DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband (to whom I have been married for nine years) and I haven’t had sex for more than two and a half years.  When the dearth began, it seemed mutual.  Our physical connection had never been strong, and he was highly interested in his hobbies (mostly watching movies and television).  Because our connection had not been strong, I didn’t mind a short break.  I just never dreamed it would last as long as it has.  It is looking as though I will never have sex again, barring an affair or a divorce.  (We do not plan to get a divorce, not so much “for the sake of the children,” but because we both wish to remain an intact family with those children.  We like our family life, appreciate each other’s co-parenting, and could not afford to live separately.)

I have known for longer than the length of this dry spell that my husband is a porn user.  I never liked it, but I also didn’t predict that it would cause an absolute end to our sex life.  The very young women featured in his preferred porn look nothing like me;  however, his choice does, at least, indicate that he is heterosexual, and I was under the impression that very many men managed to enjoy porn and also have sex in real life.

My husband is highly apologetic for his inability to have renewed interest in sex.  I remain confused about his absolute lack of sex drive.  His testosterone was somewhat low when tested a few years ago, and it probably became lower with age.  However, it seems to be the case that his interest in porn is deep, but sporadic.  He is trying to quit because he says it is a bad use of his time and he feels bad and dirty about it;  he is politically progressive and does not (intellectually/politically) support the porn industry.  He can go a month or two without using, but when he does use it, he maintains a real web presence about it, sharing with other men on various social media sites.  He has a screen name and a persona.  I would normally think that someone with such a deep interest in porn would, after denying himself for a few weeks, be willing to try real-life sex, as an alternative to nothing.

Based on what you know of men, sex, and porn, does this add up?  I keep wondering if there is a reason for his reluctance that he is not telling me.  I can see that he is lacking the vitality and lustfulness I have seen in other men.  In a way, it is believable that he has no libido.  Why, then, the very strong interest in porn?

FWIW, I spent the first half of this year trying to press the issue, by forcing him into a discussion that he strongly resisted.  I then decided to seek therapy (just for myself), and through self work, I have reached a level of acceptance.  I have learned to be nice about it.  His answer is “no,” and I no longer press for discussion.  I am largely focusing on other areas of my life, with the idea in the back of my mind that I will treat myself to a discreet affair once per decade until I am so old that it is impossible.  That’s at least three affairs, if I maintain The Golden Girls as my inspiration.  (I could have up to five if I channel my inner Sophia.)

I understand that you will not be able to endorse my plans for infidelity.  Can you, though, offer insight into my husband’s sexuality?

Yours truly,

Puzzled Over Porn

DEAR PUZZLED OVER PORN: There’re a few things to keep in mind when it comes to people and their porn consumption, PoP. The first is that the porn they’re watching isn’t necessarily the sex they want to have or the people they want to have it with. One of the quirks of the human psyche is that we’re novelty-seeking creatures. We get a dopamine rush from new experiences… including new sexual partners. This is part of why that initial passion tends to wane over the course of a long-term relationship; our brains don’t get the same rush of feel-good chemicals that they do with a brand-new partner. For many people, porn is how they feed that desire for novelty without necessarily cheating on their partner. While they certainly wouldn’t say no to a night with the cast of My Sister’s Hot Friend, that doesn’t mean that’s who they’d rather be banging. It just (usually) means “in addition to…”

Similarly, the TYPE of porn is often less of a “this is what I’d rather have” as much as “this is also something I like”. For a lot of folks, porn is how they explore fantasies they may have that they wouldn’t want to actually replicate in real life.

Now someone call Sir Mixx-A-Lot ‘cuz there’s a big but coming.

BUT…

I don’t think the problem is that your husband’s libido has waned or that he’s gotten addicted to porn or that his testosterone is low – which actually has far less to do with . As much as I hate to say this, I think the issue isn’t that he’s not interested in sex. I think the issue is that he isn’t interested in sex with you.

Like you said: the two of you never had a strong sexual connection to begin with. That’s a pretty good indicator that, in all likelihood, the two of you were not sexually compatible to begin with… or even that attracted to one another, for that matter. And while it’s possible to muscle through a fundamental lack of attraction, especially in the beginning when it’s all still new and exciting, there’s going to come a point where, frankly, it’s harder work up the desire for an even half-hearted roll in the hay. Certainly not when it’s easier to just crank one out in front of XHamster.

And if he’s just not that into you… well, there really is no amount of couple’s therapy, pole dancing classes or sexy lingerie that’s gonna bring that back. At best, talking with a couple’s counselor will get him to a point where he could actually admit to what’s going on… but that also means upending his life in ways that he (and you) don’t want.

Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t think you two shouldn’t talk to a counselor… I just think your goals should be slightly different. I’m not a fan of “staying together for the kids”, to be honest; more often than not, this actually is more harmful to the children than divorce would be. Kids aren’t dumb; they can tell when things aren’t right in the family, and they do better when their parents are actually happy. And that means even if they’re happy with different partners, respectively. But if you’re going to stay together, then I think your goal when talking to a counselor shouldn’t be trying to rekindle an extinguished fire.

It should be about finding an arrangement that works for the both of you.

If your husband truly isn’t interested in you any more, then it makes more sense to negotiate the potential of an open or non-monogamous relationship than it does to go sneaking around behind his back. Not having to sneak makes it easier for you to get your needs met, and with less risk to the relationship; just because someone isn’t into you doesn’t mean that an affair can’t damage things. Plus: it means that you could get action more than just once a decade.

So do yourself a favor, PoP: find yourself a sex-positive marriage counselor. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory on their site that can help you find a counselor in your area. Have a few sessions with them and then do your due diligence by checking out Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell. Hopefully you and your husband can find an arrangement that works for both of you… and your kids.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m having trouble dealing with the various impulses between my relationship, my career, my balls and my mind.

For a timeline: I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months now. Due to some family divorce and job relocation circumstances, we’re basically living together now and have signed a year lease.

One on one, she’s very fun to be around. We’re both flirty and weird with each other, are very experimental in bed and love doing adventurous things together. When I’m with her alone, it feels like nothing else matters; we’re literally like children together most nights. Her character and personality are admirable: she’s made me aware of my own shortcomings, has taught me the value of constructing a shared narrative with someone I trust and her optimism is contagious. However there are two triggering situations which make me rethink my dating situation:

Firstly, I constantly see pictures of other girls and feel like I’m settling. I will admit there are definitely angles and clothing and lifestyle changes which she works to her advantage, but sometimes it really doesn’t feel like enough. She’s acutely aware of me feeling this way, as I’m bad at hiding emotions, and blames my feelings on the whole ‘Tinder generation’ if there always being something better. She may have a point, but to what degree should I suppress this urge?

Second, to add fuel to the ego fire, I recently got a big job promotion and will be in sales. It’s a difficult enough job as it is, where I’ll have to be focused and sophisticated with my social interactions, but it also gives me a huge ego boost. I feel that the money, status and opportunities I’ll be presented with will be continue feeding the beast within me that desperately wants all the spoils life has to offer, which would contradict a monogamous relationship. I’m 24, and while I’ve screwed many girls already, I’ve become such a higher quality individual and feel I deserve more.

Can you help me understand if this is something many guys feel? If so, how long will it be before I can’t take it anymore? In the meantime, what can I do to keep myself satisfied with her?

Thanks a lot for reading,

Settling Down or Settling For?

DEAR SETTLING DOWN OR SETTLING FOR: Alright SDSF, I’m gonna be blunt: it sounds to me like you’re looking for a reason to dump her without feeling bad about it. And if that’s the case, then yes, you should break up with her. For her sake, not yours.

I mean Christ dude, you’re already hurting her. The fact that you’ve been conveying the message of “You’re great but I think I could do better” is a pretty awful thing to do to somebody you care for, even if she’s blaming it on “the Tinder generation” and not your having an eye out for the newer, hotter model.

So straight talk: yes, you’re settling. It doesn’t matter who you date, whether it’s your current girlfriend or some unspeakably hot Instagram model: you’re always going to be settling. This is because nobody gets everything that they want in a relationship. There are always going to things that you are going to have to let go of to be in a relationship with somebody. It may be accepting that the person you’re dating isn’t as sexually adventurous as you’d like and so there won’t be any threesomes or sex clubs in your future together. It may be that they’re not a bikini model and instead are a lovely but-not-unearthly-gorgeous person. It may be that they’re unspeakably beautiful but aren’t ambitious or don’t have much intellectual curiosity or won’t do monogamy. There are always going to be tradeoffs when you commit to a relationship with someone; you have to recognize that what you do get is so amazing that it more than makes up for the fact that you’re not getting those other things.

Now going by that metric, it sounds like your girlfriend more than meets that standard. You describe all the ways that things are great… except for the fact that she doesn’t quite stroke your ego as arm candy. And look my dude, I’m not gonna say that you’re obligated to date her or anyone to prove that you’re not shallow, but if the problem you’re having is that you’re worried she’s not hot enough to impress your friends then that’s a you problem, not a her problem.

The other thing is that you’re doing something I’ve seen a lot of guys do in your position: you’re throwing away happiness you do have for the potential of getting something better – something that’s not guaranteed by any stretch of the imagination. You’ve gotten the promotion and salary bump but that doesn’t automatically translate to “and now I have access to hotter women.” You’re going to be the same person you are now, with the same social skills. If the only difference is that you’ll be talking to people who’re more impressed by money or status… well, great, but you’ll mostly be attracting people who are into money or status. And speaking strictly for myself, if someone’s only interested in a version of me that’s exactly the same but with larger digits in my bank balance, that’s someone I’d rather not be dating.

In fact, many times the same guys who’ve been in your position and put aside their current relationships in order to “trade up” (as it were) have come to regret it; even if they date someone who’s physically hotter or more ego-polishing, they still recognize that it doesn’t make up for what they lost in the process.

But hey, if you think you deserve more, then that’s your call chief. But I can tell you now that that aspect of things is going to make it impossible for you to “keep yourself satisfied with her.” If you want to stay with her, then what you need to do is start actually appreciating what you have, how she makes you feel and what she brings to this relationship and worrying less about the proverbial two in the bush. The more you can focus on what you enjoy about your relationship with her and the more grateful you can be for what you have, the more satisfied you’ll be.

But if you’re always saying “you’re great, but I think I could do better,” then all you’re doing is condemning your relationship and her emotions to a death by a thousand cuts. At which point, you’d be better off just breaking her heart now instead of slowly bleeding it dry over time; at least that way she’ll have a chance to get over you quicker and with less unnecessary pain.

And it’s like the sage once said:there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ’em just cheat on you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wrote to you back in April before about how my and my husband’s sex-life had cratered after the birth of our child. In case you’re interested, I thought I’d let you know that your advice was so helpful. We had our Awkward Conversation and I learned that almost losing me and our child had really done a number on him, and he was still working through that. We’ve talked to a counselor a little.

As part of that process, he admitted that he’s been in near constant mouth pain since shortly after the baby was born. He has now gotten some major dental work done (wisdom teeth removed, cavities filled, and gum disease treated) and not being in constant pain has definitely also helped.

Things still aren’t perfect, but they are a whole lot better. Thank you.

Doing Better In Seattle

DEAR DOING BETTER IN SEATTLE: Hey, thanks for letting us know how you’ve been doing, DBIS! Glad to hear things have improved, especially since it means that your husband is no longer dealing with serious constant pain! Congratulations on the work the two of you have put in and having the courage to talk things out, and I hope things continue to improve for you both!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in my early 20s, female, and at university. I’m short, kinda chubby, and more-than-kind-of a nerd. From a young age, I’ve wanted to be in a romantic relationship. Had a few long-term crushes through middle school, but nothing ever came to fruition. I figured it was just the small school, and that when I got to high school I would have more options and more opportunities. But I had the same issue, only this time I wasn’t single. I ended up dating a guy because I thought that was what you were supposed to do, regardless if you liked him or not. He was horrible but I dated him for seven months, while I had a crush on someone else. The following year, I realized I was bisexual and fell for my best friend. She was kind, but firmly rejected me; we are still best friends to this day. So I graduate, move on to college and I meet a guy I really think could be “the one”. We had an incredible connection with intense flirting and I thought that this was finally going to be the relationship I’ve wanted, but then I find out he’s been pursuing someone else and they end up together.

Since then, dating has been a huge drag. More times than not, I’ll meet someone who’s already infatuated with me for all of the wrong reasons and have to break up with them or I’ll meet someone who I really like and think might be good for me and get turned down. For a while, I thought maybe it was my weight or looks, but I see plenty of girls who look like me in happy, long-term relationships. I’ve asked my friends multiple times to tell me what I’m doing wrong and they always say “nothing, you’re perfect”. I’ve been on-and-off online dating for the past two years, but 99% of people I match with are either lewd, dull, or homophobic. The other 1% never messages back.

A recent development pushed me to write this letter. In order to help him recover from a bad relationship, my good friend of five years and I both redownloaded Tinder. We’re very similar people; both of us have problems with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. When we first downloaded the app and started using it, we noticed that I was getting way more people swiping right on me. By the end of the two weeks, I had over 50 matches and he had six. I’ve been on a few dates and nothing has really come of it; the same problems I’ve had before persisted. He went on his first Tinder date ever last night and I’m pretty sure he met his soulmate. At this point, I have nowhere else mentally to turn. If it’s not my appearance and it’s not my mental issues then what is it that makes me so unattractive to the people I’ve liked? I feel like I’ve been making enormous social strides but I don’t even leave these dates with a friend, let alone a partner. Please Doc, tell me what I’m doing wrong.

Sincerely,

Loveless Murphy’s Law

DEAR LOVELESS MURPHY’S LAW: Here’s something advice columnists aren’t supposed to tell you, LML: sometimes there’s not really a lot to be done. We’re supposed to have magic insight and actionable advice, but the fact is that sometimes the issue has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that life sucks sometimes. To quote the sage: you can commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness. That’s life.

And the truth is that dating often involves a factors that are completely outside of your control. A lot of times, the difference between finding someone incredible and another date to nowhere is just a matter of chance and timing. You may have closed your dating app just as Mr. Right was logging in. You may have met someone awesome, but not at a time when you or they were in a place where they could date. Just as with blackjack, you can influence the odds as much as you can, but chance still controls the outcome.

The key is that you can’t take it personally. It’s hard, I realize. It’s really goddamn difficult to look at all these happy couples and wonder what’s wrong with you. But you’re not seeing what you think you’re seeing. You’re not seeing the whole picture; you’re just seeing a tiny fraction of what they’ve gone through to get where they are – and that’s before we factor in whether they’re actually a happy couple.

It seems like they don’t have to struggle the way that you have because you’re comparing their highlight reel to your unedited footage. It’s all a matter of perspective.  Anybody can look like a massive success if you only see the end-point, not the whole journey.

But their success – real or perceived – doesn’t have anything to do with you. They’re all on their own journey and living entirely different lives. The fact that your friend found a soulmate is good for him, but it has nothing to do with you. For all the similarities you have, he’s living a different story than you. He’s going to have completely different experiences than you because he’s not you.

The key is to remember how much of this is out of your hands and focus on what you can control. You may not be able to force the universe to give you what you want, but you can set yourself up for success. You do what you can in terms of your presentation and putting yourself out there and meeting the right people, and then… you roll with what life gives you.

Some days it won’t come easy. Some days it won’t come hard. And there will be days when it doesn’t come at all. You may need to take breaks to rebuild your strength. That’s fine. Take a break. Love will be waiting for you when you’re ready to give it another try.

It won’t be simple or easy… but nobody ever said that it would be. They just said that it would be worth it.

I’ve seen plenty of people who’ve been in your exact position, LML. They had the exact same problems, the same sense of despair and the fear that they’d be forever alone.

And I’ve been to their weddings.

Hang in there.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)