DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As I’ve gained more confidence in socializing and interacting with others, there’s still (what I think is) an important skill that I’m lacking: how to remember names and faces.

I bring this up because I came across someone on OKCupid who happens to be in the same grad faculty where I go to school. To be sure, I messaged her asking if that was the case. She responded and said that she did and recognized me from the last event the grad students had been out to.

I felt kinda bad because I wasn’t connecting any name or face, and I’ve always been bad at remembering names. It’s even harder in a context like that event (lots of people, loud atmosphere, alcohol). I’d like to know if there are techniques out there for remembering names and faces. This individual seems understanding but I’m sure there are people out there who would see this as being self-centered.

Sincerely,

Forgetful

DEAR FORGETFUL: Don’t feel too ashamed, Forgetful. Plenty of people have a hard time remembering faces or names. in fact, many people out there – including Brad Pitt, as it turns out – suffer from a cognitive disorder known as prosopagnosia, which can make it incredibly difficult to recognize or remember faces. Personally, I’m actually really bad at remembering names; many times it takes me a couple tries before I can connect a person’s name to the individual. And let me tell you, this gets fun at parties when I introduce myself to somebody I’ve met three or four times before. 

Thing is, knowing how to remember names is an important part of being charismatic and charming. We instinctively listen for our names; how many times have you sworn you heard someone say your name, only to realize you misheard? Dale Carnegie’s quote of  “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” is entirely correct. When someone refers to us by name (instead of “hey you” or what have you) we feel more positively inclined towards that person. They’re showing us that they care enough and respect us enough to remember us… and that’s a pretty powerful feeling. One of the reasons why Tom Cruise is famous for his charm is because he makes a point of learning everybody’s name – gaffers, grips, the catering crew, everyone’s – and calling people by name when he sees them. Same with Bill Clinton; he not only makes a point to remember names but details about the person as well. Whenever he sees them again, he will call them by name and bring up something they talked about last time.

Never underestimate how powerful a “Hey David, how’d that pitch meeting go?” can be when you’re trying to befriend somebody.

Don’t worry if you’re not naturally good at it – or even if you have a problem. There are tricks and techniques to help you remember names and faces better.

To start with: pay attention. I realize this seems obvious, but one of the reasons why some people don’t remember names is because they were too busy getting lost in their own heads rather than listening, especially if you’ve been drinking. It’s easy to get distracted and miss their name – even when you think you heard it. Or you might be the sort who doesn’t listen but instead waits for their turn to talk. If you missed it, don’t be embarrassed. S

t happens; just say “you know what, I feel like a doof, but I don’t think I quite caught your name. Would you mind telling me one more time?”

But as obvious as this might be, it’s still important to consciously choose to pay attention and remember their names and faces. It primes the brain and makes you ready to put it all into practice.

The second trick is simple: repetition, repetition and also: repetition. If you want to remember names, find opportunities to say their name while you’re talking to them. The most obvious times are when you’re first introduced and when you’re leaving. “Hey Mellie, it’s great to meet you, I’m Forgetful,” and “Hey, Mellie, it’s been good talking to you, but I see someone over there I have to go say hi to,” are simple and natural ways of repeating somebody’s name back. You can also ask a question and say their name at the end. The more you say it, the more likely you are to remember it.

The next trick is association. What does their name remind you of? Do they share a name with someone you already know? How about an alliteration? If Mellie is sales, you might think of her as “Mellie from Marketing”. You can also associate their name with an image that they make you think of. 

Another side of this – which will help you associate their face with their name – is to memorize their most obvious facial or bodily feature. If Mellie wears cat’s eye glasses or has purple hair, make a point of picturing that feature along with their name and whatever mnemonic you’re using to associate their name with something.

Another thing you can do is mentally assign them a nickname. This was one of the quickest ways I would remember names of the women I met when I was out and about: whenever I’d get their number, I’d make a joke about how I was going to put them into my phone with some random nickname (such as, say, Reverse Cowgirl). Nicknames and inside jokes are also a great way to help ensure they remember you. Nothing stirs the memory quite like a callback to how you met after all.

The fourth trick: ask them to spell their name. Don’t worry if their name is easy like “Jeff”; everyone has run into someone with an idiosyncratic spelling (Geoff, Cristal, Gerry, Randi, etc.) that it’s understandable that you’d want to double-check. This is especially useful if they do have an unusual way of spelling their name – now you know they’re Jerri-with-an-I not Jerry-with-a-Y. Visualizing writing their name along with their most prominent feature helps cement them in your head.

The fifth trick is very simple: practice. Memory is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Every time you meet somebody new, put these techniques to use. The more you work at remembering names and faces, the easier and more natural it will become. 

Oh, and one more thing: When in doubt – cheat. The great thing about smartphones is that you can use ’em to record all kinds of information. One of the things I’d do after meeting someone was to immediately write down their name, where I met them, who introduced us (if anyone), recognizable features (hair color, glasses, etc.) and important information like their job or something they mentioned. You can jot these down in the note functions on your phone or add them to the “memo” section of any contact apps.

This is also one of those times when it’s quasi-acceptable to stalk them over social media. If you have a name, then do a Google search. At the very least, most people will have a picture of themselves on their Facebook profile – tracking them down this way can be a handy way of making sure you remember their faces after you’ve gone your separate ways, even if you’re not planning on sending a friend request.

In addition: many address book apps will also let you put a picture of someone in their contact information which will show up when they email or call you – another way of helping to associate names with faces. If you do friend them on Facebook, you can set their profile photo as part of their contact info. Alternately, you can find an opportunity to take a photo (with their permission) and use that. If you’re meeting them at clubs or parties, get a friend to take a picture of the two of you.

But those are the tricks that worked for me. Readers: do you have trouble remembering names and faces? Have any tips for cementing peoples’s mugs into your memory? Help Forgetful out and share them in the comments…

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I live in NYC. As I am walking on the street over Union square, all of a sudden a girl comes up and stops me to talk about her non-profit company, which helps conserving nature. Now apparently like others she tries to stop others, explains about her organization’s motto to help the prevent the environment, and lastly asks for a donation. She asks for a donation, and I end up paying. Usually, I am good at passing this kind of situations, but I loved staying with her, and listen to her at that moment. She talks a bit about herself, and I do about myself as well. After all the conversation and formal talking and the payments, I ask her if she is interested in having coffee with me sometimes. She said- “sure.” I ask her to put her number on my cell phone, and she does.

Now, I am having a panic attack because I have not called her yet, and do not even know how to or what to talk about. There is this fear of rejection that I am feeling within me, which is blocking me to talk to her. Yes, I would LOVE to go out with her, because she is beautiful and a very down to earth person.

I would appreciate if you could give me some suggestions or advices as soon as possible on how to approach with that first phone call and keep the ball running. Thank You so much I appreciate your patience. I Hope to hear from you.

– Strangers Waiting Up And Down The Boulevard

DEAR STRANGERS WAITING UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD: I hate to say this Strangers, but the question you’re asking isn’t the one you think you’re asking. Before I get to the meat of your question, I’m going to use you to talk about something else for a second: the science of persuasion and how to tell whether someone genuinely likes you or they’re trying to get you to do something.

Yes, I know this seems random. Stick with me for a second and you’ll see where I’m going with all of this.

We all like to think that we’re strong-willed individuals who never fall for blatant manipulation tactics. We like to insist that ads don’t really work on us; we know what we like and why and Madison Avenue can go screw. We like to think that we’re the gimlet-eyed, hyper-rational man with minds like steel traps who understand everything about ourselves and can spot a user from a mile away. And it’s a nice fantasy, but there’s a reason why advertising agencies are still around and why car dealers are extremely good at getting you to buy expensive add-ons that do absolutely nothing for your car except pad out your payments a little more.

There is a wide-swath of people whose jobs require being professionally friendly. Bartenders, waiters and other service-industry jobs that rely on tips all will be extra friendly or flirty because they know it makes the difference between a 12% tip and a 20% one. Marketers and salesmen want to show that they’re on our side, looking out for our interests because that can make the difference between making the sale or not. Their jobs demand that they understand all of the little things that make us decide how and when to do something. This includes the people standing around with clipboards who want to get you to talk about their organization and make a donation or two.

In your case Strangers, you met someone soliciting signatures and donations, vibed with her for a while, had a nice conversation, made a donation and got her pone number. How much of this is professional interest and how much is genuine? Well, let’s examine some of the techniques that they use.

One of the things you’ll notice is that they’re all incredibly friendly – even effusive. They’ll compliment you right off the bat. They’ll want to compare notes with you and – wouldn’t you know it – the two of you have so much in common! What’re the odds that you’ve met a total stranger who just seems to synch with you so well?

Well, the odds are pretty good when they’re deliberately forcing commonalities.

We’re more likely to do things for people we like, so folks soliciting donations and signatures will go out of their way to make sure we like them – which means that they are going to show interest in us first. We instinctively like people who like us – their showing interest in us makes us feel important and validated. It’s a powerful feeling and one that makes us more inclined to spend time with that person.

Next, they’ll step up the game showing how they’re so similar to us – we’re essentially “of the same tribe”.  They will find the things you have in common – you’re from the same state, you have similar backgrounds and opinions, they like the same things you do, etc. They’ll incorporate subtle influencers like mirroring your body language back to you, which makes you relax and feel more inclined to trust them.

Then they’ll use what’s known as the “yes ladder” to make you more likely to agree with them. It’s an intriguing quirk of the human psyche: the more we say “yes”, the more we want to continue saying “yes”. So they’ll often start with a simple question, something low-investment – “Do you care about helping the environment?”  or “do you have time to talk about saving the children?” for example – that you’re almost guaranteed to say “yes” to. They’ll go into their spiel with regular check-ins, asking if you agree or use phrases like “don’t you think?” which also prompt you to say “yes” again. They’ll ask for another small favor, like agreeing to sign a petition or to be put on the mailing list. By this point, you’ve been prepped for the bigger ask: to make a donation, which has been their goal this entire time.

Now when it comes to street solicitors, having an extended conversation isn’t a sign that they like you especially out of everyone else. Keeping you in the conversation, especially if you haven’t committed to making a donation, makes you more likely to actually give in. The longer you stick around, the more likely you are to do what they want. This is why stores are designed to encourage browsing; the more time you’re there, the more likely that you’re going to buy something.

At this point, hopefully you see where I’m going with this. Your real question isn’t how to ask her out, it’s whether she likes you enough to even make the attempt. And, well… I hate to say it, but I suspect that for all her politeness and seeming interest, your new friend was more interested in getting you to donate money than going on a date with you. Giving you her number doesn’t necessarily mean anything – it may well have been hers, but in a world of caller ID and voicemail, Google Voice and burner numbers, it’s easy enough to avoid calls that you don’t want to take.

Now I could be entirely wrong. I wasn’t there, I don’t know her and I didn’t watch how she interacted with you. And to be perfectly honest, as long as you’re not expecting the sun and stars,  you don’t really lose anything by asking her out on a date. I realize that it doesn’t feel that way; it feels like your entire future balances on that next phone-call. But honestly? This is a no-lose scenario. The worst thing that happens is that she turns you down. And if she does? Your life doesn’t really change. You’re no worse off than you were the day before. Meanwhile, if she agrees to go out with you, then hey, you’ve got a date! How awesome is that?

So just be direct; call her up, give her a reason to remember who you are and tell her that there’s this cool thing you’re doing this weekend that you think she’d enjoy and you’d love it if she’d go with you. Bada bing, bada boom. And if she does say no? Well, then at least you’ve got an answer and you can move on to find someone who is interested in seeing you.

And for future reference, how can you tell whether someone is being friendly out of professional interest or actually likes you? You watch for signs of genuine interest. How much information about herself is she volunteering without your prompting her? How much of it isn’t immediately relevant to the conversation but is designed to make her look cooler? The more she qualifies herself, especially without your prodding, the more she likes you; she’s polishing herself up for your approval. How much is she pumping you for info? The more interested she is in you, the more questions she’ll have – and I mean ones that really get to the heart of who you are rather than the shallow “interview” questions that allow for quick but superficial commonalities. Is she doing a lot of grooming behavior – straightening out her shirt, smoothing her hair, etc. – as she’s talking to you? Is she doing a lot of unprompted touching or reciprocal touching? Is she going out of her way to hang around and talk to you even after she’s gotten what she wanted? The more signs of genuine interest you see, the greater the odds that she actually likes you. Don’t just look for one sign; look for clusters of indications. One sign can be anything, especially when taken out of context. Clusters of signs are more reliable indicators that she’s into you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a rather sensitive question. What is your advice on inter-faith relationships? As a Christian, I’ve met a lot of nice girls, although they are usually of different faiths than me (usually Atheist or Agnostic). Is it worth pursuing relationships with girls of different belief systems in the long run, or should I stick to my faith?

 A Humble Pilgrim

DEAR A HUMBLE PILGRIM: Religion can be a tricky matter when it comes to relationships. It’s deeply and intensely personal, but it is frequently intended to be projected outwards. It’s supposed to be a source of comfort, community and strength, but all too often it’s divisive and exclusionary, and the cause of conflict and anxiety.

And then when you mix two distinctly different ones… hoo boy. If you’re not careful, you end up with a lovely volatile mixture, the emotional equivalent of a Coke bottle full of nitro glycerine.

But it doesn’t have to be.

In general, the more strictly traditional and orthodox the branch of the religion, the more exclusionary it tends to be when it comes to dating and marriage; Orthodox and Hassidic Jews aren’t supposed to date or marry outside of the faith, for example, while traditional Muslim women aren’t supposed to marry non-Muslim men.

For the record: I’m not Christian and I side-eye pretty much EVERYTHING Paul had to say about… well, everything, really. So take all this with the appropriate levels of salt.

In Christianity, the idea of not marrying outside the faith predominantly comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?”, which is a metaphorical reference to a passage in Deuteronomy: certain animals should not be yoked together, because together they cannot plow a straight furrow. The implication is that the unbeliever will inevitably pull the believer off the path of righteousness and into sin with him or her. In less spiritual terms, the implication is that a non-Christian is inherently incompatible with a Christian and that such relationships are doomed to failure anyway.

I, personally, find the idea that you can only be compatible with people of your own religion to be absurd. Just being Christian isn’t going to guarantee the success of a relationship, nor will an interfaith relationship ensure it’s eventual failure. That line of thinking never leads anywhere good, and when you follow it to it’s logical extreme, then you inevitably come to the conclusion that you should never date outside of your own very narrow community. Sure, you both may be Christian… but when one of you is Catholic and the other is a 7th Day Adventist, you’re going to run into just as many complications if one of you is Mormon and the other is Muslim.

The secret to keeping a difference in spiritual beliefs from wrecking a relationship is a matter of respect. You may not share your partner’s belief – or lack thereof – but you should at least respect that they have it. As long as one partner’s belief isn’t a matter of practical difficulty – she doesn’t believe in going to doctors and only relies on crystals and homeopathic remedies, he refuses to touch his partner during her “unclean” times until she’s completely re-sanctified herself – then you have the responsibility of being respectful. This doesn’t mean you can’t disagree – far from it, I’m a firm believer in the idea that you should be able to have a reasonable disagreement on the subject – but at the same time you shouldn’t actively disrespect it or otherwise antagonize it. If she’s a Jew who keeps kosher, you don’t want to taunt her about the salami sandwich you just had. If he’s Christian, you shouldn’t be telling him about how “cute” it is that a grown-ass man still has his invisible friend from childhood.

Similarly, you have an obligation not to try to press your religion – or, again, lack thereof – on your partner. A relationship is not an open-ended invitation to proselytize. Be willing to answer questions, sure. Explain the tenets of your faith and why you feel they are correct. But unless he or she specifically expresses interest in conversion, your best choice is to leave it well enough alone. Leading by example is far more persuasive than constantly explaining to someone that if they don’t believe exactly as your Invisible Sky-Daddy said you should, they’re going to be condemned to Hell and you’d feel horrible about it if they were.

In your case, AHP, you’re meeting girls who’re attractive and interesting… but aren’t Christian. I don’t think that this has to be a deal-breaker; in fact, I think you may be missing out on relationships that you may find make your life richer and more rewarding. As long as you’re willing to be respectful of their beliefs and they’re willing to afford you the same courtesy, there’s no reason why things couldn’t work out.

And if you’re terribly worried about the Bible forbidding you from interfaith relationships, I’ll point you towards 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 : ”If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)