DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I was a lonely kid. I remember reading a story in 5th grade that described a friend as someone who you told your deepest secrets to, and felt mystified enough by that to mention it in this letter two decades later. Fell into some social circles by middle and high school, and fell right out of them again once those concluded. Dropped out of my first year away at college so hard it registered on seismometers. My bad breakup that year made me terrified of any negative feelings in a relationship – the moment the first hint of jealousy showed up after that, I would shut down completely.

After years of underemployment and living at home, I joined the Army. For two months prior to basic training I felt like a normal person. I was working out two hours a day with a small group of dedicated future soldiers and everything just clicked. I was well-liked by peers and superiors, and did well enough to make Staff Sergeant. However, despite being respected, I never really made lasting friendships, whether with co-workers or while pursuing my hobbies outside of work. Either I would invite people to do things and they would consistently flake out, or I would join people for social events outside of work and feel more distant than ever. I did go to a succession of therapists while I was in for (basically) dysthymia but never did seem to get anywhere.

Now I’m in a vocational program in a new city and between jobs. I’m going to meetups and pursuing my hobbies but the whole making friends thing still eludes me (as does a greater life purpose, but one problem at a time). I don’t think my social skills are bad – I can Dale Carnegie my way through most interactions. Active listening isn’t a problem because people usually are pretty interesting if you give them a chance to talk, and I do far more listening than talking. I just feel like real connection is consistently eluding me and I don’t know why. Obviously if I can’t make friendships then anything romantic is a non-starter. What few romantic relationship attempts I’ve had fizzled out when she lost interest.

I’m having a hard time visualizing what a close friendship would even look like, beyond showing up and doing things. I’ve been carefully curating what I say for so long that I don’t know how to be authentic in a relationship in a way that isn’t emotional vomit. Expressing how I actually feel has consistently had negative results; reaching out to others always left me feeling disconnected, so I stopped.

So in sweeping terms the answer seems to be vulnerability. However, I’ve read your material, as well as reading Brene Brown’s book and several other sources and where I’m arriving consistently is “yes, but how?” There’s some sort of underpants gnome logic here that I’m clearly missing.

Stuck in a Fishbowl

DEAR STUCK IN A FISHBOWL: Have you ever met someone, had a conversation with them, even worked with them for weeks or months and only belatedly realize that you know absolutely nothing about them, SiaF? You have some bare-bones basic knowledge of the facts of their lives — what they did over the weekend, how they feel about their current assignment at work, how they felt about the conclusion of the Skywalker saga… but you don’t know anything about them as a person?

How often would you think of that person when it came time to do something social? How often do you think about that person at all when they’re not in your immediate eye-line or required for some task that you’re working on? And how often would you consider that person anything more than just an acquaintance, another face in a sea of faces at work. Someone to nod at on the way in or as you’re leaving for the day, but that’s more or less it?

From the sounds of things, that’s what’s going on with you, SiaF. You can socialize, you can charm, you can mingle… but you don’t really connect because it doesn’t sound like you give anyone anything to connect to. And I suspect the problem is one of authenticity and vulnerability.

At the heart of the matter is the idea of vulnerability. This is something that a lot of folks get wrong, especially men, in no small part because we tend to see vulnerability as just letting down all the shields and feelings-vomit all over the place. Contrary to what we’re primed to expect — hey, we’re being vulnerable, people should respond to that! — what we get are folks shying away from us, particularly other men. Because we’re socialized to believe that the only acceptable emotions to display are anger and stoic indifference, we have a hard time expressing how we genuinely feel. We’re functionally out of practice and so we tend to just barf everything up like an emotional Mr. Creosote.  This isn’t productive under the best of circumstances, but it’s especially off-putting to other men. Since we’re not used to expressing emotions ourselves, we tend to uncomfortable with outward displays of emotion, especially any that we consider “weak” like sadness or frustration; doubly so if it involves tears.

(This, incidentally, is one of the reasons why so many guys think that women tearing up is “cheating” somehow; they’re so uncomfortable with such an open expression of emotion that they try to avoid it or make it stop.)

But being vulnerable isn’t about just feels-dumping on people or having no boundaries or filter. It’s not about just projectile-vomiting your feels all over the place or sharing whatever thought comes into your head, it’s about expressing yourself authentically. Take, for example, the concept of a “guilty pleasure”. The idea is that this is something that you enjoy that you know you’re not “supposed” to. It could be a manly-man’s love for Taylor Swift’s music, a grown-ass man enjoying cartoons like Steven Universe and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, reading “trashy” books or other things that are somehow out of bounds for whatever reason. But defining things as a guilty pleasure is the exact opposite of vulnerability and authenticity; that “heh heh, yeah I know I’m not supposed to like this” is a way of guarding against judgement by acknowledging that he’s not supposed to enjoy it. Someone who’s letting themselves be vulnerable, however, isn’t going to make excuses; they like it because it speaks to them or because they enjoy it in and of itself and they don’t care if other folks think it’s weird.

Similarly, vulnerability is the opposite of the curated life that many of us live. In an era of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, there’s this intense pressure to live a life that seems perfect and amazing at all times. Everything is posed, staged and airbrushed within an inch of its life because it’s being propped up for the consumption of others. We’re putting up emotional and social Potemkin villages in order to show the world just how awesome and amazing we are. But embracing vulnerability means not being afraid of letting the cracks show. It means letting go of the idea that you need to display excellence at all times. Not every weekend can be a crazy rager or an amazing adventure. Not every meal is going to be a banquet and not every paycheck is going to be a fortune. Sometimes your dinner is going to be scrounging crackers and cheese like a trash-goblin; sometimes your weekend is going to be spent on the couch because you were just overwhelmed and needed to turn your brain off.

When we embrace vulnerability, we are being emotionally honest. We’re letting people see our real selves. That lets us forge real connections with the people we’re looking to build relationships with.

Now like I said, that doesn’t mean that you just go up to someone and open up to them about how awful your weekend was. It’s more about not being afraid to let them see the real you and get to know you on a level that’s deeper than what’s on the immediate surface. You don’t need to tell them all about your insecurities or your deepest fears; you just let them see more of who you actually are and what you’re actually about.

And yeah, you’re probably going to have to be the first to be vulnerable with folks. Many times, connecting with people and making lasting friendships means modelling the kind of friendship you want to have. That’s why the key is being real with folks; by doing so, you’re giving them permission to be real with you.

You’re also not just sitting around talking about your feelings (but hey, you can totally do that too); you can be real and bond while you’re doing other things. You can grab beers and talk about real s

t. You can play video games and still talk about goals or ambitions and interests. When you have those moments to talk about something real or meaningful about you, let yourself be real instead of going with the expected, humorous or otherwise defensive answer.

The more folks you’re spending time with feel like they’re getting to know the real you, the easier it becomes to forge a connection that’s more than just weak, surface ties.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know how to start, but here it goes.

I was reading your article on your site about “How to know when to end a relationship”, as I’m in a situation right now and I’m not sure how to proceed. Here are the details (in the simplest form possible).

I’m 29 year old male, and my wife is 28. She’s my high-school sweetheart. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 3. And we have an 18 month old daughter.

So, just like any other couple, our 12 year relationship has had ups and downs. However, I’m starting to wonder if there are certain parts of the relationship that have gone south and that are simply beyond repair. One of the (my) main issues is the lack of sex. Most of the articles that I’ve read feel that this is one, if not the most important sign/red flag. I understand that expectations need to be kept in check (things won’t be the same in year ten as they were in year 1). However, what I’m noticing is that the sex has gone progressively downhill for the last 4 years or so.

It was never “extremely exciting” so to speak, but there was some consistency (4-5 times/week), but now it seems like it’s more of a “chore” for my wife than anything else. It puts me in a very difficult position because I want to have sex (and a lot of it) and she doesn’t really have the desire. Another factor that I feel puts additional pressure on me is the fact that she’s the only woman I’ve ever slept with. I definitely do not consider myself a stud (not even close), but there are occasions where attractive girls are legitimately interested in me, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to say “Sorry, I’m married”. 

Another issue is I feel like she’s much more negative (in general terms) than she should be. Small issues or concerns turn into problems that wake her up/keep her up. One of the by-products is that she sometimes gets upset with me over small issues. Since I consider myself a very happy person, this type of behaviors is simply exhausting and draining to me. It’s gotten to the point where I simply ignore it as I don’t want it affecting me.

I should clarify that this isn’t the behaviors “all the time”, just much more often than I feel it should be. We also seem to fight more than we used to. I’m not really sure why, but I’m noticing that it’s happening more.

The third and fourth issues are the fact that we have a child together and that I’m somewhat worried of being single (or the thought of being single).

Like I mentioned, I’ve been with my spouse for my entire adulthood, and being single is like stepping into the complete unknown. Can I get another relationship? Will I regret this when I do/don’t get someone else or at some other point down the road? Will it affect my daughter?

I’m also very uncomfortable with having to talk/deal with her on a daily basis (since we have a child). I always preferred (or would have) a clean break with no ties (I should not that I wouldn’t trade my daughter in for the world). I know most of these issues seem a bit juvenile, but they are issues that seem to be impacting my decision nevertheless.

Having said all that, there are many positives as well. We work very well as a couple with my daughter. We are very good at “teamwork” when it comes to getting various chores and things done off of our weekly “to-do” list. We enjoy some common activities (some sports, TV shows, etc). We obviously have a certain kind of love and mutual respect after 12 years together.

As you might decipher, the lack of sex is the biggest (but not only) issues that I have. I’m very reluctant to leave the relationship for this reason (although there would be others) as it would be very negatively perceived (or at least I think it would) by our friends and family. Having said that, when I look at our relationship, I feel that it is now more of a very good friendship (which is obviously very important in any relationship) than an actual relationship. I believe that I’m having difficulty with this as I’m not only looking for a best friend but also a partner in every sense of the word.

I’m kind of at a cross-roads in this relationship right now. I refuse to simply “accept” the issues, but yet I’ve been telling myself this for the last two years or so. I’m not really sure what I should do and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Waiting for the End of Time To Hurry Up And Arrive

DEAR WAITING FOR THE END OF TIME: OK, let’s take things a step at a time.

First: It’s entirely normal to be interested in people outside of your relationship. Being monogamous just means that you don’t have sex with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to. The fact that you have desire for someone besides your wife isn’t a sign that anything’s wrong, it just means that you’re a human with a sex drive. Our culture doesn’t like to acknowledge that monogamy is hard; we are literally not built for it, so it can and will be a struggle for a lot of people, especially over the long term.

Now under normal circumstances, you are correct: the lack of sex would be a red flag. However, there’s one major factor influencing the relative lack of sex: you have an 18-month old daughter.

I want you to re-read that part a couple of times. It’s important.

One quirk of the human psyche is that we can adapt to ANYTHING. No matter how amazing something may be — a gorgeous partner, mad passionate sex, an expensive sports car — it becomes part of our status quo. The novelty of it fades and it doesn’t excite us as much as it used to because… well, it’s just part of our day to day lives. Sexual passion is no different; the amount of oxytocin and dopamine generated by sex with the same person tends to diminish over time. This is a normal part of relationships – passion ebbs, only to be replaced by a calmer but deeper emotional intimacy. Now, the fact that your sexual satisfaction has been going down hill over the last four years could be due to a number of issues: stress, health issues, hormone imbalance, the 7 year itch… but the fact that you have a kid is a going to be a very, very significant part of that.

Having a child, especially one who’s barely out of infancy, is going to put a major damper on your sex life; the lack of sleep, the stress that comes with balancing caring for the child, taking care of the house, work and maintaining a relationship – all of this is going to make it much harder to find the time or interest in sex. If your wife is the primary caregiver – you don’t say which of you does the majority of the child-rearing – then I can see why her libido may have taken a nose-dive.

Have you talked to your wife about all of this? Because I’m willing to bet that at least part of the issue is that she’s feeling as though she’s saddling the lion’s share of the burden of handling your daughter AND maintaining hearth and home AND her own career – all very good reasons why she may well be more snappish and less sexual than normal. It may well be that she’s wishing for some time off, or for you to be more of an equal partner in keeping things running. If you helped out more — and I mean, taking up a roughly equal level of responsibility, not just a little help here and there — then things could get back to where they were. If that is the case, no goddamn wonder that she’s seeing sex as a chore; it’s just one more thing piled on to the billion other items on her “to-do” list that never seems to end and that she just doesn’t have the energy for.

Then again, it could well be that her libido is out of whack, that she’s feeling the same “why didn’t I fool around more before settling down” blues that you are or that she’s just decided that she’s done with sex and therefore you are too. Or she’s having a hard time transitioning back to being a sexual being under the stresses of jobs and motherhood.

You’ll have to tell me; this is all information that I don’t have.

Now, for my big question: Are you looking to fix things or are you looking for me to give you permission to do what you already want to do?

Frankly, none of these issues sound like deal-breakers to me. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it sounds much more like you’re horny and frustrated and having the opportunity for sex with someone new is just highlighting how long it’s been since you’ve had your gotten laid and you’re starting to get a little caught up in the appeal of some new strange.

There’s nothing like a case of sexual deprivation to make little things way the hell more annoying than they would be under normal circumstances; let that go on long enough and the idea of “God only knows what I could do right now” worms it’s way in.

If you’ve already got a foot out the door and you’re just looking for someone to back you up… well, then what I have to say isn’t really going to make a difference. None of the problems you have here are terribly insurmountable or even unusual in the course of a long-term relationship. I don’t see anything in your letter that couldn’t be addressed by some long, honest conversations with your wife – possibly even some couples therapy to help with any communication issues you two may be having.

But like I’ve said before: you can leave a relationship for any reason. It may not be a GOOD reason, and people may well criticize you for it, but you can leave for literally ANY reason. And that includes “I want out.”

That having been said: I think in your case, you’re making a major life decision based on the fact that you’re stupid horny right now, and that’s a bad way to make decisions.

I’m certainly not going to tell you to stay in a relationship that you’re unhappy in, but at the same time, I really don’t think that leaving – or trying to self-destruct the marriage by cheating – is the right answer for you, your wife or your daughter. Get a Fleshlight and some fresh porn and go to town so you can think clearly. Then go and talk with your wife  – especially with some couples counseling – before you pull the trigger on the relationship and risk making a decision you’ll really regret.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading/listening to your blog and podcast for a while now and know that you get a lot of questions about the friend-zone but here I am with another question. It’s the same issue except reverse-gendered (so I guess I’m stuck in the bro-zone as opposed to the friend-zone): I’ve gotten to know this guy pretty well over the past semester and have really fallen for him. We talk a lot and have an emotional connection and I think he at least used to have feelings for me (and may still do, who knows).

The problem is, once I started to realize my feelings for him I also found out about his budding relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I was too stressed about all that emotional drama and decided to overcome it by confessing to him and then kind of friend-zoning him…

I know, it’s a pretty stupid move but I just couldn’t handle all that drama at the moment and I really needed to focus on raising my grades. So I told him I liked him, we both agreed that he wasn’t ready for a relationship (he had some religious issues to sort out), and went back to being friends. Except now I’ve become pretty much his closest confident and I’m pretty much always hearing about him and the mutual friend’s relationship. Just for the record, they’ve admitted to both liking each other, decided to have a probationary period of ‘friendship’ cuz of his religious issue, and now he’s stressed because he feels like she’s putting so much effort into the relationship and he still feels unsure about even going into a dating relationship.

And I’m hearing about this all the time while still liking him. But trying to get over the fact that I like him. And acting like I don’t like him.

tl;dr I like this guy, I bro-zoned myself, he’s on the cusp of going into a relationship but is technically still single; should I try to assert my romantic interests again or simply let go?

– Hole In The Brozone Layer

DEAR HOLE IN THE BROZONE LAYER: First and foremost, I want to give my standard disclaimer: there’s no such thing as “The Friend Zone”. There are just people who don’t want to date or have sex with someone.

Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t call “dibs” over other people. Your friend liked him too and, hey, good for him. To be perfectly honest, I have an increasingly low tolerance for unnecessary relationship drama and getting upset over “I LIKED HIM FIRST” is the Lord High Drama Llama of Drama County.

Let’s just say that you had asked him out, knowing full well that your friend liked him too. Worst case scenario: one of you gets a boyfriend, the other doesn’t and everybody manages to get over it. But if it’s still “burgeoning” or “exploring the possibility of maybe we’re attracted” (which, from your description, never got past that stage) then the man’s still fair game.

Deliberately friend-zoning yourself was a bad move, and doing that makes getting out harder. It’s something of a mistake to tell someone “hey, I have absolutely no pants-feelings for you whatsoever” when, in fact, you KNOW you do, because it’s that much harder to turn around and say “just kidding!” when they’ve started dating someone else.

In doing so, you’ve encouraged him to stop seeing you as a potential partner and just as a friend. Setting that filter in place means that it’s going to color everything else about your relationship. “I dunno, I just never thought of you like that” is a hard thing to shake without a major reinvention/reboot of your relationship.

However, as much of a mistake as saying “nah, we’re strictly platonic” was, choosing to hang around someone you still had feelings for and becoming his new BFF was an even worse one… although I’m sure there will be men reading this who’ll be relieved to know women make that mistake too.

But continuing to pretend you don’t like him was possibly the BIGGEST of the mistakes, and to be frankL: it’s kind of a dickish thing to do to him and to yourself. You’re friends under false pretenses AND you’re torturing yourself by trying to act like you’re all cool with his telling you everything about this girl he kinda likes but can’t quite pull the trigger on.

The dishonesty is bad enough but even if we set that aside… think of how it would make him feel to know that he’s inadvertently causing you pain. It may not be his fault — you’re the one who made that call — but that doesn’t mean that he’s not going to feel bad about it. He’s not going to want his friend to be in pain because of him… especially over something that he can’t really do anything about.

Still, you seem to have been ok with this status quo; you made your decision and opted to focus on your grades instead, because you thought that the possibility of changing this situation – of getting out of the BroZone – was always there. Until suddenly it seems as though it might not and you kinda have a minor freakout about the fact that the window of opportunity may be closing.

Except I’m not sure it is. Frankly, from the sounds of things, I’m not entirely sure it was ever open in the first place. While you may still like the guy… he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to date ANYONE right now. Unless there’s stuff you left out, the way you describe him makes it sound as though he’s nowhere near the cusp of a relationship with this other girl, he’s still trying to figure out whether he wants to be in one at all with anyone. If you think dealing with a mutual friend getting all CW on you would be high drama, you’ve never tried dating someone who’s still working through the conflict between what their religion says and what their junk is saying.

Cold hard truth time: the best thing you can do is let him go. He’s still trying to sort out all of his issues surrounding his religion and whether he’s allowed to (or wants to) date or not. Throwing yourself at him – especially when he hasn’t given you any signs that he’s been waiting for you to come around – isn’t going to make it any easier for him or you and could well be the catalyst for a full-blown freak-out.

It’s time for you to do something good for yourself and let this guy go. Torturing yourself over what sounds like a hopeless case is only going to make you miserable for no good reason. Find somebody else – someone who’s actually available – and don’t make the mistake of letting someone else pre-empt your decision to ask him out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)