DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a geeky girl in college, a gamer, very socially active, and generally a direct person.  I’ve been asked out a few times at parties and I’d like to switch things up by asking (other geeky) guys out myself, but… there’s always a but.

What’s holding me back is, well, sex.  Or more like expectations about sex.  The impression I’ve generally gotten is that the older my peers are, the less time they wait before having sex.  I’d like to date and get to know some guys, but I’m not interested in hooking up or doing anything sexual with a relative acquaintance or someone I’m not in at least a semi-serious relationship with.  The other thing is that if a woman is forward and initiates contact, the expectation seems to be that she’s experienced and well aware of how to flirt, and I don’t really have any experience with guys romantically or sexually.  

So basically, how do I flirt with guys and ask them out while making it clear we’re not about to tumble into bed at the end of the first date… or the second… and so on without scaring them off?  And while minimizing potential awkward and misunderstandings.  I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to.

Takes Her Time

DEAR TAKES HER TIME: It’s pretty simple, THT; you just tell ’em.

Now, it’s true that there are a lot of guys who expect some sort of accelerated time-table when it comes to sex; some will expect it as soon as humanly possible, others have their own version of the three date rule, where if the girl doesn’t put out within three dates, he moves on to the next one in line.

Thing is: this isn’t all men by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, yeah, just about every guy out there will want sex as quickly as he can get it… after all, sex is pretty damn awesome when you do it right. But just because we’re willing to bang out as soon as it’s offered doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of guys who will quite happily take the time that is required for the two of you to reach the level comfort and intimacy you feel you need before you’re ready to sleep with him.

Don’t let random bullshit ideas about gender roles hold you back from being willing to make the first move. Just because you were willing to approach a guy doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to move faster than you feel comfortable with.

Now, as for how you tell them? Well, you said it pretty well in your letter. “I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to,” is concise, to the point and sets up exactly what to expect.

When you tell them can be tricky; you don’t really want to blurt it out between the endive salad and the coq au vin, when it would be a bit of a non-sequitur but you also don’t want to wait until his pants are around his ankles and he’s giving you then “Eh? Eh?” head-gestures.  I would recommend relatively soon into the first significant make-out session; some time after the first good-night kiss and before he’s going for some under-the-shirt action. Pull back a second and let him know where you stand.

And don’t stress out about chasing guys off or standing firm. A guy who isn’t willing to accept your limits is not a guy you want to date. If knowing he’s not getting a beej by the second date is going to make him look for other pastures, you really aren’t suffering any great loss. He’s just putting you one more step closer to finding a guy who is right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “Friends with Benefits” relationships. An old friend and I have slipped into one of these after drunkenly hooking up one night. I have no interest in dating her at all and she says that she is ok with that, and she just wants to hook up.

However I’m really nervous now because this relationship is secret and we basically have the same circle of friends. And I’ve heard from people that these types of relationships always end in disaster. While I’m enjoying the “benefits” of this relationship, is it really destined to end terribly? And when I meet a girl that i want to start a real relationship with, do you think we will be able to end it with her without hurt feelings?

Threading The Needle

DEAR THREADING THE NEEDLE: Here’s the secret to making a casual or FWB relationship work: put less emphasis on the “casual” or “with benefits” part and more on the “friend” and “relationship” parts.

The single biggest reason why casual relationships end with people being hurt is because people treat the “casual” label as an excuse to treat the person they’re in the relationship casually. There’s a tendency to see casual relationships or FWBs as less “real” or “meaningful” than more traditional, committed relationships and, as a result, we get careless with other people’s feelings in ways we wouldn’t if we slapped the “boyfriend/girlfriend” label on it.

Even if the relationship is purely sexual and you are both aware that nothing else will ever come of it, that doesn’t mean that the only thing to do is show up, have sex, wipe yourself off on the curtains and take off. You may not want to go on romantic, candle-lit dinners or trips to gorgeous, secluded B&Bs, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be treating the person you’re banging with respect and friendship.

Hell, even if you both agree that you’re doing this to scratch an itch, nobody likes being treated like a human-shaped sex-toy (with the exception of having actually agreed to that up front, anyway). That’s a great way to turn an enjoyable and fulfilling relationship into something filled with regret and remorse.

The way you keep a FWB relationship from ending badly is the same way you keep any other relationship from ending badly: open communication and honesty. Be straight forward with how you feel, be open and receptive to how she feels. Keep those lines of communication open and make sure that she knows that she can talk to you about the relationship. Hell, it may not be a bad idea to have occasional check-ins to make sure you’re both getting your needs met and you’re on the same page.

Want to know how to poison a FWB relationship from the get-go? Treat it as something shameful or something that’s doomed. I can appreciate wanting to be discrete, but you need to keep in mind: this isn’t about how your friends may feel, this is about the two of you. It’s up to you two to decide what the rules are for your relationship; nobody else gets a say.

And while I totally can understand the fun of having a dirty little secret, sometimes the stress of keeping things on the down-low can overtake the thrill of sneaking around.

Part of the way you can negate any potential drama from people finding out is by not treating it like a shameful secret you two have to take to the grave. You may not want to make out in front of your friends, but you don’t have to pretend like you aren’t banging, especially if folks ask. A good rule of thumb when it comes to avoiding drama is to not treat this like a big deal. You’re friends, occasionally you hook up, it’s all good. If your friends aren’t the type of people who can understand that not every relationship has to be moving towards the white-picket-fence/two-cars/two-point-five-kids goal and are going to give you s

t for that… well, it may be time to consider whether these are friends you want in your life.

But here’s the thing: every relationship ends until one doesn’t. Friends with benefits relationships always end one of two ways: either you quit having sex, or you quit being friends. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed either way. You may decide to stop having sex because one of you has fallen for someone else, or because you decide the sexual side of your friendship has come to it’s natural and mutual conclusion. You may stop being friends because you fell in love and now you’re “officially” dating… hell, you may drift apart naturally, for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that you were sleeping together.

It’s impossible to say whether you would be able to end the sexual aspect of your relationship without pain or tears – there’re so many variables that you’d get better results rolling a d20 and hoping to make your Save Vs. Drama (with advantage). But then again: there are no guarantees that you can end ANY type of relationship, sexual or platonic, without hurt feelings. All I can say is that being a stand-up, honest and compassionate guy will make things easier regardless of how it ends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a geek girl with a problem. I’m super attracted to geeks, mostly because of the whole similar interests thing. As you have said sometimes geeks are shy, I’m pretty shy too, but I’ve finally gotten to the point where I am more comfortable asking people out. I was told (by an ex) that relationships never work out when a girl makes the first move, it sounds ridiculous in my head, but could he be right? Obviously I haven’t had a relationship work out (or I likely wouldn’t be looking for a new one) but I haven’t had someone I’ve asked out work out at all. Am I doing something wrong? Should I still stay shy?

Shrinking Violet

DEAR SHRINKING VIOLET: To put it mildly, your ex is an idiot.

There are any number of reasons why a relationship might not work out whether it’s because of sexual incompatibility, emotional disconnects or even just your lives going in different directions. The idea that a relationship won’t work based on who asked whom out first? You might as well insist that you can’t ask someone out on days where you see a pigeon take a s

t and b) really amusing when you get all of the dudes complaining about why women “don’t approach more“.

I know people who come up with all sorts of contrived “rules” about when you can ask people out and when you can’t, whether it’s within a three month span between Christmas and Valentine’s Day or within X days/weeks/months of someone else asking them out because of some bulls

t while flying east-northeast because the relationship will never work; you’ll have about the same level of accuracy.

To steal a line from my celebrity Patronus, every relationship fails until one doesn’t. The idea that a woman asking a man out automatically dooms a relationship is a) bulls

t reason and it all comes down to magical thinking and confirmation bias.

If you like a dude and you’re moved to ask him out, then by all means, do so! The only thing I would caution you about is that some guys – especially the mores socially inexperienced – may assume a greater level of interest than you actually have; some guys take a woman asking him out or making the first move as a sign that said woman is under his sexual thrall and they’re off to make 30 minutes of squishy noises any minute now. But hey, if that happens… well, it’s one of the risks of putting yourself out there.

And if he turns out to be one of those idiots who is threatened by the slightest alteration in traditional gender roles, then really, you’re better off not dating him, aren’t you?

Go ask out some cute nerdboys. You’ll be glad you did.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: was wondering if you could help me with a problem. I know most people write to you asking how to get OUT of the friend zone, but I’d like your advice on getting INTO it. Allow me to elaborate:

There’s this girl at work who likes me, but I don’t share her feelings. She wants to go out with me, but I’m really not interested in a relationship. It’s not like there’s any problem with her. Simply put; she’s in MY friend zone.

I met her at work. The company I work for was preparing to open a new branch near my job site, so they hired a bunch of new trainees. She was one of the new people me and my coworkers helped to train.

She apparently took an interest in me because I’m bilingual and she studies foreign languages, which was nothing new for me because I’ve had numerous coworkers who study foreign languages and they’re always interested. I gave her the standard carbon copy routine I give everyone who ever asked about my language skills: Yes, I’ve lived overseas. Yes, most of my family is bilingual too. Yes, I sometimes dream in two languages. Yes, I can watch foreign movies without subtitles. No, I can’t think in one language and speak in another. Etc. Etc.

At one point she asked if I’ve ever had a foreign language job, and I mentioned that I regularly write for a foreign language website. Shortly after that, she found my twitter account on the website and began asking questions about my experiences via twitter after she started working at the new branch. 

Over the next month, she would often ask about me, my hobbies, and things like that. I kind of got a hint that she liked me but I wasn’t completely sure until today when I ran into her and she abruptly asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner some time. I was kind of caught off guard at the moment and sort of mumbled, “Yeah, sure.” and watched her half-walk, half-skip away. Now I feel like a total douche because I realized that since I feel no romantic attraction to this girl, if I don’t do something, I’ll be stringing her along like the so many girls I pursued back in high school who I’d follow like an obedient little puppy. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t dislike her or anything. It’s just that I don’t feel any romantic emotions for her. She is, to repeat my earlier statement, in my friend zone.

I don’t know what to do here. I’ve spent all my life chasing after girls, I don’t know how to deal with being on the opposite side. How can I get her to stop liking me without hurting her?

On another note, do you have any idea why she started liking me to begin with? I treated her the same as I did all the other trainees, I don’t recall ever sending any overt signals that I was interested in her, I even told her about my geek hobbies (computers, movies, anime, and a video game collection that could choke a whale) when she asked, which up until now would usually send girls packing. Where did I go right, the one time I didn’t mean to?

Sincerely, 

Bad Wolf

DEAR BAD WOLF: Well that’s a first. It’s not very often we hear from a guy trying to figure out how to let a girl know he’s not interested.

First things first: unfortunately, there is no guaranteed painless way to let someone know you’re not interested. If there were, we wouldn’t have an entire genre of music devoted to “I Love You Why Won’t You Return My Feelings?”

On the other hand, we’d be getting rid of at least 90% of Taylor Swift’s career. So, mixed bag.

The best thing you can do is be short and direct: tell her you’re flattered, but you’re just not into her that way. It’ll suck for her, but the clean break heals fastest and shows respect for her by not dragging it out or stringing her along.

Now as for why she’s into you: you’re her superior, which means you are essentially a leader and many women find that attractive. You treat her like the other trainees, which can be seen as confidence. Also:  you’re exotic to her. You’ve lived an interesting life – you’ve lived overseas, you speak two languages fluently, you have a job that entails writing in your non-native language… these are all things that set you apart from just about everybody she’s used to. If you’re into anime, you’ve undoubtedly seen the trope of the transfer student who used to live abroad and came back home more worldly and experienced than his peers.

Guess what, BW? That’s you. And she’s the giggly classmate with a crush.

You’ve done things she’s never done, seen things she’s never seen… all of this can make someone quite the dashing figure. Hell, she may well have dreams of living abroad herself one day… and here you are, a living example of her goal.

Long story short, you’ve demonstrated a host of qualities that women find attractive, you just didn’t realize you were doing it. Keep this in mind for next time you’re interested in someone else: you have a lot more going for you than you give yourself credit for.

Oh, and quit treating being a geek like it’s a bad thing. Lots of women are into geeky dudes. Just ask Shrinking Violet up there.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How can I be less awkward with friends and acquaintances?

My case is of awkwardness is an oddity in my mind. On one hand I have next to no problem doing long presentations in class ( last week I did a solo one that took 15 minutes) but on the other is the fact that I am terrible at carrying on a conversation. In many ways I fit the criteria for being socially awkward and possibly social anxious but as I said above in many other ways I do not.

Even now I am struggling to describe my case to you, overall though I just don’t know how to act in and carry on conversation. Allot of the time I am totally fine with the everyday small talk but at the times it matters most like one on one I tend to fall flat.

Off the top of my head I can think of a few things that absolutely kill me. The first being saying hi to people in the hall way, most of the time I just try not to but when I do it often comes across as awkward. Another is talking to close friends, frustratingly I even struggle to carry on or even think of a conversation with them. My last example is not knowing how to walk or carry myself on without thinking about how I should walk or look, I am the stereotypical person that wonders what to do with their arms and shoulders.

Please try to help me with this Doc, I am tired of doubting myself and feeling like I’m too socially maladjusted to build a meaningful relationship

Thanks for your time (I really appreciate it),

-Socially Confused

DEAR SOCIALLY CONFUSED: Here’s your problem: you’re overthinking things. Big time.

The reason why you don’t have any problems doing presentations and the like is that you’ve spent time practicing them. You know exactly how they’re going to go – you’ve got the cadence down, you’ve anticipated potential questions, you’ve probably read it out loud in the mirror a few times just to make sure you had everything down. Basically: you were running on autopilot because you didn’t have to worry about any confusing variables that might trip you up.

But when you’re talking with people or doing everyday things, you’re flying without a net. You don’t know what to expect. This can be ok if it’s just day-to-day chit-chatting, but when it counts? OH SHIT, WHAT NOW? What if you do the wrong thing? What is the wrong thing? It could be anything! You don’t know what they’re thinking! You might say something weird! And then your jerkbrain takes over: oh god, what if you do say something weird, and then everyone’s going to hate you because of course the first thing that people do when their friends say something weird is alienate them and then send word down the network (because you know they have to have some sort of network, right?) and then everyone else is going to hate you and then for the rest of your life, you’re going to be The Weird Guy Everyone Hates, living on the outskirts of town and haunting your little rundown house as children make up stories about the weirdo who lives there.

Sound a little familiar?

You’re spending a lot of precious brain cycles thinking of all the strange and shameful things you’ve done or worrying about the things you might do. I’m willing to bet you’ve had moments where you were drifting off to sleep and then suddenly remembered something stupid or awkward that you did and suddenly you’re wide awake and can’t stop thinking about how embarrassed you are now for what you did then.

(Can you tell I’ve done a lot of that? Because I have.)

But here’s the thing: most of that weird, awkward shit that you think is life-changing? Nobody notices it. The people who do notice? They don’t really care. I can promise you: 99.999% of the time, you are the only person who’s freaking out about all of this. Nobody’s paying nearly as much attention to how you walk or what you’re doing with your arms and shoulders as you are. The times when they do react? They’re having something of an embarrassment-by-proxy moment because you’re so very clearly uncomfortable.

Just as our fears tend to be more about experiencing fear than the thing we’re afraid of, I suspect that your biggest issue is that you’re anxious about being anxious. It becomes a vicious circle, where you’re worried about doing something “wrong”, you become hyperaware of it, and once you’re that aware, you’re suddenly unsure what to do, which makes you even more anxious. It’s the classic centipede’s dilemma – the centipede was doing just fine until someone asked it how it timed it’s footsteps. Suddenly you’re paying absurd levels of attention to something you normally do unconsciously and before you know it, you’re falling back to the conscious incompetence stage of skill development and everything you do doesn’t make sense anymore.

So what do you do about this?

Well, you take a deep breath.

No, seriously. Start with a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose for the count of five, hold it, then breathe out through your mouth for the count of seven. Repeat that a few times. Breath control is one of the keys to dealing with anxiety, even social anxiety. Our bodies are very bad at understanding why they feel the way they do; they take the physical symptoms and extrapolate from there. Two of the key symptoms of fear and anxiety are a racing heartbeat and shortness of breath; taking time to control your breathing forces you to calm down, slowing your heart rate and letting everything in your body relax for a minute. Once you’ve relaxed, you’ll find that your brain isn’t racing quite as much and you’re not quite so worried about all those personal faux-pas that you’re convinced the rest of the world has noticed.

Next, you’re going to learn some mind control… except you’re going to control your own mind. Yoga and mindfulness meditation are like getting into the command console of your brain; they help you gain more control by making you more aware of your thoughts, feelings and muscles in the right way. Rather than having moments of sheer panic over what you should or shouldn’t be doing, you’re calm and in control, with the calm awareness that disperses panic and anxiety. It doesn’t take much – even just 15 minutes of meditation a day can have incredible results – and they’re easy to do in the privacy of your own room. There’re any number of yoga exercises for beginners online, and many, many meditation apps available for your computer or smartphone that will walk you through some basic techniques.

Getting your brain under control and becoming more intimate and familiar with your body, your posture and the way you carry yourself will help calm you down and let you relax. Once you’ve relaxed a little, you can realize that things aren’t quite as bad as you thought. By relaxing, you’re able to just be, to go with the flow instead of trying to fight upstream against your own anxieties. You’ll realize that all of this isn’t a big deal – you can just say “hi” without worrying about how you’re coming off because all you’re doing is greeting someone. If you mess up, you’ll be in a better place, where it’ll be easier to laugh or call out the awkward moment – and there’s no better way of destroying awkward moments than saying “huh, that was awkward” and just moving on like it’s no big deal.

And that’s the great secret: people will take their cues from you. If you treat the occasional awkward moment – ones we all have – as though they’re no big deal, then your friends and classmates will treat it like it’s no big deal. If they give you shit for it… well, they’re assholes. And what do we say to assholes?

Now, once you’ve gotten a better handle on your anxiety and you want to work on your physicality – that pesky “what do I do with my arms” issue – you may want to look and see if there’s anyone in your area teaching Alexander Technique. Many actors study it as a way of gaining finer control and awareness of their bodies, so to better physically inhabit their roles. It’s primarily a series of guided stretches and relaxation exercises – rather like yoga, in fact – that helps you be more well-aligned and physically relaxed. It may well be worth your time.

And don’t forget: if your anxiousness about being or feeling awkward is really causing you misery, it’s worth talking to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes just having someone to talk to about these issues can help relax you and calm you down.

But it’s like I said: you’re wound up and overthinking things and this is making you trip over your own metaphorical feet. Once you relax, you’ll find that things will come much easier to you and you won’t feel as awkward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)