DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been married for 22 years and for the most part, my wife and I have a good relationship. My wife “E” was at the tail end of her relationship with her Ex-boyfriend “D” when we met and we have been together ever since.
My wife is pretty open and if I ask her a question she will answer truthfully, no sugar coating. So like many dumb dudes probably do, I asked E if I had a bigger one than D to which she replied “No, D was huge. There were certain positions that we couldn’t do”. Of course I was a little jealous and envious upon hearing that he was well endowed, but I didn’t really make much of it.
Fast forward 20 years D and E were able to reconnect through the use of social media. Although most of the time their chats are friendly, there are times when he crosses the line by flirting with my wife. He has even went so far as to send pics of his oversized junk to my wife and tell her I can’t please her like he can. E is open with me and shows me the messages saying D is just being immature and I have nothing to worry about.
The problem is, if I tell her to unfriend D it will look like I’m jealous and do not trust her. I’m not sure how to approach her to cut off contact without seeming really insecure.
DEAR JUNK MAIL: So… I have questions.
But before I get to those, let’s dispel a particular myth here: the importance of penis size, from both the angle of sexual pleasure and basic masculinity. Like many, many other attributes, the “right” size for men’s junk is all about fashion.
Yes, I know. Stick with me for a second here. If you were to look at Roman statues, you might notice that even heroes like Hercules are a little… underendowed. This is because according to the Romans, having a huge wang was actually a negative; it meant that you were an uncivilized barbarian, rather than a fine, upstanding Roman citizen. The ideal size, according to them, was a little on the smaller side. It was considered to be an indicator of culture, breeding, intelligence and, yes, manliness.
As with other physical aspects – such as breast size or body fat in women or body hair on men – the idea of what size is best would vary over time. Some cultures thought bigger was better, some thought smaller was better, some couldn’t give less of a damn and were far more concerned your neck or your thighs or calves.
But then there’s the sexual side of things. And while yes, there are size queens out there, the truth is that penis size really doesn’t matter that much when it comes to sexual pleasure. To start with, the majority of the nerve endings in the vagina are towards the front; going past those, the amount of sensation possible decreases. Then there’s the fact that the vast majority of women don’t climax from vaginal penetration alone; they need direct, intense clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm… something that even a coke-can sized dick ain’t gonna do. And to be perfectly, er, frank, penis sizes past a certain point become a detriment. Women’s vaginal canals, after all, come in varying lengths and widths too… and that means that there are plenty of women for whom a large dick isn’t going to fit. And not in a fun “oh so full” way but in the “oh god I think something’s about to tear get it out get it out” sort of way.
(And then there’s the joy of hitting the cervix, something that many women will tell you is OH HOLY S
Your wife even said so: there were a whole lotta positions – presumably ones she enjoys with you – that were off the table.
And lots of guys who have seriously above-average wangs are lousy lovers. They assume that their big penis is all they need and pay next to no attention to things like foreplay, oral sex, clitoral stimulation or anything other than acting like a fleshy jackhammer.
So whether D’s got the D or not doesn’t make him a better, more desirable or otherwise manlier man than you. It just means he’s got a different bod, that’s all. Meanwhile, he’s been out of the picture for twenty two years. I think we can safely say that after two decades and change, your wife prefers being with you instead of D.
Now let’s get to my question… and in the process answer yours. See, what I want to know is why your wife isn’t telling D to knock it the f
k off. I mean, it’s great that she’s not hiding anything and reassuring you that D is being an immature jackass; that’s all good. But he’s acting like an a
hole, not just to you but to your wife. The disrespect he’s showing to her, her relationship and yes, to you, is frankly, insulting.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure why you feel like you can’t tell your wife that her ex constantly sending her dick pics and telling her to leave you is unacceptable, especially after you’ve been together for as long as you two have. There’s a world of difference between getting weird about someone being friends with her ex when you two have just started dating and this shit right here. That’s not being insecure, that’s calling out shitty and disrespectful behavior. I think you’re well within your rights to tell her that D’s actions bother you and make you uncomfortable. Not because they make you insecure – again, TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER – but because it’s rude and it’s insulting and D is making it clear that he doesn’t respect her or her choices. Said choice, of course, being you. And again: TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER. It would be good to ask why she isn’t bothered by this or, for that matter, why she hasn’t shut him down already.
So sit down with your wife and use your words, JM. It’s not insecurity to call out an a
hole for being an a
hole, it’s just taking out the trash.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I heard you liked follow-up e-mails, so I thought I’d send an update. I’m The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com from a letter you answered a while back – “What Do I Do About Someone Else’s Crush on Me?”
It’s been a hell of a time. A couple of weeks after you published my letter, I was unexpectedly let go from my toxic job. The job I have now is a Goofus-and-Gallant study in HR contrasts to that place; I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in a workplace, and I am absolutely privileged to work my butt off for people who appreciate me and my co-workers. In the midst of this and out of the blue, I received an invitation to a “gated community” of female and enbee fans within the fandom I had been contemplating leaving. It is an unparalleled joy for me not to have to constantly police myself and my expression. I started getting active in the loosely-defined-as-a-church across the street, and have found a snugglebuddy (that is, a buddy with whom I snuggle, and just snuggle. It’s surreal and miraculous and sublime and I don’t think either of us would change a thing except when the sea of dogs and cats who osmote between our households gets extra farty). (And not that is has much bearing on the situation, but for the curious, the ex to whom I left an entire state and friend circle is busily revealing himself to be a manipulative tin of spoilt crabmeat. You may not be surprised, but I was shocked.)
It’s hard to express how the advice and support of you and the wonderful commenters in this community helped me; it was almost like a quantum shift in my state. I stopped taking responsibility for the feelings of anyone but myself and started treating myself like I was a person worthy of my own space, important in my own right, and presto, that space started appearing and my feelings started to be important to others, as well.
TL;DR: I am very happy, and cannot thank you and yours enough for listening and validating and telling some me some very hard truths (trust me: “Your dear friend whom you love is being a jerk, more or less on purpose,” is a really, really hard truth).
I am ridiculously, deliriously happy. Thank you again.
Rom-Com Villain No More
DEAR ROM-COM VILLAIN NO MORE: Glad to hear it RCVNM! And thanks for letting us know how you’re doing!
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, email@example.com)