DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in my late twenties, married, and very happy with my relationship. Both my spouse and I have a best friend we’ll call Keith. Keith has been our BFF for over 10 years, and I love him so very much. He’s befriended my spouse and I right after we started dating – so I’ve never been single around him, and he’s witnessed the whole gamut of my spouse’s and my relationship: falling in love, having arguments, making up, getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, etc. He’s a big part of our life: he hangs out with us almost every day, we go on vacations and trips together occasionally, we’ve leaned on each other for emotional support though job losses and family deaths, etc. Point is, he’s a REALLY important friend to both my spouse and me.

The “problem” is… I’m pretty sure Keith is in love with me. Like, for real in love. He’s basically admitted it, in a long round-about way. He doesn’t date, he hasn’t had a significant relationship (more than 2 weeks or so) in the 10+ years I’ve known him. He’s open about how attractive he finds me, and that I’m the “kind of” woman he wants. And while he is just as kind and close to my spouse, he has told me privately many times that he thinks I’m just the bees knees.

Now, let me be clear that my spouse and I have no problem with poly relationships and we’ve even discussed the fact that both of us would be OPEN to it if the right person came along (we’re both bisexual, if it matters). But neither of us are attracted, sexually, to Keith at all.

I don’t know if there’s a “problem” here – Keith isn’t pressuring me to leave my spouse nor has he explicitly asked to be romantic with him (with or without my spouse’s approval). But I’m beginning to worry he’s hung up on me and won’t move on to someone else. Every time he tries to date, it never seems to work out. A lot of times it seems like the other girl’s fault, but I’m only hearing one side of the story. From my perspective it doesn’t seem like he spends much time on grooming or pursuing them because he’s far more interested in hanging out with us. He compares all other women in his life to me, I’m afraid.

(And I just have to point out, I have no idea why. I’m trying to not come across as conceited)

I know he’s not asexual. I know he wants a girlfriend or boyfriend. I know he’s lonely (he talks about!) I KNOW he would want a partner if the right one came along. But I know firsthand how hard it is to move on when you’re REALLY hung up on someone else.

I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping him “on the hook” – I’ve never tried to give him any signals that we’ll ever be more than friends. But I’m just worried sick he’ll never be happy with someone else if he’s pining over me.

Part of me thinks I should try to distance myself from him, you know, “be cruel to be kind” and all that, but I love him (platonically) so much!!! He’s my best friend, and I know I’m his. Should I just… let him deal with it and stay out of it?

Help?

Putting the ‘Friend’ in Friend Zone

DEAR PUTTING THE ‘FRIEND’ IN FRIEND ZONE: I picked your letter PTFFZ because, for all the times we hear about dudes complaining about being Friend Zone’d (which, as I like to point out, doesn’t exist), we don’t often hear from the perspective of someone who’s been “girlfriend-zoned”.

So you’re providing a much-needed look into what it’s like to be on the other side of somebody’s inconvenient crush – you genuinely like the guy, but you don’t LIKE-like him. You’re legitimately worried that you’re somehow encouraging him to keep on hoping, knowing full well that it’s just never going to happen.

For all of my readers who’ve been friend-zoned… this is what your crush’s been going through. This isn’t a malicious “ha ha, dance on my string, puppet” issue or some bulls

t “ladder theory”, it’s a friend worried about another friend’s well-being.

With that out of the way, PTFFZ, let’s get to your situation.

It says a lot about you and your connection with Keith that you’re this concerned about him and the possibility that he’s holding out hope that maybe you’re going to come around on him. It’s very sweet of you to be concerned… but ultimately it’s ALSO not your responsibility.

The thing is, Keith’s a grown-ass man. He’s making his own choices. If he does have a nasty case of Oneitis for you, there’s really not anything you can do. I can tell you from bitter personal experience: Oneitis is not rational. It’s not logical. It’s not that they can’t let go, it’s that they WON’T. Somebody with Oneitis will take anything as reason to believe that if they just hold out long enough, the universe will reward their heroic devotion. They will pass up on other relationships because it would be a “betrayal” of their love.

It could be that he’s hung up on you. It could also be that he’s hung up on you and your husband. Some people get crushes of a sort on couples and see their relationship as a sort of surrogate for the one they want. And with all the time he spends with the two of you… well, it’s like he’s an unofficial third, no?

Are you keeping him on the hook? To be honest… probably not. It certainly can be worth interrogating your behavior with Keith, and examine whether you’re, say, being physical with him in ways that you might not otherwise be with other male friends. But really, unless you’re actually flirting with him or saying things like “you know, in another life, we’d probably be a scorching couple”, then odds are that he’s keeping himself on the hook.

9 times out of 10, the issue is that the guy in question is taking perfectly ordinary behavior – even friendly physical affection – and treating it as a sign of potential interest. And while it’s true that a lot of guys can be touch-starved or aren’t used to physically affectionate friendships, it’s ultimately on them to manage their expectations or emotions. He’s not your child. He’s an adult with agency and responsibilities and it’s not on you to do his emotional labor for him.

It’s good that you care for him and that you worry, but you can’t force him to not want you and you can’t force him to be interested in other people. That’s all on him. You can gently nudge him in the right direction. Hell, you can get him copies of some of my books in hopes that it’d help him develop the skills he needs. But you can’t make him do anything.

Honestly, the only thing you could do is dial back the level of emotional and physical intimacy you have with him in hopes that things will taper off. If he’s using you – or your husband, or both of you – to be his surrogate relationship, then this will pull back his emotional safety blanket.

In practice however, I suspect that this will be more likely to trigger a confrontation and conversation about his feelings for you.

Maybe that needs to happen… if you’re right and he’s hung up on you. But at the end of the day: any progress he makes is going to have to be his choice. You can’t live his life for him.

Wish I could give you a more clear-cut “this is what you need to do,” but like I said: dude’s a grown-ass man. The only person who can make him move on is him.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My best friend works at a games store. I visit her about twice a week in between days I have class to bring her food and keep her company when there’s low foot traffic. A couple weeks ago, I met one of her coworkers, who she’s talked about quite a bit. I’ll be honest, I was judgy and expected to not like this guy based on her description. She made him out to be a very extroverted person and that isn’t the sort of person I mesh well with. But this guy. He’s incredibly attractive and very funny. And he’s genuinely nice! My interactions with him have been limited, but there’s definitely the beginnings of a crush brewing. I mentioned to my friend that I thought he was cute and she immediately prattled off a list of reasons why he’s so great. Damn.

In the past month or so, I’ve unpacked a lot of my own emotional issues related to some past heartbreak. I feel now that I’m better equipped to try and seek out a relationship. But I’m not sure whether it’d be smart to take the risk on this guy. My friend told me that, although she’s only known him to date girls, everyone else at the store suspects that he isn’t straight. I myself am a bi guy, so that should be good news. But the uncertainty is terrifying. The thought of just straight-up asking this guy if he likes guys petrifies me. Another friend suggested I just ask him out and see if he says yes. That’s out too.

If I were to do either of those things, I’d want to get to know him better first, but I’m hesitant. I haven’t gone through the trials and tribulations of getting to know someone and then asking them out in a very long time, and I’m frankly scared to do so. I’ve had my heart broken too many times to count, and I’m just now coming back from it. Am I just setting myself up for that again by thinking of pursuing my interest in this guy? Is it worth the risk?

Sincerely,

Cryin’ Bi

DEAR CRYIN’ BI: There’s no reward without risk CB. No matter who you are, no matter what your circumstances, there’s never going to be a point where you can date someone without the risk of pain or disappointment. Whether it’s the pain of being rejected, the pain of being into somebody who isn’t as into you, the pain of breaking up or what-have-you, there’s always the chance of getting hurt. There’s no getting around that.

The key, then, is to decide whether or not that risk is worth it.

Now that doesn’t mean that pain is inevitable, nor does it mean that all pain is equal. Just as we can manage our odds when we play blackjack, we can manage the potential pain of rejection. Part of that is very simple: don’t f

k around and invest so much in somebody you don’t know that you give them the power to destroy you if they turn you down. One of the ways folks end up screwing themselves is that they spend time trying to maximize their chances of getting a “yes” when they ask someone out without actually getting around doing the asking. Before long, they’re so emotionally invested in that person that they don’t dare ask for fear that they’d be turned down and have all their dreams be destroyed.

On the other hand, asking them early means that if you do get turned down… well, it kinda stings, but it ain’t that bad. You’ll likely get over it within the span of time it takes to get a beer, if not sooner.

So, like ripping off a bandage, it’s best done early, quickly and in one smooth motion. As a general rule, I’m a big believer in the Just Ask Him Out, Already approach. By asking someone out on an unambiguous date – not to “hang out some time”, not to “get together” but an actual date – you find out whether they’re into you or not and get a date at the same time if they are. Waiting around “until the time is right” or “until you know for sure” or “know him better” tends to just up the stakes until they’re so high that you don’t dare risk it.

Now that having been said: the fact that you’re bi and you don’t know if this guy is into men means that there’s some legitimate risk here. Plenty of LGBTQ folks, as well as straight women, have been on the receiving end of full-scale freak-outs from sh

ty people, ranging from yelling to outright assault. That’s a legitimate reason to be cautious. But I’m assuming that your BFF knows this guy well enough to know whether he’s the kind of person who’d lose his s

t at a man flirting with him or if he’s the sort of person who would take it in stride. So if you want to be a little cautious here, I’d totally understand. You could conceivably try to thread the needle by inviting him into a convo between you and your friend while you talk about dates and boyfriends previous and see what he says. You could try to feel him out through questions, though that has a higher potential for comedic misunderstanding than actual, actionable intel.

Or you could just cowboy up and say “hey, I don’t know if you’re into guys, but if you are, I think you’re kinda awesome and I’d love to take you on a date sometime.”

But even if you don’t necessarily go for this guy, at some point you’re going to have to get back in the pool. And you can either torture yourself by trying to ease in one millimeter at a time… or you can just dive straight in and start splashing around immediately.

Up to you. You know my vote.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question for you. I’m a kinda short, black teenager in high school and this year (junior year) I decided I want to dress in matching clothing and have some style as much as possible.

So basically I’m not a “socially-inept nerd” but I am a sports playing nerd. I can match my clothes but being in style is hard. I would like your tips on style and maybe some of your style. Thanks.

Jumbled-Up Junior

DEAR JUMBLED-UP JUNIOR: My first rule about high-school is: try not to worry too much about high-school. It’s a giant morass of surging hormones, social Darwinism and a whole bunch of proto-sociopaths who’re busily sharpening their metaphorical knives on anyone and everyone around them where the rules of engagement seem to have been written by people who spent twenty to thirty years in the high-security wing of Oz (and I don’t mean they were trying to find ruby slippers for the Wizard).

Now that having been said, high-school is a place for laying the groundwork for who you will become later on. The sooner you master the basics, whether it’s with social interaction or sartorial mastery, the easier you will find that aspect of your life later on when it does start to count: in college.

So with that in mind, I’m going to advise you that you don’t worry too much about your personal style yet. Start off by making sure you have the basics down pat. This means making sure you’re wearing clothes that actually fit rather than trying to hide any flaws you may perceive in layers of clothing.

Next, keep some simple rules in mind:

First: don’t go overboard with flashy clothes; stick to one piece of clothing that’s the centerpiece of your outfit. Everything else should be basic, otherwise you start to make yourself look overly busy. Same with accessories: keep it simple and minimalist. The more attention-grabbing a piece is, whether it’s a hat, jewelry, a flashy watch or what-have-you, the more it’s going to overwhelm everything else. Think of it like a point system; the flashier it is, the more points it’s going to cost, therefore you will have less room for other accessories.

Next: jeans should be the work-horses of your closet; they can work with any outfit, provided they’re good quality and fairly minimalist in design. The more holes or unusual washes (sand-blasted, for example), the less you can do with them. Dark washes are ideal, as they will work with damn near everything you own and can be dressed up or down. And no decorations on the back pockets. The early 00s have many fashion sins to answer for.

Next: The last thing you put on is going to be the first thing people notice. Keep this in mind, especially in the autumn and winter months. Never underestimate the power of a cool jacket.

Regarding geek-oriented clothing: I’m a big fan of keeping displays of nerdery simple and understated. For example: I wear a custom-made Green Lantern ring, but most folks would never notice until they looked carefully at it. Graphic tees reproducing comic covers, movie posters or X-Men fight-scenes tend to be too much; something simple like the S-shield or the symbiote white-on-black Spider-Man logo are iconic and classic, especially when that’s your centerpiece.

When it comes to shoes: I realize some styles, especially hip-hop and streetwear styles prioritize tennis shoes or basketball shoes. Personally, I think athletic shoes are best used for being athletic in order to keep them from wearing out too quickly. Keep some casual shoes for every-day wear, whether they’re Chuck Taylors, Vans, Addidas or what-have you. You also need one pair of shoes that goes with a suit.

Related to that: your belt should match your shoes.

Also: white socks are best for working out. Dark socks work best for every other occasion.

Track suits are for warming up before exercising or lounging around the house when you don’t give a damn who sees you. Period.

You may notice I didn’t say much about style here. This is because style is an extension of who you are and at your age, your identity and archetype is going to be a moving target. This is a good thing; you should be experimenting with different aspects of your personality and identities as you try to find out who you really are. Find styles that speak to you and people who can serve as a fashion role-model. Just don’t try to lock yourself into who you think you should be or let other people tell you who you are.

This is also a good time to start learning how to shop for clothes properly. Start learning to take advantage of sales and where to find discounts. There are also sites that have daily sales and overstock sales that can help you find designer clothes at a fairly sizable discount.

More often than not, when it comes to clothes, you get what you pay for – but that doesn’t mean that you can’t get it for cheaper if you’re smart.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m dealing with an issue with my partner that I’m not sure how to handle. I’m a 32 year old straight male who has recently come off a long single streak. I’m settling into a new relationship with younger woman which is going swimmingly with one glaring issue. My partner in the past year lost a good deal of weight, to the tune of over 70 lbs. At the moment I’d say she is still 10 - 20 lbs short of a truly attractive and healthy weight. When I got into our relationship I took this as a sign of someone who had decided to turn their life around and get healthy, something I can really respect. As our relationship has progressed however I have realized that she has decided that her current weight is perfect and ideal. This may have something to do with her friends and family who seem to delight in teasing her for being “so small”. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this on several levels.

On a superficial level I just would love to see the woman I love looking as good as possible. More importantly however I have a personal hangup with false body positivity. I don’t mind people being overweight however I have a very hard time with people who glorify fat as “curvy” or simply deny the state of their bodies. I am a reasonably attractive individual but far from perfect and I constantly work to improve how I look and I’m very open about my continuing commitment to health. In contrast my partner seems to reflect the image of being tiny that her friends and family tease her about back without consideration of her actual weight. This is what I have the most trouble with as whenever she makes a comment glorifying something about her weight and how tiny she is I know I freeze up as it really rubs me the wrong way.

I’m aware that this is a personal issue with me, not necessarily her, but it is something that I know I need to deal with in order for us to continue to have a long term relationship. On the flip side however I’m unsure how to have the conversation in a way that doesn’t come off as “hey, I think you’re fat”.

Would love any suggestions you may have as to how I can deal with this!

Not Looking For A Little Extra

DEAR NOT LOOKING FOR A LITTLE EXTRA: I’m gonna be honest with you, my dude: I went through about three different drafts in my response to your letter because the first couple were just my biting your head clean off. Possibly entertaining for my readers, not quite so helpful for you. So I’m going to give you the advice you actually need, not just my knee-jerk response.

Here’s what you say NLFLE: “I think we should see other people. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Because it’s true. The problem isn’t her, it’s you. You’re not right for her, and she’s not what you’re looking for.

Here’s the thing: you are welcome to decide that you only want to date people of certain weights, body types or levels of activity and athletic ambition. If you want to date people who are within a certain weight range or body fat percentage, that’s valid. That’s legit. That makes you happy and so you do you, bro. You can even think that your partner might be more attractive if she lost a couple more pounds.

What isn’t legit is for you to s

t on somebody else’s progress and happiness because of your hangups. You don’t get to tell someone that she’s wrong to celebrate her achievements, that she shouldn’t revel in how happy it makes her or enjoy the support of her nearest and dearest. You don’t get to take something that clearly brings her pleasure and satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment because it doesn’t meet your sense of aesthetics.

What you’re asking me to do here is to harsh somebody else’s joy because it doesn’t make you happy, and frankly I’d rather jam my dick in a sack of angry badgers.

The problem here is that you’re making her achievements and her enjoyment of her body about you. Like I said in this week’s podcast: the female body positivity movement isn’t about getting male approval, fat people pretending that they’re not, or convincing men to be attracted to specific body types, it’s about women and femme-presenting folks learning to love themselves, no matter what shape their body is. It’s about recognizing that your value and validity isn’t based on meeting a specific hip-to-waist ratio or body-mass index. If you aren’t crazy about the body positivity movement, that’s your look-out. Trying to take it away from other people because you don’t like it is literally self-centered and that ain’t a good look on you chief.

You’re correct: this is something that you need to deal with in order for the two of you to have a long-term relationship. You’re also correct in assuming that there is no way of phrasing this as anything other than “I think you’re still fat” because… well, that’s pretty much what you’re saying. You’re just trying to avoid saying the word “fat”. And even if you try to frame it as “I think you’d be so much hotter if you lost 20 more pounds”, then all she’s going to hear is “well I don’t think you’re hot now“.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think telling a partner that something they’re doing is unattractive to you, especially if it’s a change over the course of the relationship, is off limits by definition. Time and gravity make fools of us all, but putting in the effort to be hot for our partners is part of what makes a relationship work. But telling someone who’s put in a lot of time and effort into not just changing her body but her lifestyle and is happy about it that she could still stand to lose more weight is telling her that she didn’t do enough and she shouldn’t be happy about what she’s achieved.

That ain’t cool dude. That ain’t even in the same hemisphere as cool.

(And all of this is without even getting into the very real difficulty of not just losing large amounts of weight but keeping it off.)

And while I agree that this is your problem, not hers,  I’m forced to wonder if this is about her weight or what other people will think about you for dating her. I mean, she’s clearly someone you’re attracted to, otherwise you wouldn’t be dating her. After all, we don’t date someone purely on the potential of “well she’s not bad now but if I get her to lose 20 more lbs, she’d be sensational”. We don’t date people’s future selves, we date who they are now. But here you are, someone who tries to keep in shape, dating someone who is softer and less cut… what does that say about you?

Well, if you’re insecure, it says “I worry that other people will see her and assume that I am the kind of person who can only ‘get’ women like her.” If you’re not insecure it says “This is my girlfriend and isn’t she f

king awesome?”

I think that you need to take some time and really interrogate your feelings about her, your attraction to her and just where these reactions to other people’s happiness are coming from. While you’re doing that, I think you need to work under the assumption that she’s happy at her current weight and won’t lose another pound, period. If she is absolutely going to stay at exactly the weight she’s at currently, are you going to be able to be happy and keep dating her? Because if your interest in her is predicated on who she could be 20 lbs from now, then you need to take this as a sign that you and she simply aren’t compatible and you’re better off letting her go so you can find someone else, while she finds somebody who can appreciate her for who she is.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)