DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in need of some advice on how to take rejection better. Not necessarily in the moment when it happens because I feel like I’ve become a pro at that, but in the days that linger on before you’ve met someone else you’re into and the person who rejected you is still in your social orbit.

Here’s a story to illustrate what I mean:

So first things first, I’m heavily involved in the stand-up comedy scene in my hometown. I perform, help run shows, and handle a lot of the marketing. This also means that I’m a familiar face at a few of the bars in town where shows take place. Second things second, there was this woman, see…like a lot of these stories go. We go from sharing smiling glances from across the bar to breaking the ice. Some nights we’d speak with each other, other nights we’d stick to our own social groups since she doesn’t normally come to the bars I do shows at for the stand-up comedy, she just has a lot of friends who go to the same places.

Anyway, on one particular night we end up socializing in the same general group after a show until the group wittles down to just the two of us, and I then proceed to ask her on a date. She tells me that she’s in a newish relationship but is flattered by the proposal. I try my best to put any nervousness she may have at ease by cracking a few jokes; departing not too long afterwards by wishing her a good night, which she smiled ear to ear at and seemed to genuinely appreciate.

So hey, seems like a positive story right? I didn’t get what I wanted but according to my own observation she seemed to find my attempt charming and I put myself out there even though I didn’t know where I would land. I haven’t dated someone in over a year due to being, frankly, devastated from losing a job I loved (albeit in a poorly paying industry), and have slowly been regaining confidence by going back to school for a higher paying career change that is finally starting to show its upside. I respect her choices and have no intentions of asking her again or even referencing it in jest.

Thing is, the next time we were at the same bar I honestly had no damn clue how to act around her. We didn’t speak, I stuck strictly by my own friend group the entire night, in the one moment where our glances met by chance I averted my eyes immediately, and I left the bar the first chance I could after getting paid. Basically I feel like I went from being a fun guy in her presence to a walled-off coward in the space of just over a week. I think a large part of this is that I’ve taught myself to roll with the punches when it comes to women turning me down because I’m confident I can/will find someone who is into me, but on some level I’m embarrassed by being the same space with someone who I’ve been vulnerable in front of, however briefly and relatively inconsequential.

So Dr. NerdLove, I’m not overly concerned about what I should do regarding this specific girl since I’ll actually be away from my hometown for the next few months for work and hopefully any residual awkwardness will have faded by then. What I am concerned with is being embarrassed about the rejection after the fact. It certainly makes me question how cool I actually am with rejection if I have a lingering shame about it. Is there a way to cope with the fact that rejection really is just irreparably humiliating and no amount of steely confidence in the moment it happens can overcome that? Is there a lesson to be learned from my letter that anyone else could benefit from?

Barfly Affected by Emotions

DEAR BARFLY AFFECTED BY EMOTIONS: So I’m gonna be honest here: you’re kind of inventing a problem for yourself, BAE.

I mean, you did everything right. You saw someone who’s a regular in your various hang-outs, you got to know her, the two of you got comfortable enough to hang out and talk on your own, you made your move without hesitation and took her refusal with good grace. While it’s a shame that things didn’t work out, those are all literally what I tell folks to do when they see someone they’re interested in.

Here’s the part that’s not quite lining up for me, BAE: why should you act any differently around her? Literally nothing has changed. It’s not as though you were harboring deep-seated feelings for her or that you had a friendship of long-standing and your asking her on a date suddenly changed the context of your relationship. Similarly, it’s not like you did anything wrong, uncomfortable or shameful when you asked her out. You asked for a date, she said “no, thank you” and you said “ok, no problem”. That sounds to me like it all went as smoothly as one could hope for.

So why would you have any reason to be uncomfortable around her? Well, the answer to that is in how you’re looking at this, not how cool you are or aren’t with rejection.

See, the issue you’re having isn’t that you were vulnerable with her, the issue is that you were vulnerable and you were rejected. It’s that feeling of “Great, I did what everyone tells me to do and it didn’t work. Glad I opened myself up to pain for no good goddamn reason.”

Which is entirely understandable; when you’re letting yourself be vulnerable with someone, it feels like you’re doing something that’s going to make you look bad. It feels like you’ve done something shameful or embarrassing and showed a side of yourself that you otherwise keep hidden. But here’s the thing about vulnerability: it’s actually a strength. It’s showing the world that you don’t find your authentic feelings to be shameful or something that needs to be hidden. When you’re letting yourself be vulnerable, you’re showing the world that you’re strong enough to be your authentic self instead of putting up a mask that you think the world wants to see. You’re living openly and honestly and sincerely, and to be perfectly blunt: most people can’t handle living like that.

The fact that you told someone you were attracted to them and wanted to take them out on a date isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Hell, the fact that you made your move is admirable. It’s a shame that it didn’t work the way you’d hope, but the fact that you did it at all is something that you should be proud of. There’s no reason to feel awkward around her or to try to avoid her because you didn’t do anything to feel awkward about. Honestly, avoiding her is going to make things more awkward because it sends weird messages, even though you don’t intend for it to do so.

So what do you do about it? Well, the only thing you can do is just power through it. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and then push through that initial feeling of “oh god I’m embarrassed” and act like nothing has changed. This will be easy because, fundamentally, nothing has changed. It’s all exactly the same as in the minutes before you asked her out on a date. So when you force yourself to fake it (at first), you’ll realize very quickly that you aren’t having to fake it; everything will flow smoothly and normally and you’ll relax into the familiar old patterns before you know it.

You have no reason to feel humiliated, BAE, nor do you need steely confidence to get over this. All you need to do is change the context of how you see being vulnerable. It’s not something above and beyond or something embarrassing. It’s just you leaning into being your authentic, genuine self. It’s hard at first, but the more you choose to live authentically, the more natural it becomes.

And that’ll make it that much easier to find someone who will want to go out on that date with you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently moved to a new city in a new country, where I don’t have a great command of the language. I’ve taken some language classes to help me get by as well as meet some people. They have been a success on both fronts. I also met a girl. We hung out a couple of times, both in a group and one on one. We get along well, have similar interests and I was infatuated, so I figured I needed to ask her out. It was honestly a big step, as I’m generally the type of person who prefers to silently pine for someone. However, putting aside my fears of awkwardness (my mantra was “if you don’t treat it like a big deal, then they won’t treat it like a big deal.”, thanks by the way),  I asked her out. She said no. I didn’t treat it like a big deal. She didn’t treat it like a big deal. She said, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, however, would you like to get that drink as friends”. I said “Sure, why don’t we invite some of our mutual friends”. It was a surprisingly good (and not awkward) night, we all went out, had a few drinks as if nothing happened.

Fast forward a month or so, and it’s as if nothing happened. We’re still hanging out, sometimes one on one, and I’m back to silently pining. I can’t move on. I know I can’t ask her again, I’m not about to be the guy who pesters someone to date them. I also don’t want to be hanging around in the hope she changes her mind, as tempting as that seems right now. Back home I think I know what I would do, I’d cut back. I’d stop seeing them as much until I’d found someone else to pine for. The only issue here, in this new country, I’m fairly friend-poor at the moment. It would mean reducing my group of friends by about a 1/5th. Not to mention the person with whom I get on best in this whole goddammed city.

So what am I to do? Doctor, I think I might be coming down with oneitis, do I remove the source of infection or let it simmer knowing it will pass?

Thanks,

Lost in Translation

DEAR LOST IN TRANSLATION: The best way to avoid getting Oneitis is to start seeing more people. If you’re spending all your time around your crush – even as you insist you’re cool with being friends – then you’re not really giving yourself a chance to get over her and realize that there’re other folks out there. The more options you present yourself with, the easier it is to realize that while this one person is very nice, there’re plenty of other people out there who’re just as nice… or possibly even more so.

Now, in your case, you’re dealing with an artificially limited population. Since you don’t speak the language well yet, you’ve been sticking mostly to the folks in the same boat as you – expats, workers from the home country, etc. While that’s totally understandable – it’s remarkable how much even just a familiar accent can be a relief when you’re dealing with culture shock – it means that you’re seeing the same folks over and over again.

So what do you do?

Branch out a little. I can almost guarantee you that if you start poking around online, you’ll find meet-ups and webforums for other fellow travelers; get to know them. You might also want to hop on Tinder or Bumble or other location-based dating apps and send up a flare for folks – locals and otherwise – who might be interested in dating a visitor to their fair country. Not only will this give you an excuse to practice your language skills, but it’ll remind you of just how many awesome women are out there who are looking for relationships and also dig what you have to offer.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some platonic advice:

So, I’m moving away in a few months (I’m living in Taiwan and am returning back to America) and recently a female friend reached out to me wanting to throw a party for me before I leave. Super nice sentiment and all that, but some issues:

– We were kinda seeing each other last year. Nothing serious and far from really anything just spending most of the weekend together and she wanted me to sleep over her place (I insisted on the couch because I didn’t want to cross a line) when we hung out and we kissed a few times. But, the moment another guy she wanted to get with got back into town she ghosted on me for months. I eventually got over it, but still kinda stings, so this is kind of out of left field.

– We have no friends in common, and the friends of hers that I have met I suspect don’t care for me.

– She’s younger than me (23 vs 30) and still parties really hard while my blackout drunk days are behind me.

My question is this:

How do I turn down her party idea politely and suggest maybe we do something else like just go get drinks and grab dinner or something just the two of us without coming across as having any kind of romantic overtures to the idea?

I legitimately just want to have a platonic hang out and I’m worried that if I turn down a bigger party with lots of drunk people I don’t know or really like in lieu of a situation that means more to me like “how about just the two of us” will seem like I’m trying to make a move.

– Kautious in Kaouhsiung

DEAR KAUTIOUS IN KAOUHSIUNG:

I think I need a little more information, KiK. My first question is “how close are you two?” The way you phrase things makes it sound like you haven’t seen much of each other since you had your brief flirtation. That alone raises a few questions for me. But the fact that you also have no friends in common or overlapping social circles is what really makes my Spidey-sense tingle. I don’t think she’s planning anything untoward or malicious, but it’s a little weird to want to throw a farewell party for you when you haven’t exactly been seeing each other in months. I suspect that this is less of a “party” and more just excuse to see you before you go. Maybe she wants to make up for having ghosted on you for so long. Maybe she just really wants a last chance to hang with you before you’re gone for good. Who knows?

That having been said, I don’t think you really need to worry about her taking things the wrong way if you suggest an alternate plan. As a general rule, there’s really nothing wrong with saying “Hey, I’m not really feeling like a party, maybe we can just get dinner instead?” While it’s possible that she would see this as an attempt to make a move, that’s not really your problem. You can’t really control how people interpret what you say; no matter how clearly or explicitly you say it, some people will always hear what they want to hear, regardless.

So if you don’t want a party, just tell her you don’t want a party and suggest some other ideas instead. Then just relax and enjoy this opportunity to see your friend before you leave, instead of getting hung up on “what if she thinks I’m trying to make a move?” Either she’ll recognize that this is a strictly platonic-hang-out from the jump… or she’ll figure it out when you, y’know, don’t hit on her.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 22 years old and horrible with women. A couple of years ago I stumbled upon the PUA/Redpill/Seduction community and it has caused me to become horribly depressed. What I read on the Internet tells me, that the kind of relationship I would like to have does not exist.

I want a girlfriend/wife, who wants me because of who I am and not because of the person I “act to be”. I’m not an alpha. I respect women and want a girlfriend who respect me as well. The internet tells me all these things. I shouldn’t make her my priority, I shouldn’t give her too much attention, I shouldn’t make her “feel secure” and “be ready to walk out at any minute”. I don’t want that. I want a girlfriend who is also my best friend. If she is wearing a gorgeous dress, I want to tell her how beautiful she looks in it. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her how much she means to me.

According to the internet, thats “so beta”. After reading PUA/Dating advice blogs, I’m horribly depressed about the “fact” that I will never have the kind of relationship I want. I want a stable, long lasting relationship but that seems almost impossible to have nowadays. At some point I want to be able to say: “This is it. This is a woman I can imagine spending my life with. I’m done dating.”. Now, I don’t believe that there is THE ONE I need to find. I’m sure there are millions of possible partners that I could be happy with. But I want only one of them and be happy for a long time. I don’t care about sex all that much and spending time together talking, cuddling, doing stuff together is way more important to me.

If you’ve got some advice for me, please help me! I beg you to help me. My counselor doesn’t really seem to understand where I’m coming from, but maybe you do.

Beta Testing

DEAR BETA TESTING: Beta, dude. It’s ok. You’re dealing with what’s known as a false dichotomy – the idea that you have only two options. In this case, you’re being told that you can take the Red Pill or… you can die alone and unloved. I’m here to tell you: that’s bulls

t. That’s seven different kinds of bulls

t from cholera-infected bulls.

We’ll leave aside things like my site and just stick to some basic stuff here: people’ve been loving, dating and mating for the length of human history; long before Ross Jeffries started his Speed Seduction website, before Mystery put on his hat and long before folks like Heartist and RooshV went around telling people that the best way to get laid is through emotional abuse and date rape, and long, long before people completely misunderstood the point of the blue pill/red pill choice in The Matrix. You can toss a rock at random and hit five couples who are loving and affectionate, who cuddle and talk and are generally disgustingly sweet to one another. And then you’ll have to apologize for hitting them with a rock, but hey, one thing at a time.

The issue you’re having is that you’re reading a lot of crap. You’ve got folks selling you s

t and telling you it’s ice cream over and over again, whether it’s subreddits or PUA blogs or whatever and seeing the same things over and over again. A lot of it sounds similar to many of the messages that guys’ve been drowning in for decades. And to be fair: much of it is written in a compelling fashion; pretty much everybody out there’s using a lot of the same sales techniques to get you to feel like they are the Way and The Light.

(We will pause here to appreciate the irony.)

It’s not really surprising that it’s leading you to feel like this is the only way, especially if you keep seeing the same bulls

t repeated from several different sources. Repeat something often enough and it starts to sink in.

The thing is: the fact that lots of people are saying something doesn’t necessarily make it true. You can fall down enough rabbit holes that’ll be happy to tell you that the Earth is flat, that trees don’t actually exist, that chemtrails alter our minds and that the Illuminati is behind Beyonce. Read enough of them for long enough and you’re likely to think that they may have a point too. But if you step away for, oh, five minutes, long enough to get a beer from the fridge, you’ll realize how pants-on-head-insane it all is.

The best thing you can do right now? Quit reading those sites and blogs. Take a long, brain-clearing vacation from dating advice sites – mine too, if you really feel the need. Go out, hang out with your friends, catch a matinee of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, enjoy some fresh air and just exist for a bit. Don’t think about dating or debunked pseudoscientific ideas about alpha/beta behavior for… a weekend at least. Maybe a long weekend. Watch how much your mood changes when you’re not constantly submerging yourself in this.

Afterwards? Well, I hope you come back here at least, because I like to think my dating philosophy lines up more with yours. Check out my books; I worked pretty hard to make them a more positive read for folks instead of telling them that the key to getting laid is manipulation.

And quit reading PUA and RedPill blogs. They’re just not healthy for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been following your website for years and it helped me a lot. I’m not writing about relationship but about self motivation. I am currently attending one of the best art school in the country under some of the best teachers. Recently I have been unhappy with my work and felt even worse after a brutalizing class critic. The next day the same teacher, who is a renowned artist and often helps kick start her students career, posted on her facebook and instagram how amazing her other students are. This was seen by hundred of people. I love what I’m doing and don’t ever want to give up on my art career but I’m stuck in a “you’re useless and you’ll never make it” loop which is effecting my work quality. Please help me, what can I do to believe in myself and get out of my own head.

Wrapped in a Burrito of Self Loathing

DEAR WRAPPED IN A BURRITO OF SELF-LOATHING:

Hoo boy, I’ve been there, WBSL.

Back in the day, when I was trying to be a comic artist, I didn’t do so well with some (many) of my professors in the art department. I was an illustrator surrounded by fine artists; worse, I was a comic artist. And this was in the 90s, before comics caught on with the mainstream. One teacher told me that she would rather see me cut my fingers off with tin-snips than call myself an artist.

(I told her she wouldn’t know good art if it bit her on the ass and sang ten rounds of “‘enry the ‘eighth” to the tune of “I’m good art”. The look on her face made the practice worth it. Not coincidentally, I became an English major the next day.)

You are going to have to deal with a lot of discouragement as an artist. Much of it will be self-inflicted; you’re going to look at other people and think “holy s

t, I’m never going to be as good as them.” Other times, you’re going to look at your own art and think “what the f

k was I thinking? How could I ever have believed this was worth bringing to light at all?”

After I graduated from college and got settled into my groove, I started hanging around with the local artist community and holy hopping sheep s

t, almost everyone was way better than me. And when I started working on A Scanner Darkly… well f

k me sideways but I was surrounded by people who kicked my artistic ass up one side and down the other. And let me tell you: this group included folks who’ve gone on to be rockstar artists at Marvel, DC, Bioware and a host of other success stories. Believe me: you would recognize some of the names. As hard as it was to look at their art and not feel like I was the world’s biggest fraud, I learned to let them inspire me. There was nothing quite like looking at some of my friends work and thinking “well hell, I need to kick my stuff up a notch” and trying to learn everything I could from their examples.

And then there’s the criticism. If you’re going to be a creative of any type and put your work in front of others, you have to be ready for criticism. No matter how good you are or aren’t, folks are going to have opinions. And sometimes hearing those opinions can be brutal. Sometimes it will make you want to dig yourself a nice deep hole, jump in and pull the hole in after you.

But you can survive that criticism. Start by asking yourself: how much of it is valid? Are they talking s

t because they think ragging on someone’s work is a way of showing how cool you are? Or do they have some legitimate advice, however inartfully given? I remember doing a portfolio critique with Jim Valentino of Image Comics that left me feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch; he ripped my art a series of new a

holes, one after the other. But as much as it stung to hear… dude was right. I had a lot of growing to do as an artist, and I was nowhere near ready. Once I could take my ego out of it and my reflexive “screw you, you don’t know what you’re talking about”, I could see what he was saying. And as much as it sucked… I needed to take his advice, dig in and work my cute little butt off.

So now that you’ve had some distance from that brutal critique, take some time. Assess it. See how much is useful. Take some of it to heart and experiment. Go back and rework some of the fundamentals.

Meanwhile, talk to your teacher. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little assistance; it’s a hell of a lot more productive than hoping that they’ll take notice of you and give you a boost. Tell them that you’re having a hard time with some of your work, that you really admire their work and could use some direction or advice.

(Remember: a little ass-kissing never hurt. Just a little.)

Even if it’s just some exercises you should try to stretch your creative muscles, any assistance they could give you would be greatly appreciated.

But in general, the biggest key to any artistic endeavor is persistence. Art is about practice and growth and time. Push yourself. Test your limits. Do things you’re scared of. Watch how it changes your art and forces you to grow as a creator. You may not make a living as an artist – most artists don’t, especially in this day and age. Hell, some of the greatest artists in history – Van Gough, most notably – were failures in their time. But if you love art? Let that love move you and inspire you and push you through these painful moments. Even if you’re just creating for yourself, let that love flow through you and it’ll bring you through some of the hardest times.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)