DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is about forming lasting relationships rather than any initial problems meeting girls.

I was seeing this girl recently and initially things went really well – I felt there was a lot of chemistry and compatibility and we got physical very quickly. We had sex a couple of times and it seemed great at the time, and we both said that we had serious feelings for each other (though I said it first). We met up a few more times and she kept giving reasons why that night she didn’t want to get physically intimate. My friends told me not to worry but I felt something was amiss.

Finally, she came over to watch a movie and told me that, while she really liked me as a person and as a friend, she was finding it hard to be interested in me sexually.

This also happened to a girl I was dating for about three months last year – after a really happy initial period when we were always together and having lots of sex, she said she started to just view me as a friend. How can I keep women interested in me romantically past the initial hooking up phase?

Petite Morte

DEAR PETITE MORTE: One of the first things I tell people who have recurring issues in their relationships is that they need to start looking for commonalities. The more you can pin down what all of those relationships had in common, the easier it is to dial in on where things are going wrong.

The tricky thing is that sometimes the only thing all those relationships may have in common is, well, you. Now this can sound a lot like “oh, I’m an awful person and should clearly never be allowed to date”, but more often than not, what’s going on is that you have a recurring pattern of behaviors that end up causing issues for you.

The key is to not mistake the symptoms for the source. In this case, it can SEEM like sex is the cause; after all, it’s only after the relationships turn sexual that women start deciding that no, they’re not that into you in the first place. It’s a pretty easy place to lay blame; sex can be a significant step in relationships and thus provides a fairly handy before/after moment. It’s also almost comedically easy to say something like “have you considered that maybe you’re just a bad lay” — especially if someone is actively avoiding physical intimacy with you. But while that makes for a pithy joke, it’s not necessarily helpful… or even accurate. While it’s possible that you and they aren’t connecting physically and that they’re just not enjoying sex with you, that’s not the ONLY possibility. It could well be that sex isn’t the actual issue, so much as the behavior or attitudes surrounding it, and how they intersect with the people you’re dating.

An example of this could arise if you have a tendency to date the same “type” of woman — that is, women who have particular cultural or social values or beliefs in common. If you’re dating people who normally aren’t quick to sleep with someone or who feel more comfortable getting sexual in a committed relationship, for example, the rate that the relationship progressed could make them feel uncomfortable or cause them to reconsider whether they’re actually compatible with you. Another issue could well be that the KIND of sex that you want or need isn’t the kind of sex THEY need. If your interests, desires, libidos and desired frequency don’t mesh well (or well enough), your partners could well decide that they’d much rather find someone they do mesh with.

But here’s one thing that leaped out at me: “We had sex a couple of times and it seemed great at the time, and we both said that we had serious feelings for each other (though I said it first).” This strikes me as being key, especially since both of the relationships you mention end before you even get out of the honeymoon period. The first relationship, especially, sounds like you were barely together for a couple of weeks before you started copping to having caught feels. That, I suspect, is the problem. It sounds to me like you fell victim to one of the classic dating blunders — the most famous of which is never date someone who lists American Psycho as their favorite movie — but only slimly less well known is this: never mistake the giddiness of a new relationship for love.

I think you got caught up in the excitement and the thrills and the new relationship energy (for suitably early definitions of “relationship”) and you lost your head. You got twitterpated, you rounded up infatuation to “love” or something close to it and… well, I suspect that this may have freaked out your partner. She may have said “me too” in the moment but in the cold light of the morning after, I suspect there was a “oooooh crap” moment or two for her.

At that point, it’s not surprising that she might start to dial things back; if the sex wasn’t great for her and it seemed like you were getting way more into her than she was into you… well, I’m not surprised she was stomping the brakes before finally cutting things off entirely.

But even if the sex was good — and it seems like it was at least good enough in your second relationship — it could well be that you were moving further and faster than she may have been comfortable with. Even in the early honeymoon stages, it’s easy to have too much togetherness and schmoopy-ness. That’s a good way to burn out a burgeoning relationship before it can even start… leading to a “let’s just be friends” denouement.

I suspect the problem is less the sex and more the speed, the enthusiasm and the leaping to “we have serious feelings”; it’s just that they all happen so close together that it seems like the sex is the trigger, rather than a side-effect. I think you would do well to start slowing your roll with the women you date. You can feel all the excitement and awesomeness you want… but don’t let that excitement convince you that what you’re feeling is more than just infatuation and the thrill of the new. Give new relationships time to breathe and develop before you start making grand declarations as to what they are. I suspect that once you start to tap the brakes and just give things time to cook on their own, you’ll have far fewer moments of relationships falling apart, even as they seem to just be revving up.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It seems I have run into a problem. I’m a late comer to the dating scene. I started out having my female friends set me up with some of their friends. To me, I feel like we really hit it off. But when my “girlfriends” fill me in, it always seems to come down to the same thing.

Apparently, I come off as one of those guys who think going old school is a good way to get into a girl’s pants.

Let me explain. Despite the fact that I just recently turned 21, on paper I sound like an old man. I’m the kind of guy who listens and enjoys Frank Sinatra along with the rest of the Rat Pack. I wear collared shirts and I never leave the house without my trademarked fedora. My movie collection includes classics like Singing in the Rain and The Godfather. I’m also the guy who nurses a glass of scotch while my friends are downing shots and pints. I also think a good way for a guy’s night is sitting around a table with drinks and playing poker. When on a date, I’m polite as I can be. I push the lady’s chair in and out, and pay for everything.

In short, I put the “old” in Old Spice.

So what do I do? While I’m willing to admit that when I think suave men,  I get pictures of Sinatra, Gene Kelly, Sammy Davis Jr., etc. I’m not using it as hook. It just happens to be me. I mean its not like I’m a person who does all this ironically…

What can you prescribe Doc?

An “Older” Man

DEAR AN “OLDER” MAN: Yes, there’s nothing worse than a guy who holds doors and pulls out chairs for his lady friend… how dare you sir? Have you no shame?

OK, time to be serious.

First of all: there’s nothing wrong with liking Scotch (presuming – and you’ll have to allow for my whiskey snobbery here – you’re drinking the good stuff. And not mixing it with Coke or something horrible) or preferring Texas Hold’Em to beer-pong and Quarters.

The problem you’re having is that you’re 21 and presumably so are most of your friends. So are all of the women you’re looking to date. Most people in their early 20s don’t tend towards the terribly sophisticated; most of them are still enjoying the thrill of being out of control and experimenting with the outer bounds of excess before wisdom (and consequences) convinces them to calm the hell down and grow the hell up. You may be a bit of an old soul but the majority of your peers aren’t.

We also live in an age where our interests, activities and participation in sub-cultures become increasingly stratified and exclusionary. There’re so many people who define themselves by what they consume or identify solely with the activities they pursue that they treat anyone who DOESN’T consume or do the same activities as an outsider and to be viewed with suspicion. This is how you end up with folks who honestly thought GamerGate was about “ethics in games journalism” and treated the presence of women who like video games as a bizarre conspiracy against them.

(It’s also how you end up with modern day online cults like QAnon going from people buying into conspiracy theory pranks on 4chan to earning a place on the FBI’s watch list. But I digress).

We’ve increasingly found new tribes, some more exclusive or exclusionary than others. Part of how we signal our affiliation with these groups is through how we dress and act; we’re literally wearing our identity on our shirtsleeves. We use these outward signifiers to tell people who we are and — in the process — find other members of our “tribe”.

But by that same token, these tribal markers, whether it’s a Wolverine tee, a “My Other Car is a Tardis” bumper sticker, a Deathly Hallows tattoo or dressing like you stepped off the set of In Like Flynn, ALSO comes with stereotypes about who YOU are as a person.

Here’s the thing: the way you dress and your interests are going to make you stand out against the crowd. This is both a good and bad thing – it’s good because you’re cultivating a rich inner life and interesting hobbies. You also clearly have a grasp on your archetype and a sense of style; these will serve you well over time. It’s bad because most of the people your age just aren’t going to get it. Dressing like a combination of Mad Men and The Rat Pack is going to come off to others like an affectation — and to be fair, it is. But that’s going to affect how people see you and what they think of you. They’re going to think that you’re either just being odd for the sake of being odd or that you’re being ironic somehow. They may also feel as though that you’re making fun of them or looking down on them as being somehow less or inferior for liking to do shots or listen to… whatever the hell kids are listening to today. College is often a time when people start indulging in cultural snobbery and using their interest as “proof” that they’re somehow superior to the rabble around them.

Hopefully you aren’t doing that. Nobody appreciates feeling as though they’re being condescended to.

It also doesn’t help that the fedora was adopted by douchebags as part of their clan uniform, which leads to guilt by association. The old-fashioned look tends to get picked up on my people who’ve got old-fashioned attitudes, which is why the fedora tends to come with “m’lady” references.

So what to do? Well, you basically have two choices. If you’re happy with who you are  – and you certainly sound like you are – then I hate to say that you’re going to be spending a fair amount of time single as you look for people who can appreciate your uniqueness and can appreciate what you have to offer. Your peers will eventually catch up to you in maturity, but it could take a few years. If this is going to frustrate you, then you might want to consider toning down the Rat Pack angle a little – or at least accent it some with more modern trappings. There are a lot of ways you can have a retro or vintage look without looking like you raided your grandfather’s closet.

You can ALSO look for folks who might be more in line with your particular archetype and interests. The Rockabilly crowd may be more tattoos, tees and cars, but there’s a lot of crossover with the sort of 60s suave fair that you’re going for.

And just as an aside: kudos for you for being polite, but there will be plenty of women who regard old-school manners with a certain wary eye.

Remember what I said about the whole “m’lady” thing? Holding doors and pulling out chairs has it’s old-school charm, but it also hales from a time when women were thought of as the weaker, inferior sex – and women are going to be wondering if you’re holding on to those same attitudes to go with your Chairman of the Board suits and record collections. Not to say that some old-fashioned politeness is bad, mind you, but it can raise some women’s suspicions. You may have the style and swagger of the 60s, but you’ll have to reassure ’em that you’ve got a 21st century view of the world.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been married for 22 years and for the most part, my wife and I have a good relationship. My wife “E” was at the tail end of her relationship with her Ex-boyfriend “D” when we met and we have been together ever since.

My wife is pretty open and if I ask her a question she will answer truthfully, no sugar coating. So like many dumb dudes probably do, I asked E if I had a bigger one than D to which she replied “No, D was huge. There were certain positions that we couldn’t do”. Of course I was a little jealous and envious upon hearing that he was well endowed, but I didn’t really make much of it.

Fast forward 20 years D and E were able to reconnect through the use of social media. Although most of the time their chats are friendly, there are times when he crosses the line by flirting with my wife. He has even went so far as to send pics of his oversized junk to my wife and tell her I can’t please her like he can. E is open with me and shows me the messages saying D is just being immature and I have nothing to worry about.

The problem is, if I tell her to unfriend D it will look like I’m jealous and do not trust her. I’m not sure how to approach her to cut off contact without seeming really insecure.

Junk Mail

DEAR JUNK MAIL: So… I have questions.

But  before I get to those, let’s dispel a particular myth here: the importance of penis size, from both the angle of sexual pleasure and basic masculinity. Like many, many other attributes, the “right” size for men’s junk is all about fashion.

Yes, I know. Stick with me for a second here. If you were to look at Roman statues, you might notice that even heroes like Hercules are a little… underendowed. This is because according to the Romans, having a huge wang was actually a negative; it meant that you were an uncivilized barbarian, rather than a fine, upstanding Roman citizen. The ideal size, according to them, was a little on the smaller side. It was considered to be an indicator of culture, breeding, intelligence and, yes, manliness.

As with other physical aspects – such as breast size or body fat in women or body hair on men – the idea of what size is best would vary over time. Some cultures thought bigger was better, some thought smaller was better, some couldn’t give less of a damn and were far more concerned your neck or your thighs or calves.

But then there’s the sexual side of things. And while yes, there are size queens out there, the truth is that penis size really doesn’t matter that much when it comes to sexual pleasure. To start with, the majority of the nerve endings in the vagina are towards the front; going past those, the amount of sensation possible decreases. Then there’s the fact that the vast majority of women don’t climax from vaginal penetration alone; they need direct, intense clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm… something that even a coke-can sized dick ain’t gonna do. And to be perfectly, er, frank, penis sizes past a certain point become a detriment. Women’s vaginal canals, after all, come in varying lengths and widths too… and that means that there are plenty of women for whom a large dick isn’t going to fit. And not in a fun “oh so full” way but in the “oh god I think something’s about to tear get it out get it out” sort of way.

(And then there’s the joy of hitting the cervix, something that many women will tell you is OH HOLY S

T painful.)

Your wife even said so: there were a whole lotta positions – presumably ones she enjoys with you – that were off the table.

And lots of guys who have seriously above-average wangs are lousy lovers. They assume that their big penis is all they need and pay next to no attention to things like foreplay, oral sex, clitoral stimulation or anything other than acting like a fleshy jackhammer.

So whether D’s got the D or not doesn’t  make him a better, more desirable or otherwise manlier man than you. It just means he’s got a different bod, that’s all. Meanwhile, he’s been out of the picture for twenty two years. I think we can safely say that after two decades and change, your wife prefers being with you instead of D.

Now let’s get to my question… and in the process answer yours. See, what I want to know is why your wife isn’t telling D to knock it the f

k off. I mean, it’s great that she’s not hiding anything and reassuring you that D is being an immature jackass; that’s all good. But he’s acting like an a

hole, not just to you but to your wife. The disrespect he’s showing to her, her relationship and yes, to you, is frankly, insulting.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure why you feel like you can’t tell your wife that her ex constantly sending her dick pics and telling her to leave you is unacceptable, especially after you’ve been together for as long as you two have. There’s a world of difference between getting weird about someone being friends with her ex when you two have just started dating and this shit right here. That’s not being insecure, that’s calling out shitty and disrespectful behavior. I think you’re well within your rights to tell her that D’s actions bother you and make you uncomfortable. Not because they make you insecure – again, TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER – but because it’s rude and it’s insulting and D is making it clear that he doesn’t respect her or her choices. Said choice, of course, being you. And again: TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER. It would be good to ask why she isn’t bothered by this or, for that matter, why she hasn’t shut him down already.

So sit down with your wife and use your words, JM. It’s not insecurity to call out an a

hole for being an a

hole, it’s just taking out the trash.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I heard you liked follow-up e-mails, so I thought I’d send an update. I’m The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com from a letter you answered a while back –  “What Do I Do About Someone Else’s Crush on Me?”

It’s been a hell of a time. A couple of weeks after you published my letter, I was unexpectedly let go from my toxic job. The job I have now is a Goofus-and-Gallant study in HR contrasts to that place; I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in a workplace, and I am absolutely privileged to work my butt off for people who appreciate me and my co-workers. In the midst of this and out of the blue, I received an invitation to a “gated community” of female and enbee fans within the fandom I had been contemplating leaving. It is an unparalleled joy for me not to have to constantly police myself and my expression. I started getting active in the loosely-defined-as-a-church across the street, and have found a snugglebuddy (that is, a buddy with whom I snuggle, and just snuggle. It’s surreal and miraculous and sublime and I don’t think either of us would change a thing except when the sea of dogs and cats who osmote between our households gets extra farty). (And not that is has much bearing on the situation, but for the curious, the ex to whom I left an entire state and friend circle is busily revealing himself to be a manipulative tin of spoilt crabmeat. You may not be surprised, but I was shocked.)

It’s hard to express how the advice and support of you and the wonderful commenters in this community helped me; it was almost like a quantum shift in my state. I stopped taking responsibility for the feelings of anyone but myself and started treating myself like I was a person worthy of my own space, important in my own right, and presto, that space started appearing and my feelings started to be important to others, as well.

TL;DR: I am very happy, and cannot thank you and yours enough for listening and validating and telling some me some very hard truths (trust me: “Your dear friend whom you love is being a jerk, more or less on purpose,” is a really, really hard truth).

I am ridiculously, deliriously happy. Thank you again.

Rom-Com Villain No More

DEAR ROM-COM VILLAIN NO MORE: Glad to hear it RCVNM! And thanks for letting us know how you’re doing!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)