DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My fiancé and I have been together (quite happily) for almost 6 years and we are more in love with one another now than we were in the beginning. However, we have not been able to have sex for the last 2 years.

I have a condition called vulvodynia which makes intercourse excruciatingly painful. He has been incredibly supportive and stayed by my side through countless doctors and endless disappointments. I do what I can to keep him “satisfied” but it’s no longer enough and he has requested my consent to sleep with other women. What do I say? Is this a good idea? The thought of him being intimate with another woman makes me physically ill. He deserves to be happy and I feel like I’m keeping him from that. Am I being selfish? I apologize for the barrage of questions. I would really appreciate any insight you may be able to offer.

Thank you for your time.

Rock and A Hard Place

DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: I’m sorry you’re going through this. You and your fiancé stuck in an incredibly unfair situation with potentially no end in sight. Worse, there are no easy or clear-cut answers to be had to help make things easier.

Before we talk about options that are available to you, I want to talk about what you’ve been doing right. You and your fiancé are trying to tackle this together. He’s been providing you with emotional support through your side and from the sounds of things, he’s been working hard to not make you feel pressured to perform. You, on the other hand, have been doing what you can to help keep him satisfied to the best of your ability, which is admirable too.

One of the hard truths about relationships is that sexual fulfillment is critical to a relationship’s survival. When one or both partners aren’t getting their needs met, the relationship starts to suffer. Now, there will be times when there will be imbalances in sex – one partner’s libido may tank for one reason or another, lifestyle changes may make finding time for sex impractical or even impossible, etc. – and it’s important for one or both partners to find ways to cope in the meantime. Making compromises, such giving your partner an assist as they masturbate, providing some dirty talk or oral sex even if you’re not necessarily in the mood are ways of trying to bridge the gap during these rough patches. The problem is that you and your fiancé, through no fault of your own, are stuck in a situation with no clear cut end in sight… and unfortunately what might work in the short-term doesn’t seem to be working in the long–term. And now, here we are.

There’s always going to be a certain impulse for people to dump on your fiancé for wanting more than you’re capable of giving him; we live in a profoundly sex-negative culture that tends to look at people (frequently men, but not always) with higher sex-drives than their partners as being the problem. Wanting more sex than one’s partner is willing (or able) to give is frequently seen as gauche, inconsiderate or just plain unfair and the issue would go away if the higher-libido partner would just learn to not want sex and be grateful for what he or she is given. The fact that it isn’t enough for him will make him the bad guy in may people’s eyes, possibly even his own. But no amount of cultural approbation or browbeating can change the facts on the ground – it’s not enough for him.

Here’s the thing: the fact that he’s come to you and asked about the possibility of making an arrangement to open up the relationship actually speaks well of him. As painful as all of this can be, your fiancé wants to be honest and open with you. He’s being up-front with his needs and he wants to be above-board rather than sneaking around your back and being a cheating piece of s

t. He doesn’t want to leave you, he hasn’t fallen out of love with you or doesn’t find you attractive any more. All things being equal, he’d rather be with you… but he can’t, not in the way that he needs. What he’s asking for is permission to get his needs met so that he can continue being a good, supportive partner to you because the frustration can and will get in the way of that.

This is one of those times when nobody is in the right and nobody is in the wrong. No, RaaHP, you’re not being selfish. And neither is your fiancé. You want him to be happy. He wants you to be happy. The things it would take for one of you to be happy involves making you the other miserable. And so we come to the crux of the problem: we’re stuck with “which possible solution is going to hurt the least?”

One possibility is that things continue as they are – you doing your best to keep him satisfied. Perhaps adding sex toys to the mix might help; a masturbation sleeve like the ones from Fleshlight or Tenga for example, might make a difference; these can provide a new and intense sensation that can feel similar to penetrative sex. Using it on him – rather than his masturbating with it alone – might be a way of providing the intimacy and connection he wants with the orgasms. You might even be able to simulate traditional PIV sex by holding it between your thighs and letting him penetrate THAT instead of you.

The only problem with this approach is that I suspect it might be a stop-gap measure, rather than a solution, and all that’s happened is that you’ve kicked this problem down the road.

Another possible solution would be to give him permission to sleep with someone else… and then let yourself be in a state of deliberate denial. He agrees to tell you that he hasn’t slept with anyone else and you agree to believe him, while he goes and gets his needs met as discretely as possible. Again, it’s not ideal, but the polite fiction and plausible deniability may be the compromise you can live with.

It may also be worth examining your feelings about his having an affair with someone else. What, exactly, about his being with someone else makes you feel so sick? Is it the sex itself? Does it bother you because you see it as a threat to the emotional integrity of your relationship, that he might start to fall in love with his mistress? Do you feel jealous because this theoretical lover is able to do what you can’t? If you can drill down into what, precisely, bothers you about this scenario, then you and your husband might be able to address it together.

It may also be worth gaming out other scenarios and possible compromises. Would it be as bad if he were given limited permission to sleep with someone else – say, once every couple of months, rather than at will? Would you feel differently if he were seeing an escort, rather than someone from a dating website? What if vaginal sex were off the table – would you be bothered as much his getting oral from someone? What if he went to a masseuse who offered happy endings?

It may well be that you would want to combine these options – using something like the Fleshlight to help prolong things while the two of you work out a possible solution, agreeing to let him get a happy ending from a masseuse while deliberately looking the other way if it goes farther…

I don’t know. And I’m sorry that I don’t know.

If you do decide to look into opening up the relationship, I suggest you and your fiancé read Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy; these will help give you the tools to talk about ethical non-monogamy and how to establish the rules to make it work. And no matter what you do choose, don’t be afraid to communicate your needs to your fiancé as well. Just because penetrative sex is impossible for you doesn’t mean that you don’t have a need for intimacy and pleasure as well.

I wish I had better or easier answers for you, RaaHP. I think you and your fiancé have a strong relationship and an amazing connection. Keep those lines of communication open and don’t lose sight of the love you have for each other.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have never really had a problem meeting women. Most of my best friends have been women. I have had women ask me out, which I must add was quite nice. However, I have problems feeling attracted to women who are not friends. It is rather difficult to explain. I am attracted to women, but I don’t feel the same level of sexual attraction as my male friends. I notice how nice she looks or her eyes, but that is about it.

There are exceptions: with some of my female friends.

I don’t feel that spark unless I have known someone for a long time - several years. I don’t feel sexual attraction except in the confides of a relationship. There is just no twiddle in the pants or brain otherwise. I don’t feel chemistry or the other things people describe about dating except when I date one of my best friends. Even then, the feelings are pretty low.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t develop friendships with the goal of dating. I fear dating will ruin that close friendship; been there, done that. But, for me to feel sexual attraction, I have to be able to know a person, converse, and have few walls between us. 

It may sound like bulls

t, but psychology is starting to study asexuality. The little information available describes me. My sex drive is very low and almost nonexistent. My sexual interest is focused upon her: pleasing her, helping her feel relaxed and happy. I don’t really care about my own sexual release. In fact, I vowed to myself to remain a virgin until marriage out of religious and personal conviction. 

As a 30 year old, people who know about my virginity either hold me in awe (especially when they know I have had a few girlfriends who attempted to seduce me) or view me as a weirdo.

I honestly don’t feel strong attraction except toward female friends. I have tried standard dating, and I felt terrible. I felt like I was leading my date on because I had little to no attraction for her. I asked them out because they where interesting, but I felt little beyond intellectual interest. This happens every time I ask a non-friend to date. My lack of sexual attraction has hurt people, and my slow development of attraction toward my close female friends has hurt many friendships.

I think I need emotional intimacy before my physical attraction revs up. Obviously, this leads me to be friend zoned and frustrates my girlfriends. I go out of my comfort zone to meet my girlfriend’s attraction, but mine is a slow burn that requires months and even years to develop despite my efforts to force it. As much as I try, making out and all that other stuff doesn’t appeal to me. I would rather cuddle, cook her dinner, or give her a massage. I especially enjoy giving girlfriends massages. 

In any case, what your thoughts? 

– Slow Burn

DEAR SLOW BURN:I think there are a couple of issues at play here.

First of all, what you’re experiencing is… not exactly common, but hardly unknown. What you’re describing is what’s commonly known as “demisexuality”: you don’t experience sexual attraction without a strong emotionally intimate relationship with another person. The first thing I would suggest is to visit asexuality.org and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network to learn more.

But even allowing for your possibly being demisexual, it sounds like you have a low libido under the best of circumstances. This isn’t entirely unheard of; some folks just have a low sex-drive, period. Even as someone who’s demisexual, you may well lean more towards the asexual end of the spectrum, with little to no sexual drive over all. After all, even when you do feel desire for someone – your various female friends of long-standing – it’s not terribly strong.

What you do about this depends on how you feel about your generalized lack of attraction. If it’s something that bothers you – you want to feel physical desire, but don’t – then it might be worth talking to your doctor and getting a physical; sometimes a reduced sex drive is a symptom of an undetected physical problem. Sometimes it can be psychological – stress, for example, is a known boner-killer.

It could also be external to you. There are a number of environmental and lifestyle factors that can reduce the sex drive in people, especially men. Being overweight, smoking and certain drugs can cause issues both with libido and physical arousal… and then the additional stress of the potential of erectile dysfunction can kill your libido deader than disco. Similarly, antidepressants, especially SSRI’s, can screw up your sex-drive and leave you both uninterested in sex and unable to have it on the rare occasions you are.

On the other hand, if you’re comfortable with your sex drive as it is but feel awkward about how it affects you socially – which I suspect is the case – then you really should look to the asexual community for support. AVEN has a wide variety of resources, not just about asexuality in general but also help with common dating issues as well: after all, just because you’re not interested in physical intimacy doesn’t mean that you’re not interested in emotional intimacy.

But the fact that it happens consistently — and exclusively — with friends gives me pause. It doesn’t seem as though you’re up front with the women you date about the fact that you take time to ramp up towards sexual attraction, and that’s information that they deserve to have.

The fact that you only start feeling sexual attraction when you have an emotional relationship with someone means that sex — or at least, the traditional forms of it — aren’t likely to be on the table for a while, and people should know that in advance. That’s the sort of information that people would want to have in order to make an informed choice about whether they want to date you or not.

This lack of communication — both with your potential partners and your friends is what’s ultimately causing you problems. While I’m not questioning the legitimacy of your sexuality, I’m guessing that much of your tendency to fall for your friends is exacerbated by your feeling uncomfortable about your lack of desire.

I’m not entirely surprised that you feel abnormal and fear the rejection and strife you’ve had before. You’ve dealt with a lot of relationship drama and a lot of it was focused dead-bang on your sexuality. I can imagine that this left you feeling like a freak or a weirdo because of your low sex-drive… and that in turn makes you feel as though you don’t “deserve” a relationship. As a result, your female friends likely feel “safer” in a way, because you’ve already built up this long-standing emotionally intimate relationship but at the same time they’re off-limits; you know that they’re not interested, so you don’t have to face trying to negotiate the tricky issue of your slow-burn libido if they did decide to date you. This way you can have your neurosis cake and eat it too.

I think that the sooner you become more comfortable with who you are – that you’re perfectly normal, that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you’re certainly not the only demisexual person out there – the fewer problems you’ll have when it comes to emotional attraction. You may still take time to get interested in someone, but I think you won’t keep unconsciously punishing yourself by pursuing relationships you know won’t work out.

While your sexuality can make things inconvenient, inconvenient isn’t the same as impossible. There are women out there who also prefer to take things slow and build up comfort and security with their partner before they get sexual. And if you’re ok with being what’s known in some circles as a “service top” and pleasing your partner sexually (hands, toys, oral, etc) without expectation or need for reciprocation at first, you may find more than a few folks who’d be down with that while you build the connection that you need for physical attraction.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a nerd of the female persuasion, with a loving and nerdly partner whom I’m about to marry. Things are great with him; our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me. However, our romance grew from an existing friendship, and he is the first and only person I’ve ever “dated”. I’ve gone my entire life without ever having navigated the murky and treacherous waters of the dating scene, and as a result, I suspect I might be a little stunted when it comes to certain skillsets.

Basically my question is this: How can I tell when someone is flirting with me?

It doesn’t happen very often (thank god), as I do my best to radiate “not-interested” vibes. But every now and then a friend or acquaintance will lean in a little too close, start finding reasons for the two of us to see each other without mutual friends or my fiancé, or just behave in a way that feels too intimate. I should probably mention at this point that I’m somewhere on the shallow end of the autism spectrum, and have difficulty picking up signals that other women find obvious. So when a guy (or girl) is displaying apparently amorous intent but isn’t being explicit, I find myself grappling with… Schrödinger’s come-on. This is what goes on in my head:

“Is he hitting on me? That last conversation was pretty weird. He knows I’m getting married, so that means he can’t be hitting on me… right? Maybe he’s just really friendly. Maybe he just has bad boundaries. I used to have bad boundaries, so I should cut him some slack. Oh god, he’s coming over. Should I make eye contact? Does that smile have a double meaning? What if he wants to hang out after work today? What if I tell him I’m not interested and he is offended because he was just trying to be nice? AAAAHHHH!”

Then my head explodes, and I ooze towards the nearest exit in a slimy trail of social awkwardness.

Thing is, if people are up-front about their interest, I can just say something like “I’m flattered, but I’m getting married soon, and as such I’m not interested”. It’s still awkward, but at least the course is clear. But if people are being subtle, I’m never sure whether I’m interpreting their behavior correctly. Some people really ARE just touchy-feely while getting to know new friends. Those same people occasionally react with fury and indignation when being told to back off. (“Ugh, I was never interested in YOU. Why are you such a bitch?” etc)

So, can you help me, Doc?

– Taken

DEAR TAKEN: Here’s a dirty secret: those guys who react with fury and indignation? A lot of ’em were flirting with you. You caught ’em, you shot ’em down and that hurt ’em. Assuming you weren’t being cruel when you turned them down (“How DARE you? I’m ENGAGED, YOU LITTLE TROLL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!”), that little “UNGH, AS IF!” is their way of trying to take back the power. They’re trying to lash back at you – first by insulting you then by trying to make it about you rather than about them. “I’m not the wrong one here, you are…”. Secure guys say “well that sucks” and move on. Insecure guys freak the hell out and try to gaslight you about it instead.

But let’s get to the crux of your problem: how to tell when guys are hitting on you, especially if you’re not so good on picking up their signals. It’s worth noting: sometimes it’s not about you not being able to pick them up so much as other people trying hard not to give them off. Lots of nerdboys have a hard time openly expressing their interest in women; they’re afraid that if they’re overt, they’ll get shot down and would rather risk getting friend-zoned than have to actually close the book on the hope of getting together with someone. So as a result, they’ll pull the “I like you, no, wait, I’m just kidding… unless you like me back” card. They’ll tentatively put out a feeler or two, yank it back almost as soon as they say it – trying to pretend that it’s a joke – and then hope that you’ll take it seriously after all.

Now, some general tips: keep an eye on their eyes. If they’re pulling the “triangle gaze” on you – looking from eye to eye to lips and back – they’re thinking more about how much they want to kiss you… especially if they’re leaning in close. Watch the hands as well: is he touching you a lot more than he might touch other people? How his he touching you? With the back of his hand to your shoulder, say, or putting his palm on your back or your forearm? Touching your hand or forearm carries more implied intimacy than, say, a friendly slug in the arm. If he’s a hugger – some guys are – then see if he’s trying to do the full-body hug instead of the a-frame.

For that matter, pay attention to his body — specifically, where he’s standing and why. Is he always having reasons to be around you or standing closer than circumstances would actually dictate? Is he always looking to get you alone? If he’s coming up with contrived reasons for the two of you to get together – just the two of you – then it’s more likely than not that he’s hoping that getting you alone will increase his chances of getting somewhere WITH you. See how he reacts if you suggest bringing someone else along; if he resists, then it’s not unreasonable to wonder if he’s hoping to slip a date through the back door without your noticing it.

(Wait, are we still doing “phrasing”?)

Here’s what you don’t have to do: don’t worry about if you’re accidentally leading him on or giving false signals. When you start over-thinking whether he is or isn’t flirting with you and start trying to second-guess your own behavior, then all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to make yourself even more anxious and awkward than you already are. I’ve found that dropping references to your fiancé is a subtle (for suitably low values of subtle) way of saying “I think you’re hitting on me, but I’m not sure, but please stop if you are”… it indicates that you’re not interested, reaffirms the existence of your soon-to-be hubby and gives enough plausible deniability to the both of you that you can get through the rest of the interaction pretending the Schrödinger’s Flirt didn’t actually happen.

Above all else, don’t forget to use your words. You don’t have to ask “Hey, are you hitting on me?” Just tell them that you’re not comfortable with them being so touchy-feely or standing so close to you or making those jokes and you’d really appreciate it if they’d stop. It’s important to remember that you’re not required to go along to get along if someone’s making you uncomfortable. Even if it’s a little awkward afterwards, being willing to say “Hey, listen, dial it back a notch” is important; even if it’s all a misunderstanding, you’re not obligated to put his comfort above your own.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)