DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How can I look less intimidating and scary and more open and friendly? Or more interested in dating in general? 

Thing is, I am 21 years old virgin who have never been in romantic relationship before. I suppose I am late bloomer – I haven’t been interested in guys, dating and sex until very recently. There also have never been many guys around (my majors both in the University and high school were to do with liberal arts which meant that most of my class-mates were girls) so I am kind of not used to communication with them and to be honest a little bit afraid of them. 

But apparently they are afraid of me even more. Or so I’ve been told many times. It appears that by first impression I always look like I am made of ice or iron, very reserved and strict as if I am silently judging everyone and generally hard to approach. Which is not true at all, I am very happy if people approach me at parties and the likes and love to meet new people in general. Still, it seems guys of my age find courage to talk to me only after consuming lots of alcohol. (Older men is another story though, I’ve been told that I usually behave not like my age but much older and that seems to attract men over 40 who usually have wives already). 

How to change that? Smile to everyone around me? Change something in body language? 

Also, many people seem to assume that I already have a boyfriend. Maybe I look so uninterested that people think that I’m already attached? What one should do to show that they are interested in dating? 

I don’t think that I am unattractive, rude, mean or that socially awkward yet I am single. My parents and friends pressure me a little bit to find someone and maybe I do feel a little lonely while watching romcoms and yearn for some affection. That’s why I decided it’s time to do something about the impression I have on people so when I finally make myself go to those magic places where you can meet a lot of single guys I keep hearing about I’ll be ready. 

I would appreciate any advice and would like to thank you in advance! 

PS: I am sorry for bad grammar; English is not my native language. 

Iron Lady

DEAR IRON LADY: Without seeing you in person, it can be hard to diagnose the problem… in as much as there is one, anyway. To start with, it could depend on the people you’re hanging out with. A lot of liberal-arts types are often shy or introverted, possibly even a little intimidated by you; a lot of guys get anxious over the idea of approaching someone they find especially attractive because they fear they may not measure up. If you’re especially driven and ambitious, they might worry they have to be at least your equal or you might not consider them “worth your time”. As a result: it takes a little booze to ease the anxiety and serve as a little social lubricant.  Older men tend to be more secure in themselves, especially with younger women; they’ve frequently worked through their hang-ups and often feel that their age gives them a leg up, status-wise. This may be part of why so many older gentlemen feel comfortable approaching you; they feel like they’ve got less ego on the line.

Keep in mind: this is their problem, not yours. If a guy is intimidated by your accomplishments – perceived and actual – then they need to work on their hang-ups.

I suspect though that at least part of this has to do with the fact that you’re a late bloomer yourself. You haven’t had much social experience and you’re more a little intimidated by guys yourself. This may be causing you to come off as uninterested or reserved when in reality, you’re actually just a little shy. I would start by checking your body language. I’m guessing you tend to stand a little pointed away from other people, possibly with your arms crossed. This tends to read as “closed-off”; holding your arms across your torso  – crossing your arms, holding your drink like a shield, etc. – is often a defensive look that says you’d rather people keep their distance. Pointing your body away indicates that you’re directing your attention elsewhere, which carries the message that you don’t have any interest in what they have to say. Letting your arms hang loosely at your side, letting your body relax so you don’t look like a soldier at attention and angling your body towards the people you’re talking to will come across as much more open and approachable than someone who seems like they’re inspecting the troops.

I also suspect that you may not be smiling much, or at least that your smile isn’t necessarily being “read” as a smile to others. You’ve almost undoubtedly have heard of “Resting Bitch Face” used to describe people who seem angry or stern when they’re not making the effort to smile. It’s obviously a term that was coined for comedic effect but there are people – women and men – who come off as stone-faced or even angry without intending to. In fact, this is a problem I’ve had to work on; I may be having a good time, but people think I’m upset because I look so serious. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to smile more – a wider, more obvious smile than my usual sardonic smirk or solemn mien.

It seems silly, but practicing holding a friendly, inviting smile can help, especially if you’re not terribly expressive on a day to day basis.

Now, one thing you can do in social situations where you’re looking to meet people is to give what some call “approach invitations” – in this case, meeting someone’s eyes and then giving them a smile. Some folks respond well to the classic “meet the eyes, look away, meet the eyes again and smile”. Both of these are natural signs that you want them to come over and talk to you.

But while this is all well and good, I’d also advise you to take your social life in your hands and approach guys you’re interested in rather than waiting for them to notice you. If they’re afraid that you’re cold and unfriendly, coming up to them and saying “Hi, you seem like you’re cool and I wanted to meet you, my name is Iron Lady…” is going to let them know you really are a warm and caring person they should get to know. Don’t be afraid to be willing to make the first move, including asking them out on dates; luck tends to favor people who make their own opportunities rather than waiting for them to happen. It can be a little nerve-wracking at first – ask any guy about how nervous they get about approaching someone they’re attracted to – but experience and practice will help you get more comfortable making the first move and getting to know awesome people.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader for a while and your advice has helped me understand some things about relationships. My current issue basically boils down to some miscommunication that ultimately led to 1.5 years of going after a girl (yeah, I know) ending quite abruptly.

So I met this girl (who happens to be Indian and I’m white) when she joined my workplace which is already a dicey situation for romance. I quickly developed an interest in her and it seemed like we hit it off pretty well. Normally, I would just ask her out on a date but with the workplace situation I was concerned with the possible career ramifications if things go awry or she bristled at the notion of me asking her out. So I foolishly decided that it would be an okay idea to play the long game.

We hung out with others more in the beginning but she then asked me if I wanted to go on a day trip hiking with her. Of course I’m thinking, “Hmm, does she just want to go with someone on the hike or was she asking me specifically?” Things went well but never really took off from there (which is difficult what with me making very oblique references to my interest in her).

After some time she stopped asking me out and it was just me trying to keep things alive. Furthermore, while should used to respond quickly to my texts to hang out with a resounding yes (I’m always looking for that “soft no” but didn’t believe I could find it), hours would now pass before a response. This then got to a weird situation where I would ask her to hang out, she would say yes, and then repeatedly flake on me the day of with some excuse which didn’t seem probable given how many times it happened (why does she do this? Couldn’t she give me a soft no instead of blowing my plans on the weekend? Or did she change her mind after the fact?).

Fast forward to last week where we had made plans again (which I had finally decided to ask her out after moving to separate teams) only to have her say that, in fact, she was moving out of her apartment that day and couldn’t go. She’s says, “Let’s try next weekend!”. The next weekend (yeah, I can’t help myself) I take her up on that offer and she says she can’t because her relatives are in town to help her with wedding shopping because she is getting married! Well, that felt like the most powerful sucker punch I’d ever taken. The wedding planning had apparently been going on for several months and I was just informed via canceling our plans.

Now, I don’t know if there were cultural aspects at play that really tripped me up in concert with the fact that I’m not experienced in the dating game myself. Can you help me put this whole thing in perspective? Did it ever seem like there was a chance with us or did she always see me as a friend at best? How did the whole work situation influence things? What was the deal with the flaking; that’s not okay, right? Why did she wait so long to tell me she was getting married? Did I blow this whole thing up in my head much bigger than it was?

Thanks,

– Mystifyingly Mixed Messages

DEAR MYSTIFYINGLY MIXED MESSAGES: You made this into a bigger deal than it was, M3.

Here’s what happened in a nutshell: she most likely saw you as a friend at first. She asked you out on an outing – whether it was a date or not (hey, hiking can make an excellent first date!) is up in the air, since likely neither of you really attempted to clarify the situation – but it’s pretty clear you saw this as more than she did. After the hike, she apparently decided that she wasn’t into you for some reason. She just may have decided she wasn’t attracted to you. She may have gotten the hint that you were more into her than she was. Or who knows, maybe she got into a relationship with someone else around the same time.

Regardless, she was trying to give you the wave-off without being direct about it. Hence the delays in responses to your texts, the last-minute flakes, etc. She was trying to do a version of The Fade-Out and hoping that you were going to get the hint. Whether she was doing it well is another question entirely, but the fact remains that she was telling you she wasn’t interested without actually coming out and saying it.

Making plans you have no intention of following up on and flaking at the last minute is almost cartoonishly rude. Like, to the point of bad sitcom character levels of antisocial behavior. Better to just say “no, thanks,” or “Hey, I’m seeing someone” or “I’m clinically dead and infested by lizards” than to constantly say “ok, sure” and then pull a no-show on the day of.

Why was she doing this? She could be just that inconsiderate. I doubt it, but it’s a possibility. My rule of thumb, however, is to not attribute to malice that which could equally be attributed to social awkwardness. And believe me, women can be just as socially awkward as men can.

What I suspect is that she’s severely conflict averse under the best of circumstances. It’s entirely possible – likely even – that when you’d ask her out in person, she felt like she couldn’t refuse gracefully or didn’t know how to. When in a situation where you’re constantly up in each other’s business, such as when you work closely together, it’s a little harder to do the “I’m too busy” line when it’s entirely possible that you’ll hear about her real plans through the company grapevine. It can also feel more difficult to take a hard-line refusal with someone you have to see every day; you may worry that it’d directly impact your work life.

So: seriously rude behavior… but I doubt there was any ill-intent behind it, just someone being bad at handling conflict and confrontation no matter how mild.

TL;DR: she wasn’t interested and you weren’t getting the hint. It would’ve been much better all around for her to be direct (or at least more overt) and not constantly blowing you off. But what’s done is done. There wasn’t much you could do to prevent her flaking on you. The best thing you could’ve done is to simply move on.

Just remember: flaking is like unreturned messages. Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action her sending you a message.

Better luck next time, M3.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a geeky girl in college, a gamer, very socially active, and generally a direct person.  I’ve been asked out a few times at parties and I’d like to switch things up by asking (other geeky) guys out myself, but… there’s always a but.

What’s holding me back is, well, sex.  Or more like expectations about sex.  The impression I’ve generally gotten is that the older my peers are, the less time they wait before having sex.  I’d like to date and get to know some guys, but I’m not interested in hooking up or doing anything sexual with a relative acquaintance or someone I’m not in at least a semi-serious relationship with.  The other thing is that if a woman is forward and initiates contact, the expectation seems to be that she’s experienced and well aware of how to flirt, and I don’t really have any experience with guys romantically or sexually.  

So basically, how do I flirt with guys and ask them out while making it clear we’re not about to tumble into bed at the end of the first date… or the second… and so on without scaring them off?  And while minimizing potential awkward and misunderstandings.  I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to.

Takes Her Time

DEAR TAKES HER TIME: It’s pretty simple, THT; you just tell ’em.

Now, it’s true that there are a lot of guys who expect some sort of accelerated time-table when it comes to sex; some will expect it as soon as humanly possible, others have their own version of the three date rule, where if the girl doesn’t put out within three dates, he moves on to the next one in line.

Thing is: this isn’t all men by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, yeah, just about every guy out there will want sex as quickly as he can get it… after all, sex is pretty damn awesome when you do it right. But just because we’re willing to bang out as soon as it’s offered doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of guys who will quite happily take the time that is required for the two of you to reach the level comfort and intimacy you feel you need before you’re ready to sleep with him.

Don’t let random bullshit ideas about gender roles hold you back from being willing to make the first move. Just because you were willing to approach a guy doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to move faster than you feel comfortable with.

Now, as for how you tell them? Well, you said it pretty well in your letter. “I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to,” is concise, to the point and sets up exactly what to expect.

When you tell them can be tricky; you don’t really want to blurt it out between the endive salad and the coq au vin, when it would be a bit of a non-sequitur but you also don’t want to wait until his pants are around his ankles and he’s giving you then “Eh? Eh?” head-gestures.  I would recommend relatively soon into the first significant make-out session; some time after the first good-night kiss and before he’s going for some under-the-shirt action. Pull back a second and let him know where you stand.

And don’t stress out about chasing guys off or standing firm. A guy who isn’t willing to accept your limits is not a guy you want to date. If knowing he’s not getting a beej by the second date is going to make him look for other pastures, you really aren’t suffering any great loss. He’s just putting you one more step closer to finding a guy who is right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “Friends with Benefits” relationships. An old friend and I have slipped into one of these after drunkenly hooking up one night. I have no interest in dating her at all and she says that she is ok with that, and she just wants to hook up.

However I’m really nervous now because this relationship is secret and we basically have the same circle of friends. And I’ve heard from people that these types of relationships always end in disaster. While I’m enjoying the “benefits” of this relationship, is it really destined to end terribly? And when I meet a girl that i want to start a real relationship with, do you think we will be able to end it with her without hurt feelings?

Threading The Needle

DEAR THREADING THE NEEDLE: Here’s the secret to making a casual or FWB relationship work: put less emphasis on the “casual” or “with benefits” part and more on the “friend” and “relationship” parts.

The single biggest reason why casual relationships end with people being hurt is because people treat the “casual” label as an excuse to treat the person they’re in the relationship casually. There’s a tendency to see casual relationships or FWBs as less “real” or “meaningful” than more traditional, committed relationships and, as a result, we get careless with other people’s feelings in ways we wouldn’t if we slapped the “boyfriend/girlfriend” label on it.

Even if the relationship is purely sexual and you are both aware that nothing else will ever come of it, that doesn’t mean that the only thing to do is show up, have sex, wipe yourself off on the curtains and take off. You may not want to go on romantic, candle-lit dinners or trips to gorgeous, secluded B&Bs, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be treating the person you’re banging with respect and friendship.

Hell, even if you both agree that you’re doing this to scratch an itch, nobody likes being treated like a human-shaped sex-toy (with the exception of having actually agreed to that up front, anyway). That’s a great way to turn an enjoyable and fulfilling relationship into something filled with regret and remorse.

The way you keep a FWB relationship from ending badly is the same way you keep any other relationship from ending badly: open communication and honesty. Be straight forward with how you feel, be open and receptive to how she feels. Keep those lines of communication open and make sure that she knows that she can talk to you about the relationship. Hell, it may not be a bad idea to have occasional check-ins to make sure you’re both getting your needs met and you’re on the same page.

Want to know how to poison a FWB relationship from the get-go? Treat it as something shameful or something that’s doomed. I can appreciate wanting to be discrete, but you need to keep in mind: this isn’t about how your friends may feel, this is about the two of you. It’s up to you two to decide what the rules are for your relationship; nobody else gets a say.

And while I totally can understand the fun of having a dirty little secret, sometimes the stress of keeping things on the down-low can overtake the thrill of sneaking around.

Part of the way you can negate any potential drama from people finding out is by not treating it like a shameful secret you two have to take to the grave. You may not want to make out in front of your friends, but you don’t have to pretend like you aren’t banging, especially if folks ask. A good rule of thumb when it comes to avoiding drama is to not treat this like a big deal. You’re friends, occasionally you hook up, it’s all good. If your friends aren’t the type of people who can understand that not every relationship has to be moving towards the white-picket-fence/two-cars/two-point-five-kids goal and are going to give you s

t for that… well, it may be time to consider whether these are friends you want in your life.

But here’s the thing: every relationship ends until one doesn’t. Friends with benefits relationships always end one of two ways: either you quit having sex, or you quit being friends. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed either way. You may decide to stop having sex because one of you has fallen for someone else, or because you decide the sexual side of your friendship has come to it’s natural and mutual conclusion. You may stop being friends because you fell in love and now you’re “officially” dating… hell, you may drift apart naturally, for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that you were sleeping together.

It’s impossible to say whether you would be able to end the sexual aspect of your relationship without pain or tears – there’re so many variables that you’d get better results rolling a d20 and hoping to make your Save Vs. Drama (with advantage). But then again: there are no guarantees that you can end ANY type of relationship, sexual or platonic, without hurt feelings. All I can say is that being a stand-up, honest and compassionate guy will make things easier regardless of how it ends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)