DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been married for 22 years and for the most part, my wife and I have a good relationship. My wife “E” was at the tail end of her relationship with her Ex-boyfriend “D” when we met and we have been together ever since.

My wife is pretty open and if I ask her a question she will answer truthfully, no sugar coating. So like many dumb dudes probably do, I asked E if I had a bigger one than D to which she replied “No, D was huge. There were certain positions that we couldn’t do”. Of course I was a little jealous and envious upon hearing that he was well endowed, but I didn’t really make much of it.

Fast forward 20 years D and E were able to reconnect through the use of social media. Although most of the time their chats are friendly, there are times when he crosses the line by flirting with my wife. He has even went so far as to send pics of his oversized junk to my wife and tell her I can’t please her like he can. E is open with me and shows me the messages saying D is just being immature and I have nothing to worry about.

The problem is, if I tell her to unfriend D it will look like I’m jealous and do not trust her. I’m not sure how to approach her to cut off contact without seeming really insecure.

Junk Mail

DEAR JUNK MAIL: So… I have questions.

But  before I get to those, let’s dispel a particular myth here: the importance of penis size, from both the angle of sexual pleasure and basic masculinity. Like many, many other attributes, the “right” size for men’s junk is all about fashion.

Yes, I know. Stick with me for a second here. If you were to look at Roman statues, you might notice that even heroes like Hercules are a little… underendowed. This is because according to the Romans, having a huge wang was actually a negative; it meant that you were an uncivilized barbarian, rather than a fine, upstanding Roman citizen. The ideal size, according to them, was a little on the smaller side. It was considered to be an indicator of culture, breeding, intelligence and, yes, manliness.

As with other physical aspects – such as breast size or body fat in women or body hair on men – the idea of what size is best would vary over time. Some cultures thought bigger was better, some thought smaller was better, some couldn’t give less of a damn and were far more concerned your neck or your thighs or calves.

But then there’s the sexual side of things. And while yes, there are size queens out there, the truth is that penis size really doesn’t matter that much when it comes to sexual pleasure. To start with, the majority of the nerve endings in the vagina are towards the front; going past those, the amount of sensation possible decreases. Then there’s the fact that the vast majority of women don’t climax from vaginal penetration alone; they need direct, intense clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm… something that even a coke-can sized dick ain’t gonna do. And to be perfectly, er, frank, penis sizes past a certain point become a detriment. Women’s vaginal canals, after all, come in varying lengths and widths too… and that means that there are plenty of women for whom a large dick isn’t going to fit. And not in a fun “oh so full” way but in the “oh god I think something’s about to tear get it out get it out” sort of way.

(And then there’s the joy of hitting the cervix, something that many women will tell you is OH HOLY S

T painful.)

Your wife even said so: there were a whole lotta positions – presumably ones she enjoys with you – that were off the table.

And lots of guys who have seriously above-average wangs are lousy lovers. They assume that their big penis is all they need and pay next to no attention to things like foreplay, oral sex, clitoral stimulation or anything other than acting like a fleshy jackhammer.

So whether D’s got the D or not doesn’t  make him a better, more desirable or otherwise manlier man than you. It just means he’s got a different bod, that’s all. Meanwhile, he’s been out of the picture for twenty two years. I think we can safely say that after two decades and change, your wife prefers being with you instead of D.

Now let’s get to my question… and in the process answer yours. See, what I want to know is why your wife isn’t telling D to knock it the f

k off. I mean, it’s great that she’s not hiding anything and reassuring you that D is being an immature jackass; that’s all good. But he’s acting like an a

hole, not just to you but to your wife. The disrespect he’s showing to her, her relationship and yes, to you, is frankly, insulting.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure why you feel like you can’t tell your wife that her ex constantly sending her dick pics and telling her to leave you is unacceptable, especially after you’ve been together for as long as you two have. There’s a world of difference between getting weird about someone being friends with her ex when you two have just started dating and this shit right here. That’s not being insecure, that’s calling out shitty and disrespectful behavior. I think you’re well within your rights to tell her that D’s actions bother you and make you uncomfortable. Not because they make you insecure – again, TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER – but because it’s rude and it’s insulting and D is making it clear that he doesn’t respect her or her choices. Said choice, of course, being you. And again: TWENTY TWO YEARS TOGETHER. It would be good to ask why she isn’t bothered by this or, for that matter, why she hasn’t shut him down already.

So sit down with your wife and use your words, JM. It’s not insecurity to call out an a

hole for being an a

hole, it’s just taking out the trash.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I heard you liked follow-up e-mails, so I thought I’d send an update. I’m The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com from a letter you answered a while back –  “What Do I Do About Someone Else’s Crush on Me?”

It’s been a hell of a time. A couple of weeks after you published my letter, I was unexpectedly let go from my toxic job. The job I have now is a Goofus-and-Gallant study in HR contrasts to that place; I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in a workplace, and I am absolutely privileged to work my butt off for people who appreciate me and my co-workers. In the midst of this and out of the blue, I received an invitation to a “gated community” of female and enbee fans within the fandom I had been contemplating leaving. It is an unparalleled joy for me not to have to constantly police myself and my expression. I started getting active in the loosely-defined-as-a-church across the street, and have found a snugglebuddy (that is, a buddy with whom I snuggle, and just snuggle. It’s surreal and miraculous and sublime and I don’t think either of us would change a thing except when the sea of dogs and cats who osmote between our households gets extra farty). (And not that is has much bearing on the situation, but for the curious, the ex to whom I left an entire state and friend circle is busily revealing himself to be a manipulative tin of spoilt crabmeat. You may not be surprised, but I was shocked.)

It’s hard to express how the advice and support of you and the wonderful commenters in this community helped me; it was almost like a quantum shift in my state. I stopped taking responsibility for the feelings of anyone but myself and started treating myself like I was a person worthy of my own space, important in my own right, and presto, that space started appearing and my feelings started to be important to others, as well.

TL;DR: I am very happy, and cannot thank you and yours enough for listening and validating and telling some me some very hard truths (trust me: “Your dear friend whom you love is being a jerk, more or less on purpose,” is a really, really hard truth).

I am ridiculously, deliriously happy. Thank you again.

Rom-Com Villain No More

DEAR ROM-COM VILLAIN NO MORE: Glad to hear it RCVNM! And thanks for letting us know how you’re doing!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a uni dropout, working a minimum wage job and at his early 20s is still living with his parents. So I’m not exactly the full package, barely any friends, not respected at all and why should I be, I’m a modern day peasant or serf.

Now I absolutely believe that I could get a slacker woman with no plans for the future (my dreams of being a writer are fanciful and will likely never happen) but I don’t want that, existing and barely subsisting while getting s

t on by the general public for a living.

What I hope for one day is a woman with dreams and ambitions that she has achieved and is in the process of achieving, not a useless being who’ll likely stay in her hometown her whole life (like I have, regrettably).

Where the hell do I find women who actually take interests in things and are actually good at something, because they sure aren’t in minimum wage. Incidentally, I am good at very little so there is likely going to be a prerequisite to being able to get into a relationship, hobbies, happiness , self confidence, that type of thing.

Hell, maybe I should travel the world…or at least more of my home country. I’ve been branching out more into things like organic coffee shops and independent burger bars and things like that, but I feel way too out of place there, like I’m some poser commoner who should slop his unworthy ass back to McDonald’s.

I mean s

t, minimum wage workers very rarely find love and if they do, it’d be with other minimum wage workers (I assume). I also feel a lot of shame when talking about my job, it reminds me of everything I’ve failed at, failing out of uni after so much work and taking a low-end position to make ends meet.

I guess I just don’t have much of a life right now and I’ll have to work harder at getting one, joining clubs, getting into a team sport, going to concerts, just like everyone else.

I’m quite far behind Doc, I need to catch up on building a better life, although some practice dating and asking people out in person would be ideal as online dating is not proving fruitful. I don’t quite believe that people actually ask each other out in person anymore but perhaps I can be proven wrong.

Thank you

Retail Drone

DEAR RETAIL DRONE: OK, RD, we need to untangle a few things.

First of all, you’re doing something a lot of folks do: assuming facts not in evidence. Starting with “minimum wage workers rarely find love”. I hate to break it to you chief, but if being lower-middle class were a prerequisite for love and marriage, the world’s population would’ve died out long before now. This is just you projecting your current feelings without a shred of evidence or experience to back it up. A quick wander around your local burger joint, Wal-Mart or most other retail jobs will net you a whole lotta folks with wedding rings on… and they ain’t wearing them to keep the ravening hordes of singles away.

Next, there’s the question of just where you spend your time, and with whom. You may have heard the term “assortative mating” before, especially if you’ve spent any amount of time in various dodgy dating advice forums or sub-reddits. Most folks will refer to this as proof that people only date within their social class or within their so-called “looksmatch” – people who theoretically are equally as attractive as them. In reality, it’s more that we tend to date or marry the people who are similar to us in our values in lifestyle, in our social circles and in proximity to one another. Part of the reason why, for example, Hollywood actors tend to only date other folks in the film industry is because of those qualities – those are the people they spend the most time around and who have lifestyles that are compatible enough to make things work. It can be hard to make a relationship work when, for example, your girlfriend or boyfriend has to be away on location for weeks or months at a time. Folks in the industry tend to be used to that and are better prepared to handle the unique difficulties that come from that lifestyle.

It’s also why ER nurses frequently date and marry cops or firefighters. Or why folks in the service industry or retail date one another as well.

If you’re not spending your time where the people you want to date spend their time, you’re gonna have a much harder time meeting them, nevermind dating them.

And that, of course, is assuming that your lifestyles and interests are compatible. After all, the stuffy, conservative banker may be attracted to the more freewheeling party girl, but the conflicts in personality, interests and lifestyle are going to get in the way.

But then there’s the fact that you’re not asking yourself a very important question: why would these women with dreams and ambitions and (presumably) a career want to date you?  Now don’t take this the wrong way. This isn’t an idle question, nor is it “how dare you have dreams above your station, peasant,” it’s about what you bring to the table.

If you want someone to be interested in you, you need to bring something to the table. That may mean your ability to make them laugh. It may mean that you sing or dance or paint and they will fall in love with your talent. It may mean that you have passion and ambition yourself and they get swept away by your energy and drive. You may be charismatic and make them feel like the only woman in the world or you may be the solid and sturdy rock that they know they can rely on in times of trouble. But you need something.

You also need to be in decent emotional working order. Right now, you’re describing yourself in profoundly negative terms – poser, peasant, failure. That, more than anything else, is going to be your stumbling block in dating anyone. When you’re running yourself down like that, you’re cutting yourself off from… well, everything. Not just from other people – most folks aren’t going to be into somebody who presents themselves as “It’s ok that you’re not into me. I’m wouldn’t be into me either,” – but from your own potential. You’re defining yourself by your failures and by what you perceive as your limitations. And at the moment… that means you’re 100% correct. If you believe that you suck, that you can’t achieve any more and that you don’t deserve to do better, then you’re going to end up proving yourself right. Not because of any woo-woo-sending-vibes-out-into-the-universe crap but because you’ve already given up. You won’t be giving your all because why should you? You’re already a failure. You won’t be able to bounce back from setbacks because you’ve already decided that they’re permanent and unchanging.

If you want to start dating a better quality of person, then you need to start with yourself. Not trying to become somebody else’s idea of what a “high-value” woman wants, but the best version of you that you can be. That means that you need to stop treating yourself as destined for failure and squalor and start living like you give a damn. You failed out of university. Ok… so try again. You may be able to at least audit classes one at a time, even if you can’t be a full-time student. You live at home. OK, so start saving your money, find friends who you can live with and begin seeing about trying to find an apartment where you can split the rent. Build your social circle, build your own sense of self-worth and start finding and developing your own value.

The less you run yourself down, the more you’ll realize you’re capable of. Investing in yourself and digging your way out of your self-imposed pit – even if it takes months or years – will pay off in far greater dividends than just “dating someone better than a slacker.” You’ll start living a life where you’re happy and confident… and that’s a life more people will be interested in being part of.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My best friend (let’s call her Alpha) and I became friends because we “dated” as kids. Over our preteen and high school years there were a number of times that we starting “dating” on and off many times, and even went on a couple of acutal dates during university.

Despite all of this we were never seriously dating or even got physical in any way, and somehow through it all we ended up becoming extremely good friends. Since that time, I have had a couple of more serious relationships, but generally have found myself extremely unsuccessful in dating, despite a serious relationship being something I’ve always wanted.

This next little bit might seem tangential to the question, but I think its important background for my situation.

I spent a lot of time working on myself, realizing that I was doing something wrong. I started making sure I was taking better care of my body, dressing better, and so on. Most importantly, I’ve been working on being as kind as possible as much as possible (none of us are perfect), and generally being a more supportive person to everyone in my life, whether I was interested in dating them or not. The positive from this is that I made a lot of friends, probably a lot more than most people my age have. But despite being set up with friends-of-friends, talking to a couple of women at bars and having an occasional touch of luck in online dating, I didn’t have any real success with the changes either. With my continued loneliness and a new feeling of hopelessness with respect to self-improvement, I started to feel extremely worthless and at times even suicidal. I recognized this was extremely unhealthy, so I started seeing a psychologist. I continue to fight those feelings today, but I feel they’re important to point out since Alpha was, and is, fully aware of them and their extent.

During the therapy sessions I came to the realization that I had had extremely strong feelings for Alpha for many years. When I confessed these feelings to her, she was very understanding and kind, but she let me know that she did not share those feelings with me. Since then I’ve found myself really struggling to handle our friendship, and knowing everything about her, including her new romantic prospects, and feeling so close to her yet somehow so far. We’ve talked about taking a break from our friendship, but I don’t think either of us handled the possibility very well, and I’m worried if I bring it up again it will end our friendship permanently.

But its been months now and I cannot stop thinking about her, I struggle to be a good friend for her, and I think that despite both of our efforts, I’m becoming a toxic friend towards her, not responding well when she talks about her love life, getting disproportionately offended by friendly teasing and just in general not being there for her in the way that I used to be. I’m also afraid that she won’t say what she needs to say to me, because she knows about my less-than-ideal mental state.

I guess I’m just wondering what to do. We’ve talked about it a lot and she’s extremely understanding, but I don’t honestly know if I can continue our friendship, as its hurting me and I worry that by extension I’m hurting her. What can I do in this situation? I don’t know if I can go on losing my best friend, and I know that she also would be devastated if that happened. I need something to change, but I don’t know what it is. Time isn’t helping, and I feel like as long as we keep sharing absolutely everything about our lives with each other, more time won’t help either.

Any ideas you might have would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Friends Falling Further

DEAR FRIENDS FALLING FURTHER: There’s a good reason why you’re not getting better, FFF: you’re not letting yourself get some distance so your feelings can adjust to the new circumstances on the ground. You’re trying to pretend that nothing has changed and that ain’t working. The context of your relationship with Alpha is entirely different now, which means that your friendship is fundamentally different. It’s understandable that you two are trying to act like nothing has changed, but it has. Specifically, you have. And that means that your friendship has changed too.

The issue the two of you are having is that you’re both trying to pretend like the feelings you have don’t exist, and that just doesn’t work. You’re just constantly hurting yourself by not addressing things, which is leading to resentment and bitterness.

Now what I usually tell people who’re dealing with a broken heart is that they need to get distance. You can’t expect to get the perspective you need on a relationship if it’s always right there up in your grill. But you don’t want to do that; you’re trying to have the exact same relationship you had beforehand. And if you’re not willing to step away for a while — not forever, but for a little while, so that you can adjust and grow and heal — then you need to change your friendship so you’re not constantly being hurt.

So to start with, you’re going to have to set some boundaries, FFF. You’re going to have to tell Alpha that you don’t want to talk about her love life because right now you it hurts you to hear about it. You’re going to have to let her know that some kinds of teasing are just off the table for now. And that’s going to have to go both ways; you can’t just use her as your sounding board for your feels when you can’t bring yourself to listen to her about her relationships.

Now you may have noticed that this means that you and Alpha aren’t going to be as close as you have been. That’s by design; it’s an unfortunate, but necessary change in your relationship. The fact of the matter is that if you’re going to still insist on being this present in each other’s lives, then for the sake of your friendship you’re going to need to dial it back. As you’ve noticed: she’s not saying the things she needs to say, and you’re not being the friend she needs right now. So you’re going to have to accept the different level of friendship for now until you can get over your heartbreak.

But I’m not gonna lie: the longer you’re around her, the longer that’s going to take. Part of the reason why I tell people to take The Nuclear Option of muting, unfriending and unfollowing on all social media when it comes to healing after a heartbreak isn’t because “YOU WON’T LOVE ME AND SO YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”, it’s because you can’t heal when you’re constantly reopening the wound. If seeing her is always going to be a little knife to your heart and a kick to your soul’s nuts, then either you’re going to have to stop seeing her or start recognizing that keeping the wound open is how it gets infected.

And it’s already starting to get infected, chief.

The best choice you have if you want to save this friendship is to put it on pause for a while. You’ve been friends for literally all of your lives together. A friendship that strong can stand a little radio silence. But if you’re going to insist on still being present in each other’s lives, then you’re going to have to make some necessary adjustments to protect both yours heart and your friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)