DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I love reading your articles, and have a question for you that may be less applicable for your usual audience. But you’ve written before about virginity and toxic gender stereotypes, and I think your advice is always spot on.

Here’s my problem: I’m a nerd who’s never really struggled with dating until now and faith has been formative in my life. I grew up in a very religious home, and through high school and college came into my own more nuanced perspective on faith and doubt and living in the productive tension between the two. And naturally this influenced my perspective on dating and sex.

I’ve been friends with a lovely person for the past year, and we starting dating a few weeks back knowing full well that after graduation (my undergrad, his grad) and our subsequent moves to opposite ends of the country, we’d return to being friends. I thought this would be something easy and fun (and it has been), but then I slept with him. Intellectually I know this was just a new experience, and I haven’t radically changed as a person, but it’s hard to resist falling into the shame and guilt that two decades of church teaching and abstinence sex ed associate with “losing” your virginity.

I don’t think God loves me any less now, or that my value as a human being has decreased, but I’m afraid that now I won’t ever be able to date someone with similar love for God and others. Basically that since this has happened, I’m no longer the good girl and shouldn’t expect to men with upstanding morals and character to have anything to do with me. Do you have any advice for overcoming this feeling of being damaged goods?

Unfortunately, many of the people in my life would think I should feel ashamed and repentant, and so I don’t know who to talk to. Bad enough not waiting till marriage, I didn’t even wait for a long term relationship with someone who says he loves me. I don’t regret it—he’s caring and kind—but I’m worried that one night may have ruined any chance at a happy long-term relationship down the road. How do I get over these irrational but deep-seated fears?

Good Girl Gone

DEAR GOOD GIRL GONE: First things first, GGG? You didn’t do anything wrong. You had sex with someone; this has absolutely nothing to do with your goodness or moral character. There’s nothing to feel ashamed of. Hell, all things considered, it sounds like you had a great first time. That, in and of itself, is something to be proud of. You were with a partner of your choosing, at a time of your choosing and on your terms, with someone who cared for you and was gentle with you. That sounds like a giant “win” to me. That’s the sort of triumphant experience that coming-of-age stories are written about

But now your jerk-brain is dripping poison in your ear and telling you that you’re “bad”, that you’re “sullied” and that nobody could possibly want you anymore. And I’m here to tell you: that’s bulls

t. Unmitigated, 100% pure bulls

t. You’re hearing the echoes of the lies that people have told you in order to control you, sexually and emotionally. It’s their way of trying to usurp your will and bend you to theirs, to tell you that you don’t have the right to make decisions for yourself. You’ve exercised your power and control and they don’t like that. So they tell you that you’re bad and that nobody of value could possibly love you now.

Bull. F

king. S

t.

Here’s what you need to know: people who judge you and shame you for how you lost your virginity are not people of upstanding moral character. People who tell you that you should be ashamed and repent have told you everything about themselves while knowing nothing about you. People who shame you, who browbeat you and denigrate you are not good people nor are they righteous or good, no matter what scriptural bulls

t they use to back up their slut-shaming ways. Even those who use “love the sinner but hate the sin” are looking for a way to judge people while still being superior. If we’re going to refer to the Bible, then let’s not forget that Jesus befriended, loved and defended the prostitutes, the thieves, the tax collectors, the beggars and the sick – the “sinners” – without shame or judgement. He accepted them as they were.

If someone judges you for having had sex, then they have shown themselves to be someone you don’t want to date. They have done you the favor of self-selecting out of your dating pool and good riddance to them; why would you want to date someone who thinks you’re damaged when you haven’t done anything wrong? Someone who shames you for having had sex can talk all they want about loving God and being a good Christian but their actions are proving otherwise.

(I’m also curious as to just how hard they’re having to lie to themselves about their future brides; less than 4% of adults are virgins on their wedding night, and I’d be very interested to know how many of those took advantage of God’s Little Loophole before the big day)

The only way that you’ve “ruined” any chance at a happy, long-term relationship is if you let these toxic beliefs control you and sabotage your potential happiness. A partner who is right for you is someone who loves you for you, accepts you for you and – critically – doesn’t see you as having done something wrong because you had sex when you chose to do so. Anyone who has a problem with that can f

k right the hell off.

Now I can tell you from experience: your jerk-brain is persuasive. It’s hard to ignore because it’s whispering in your voice and telling you all that all of your worst fears and anxieties are valid. But you can shut it down. Mindfulness meditation is especially good for taking control of your own brain; it teaches you how to control your thoughts and how to silence them when needed. It may also help to talk to somebody; contact The American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists and find a counselor in your area, or find a sex-positive therapist who can talk you through your issues. You may want to find a local church that’s part of a more accepting, sexually-positive denomination as well – the Unitarian-Universalist Church, for example.

But no matter what, I want you to remember: when you hear that toxic little voice telling you that you’re bad, that you’re sinful, remind yourself that it’s your jerk-brain and it’s full of lies. Remember that you’re an awesome person, someone who’s broken away from the toxic bulls

t that people have used to try to hold you down because they were afraid of you. You’re stronger than they were. You’re stronger than that voice.

You are powerful. You are good. And you don’t need to be ruled by other people’s poisonous beliefs and judgements.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I turned fifteen, and met this girl four months ago through mutual friends. As I talked to her I realized we shared the same taste in music, films and sense of humor. She was really nice to me and we have talked very often ever since. About two months ago I developed a pretty big crush on her. I’ve never really liked a girl in such a strong way, and I’ve never been much of ladies man either. She tells me everything about her life and I deeply care about her, and even thought I had been enjoying how things were going, I’m afraid I’m starting to get into the “Friend Zone”.

I know that this is a concept invented by guys that are too passive to seem like a potential partner to girls, but that’s my problem. I’m absolutely crazy about this girl and even thought I decided I need to tell her how I feel (it’s been starting to hurt to keep it to myself) I don’t know what to do.

I’m afraid to lose her, to be ridiculed by my friends, to be hurt even more, to find myself even more alone that I already am. I have no clue on what to do and I decided I’m going to tell her in the next month. What should I do?

(Sorry for any spelling. English isn’t my first language)

But You Say He’s Just A Friend

DEAR BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND: It’s a good thing that you’ve come to me, BYSHJAF; this means I might actually get to you early enough to make a difference in the rest of your life regardless of how things go with your crush.

You’re half-right and half-wrong with your ideas about The Friend Zone. As I’m always saying: The Friend Zone doesn’t actually exist; all The Friend Zone means is that the person you want to date/sleep with/what-have-you isn’t attracted to you. Maybe she only sees you as a platonic friend. Maybe she’s caught up in the gendered socialization that tells women that they have to be deferential to men and avoid hurting their feelings at all costs (even when doing so hurts the women instead) and is giving a soft “no” instead of a firm one. But the cold hard truth of the matter is simple: the people who think of themselves as “stuck” in the Friend Zone are there by choice. They’ve failed to make their move or they’ve gotten their answer and refuse to move on and find someone else.

This is why avoiding the Friend Zone is fairly easy: you act like a potential lover rather than a platonic friend. If that’s not what your (general you, not you, BYSHJAF) crush is into, then you decide whether to be a real friend (as opposed to a Nice GuyTM) or to move on and find someone who does want what you have to offer.

But let’s look at your situation specifically. I want you to pay attention BYSHJAF, because these lessons are going to serve you throughout your life. The first thing you have to do is realize that being interested in someone isn’t something to be ashamed of or something to hide. You’ve got a crush on this girl. Awesome! Why are you torturing yourself over these feelings? She’s awesome, you’ve got lots in common… it’s entirely natural that you’d be interested in her!

Most of the time, when someone feels like they have to hide their feelings from someone they’re interested in, it comes down to one of two reasons: either they feel like the person they like will be repulsed by the knowledge that they’re interested, or because they’re afraid of being rejected. In the former, if your crush acts disgusted that you like them – assuming you’re being polite and respectful with your interest – then all that’s happened is that they’ve done you a favor. They’ve shown you that you weren’t compatible in the first place, that you never would have worked out and, frankly, you’re probably better off not dating them. Why would you want to date someone who treats your interest like you’ve offered them leprosy? In the latter case… well, unfortunately, rejection happens. It’s part of the risk that comes with asking somebody on a date. There’s no getting around that part. It sucks. But as much as it sucks and no matter how bad you think it feels, it won’t destroy you unless you let it. You can take the sting, dust yourself off and move on, stronger and wiser, or you can lay there and bleed. And here’s the part that people tend to not realize: being able to handle rejection with grace and dignity makes you much more attractive as a person in general; it shows people that you have confidence, maturity and inner strength. Those are all very appealing qualities in a potential romantic partner.

Now, you want to know what to do. It’s very simple: you’re going to ask her out on a date. Not to hang out, but an actual date. This is what you want to say:

“Hey, I really love spending time with you and I’m starting to have feelings for you beyond friendship. I hope you might feel the same way too, and I’d like to take you out on a proper date. It’s totally cool if you don’t feel the same way; I like being friends with you and that’s not going to change, no matter what.”

Then give her some space to think. Depending on how she feels, she may need a little time to decide whether to say “yes” or “no” and pressuring her to answer you right then and there will almost certainly give you an automatic, reflexive “no.” Giving her room to breathe (metaphorically speaking) lets her make up her mind without pressure from you and lets her feel much more at ease. It may take her some time to make up her mind, especially if she isn’t 100% sure of how she feels; that’s ok. 

I get that you may worry that if you ask her out, you’re going to ruin the friendship. It’s a reasonable fear! But here’s the thing: if you have a solid friendship, it will weather any temporary awkwardness that will arise. If, as I said, you can handle being rejected with grace and say “OK, that’s cool, let’s stay friends” and mean it, your friendship will survive and this will become something that the two of you laugh about later on. In practice, this means that if she turns you down, then don’t mope, whine or complain to her. Don’t make your friendship a constant referendum on “whyyyy won’t you date meeeeee?” – that’s unfair to her and tells her that you’re not really her friend.

What do you do if she does say no? Well… it’s going to suck at first. You’ll feel like it’s a judgement on you as a person. But that’s not true: it’s simply that she’s not attracted to you the way you are to her, no different than the people you aren’t attracted to. That doesn’t make you bad or undesirable, it just means that the two of you won’t work as a couple. You may need to take a little time away from her to feel better; that’s perfectly normal. If you do, then tell her “I’m going to need to take some time to myself to deal with these feelings, but I will be back. This doesn’t mean we’re not friends, it’s just something I have to do so I can be a better friend to you.” But in time, you will feel better.

And here’s the secret to avoiding awkwardness: she’ll take her cues from you. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, she won’t treat it like a big deal.

But that’s all worst-case-scenario stuff. She may very well feel the same way about you and has been the same pressure of “Do I say something? Do I wait for him to say something?”

You won’t know until you ask. Fortune favors the brave, BYSHJAF. Work up your courage, make your move and revel in the fact that you will never be stuck in The Friend Zone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to write to you because my partner (now ex) introduced me to your page. Your advice is realistic and when we would read your threads, we knew you knew what you were on about. No BS.

I don’t want to bore you too much with the finer details, however, I met my (now ex) partner when I had a car crash over five years ago(can I say that he was a cop?). We instantly hit it off, but when we went on a few dates, I realised that he was far too immature (he agrees). Skip ahead a few years and something… changed. We grew even closer and actually begun something casual for a few months, and we realised we worked…better than expected actually…and on one lovely night (when I wasn’t feeling very well) he asked me whilst watching a movie to become his girlfriend. I was over the overjoyed because I had already fallen for this guy and knew I wanted us to be official.

A year into our relationship, he moved in with the girl he lost his virginity to (in high school) and her (now husband) partner and another friend. It was difficult to say the least. I tried everything to appease this woman and she despised me.

Regardless, my ex moved out and back with his parents. Can I just say that throughout the first year, whilst things were tough at times, we still managed to grow as a couple and as individuals. Unfortunately, during our second year of ‘bliss’, we each had our own work issues and we stuck by one another. During our third and subsequently final year of dating, my parents had a terrible break up and it did affect me (how could it not?) and communication wasn’t great.

A month ago, he randomly turned up to my place and broke it off with me stating that “he didn’t know if he was doing the right thing because he still loved me and I was still his best friend, however, for the last two weeks, he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me.” To say that I was absolutely heartbroken is an understatement. We had been through so much, and had so many great memories together, that this wasn’t expected.

At first, he came up with a few excuses and then he said several more later on when we caught up. He said such things like “you need to be more selfish”, “it isn’t our time”, “I’m going a different direction in work” and the final blow: “we need to grow as individuals.”

Now, I completely understand and will be the first to admit that we became complacent in our relationship, me especially, because of my parents’ break up. But the plethora of excuses he used makes me think “what else actually happened with us, with you?”

Its now been just on a month and he’s on dating sites (my friend who is a friend for the dating apps randomly came across him) and I’m more than confused because we had dated for 3.5 years and had spoken about marriage, kids and all the trimmings. He even stopped me at a jewelry store to look engagement rings.

I don’t know if I was I complete and utter denial about us or if I’ve misread everything… but I’m still in love with this man even though I have no clue what actually happened.

Care to shed some light?

Sincerely,

Blindsided or Just Blind

DEAR BLINDSIDED OR JUST BLIND: I’d say that you were blindsided, BoJB, but with some caveats. It seems pretty clear that this was a long-simmering issue; if I were to guess, I’d say that the problems started during your second year together, when you were both dealing with issues at work.

One of the things that determines the relative long-term success of a relationship is how the people involved treat adversity. Stress from outside of a relationship can cause issues within the relationship, and how you handle it can affect the overall health of your partnership. When the going gets tough, do the two of you come together like a team or does it cause fissures that make it harder for you to deal with your partner’s s

t? Do you treat it as something that brings you closer together, or a storm that you only barely weathered? Do you have each other’s back, or are you getting so caught up in your own drama that you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with theirs?

It sounds like in this case, the answer was the latter. You mention that when your parents split, you and your ex weren’t great at communicating. This, I suspect, was something akin to the straw that broke the camel’s back. While it’s clear he cared — and likely still cares — about you, the relationship had come to a point where he just couldn’t be in a relationship with you.

Which is where we come back to the caveats about being blindsided. I’m wondering whether your ex hadn’t been communicating that he was having these concerns… or whether he had, and you didn’t pick up on them. It could be that he was trying to make bids for your attention during these times and you missed them, didn’t recognize them for what they were or turned away from him. It’s also certainly possible that he wasn’t as clear about expressing his needs as he could have been; as I’ve said before, men are taught to be disconnected from our emotions, which makes it harder for us to express how we’re feeling. It can feel uncomfortable and awkward and if our partners don’t catch what we’re trying to say, we may drop it out of embarrassment.

Or it could be that he didn’t say anything. He might have been gritting his teeth and hoping that he could white-knuckle his way through to things being good again. Except he couldn’t.

Regardless, I don’t think that he suddenly fell out of love with you. The biggest clue here is that he’s already on dating apps again. Occasionally it seems like our partners have gotten over the relationship incredibly quickly. In reality, it’s often the case that they were getting over the relationship while they were still in it. For them, the relationship had already ended, they just hadn’t made it official yet.  I think he meant it sincerely when he was talking about marriage, kids and a future together. But I strongly suspect that little issues metastasized over the course of the relationship together and ultimately lead to the point where he just couldn’t stay in it any longer.

Ultimately, the only person who can tell you is your ex, and he may not be in a place where he’s ready to process or do a post-mortem on the break-up. If you two can get to a place where you’re on good terms, you can possibly talk things through. But ultimately, the best thing you can do is give yourself closure. Every relationship has its natural lifespan and this one came to its end. Take time to mourn it — because this is something to mourn — then forgive yourself for being imperfect, like we all are.

There will be love again in the future. This isn’t the end. It’s not the beginning of the end. It’s just the end of the beginning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)