DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Longtime listener, first time caller. I (35M) am about one month out of a two-and-a-half year relationship. We part on good terms, we just realized we weren’t a good longer-term fit. The part that made me a bad fit was that I was so immersed in my career and hobbies that she felt like she wasn’t a priority. It’s a fair charge, but it’s not the whole story and I’ll leave it there.

I like being single. I think it’s fun meeting new and interesting and attractive people. It’s also a lot easier on my schedule which is chaotic and packed by design. I am happy with my hobbyjob and comfortable with the consequences of choosing to prioritize that part of my life. I have recent, definitive proof that even a wonderful and supportive partner is not going to be a good fit unless we can share ambitions. I’m okay with that, and I’m okay with the possibility of not finding that person for a while or ever.

A few weeks ago, in the enthusiastic rush of being single again, I happened to reactivate a dating account mostly with the intention of looking around to see what was out there. I received a message from someone, and since I figured it would be fun I decided to meet her for drinks. During that date I explained to her what my situation was: recently single, very busy, looking to focus on career stuff. She wanted to get together again, which we did twice on occasions spread out over the past month.

She’s very attractive and has a great personality and sense of humor, so I’d like to keep spending time with her. She’s also not someone whose ambitions I see being compatible with mine. But she’s done a few things that make me think she’s a lot more interested in a relationship than I am (and her dating profile suggests the same, but it and she are clear that she isn’t interested in having children). She has described us as “dating”, dropped casually into conversation a handful of times including on our second date. She texts regularly, often just asking me about my day or otherwise wanting to chat. She makes regular reference to wanting to see each other again (while acknowledging the boundaries I’ve set around my time).

I am wondering if I am overthinking or underthinking things at this point. She’s an adult who seems to have no difficulty saying what she wants. I’ve made clear on a few occasions what kind of emotional position I’m in. I would like to keep seeing her on a casual and occasional basis but I don’t know whether she’ll be comfortable with that. Should I expect her to make it clear if she is expecting something more than what we’re currently doing? Or do I have a social responsibility to take my perception of her feelings into account? I don’t want to hurt her, but I also don’t want to mug myself.

Thanks!

– Coming Out of Relationship, Looking to Evade Opaque and Nebulous Ethics

DEAR COMING OUT OF RELATIONSHIP, LOOKING TO EVADE OPAQUE AND NEBULOUS ETHICS: I don’t think you’re overthinking things, CORLEONE. I think what you have here is the set-up for a Mitch Hedberg joke: “I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who’d be really mad to hear me say that.”

The issue I see here is something I’ve seen over and over again in dating – someone who’s ostensibly listening but not actually hearing what the other person saying. Now that may mean that you’re not catching what SHE has been saying to YOU, or that she is trying to miss what you’ve been telling her about YOUR expectations.

Which is a problem.

Occasionally we meet someone who is apparently perfect for us except for one slight, itsy-bitsy problem: we want a relationship and they don’t. The conflict arises when we don’t take that conflict seriously. After all, if we did, then that would mean giving up on somebody who otherwise ticks all the right boxes. So we try to ignore the problem. We pretend it’s not there, or that it’s not a major deal-breaker.  Sometimes we pretend we’re cool with something casual – even if we’re not.  Other times we assume that we can just … wait it out. We assume that just as they’re right for us, we must be right for them. So it becomes a waiting game. But we can’t quite forget that this is a one-sided arrangement… and so we try to force folks’ hands.

Sometimes it means that folks get passive-aggressive, treating any mention of other partners, other plans or the casual nature of the relationship with scorn or obvious disapproval. Other times people will try to backdoor their way into a relationship, dropping references to dating and future plans into casual conversation. If you don’t immediately push back, then well, that must be tacit acceptance of the relationship frame, right?

This is something I’ve seen men and women do… hell this is something I’ve done in previous relationships. Problem is: it doesn’t work and it only makes everyone miserable in the process.

Now I can’t say for sure that this is what your friend is doing… but it certainly seems as though she’s not quite getting the fact that you’re not relationship material right now. The bigger question is whether you two have a crossed wire somewhere or if she’s chosen to ignore it.

The things you describe – dropping “dating” into the conversation, texting you just to talk about your day, etc? That’s all the sort of behavior I expect to see from someone who’s moving towards a committed relationship, not something casual. While I’m certainly not a believer in any sort of artificial limit of how many times you are “supposed” to talk to someone you’re not trying to date, the frequency and topics sound far more someone assuming a level of familiarity that you don’t have yet and – in your case – you’re uninterested in.

But that’s not an indication of malice aforethought, either. Some of this could simply be a matter of different relationship styles. She may have a different definition of “dating” than you. She may well be the sort of person who has these sorts of conversations with all of her friends.

She’s the only one who can tell you which it is. But the only way to figure this out is – as I’m so often saying – to use your words. If she brings up the idea that you’re dating, then you may want to ask her exactly what that means to her. This doesn’t need to be accusatory; it’s just that you may have different expectations and you want to make sure the two of you are on the same page. That could also be a good time to have the Defining The Relationship talk; if she hasn’t grasped you don’t see this as going anywhere long-term, then it’s time to make sure she understands that. But if she’s not willing to acknowledge that you’ve chosen to prioritize your career over dating now? Then it’s better to end things sooner rather than later. This way the two of you can be free to find people who are right for you – someone who’s looking to date seriously for her and someone who just wants something low-key for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently in a place of frustration and stress that has been going on for far too long and I need to know if I the need the chair leg of truth or just to simply calm the hell down.

To make a long story short I met this woman, who we will call Sarah, a few years ago when I was, at the time, an emotional mess. I had just moved out of my parent’s house and was about a year into therapy for anxiety and depression. I had graduated from college two years prior during which time I was an overweight, high strung, nervous wreck.

When I first saw Sarah I was immediately attracted to her but, knowing where my head was at, made it a point to keep things strictly platonic. I told myself I needed to expand my social circle and group of friends which had dwindled down to almost nothing after graduating from college before I even thought about having a girlfriend.

Fast forward a year and things quickly took off. I’ve amassed a solid new group of friends, we’re getting together almost every weekend and I’m getting invited to countless parties and get togethers. At the same time I’m getting closer with Sarah who is also in the same group of friends but I’m still telling myself to keep it platonic. Having read your work, I’m watching for signs of interest from her and coming up empty. However, our mutual friends begin asking me if we are dating which, more than anything else, just confuses me. Why would they think that? Granted we usually end up talking at meetups and gravitate to each other but that’s about it. I brush it off as a nice compliment that hey, it must not look as awkward as I feel like it is when I’m chatting her up.

Another year goes by and now Sarah and I are doing activities together by ourselves. I am also crashing on her couch after parties. My confidence has skyrocketed, I have been going to the gym regularly and my social skills overall have improved dramatically. We’re seeing each other just about every weekend and she’s always happy to see me and attend things together. The only thing that’s missing is the physicality.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to get my hands on her, I’m simply incredibly uncomfortable with physicality in general. On numerous occasions the moment is screaming to get intimate or ask for a kiss. But there I sit, instinctively acting like I have a force field around myself that prevents me from so much as giving her a hug goodbye, making me bang my head against my steering wheel in frustration as I drive home.

After getting asked by mutual friends again if we are dating, I muster up the courage to ask her the same question; are we dating? When I ask her she seems just as clueless as I am. It’s clear she has simply been enjoying the time together as much as I have and hadn’t given much thought to making it serious or exclusive. We continue to talk more personal and we make plans to go on some trips out of town together.

Tragedy would unfortunately strike when a family member unexpectedly dies and she had to fly home to help her siblings. It soon beacame clear she will need to move back home to take care of the house and deal with the family member’s effects. This gives us just a few months before she moves several states away. It feels like the endgame now, and from the way she is now behaving I can tell she feels the same way. She is now becoming noticeably more physical, always sitting right next to me at group functions but more importantly, much more intimate when alone. Now we’re cuddling on the couch, she’s putting her head in my lap, etc. Still, I’m crashing on the couch at night and we have never kissed. During this time I refrain from pressing her further on the relationship status since I don’t want to add any unnecessary stress on her and what’s the point? This is all coming to an end shortly anyways right?

Well we continue to text and call over the next several months during which time my attention with her doesn’t waiver. Supporting this fixation is a few guys from our mutual group of friends who have essentially been shipping us. They tell me how they have known Sarah longer than I have and never saw her act the way she had around me. They want her to return and keep encouraging me to keep that goal alive.

It has been close to a year now since she moved and since then I have seen her twice in between the phone calls and texts. She flew out to visit me for a few days while I was visiting a new city on business and I flew out to her house for a few days. I have unfortunately failed to have the relationship talk during either trip, rationalizing that we only had a few days together and why make it serious/awkward?

But on a day to day basis I feel continuously tortured by our relationship as it currently rests. Typically a week or two will pass without contact and I begin to get worried she has forgotten about me or moved on, knowing full well that:

1. She is not a big texter

2. She is busy with her job during the week and

3. Each time I do call she always picks up and is happy to talk. Still, I always fall back into despair and tell myself I need to get over her before one of us inevitably texts the other and all is well with the world again.

As it stands today I’m hoping she will be returning for at least a week within the next few months but it remains to be seen whether she will actually be returning long-term. So my question to you Doc is whether our relationship, as it is today, is doing more harm than good to me. Should I continue to hold out for her possible return to continue and grow our relationship or should I move on?

I am currently looking for a new therapist to talk to about this as well as my clear lingering problems with confidence and anxiety.

Hope to hear from you,

Hanging By The Phone

DEAR HANGING BY THE PHONE: I’m not the person you should be talking to, HBTP. That would be Sarah. The two of you have been circling around one another like protagonists in a romance manga, both of you clearly interested in one another but neither of you willing to actually muscle up and take responsibility for your feelings. You both seem to have decided that neither of you wanted to take the risk of getting rejected or risk “ruining” the friendship and so the two of you just lived in that frustrating limbo where all your friends could tell what was going on but neither of you wanted to listen.

But the problem is that you all aren’t in a romance manga or a romcom or a CW telenovela. In all of those, the status quo can go on forever. Two destined lovers can circle each other like planets around a star until circumstances finally force one of you to make your move. But in life, people move. And – critically – people move on. After all, two people may have the potential for an amazing relationship… but potential doesn’t mean a damn thing if it isn’t acted upon. The perfect potential relationship is ultimately less desirable than the imperfect relationship with someone who actually made a move. And the longer youwon’t make a move, the greater the odds are that somebody else will.

A willingness to wait for as long as it takes can be kind of sweet in movies, if you don’t think about it too hard, but it doesn’t work in the real world. Nobody is going to wait that long, nor should they. And holding out hope that she might come back? That’s just another way of saying that you aren’t willing to make your move.

So if you want this relationship to actually happen – or get closure on what might have been – then you’re going to have to quit talking to a loudmouth with an advice column and actually talk to her. You’re going to have to get over whatever hang up that’s keeping you from actually addressing the elephant in the room and spit it out already. And I don’t mean dropping “Hey, I really like you” in her lap and walking away like a cat depositing a dead bird on the front step or asking her to say “yes we’re dating”. I mean stepping up and saying “I like our friendship but I feel like there’s more here and I want to date you. May I take you out on a proper date?”

One way or another, you’ll get your answer. Either she’ll acknowledge the obvious and say that yes, she would like to give this a try, or she’ll say thank you but no. Either way, you’ll have finally gotten an answer and be able to move forward… either with a relationship with your sweetie, or with the freedom to finally find someone who does want to date you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I think I’m boring. Whenever I’m talking to people there are these long silences, which I personally don’t mind (I’m happy just to be around other people) but I don’t think other people feel the same. They will often try to fill these silences by showing me memes on their phone or giving me some music to listen to, which I’m usually just not that interested in. I’m more interested in talking and just enjoying the other person’s company.

In fact, I’m just not interested in most things people want me to be interested in. Get me started on anime, writing, or computers and I probably annoy people with how much I’m talking, but it seems like most people just aren’t into that. They’re all about youtube, memes, the latest movie, music, or something else that I just don’t find that interesting.

People never invite me out, either. They never text me first, even if it’s just to tell me about something funny that happened. And always being the one to text first makes me feel like they’re not interested. I want people to put a little effort into being my friend, but no-one does. It seems like I always have to do all the work and it makes me feel really unwanted, to the point that I usually just give up on being their friend. I even deleted a few people’s numbers and haven’t heard a thing from them since.

That’s not to say people have never invited me out. They have. Usually it’s once or twice, though, before they decide I’m boring and never invite me out again. Next thing I know I’m hearing about these parties(often times on snapchat or from coworkers) and I know people are hanging out, but I just never get invited.

Most of my interests are, admittedly, solitary ones. I enjoy writing, watching anime, and I’ve recently gotten into programming. I play video games too, but lately that’s kind of rare; I’m simply too busy with school, work, and learning how to program. I’ve tried to meet people at school and work, but that’s where my boring personality screws me over.

I’ve even considered the possibility that I might be autistic, because I just seem to legitimately struggle with relationships and some other symptoms have struck home as well. But I don’t have money to see a therapist, so that isn’t an option right now.

I really want to make friends, though, even if I need to change something about myself. Is there anything I can do? Please help me if you can.

– Fortress of Solitude

DEAR FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: First things first, FOS: I can guarantee you that there are people who want to talk about anime, coding and writing. Twitter and Reddit are full of them. If you go there, you’ll find more people willing to talk about Python or C or javascript or Darling in the Franxx or My Hero Academia than you know what to do with. But – I hear you say – you want to meet people in person. Fair enough, but that’s exactly my point: if you want to talk to people who share your interests, first you have to go to where those people gather. Classes, workshops, anime clubs, coworking spaces, Meet Ups… these are all places where folks are going to self-select for the interests you happen to share.

But let’s say that you’re taking the shotgun approach and just putting yourself out there. What then?

Well to start with: silences happen. Even among the closest of friends and happiest of couples, there’re going to be lulls in the conversation. Part of working on one’s emotional intelligence is to learn the differences between a “this is awkward and I really don’t want to talk to you” kind of silence and companionable “we don’t really need to say anything at the moment” silences. Learning how to be comfortable with silence and to tell the two apart is a skill, and one worth developing as soon as you can. If you do hit an uncomfortable lull, pivot off the subject and onto another one. Doesn’t matter if the topic is related or not; just throw in a transition phrase like “hey, check this out” or “You know, that reminds me,” and bring up another question.

However, when you’re just getting to know people, there’s a very easy way to ensure that not only will you not have an awkward silence, but to also not be boring: learn to ask questions. One of the oldest and most important things to keep in mind is that interested is interesting. We all value people who want to know what we think, even on the most banal of topics. People who ask us for our thoughts are validating us and making us feel valued. That, in turn, makes us want to spend more time with them – it’s the Reward Theory of Attraction in action.

So rather than worrying that you need to fill up the empty air, focus on the person you’re talking to. Make a point of trying to connect with them and get to know them by being an active listener. Ask them a question about themselves, rephrase what they said and respond to it. “Oh you’re interested in video games? I’ve been hearing talk about a new Xbox console, what do you think about that?” Use their answers as a springboard for your next question. Just make sure you’re asking open-ended questions, not ones that can be answered with a binary. If they can answer your question with one or two words, you’re asking the wrong questions. Just make sure you’re not going into interviewer mode – intersperse those questions with occasional statements. Make your own observations, find something relevant to say about them or just transition off the subject to a new one.

It’s also good to at least try to understand other people’s interests, even if you don’t share them. That way, you can at least ask intelligent questions and let others take the lead while still feeling valued.

As to always being the initiator… well, the fact of the matter is, sometimes that’s just going to be the way of things. Initiating conversations or being the inviter versus the invited really isn’t a measure of the quality of your friendship. Some people may not be comfortable initiating or feel like they’re at a place where they can just invite you or strike up a conversation. Others may just not be the initiating type. The best thing you can do is simply be the kind of friend you want to have. Sometimes you have to model the behavior you want in a relationship before people will respond in kind.

Being able to make small-talk and connect with people’s a skill that takes practice. Spend some time making low-investment connections and getting used to the give-and-take flow of a conversation.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met this girl at my job and asked her for her number which she gave to me. At first I was a bit slippy on the situation as it took her an entire day to respond back to me. So she asked me if I “smoked” and i agreed(she was cute I couldn’t refuse) so we set up a day for us to smoke. She flaked on me the first time and rearranged meeting up for next day. So she came to my house and rolled up, I foolishly having a few beers.

So we hit it off well, she was laughing at all my jokes, letting me touch her and she said she was shocked I asked her about her family as none ever asked about that before. We were talking while I had my hand around her on my couch for a few hours. I was hesitant to make move an actual move because I just met this girl and didn’t want to be too forward.

When it came time and she makes her way to leave to go get some food (we were eating some chips at my place together but I guess that wasn’t enough) and I’m completely wasted at this point and rush to make a move telling her “You don’t have to leave” and as she tries to leave out the door I try to kiss her but she pulls away and says something about us being homeboys (she was a bit hoodish) or maybe something about me being too drunk I cannot remember. I may have yelled at her too……I was wasted

So I asked by bud about it and he told me to wait 3 days before contacting her again. So I waited 3 days and texted whats up and what she was doing upcoming week. She never responded and it has been 2 days now.

Everyone I ask says its pretty much game over, but I really liked this girl and wanted to know is there a possible hope to fix this?

Thanks.

Wasted Youth

DEAR WASTED YOUTH: So here’s what happened from her end of things, WY: she liked you well enough to give you her number and felt safe enough to come to your place to smoke up. For a while, things were going pretty well… but then she got up to leave and you kind of freaked out on her. First you got completely wasted – always a bad move on a first date – and then you lunged at her and tried to keep her from leaving. That probably freaked her out a little. And then when she tried to give you a soft no, you may or may not have yelled at her.

That pretty much sunk you right then and there. That’s like holding up a sign that tells someone that you’re a collection of red flags in a trenchcoat, not a guy she’s going to want to spend more time with. That is not the behavior of someone who women will feel safe hanging out with, whether she thinks you’re just friends or if there’s possibly something more.

But you might – and I stress might – have been able to pull this back if you had texted her and apologized as soon as you sobered up. Saying “Hey, I made a stupid mistake, got a little more wasted than I expected an acted like a creeper. I’m really sorry about how I behaved, especially if I made you feel uncomfortable. If you ever want to talk again, I promise that I’ll be on my best behavior,”  might have been enough for her to reconsider.

However, you waited three days – strike four, if you’re paying attention – and then didn’t even acknowledge that you kind of screwed things up. All that told her is that you don’t see that you did anything wrong. Not in the sense of “these are not best practices for when you get a girl home” but in the sense of “you acted like a creeper”.

So, sorry. I don’t think you’re going to hear from her again. You blew this one. Now the best thing you can do is learn from this:

A) Don’t get wasted – whether on booze or weed – when you’re on a date. No matter how in control you may think you are, your judgement and ability to read signals goes out the window. Trust me on this: I have been there, done that and learned my lessons.

B) If you screw up, apologize. A sincere apology, not a mealy-mouthed, passive-voiced “mistakes were made,” apology and be willing to show you’re sorry by being on your best behavior afterwards so that you can rebuild that trust… if she feels like giving you that chance.

C) You apologize as soon as you realize you’ve done something wrong, not 3 days afterwards.

C.1) Even under the best of circumstances, the whole “wait three days” rule is BS. But that’s a different story.

You messed up this time. Own these mistakes, learn from them and don’t make them the next time you’re out with someone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Discovered your column and YouTube channel a couple weeks back and decided to write to you for advice about a pretty hairy situation I’ve found myself in.

Some background, I’m a single man in his late thirties who has been living in Louisiana for most of his life. Due a childhood where I suffered abuse at the hands of a stepparent, I have found it difficult to socialize, have difficulty talking about my emotions and have suffered from severe mental problems. Needless to say, my attempts at any form of romantic relationship have ranged from “went nowhere” to “complete disaster” and I’ve generally not sought anything of the kind for a number of years. Further compounding things is that I live in a very economically run down part of the state and therefore have difficulty finding steady work, am frequently broke and need to rely on my family for financial assistance. I have suffered frequently from depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts as a result of this. Things got particularly bad for me in 2015. Lack of response on job inquiries for several months, growing alienation from my conservative family, and just feeling lonely and like I had no future, that sort of thing. I was suffering panic attacks, losing sleep and was emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt like I couldn’t hold out much longer.

Then some woman-hating a

hole shot up a movie theater in Lafayette and that’s where a friend of mine comes in. Let’s call her H. I had met her years before through a forum dedicated to B-movies and weird cinema. I found her to be an incredibly kind, funny and intelligent person and was delighted that she had similar interests to mine. Though it was a while before the two of us met off-line, we became fairly good friends through social media and chatting and now get together face-to-face whenever we can. A few years back, things had gotten to a point where I wanted to see if H was interested in being more than friends but a bad experience with admitting romantic interest to a friend in the past left me hesitant to do anything. When it came to light that H had hooked up with another member of our circle of friends — let’s call him D — I figured “Oh well, out of luck again” and I thought that was the end of that. We were still good friends, after all.

Fast forward to 2015, H was going through a bad time as well. Her father, who she was very close to, passed away, leaving her an emotional wreck. She was depressed all the time, her relationship with D was becoming strained, and felt as though everything was falling apart for her. Well, when she heard that there was a mass shooting in my neck of the woods and she couldn’t reach me all day (I was at my sister’s, babysitting my niece, and phone reception and internet service there was spotty) she began to worry that something had happened to me. When I finally got online that night, I found a message from her that read: “I really need to know that you’re okay.”

Getting that message shook me up. Here I was, thinking myself to be a burden on everyone and thinking maybe it would be for the best if I was just…gone…and here’s this person who lives halfway across the country, going through all that she was going through, worrying about me. It was a reminder that somebody gave a damn if I died and suddenly I found that I couldn’t go through with committing suicide. Those thoughts didn’t just magically go away, mind, but when they came, all I could think about was H, all the things she was dealing with and this little voice would tell me, “you do this and it will kill her.”

In the months that followed, as H and I did whatever we could to support each and help one another through what we were going through, I realized I was very much in love with her. And realizing this left me a little scared because you see, H and D moved in together back around 2010, have stayed together since, and despite some problems, anybody can see that the two of them are still very much in love with each other. Now, I’m not as close to D as I am H, but he’s been good to me for as long as I’ve known him and he recognizes that mine and H friendship is important to her. I really like the guy.

And so, I have never told H how she stopped me from killing myself, beyond some vague statements about “helping me through a rough patch.” I worried that if I told her about it, it would lead to her finding out about how I feel about her and I just did not want to dump that sort of drama on the two of them. (I figure if H finds out, D going to find out.) I didn’t want her to feel “girlfriend zoned,” y’know? I thought that if I kept quiet that maybe these feelings for her would just die down and fade away with time, and for brief moment it looked like they did, during a period where financial problems kept me from traveling for a while. Then I had finally gotten to where I could afford going to meet up with everybody at a B-movie film festival earlier this year and there she was. After being around her, seeing how happy she was to see me again and the great time we had, those feelings didn’t so much as come creeping back as they kicked down my front door and mugged me. I’ve been miserable ever since I got back from this trip.

Well, over the past couple of months, I’ve come around to the idea that telling H may be the only way to get over her. It took a ton of effort to come to this but I’ve attempted to write to her, explaining everything. (Figured she deserves something more personal than an e-mail but I’m worried I might lose my nerve if I tried face-to-face or over the phone.) Unfortunately, attempts to write this have felt like open heart surgery being performed without anesthetic. I’m scared of how my friendship with H and D will change once they find out, I’m scared of how this may affect our group of mutual friends, and I’ll admit, I’m terrified of how much letting go of her is going to hurt. So it seems that every time I make some progress on this, just when I think that I trust the two of them enough to believe they will be understanding and sympathetic, the doubts come roaring in. They tell me what an awful idea this is, how I shouldn’t be putting H and D in this position, that they’ll resent me for doing so, you’re going to make a fool of yourself etc., etc. Several times I’ve come close to taking everything I’ve written, tearing it up and keeping my damn mouth shut.

I’ve sought advice from friends outside of our mutuals and its ranged from saying that I should just tell her how grateful I am she helped me in the past but that telling her I’m in love with her would just cause things to go south to a friend who had been in a similar situation telling me that I should tell them everything for the sake of my mental and emotional well-being. I guessed that maybe I need some help on how to go through with this one more time before I finally finish it and that’s where you come in, as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get it from a professional and impartial outsider. So here’s my question, Doc: am I doing the right thing by telling her and if so, how would you advise I go about doing so and maybe some idea on how to deal with any possible fallout from this, good or bad?

Sincerely,

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

DEAR DAMNED IF I DO, DAMNED IF I DON’T: The question of “do I tell my crush about how I feel” comes up a lot around here. I’m not surprised; it’s a popular topic and one that captures the imagination easily. It’s hard to think of any TV show, series of novels or comics involving relationships that doesn’t have someone agonizing over whether to tell somebody else how they feel. It’s prime fodder for romcom drama and we all love to think that confession is good for the soul.

But here’s what I ask everyone who asks me if they should confess their feelings: what, exactly, do you expect the object of your affections to do with this knowledge?

See, that’s the part people have almost never thought through with any seriousness. Folks tend to focus on the act of confessing – should they, shouldn’t they? – and not so much on the response and the aftermath. If they have thought about what they want out of this, then it’s usually for the person they’re in love with or crushing on to be so moved by their confession that they reveal their own feelings in return. I mean, that’s the romcom formula, isn’t it?

And if you’re on a CW show… well, maybe that’ll work for you. But in reality, it rarely works like that. As appealing as it is to think that the depth and breadth of our feeling is enough to win somebody over, falling in love isn’t a reciprocal action. We don’t love folks just because they love us SO VERY HARD.

(And to be honest, if we do, then that’s rarely a healthy relationship.)

So I’m asking you: what exactly do you expect H to do with the knowledge that you’re in love with her?

Think about that for a moment while I go a little deeper into this.

Most of the time I tell folks that they shouldn’t “confess” their feelings and sit back; they should be proactive and ask for what they actually want – usually a date. The “I like you” tends to go along with the date. And even if it’s someone trying to leave The Friend Zone, I tend to tell them to come at this from a point of action: “I’m interested in trying to be more than friends and would like to take you on an actual date and see how things go,” rather than just “I have feelings for you.”

(Standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone, there are just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)

But that’s not what you’re asking. Here, you’re trying to unburden yourself. And to be honest, your case isn’t that unique. I’ve heard from lots of folks who think that confessing their love for somebody will be the first step towards getting over them. And frankly? I have no damn idea why they think that. This isn’t like doing the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous, where the first is to admit your powerless over booze. Confessing your feelings for somebody doesn’t make those feelings disappear. All that’s likely to disappear is the tension, that feeling of having to hold things in and the effort of keeping certain words from escaping the barrier of your teeth. And in fairness, letting go of that tension can feel great, like a knot that suddenly releases.

But it isn’t going to make your feelings go away.

What it will do is put the responsibility for managing your feels on H. Because this isn’t something that you can do in a vacuum. You may be releasing that tension in you, but you’re dropping your feels at her feet like a cat bringing a bird to its owner and expecting her to pick it up. But while a bird can be scooped up and tossed in the trash, the knowledge of how you feel – and the meaning of those feelings – can’t be as easily discarded and forgotten about. She’s now going to have to figure out what to do with this knowledge. Does she try to pretend like you didn’t say anything and just laugh it off? Does she try to talk you down from how you feel? Does she have to reconsider her relationship with you, for fear that she’s leading you on or giving you false hope? Does she tell D about this, or does she keep it from him in order to not stress him out, or avoid getting him involved? Will his knowing of how you feel affect how comfortable he is with H spending time with you? Will he feel like he needs to say something now?

And this is all in addition to your fundamentally asking H to reconsider everything about your relationship together. While you didn’t enter into this friendship in hopes of eventually transitioning it into a romantic relationship, dropping this knowledge on her is going to make her reconsider everything. It’s almost impossible for it not to. And that’s going to stress her out too.

So once again: what do you expect H to do with this knowledge, if you confess? What do you hope will happen? And, if you’re perfectly honest with yourself: do you think that your unburdening yourself like this is worth the potential fallout?

Now I will freely admit that I’m stomping all over your dreams, DIDDID and I’m sorry. I don’t do this because I want to revel in your misery but because I’m trying to spare you from an even bigger hurt in the future. While I can’t say that this would damage or end your friendship with H, it will change it. It can’t notchange things. And I suspect that those changes will hurt you far more. Even if it doesn’t “ruin” things – for suitably personal values of “ruin” – I think that all that you’ll be doing is trading one source of stress for another. Now instead of carrying this secret around, you’ll be left with the fear that you’ve ruined things, whether you have or not. You’ll read volumes into every hesitation, every delay in returning your texts and DMs and every time you don’t see her online. You’ll be reading the tea leaves, looking for evidence that you’ve detonated this bomb and now everything is falling down around you. And even if it’s not there, even if this is just a blip in the friendship and things eventually return to your usual status-quo, you’ll be waiting for that shoe to drop.

I don’t think you should confess how you feel… and honestly, I don’t think you need to. I think what you need to do is recontextualize how you feel. You’re seeing your love for her as a call to action, something that you need to do something about. You love her therefore you must act… somehow. What I suggest you do is simply take it as a state of being, rather than a command. Consider gratitude. Being grateful for something isn’t necessarily a feeling that you need to act on; it’s just a feeling that you have, a state of being. So it can be with love. Love doesn’t mandate action; it can just be something that you feel. And why wouldn’t you feel love and affection for someone who’s been such a positive influence on your life? But the fact that you feel love – not that you are in love but that you feel love – for her doesn’t mean that you need to do something about it. You just feel it. You can enjoy that feeling, you can be grateful for that feeling – just as you’re grateful to her for helping you through this patch of your life. You can let that feeling motivate you to be a good and supportive friend to H and D, and to be the same pillar of support that she has been to you. But you don’t need to be in love with her.

As woo woo as it may sound, that slight change of perspective, that substituting one word for another, can make all the difference. You’re not defining yourself by a command, you’re simply feeling a feeling. And in changing how you look at this, I think you’ll find that life will become much easier. You won’t feel like you have to tell her or that this is the only way to get over her. Instead, you’ll find that your feelings will change on their own. You won’t be as scared of losing her or worried you will have to give things up because that’s not what you’re looking for. She’s important to you, she meaningful and she’s done a lot for you. She is a good, dear friend and you love her. But you won’t be in love and tormented with that limerence. You’ll just feel love. And in feeling love… you’ll finally find peace, too.

And one more thing. I know a lot of folks are going to suggest that you tell her how grateful you are but leave out the L-word parts. And under other circumstances, I’d say that’s a great idea. But in the mindset you’re in right now? I don’t think you’re going to be in a position where you can tell her how grateful you are without accidentally confessing in the process. You won’t intend to, but the emotions of the moment are going to be pretty damn intense and, well… tongues slip, stuff happens and suddenly you realize you’ve said things that you didn’t mean to say.

I think it is good to tell her how grateful you are and what she’s done for you. But I think it should wait until you’re less tormented and less consumed by the idea that you’re in love.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)