

Stop referring to your marriage as a “failed relationship”. Tattoo that backwards on your forehead so you see it in the mirror when you wake up. Shave your head if you need the room.

Your relationship didn’t fail, your relationship ended. There’s a difference. Not every relationship is going to last forever, and not every relationship should. Not every relationship is going to be an epic love story. Some are going to be short stories. Some are going to be dirty limericks. And that’s fine.

You’re not a failure because you or your wife didn’t die in the saddle. You were together for ten years, you have some awesome kids and you are able to co-parent successfully? That’s f

king impressive, man. The fact that you and your ex-wife are able to work together to raise your kids, that you have this core of, if not affection than at least respect for one another and that you don’t look at each other and wish you could just flay the skin off the other and throw them into a vat of tequila? That’s a sign that your relationship was a success. All that happened is that your relationship came to its natural end. That’s not failure by any stretch of the imagination.

So give yourself a break, SDLFH. You’ve got a lot going for you, but I think you’re expecting too much all at once. Take some time. Enjoy the present without worrying about the future. And realize that yes, your marriage may have ended… but it was still a success for what it was.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am writing in hopes that you may have some helpful or otherwise inspiring information regarding my best friend. He is an incredibly depressed 26 year old virgin with absolutely no self esteem.

As of this writing, I confess that I have exhausted my ability to help and am rapidly losing patience with his inability to be positive, but he is so incredibly smart that it’s hard to argue with him as he makes some depressing yet unfortunately realistic points.

I met ‘X’ (for anonymity sake) in 2009 while working at a local radio station. We instantly bonded over mutual love for music and I will be the first to tell you that he is a great guy. He is extremely smart, funny and good natured but suffers from crippling depression and terrible social anxiety.

X will often avoid the topic of women and relationships like a plague but whenever we do discuss dating, he insist that he has “nothing to offer a woman” or that “his taste is unrealistic” or “guys like me just belong in the Friend Zone.”

The funny thing is that if anyone were to meet X, they may have no clue there is anything wrong. He is very funny and has become good at faking being social, but is so strangely convinced that no woman would ever want anything more than a platonic friendship.

A little bit about X:

He’s not ugly, but honestly not great looking. (Charlie Day with a bigger beard)

He’s only 5’6″ (I’m 5’8″ and my height has never been an issue, but he insists “no woman wants a manlet”)

He was bullied in High School and College for not being a “guys guy” as he puts it.

His last and only girlfriend was gorgeous, but treated him like s

t before dumping him on Valentines Day.

He has no real friends, just me and his band (although they do treat him like s

t)

He doesn’t drink or do drugs which he thinks makes him boring.

He insists that “Online Dating is only for attractive guys”

He is terrified that he’s gonna end up as some single mother’s personal ATM

My girlfriend even admits that she doesn’t like him and refuses to introduce him to any of her friends.

My question to you is Is there any hope for this poor guy? I truly believe that he could make some girl very happy but how do you convince someone who has seemingly only seen the worst of society that good people still exist?

Cheers,

Friend Indeed

DEAR FRIEND INDEED: Oof.  I feel for ya, FI; there really isn’t much that’s more frustrating than trying to help somebody who steadfastly refuses to be helped. And therein lies the problem: he refuses to be helped. One of the keys to changing and improving is that he has to believe that change is even possible in the first place.

Like a lot of people I encounter – in consultations, in the letters I get and in the comments section – it seems like your buddy X has made “I Am Hopeless and Pathetic” part of his identity. Once the idea of “Not Being Good With Girls” and “Nobody Wants Me” becomes part of who you are – and in fairness, having folks bully him for not being sufficiently manly would be a big part of it – it’s very hard to shake. We instinctively want to protect our identity, even when it hurts us. When we run across things that challenge our identity, the Backfire Effect kicks in and makes us double down on what we already believe. Look at the incel (or “involuntarily celibate”) community; it becomes an example of nominative determinism, where by having adopted the identity, you have also accepted that you are functionally hopeless. And while the despair and frustration is understandable… if you define yourself as being uniquely f

ked by the universe, then you’ve basically given away your power. You have made yourself helpless. And it’s very much a self-reinforcing cycle; nobody likes an Eeyore and the guys who are the most vocal about how much it sucks that women don’t like guys like them tend to actively turn off women. I mean, if he’s going on and on about how hypergamous single mothers are gonna steal his money and leave him taking care of somebody else’s kid, I’m not f

king surprised that your girlfriend won’t inflict him on her friends.

Unfortunately, like a Buddhist monk paying twenty bucks for a five dollar hot dog, your friend has to discover that true change comes from within. You can provide him with counter-arguments – Oscar Isaac is 5’7″, Daniel Radcliffe is 5’5″ and so on. You can offer to be his wingman, to take him shopping or to singles mixers or even just drag his ass to therapy. But at the end of the day, unless he decides to change, nothing is going to happen.

What he needs is to do is scrap everything and start over. The first thing he should do ditch his asshole bandmates so he doesn’t have their toxic bulls

t weighing him down. Then he needs to get himself into therapy and talking to a counselor who can help him deal with the very real psychic pain he’s carrying around. If he can start learning that those past experiences were legitimately awful but things he can recover from, then he can start making the life changes that’ll help him become the sort of person he always dreams about being. But none of that can start until he gets his s

t together.

So you COULD get him copies of my books New Game + and When It Clicks, and wave them under his nose like a talisman. But until he makes up his mind that yes, he can change, he’s just going to make things worse for himself.

The only thing I can suggest is that you draw a line in the sand: until he starts talking to a therapist – not just “thinks about it” or “goes once” but actually commits – then you’re not going to listen to his complaints any more. You have the roadmap to his recovery, but if he’s going to refuse to follow it… well, you’re not going to listen to him dig himself in any deeper.

You can lead him to the path he needs to talk, but it’s on him to walk it.

Good luck, FI. And let us know how things go with your buddy.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com