DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem that basically boils down to “unfortunately this guy I’m seeing hasn’t found your books and columns yet,” but of course the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in several medium to long term relationships. I’ve mostly met men online for the past several years, because I like the convenience and lack of ambiguity that you get from a dating site. Finding dates is not a problem, but after spending a long time playing the field and getting to know what really works for me in a relationship, for the past couple of years I’ve been trying to focus on finding someone awesome to build a life with. I’ve got a great career and friends, own my home, have hobbies and interests– I’ve spent a lot of time reading advice from columnists like you, Captain Awkward, Dear Sugar, and Ask Polly, and all of that has helped me become the kind of person I’d like to date! I’m always a work in progress, but I like who I’ve become. I’ve struggled to find that kind of “whole package” in a guy, especially one who wants to commit.

Now I’ve met someone who has tons of potential. He’s got a cool career in a field adjacent to mine (so we already have a lot in common), he’s not 100% my type physically (I like tattoos and glasses, he’s more of a polo shirt and khakis fella) but I do find him attractive and we have good chemistry. He’s liberal and nerdy and doesn’t want kids, just like me. He’s tall and kind and great to cuddle, and he smells fantastic. But there’s just something missing and I don’t know how to really articulate it, let alone find it.

We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month but he’s definitely talking about a future and I can tell he’s very into me. One of the nice things that came from my years of dating around is that I’m pretty good at telling the difference between a guy who’s trying to be a player (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and a guy who’s very sincere. This guy is sincere af and wants to settle down. And I don’t want to hurt him or waste his time by stringing him along if I’m not going to be able to go all in; I think he deserves better than that.

So what’s making me hesitate? There’s some kind of initiative or assertiveness or joie de vivre that’s missing, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it. Like, he feels like he’s overweight, but he doesn’t work out. He has a dog that’s completely untrained, to the point where she bit me the first time I met her and taking her out in public is iffy, but he hasn’t taken her to obedience classes or tried to train her. He seems content to do whatever I suggest, but he doesn’t take the initiative to come up with cool date ideas. He doesn’t show any particular enthusiasm for… like, anything, to be honest. He’s not NEGATIVE, and he clearly has likes and dislikes, but he just seems sort of placid and meh about things, even things he’s into. He’s smart and not humorless, but I wouldn’t call him witty or sharp, and nothing makes my heart sing like quick banter and bad puns. The sex is nice, but he doesn’t seem lusty, if that makes sense. There’s no edge to him, I guess. And I’m at the point where I know that an edge is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship, but the total lack of it will eventually drive me nuts.

I know, after all this time out there dating, that the guys who grab my heart are the ones who are confident and engaged with the world and enthusiastic, and I know I’m not unique in that. A lot of the self-improvement things you suggest for guys would be great in helping this dude become someone I’d want to be with for the long haul, but I know what a terrible idea it is to date someone with the intention of trying to change them. He has so much potential, though! I know I’ve said that twice now, but it’s true. And I know he would be really sad if I broke things off, but telling him how I feel seems cruel. Is there some kind of script you can suggest for helping him find that vitality that would make me want to become more invested? Should I just leave him alone so he can find a nice girl who will like him the way he is? It seems like such a waste to walk away from a guy I genuinely like who is so close to what I want and who’s so into me, but I know from experience that you can’t change someone. They have to want to change. And maybe he doesn’t! If he was a house, he’d be a fixer-upper and I’d be happy to put in the time. But houses don’t have feelings and people do.

I’m at a loss here. Any words of wisdom?

–This is a Relationship, Not HGTV

DEAR THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP, NOT HGTV:There’s a surprisingly common genre of questions to advice columns, especially columnists who handle dating questions: the “our relationship is perfect BUT” question. It follows the same pattern every single time: the letter writer goes on for at least a paragraph about how happy they are, how great their partner is and how much they appreciate everything about their relationship… and then comes the “but”. And somebody needs to call Sir Mixx-A-Lot because it’s almost always one huge but – one that inevitably nullifies everything that just came before. Sometimes it’s a case of a massive how-the-hell-have-you-ignored-this deal-breaker. Other times, it’s a case of the relationship missing some intensely important component. Like an engine missing a critical screw or nut, the relationship may be able to chug along for a while… but at some point, the whole thing is going to come apart, messily and all over the place.

Such is the case here, TRNHGTV. You’ve got a great guy who hits enough of your must-haves that you’re willing to consider him for long-term potential.

BUT.

In this case, it’s that while he’s got a lot going for him he’s missing not just his edge, but his drive. It’s great that he has so much potential but frankly, potential is worthless without motivation. Anyone can have potential, but if they don’t have the drive to actually turn “potential” into “actual”, then there’s no fundamental difference from someone who doesn’t have it. And this guy? He doesn’t seem to have that ambition to do much more than to coast along doing the bare minimum for anything. He certainly doesn’t seem to want anything more than that. And to be perfectly frank, that’s going to bite him in the ass, sooner rather than later. I mean, if he can’t be bothered to train and socialize his dog so that she won’t bite strangers and can actually be taken out in public? That’s a dude who’s running the risk of losing his goddamn dog.

And – as you rightly observe – this is something that’s going to push you away too.

The problem here is that you can’t really compare a fixer-upper to a person. Houses are inherently passive; they have no animus or agency. People, on the other hand, do. You don’t need a house to be an equal partner in trying to fix it; it just needs to not fall apart in the process. The same isn’t true about people. If a person doesn’t want to change, then you can’t make them. You can cajole, encourage, suggest or even pressure them into doing things differently, but you can’t just inject life into somebody. Not unless he already wants to change. You’re not the one who would need to write in to me (or Captain Awkward or Prudie or Sugar or…), he is.

And frankly, you’re not here to reinvent some sad mediocre dude until he’s ready to live life to the fullest and chase his dreams. You’re not his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and you neither have the capacity or responsibility to shock him out of his rut. Trying to do so is going to make you miserable and likely make him resentful.

You can certainly suggest that he do things differently. You could ask him to take more of an initiative with dates and he very well might. But that isn’t going to make him suddenly develop a sense of ambition or move him to put in more effort than the least he can get away with. The truth is that until this dude is ready to get up and do things on his own, he will only go as far and as fast as you push him. As soon as you stop pushing, he’s almost certainly going to settle back into his old patterns.

Now it’s certainly possible that what he needs is a shock to the system. It could be that realizing that he’s about to lose you is enough to spark his internal drive to life, motivating him to give more of a damn about anything. But at the same time, changes made in order to forestal a break-up don’t always last. As much as some folks need that metaphorical slap to the face to change their ways, some folks will return to their default state after the threat to the relationship is over.

Will that work in this case? I have no idea. But the truth is: you’re only a month into this relationship and you’re already painfully aware of how this is going to end. That’s a pretty bad sign.

As the saying goes, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help somebody else with theirs. You need to take care of yourself and staying with this guy in hopes that he’ll suddenly wake up with a new personality is the opposite of that. You can even tell him to reach out to you if and when he decides to put that potential to use. But for you? It’s time to let him find someone who’s right for him and – importantly – someone who’s right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have some social anxiety. When it comes to talking to people or people approaching and talking to me I’m totally fine, I can check that box off. But I find whenever I want to meet new people and approach them I just become this quiet person, and that’s something I hate because I really do enjoy being talkative and meeting new people but I don’t know. I guess it’s just some sort of approach anxiety.

Like here’s a great example of this; so I was at this video game/anime convention on the weekend. I was hoping that I would have the courage to go up to a few people and be like “hey, what’s up?” or “why ya here at the convention?”, that kind of stuff which is fairly simple. But when I got there and realized that I didn’t know anyone I kind of just shut down almost and felt out of place. Granted people are walking around so they probably don’t want to be randomly stopped (unless they’re in cosplay and I wanted a picture, which I didn’t). And still shut down even if I’m around people and we’re all looking at the same thing (like an artist painting or something). I eventually ran into a few friends that I have and they introduced me to a few of their friends and I had a much better time and was able to socialize with these mutual friends.

But basically I want to meet new people but I just have anxieties on how to start and not come off as a burden. I hate being so god damn quiet all the time and want to be more outgoing. Anyway hope to hear from you! Thanks!

– Ice Man

DEAR ICE MAN: You have half the answer already, my dude. Start by looking for what are known as “warm approaches” – people you already have social connections to. It’s much easier to approach people when you know that you all have those connections in common – whether it’s friends, classes, school or what-have you. And if you’re worried about making the first move, having friends introduce you is a great way to get things started. In fact, this is something I suggest to people who want to get better at navigating parties: ask the host to introduce you to some folks to get the ball rolling.

But you’re not always going to be in a place where you have folks you already know who can make the first move. Sometimes you’re gonna have to go in cold. In those cases, what I suggest is that you focus on finding events that are specifically designed for bringing folks together instead of cold-approaching people who’re trying to get from point A to point B. A lot of cons, for example, have mixers, meet-ups and other social events. These are prime occasions to get to know folks, events where the whole point is to talk to people. Some will even have games or activities designed to get even the shyest and most retiring of folks out of their shells and talking. And even if you can’t bring yourself to make the first move, it’s totally acceptable to listen for a little while at first before joining in. Listening is as valid a way of being part of a conversation as trying to get your two cents in – and is often more valuable to the folks around you.

However, you can start conversations pretty much at any time. One of the easiest ways is to simply make an observation out loud. If you’re in line at Starbucks, for example, you can make an observation – “I’m pretty sure that guy just set a record for ‘how specific he likes his coffee'” – and wait for folks to respond. Or you could ask a low-investment question about something around you: “Hey, I don’t recognize that character in the Critical Role pin-up; do you know who that is?” “Hey, do you know how to do $SPECIFIC_THING in this game?” and let the conversation go from there.

The thing to remember is that starting a conversation isn’t as high-stakes as it may feel in the moment, nor is it something you need to put a lot of thought into. It’s as much a habit as it is anything else; the more you get used to talking with folks you don’t know, the more ingrained and natural it’ll be for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been seeing/dating someone for over four months now, and everything was great. He was always so sweet, and we had so many common interests that we just talked for seven hours on our second date. I found myself falling for him, but then two weeks ago, my friends sat me down and basically dropped a bomb on my happy bubble. My one friend had been scrolling through Bumble when she saw my SO’s account. She created a fake account and matched with him, and they ended up chatting and setting up a date. I read through those messages, saw the flirty emojis, and then saw that he suggested they meet for coffee at the same place he suggested we go on our first date. It was also on a Sunday at 2pm. This is what really knocked the air out of me. I didn’t know how to process or deal with it all. My friends ended up going to the coffee date and essentially telling my SO that they had told me, and he seemed terrified. Later that evening, he texted me saying that he thought we were on the same page with our “friendship” and that he really likes me and values our “friendship”. The fact that he used that word twice for emphasis was so painful.

In the first couple months of dating, I kept trying to bring up our relationship so that I could have some peace of mind. He kept avoiding the conversation though. I knew he was a bit wary of labels and commitment, so I thought that maybe that was it. I reasoned that he showed his care through actions and that I didn’t need a label to be happy with him. That was a mistake.

Two days after the coffee meet up, he came over to my apartment to talk. For four months he hid the fact that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships and that he is essentially poly. He confessed to hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to tell him to “take a hike”. He said that he was working up to talking to me about it, and that if I left then, he would at least have gotten to spend time with me. Is it wrong for me to find that incredibly selfish?

I don’t doubt that he cares for me, and I don’t doubt the chemistry that we have, but I’m starting to doubt that he cares enough to consider my feelings. I was faced with the ultimatum of breaking things off or officially entering an open relationship with him. For an entire week I could barely get out of bed or eat. My dreams were filled with heartache and more conflict. I couldn’t focus on anything, which was especially bad because it was finals week.

I eventually made the tentative decision to try the open relationship with him. I knew that I would not be able to see anyone else though. That’s just not the way I am. I invest myself fully into my relationships, and I love to love and be loved. My previous relationship was extremely toxic and abusive, so I still carry many insecurities and warped perceptions about relationships. I expressed this concern to my SO, and he basically said that jealousy was childish and that I had no reason to be insecure. He kept dropping comments about how there was stigma against his lifestyle, making me feel like I couldn’t express my concerns or feelings in fear of offending him.

I really truly don’t know what to do. Well, I do. I know I need to break things off. That is the best option for my mental health and soul, but perhaps I am too nearsighted because I can’t bear the thought of cutting him out of my life. At the same time, I am in a perpetual state of anxiety and heartache. I am hyper aware that I am always initiating contact, so I try to hold off for several days. The silence just makes things worse.

My mind is a jumbled mess, and my emotions aren’t even distinguishable anymore. Please, I am so desperate for advice and help. I feel like this is crushing me.

Closed Door

DEAR CLOSED DOOR: Oof.

So this is an ugly one.  See, normally, one of the things I always tell people is that until the two of you have the exclusivity talk, then you have to work under the assumption that you’re not exclusive and there’s the possibility that your boo is seeing other people too. But that only applies when you and your sweetie are, in fact, dealing with each other honestly and in good faith.

That ain’t happening here.

I’m gonna level with you, CD: your boyfriend screwed up pretty badly. I don’t know if he was playing the label games because he was trying to surf the ambiguity wave, where you’re both in and not in an exclusive relationship at the same time, because he didn’t want to commit to you, specifically or if he just wanted to wait to spring the “open relationship” news on you until it was fait accompli or what.

And honestly, going by the way he kept dodging the question about labels and kept saying “friendship”, it sounds like he was trying avoid ever admitting there was an expectation of commitment at all.

If he’s being honest with you about being open and polyamorous – and that’s a mighty big goddamn “if” right now – then hoooooly crap he went about this in the worst possible way he could manage. As a general rule, I don’t think you need to lay all of your cards out on the table immediately. Relationships after all, aren’t depositions or testifying under oath before Congress. I also think it’s acceptable to roll things out slowly, especially if it’s an incredibly polarizing or stigmatizing issue; this gives someone the chance to get to know you as an individual instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to whatever that issue may be. But I’m also a believer that potential partners have a right to informed consent and the bigger the potential deal-breaker something may be, the sooner you need to disclose it and non-monogamy is a pretty goddamn big potential dealbreaker.  While that may not necessarily be first or third date material, it is something that should come up pretty early on. NOT four months into the relationship and CERTAINLY not after playing plausible non-denials about your relationship status.

Under other circumstances, I’d say that yes, if the person you like is poly or ethically non-monogamous, then accepting openness is a price of entry for a relationship. If that’s not something you are into or something that you can handle, then no matter how much you may dig the guy, the best thing for you and him is to break up. Trying to force that proverbial square peg into a round hole is just going to make the both of you miserable. Better to take the short term pain of a break-up so the two of you can find people you are compatible with, instead of the long-term pain of trying to make two incompatible relationship styles work.

But the key word there is “ethical”. This guy ain’t being ethical. He knew this was going to be a deal-breaker for you so he decided to hide it from you until it was too late. He wanted to keep banging you – a non-poly person – and bang other people too, knowing that you were going to kick his ass to the curb. So he played games. He may have avoided lying on a technicality, but he sure as hell was working to deceive you about a major issue. That, frankly, is a relationship extinction-level event.

I get that you care for him and that he means a lot to you, but the truth of the matter is that the dude did you dirty. He let you believe that you two were exclusive and tried to get around having to actually discuss your relationship status so that he could have his cake and sleep with it too. Now he’s dismissing your very real, very legitimate concerns, he’s pressuring you to not express how you feel and he’s and pushing you to agree to something that you don’t want.No matter how much you may care about him, this sort of crap is an indicator of what kind of guy he is and how much respect he actually has for you.

Which is to say: absolutely goddamn none.

(Seriously, “jealousy is childish”? F*ck right the hell off with that. I can guarantee you that if you were dating someone else too, his jealousy would suddenly be VERY important.)

You may love him. I get that. But his behavior has made it clear that he is absolutely NOT deserving of your love, your time or another second of your emotional bandwidth. It will suck for you right now to break up with him. But I am here from the future to promise you: it will hurt less and heal faster to do this now, then to try to force yourself into a relationship that DOES NOT work for you, with someone who treats you with disrespect and who doesn’t give a damn about your valid feelings.

You deserve better than this, CD, and he doesn’t deserve you.

Dump the dude. You will be much, much happier.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a simple question: how do I break the cycle of jealousy about my partners past?

I am very clear in my mind that everyone has a past, it’s absolutely fine and in no way reflective of the people we are today.  Still, the dark corner of my brain compares her happiness and passion to people who were only on her life for mere months, not the years I am. 

Need help to break the habit of letting it fester! I want to get past it quicker!

Retroactively Jealous

DEAR RETROACTIVELY JEALOUS: Dude, you said it yourself. She’s with you now. She’s been with you for years. You have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and accept that she’s with you because she wants to be with you, specifically. Those other people she dated are her past. They are what brought her to where she is now… with you. You’re her present and her future.

You need to stop living in the past and her past specifically. Focus on appreciating and living in the “now”, because you have to admit: the now, with her, can be pretty damn awesome.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Longtime listener, first time caller. I (35M) am about one month out of a two-and-a-half year relationship. We part on good terms, we just realized we weren’t a good longer-term fit. The part that made me a bad fit was that I was so immersed in my career and hobbies that she felt like she wasn’t a priority. It’s a fair charge, but it’s not the whole story and I’ll leave it there.

I like being single. I think it’s fun meeting new and interesting and attractive people. It’s also a lot easier on my schedule which is chaotic and packed by design. I am happy with my hobbyjob and comfortable with the consequences of choosing to prioritize that part of my life. I have recent, definitive proof that even a wonderful and supportive partner is not going to be a good fit unless we can share ambitions. I’m okay with that, and I’m okay with the possibility of not finding that person for a while or ever.

A few weeks ago, in the enthusiastic rush of being single again, I happened to reactivate a dating account mostly with the intention of looking around to see what was out there. I received a message from someone, and since I figured it would be fun I decided to meet her for drinks. During that date I explained to her what my situation was: recently single, very busy, looking to focus on career stuff. She wanted to get together again, which we did twice on occasions spread out over the past month.

She’s very attractive and has a great personality and sense of humor, so I’d like to keep spending time with her. She’s also not someone whose ambitions I see being compatible with mine. But she’s done a few things that make me think she’s a lot more interested in a relationship than I am (and her dating profile suggests the same, but it and she are clear that she isn’t interested in having children). She has described us as “dating”, dropped casually into conversation a handful of times including on our second date. She texts regularly, often just asking me about my day or otherwise wanting to chat. She makes regular reference to wanting to see each other again (while acknowledging the boundaries I’ve set around my time).

I am wondering if I am overthinking or underthinking things at this point. She’s an adult who seems to have no difficulty saying what she wants. I’ve made clear on a few occasions what kind of emotional position I’m in. I would like to keep seeing her on a casual and occasional basis but I don’t know whether she’ll be comfortable with that. Should I expect her to make it clear if she is expecting something more than what we’re currently doing? Or do I have a social responsibility to take my perception of her feelings into account? I don’t want to hurt her, but I also don’t want to mug myself.

Thanks!

– Coming Out of Relationship, Looking to Evade Opaque and Nebulous Ethics

DEAR COMING OUT OF RELATIONSHIP, LOOKING TO EVADE OPAQUE AND NEBULOUS ETHICS: I don’t think you’re overthinking things, CORLEONE. I think what you have here is the set-up for a Mitch Hedberg joke: “I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who’d be really mad to hear me say that.”

The issue I see here is something I’ve seen over and over again in dating – someone who’s ostensibly listening but not actually hearing what the other person saying. Now that may mean that you’re not catching what SHE has been saying to YOU, or that she is trying to miss what you’ve been telling her about YOUR expectations.

Which is a problem.

Occasionally we meet someone who is apparently perfect for us except for one slight, itsy-bitsy problem: we want a relationship and they don’t. The conflict arises when we don’t take that conflict seriously. After all, if we did, then that would mean giving up on somebody who otherwise ticks all the right boxes. So we try to ignore the problem. We pretend it’s not there, or that it’s not a major deal-breaker.  Sometimes we pretend we’re cool with something casual – even if we’re not.  Other times we assume that we can just … wait it out. We assume that just as they’re right for us, we must be right for them. So it becomes a waiting game. But we can’t quite forget that this is a one-sided arrangement… and so we try to force folks’ hands.

Sometimes it means that folks get passive-aggressive, treating any mention of other partners, other plans or the casual nature of the relationship with scorn or obvious disapproval. Other times people will try to backdoor their way into a relationship, dropping references to dating and future plans into casual conversation. If you don’t immediately push back, then well, that must be tacit acceptance of the relationship frame, right?

This is something I’ve seen men and women do… hell this is something I’ve done in previous relationships. Problem is: it doesn’t work and it only makes everyone miserable in the process.

Now I can’t say for sure that this is what your friend is doing… but it certainly seems as though she’s not quite getting the fact that you’re not relationship material right now. The bigger question is whether you two have a crossed wire somewhere or if she’s chosen to ignore it.

The things you describe – dropping “dating” into the conversation, texting you just to talk about your day, etc? That’s all the sort of behavior I expect to see from someone who’s moving towards a committed relationship, not something casual. While I’m certainly not a believer in any sort of artificial limit of how many times you are “supposed” to talk to someone you’re not trying to date, the frequency and topics sound far more someone assuming a level of familiarity that you don’t have yet and – in your case – you’re uninterested in.

But that’s not an indication of malice aforethought, either. Some of this could simply be a matter of different relationship styles. She may have a different definition of “dating” than you. She may well be the sort of person who has these sorts of conversations with all of her friends.

She’s the only one who can tell you which it is. But the only way to figure this out is – as I’m so often saying – to use your words. If she brings up the idea that you’re dating, then you may want to ask her exactly what that means to her. This doesn’t need to be accusatory; it’s just that you may have different expectations and you want to make sure the two of you are on the same page. That could also be a good time to have the Defining The Relationship talk; if she hasn’t grasped you don’t see this as going anywhere long-term, then it’s time to make sure she understands that. But if she’s not willing to acknowledge that you’ve chosen to prioritize your career over dating now? Then it’s better to end things sooner rather than later. This way the two of you can be free to find people who are right for you – someone who’s looking to date seriously for her and someone who just wants something low-key for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently in a place of frustration and stress that has been going on for far too long and I need to know if I the need the chair leg of truth or just to simply calm the hell down.

To make a long story short I met this woman, who we will call Sarah, a few years ago when I was, at the time, an emotional mess. I had just moved out of my parent’s house and was about a year into therapy for anxiety and depression. I had graduated from college two years prior during which time I was an overweight, high strung, nervous wreck.

When I first saw Sarah I was immediately attracted to her but, knowing where my head was at, made it a point to keep things strictly platonic. I told myself I needed to expand my social circle and group of friends which had dwindled down to almost nothing after graduating from college before I even thought about having a girlfriend.

Fast forward a year and things quickly took off. I’ve amassed a solid new group of friends, we’re getting together almost every weekend and I’m getting invited to countless parties and get togethers. At the same time I’m getting closer with Sarah who is also in the same group of friends but I’m still telling myself to keep it platonic. Having read your work, I’m watching for signs of interest from her and coming up empty. However, our mutual friends begin asking me if we are dating which, more than anything else, just confuses me. Why would they think that? Granted we usually end up talking at meetups and gravitate to each other but that’s about it. I brush it off as a nice compliment that hey, it must not look as awkward as I feel like it is when I’m chatting her up.

Another year goes by and now Sarah and I are doing activities together by ourselves. I am also crashing on her couch after parties. My confidence has skyrocketed, I have been going to the gym regularly and my social skills overall have improved dramatically. We’re seeing each other just about every weekend and she’s always happy to see me and attend things together. The only thing that’s missing is the physicality.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to get my hands on her, I’m simply incredibly uncomfortable with physicality in general. On numerous occasions the moment is screaming to get intimate or ask for a kiss. But there I sit, instinctively acting like I have a force field around myself that prevents me from so much as giving her a hug goodbye, making me bang my head against my steering wheel in frustration as I drive home.

After getting asked by mutual friends again if we are dating, I muster up the courage to ask her the same question; are we dating? When I ask her she seems just as clueless as I am. It’s clear she has simply been enjoying the time together as much as I have and hadn’t given much thought to making it serious or exclusive. We continue to talk more personal and we make plans to go on some trips out of town together.

Tragedy would unfortunately strike when a family member unexpectedly dies and she had to fly home to help her siblings. It soon beacame clear she will need to move back home to take care of the house and deal with the family member’s effects. This gives us just a few months before she moves several states away. It feels like the endgame now, and from the way she is now behaving I can tell she feels the same way. She is now becoming noticeably more physical, always sitting right next to me at group functions but more importantly, much more intimate when alone. Now we’re cuddling on the couch, she’s putting her head in my lap, etc. Still, I’m crashing on the couch at night and we have never kissed. During this time I refrain from pressing her further on the relationship status since I don’t want to add any unnecessary stress on her and what’s the point? This is all coming to an end shortly anyways right?

Well we continue to text and call over the next several months during which time my attention with her doesn’t waiver. Supporting this fixation is a few guys from our mutual group of friends who have essentially been shipping us. They tell me how they have known Sarah longer than I have and never saw her act the way she had around me. They want her to return and keep encouraging me to keep that goal alive.

It has been close to a year now since she moved and since then I have seen her twice in between the phone calls and texts. She flew out to visit me for a few days while I was visiting a new city on business and I flew out to her house for a few days. I have unfortunately failed to have the relationship talk during either trip, rationalizing that we only had a few days together and why make it serious/awkward?

But on a day to day basis I feel continuously tortured by our relationship as it currently rests. Typically a week or two will pass without contact and I begin to get worried she has forgotten about me or moved on, knowing full well that:

1. She is not a big texter

2. She is busy with her job during the week and

3. Each time I do call she always picks up and is happy to talk. Still, I always fall back into despair and tell myself I need to get over her before one of us inevitably texts the other and all is well with the world again.

As it stands today I’m hoping she will be returning for at least a week within the next few months but it remains to be seen whether she will actually be returning long-term. So my question to you Doc is whether our relationship, as it is today, is doing more harm than good to me. Should I continue to hold out for her possible return to continue and grow our relationship or should I move on?

I am currently looking for a new therapist to talk to about this as well as my clear lingering problems with confidence and anxiety.

Hope to hear from you,

Hanging By The Phone

DEAR HANGING BY THE PHONE: I’m not the person you should be talking to, HBTP. That would be Sarah. The two of you have been circling around one another like protagonists in a romance manga, both of you clearly interested in one another but neither of you willing to actually muscle up and take responsibility for your feelings. You both seem to have decided that neither of you wanted to take the risk of getting rejected or risk “ruining” the friendship and so the two of you just lived in that frustrating limbo where all your friends could tell what was going on but neither of you wanted to listen.

But the problem is that you all aren’t in a romance manga or a romcom or a CW telenovela. In all of those, the status quo can go on forever. Two destined lovers can circle each other like planets around a star until circumstances finally force one of you to make your move. But in life, people move. And – critically – people move on. After all, two people may have the potential for an amazing relationship… but potential doesn’t mean a damn thing if it isn’t acted upon. The perfect potential relationship is ultimately less desirable than the imperfect relationship with someone who actually made a move. And the longer youwon’t make a move, the greater the odds are that somebody else will.

A willingness to wait for as long as it takes can be kind of sweet in movies, if you don’t think about it too hard, but it doesn’t work in the real world. Nobody is going to wait that long, nor should they. And holding out hope that she might come back? That’s just another way of saying that you aren’t willing to make your move.

So if you want this relationship to actually happen – or get closure on what might have been – then you’re going to have to quit talking to a loudmouth with an advice column and actually talk to her. You’re going to have to get over whatever hang up that’s keeping you from actually addressing the elephant in the room and spit it out already. And I don’t mean dropping “Hey, I really like you” in her lap and walking away like a cat depositing a dead bird on the front step or asking her to say “yes we’re dating”. I mean stepping up and saying “I like our friendship but I feel like there’s more here and I want to date you. May I take you out on a proper date?”

One way or another, you’ll get your answer. Either she’ll acknowledge the obvious and say that yes, she would like to give this a try, or she’ll say thank you but no. Either way, you’ll have finally gotten an answer and be able to move forward… either with a relationship with your sweetie, or with the freedom to finally find someone who does want to date you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)