DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25-year-old geek girl who just left a very toxic and very long (10 years, beginning in 10th grade and ending one year after I got my Master’s degree) relationship and I need some help figuring out where to go from here.

Getting out of and over the toxic relationship, it turns out, was the easy part (and I’ve felt amazing every day since I left)— the complication comes from the other guy involved.

This other guy (let’s call him Alpha, M/25) was my friend before I met my Toxic Ex (M/28) — in fact, I met the TX chatting with him through Alpha’s group chat. We all remained friends as I dated the TX, even spent some time as roommates and had some threesomes. Anyway, at some point Alpha backed off from hanging out with us, and I later learned it was because he no longer enjoyed spending time with the TX (and seeing me in such bad shape probably didn’t help). 

So… down the road a little ways, Alpha joins the army and although I haven’t seen much of him for a few years, I try to meet up with him before he leaves for training. I actually got a hold of him on the day he is leaving a few hours too late to actually see him before he goes. We stay in touch over e-mail, and I regale him with tales of the downward spiral of my life: I had damn near bought a house not just for me and TX, but his father and father’s girlfriend too, got engaged… “sort of,” all the while extremely unhappy and unsure exactly why. 6 months go by and Alpha is back in town for a week, and I make it a point to go see him without the TX, end up hanging out with him and a few of his friends, getting drunk, and staying until pretty late. At this drunken hang out, I get to hear for the first time how Alpha really feels about me (you’re amazing, you deserve to be happy, you could be doing so much more with your life) and how he really feels about the TX (dead weight bum), I talk to other friends who largely agree and realize I HAVE TO GET OUT—NOW! Toxic relationship over, I decide to go see Alpha before he leaves for his duty station in another country 6,000 miles away. We hang out, have AMAZING sex, I leave, he leaves the country. 

Since he’s been gone, we’ve talked via e-mail and instant message and we agree that we want to be together, but we don’t want this to be a rebound relationship that ends and ends our friendship as well. And, neither of us wants to see any of my old habits from my toxic relationship surface in this one (although, I think the people involved are so different that it won’t be likely to play out that way as long as long as we communicate and make sure to maintain our own independent lives). 

Our best solution to that problem right now is to take some time before we decide that we are “committed” (which makes sense since we can’t see each other in person anyway), but I’m so into him that it’s not likely I’ll go out with other guys, and I think he feels the same way about me. Are we just putting off something we want for no good reason? Should we both try to see other people to avoid getting Oneitis and see how we feel when we have an opportunity to see each other again (a little under a year from now)? Any other suggestions for preventing this from being a temporary rebound situation?

Sorry about the lengthy e-mail, but, like I said—“It’s complicated” doesn’t quite cover it!

– Trying To Not Rebound

DEAR TRYING TO NOT REBOUND: You really have two different problems here.

The first is that you’re worried about rebound relationships and f

king up the friendship.

Both of these are entirely understandable. From the sound of it, he’s been an emotional rock to cling to when you needed it, a great friend, an amazing lay, and someone who you can just relax around and enjoy his companionship, even without the romantic or sexual sides of things. Small wonder that you’d worry about potentially losing him; he sounds like a great guy, and losing a friend like that would be awful.

But I don’t think you need to worry about that.

One of my eternal pet-peeves is the fear of the “rebound” relationship. First and foremost, there’s nothing inherently WRONG with rebounds; the issue that many people assign to it is that they don’t last. Which, hey, not every relationship is SUPPOSED to last until one or both of you die in the saddle. There’s nothing wrong with a short-term relationship or going into one with the understanding that this isn’t forever. Sometimes you need a little reminder that you are lovable and desirable and have option… especially after a bad break-up.

The other is that we tend to define ANY relationship, post-break-up as “a rebound” if it doesn’t work. By definition, then, ANY relationship after your first is a rebound if it doesn’t last beyond an arbitrary time.

Of course, there’s no way of knowing if a relationship is or isn’t a rebound until, y’know. You’re actually IN it.

The REAL problem with so-called rebounds is that they’re what happens when you try to get into a relationship before you’re fully recovered from the last one and you don’t acknowledge this to yourself or your partner. The problem isn’t the time or distance from your previous break-up, it’s not recognizing a short-term relationship for what it is. Setting the wrong expectations is how we end up getting hurt and inadvertently hurting other people.

It’s entirely understandable, however. We all have different reasons for wanting to get back in the game before we’re ready; it may be because we’re trying to prove something to our ex, because we just want A Relationship™ without much regard for the person we wedge into the role or because we’re in love with being in love and don’t stop to realize that we need to absorb how much things have changed in our lives.  Regardless of the reasons, we go rushing in, f

k things up and end up hurting ourselves and our partners.

But the other thing we rarely acknowledge: sometimes we’re OVER our previous relationship before we’ve even ended it. That time we’re supposed to spend reflecting and moving on before dating someone new? Sometimes we do that while we’re still dating the person we’re getting ready to leave.

This is why I tend to side-eye folks who complain that so-and-so leapt into a new relationship too quickly; everyone has their own journey, and we’re not privy to what they’ve experienced. What seems like “an obvious rebound” to us could very well be something that person has been ready for, long before their last relationship ended.

Case in point: you already have a pre-existing relationship with Alpha. He’s been your friend lo these many years now. Presumably – considering you had enough attraction and trust to include him in a threesome on occasion – he’s seen you at your worst as well as your best and has a pretty good idea of all of your deepest, darkest personality flaws.

The two of you have clearly cared for one another for a long time as friends. I suspect that slipping into a romantic relationship will be about as difficult as easing into a warm bath on a cold day.

It’s understandable that you might want to take a little time to get used to the idea and to really let your newfound freedom sink in a bit before rushing into a committed relationship, and I support that idea. But I wouldn’t spend too much time or brain cycles worrying about whether or not this is a rebound relationship or what’s going to happen if you don’t work as lovers.

No, the real issue is the distance.

Long distance relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and life in the military is notoriously rough on relationships. It’s hard enough to keep a regular communication schedule under normal circumstances. It’s another when you’re doing so half a world a way on an irregular time-schedule and when privacy and access to a phone and/or the Internet is at a premium. Right now his life isn’t his own; the Army owns his ass for the foreseeable future so any relationship you have with him is going to be a default poly triad: you, him and the military. I’m not saying it can’t be done – clearly there are plenty of relationships and marriages that survive overseas deployment – but trying to start a relationship that way… well, you’re jumping straight to a New Game+ on Insane difficulty.

So my advice: don’t stress the idea of a rebound. Don’t worry about Oneitis; you’re not really in a situation that lends itself to that condition. Keep in contact and keep the flame going; send flirty emails back and forth, talk about all the hot hot hot things you’re planning to do to each other when he’s back in town (I’d advise being careful sending any sexy pictures; with his current circumstances, his ability to keep them strictly private is incredibly limited) and continue to share your days and conversations together. But don’t call it a relationship juuuust yet. You’re a relationship in potentia. Go out and be social. Date casually if you feel the urge, but with the awareness that your soldier boy is coming home and as soon as he does, you are going to climb him like a goddamn tree.

After the two of you come up for air, THAT’S when you can start talking seriously about being in a committed relationship and figuring out the logistics of how you’re going to make this work.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to cut to the chase. I suffer mental illness and boy did it f

k up my past relationship.

I was with a guy from Canada for 2 1/2 years so I already had THAT against me, what with being an American. While I admittedly had a lot of body image issues before we dated and I gave him the heads up. He accepted it and we decided to start dating anyways. The problem was, dating this guy was a mistake because he was emotionally abusive.

He pushed me to give nude photos a lot, told me if I didn’t strip for him I didn’t love him, made fun of my weight… stuff like that. I don’t even feel like going into the rest… Generally this made me WORSE but I was too stupid to break up with this guy. In return I did bad things too. I regret constantly bothering him to talk me out of suicide and cry that if he left me I’d kill myself. I was very sick. I regret it all so much now and if I could apologize from the bottom of my heart… I would if I could. My parents weren’t taking me seriously at all during the time to get me ANY real help until it was far too late. 

After he broke up with me due to the stress of my mental illness I went off the wall and constantly harassed him over the phone to talk to me. At first it was because I missed him. But then it was anger over all the abuse in the beginning (there’s more but I don’t want to go in any further)

It got back to me from my old friends after a huge fallout. I was labeled a “stalker”. I guess I deserved this.

After 5 suicide attempts my parents finally took me seriously and got me help. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I’m currently getting help and making a lot of progress but this leads me to ask..is there any hope for me in the dating world? Let’s be real. I REALLY f

ked up and I was obviously very, very sick. I was so scared of dying alone I recently drank bleach just to end it all. So instead of wanting to die anymore.. why not keep trying to be mentally stable? but what the F

K do I do doc? I can get better all I want but whose going to want a crazy like me?

– mentally unstable

DEAR MENTALLY UNSTABLE: Can we establish something right off the bat?

You’re not broken, you’re not worthless and you’re not defined by having a personality disorder.

That guy you were dating? The one who mocked you, who pushed you to do things you didn’t want to do, who took advantage of your body issues and used them to pressure you into bending to his will?

F

k that guy.

You’re right: he was a great big f

king abusive s

tbird and if there’s any karma in this universe it’ll be baring down on him like an out of control semi. He’s in another country and out of your life. I know it’s hard, but deliver the ultimate insult to him by simply forgetting about him. Spending time wishing for him to be infested by radioactive mutant pubic lice would be a waste of precious brain cycles that you could be using on something more significant, like memorizing which characters joined the X-Men during the Claremont/Cockrum years.

Now here’s what you need to do. And I’m warning you, it may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it’s absolutely necessary. With me so far?

You need to forgive yourself.

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of those mental health issues that a few people hear about and immediately blow out of proportion; people who’ve never lived with it treat it as a diagnosis of “b*tch be crazy”. People who know nothing about it aside from what they’ve read on the Internet will assign moral judgments to it and assume that everyone with BPD are just toxic drama-factories who will do any number of socially maladaptive things because it means they stay in control.

But in reality, psychologists are starting to come around to the idea that BPD isn’t just “I shall cause trouble on purpose” but a reaction to TRAUMA. You acted out the way you did, not because you’re a s

t-stirring jerk but because you’ve been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it.

You’ve had bad s

t happen, but you survived. You found yourself in a bad place and realized you needed help and you finally got it. Do you realize the sort of strength that takes? To paraphrase Boggle The Owl, you’re going through the emotional equivalent of trying to fight your way through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with a stick to try to make it to safety. You’ve been wrestling with your inner demons and trying to make it through the darkest nights of the soul. That’s not someone who’s damaged, that’s someone who’s fighting with all her might to get better.

That’s what you need to realize. There’s no shame in having problems. You’re getting help and you’re improving and that’s the most important part.  Defining yourself as “damaged” or “crazy” is disregarding all the work you’ve put in to getting mentally healthy again. It’s restricting yourself to who you were, not who you are or, more importantly, who you will be.

You’ve had some bad experiences in your past but you survived them. You did things you regret because you didn’t realize you needed help. It’s sad that it’s happened, but you need to be willing to let the past be the past and forgive yourself for being imperfect. For right now: don’t worry about dating or who could possibly want you. That time and those people will come. Right now, you want to focus your energy where it’s most important: on your recovery. Regain your strength. Continue to get better. There will be time enough for love.

There’s a line from one of my favorite comics that I think applies here, by the way:

“It’s never nearly as bad as it seems; you’re much stronger than you think you are. Trust me.”

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met up with a woman in my building. I’ve known her for awhile, but she mentioned she had a divorce about a year ago. After running into her a couple of times and having some good chats, I decided the next time I saw her I would ask her to join me for a walk nearby (I go every night). She says “Sure, but this month is bad… my dad having surgery, I have to work a lot (she’s a flight attendant) and I will be staying with my folks most of the month”. She gives me her number and I text her a couple of days later….it was the weekend and I didn’t want to interfere….she was hanging out with her teenage kids. In the text, I mentioned that I would love to set up a time and she again says September won’t work. I said I completely understand, and could I text her in a couple of days to see how her dad was doing?

She didn’t respond, which bothered me a little. 

I was going to text her anyway the next day to ask how her dad’s surgery went, when I saw her in the elevator that day and asked about her dad. She said he was doing well, and then we got on with our day. She always seems pleased to see me when we run into each other, and I even told her “It’s always nice to see you, except I never know when”. 

I’m having trouble figuring this one out. I understand about waiting, but three more weeks… talk about running out of gas. I do hold this person in high regard, but I really don’t want to have to chase her. I have no time for that, and I’m not fond of open-ended situations. 

Not sure what to do. Do I text her in a week? Wait until October when her schedule clears?  I can be direct and part of me wants to tell her, “Alpha, I want to let you know why I wanted to see you.I like you, I enjoy talking to you and I think you are a person worth getting to know, so can we get together?” I’m also being quite literal. I think she’s attractive, but I don’t want to sleep with her.I just want to get to know her a little. 

Any advice you give would be great. I’ve never been great at this kind of thing. 

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: I hear a lot about “the chase”, when it comes to dating. Sometimes it’s from people who talk about how they love the “thrill of the chase”. Other times it’s from people who are tired of it and don’t want to have the chase someone down for a date. But the problem with this outlook is that 9 times out of 10, if you’re chasing someone, that means they don’t want to be caught. And while yes, occasionally you’ll have situations where persistence pays off, if you’re having to struggle to get someone to respond to your texts or pin down a day and time for a date, then you’re usually being sent a message.

Here’s a truth, WitW: people who want to see you will make an effort to see you. If someone’s interested in you and genuinely wants to see you, then you very rarely have to question it or struggle to make it work. This doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be any challenges — sometimes life just gets in the way and keeps throwing roadblocks in your path. However, more often than not, those are just inconveniences and folks who want to get together with you will be making a point to try to find ways to work around them. So if it’s a case that you and Alpha were getting along like a house on fire and she would totally be down for a date with you but dammit, she is just booked solid, then in all likelihood the two of you would be going through your respective calendars and trying to find a time that works for both of you. She’d propose November 16th, you’d realize you have a soccer game that day, so how about the 17th, and so forth and so on.

She’s not doing that. That’s a message right there.

The thing to keep in mind is that for many women, saying “no” directly to a man can be risky under the best of circumstances. There’re far too many women who’ve been harassed, assaulted or even killed by men after turning them down. It’s often easier (and safer) for women to give what’s known as a “soft no” — a socially plausible reason why they can’t see you, rather than “don’t want to” — than to say “no” directly. This way it’s not that they aren’t interested, it’s that oh wouldn’t you know it, the fates just oppose us, nothing to be done about it.

Similarly, it can be easier — and safer — to just not return texts or conveniently miss them and hope that the other person gets the hint than it is to turn them down directly. Just about everyone who dates men has a story of some dude losing their shit at them because they said “no, thank you” to a date (or sex or…). This is especially true in cases where, say, they’re likely to see the same person on the regular… such as at work or when they live in the same building.

Honestly, WitW, it sounds to me like she’s just not that interested. Which sucks, don’t get me wrong… but there’s not much to be done. If it really is a case of “right person, wrong time”, then all there is to do is simply wait. You’ve let Alpha know you’re into her and would like to see her. The ball’s in her court. If she wants to see you again, she’ll let you know. In the meantime, the best thing that you can do is continue being polite and friendly, but let this one go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)