DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have never really had a problem meeting women. Most of my best friends have been women. I have had women ask me out, which I must add was quite nice. However, I have problems feeling attracted to women who are not friends. It is rather difficult to explain. I am attracted to women, but I don’t feel the same level of sexual attraction as my male friends. I notice how nice she looks or her eyes, but that is about it.

There are exceptions: with some of my female friends.

I don’t feel that spark unless I have known someone for a long time - several years. I don’t feel sexual attraction except in the confides of a relationship. There is just no twiddle in the pants or brain otherwise. I don’t feel chemistry or the other things people describe about dating except when I date one of my best friends. Even then, the feelings are pretty low.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t develop friendships with the goal of dating. I fear dating will ruin that close friendship; been there, done that. But, for me to feel sexual attraction, I have to be able to know a person, converse, and have few walls between us. 

It may sound like bulls

t, but psychology is starting to study asexuality. The little information available describes me. My sex drive is very low and almost nonexistent. My sexual interest is focused upon her: pleasing her, helping her feel relaxed and happy. I don’t really care about my own sexual release. In fact, I vowed to myself to remain a virgin until marriage out of religious and personal conviction. 

As a 30 year old, people who know about my virginity either hold me in awe (especially when they know I have had a few girlfriends who attempted to seduce me) or view me as a weirdo.

I honestly don’t feel strong attraction except toward female friends. I have tried standard dating, and I felt terrible. I felt like I was leading my date on because I had little to no attraction for her. I asked them out because they where interesting, but I felt little beyond intellectual interest. This happens every time I ask a non-friend to date. My lack of sexual attraction has hurt people, and my slow development of attraction toward my close female friends has hurt many friendships.

I think I need emotional intimacy before my physical attraction revs up. Obviously, this leads me to be friend zoned and frustrates my girlfriends. I go out of my comfort zone to meet my girlfriend’s attraction, but mine is a slow burn that requires months and even years to develop despite my efforts to force it. As much as I try, making out and all that other stuff doesn’t appeal to me. I would rather cuddle, cook her dinner, or give her a massage. I especially enjoy giving girlfriends massages. 

In any case, what your thoughts? 

– Slow Burn

DEAR SLOW BURN:I think there are a couple of issues at play here.

First of all, what you’re experiencing is… not exactly common, but hardly unknown. What you’re describing is what’s commonly known as “demisexuality”: you don’t experience sexual attraction without a strong emotionally intimate relationship with another person. The first thing I would suggest is to visit asexuality.org and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network to learn more.

But even allowing for your possibly being demisexual, it sounds like you have a low libido under the best of circumstances. This isn’t entirely unheard of; some folks just have a low sex-drive, period. Even as someone who’s demisexual, you may well lean more towards the asexual end of the spectrum, with little to no sexual drive over all. After all, even when you do feel desire for someone – your various female friends of long-standing – it’s not terribly strong.

What you do about this depends on how you feel about your generalized lack of attraction. If it’s something that bothers you – you want to feel physical desire, but don’t – then it might be worth talking to your doctor and getting a physical; sometimes a reduced sex drive is a symptom of an undetected physical problem. Sometimes it can be psychological – stress, for example, is a known boner-killer.

It could also be external to you. There are a number of environmental and lifestyle factors that can reduce the sex drive in people, especially men. Being overweight, smoking and certain drugs can cause issues both with libido and physical arousal… and then the additional stress of the potential of erectile dysfunction can kill your libido deader than disco. Similarly, antidepressants, especially SSRI’s, can screw up your sex-drive and leave you both uninterested in sex and unable to have it on the rare occasions you are.

On the other hand, if you’re comfortable with your sex drive as it is but feel awkward about how it affects you socially – which I suspect is the case – then you really should look to the asexual community for support. AVEN has a wide variety of resources, not just about asexuality in general but also help with common dating issues as well: after all, just because you’re not interested in physical intimacy doesn’t mean that you’re not interested in emotional intimacy.

But the fact that it happens consistently — and exclusively — with friends gives me pause. It doesn’t seem as though you’re up front with the women you date about the fact that you take time to ramp up towards sexual attraction, and that’s information that they deserve to have.

The fact that you only start feeling sexual attraction when you have an emotional relationship with someone means that sex — or at least, the traditional forms of it — aren’t likely to be on the table for a while, and people should know that in advance. That’s the sort of information that people would want to have in order to make an informed choice about whether they want to date you or not.

This lack of communication — both with your potential partners and your friends is what’s ultimately causing you problems. While I’m not questioning the legitimacy of your sexuality, I’m guessing that much of your tendency to fall for your friends is exacerbated by your feeling uncomfortable about your lack of desire.

I’m not entirely surprised that you feel abnormal and fear the rejection and strife you’ve had before. You’ve dealt with a lot of relationship drama and a lot of it was focused dead-bang on your sexuality. I can imagine that this left you feeling like a freak or a weirdo because of your low sex-drive… and that in turn makes you feel as though you don’t “deserve” a relationship. As a result, your female friends likely feel “safer” in a way, because you’ve already built up this long-standing emotionally intimate relationship but at the same time they’re off-limits; you know that they’re not interested, so you don’t have to face trying to negotiate the tricky issue of your slow-burn libido if they did decide to date you. This way you can have your neurosis cake and eat it too.

I think that the sooner you become more comfortable with who you are – that you’re perfectly normal, that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you’re certainly not the only demisexual person out there – the fewer problems you’ll have when it comes to emotional attraction. You may still take time to get interested in someone, but I think you won’t keep unconsciously punishing yourself by pursuing relationships you know won’t work out.

While your sexuality can make things inconvenient, inconvenient isn’t the same as impossible. There are women out there who also prefer to take things slow and build up comfort and security with their partner before they get sexual. And if you’re ok with being what’s known in some circles as a “service top” and pleasing your partner sexually (hands, toys, oral, etc) without expectation or need for reciprocation at first, you may find more than a few folks who’d be down with that while you build the connection that you need for physical attraction.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a nerd of the female persuasion, with a loving and nerdly partner whom I’m about to marry. Things are great with him; our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me. However, our romance grew from an existing friendship, and he is the first and only person I’ve ever “dated”. I’ve gone my entire life without ever having navigated the murky and treacherous waters of the dating scene, and as a result, I suspect I might be a little stunted when it comes to certain skillsets.

Basically my question is this: How can I tell when someone is flirting with me?

It doesn’t happen very often (thank god), as I do my best to radiate “not-interested” vibes. But every now and then a friend or acquaintance will lean in a little too close, start finding reasons for the two of us to see each other without mutual friends or my fiancé, or just behave in a way that feels too intimate. I should probably mention at this point that I’m somewhere on the shallow end of the autism spectrum, and have difficulty picking up signals that other women find obvious. So when a guy (or girl) is displaying apparently amorous intent but isn’t being explicit, I find myself grappling with… Schrödinger’s come-on. This is what goes on in my head:

“Is he hitting on me? That last conversation was pretty weird. He knows I’m getting married, so that means he can’t be hitting on me… right? Maybe he’s just really friendly. Maybe he just has bad boundaries. I used to have bad boundaries, so I should cut him some slack. Oh god, he’s coming over. Should I make eye contact? Does that smile have a double meaning? What if he wants to hang out after work today? What if I tell him I’m not interested and he is offended because he was just trying to be nice? AAAAHHHH!”

Then my head explodes, and I ooze towards the nearest exit in a slimy trail of social awkwardness.

Thing is, if people are up-front about their interest, I can just say something like “I’m flattered, but I’m getting married soon, and as such I’m not interested”. It’s still awkward, but at least the course is clear. But if people are being subtle, I’m never sure whether I’m interpreting their behavior correctly. Some people really ARE just touchy-feely while getting to know new friends. Those same people occasionally react with fury and indignation when being told to back off. (“Ugh, I was never interested in YOU. Why are you such a bitch?” etc)

So, can you help me, Doc?

– Taken

DEAR TAKEN: Here’s a dirty secret: those guys who react with fury and indignation? A lot of ’em were flirting with you. You caught ’em, you shot ’em down and that hurt ’em. Assuming you weren’t being cruel when you turned them down (“How DARE you? I’m ENGAGED, YOU LITTLE TROLL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!”), that little “UNGH, AS IF!” is their way of trying to take back the power. They’re trying to lash back at you – first by insulting you then by trying to make it about you rather than about them. “I’m not the wrong one here, you are…”. Secure guys say “well that sucks” and move on. Insecure guys freak the hell out and try to gaslight you about it instead.

But let’s get to the crux of your problem: how to tell when guys are hitting on you, especially if you’re not so good on picking up their signals. It’s worth noting: sometimes it’s not about you not being able to pick them up so much as other people trying hard not to give them off. Lots of nerdboys have a hard time openly expressing their interest in women; they’re afraid that if they’re overt, they’ll get shot down and would rather risk getting friend-zoned than have to actually close the book on the hope of getting together with someone. So as a result, they’ll pull the “I like you, no, wait, I’m just kidding… unless you like me back” card. They’ll tentatively put out a feeler or two, yank it back almost as soon as they say it – trying to pretend that it’s a joke – and then hope that you’ll take it seriously after all.

Now, some general tips: keep an eye on their eyes. If they’re pulling the “triangle gaze” on you – looking from eye to eye to lips and back – they’re thinking more about how much they want to kiss you… especially if they’re leaning in close. Watch the hands as well: is he touching you a lot more than he might touch other people? How his he touching you? With the back of his hand to your shoulder, say, or putting his palm on your back or your forearm? Touching your hand or forearm carries more implied intimacy than, say, a friendly slug in the arm. If he’s a hugger – some guys are – then see if he’s trying to do the full-body hug instead of the a-frame.

For that matter, pay attention to his body — specifically, where he’s standing and why. Is he always having reasons to be around you or standing closer than circumstances would actually dictate? Is he always looking to get you alone? If he’s coming up with contrived reasons for the two of you to get together – just the two of you – then it’s more likely than not that he’s hoping that getting you alone will increase his chances of getting somewhere WITH you. See how he reacts if you suggest bringing someone else along; if he resists, then it’s not unreasonable to wonder if he’s hoping to slip a date through the back door without your noticing it.

(Wait, are we still doing “phrasing”?)

Here’s what you don’t have to do: don’t worry about if you’re accidentally leading him on or giving false signals. When you start over-thinking whether he is or isn’t flirting with you and start trying to second-guess your own behavior, then all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to make yourself even more anxious and awkward than you already are. I’ve found that dropping references to your fiancé is a subtle (for suitably low values of subtle) way of saying “I think you’re hitting on me, but I’m not sure, but please stop if you are”… it indicates that you’re not interested, reaffirms the existence of your soon-to-be hubby and gives enough plausible deniability to the both of you that you can get through the rest of the interaction pretending the Schrödinger’s Flirt didn’t actually happen.

Above all else, don’t forget to use your words. You don’t have to ask “Hey, are you hitting on me?” Just tell them that you’re not comfortable with them being so touchy-feely or standing so close to you or making those jokes and you’d really appreciate it if they’d stop. It’s important to remember that you’re not required to go along to get along if someone’s making you uncomfortable. Even if it’s a little awkward afterwards, being willing to say “Hey, listen, dial it back a notch” is important; even if it’s all a misunderstanding, you’re not obligated to put his comfort above your own.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer. I’ll go to the point: I’m 26 and never kissed, hugged or had sex with a girl and I’m thinking losing my virginity with an escort. It really hurts knowing I’ll pass through life without experiencing how it feels to love someone that loves me back and have a girlfriend or get married and have a family of my own. I’ve been told enough times how ugly I am and I have completely given up at this point. It’s just not for me. And since there is no solution, I was thinking maybe at least pay for have a glimpse of what normal people do. I mean, I don’t only want to have sex with her, I would like to hold hands, lay in bed talking nonsense or just looking into each other eyes and cuddle.

I have done my research and hiring some “girlfriend experience” could be perfect for me. Except it doesn’t feel like that. I mean, one half of myself wants to do it right now, to stop wondering how it feels and finally doing it. But the other half is terrified. I’m scared that I would feel even worse. I imagine myself holding hands and looking at someone who is pretending being attracted to me and it makes me cry. It’s too awful, meaningless and empty. And yet is the best I could ever get.

So I’m in a limbo. I want to do this, since I’ll never experience it in my life and I don’t want to die without knowing how it feels. But at the same time I don’t want to, because I will be with someone who doesn’t like me at all and it not a replacement for a true and sincere relationship.

You always give great advice, can you help me?

Doubtful and Scared

DEAR DOUBTFUL AND SCARED: There’s a lot to unpack here D&S, and a lot of it is coming from a place of bulls

t and fear. We’re going to start with the idea that you’re going to never be loved, never get married or have a family. This is the start of the bulls

t. It’s not the truth, it’s not prophecy and you’re not Nostradamus.

(If you were, then the best thing you could do would send me the winning Powerball numbers).

What you’re feeling is depression and despair talking, not truth. It only feels like truth because we have an inherent bias towards negativity, where negative thoughts, emotions and experiences affect us five times more than positive ones do. Negative beliefs have a much stronger effect on us because, well, they hit us harder. This is why it’s much easier to believe – without actual evidence – that you’re doomed to be Forever Alone.

But the funny thing about being Forever Alone: nobody can predict that, either. I have lost track of the number of people I’ve worked with who’ve insisted – like you – that they’re too ugly, too socially awkward or just too late to ever know love, relationships or family. Funny thing: every single one of them has gone on to find all of those things. Yes, there are people who die without having found someone, nobody denies that. But here is a truth: there is literally no way to know that you will be one of them until the moment you actually die… and sometimes not even then. Life is nothing but the potential for change; the question is whether you’re going to let those changes happen or take control of your life and make them happen.

Because, if I’m perfectly blunt? Your problem isn’t that you’re a virgin. Your problem is that you’ve been surrounded by assholes. And the folks who’re bagging on you for how supposedly “ugly” you are? They’re a

holes. Yes, even the ones who’re supposedly giving you “tough love” or “telling you harsh truths”. All they’re doing is kicking your soul in the nuts for grins. As is becoming a cliche in this column: if I had a nickel for every average-to-cute looking dude who insisted to me that he was actually too ugly to ever date, I’d be having mecha fights with Elon Musk in San Francisco Bay.

And as I’m also always saying: your looks have far more to do with your presentation and your grooming than your bone structure or your symmetry. Looks are malleable; all you have to do is watch an episode of Queer Eye to see the astoundingly transformative power of a decent hair cut and some clothes that actually fit. Plus, to be perfectly blunt: guys coming back from Iraq with massive burn scars over the majority of their body are able to find love and get married. You, D&S, are far from doomed to a life of involuntary chastity.

Now let’s talk about your wanting to hire a sex worker, because that is coming from a place of ignorance as well. If that’s something you want to do – and I’m all in favor, if it is – then you need to come to it from a place of understanding and reality, not from your internalized self-loathing. You have this idea that escorts can’t stand their clients… and honestly that isn’t true, any more than psychologists and counselors are pretending to care or to want to help you. I talk with and am friends with a number of sex workers across the spectrum from dancers to porn stars and honestly? While there’re always a

hole clients, there’re also the clients that they are incredibly fond of and have genuine affection for. It may not be a romantic relationship, but it’s a genuine fondness and appreciation for them as people, not as ATMs with legs. Someone providing you with a girlfriend experience isn’t internally rolling her eyes while counting down the minutes until it’s over, they’re giving you a genuine moment of connection.

If you want to be one of those clients that they think of fondly? Then treat them with respect and consideration. Do your research, find an escort who offers what you’re looking for – one who’s an independent, who’s not being trafficked etc. – go through her screening process and set up an appointment. Pay her rates and give a nice tip. I suspect that you might actually have a much better experience losing your virginity with someone who’s invested in giving you the best experience possible than, say, a random person you met at a bar.

But if we’re being perfectly honest: losing your virginity – whether with an escort or not – isn’t going to fix things for you. Even if you feel a surge of confidence and motivation, which certainly isn’t out of the realm of possibility, you need more than that. What you need more than anything else is to focus on breaking these self-limiting beliefs of yours. I think, more than anything else, you should work on finding a therapist and learning how to break these negative patterns you’ve found yourself in. That, more than anything else, is going to help you realize just how much amazing, boundless potential you have and how incredible your life and future can be if you take active control.

You’ve got far more going for you than you realize, far more potential than you could ever hope for and the strength to make the future you’re longing for come into being. You just have to step up and take charge.

You’ll be ok D&S. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)