DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few years ago, I was at an extremely low point in my life. I’m a special education teacher in an elementary school (which is a great but emotionally draining job even at the best of times), and was dealing with the mess of making CPS reports regarding a couple of the children as well as training to support a student’s emerging medical issues while running a severely understaffed classroom. In addition, I was spending a lot of personal time watching a neighbor’s kids while she and her husband filed protective orders against the kids’ old babysitter, and the support those kids needed took an emotional toll as well. In addition, I was being stalked by a neighbor, as well as a man from church, both of whom I’d caught looking through my bedroom window on occasion and both of whom had been following me and making a lot of unwelcome, pushy advances. It was a stressful time.

One of my close friends, K, who knew everything that was going on, asked whether there was anything he could do for me. My school was starting Spring Break, and I asked if he would come hang out with me some time during the week. I have epilepsy and can’t drive, and since my neighbor had been following me when I went walking, I’d been avoiding going out and felt a little cut off from my friends. K agreed, cheerfully I thought, and told me he’d see me in a couple of days.

When the day we’d planned to hang out came, he sent a text to reschedule. On the day he rescheduled, he never showed. I called and sent a couple of texts, but he didn’t answer until the next afternoon, when he told me he’d been “dealing with stuff.”

I know people get busy. I’m not the only one who gets stressed! So I let it go. We stayed fairly friendly, although my physical and mental health were going downhill and I was a little less available. We still made time to talk once in a while and occasionally saw each other at the grocery store or the gym. We weren’t as close, but it was all good.

Then one night after a mutual friend’s birthday party, K casually mentioned that week and how he felt bad about flaking, but he had met a hot girl at the bar and “had to see how that would play out.” Apparently he’d sent her a few texts over the week, and had spent most of the week at home playing Xbox and waiting for her to reply (she never did).

Maybe it’s petty of me, but I was mad. That seems like a frivolous reason to blow off a friend under any circumstances, and I really needed some support at that time! I didn’t want to be needlessly dramatic, though, so I just said that I’d been pretty disappointed when he didn’t show up that night, and then ended the conversation quickly and headed home. After that, I’ve nearly stopped speaking to K. I’m polite when we see each other, but I make no effort to see or contact him and end our conversations as quickly as I can without being rude.

That last talk was two years ago, and I’m now totally indifferent both to what happened and to him. Since that night I’ve gotten more help in the classroom, moved to a safer area (those kids I was babysitting have really flourished in family counseling, by the way) and met and married my husband. Life is good. I am safe and happy.

Which is why it pissed me off to no end to hear that K is griping to people that my husband forced me to stop being friends with him. He claims my husband is too insecure to let me make my own choices. He’s hinted at possible abuse.

I don’t understand why he’s doing this. Maybe I was wrong to ask him to visit me, or wrong to be upset when he brushed me off cavalierly, but neither of those things are my husband’s fault! I know K doesn’t like the fact that my husband wears drag occasionally, but that doesn’t seem like something to make up abuse allegations over either. And the allegations are completely bogus. My husband is happy to spend time with my friends—but only the ones that I want to see.

So what gives? And what should I do?

Thanks,

Triflin’ Friend Indeed

DEAR TRIFLIN’ FRIEND INDEED: First of all, TFI, congratulations on getting help, helping those kids and getting to the point where you’re safe and happy. That’s huge!

Now let’s talk about K.

What gives is that K doesn’t seem to have ever had a moment of self-awareness in his life. Or, for that matter, that people don’t exist merely at his convenience. Ultimately, K doesn’t realize that he did anything wrong or why this might piss you off. And you have VERY good reasons to be annoyed at K, TFI.

The issue isn’t even the flaking, though that in and of itself is pretty selfish. The dude volunteered – offered, even – to help you at a time when you were in need and your safety was quite possibly in question. This isn’t quite “forgot he promised to give you a ride to the airport and now you’ve missed your flight” levels of “what the hell, dude” but his leaving you high and dry – AFTER rescheduling – is pretty awful of him.

It’d be one thing if his “dealing with stuff” was legit. Maybe there was a medical issue, maybe he was having a migraine, his brother was having a meltdown and he had to help… all of that would be understandable. It still sucked for you to be left high and dry, but s

t happens and the gods laugh at the arrogance of man making plans for the future. But the fact that he blew you off – not “wasn’t able to make it”, not “had responsibilities that superseded his promise”, blew you off – to wait with sandwiches by the phone for the POSSIBILITY of a text that tells you what you need to know about this dude.

(I mean, seriously: he’s waiting on a text. Unless you live in a cellular deadzone, dude could’ve received a text at your place as easily as his.)

But hey, we all make decisions. Nobody said they were good decisions. Decisions have consequences though, and his consequences include “F

k this guy and the mustache he rode in on”.

K seems to be the sort of person who is blithely unaware that other people might not see things his way, so when he deals with the fallout of his choices, he decides they can’t possibly be his fault. And since it can’t possibly be that you’d begrudge his right to try to bank-shot a hook-up with someone from the bar, it must be someone else’s fault. And the fact that his interpretation of events makes him the potential hero – the guy so cool and awesome that the jealous abusive husband must lock his wife away in a tower lest she be tempted by his manly vigor – well… that’s just gravy, innit?

What should you do? Well, honestly, unless these rumors are gaining traction somehow, I’d suggest just rolling your eyes at ’em and go about your life. But if he’s bringing it up to mutual friends of yours, airing them publicly on social media or otherwise causing people to side-eye your husband? That’s when it might be worth putting him on blast and dragging him for all to see.

It probably won’t change the narrative in K’s mind; it’s too easy for him to just decide that your husband “forced” you to say that. But at least it’ll put the truth out there, so everyone else’ll see what a s

tbird K’s being.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I are in our mid-30s have been together for 13 years. I love him dearly and we get along great. My life with him is truly the happiest I’ve ever been. We have no interest in getting married or having children as a personal choice, but are looking forward to having a long cohabitating life together. He’s truly a sweet, loving, and hard-working guy.

However, he isn’t financially responsible.

For a bit of context, I grew up in a low-income home and he was raised upper-middle class. We are currently a middle-class working couple in different careers, but make almost the same amount of money. We also live together in an apartment and share all of our bills equally. However, everything is in my name in order to ensure that everything is kept up with and paid on time. I wish I could share that burden of responsibility, but I can’t. I have retirement, non-retirement investment, and savings accounts. He does not. I have my financial paperwork generally organized and in one place. He does not. I occasionally check my account balances and credit score. He does not. When I make a big purchase, I do my research. He does not. I pay my expenses by the deadlines. He does not.

He’s not a lavish over-spender and has enough money to take better care of his finances, but just doesn’t care about it and neglects these (and other) responsibilities either entirely or until the last moment. Even when he faces consequences for his indifference (like losing $1500 because he forgot to fill out a piece of paperwork on time, has to pay late fees for expenses that could have been easily taken care of in advance, or loses his tax documents for the 4th year in a row and having to pay everything to be re-printed) he doesn’t make any changes, is completely unfazed, and makes the same mistakes over and over.

We’ve never argued about money, but I want to make sure we are protecting ourselves and each other. I’ve tried to talk with him about it a few times and find some solutions, but those conversations never go anywhere. He’s not mean or openly dismissive. He just doesn’t seem concerned or feel any urgency to make changes. This isn’t an issue that affects our day-to-day life, but it does come up sometimes.

What do you do when you care about someone, but they lack any desire to develop financial insight? Should I just let it go and focus on me while he hurts himself?

Bad Credit, No Credit, Big Problem

DEAR BAD CREDIT, NO CREDIT, BIG PROBLEM: So I’m going to be honest: this sounds more like a conflict in approaches to lifestyle than it does an actual relationship problem. From what you describe, the issues he has with, say, paying late fees or costing himself more money because of missing filing deadlines are inconveniences for him rather than issues that mean the difference between actually being able to pay the rent each month.

This isn’t to minimize your concern, BCNCBP: money and the stress that comes from dealing with finances is probably the single greatest cause of relationship strife out there. Whether it’s a significant imbalance in who’s contributing how much to the household finances, one partner blowing their cash from the joint checking account on lavish indulgences or simply dragging their partner’s credit into the mud, money ranks at the top trigger for break-ups, even beyond cheating and sexual incompatibility.

But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here, exactly. It sounds like you two haven’t co-mingled your finances, your boyfriend isn’t sponging off of you to live the lifestyle to which he intends to become accustomed and you’re not at risk for his tanking your credit score. Instead, it sounds like things are divided between “I wish he was a little more analytical” with things like big purchases and a desire to see him be more responsible with actually getting his bills paid on time.

That’s why I’m gonna be vulnerable here BCNCBP: I’m a little like your boyfriend. I’m not exactly the most organized guy you’re ever gonna find. I have a tendency to do the last-minute scramble when it comes to things like bills, taxes, important appointments…

(And I think I hear my editor very pointedly sending me that Douglas Adams quote about the sound deadlines make as they woosh by, even as I write this)

For me, this is because I have a nasty case of “out of sight, out of mind”. I’ll have a brief period of “ok, I’ve got to remember that I have to do X thing by Y time,” where I resolve that I’m going to get everything done exactly when it needs to be if not beforehand… and then I fall down the research rabbit hole because I suddenly had a shiny new idea that’s shoved everything else aside and occupies the entirety of my attention. My good intentions tend to fall by the wayside in a sort of benign neglect.

Now I’ve been lucky. The worst consequences I’ve faced have been the brief panic of “oh crap oh crap oh crap where is everything” or running out the door with coffee in one hand and a piece of toast shoved in my mouth as I realize I’ve got to make a 20 minute drive in 5 minutes. Not fun, exactly, but not terribly dire either. But I have had a few close calls that’ve been enough to make me try to find a system that works for me. And here’s what I’ve learned about dealing with issues like chronic tardiness with one’s bills:

Sometimes the path to success is the path of least resistance.

You can’t force someone to develop a sense of fiscal responsibility or switch their personality to match yours. You might get them to try something different for a little while, but they’re going to slide back into old habits the moment that you aren’t there to constantly reinforce the change. All that’s going to do is cause annoyance and resentment on both sides.

What you CAN do, however, is help set things up to work with and around your boyfriend’s flaws. Since the issue here is that your boyfriend is just bad with due dates, rather than being chronically short on cash, you can help him set things up so he can’t not be late. So it’s time for some better living through technology and outsourcing some of life’s repetitive annoyances to digital assistance. First, start with automating everything you can. One of humanity’s greatest inventions is being able to set up automatic recurring payments. Setting things up to, say, have the utilities company charge your (the generic “you”, not YOU, BCNCBP) credit card every month helps make sure that you’re never going to be in danger of the electricity being shut off.

Those same automated charges and options mean that you and your boyfriend can set things up so that he’s less likely to be late on the bills.

If you want to make sure he’s always getting his share of the rent and utilities to you on time without nagging him, you can set up recurring monthly transfers via his bank, PayPal or Venmo. This helps ensure that he holds up his end of the arrangement without your having to feel like the nagging, shrewish killjoy who’s always dumping on her partner’s good time.

Similarly, you can set up automated systems to help do things like “keeping his financial documents in the same space”. If he can arrange to go paper-free and get electronic delivery of his important forms, then you can set up filters on his email that will direct those files to specific folders, helping cut down on the last minute scramble or having to contact people to get new copies of important documents.

And for those appointments, deadlines or other events that tend to float in one ear and out the other? Set up recurring – and annoying – reminders in a calendar app, preferably one that syncs across all his devices. Quite possibly in triplicate. Having notifications repeatedly pop up to remind him that he has to be at X place at Y time helps cut through the distractions and keep his responsibilities at the forefront.

It isn’t a perfect system to be sure, and it requires some dedicated time to set it up and make sure he understands where all the various gears and levers are… but it’s worked out pretty well for me. It may well work out for him.

But otherwise? Yeah, unfortunately, this is going to be a price-of-entry issue for the relationship. You’re a little more rigorous than he is, and that’s unlikely to change. If you don’t want to take on a secondary job as his financial advisor – and that’s not your responsibility – then there’s not much to be done. You can help him set things up to mitigate his absent-mindedness, but at the end of the day, he’s the only one who can decide if he wants to do things differently. Thankfully, the consequences have been annoying, rather than disastrous. Hopefully that’s an annoyance you can live with.

Just make sure you don’t put yourself in the position where his lack of responsibility drags you down with him.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (19/m) recently confessed my crush to an online friend (21/f).

For about 4 years now I’ve been very close to a friend of mine online. In fact, we’ve been so close that I’ve had a crush on her for 3 of those years. Even when I had a relationship with someone else, the feelings kept surfacing no matter how hard I tried to push them away.

After I broke up with my then girlfriend, I felt the intense need to finally tell my crush how I had felt about her. I waited a few months to do this, since I didn’t want to  just jump into it after a break up. Of course, I was hoping for a positive outcome, but I ultimately didn’t mind if she didn’t want to pursue a relationship. I just wanted to be honest about how I felt about her. 

Her response consisted of asking me how long I felt that way, a lot of awkward stumbling (I was much the same in the matter), and saying that while she felt really REALLY happy,  she didn’t think anyone would ever like her, and that she didn’t want to jump into things without thinking it over for a few days. I was totally ok with this.

Now it’s been over a month. We still talk daily, exactly as we did before I told her. I’ve tried to talk to her about things, but it’s always met with silence, and a subject change. The closest I’ve ever gotten was an “I still don’t know”.

I’ve stopped trying to talk about it, because I don’t want to be an asshole who keeps trying to shove her into an uncomfortable situation. But it’s getting to me emotionally and hitting my anxiety. I suppose I just want closure, a yes or no instead of this radio silence I’ve been getting.

At this point, I understand that it’s a no, and I can accept that. My best guess is that she doesn’t want to risk hurting my feelings or making things weird; though I’m not actually sure of course.

I guess in the end I’m asking “What do I do about that?”. Do I simply leave the subject matter alone and accept it? Or would it be better to force the conversation to happen? I feel like a massive asshole in this situation overall honestly.

– Just Want an Answer

DEAR JUST WANT AN ANSWER: Before we get to your question, JWA, I want to point out what you did wrong here: you made the classic mistake of just confessing your crush, and leaving it at that. While there’s a lot of stories in pop-culture where people confess their crushes on people, in practice it’s probably the worst way you can go about it. Not because there’s anything wrong with having a crush on someone, or even acting on it, but because all you’re doing is dropping this information in their lap like a cat bringing it’s owner a dead mouse. When somebody just confesses their feelings, what they’re saying is “OK, here’s this information… now what are you going to do with it?” That puts the other person in the incredibly awkward position of having to decide how they feel and how to respond. In a very real way, it’s putting the onus on them to decide the future of your relationship, which is a hell of a lot of pressure when they may have never even thought about it before.

This is why my general rule of thumb is that, rather than confess your feelings, the best move is to ask them on a date. It doesn’t have to be terribly elaborate or profound, just “hey, I really dig you and I’d love to take you on a date; how would you like to go do $COOL_THING on $SPECIFIC_DAY?” This is a much lower – and more reasonable – ask than simply telling someone “hey, I have feelings for you”; a date isn’t an invitation to reconsider an entire relationship, it’s an entry level exploration of whether there’s any chemistry or interest.

Now granted, this is more difficult when you’re dealing with a strictly online relationship. It’s a little hard to propose a date when you haven’t even met, nevermind don’t live in the same city (or within a reasonable distance of one another). But I’ve written before about online only relationships, but the short version is: if you haven’t met in person, then you’re not dating. No matter how well you may know somebody or how much chemistry you have in text or even in Skype, none of this guarantees chemistry when you meet in person.

So while I don’t doubt that she’s an important person in your life… declaring your love for her is honestly a little premature.

(And honestly? I don’t think you’re an asshole. You’re just young and enthusiastic and you took the route that was a little less than perfect and that’s ok.)

But hey, that’s all for the next time this issue comes up. Your question is what do you do now?

And the answer is… nothing. I mean, I hate to tell you this chief, but you got your answer. You already know that. Hell, you said that yourself: this is the definition of a “soft no”. She doesn’t want to say anything because honestly, she doesn’t want to make things any more awkward than they already are. There’s not really anything else to say, and your bringing it up just makes it more uncomfortable.The best thing you can do is accept that she’s not interested in you that way. And hey, that’s a damn shame; it always kinda sucks when the people we have feelings for don’t return them. But the fact that she doesn’t love you the way you’d prefer doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you as best she can. Being her friend may not be what you hoped for, but that friendship is pretty damn awesome.

Were I you, I’d just take the “no, thank you” and move on. If you do need to say anything… well, the best thing is to say “hey, I realize things are a little awkward right now, but I want you to know, it’s all good and I’m willing to power through the awkward if you are.” And then just drop the subject. If she ever wants to talk about it, she’ll let you know.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few weeks ago I wrote in about my friend Sarah. Taking your advice, I scheduled a trip with her last month and made it a point that we had to talk about us.

I'm happy to report that both the trip and conversation were a success. We agreed that we both had developed feelings for each other over the time spent together but we each had held our tongues for similar reasons. She confirmed she had caught the feels and was thinking about what it would be like to get serious, but when her family member unexpectedly passed away it threw her life into disarray and she realized our lives weren't going in similar directions - which I agreed with. We agreed it was best to remain friends and she encouraged me to get active dating. I wished her all the best as she continues to deal with the family issues at home and reminded her that she has friends here that care for her. As for the trip itself we had a blast and continued to be physical.

I have mixed feelings about the outcome of course but recognize it is for the best. We remain close friends and we're staying in touch. I want to thank you and the community for the comments which encouraged me to finally get the closure with Sarah.

Currently, I'm back in therapy. Even with the confidence I gained from my time with Sarah it's not enough to calm my nerves and get comfortable around people. I still need to work the anxiety that continues to hold me back from actively dating. The work continues.

Hanging By The Telephone

DEAR HANGING BY THE TELEPHONE: Thanks for letting us know how things were going. I’m glad that your trip was a success, even if it wasn’t necessarily the outcome you’d been hoping for.

In the meantime, you’re on the right track: taking care of yourself and working on your anxiety issues is absolutely the correct choice.

It ain’t glamorous or even terribly fun… but by the end, you’ll be in a much better place. And, even better: you’ll be ready when you find another opportunity for love and connection.

You’ve got this HTBT.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)