DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing you on my 31st birthday, which I’ll be spending mostly alone. In 31 years on this good green earth, I have dated -maybe- three people in brief stints. For most of my life I’ve been a fat, shy, anxious nerd with weird interests and a lot of stress between my home, school, and work lives. As a result, there’s never been room for a love life.

I have a lot of issues with self esteem and confidence. It kinda hangs on you after a decade of being a failure at life, but in the last five or six I’ve managed to hold on to good jobs, finish my Bachelors, and start to resemble an adult.

This hasn’t changed much about my outlook on myself. I’m still fat. I’m balding. I’m an awkward weirdo. I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman my age who has been an absolute gem to me, and we’ve been keeping it going for about two years now.

The feeling I can’t shake, that keeps lingering like a fart cloud over every bit of progress in my life, is “You’re not worth it.” This feeling of being worthless to anyone in any romantic capacity. I’m unattractive. I’m awkward. I live at home. I have a low on totem pole job. I bring nothing to the table in a relationship besides a desire to see my partner happy.

What I guess I want to ask, is what can I do to work past this feeling? I hate hating myself and want to feel moderately normal in my own skin. What am I missing that will make me feel like someone worth being around?

Sincerely,

Bad Company in Boston

DEAR BAD COMPANY IN BOSTON: Y’know, BCIB, I get a lot of letters like yours, each with it’s unique-but-very-familiar tale of how you’re in your 20s-30s-40s and this sense that somehow you’ve crossed this ineffable boundary that means that you have somehow failed at dating, adulting or generally just being a man. So many of these letters hit the same note: overweight, a not-great job, living at home, losing their hair, few to no dates or relationships and not really bringing anything to the table. In fact, I get so many letters like this, each so very similar to one another, that I could practically write a form response and just plug in the relevant names and have it be an evergreen response.

But of all the similarities that you and these other folks have had in common, there’s one that’s the most important. One that, if you recognize and address it, you will put yourself on solving all the problems you’re having.

You are assuming that you’re stuck exactly as you are. That “you” as a concept are carved in stone and there’s nothing that you can do from now on.

And that, frankly, is bulls

t. The truth is that “you” are a fluid concept, capable of making changes so profound that people would never believe that your past self and your new self are the same person.

The trick is that you have to change your outlook on your life as a whole and who you are as a person. And you start that by changing how you refer to yourself.

Here’s something that poets and wizards have long known: words have power and we must use them carefully. When we label something or someone, we are attempting to sum them up so completely that this label utterly describes the four corners of its existence. So when you label yourself as “a loser” or “an awkward weirdo”, you are in effect cutting yourself off from your potential. You have declared the absolute limits of your existence with those simple words, and in doing so, blocked yourself from ever growing, changing or improving. You have, for all intents and purposes, locked yourself in a box and welded it shut.

But just as words can confine you, those same words can liberate you. And it starts very simply: you change how you refer to yourself. You aren’t “a failure at life”, you “feel like a failure at life”. You aren’t “an awkward weirdo”, you “feel like an awkward weirdo”. The difference here is small but profound. The former is definitional: these are the exact limits of who you are. The latter is emotional: these are feelings that are afflicting you, not reality as we know it. To quote Marcus Aurelius: “If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.” Or to put it another way: feels aren’t reals. You are making an incorrect assessment about your existence based on your feelings in the moment. And if you can accept that your feelings aren’t reality but based on incorrect observations and conclusions, you can change those feelings.

Let’s start with “I’m a failure at life”. Well, how, exactly? I mean, you’ve made it to 31 and you’ve got a solid job, you’ve gone and gotten a degree and a relationship. All of those are pretty strong indicators that you’re doing pretty well. I mean, right there you’re showing that you’re more than capable of living life on your own. That’s hardly a failure, that’s you making a judgement based on emotions — emotions that are based on comparing yourself to somebody else’s standards. Except those standards are based on somebody else’s life and somebody else’s circumstances, not yours. You can’t live your life based on what other people have done for the simple fact that you aren’t them and they aren’t you. You have had experiences, advantages, hardships and setbacks that they haven’t, just as they’ve had ones you haven’t. All you’re doing is making the assumption that they have some quality that you should also have and thus in comparison, you’re a loser.

And as a wise man once said: comparison is the thief of joy.

So many of the qualities you bring up are equally based on emotion rather than fact. You’re reacting, not to the facts on the ground, but how you feel about them. You’re balding? OK. And? If it bothers you that much then do something about it. You can either start looking into the minoxidil/finasteride combo to preserve what you’ve got and regrow what you’ve lost or you can say “f

k it”, shave your head and decide to be bald and beautiful. Similarly, the fact that you’re fat — and let’s be real, “fat” is such a moving target that this could be anywhere from 10 lbs overweight to 100 lbs — doesn’t mean that you’re an unf

kable homunculus. It just means that you’re overweight. As with your hair, you can do something about this. You can decide to adjust your lifestyle and try to lose weight, you can accept yourself as a Big Handsome Man or you can do a combination of the two.

You’re unattractive? Again: that’s an emotional judgement, not a fact. Attractiveness has far more to do with presentation and grooming than it does about your physical looks; you can completely transform yourself with a hair cut and a change of clothes.

You live at home? So? A full quarter of millennials still live with their parents, but that’s not a permanent state either. You can start saving money to find a place. You can find roommates to split the rent. Your current position isn’t terribly high at your company? You can work towards getting a promotion or actively search for a better job elsewhere.

You have weird interests. And? The amazing thing about the Internet is how much it’s brought people with “weird” interests together. If furries can get together for massive conventions and parties, then you can find other folks who share your interests — likely without having to go very far outside of your own town.

You don’t bring anything to the table? Then go out and start cultivating things. Learn an instrument. Take some dance classes. Try new hobbies and find social gatherings that’ll give you the chance to experience new things.

The fact of the matter is that you’re not missing anything. Your problem, more than anything else, is that you’re mistaking feelings for unchangeable facts. Change those feelings and you change your outlook. Start with how you describe yourself, so that you can free up all the boundless potential that you have. And from there, start to take concrete steps to changing your circumstances.

You don’t have to make giant strides. You don’t need to transform yourself overnight. Just recognizing that you can change and improve… even if those changes are learning to accept yourself for the amazing bad-ass you are, instead of trying to be somebody else’s version of “success.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let me start by saying I’m a lucky woman – I’ve found someone kind and considerate, who makes me laugh and is entertaining and charming and who comes in to snuggle me before I go to bed even if he’s not going to sleep himself. There’s just one big problem – he has no job.

Part of it is my doing; I encouraged him to quit his job in December without having something lined up, which goes against my usual advice. However, the people he worked for were terrible; I have a high bulls

t threshold and these people went way past it. He once went to them with a complaint of sexual harassment by a female client – which made him profoundly and understandably uncomfortable – and they LAUGHED at him and told him he should be flattered! F

k that noise, I said.

So he left and I thought he was entitled to a nice Christmas to get over the frankly abusive practices he’d been dealing with. I thought once we hit January he’d start looking and everything would be fine, but no go. Then February. Then March. That’s when I started getting nervous.

I’m pretty good at writing resumes so I helped him with his (by which I mean I wrote it entirely). I tried to be supportive; I wrote him lists of places to call and apply to, I helped him with cover letters and went over what he could say in interviews. But still, no progress. He has a history of low self-esteem issues that I understand, having suffered similar issues myself. He’s convinced that his lack of education will hold him back and that spirals into him being worthless and then he feels like he’s not good enough for me and then generally ends in massive fight that upsets both of us for days. He seems to only be able to hit the panic button on hard issues. It’s like:

Can’t get job = I’m stupid and terrible = I’m the worst human being ever = girlfriend must want to leave me = why bother with making any changes = depression

Instead of

Don’t have job > try to get job > maybe fail to get job for a little while > eventually get job > everything’s fine.

It feels like I’ve tried everything: being supportive, getting mad/depressed (not in a manipulative way, I was just legitimately those things by turns) but I don’t know what to do. I come home and he’s spent the day watching TV or playing video games or doing his favorite hobby, and those things make him happy, which I love, but I feel like I’m not really getting a fair deal.

I make enough money to cover the rent (barely) so any other expenses are being covered by money I inherited. When I told him about it months ago we discussed it being used for our wedding and a house and vacations, etc. but now we’re blowing through it at a rate I’m not comfortable with. He has big dreams and likes to talk about what we’d do if he won the lottery and how I wouldn’t have to work – but I actually like working. I don’t need him to be a millionaire, I just want him to be my partner. He’s my one and I’m in too deep to leave this situation but I’m looking down the barrel of a 50+ year partnership with me being the responsible one and I don’t think I like who that might turn me in to.

All I want is to know how to help him see that it’s not the end of the world – he just has to do some work!

Them Money Troubles

DEAR THEM MONEY TROUBLES: So if I were to keep things short and sweet, then I’d say this: your boyfriend needs to grow the f

k up.

Let’s be real here: dude’s coasting along. He’s content doing his own thing because hey, why not. Right now, nothing’s his fault or responsibility. He’s able to sit playing video games and watching TV all day and when he’s feeling particularly down, he can do the I SUCK I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD dance and have you fall back into support mode.

Now I’ll freely admit: this sounds pretty damn harsh. I actually have a lot of sympathy for him. I’ve dealt with self-esteem problems; I get what it’s like to feel like you’re stuck and that every option you have is awful. I especially get the vicious cycle of feeling like a loser, which makes you depressed, saps your drive and motivation and then your continued inactivity makes you feel like an even BIGGER loser. His last job sounds like a nightmare situation (not to mention a reminder that yeah, guys get harassed and the support structures aren’t there to handle it) and the economy still seriously sucks for people who’re out of work, and half the jobs out there are gig-economy crap or “efficiency”-driven nightmares that exploiting the workforce and screwing them out of the profits of their own labor.

But there comes a point when he’s gone from being a grown-ass man to just indulging himself on your dime. Hell, from the way you’re describing things, it doesn’t even sound like he’s doing housework or otherwise contributing in ways besides financial. I could (maybe) give him a temporary pass if he were at least keeping the house clean or handling the cooking instead of dumping that on you too. But he’s not. He’s enjoying his games and dreaming his dreams and the nice thing about dreams is that you never have to do anything about them. That’s for Future Boyfriend to worry about, not for him!

You may think he’s Mister Awesome, but right now your dream man is busy letting you do all the hard work while he’s sitting back and contributing nothing. You want a partner. He wants a mom.

Unless that dynamic changes, this isn’t going to work out; you’ll be out a relationship and your savings. Not every relationship is going to be perfectly egalitarian but right now there’s no exchange here.

S

t’s got to change.

So what do you need to do? You need to apply boot to ass.

It’s to start being the demanding bitch you’re worried about being because he’s just going to slide on by until you are. So you need to tell him: it’s time to get a job. Period, the end. He may not be able to get a job immediately but he needs to be making concrete progress  – not bulls

t head-fakes in the general direction of work that buy him some time. And until then? He’s cut off. Turn off the money spigot. No funding his laziness, no buying anything that isn’t rent, utilities and groceries.

Hell, consider cutting off the cable while you’re at it. It’s going to suck to have to forgo some of life’s luxuries but the fact of the matter is, he’s being a leech. It’s time for him to start coughing up his share of the workload and money for the bills.

And then you need to ignore his wee tantrums, because quite frankly they’re a derailing tactic. As soon as you start getting angry (or just, y’know, stern) at him, he goes into his song and dance about how awful he is and how you want to leave him and so forth and so on and now you’re no longer talking about getting a job, you’re stuck reassuring him that no you’re not about to dump him and there there there. So now he’s cornered you into being his enabler. If you push him to actually suck it up and take care of his responsibilities, then you’re the controlling bitch who tries to rule his life and doesn’t let him have some fun and if you push it further, then suddenly his self-esteem issues come roaring back to make you back off.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do is treat it like a tantrum: let him rant and rave and cry until he wears himself out. Then stick him in front of the Zip Recruiter login page and tell him to start applying.

Now here’s the thing: it’s entirely possible that he’s dealing with depression, which is contributing to his lack of motivation and his inability to actually get up and do the things he needs to do. Depression is a vampire and it can suck the life and the energy out of you. I have been there, done that and started printing the t-shirts. But dealing with depression doesn’t mean that he no longer has responsibilities — to himself, or to you. If he legitimately is dealing with depression — instead of weaponizing his low self-esteem as a way of getting out of trouble — then he needs to address that too. But neither of those can happen from your couch. He STILL needs to be doing the work (and getting work) and if he needs a boot to ass to get up and do something, then so be it.

It ain’t gonna be fun. It certainly isn’t going to be pretty. But it IS necessary. This is one of those times when being the jerk is going to be the kindest thing you can do… because being nice is just going to mean the end of your relationship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m trying to figure out if I like my best friend’s sister and if she likes me back. In other words, I’m trying to see if it’s worth the pursuit. I don’t get to see much of her often but I think about her more than any other girl; I’m introverted and shy so I don’t keep in touch with a lot of my girl friends all that often. Oddly enough, I’ve known her since I was 12 and she just was eight years, I’m 25 and she’s now 21. I’ve kept in touch with her longer than any girl I’ve ever known. I definitely understand that a lot of this might just be that I’ve never been with anyone before and since I’ve known her the longest, I think I can certainly trust her if our relationship develops into passionate one.

One of the things stopping me is that her brother is protective of her. I completely understand this, but frankly, she is old enough to make her own decisions. Also, I think if she was interested she might’ve given me better clues. Although to be honest, I would guess she’d know me well enough to know that I would be very intimidated to start dating the little sister of my best friend.

Since I’ve discovered I had a crush on her, I’ve gone to the trouble of mentioning she looks nice, that I noticed she changed her hair, stating I was shocked she didn’t like how she looked, etc. Sometimes, when we’re all drinking altogether I’ve made sure she gets plenty of water and just makes sure she’s all right. Her stepmom has even commented that I would be a good match for her based how I treat her. However, I think it more like a carefree joke… and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t say anything.

I’m just not sure how to go about talking to her about this; not just because of her protective brother but because I’m often a bit more sarcastic and I worry she might not take me seriously. If it’s just a simple crush do I even say anything? If I say anything to her about it, do I risk losing my best friend? Maybe I’m reading too much into this but she’s been dating a lot of guys who are ofter shyer than me and even some have looked a bit like me. She does go out of her way to introduce me to her boyfriends and they do seem to be a little protective, almost like they’re jealous. (If I knew better, I’d suspect it to be very Aaron Sorkin-esque relationship.)

Based on how complicated things are, I’ve been trying to meet other people. I’ve made a point to talk about other girls that I’ve gone on dates with and how I wasn’t very compatible with them. On just the couple of occasions that I’ve talked about girls she’s been strangely silent, even to the point where she actually leaves without a word. Her only advice was that she could see me with someone as young as 20. With other friends in our circle she’s a bit more curious how certain things have worked and what didn’t.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s something between us but I worry about what my best friend would say if he found out… I don’t know who to talk to about this stuff.

Stumped Over Sibling

DEAR STUMPED OVER SIBLINGS: Can we cut the bulls

t a little, SOS? Because between you, me and the entire Internet, it’s pretty safe to say you’re interested in your bro’s sister. You don’t need to keep hemming and hawing and throwing conditionals in there to make it sound like you’re not sure if you’re into her or not but you THINK you might be but…

Just be real here. Your buddy’s sister got hot, you have a thing for her. It happens. And that’s fine, man. You’re both adults. The fact that you’ve known each other all this time doesn’t preclude you from recognizing that she got cute, nor does it mean that she’s off limits because you two grew up together. It’s not like you’ve spent all this time waiting for her to come of age. You both grew up, you matured, you changed and now you’re starting to see her as an adult woman instead of an adjunct to your best friend.

So it’s not that you don’t know whether or not you’ve caught feels for her. It’s the potential for unnecessary drama you’re worried about that makes you hesitate to declare that yes, you’re into her.

But before you worry about your buddy, you should decide what you’re going to do about HER. After all, she’s the one you’re interested in, so she’s the one who’s going to be the one to decide whether or not she’s interested in you, too. If you’re interested in her, you should probably find out how she feels before you worry about literally anything else.

And to be perfectly frank, running to her brother for permission is a wee bit patronizing. Doubly so considering that she’s a grown-ass woman. Family is family and they certainly get to have an opinion, but they don’t get veto power – either overtly (“No, you can’t date him, sis”) or by fiat (“Talk to my sister again and I’ll kill you”) over her love life. So if you’re interested in her and want to try to pursue something with her, then maybe you should run things by her first before you worry about her big bad bro.

Of course, you’re not sure how she feels about you. You think you’ve been getting some hints, but the ol’ Magic 8-Ball keeps coming up “Signs Hazy, Ask Again”. So what do you do?

Well, the way I see it, you’ve got two choices. You can spend weeks and months trying to read the tea leaves and divine her intentions from subtle little things that may or may not mean anything. Or – and stick with me, this is a little crazy – you could always ask her out on a date.

Extreme, I know. But it’s a fairly reliable way of finding out if someone wants to date you.

If the two of you are into one another and you’re going to pursue this more than just the odd date or two, then you can worry about her brother. It’s entirely possible that this would be something he couldn’t possibly tolerate and it’d put a strain on your relationship with him. At that point — and not before — would you have to decide which is more important: your friendship with him, or your relationship with his sister.

But if he’s your friend and he knows that you’re a good guy who would be good for his sister, then that shouldn’t be as much of a conflict. It could be difficult if he does have a freak-out – especially since that’s insulting to both you and his sister. 

But as I said: he doesn’t get a veto.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)