DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writing in. My fiancé (22) and I (23) have been together for a lovely 5 years, have never had a single fight and have been fairly good at communicating. Our wedding is scheduled for mid next year and we have of course got into the intensive planning phase. 

She knows I’m tight with my money and don’t like to spend carelessly, but she’s always had a dream of a fancy (and expensive) wedding. I always thought that people that spent $20k-$25k or more on a wedding were insane and wasteful, especially in a world where people have so little. However, I was ok with picking a venue that costed $15k (which included the space, food, open bar, etc.) even if it was beyond my original budget (my attempt of compromising). 

However, we got a price estimate for changing the chairs to a nicer style and the total cost for switching the chairs would have added over $1000 to the wedding price. My red alert goes off as this is a complete scam, why would we pay for this? I make my feelings known and she agrees to not do the chairs…until later that night she is crying (literally) about how the wedding isn’t going to be everything she dreamed of already and she misses her dad (who passed away when she was young) makes me feel terrible so I let her decide on whether she really wants the chairs. 

This is really nagging at the principled part of me though that looks at how much time and energy I would have to spend to make $1000 just for chairs, and how so many people around the world barely have anything. She’s paying for a majority of the wedding (with money from her father’s passing) so I keep trying to tell myself, “It’s her money she can spend it however she wants.” The other part of me can’t believe that she’s just like, “well we have the money so we can spend it.” 

Am I thinking to much about this? Is this standard marriage stress getting to me? Or is the principled part of me right to think that $1000 for chairs that no one will care about besides her is ridiculously wasteful? 

Thanks for your advice,

Stereotypical Wedding Issues

DEAR STEREOTYPICAL WEDDING ISSUES: This is a problem with layers, SWI. Because, as with many issues I see come across my desk, the fight you’re having isn’t the fight you think you’re having.

Let’s start with the absolute surface issue before we get into the underlying problems.

So I’m someone who had a fairly spiffy wedding with no regrets SWI, but I’m on your side here: weddings tend to be vastly overpriced affairs that often leads to unnecessary fights, conflicts and drama — not to mention debt. And you aren’t wrong that weddings bring out not just the price gouging but also the upselling. I suspect that if you were to go and price out everything — the same venue, the same decorations, etc. — and called it a family reunion instead of a wedding, you’d see a significant difference in price.

Now here’s the thing about weddings: you won’t remember 90% of it. Years down the line (hell, months, even), you’ll look back and say “Wait… we had chairs?”  But what you remember and what your fiancé will remember are two very different things. Part of the way to make getting married a (somewhat) less stressful mess is to pick the things that you’ll know you’ll remember and push for those. I couldn’t tell you the color scheme of mine, what the cutlery or dishware looked like or what flowers we had because I wasn’t concerned about those things. I knew that I would remember the food, the ceremony, the cake and the music, so those were the areas where I pushed the hardest. If the chairs aren’t important to you and you can afford them… well honestly, I don’t think that’s a fight worth having. I think you can let that go in the name of nuptial bliss.

But that isn’t really what this fight is about. You and your fiancé are having two entirely different fights. This is coming from a place of what’s important to you, what aligns most with your values and what this wedding means to you. You are seeing this as a frivolous expense and one that’s costing money that the two of you could be investing in your future together ($15k could be the down payment on a house! Or a car!) while your fiancé is seeing the chance to live a dream that she’s likely had since childhood. While I agree, I think $1000 is a hell of an upcharge for chairs, this isn’t about the chairs to her; this is about what they represent. She’s not upset about the chairs — y’all didn’t know they existed until the venue upsold you on them — but whether or not she’s going to get one day to live in a fairy tale. A fairy tale that is already a little bittersweet for her, considering that her father passed away and won’t be there to see it.  So in this case, the question you need to ask is whether or not $1000 is going to make that much of a difference, or whether that’s a small price to pay for a dream.

So, no. On a strictly practical level, I don’t think this is a fight you need to have. While I agree that this is money that you could probably use to better effect elsewhere, if this isn’t going to mean the difference between being able to pay the rent or disrupting your plans for the future together, then it’s something I think you can give on.

But with all that having been said, there’s a third layer to this whole conflict and frankly that’s the fact that the two of you are getting married when neither of you are old enough to rent a car yet. That’s going to be a bigger issue, especially in the long run, then however much you spend on this wedding. To be perfectly blunt: I think getting married this young is a mistake. You two are at a stage where you’re only just starting to develop as adults. This is, in many ways, the chrysalis stage; school starts the process, but your early 20s tend to finish it. You’re going to be facing challenges and experiences that will change you and make you realize that you who are and who you think you are can be two entirely different things. That can change your outlook on a whole lot of issues… including your values, and your relationships. What is important to you now is likely not going to be as important to you three, four or even five years down the line… and they won’t for your fiancé either. That often takes a toll on relationships and marriages. In fact, marrying young tends to correlate with getting divorced young.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not telling you that that divorce is inevitable and that you should break up. What I am saying is that you should put things on pause — especially while you can still get the deposit back. What I would recommend is a long engagement… possibly even until you two hit 25, which seems to be the sweet spot for marriage. This has a number of advantages for the two of you. To start with, it gives you both firmer footing to start a life together; you’ll have more of a chance to establish yourselves financially and emotionally as adults. You’ll have more time to decide just what is actually important to the two of you and more perspective on whether you would rather have the big fancy party or just nip off to the courthouse and use savings for a vacation, a new house or an investment in a future business venture. And if you do decide to have the big party with the cake and the food and all the trimmings… you’ll have a better idea of just what will really matter to the two of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am pretty young at 18 years old still in high-school during my senior year. I think I look pretty good in the face, but I am very skinny for a guy of my height of 6’4. To give a image, if I was any skinner I would probably look like one of those starved POWs in those war crime pictures in history books. I am not anorexic, but I am afraid that whenever I get intimate with a girl she will go “ew”. I haven’t had a problem with that with any of my exes, but I don’t know what they really thought in their minds…

Anyway enough about me and to the meat of my problem. Senior ball is in February of next year near Valentines Day. I missed my junior prom due to my most recent ex breaking up with me a few weeks before it. This girl I am talking to right now is a really sweet person, but I don’t know how to connect with her. Well I have known her for a year, she has flirted with me before but I never really got around to asking her out since I usually dated someone, or she dated someone. We aren’t close friends in the same social circle.

Well I decided to ask her out early in the year to senior ball, so I wouldn’t have to stress over it when the time approaches, and because I want to date her. Well she did agree to go with me. Everything seems fine right? Well no, because just because she agreed to do that doesn’t me we are dating yet. I am planning on asking her out pretty soon, but there is a problem…..How do I know she likes me enough to date me?

I am a pretty shy person doc, and you have probably heard this before, but it seems like there are FEW girls in my area that share my interest….and that are decent looking. How many girls do you know that live in rural south that collect Warhammer 40,000 miniatures, while reading every 40k book that comes out? Not many, and while I don’t need a GF that likes 40k, I just can’t really relate to many of them besides personality.

So in the recent days I have been texting her, and one time we were in a middle of a conversation about animals since she is a avid animal lover, and she just stops texting back. Granted it was late at night so she could have just fallen asleep, but its been a day since then and she hasn’t replied back even though she has been online recently. I just feel like she’s not attracted to me enough for a real relationship, and I really don’t want to go to the ball or prom alone this year, so I don’t want to push too hard too early and ruin that chance. When we talk in person it just seems awkward, probably because I am slightly nervous. There aren’t many people I am interested in, and the few that I am are either taken, or I have no idea how to approach them.

I can’t make a move, I can’t think of what to do next, and I sure as hell can’t flirt. I don’t know what to do Doc.

Sincerely,

No Game No Life

DEAR NO GAME NO LIFE: First of all, NGNL, do yourself a favor and do an image search for Sid Vicious. Notice that he’s heroin-addict skinny? (Understandably, seeing as he was a heroin addict…) That didn’t stop him from being sex on legs to a very large audience. There are a lot of women who love them some tall, lanky guys, just as there’re women who dig them some bears or otters or just about every other body type under the sun. By all means, eat healthy and exercise so your hip bones aren’t going to poke somebody’s eye out, but don’t stress the skinny, especially since, y’know, you haven’t actually had that problem.

Besides, if a woman wants to sleep with you, by the time the shirt comes off, it’s pretty much fait accompli anyway. They’ve already got a pretty good idea of what to expect.

But let’s get to your question, NGNL. You’re pretty deep into reading the tea leaves and looking for answers and that’s not going to help you. There’re all kinds of plausible, even likely reasons why she dropped off the conversation and hasn’t been responding, most of which have nothing to do with you. If you spend too much time trying to what-if your way into her head, you’ll drive yourself insane.

But there’s a simpler answer. Here’s the DNL all-purpose guide on how you find out if someone’s interested in you: you grab yourself by the balls or the ovaries, depending and ask them out. While women can and do give a number of signals about whether they’re interested or not, the longer you wait and try to read the tea leaves, the harder it gets to just pull the damn trigger. The question starts to loom larger between the two of you, making you feel awkward and nervous because you don’t want to throw away your shot but you don’t know. Meanwhile, the longer you wait, the greater the chances that someone else will ask her out first and – well, she may like you, but you’ve never given her any real sign that you like her that way, y’know?

So ask her out. Either she says yes, and blessings on you both, or she says no and now you don’t have to ask whether the cat in the box is alive or dead. You’ve gotten your answer and now you can move on with your life instead of being stuck in this perpetual state of “Well maybe” and “What if”.

And on a personal note: trust me when I say that prom’s fucking overrated. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve skipped most of my school dances and gone and played Lazer Tag with my friends instead. Would’ve had way more fun too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a thirty-five year old male virgin, and I have no idea how to go about changing that. Looks-wise, I think I’m fairly average — pudgy without being significantly overweight, anyway. My main problems are inside my own head. I’ve struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, low feelings of self-worth, and difficulty with making human connections. I know all that indicates I should work on myself first, and that having major relationships would be more likely to fuck me up more than anything… but I’ve been trying to do that my entire adult life, and I haven’t gotten nowhere. So I don’t know what to do with myself.

(Before you ask — no, I’m not an incel. I own my shit. I know better than to blame my failings on women being choosy or conspiracies or evolutionary biology or feminism or whatever. The root cause of my problems is me. And I refuse to put the onus for that on anyone or anything else just to salvage my own ego.)

Anyway, let me try and get to the point here. It’s hard to pair down an entire lifetime of issues into just a few questions, but here’s my best attempt:

– How do I overcome my insecurities about my lack of experience with love and relationships for my age? Is there still hope for me at this point?

– Is there any way for me to get where I want to go without pretending to be someone I’m not?

– How do I avoid sabotaging myself? I have a long history of only developing attractions to women who are clearly out of my league. Any advice on how to stop doing that, and how to stop my brain from nitpicking or expecting a perfect match?

Big questions without any easy answers, I know. But that’s where I am right now. That’s where it feels like I’ve always been.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Lost, Alone, and Frustrated

DEAR LOST, ALONE, AND FRUSTRATED: The first thing I want you to do is go back and read my response to Volcanic Sacrifice on 10/17, because many of your issues overlap. I want you to pay attention to how the many of the answers you are looking for can be found by addressing the core anxieties surrounding the way that you’ve adopted “OLD VIRGIN” as an identity. Like I told Volcanic Sacrifice: the fact that you’re a virgin doesn’t say anything about you as person. Your virginity isn’t the source of your problems; if anything, it’s a symptom of a lifetime of dealing with anxiety and depression. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person, it’s a side-effect of your struggles to love yourself and to connect with others. I also want to drive this home: you’re not alone; I’ve known virgins of all ages and all over the gender spectrum; straight, gay and bi, cis and trans. And you know what? There has been hope for every single one of them.

And there’s hope for you too.

The first thing that I would suggest is that you read the excellent article “Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience” by Cass Bell over at Scarletteen; they have a lot to say that’s relevant to you. One part that I think is especially relevant to you is that you don’t want your being a newbie — or feeling like you’re “behind” — to push you towards relationships where you don’t bring your whole, authentic identity to the table. Your being a virgin isn’t something that you need to hide or be ashamed of; it’s simply one part of who you are, and not even an important part. But if you’re approaching relationships as though it’s something that you need to hide, then you’re going to be coming to them from a place of fear and anxiety; you’re always going to be waiting for that sword to fall, and I can tell you from experience: that’s no way to go through a relationship.

Similarly, you’re allowed to be discerning in who you choose to date or what relationships you choose to pursue. Some folks — especially guys — will pursue toxic or even abusive relationships solely because they feel like that’s “all” they can have; it’s their “best” or “only” chance to lose their virginity, so they’ll grin and bear it and suffer through it because they think they have no other options.

Other folks — like you — will chase after inappropriate partners, people who are ultimately unavailable because they’re unavailable. It’s not that they represent an impossibly high standard so much as that they represent guaranteed rejection. People who take this path do so because they feel like they don’t deserve happiness, and so they kneecap their own chances before anything could possibly happen.

And while I’m on the record as saying that you don’t necessarily have to tell people that you’re a virgin… I think it’s far better if you do. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be vulnerable to others, but in doing so, you’re living your authentic and genuine truth. That’s important, both in what it tells others… and what it tells you. It lets others know who you are and filters out people who are clearly wrong for you. But by the same token, it reminds you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. You have nothing to be ashamed of LAF; you haven’t done anything wrong, you’re not deficient, you’re not broken and you’re not lesser than someone who has had sex.

I think you would do well to think of yourself less as a virgin and more as a newbie. You’re not deficient, you’re simply new to sex and sexuality and that’s fine. You have just as much of a right to discernment, to have and maintain boundaries, to advocate for your own needs and pleasure as someone who’s had one partner, ten partners or a hundred partners.

And like I’ve told many other folks who’ve been in your position: if you decide you want to just get it out of the way, then that’s cool; that’s as equally a valid choice as wanting to lose your virginity in the context of a long-term, committed relationship. But however you decide you want your first time to go, make sure it’s with a partner who’s compassionate, caring and giving — someone who’s invested in your experience and who’s willing to listen to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been in a steady, loving and deeply fulfilling relationship with my girlfriend for 10 months. Initially, I had some minor trust issues stemming from…details in her background that didn’t quite match up (please keep in mind that I was raised as a man in a deeply chauvinistic and misogynistic Latin-American society, it doesn’t excuse me but it’s hard to shake off): she claimed (unprompted, over and over again) that she wasn’t really that much into sex (until I “cured her of that” after a month of dating) and that she had been with 2, 3 men at tops. However, many cliched “signs” that seemed to contradict this were pointed out to me by a specially sexist friend of mine; she smokes, she’s inked, she drinks like a sailor, smokes weed, I met her on Tinder, she’s extremely outgoing and has a ton of male friends in the art and music world, she’s had bisexual experiences, she’s a model, aaand she’s “made out with” or “had crushes or flings” with a not-insignifcant number of our mutual acquaintances, including two very close friends. Many of these things I actually really liked about her, as I like independent women, but like I said, misogynist friend (however he was the one to suggest that I should make her my serious GF). I honestly don’t think I’d have a problem if she were to outright tell me that she hasn’t had an exactly sexless past; after all, she’s with me now, right? However, the seeming contradiction between her words and my prejudices did irk me a bit for what I thought had been only a while…

I mentioned to her about how when I’m in a serious relationship I’m deeply committed and don’t tolerate infidelity, and she agreed saying that she’s the same. This was early on during our history when out of the blue she asked me what were my thoughts on open relationships (I told her that they don’t work 99% of the time). Things were really good, and after some very, very, VERY minor kerfuffles over my doubts at the start things were going swimmingly well. “We’re gonna have f

king babies” (literal quote) level well.

Fast forward 6 great months into the future. Ever since the start of our relationship I had been clear about my plans to study in a foreign country (I’m an MD looking to enter a medical residency); as time went on and I saw how well things were going, I pledged to her that I’d be taking her along with me, as I REALLY want to. Well, 6 months in, I had to start an intensive 4 month training course for my residency exam with an extremely heavy study load. I was clear to my GF that I wouldn’t be able to do much during that time period and that I’d be seeing a lot less of her; however she insisted on seeing me on a nearly daily basis, to the point that at one point she had practically moved in with me into my parent’s house. This did irk me a bit; like I said, I was practically isolated during this time period, I wanted her to have fun and go out with her friends so as to not strain the relationship and besides I did need my space for study matters. I told her we should dial it down a bit, but we still went on seeing each other in a slightly less regular basis. Needless to say, moods were occasionally ranked due to the situation.

During this stressful 4 month period, an opportunity for her to take a 2 month course in a college campus in India (a timezone 12 hours apart) suddenly came up at her work. I insisted she should take it as at the very least it’d be a great travel opportunity, I even helped her filling out some paper work. Her departure date was coincidentally the same as the date I’d be leaving to take my exam…things seemed to be going well, the day before we left we went on a date, exchanged hand crafted letters (hers, beautiful, mine crappy looking in comparison but not for lack of trying and yes we’re both 29) and we agreed on staying in touch via Skype or FaceTime or whatever as much as possible during our time apart.

Things were going alright for the first couple of weeks (when I was in the aforementioned foreign country); communication was hard because I had to use wi-fi hotspots to stay in touch and I spent my entire day running errands in a city, but there was effort on her part (lots of missed calls) and hence, we managed to stay in touch. This gradually tapered off, (and I was a bit vocal about my displeasure) but I chalked it down to the problems with internet access we were both dealing with and was sure things would pick up when I went back to my country and my GF got her hands on a SIM card as she told me she would.

As you’ve probably guessed, this didn’t exactly happen. It’s been little over a week, we both have round the clock internet and it’s just harder and harder to communicate. I’ve told her about this, to the point that I feel like a nag, but she doesn’t seem to care. We text sporadically, but forget about phone calls (which we only make at about 1-3 AM when she shows up at her dorm, and then I have to practically beg her to call me) and it’s just excuse after excuse for her not fielding said calls or cutting them abruptly short (her roommate is there, she’s too tired to talk at 12 AM even though she’s constantly going to sleep at 3-4 AM even during weekdays, etc.); forget about Skype or anything else.

To add to my paranoia, she constantly keeps mentioning a cool new foreign musician friend of hers, with whom she apparently goes everywhere with. I was fine with this, and I was fine when she posted an innocent looking picture of her and him on a certain social media platform, but then I saw him macking on her in the comments (one heart smiley laden one where he said she “was sssooo beatiful and soooo nice” and another one where the guy’s mother (!) and him posted a series of heart smileys) and I lost it. I asked her what was up with that and she said that the guys is probably gay and his being so complimentary is simply cultural…

Now, I’m not gonna lie and said that I’ve never felt tempted by another woman during my relationship, but even during my recent trip I didn’t act on it (even though I had my chances) because I care more about what we’re supposedly building with my GF. This is where those supposedly buried trust issues came bubbling back…

I realize the fact that I’m in a bit of a void right now (I spent my last 4 months pushing friends and family away pretty much, I’m broke due to travel expenses, I have no job currently and most of my friends are abroad anyway) and the additional fact that I didn’t do as well in the exam as I needed to might be making me really needy and vulnerable, but do you think my feelings of consternation are completely unfounded? Or am I simply a prude that’s just not fit for “modern relationships” where time apart seems to be a green pass for screwing around?

Long Distance Lost

DEAR LONG DISTANCE LOST: Hoo boy.

There’s a lot going on here LDL and it’s all kind of flowing into one another into one giant motherf

ker of a knot. So instead of just leaping straight into my conclusion about what I think’s going on, we’re going to pick this sucker apart, bit by bit.

Let’s start with your initial… caution, shall we say… regarding your girlfriend’s past, because this is your first problem. Your assumptions about why she has to be lying about being interested in sex are, to put it mildly, kind of monkey-s

tting bananas. It reads like a subreddit’s idea of signs that somebody’s a secret SJW. In reality, smoking, having tattoos, swearing and blazing up aren’t really indications of anything other than her being someone I’d probably love to party with.

You can be a complete and utter virgin who’s only goal is to marry the only person you ever sleep with and raise a litter of kids while baking amazing cookies and still have a mouth on you that would make sailors cry.  Being inked is just a sign that somebody likes tattoos, especially as tattooing becomes increasingly mainstream around the world. Asexuals, demisexuals and people who’ve just had a string of lousy lovers are no more or no less likely to wake and bake than the rest of the population. Having lots of male friends and being bisexual only means that she has lots of male friends and is bisexual.

She may also not have been “much into sex” because her previous lovers sucked at it and you’re the first person she’s dated who’s known his way around a vagina.

However, if she were lying – and she may well might have been – about her sexual history or her interest in sex, it would hardly be unusual or inexplicable. After all: women get s

t all the time about how much sex they’ve had. This is doubly true if, say, they’re living in a chauvinistic, misogynist culture. I might point out that it’s your supremely misogynistic friend who’s giving telling you that these are all bad things and signs that she’s a whore.

All that right there is going to set the stage for some not-goodness down the line, because you’re already inclined not to trust her for no reason other than she’s been less than forthcoming – and not unreasonably – about her sexual interests early on.

But then we get to the next big issue: the signs that you’re not going to be sexually compatible. Her asking you about open relationships, f’rex, was likely a test balloon about where this relationship might go once the two of you established a deeper layer of trust and intimacy. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being sexually conservative, just as there’s nothing wrong with being sexually expansive; it’s how you roll and more power to you. However, someone who’s a die-hard monogamist isn’t going to do well with someone who may well want or need more variety.

However, some sexual incompatibilities can be overcome in time. The more conservative sometimes loosen up, the more expansive may find that they’re ok with monogamy. The problem however, is that you already have this little germ of mistrust based around your perception of her sexual history and proclivities.

And that’s our third issue. Mistrust, when unaddressed and resolved, is always going to doom relationships. This is especially true when you’re dealing with a long-distance relationship. You have to be willing to take more on faith and trust that your partner is being straight with you. If you don’t, the natural progression of an LDR will drive you crazy in short order.

In the early days of an LDR, even one where there’s a nearly 12-hour difference, it’s easier to keep in contact. You and your partner aren’t fully immersed in your new schedules and lifestyle. You’re both going to be missing each other intensely, the partner who’s gone long distance is going to be homesick and not quite in the groove of their new digs. So even when you’re playing Find The Unsecured Wifi, you’re going to be making more of a point to keep those regular calls going.

However, once they’re more established, making friends and getting their bearings, things are going to change. Yeah, they’ll miss you, but they’re also going to be devoting a not-inconsiderable amount of their mental and emotional bandwidth to their living situation. They’ve got a lot of things demanding their time and attention and s

t’s going to slip… and usually that’s staying in contact. It doesn’t mean that they think any less of you or that their feelings have changed, it just means that they have this side of their life to balance out and it’s going to demand a lot of time and attention until the new equilibrium sets in. There is, after all, a lot of call to give more of their attention to their immediate surroundings and living situation.

And then there’s going to be the thrill of the new. Humans are a species who desire novelty, and new experiences are going to hold our attention and captivate us. These new experiences and people are going to be a big, shiny, attention-grabbing object because they’re new and different and trigger renewed dopamine doses that light our brain up like a pinball machine.

BUT.

That’s where the trust has to come in. Because those distractions taking their attention away can feel like your partner drifting away from you.

And – to be fair – sometimes that happens. Relationships do fall apart all the time and long distance has a way of blowing apart all but the strongest or most fervent of relationships. If you want it to survive, you have to be willing to trust your partner. After all, it takes two to cheat. The fact that pretty boy is flirting on your girlfriend – assuming he’s not gay and she’s telling you a lie to reassure/mislead you – doesn’t mean that she’s flirting back or intends to do anything about it. Dudes can hit on women, but that doesn’t mean that the women are going to respond to it. Getting het up that somebody else thinks your girlfriend’s cute when she’s not responding to it or cozying up to him is going to lead to a lot of pain and suffering… mostly for you.

Getting jealous can also have the opposite effect of what you want.  Even when there’s nothing shady going on, constantly being accused of doing something untoward can sink a relationship. The accused may decide that they’ve had enough of your snide insinuations and kick you to the curb. Hell, enough jealous behavior can even cause someone to decide to throw caution to the wind and have that affair. It pisses the accused off, who turns to their supposed paramour for comfort and consolation… and they may well decide “f

k it, I’m already dealing with the consequences…”

There’s also the co-morbidity issue of your own s

t going down right now. Leaving your girlfriend out of it, it sounds like you’re not in the greatest of places right now. You’ve got a lot of things on your own plate that’s painting everything in your life a lovely shade of “f

k this noise” and that’s going to screw with your head. This would be the time when I suggest that you let your relationship – strained as it is – go on the back-burner for a little while as you get your own s

t together.  Focus on fixing your own head. Deal with whatever it is that’s prompting you to push your friends and family away, finding a job, de-stressing from the (understandable) pressures of passing your residency exams and finding a job, even if it’s just something to keep you in rent and beer money while you’re establishing yourself. The more self-care – and I mean legit self-care, not just hanging out in a pillow fort with a cup of cocoa and 80s fantasy movies on Netflix – you can do, the better you will be prepared to handle the emotional difficulties in your dating life. You may have to accept being “on a break” for a while – with all that entails – as the cost of fixing yourself. Trust me: it’s better to let a relationship go, knowing that you can come back to it down the line, than to let your entire life fall apart as you try to do too many things at once.

Now, here’s the thing: you can’t prevent s

t from going down, if it’s going to go down. As much as it sucks, you can’t control or dictate everything that life throws your way. Part of being a grown-ass adult is realizing that occasionally some s

t’s going to be flung at you and the only thing you can do is learn to dodge so it gets your shoes instead of your face. If she feels that the two of you have drifted apart and drops the hammer… well, that was likely going to happen anyway, given that the two of you were having some compatibility issues early on. If she just gets twitterpated by all the new shiny out there… that was also likely to happen and can’t be prevented.  The best thing you can do is trust her, try to follow the best LDR practices I outlined on here, hope for the best and roll with the worst.

So with all that having been picked apart, let’s get to the meat of your question. Is she cheating on you or are you being paranoid? And the answer… is yes.

The reason for that not terribly helpful answer is because your feelings are affecting your perception of her behavior. Right now, her behavior could be seen as being suspicious… or it could be someone who’s naturally outgoing having a nice time during her study abroad program. You’re predisposed to not trust her and so you’re going to assume the worst about what she’s doing. That’s going to make it difficult to get a serious read on what’s going on. Maybe she’s cheating. Maybe she’s not and it’s all in your head. Or maybe this is the beginning of the end of your relationship. You don’t know.

What you do need to do is focus less on her and more on you. You can’t control her behavior. You can only control your own wants and expectations. So ask yourself: what do you want? Is trying to maintain your relationship with her across the globe from you too stressful? Would it be easier for you to just put things on hold – recognizing that your break could turn into a break-up – until she’s back in the same country with you? Or can you be willing to just let go of your suspicions and trust her without going over everything like it’s the Zapruder film?

Because if you can’t bring yourself to trust her, then it’s better to break up now instead of later. Sticking in a relationship with someone you can’t bring yourself to trust isn’t healthy for anyone and it’s especially unfair to her.

So you need to decide which way you want to go with this.

When she does come back and if the two of you are still together… well, consider a don’t ask/don’t tell policy about whether there were any indiscretions. Sometimes a little willingness to lie to yourself can be what gets you through a rough patch and lets you fix a relationship that can still be saved. Is it easy? No, it isn’t. But if it means another six months, a year, three years or more of being happy in a relationship that you might otherwise toss aside? Then it can well be worth it.

But that’s all up to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)