DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know how to start, but here it goes.

I was reading your article on your site about “How to know when to end a relationship”, as I’m in a situation right now and I’m not sure how to proceed. Here are the details (in the simplest form possible).

I’m 29 year old male, and my wife is 28. She’s my high-school sweetheart. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 3. And we have an 18 month old daughter.

So, just like any other couple, our 12 year relationship has had ups and downs. However, I’m starting to wonder if there are certain parts of the relationship that have gone south and that are simply beyond repair. One of the (my) main issues is the lack of sex. Most of the articles that I’ve read feel that this is one, if not the most important sign/red flag. I understand that expectations need to be kept in check (things won’t be the same in year ten as they were in year 1). However, what I’m noticing is that the sex has gone progressively downhill for the last 4 years or so.

It was never “extremely exciting” so to speak, but there was some consistency (4-5 times/week), but now it seems like it’s more of a “chore” for my wife than anything else. It puts me in a very difficult position because I want to have sex (and a lot of it) and she doesn’t really have the desire. Another factor that I feel puts additional pressure on me is the fact that she’s the only woman I’ve ever slept with. I definitely do not consider myself a stud (not even close), but there are occasions where attractive girls are legitimately interested in me, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to say “Sorry, I’m married”. 

Another issue is I feel like she’s much more negative (in general terms) than she should be. Small issues or concerns turn into problems that wake her up/keep her up. One of the by-products is that she sometimes gets upset with me over small issues. Since I consider myself a very happy person, this type of behaviors is simply exhausting and draining to me. It’s gotten to the point where I simply ignore it as I don’t want it affecting me.

I should clarify that this isn’t the behaviors “all the time”, just much more often than I feel it should be. We also seem to fight more than we used to. I’m not really sure why, but I’m noticing that it’s happening more.

The third and fourth issues are the fact that we have a child together and that I’m somewhat worried of being single (or the thought of being single).

Like I mentioned, I’ve been with my spouse for my entire adulthood, and being single is like stepping into the complete unknown. Can I get another relationship? Will I regret this when I do/don’t get someone else or at some other point down the road? Will it affect my daughter?

I’m also very uncomfortable with having to talk/deal with her on a daily basis (since we have a child). I always preferred (or would have) a clean break with no ties (I should not that I wouldn’t trade my daughter in for the world). I know most of these issues seem a bit juvenile, but they are issues that seem to be impacting my decision nevertheless.

Having said all that, there are many positives as well. We work very well as a couple with my daughter. We are very good at “teamwork” when it comes to getting various chores and things done off of our weekly “to-do” list. We enjoy some common activities (some sports, TV shows, etc). We obviously have a certain kind of love and mutual respect after 12 years together.

As you might decipher, the lack of sex is the biggest (but not only) issues that I have. I’m very reluctant to leave the relationship for this reason (although there would be others) as it would be very negatively perceived (or at least I think it would) by our friends and family. Having said that, when I look at our relationship, I feel that it is now more of a very good friendship (which is obviously very important in any relationship) than an actual relationship. I believe that I’m having difficulty with this as I’m not only looking for a best friend but also a partner in every sense of the word.

I’m kind of at a cross-roads in this relationship right now. I refuse to simply “accept” the issues, but yet I’ve been telling myself this for the last two years or so. I’m not really sure what I should do and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Waiting for the End of Time To Hurry Up And Arrive

DEAR WAITING FOR THE END OF TIME: OK, let’s take things a step at a time.

First: It’s entirely normal to be interested in people outside of your relationship. Being monogamous just means that you don’t have sex with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to. The fact that you have desire for someone besides your wife isn’t a sign that anything’s wrong, it just means that you’re a human with a sex drive. Our culture doesn’t like to acknowledge that monogamy is hard; we are literally not built for it, so it can and will be a struggle for a lot of people, especially over the long term.

Now under normal circumstances, you are correct: the lack of sex would be a red flag. However, there’s one major factor influencing the relative lack of sex: you have an 18-month old daughter.

I want you to re-read that part a couple of times. It’s important.

One quirk of the human psyche is that we can adapt to ANYTHING. No matter how amazing something may be — a gorgeous partner, mad passionate sex, an expensive sports car — it becomes part of our status quo. The novelty of it fades and it doesn’t excite us as much as it used to because… well, it’s just part of our day to day lives. Sexual passion is no different; the amount of oxytocin and dopamine generated by sex with the same person tends to diminish over time. This is a normal part of relationships – passion ebbs, only to be replaced by a calmer but deeper emotional intimacy. Now, the fact that your sexual satisfaction has been going down hill over the last four years could be due to a number of issues: stress, health issues, hormone imbalance, the 7 year itch… but the fact that you have a kid is a going to be a very, very significant part of that.

Having a child, especially one who’s barely out of infancy, is going to put a major damper on your sex life; the lack of sleep, the stress that comes with balancing caring for the child, taking care of the house, work and maintaining a relationship – all of this is going to make it much harder to find the time or interest in sex. If your wife is the primary caregiver – you don’t say which of you does the majority of the child-rearing – then I can see why her libido may have taken a nose-dive.

Have you talked to your wife about all of this? Because I’m willing to bet that at least part of the issue is that she’s feeling as though she’s saddling the lion’s share of the burden of handling your daughter AND maintaining hearth and home AND her own career – all very good reasons why she may well be more snappish and less sexual than normal. It may well be that she’s wishing for some time off, or for you to be more of an equal partner in keeping things running. If you helped out more — and I mean, taking up a roughly equal level of responsibility, not just a little help here and there — then things could get back to where they were. If that is the case, no goddamn wonder that she’s seeing sex as a chore; it’s just one more thing piled on to the billion other items on her “to-do” list that never seems to end and that she just doesn’t have the energy for.

Then again, it could well be that her libido is out of whack, that she’s feeling the same “why didn’t I fool around more before settling down” blues that you are or that she’s just decided that she’s done with sex and therefore you are too. Or she’s having a hard time transitioning back to being a sexual being under the stresses of jobs and motherhood.

You’ll have to tell me; this is all information that I don’t have.

Now, for my big question: Are you looking to fix things or are you looking for me to give you permission to do what you already want to do?

Frankly, none of these issues sound like deal-breakers to me. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it sounds much more like you’re horny and frustrated and having the opportunity for sex with someone new is just highlighting how long it’s been since you’ve had your gotten laid and you’re starting to get a little caught up in the appeal of some new strange.

There’s nothing like a case of sexual deprivation to make little things way the hell more annoying than they would be under normal circumstances; let that go on long enough and the idea of “God only knows what I could do right now” worms it’s way in.

If you’ve already got a foot out the door and you’re just looking for someone to back you up… well, then what I have to say isn’t really going to make a difference. None of the problems you have here are terribly insurmountable or even unusual in the course of a long-term relationship. I don’t see anything in your letter that couldn’t be addressed by some long, honest conversations with your wife – possibly even some couples therapy to help with any communication issues you two may be having.

But like I’ve said before: you can leave a relationship for any reason. It may not be a GOOD reason, and people may well criticize you for it, but you can leave for literally ANY reason. And that includes “I want out.”

That having been said: I think in your case, you’re making a major life decision based on the fact that you’re stupid horny right now, and that’s a bad way to make decisions.

I’m certainly not going to tell you to stay in a relationship that you’re unhappy in, but at the same time, I really don’t think that leaving – or trying to self-destruct the marriage by cheating – is the right answer for you, your wife or your daughter. Get a Fleshlight and some fresh porn and go to town so you can think clearly. Then go and talk with your wife  – especially with some couples counseling – before you pull the trigger on the relationship and risk making a decision you’ll really regret.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading/listening to your blog and podcast for a while now and know that you get a lot of questions about the friend-zone but here I am with another question. It’s the same issue except reverse-gendered (so I guess I’m stuck in the bro-zone as opposed to the friend-zone): I’ve gotten to know this guy pretty well over the past semester and have really fallen for him. We talk a lot and have an emotional connection and I think he at least used to have feelings for me (and may still do, who knows).

The problem is, once I started to realize my feelings for him I also found out about his budding relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I was too stressed about all that emotional drama and decided to overcome it by confessing to him and then kind of friend-zoning him…

I know, it’s a pretty stupid move but I just couldn’t handle all that drama at the moment and I really needed to focus on raising my grades. So I told him I liked him, we both agreed that he wasn’t ready for a relationship (he had some religious issues to sort out), and went back to being friends. Except now I’ve become pretty much his closest confident and I’m pretty much always hearing about him and the mutual friend’s relationship. Just for the record, they’ve admitted to both liking each other, decided to have a probationary period of ‘friendship’ cuz of his religious issue, and now he’s stressed because he feels like she’s putting so much effort into the relationship and he still feels unsure about even going into a dating relationship.

And I’m hearing about this all the time while still liking him. But trying to get over the fact that I like him. And acting like I don’t like him.

tl;dr I like this guy, I bro-zoned myself, he’s on the cusp of going into a relationship but is technically still single; should I try to assert my romantic interests again or simply let go?

– Hole In The Brozone Layer

DEAR HOLE IN THE BROZONE LAYER: First and foremost, I want to give my standard disclaimer: there’s no such thing as “The Friend Zone”. There are just people who don’t want to date or have sex with someone.

Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t call “dibs” over other people. Your friend liked him too and, hey, good for him. To be perfectly honest, I have an increasingly low tolerance for unnecessary relationship drama and getting upset over “I LIKED HIM FIRST” is the Lord High Drama Llama of Drama County.

Let’s just say that you had asked him out, knowing full well that your friend liked him too. Worst case scenario: one of you gets a boyfriend, the other doesn’t and everybody manages to get over it. But if it’s still “burgeoning” or “exploring the possibility of maybe we’re attracted” (which, from your description, never got past that stage) then the man’s still fair game.

Deliberately friend-zoning yourself was a bad move, and doing that makes getting out harder. It’s something of a mistake to tell someone “hey, I have absolutely no pants-feelings for you whatsoever” when, in fact, you KNOW you do, because it’s that much harder to turn around and say “just kidding!” when they’ve started dating someone else.

In doing so, you’ve encouraged him to stop seeing you as a potential partner and just as a friend. Setting that filter in place means that it’s going to color everything else about your relationship. “I dunno, I just never thought of you like that” is a hard thing to shake without a major reinvention/reboot of your relationship.

However, as much of a mistake as saying “nah, we’re strictly platonic” was, choosing to hang around someone you still had feelings for and becoming his new BFF was an even worse one… although I’m sure there will be men reading this who’ll be relieved to know women make that mistake too.

But continuing to pretend you don’t like him was possibly the BIGGEST of the mistakes, and to be frankL: it’s kind of a dickish thing to do to him and to yourself. You’re friends under false pretenses AND you’re torturing yourself by trying to act like you’re all cool with his telling you everything about this girl he kinda likes but can’t quite pull the trigger on.

The dishonesty is bad enough but even if we set that aside… think of how it would make him feel to know that he’s inadvertently causing you pain. It may not be his fault — you’re the one who made that call — but that doesn’t mean that he’s not going to feel bad about it. He’s not going to want his friend to be in pain because of him… especially over something that he can’t really do anything about.

Still, you seem to have been ok with this status quo; you made your decision and opted to focus on your grades instead, because you thought that the possibility of changing this situation – of getting out of the BroZone – was always there. Until suddenly it seems as though it might not and you kinda have a minor freakout about the fact that the window of opportunity may be closing.

Except I’m not sure it is. Frankly, from the sounds of things, I’m not entirely sure it was ever open in the first place. While you may still like the guy… he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to date ANYONE right now. Unless there’s stuff you left out, the way you describe him makes it sound as though he’s nowhere near the cusp of a relationship with this other girl, he’s still trying to figure out whether he wants to be in one at all with anyone. If you think dealing with a mutual friend getting all CW on you would be high drama, you’ve never tried dating someone who’s still working through the conflict between what their religion says and what their junk is saying.

Cold hard truth time: the best thing you can do is let him go. He’s still trying to sort out all of his issues surrounding his religion and whether he’s allowed to (or wants to) date or not. Throwing yourself at him – especially when he hasn’t given you any signs that he’s been waiting for you to come around – isn’t going to make it any easier for him or you and could well be the catalyst for a full-blown freak-out.

It’s time for you to do something good for yourself and let this guy go. Torturing yourself over what sounds like a hopeless case is only going to make you miserable for no good reason. Find somebody else – someone who’s actually available – and don’t make the mistake of letting someone else pre-empt your decision to ask him out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you or anyone else have been noticing this trend of being really compatible with someone in text and being shy and awkward when actually meeting with them. I guess I should provide some background first to illustrate what I mean. 

I’m 29 and a bit inexperienced when it comes to dating. And when I mean inexperienced, I mean I’ve only kissed one girl two times and fooled around with another without it going all the way. I’m sure you can extrapolate from there. Suffice it to say, I’ve barely an idea on what to do when it comes to touching women. Fast forward to now.

I’ve been seeing this 23 year-old girl I met on OKCupid for a couple of months now. We’d exchanged a few emails until I finally asked her out to coffee. She gave me her number and asked me to text her so we could set something up. After finally getting up the nerve, I sent the initial text after which we talked for quite a while. We were surprised to see how comfortable we were texting each other. The way she put it, it was like we were old friends. This definitely made me feel better about meeting up with her. 

So we met for coffee, which went well enough. There were definite signs of awkwardness on both sides, but I totally expected that. No worries! We hugged goodbye and agreed to meet up again. 

We’ve had several meetings since then, yet all with differing results. In between meetings we keep in touch on text where we banter and flirt well and even sext with each other at points. However, in person, we’re a lot more reserved and almost scared to touch each other. We’ve cuddled and kissed (again, with differing results), but I feel unable to take things further than that or act on things that I’ve said to her in text. There are other issues, but for the sake of brevity, the texting thing seems to be the main one.

I took to reading quite a few of your articles to understand more about how to build chemistry, getting past the touch barrier, ways to make her feel comfortable around me, etc. Even with all that, we’ve both noticed that we seem unable to translate our texting rapport, if we could call it that, into our in-person encounters. 

I really don’t feel like I’m the only one experiencing this either. My little sister, who only just began dating and is part of a generation that’s more used to texting has seen the same thing where she’ll find herself being honest and open in text, yet shy and reserved when near the guy she’s seeing. Really surprised me to hear that. 

I know texting has its obvious advantages over constant phone calls, but I wonder if maybe my sister and I (and possibly others) have come to rely on it too much. If so, what can we do to fix the issue? Or is there some other issue I’m simply not seeing?

Thanks for listening and keep up the good work!

-Texting Junkie

DEAR TEXTING JUNKIE: From the sounds of it, you’re both on the shy side of things and relatively inexperienced.

The thing you may have noticed is that texting is a disinhibiter when it comes to communication. When you’re not immediately in somebody’s presence – or even talking to them on the phone – it’s easy to overcome your natural shyness and reticence and say things that you might never say in person. You’re less likely to feel judged or awkward because it simply feels like there are fewer consequences; in a very literal way, people almost feel less “real”, which means the stakes are functionally lower and you’re able to let your guard down a little more.

When you’re together in person, however, things can be a little different. Now you’re actually there, you’re experiencing the difference between what’s essentially a fantasy and the reality… and the reality is way more intense. You may have had all kinds of dirty talk via texting or email or IM, but now that you’re together in person there’s body heat and you can feel her breath on your skin and smell her hair and you’ve noticed that your hands are shaking because now you’re trying to actually recreate what you were talking about and the stakes feel so much higher and how are you supposed to pull off those things you were talking about, what if you do things wrong or they get weird or maybe they have second thoughts or, or, or…

(Incidentally: This is the difference between dating someone online and dating them in person. No matter how hot and heavy you two may get online, even via Skype, there’s nothing equivalent to being in the same room with somebody, letting your pheromones wash over one another and feeling the intense sensations that only physical presence can bring).

Now there are two likely causes for the problem here. The first is that it could very well be that you’re just not that into each other or she’s not that into you physically but feels like she should be after the way she’s been flirting up a storm via her phone.

The second is that you’re both just shy and reserved and feeling the pressure to live up to everything you’d been saying via text. Either way: the key here is that you need to just relax and use your words.

You mention reading over the articles on chemistry and trying to make her feel comfortable, but you don’t mention whether or not you’ve actually talked about how shy and reserved you’re both feeling. You’re both feeling awkward and uptight, even though you both know you’re into each other. You know the best way to kill the awkward? Call it out. Just say “you know what? I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling kind of awkward and nervous right about now.” Own your awkward feeling. Be willing to admit it exists. Let yourself be vulnerable and just own up to the fact that you’re feeling weird and shy and isn’t it ridiculous?

I think you’d be surprised by her reaction; I’m willing to bet that she will just about explode with relief that somebody said it and now it’s out in the open instead of the two of you just pretending that it doesn’t exist and trying to force your way around it. Don’t try to force a resolution – don’t just say “this is awkward, we should be able to suck face ok, 1, 2, 3 GO” – but just bring it up. Talk about it. Explain how you’re feeling and encourage her to explain how she’s feeling. And be especially willing to laugh at yourselves over it. That laughter will help release the tension… and will help you with what happens next.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)