DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve always found myself terrible when it comes to dating, I went through school without ever being in a serious relationship and watching all my friends sort of meet their partners along the way. At age 20 I went to university and started to get a little worried about not meeting anyone who I truly clicked with and them BAM, when I came home for my first year I met someone on Tinder who seemed to tick every box, after going on several dates I asked her out and she said yes.

Sounds wonderful I guess, but then she herself went off to university too, and her course seems to be a lot more time consuming than mine, so spending time with her has become difficult due to her always being busy. Me and her have been working long distance, but I’m finding it’s being much harder than I anticipated, but I genuinely do enjoy spending time with her when I actually get to, albeit as little as it is.

I presume it sounds like your standard long-distance complaint at this point, but it since I started my second year of university I’ve found another girl who has started to display a lot of signs of affection towards me, despite me having mentioned my current relationship to her before. Me and her seem to get along very well, but I still find myself feeling slightly worried when I talk to her, particularly if we’re alone or anything. Recently I’ve found myself torn between these two, unsure whether I just happened to jump at the first opportunity I had for a relationship. I’m not going to sugarcoat it now: being long distance is a lot of work, which has got me thinking that maybe I’m just enjoying being coveted by a woman who lives much more locally for once. But I find myself unsure of what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be some kind of two-timer or cheat on my girlfriend, but I honestly do find myself enjoying spending time with both women in question, the only difference being one lives hours away and I never see and one I see much more regularly and lives closer, or maybe this is just me being tempted by someone else because I’m in a long distance relationship and want someone closer? PLEASE HELP?

Emotionally Confuzzled

DEAR EMOTIONALLY CONFUZZLED: What’s going on is pretty simple: you’re a human. You’ve got an attractive person right there with you, giving you attention. That’s going to make you feel pretty damn good. It flatters your ego, it revs up your sex drive and you’re starting to think about whether it’s better to go with sure thing or the potential-if-not-guaranteed option.

Regardless of any underlying relationship issues you may have or any intention of actually acting on those issues, a pretty woman giving you attention and valuing you company is going to trigger a psychological phenomena known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. She makes you feel good and therefor you’re going to instinctively prioritize your relationship with her. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is fairly distant and you only get to see her rarely. That and the natural difficulties that come with a long-distance relationship mean that the benefits of your relationship with her aren’t necessarily outweighing the drawbacks.

Now, don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that your relationship with with your girlfriend isn’t as valuable or valid or worth it as the one you currently have with your friend. It just means that right now, it’s completely understandable that one is more tempting than the other. That’s just part of the human experience.

So what do you do about this? Well… frankly, you’re going to have to make that decision yourself. Does the distance and the inconvenience of a long-distance relationship outweigh the time you do spend with your girlfriend? It’s ok if it is; maintaining a long-distance relationship is difficult, especially when your schedules mean that you rarely get to talk or see each other. Breaking up because the distance was an insurmountable is very understandable. The fact that you’re already interested in somebody who’s close at hand doesn’t make you the bad guy either; it just means that this made you realize that the distance and inconvenience bothered you more than you realized it would.

At the same time, there’s no guarantees that a relationship with the woman at your university is going to do any better. Right now, she’s new and shiny and there’s the thrill of novelty and what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. That glow can disguise or cause people to overlook relationship deal-breakers that would otherwise disqualify this woman from your dating pool. Or it’s possible that this relationship simply won’t work out in the long term for whatever reason. You have no real way of knowing, except by rolling the dice.

The only thing I will say is that if you’re exclusive with your girlfriend – and I mean that you’ve actually stated this instead of just letting be unsaid – that you end things with her before starting anything up with the other woman. Similarly, if you’re going to stay with your girlfriend, let your other friend know this is why you’re dialing things back.

Ending either relationship doesn’t say anything about you as a person or about the success or failure of your relationship with that person. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle (as it were) doesn’t mean that your relationship with your girlfriend was a failure. After all, every relationship you’re in will end, until one doesn’t. If you’re able to be cordial, if not friends with them afterwards and look back on your time with them fondly, then that relationship wasn’t a failure; it just means that it came to its natural conclusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently a senior in college, and I’m spending the next year studying abroad in a rural area in Japan. The thing is, that I’m 23 now and until this year I’ve never had any kind of intimacy with a woman, and I really feel it’s holding me back daily. This last year I have made leaps and bounds in making progress and being more forward about my interest instead of playing the “nice” guy friend that hides his intentions. Even when I’m busy I see around me constantly couples and it kind of burns me out. I am my own person, and do things, and I can make friends easily, but I can’t become anything more ever. The intimacy I speak of is just maybe a kiss, if that, and then I don’t hear from them again. I just can’t get girls to stick around and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

The culture is also a bit of a stepping stone, as I’m a black male here and there is kind of a bad stereotype about us here, and so I feel like I have to strive to be nicer to get people to trust me, and then I end up not being interesting. It is so hard to find the middle ground, because as much as my friends say don’t worry about it, it’s very much a real thing here when meeting people in an outside social group. On another note, since the culture is different should I conform to it, is the question I ask myself daily, because it’s simply the opposite than American culture, as they have a strong “inside” vs. “outside” mentality, and it makes this problem already a bit more difficult to handle.

This makes me cut off people extremely quick, much more than I used to do, so I run out of friends/romantic interests. I used to wish I didn’t have feelings and life would be so much easier, but I know that’s not an option so I’m just trying to find a way to deal with feelings that should be natural, but I can’t fulfill them. I know there is no reason not for me to be able to reach these goals, but I just have no idea about what I’m doing, just what I feel.

Is there any advice you might have for me, Doc? I’m not blaming anyone but myself on this, but just getting to a better place instead of remaining in the same old area is my foremost objective. I want to be more fulfilled in my life and really enjoy my experience here rather than feeling like I’m in the wrong place.

- Annoyingly Messed Up

DEAR ANNOYINGLY MESSED UP: There’re a few questions buried in here, AMU. Let’s roll it from the top, ok?

To start with: you’re socially inexperienced and – reading between some fairly obvious lines – a virgin. That’s not a big deal unless you make it one. I totally get that you’re feeling left behind and looking at the happy couples around you with envy, but it’s that feeling that you need to catch up is going to trip you up. When you’re focused on this one part of yourself like a laser, you’re going to tense up and that’s going to make it harder to do anything else successfully. Think of it like playing video games; there’s that one spot you can’t get past and the more that you focus on your frustration, the worse you end up doing. Then, when you take a break, do something else and come back to it later when you’re refreshed, you blow straight past it like it’s nothing.

That’s what’s going on with you right now. You’re trying to get past this one area  and it’s frustrating you so much that you’re starting to slip up on stuff you know you can handle. So take a deep breath, relax and just… be. Don’t try to get a girlfriend or experience. Just live your life in such a way that it lets you be the cool, fun and interesting person you know you can be. You’ll have your opportunities to date, kiss, screw and everything else and it will all come much more easily when you stop focusing on what you don’t have and enjoy what you do.

I mean, come on! You’re studying abroad in Japan! How freaking cool is that? You’re going to have all sorts of experiences and adventures on that trip that’ll lead to some awesome stories later. Hell, I missed my chance to do that in college (ironically, because I had a girlfriend… and I really shouldn’t have) so I’m jealous of you right now.

Now straight talk: being a foreigner in a very socially homogenous culture like Japan means you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb and some people are going to treat you like an oddity. This doubly and triply so as an African-American in a rural area. And in fairness: Japan’s got issues when it comes to racial stereotypes, especially when it comes to black people, and (again) when you get outside of the large metropolitan areas, you may well be the first black person some of them will ever have seen outside of TV or movies. That’s going to lead to some seriously uncomfortable moments at times and I can imagine that there will be times you’re going to feel the need to slap on a grin and pretend that it doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it really does.

But at the same time: being nice to others isn’t the same as being boring. You don’t have to present a bland version of yourself to fit in or be accepted; it just means being patient and understanding. You can be a pleasant person without being passive or a milquetoast or pretending that you don’t have a personality. Adapting to the local culture as best you can is one of the best ways to do this; making the effort not only shows respect, but doing so will make others feel more comfortable in your company. I suspect that being quick to cut people off means you’re cutting people out of your life who might otherwise be pretty damn cool once they get the chance to know you and vice versa. Yes, there’s going to be adjustments and there’s going to be people who deserve to be cut off… but not everyone does.

But more than anything else, you need to relax. You’re in the middle of what can be an awesome adventure if you give it half a chance. If you’re caught up in whether or not you have had – or are going to find – a relationship, you’re going to miss out on so damn much. Let things be and just focus on enjoying everything that your situation has to offer. Enjoy getting to experience another culture in such an intimate, immersive way. Embrace the culture, explore the area and take full advantage of being a college student abroad. Right now you want to collect experiences and stories and just be your natural awesome self. That will serve you far better – and make you a more interesting, attractive person – in the long run. And that will help you find the intimacy and relationships that you’re longing for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m gay but not really out to a whole lot of people and in my late 30’s.  I like to think I’m ok with my sexuality but something’s just not there yet with revealing it to everyone just yet (still).  I’m also overweight and while I think my face looks ok I kinda hate that I don’t really exercise and always eat the right things.  But my hatred of exercise is for another topic.

I also play a lot of a very popular MMO. I’ve also met someone through playing that game that I really, really really like.  It’s another guy, and he’s off overseas in the army in Hawaii (but will be moving back to the mainland early next year). Now I’ve also not ever really let myself get into a relationship with anyone before. Yes I’ve had sex with other guys before so I’m not a virgin, but it’s always been with just hookups via dating/casual encounter type websites from people in my local area. Never found anyone via that method that stuck.

Anyways, so I met this guy playing the game about 10 months ago, by joining their group of friends in a server for raiding. This turned into becoming friends in game, and the more we talked the more I liked him and the more I asked about him.  So I find out that he’s bisexual, and says he is polyamorous and doesn’t want to be limited to one partner.  He has a male partner he sees and sleeps with on a regular basis in Hawaii that’s in his unit (and shares other sexual encounters with the girls they bring over), and he also is dating a female gamer in our server who lives in Alabama. He’s also in game married to her and they have date nights, and she’s even gone to visit him in Hawaii (which didn’t really turn out all that well for them but yet they continue to want to date each other).

I’ve also professed feelings for him (i.e. i’ve said I love him and he says he loves me too). But he doesn’t want to make the girl he’s seeing jealous because even though he is polyamorous, she absolutely wants to keep him exclusively to herself.  She knows of his poly mindset but doesn’t want to acknowledge it.  He does not like that she does not acknowledge it.  I have to watch what I say around her sometimes so that she doesn’t catch on so much that I’m in “love” with him too.  I get envious of their date nights and I’ve asked if we could have date nights and he’s said no (because of her), but there are plenty of times in game when she’s gone to bed because she’s in central time, I’m in mountain time and he’s still up for awhile because of Hawaii time so I get him all to myself for a bit before he or I log off.

This is part of my dilemma. The other part is I’ve never had a solid male relationship before so I’m not sure what i’m feeling is true love or just like, but it sure as heck feels like it. And he’s so damn cute too boot too, but I feel like I’m ugly in my fatness compared to him. He says he’s ok with different body types.  I don’t know if I’ll ever meet him in real life but I really want to.  we’ve exchanged pictures and had a couple really awkward face time chats.  Am I emotionally immature still even at 38?

There are days when I’m bursting at the seams with feelings for him, and I try to express them to him but it doesn’t come out right and he’s not always as responsive or expressive as I am. We all show our love differently tho but we still say “love you” before going to bed/logging off from gaming.

I hope i’ve thoroughly confused you with my letter and maybe if you can pull some sense out of it I would certainly appreciate your learned thoughts on the matter. Cause I’m really not sure what my next step should be.  

Is this red flag city? Or just try to keep going and see how it turns out?

Thanks

Confused in The Dating World

DEAR CONFUSED IN THE DATING WORLD: Hey CDW, I’m here from the future and I’ve got an important message for you: this isn’t going to work and it’s only going to make you miserable.

There’s not just one red flag here, there’s enough red flags waving around to make it look like you’re running the bulls in Pamplona.

Let’s start with the first and most obvious: you don’t know this guy. Yes, I get that you’ve chatted a lot in the game and you’ve had the occasional Facetime convo, but let’s be real: you don’t know him. You know who he’s presenting himself as. You aren’t dating him, you’re dating his avatar. His persona. I realize that many, many people meet via MMOs – World of Warcraft may be responsible for more relationships than Plenty of Fish – but the fact is, until you meet him in person, there’s a whole host of things you simply don’t know about him. One of the tricky things about online dating, whether via OKCupid or Final Fantasy XIV, is that it’s impossible to gauge physical chemistry from online interactions. It’s easy enough to assume that you’re soulmates because you have great chats and steamy text sessions, but you’re not getting many of the signals and indicators that you only get from meeting someone in person. I’ve lost track of how many people I’ve known – myself included – who’ve had incredibly powerful connections with people online but found we had all the explosive chemistry of a wet fart in person. So let’s not put the cart before the horse here.

But then, there’re all the little things that spell trouble. Like the fact that you’re his (virtual) side-piece. So let’s be clear here: he’s apparently committed to this Alabama honey despite her being uncomfortable with his being poly. Meanwhile, he’s banging chicks and dudes in Hawaii (and share them with his Army bro) while “married”1 to her and seeing you on the side. If we assume everything is exactly as you present it, we’re looking at one of two potential scenarios here. Either he’s cheating on his girlfriend – she’s not cool with his being poly, after all – or he’s lying to you and hurting her regardless. In the former, he’s promised to be monogamous to her and is being a cheating piece of crap and is keeping you as his dude on the side.  In the latter, he’s dating someone who he knows can’t be in an open relationship and doesn’t care that it hurts her.

Neither of these are the hallmarks of someone worth dating. Ever.

But the fact of the matter is, this dude is so full of crap that his eyes turned brown. Regardless of which way this falls, he’s lying to someone – his girlfriend, to you, or to everyone. You’re his dirty little secret and you’re left begging for the scraps of his attention. You don’t even get dates or the ability to be affectionate with him in public – or at least as public as FFXIV gets, anyway. For all intents and purposes, you’re dating a closet case who has no intention of ever being honest with you or the people around him.

(And that’s assuming that he’s even who he says he is. I have my doubts; everything about this sets my Spidey-sense tingling.)

Straight talk, CDW: I suspect part of the reason why you’re hung up on this guy is because he’s “safe”. He’s thousands of miles away. He’s unavailable in just about every way possible short of being dead. As a result: things can’t get “real” with him. Because you’re unlikely to ever meet in person, you never have to worry about whether he might reject you because of you’re “ugly” or “too fat” or whatever. In a lot of ways, it’s easier to have a relationship that you know can’t work than to try to date someone closer to home and risk getting hurt. This guy can always be a fantasy to you.

But like I said: that heartache is coming, regardless. Even if he’s 100% telling you the truth about himself, he’s a lying, cheating piece of s

t. The only question is who he’s lying to.

Ditch this guy. You deserve someone who’s going to love you, be honest with (and about) you and be proud to call you his boyfriend. The sooner you kick this guy to the curb, the sooner you can find someone who’s far better for you, in every sense of the word.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So my girlfriend is amazing. She’s a great girl and I’m glad that she’s in my life.

However she’s the first girl I’ve had sex with.

She’s had sex before and she’s fooled around with multiple guys before me. I have never cared about this and I know its not my right to either; because she’s a great woman and she’s with me now.

We often talk freely about things from our past, so recently she gave me a bit too much detail on the number of guys she’s been with and the things she’s done with them. This made me really uncomfortable.

I do not judge her one bit for these things and it isn’t my right to either, these are things from her past. However it made me feel insecure and dare I say, a bit ashamed of myself.

I’ve unfortunately internalized the fact that as a guy I should have had a lot of sex by now, I’m in my early twenties. I know guys who have had a lot of sex on a regular basis and I tend to lionize them reflexively. Also I feel like the more sex they’ve had the more validated these guys are, i.e they have been approved by women as fit (from an evolutionary perspective). Now if this is the way I tell the story of course it reflects very poorly on me as a man. I feel insecure and even ashamed. I feel insecure because my girl is great and I feel like men who’ve had more sex will obviously seem more fit in her eyes as well. This makes me feel inadequate.

Its unfortunate that I feel this way, because I’m actually a great guy; I look good, I can be funny, I’m smart and in control of my life and I’m physically fit.

But the way I say the story; if I am all these things and I still didn’t get laid all these years, then there must be something really wrong with me that women can just sniff out. I’ve always held the fact that I haven’t had much sex against myself and that puts even greater pressure when I try to flirt with women and take it to the next level. If I’m with a guy that has had a lot more sex than me it immediately affects my self esteem and if we both are talking to women I assume the backseat myself. Because somehow I’ve told myself that the only thing that matters is how much sex these men have had.

I’m trying to overcome it and I could use your advice.

One Trick Pony

DEAR ONE TRICK PONY: Here’s something to keep in mind, OTP: Ron Jeremy has slept with more women than he’s had hot meals. Does this make him a better, more desirable fit for your girlfriend than you do?

The story you’re telling yourself about how much sex you’ve had and how much you “should” have had is bulls

t. As I’ve said to others: it’s seven different types of bulls

t from cholera-infected bulls and all of it stems from evo-psych crap that barely works in the animal world and definitely doesn’t work as soon as you try to apply it to humans. And the first thing you need to do is realize that women aren’t magic. Vaginas aren’t Mjolnir and only give entrance to the worthy. Women don’t have a virgin-detecting sixth-sense that causes them to sense flawed men and discard them. Many times, the reason why a woman decides to have sex with someone has nothing to do with that person in the first place – just like men do. Women will decide to sleep with someone because they’re angry at their partner and want to get back at them, because they feel unattractive and want someone to make them feel pretty or because they’re horny and somebody was the nearest, least-objectionable warm body.

Similarly, guys will be virgins or had few partners for many reasons that have nothing to do with whether they’re “worthy” or not. They may have decided to wait until marriage. They may have had a long-term monogamous relationship and only been with that person for years at a time. They may simply not be that into sex or only have sex with people they have a deep and emotional connection with. None of this makes them any better or worse than dudes who’ve had dozens or hundreds of partners.

And let’s be real here: having lots of partners also doesn’t mean that this person is any good at sex. It could well be that they’re the sort of person who may be good at attracting women but is absolutely lousy in bed; they may get a lot of first time lays but never get an encore performance.

But all of that is secondary to the main issue: your girlfriend has chosen you. The fact that you were a virgin clearly didn’t bother her, seeing as, y’know she’s dating you. The only person who seems to think that your lack of experience is, well, you. You need to start trusting your girlfriend and taking “yes” for an answer because this amazing, beautiful woman has been telling you that clearly you have what she wants.

Have a talk with her. Tell her that you’re a little insecure about your sexual history (or lack thereof) and that in the future, you’d really rather not have all the dirty details. And then take her straight to bed because the number of partners you’ve had in the past is far less important than your relationship with the partner you have right now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (32M) for almost a year and I’m jealous of the relationship he has with his ex. He texts with his ex all day and he tells me they are just really good friends. They rarely hang out in person. This woman has been in his life for 6 years and they were engaged to be married. The engagement ended because they disagreed about the subject of children.

I feel like they have a connection that I’ll never have with him. He tells me that they are just friends and he loves me. I feel like I’m the backup and they will reconnect in the future thus leaving me. Am I crazy for feeling jealous?

– Ol’ Green Eyes

DEAR OL’ GREEN EYES: No I don’t think you’re crazy OGE. I think what you’re feeling would be better described as insecurity. The thing to realize is that many times, jealousy and envy are the Check Engine lights of relationships. Sometimes when it crops up it means that there’s something wrong and you need to address a problem that’s about to cause things to fall apart. But more often, the issue is that you forgot to do the relationship equivalent of screwing the gas cap on until it clicked.

Your boyfriend had this long, romantically intense relationship with his ex that ended on what likely feels like a minor conflict. They’re still in touch, talk all the time and he still thinks of her fondly. It’s understandable that you could see this as a potential threat to your relationship with him.

If, y’know. You squint. A lot.

But the fun – and I use the term very sarcastically – thing about insecurity is that it’s supremely irrational. Insecurity is the conspiracy theorist of emotions, taking anything as evidence that your worst nightmare is likely coming true and that anything that disproves your fears is likely just made up or irrelevant. It’s confirmation bias writ large, as your jerk brain runs around with string and pushpins, making random connections between unrelated events and trying to drag a narrative out of it regardless of how little sense it makes to literally anyone else. But if you can disconnect yourself from the nightmare scenario for just a moment, step back and give yourself a chance to get some perspective, you can see that many times you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

So let’s take a step back and examine things dispassionately. First, here is a truth: you are correct in that you won’t have a connection with your boyfriend like he had with his ex. Not because theirs was magical and sacred or because he loved (and still loves) her more than he’ll ever love you but because you are two entirely different people. Your relationship with him is unique and special and unconnected to his relationship with her, just as his relationship with her is unconnected to his relationship with you. You’re never going to have the same kind of connection because your experiences together are going to be entirely different. That doesn’t make it better or worse, just different.

Second: the fact that he has a strong friendship with his ex is a good thing. This speaks a lot to his character and what kind of person he is. It means that even though their relationship didn’t work out, the two of them were able to maintain the respect and affection for one another that’s let them be good friends afterwards. This, in turn, means that he is emotionally mature, handles conflicts in his relationships with care and consideration and, incidentally, chooses his partners carefully. Which, I might point out, means that he chose you with all due consideration and mindfulness.

Third: They had a six year long relationship that ended on relatively good terms. That’s a lot of history and a lot of time to build their relationship together. It’s a little unreasonable to expect the exact same sort of connection without that shared history together. You two’ve only been together for a year. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a similar relationship, just that they take time. This is like comparing a career you’ve only just started to somebody who’s been on the job for the better part of a decade; you’re setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations and getting upset that over things that you haven’t had time to develop yet.

Fourth: unless you left things out of your letter, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend’s given you any reason to doubt the sincerity of his feelings for you. Aside from possibly being a little inconsiderate about how often he texts or messages her, the biggest sin seems to be that he didn’t exile her to a damnatio memorae as soon as they broke up. Absent actual misbehavior, I think you need to let yourself fall on the side of taking “yes” for an answer here.

There’re two things you need to do here. The first is that you need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you could use his help in stepping back from the ledge. You’re feeling a little insecure and worried and you could use some extra love and reassurance so that you can get that vague sense of insecurity under control. Some of this may involve his being a little extra attentive to you when you’re feeling like an insecure bag of slop. Some of it may mean being a little more considerate with how much he’s messaging his ex, especially if he’s doing it in front of you.

But regardless of how he can help you, you’re going to have to help yourself by making sure that you let yourself believe him when he tells you that he cares for you and that he’s just friends with his ex. Because if you can’t bring yourself to trust him when he tells you how he feels, this relationship isn’t going to last long enough to have the kind of connection you want.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently having issues with my relationship.

I can’t understand or get past my girlfriend’s history. She was into masochism and being abused in ways that just makes me sick. She told me about it but also included that she is no longer into that.

Can she really just stop wanting that? Is it ok for me to ask her to take down the pictures online? Or is that not a right of mine as I wasn’t involved?

Not Feeling It

DEAR NOT FEELING IT: Alright NFI, I picked your letter because I wanted to compare and contrast it with Ol’ Green Eyes’. In both cases, the two of you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that your current partner has a history that you two aren’t necessarily comfortable with. But one significant difference is how this is manifesting. With Ol’ Green Eyes, she’s worried that her boyfriend’s just killing time until he goes back to his ex. In yours, you’re actively disgusted by a fundamental part of your ex’s past and are trying to force her to pretend that it never happened. And that ain’t cool.

This is generally where I introduce folks to my good friend The Chair Leg of Truth.

But you know what? You sound young, NFI and there’s a chance that you can realize just what you’re doing wrong and maybe not sabotage this relationship before it even has a chance to begin. First of all: your girlfriend has a past – a past that has absolutely nothing to do with you – like all people do. As with 99.9% of the relationships you will ever have in your life, your girlfriend had partners before you, had sex before she met you and did things that you may or may not approve of before she met you. And all of those experiences? They made her the woman she is today… the woman that you are into and want to date. So your interest and attraction to her are, ultimately, because of those past experiences, not despite them. Without her history, she wouldn’t be who she is and – in all likelihood – you two wouldn’t be dating.

Second of all: your girlfriend has a kink, as many people do. Her particular kink involves the boundaries of pleasure and pain. This isn’t terribly unusual; a lot of kinky people get similar enjoyment out of the release that comes from the co-mingling of the two. But, fun fact: the fact that she’s a masochist doesn’t mean she was being “abused”. It means that she was a willing participant in forms of sexual contact that – assuming everyone followed best BDSM practices – that she and her partners negotiated and planned out well in advance, with thought and care for her limits and her safety.

Now her kink is not your kink and that’s fine. There’re plenty of folks who get off to things that make me go “Really? Ok then…” But getting up in self-righteous judgement because you don’t dig the things that she enjoyed? That’s not cool, Chief.

Which brings us to your first question: can she really stop wanting that? Well, theoretically, yes. There are folks who’ll go through stages of sexual experimentation and get into kinks or lifestyles that they may not be into later on. It could be that she was trying masochism to please her partner or partners at the time. She might have been trying it out because she’s sexually adventurous and willing to try new things. Her tastes may have changed over time and now she’s not as into it as she used to be.

But you know what’s far more likely? She’s telling you that she’s no longer into it because you slut-shamed her for being into kinky sex. It’s not that she is no longer into the kind of sex she enjoyed previously but that she doesn’t want to deal with your judgmental bulls

t about what she did long before the two of you ever got together.

Similarly, can you ask her to take down the pictures of her? Well yes, technically you can ask. As in, you can flap your lips and make the words go. But do you have the right to ask and expect her to actually give your words consideration? Not so much. Not when it’s paired with your other questions.

There’re legitimate reasons to be concerned when somebody has sexually explicit photos online. We live in a profoundly sex-negative culture and people frequently use nude or sexual photos – taken consensually or otherwise – as levers to harm and harass folks. It’s not unreasonable to be worried that those pictures might, for example, might cost her a job in the future or used by somebody to try to humiliate her. But when your impetus is “this is a reminder that you had sex before me – and sex I don’t like – and I don’t want those out there”? That’s a big NOPE from me, chief.

So what do you do about all of this?

Well first of all, if you want this relationship to work, I suggest you go and do some reading about BDSM and masochism in particular. Get a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky and familiarize yourself with the whys and wherefores of kink with books like Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge so you at least can understand your girlfriend’s interests. You don’t need to need to share her kink, but maybe having some understanding about various kinks means that you won’t give her crap about her sexual interests or make her feel like a slut for having an adventurous sex life.

Work on accepting the fact that somebody’s past isn’t a reflection on you and that it’s made her into the person you want to date now. Loving somebody means understanding and accepting them as an entire person, not as somebody that you can take piecemeal and just remove the bits you don’t like.

Failing that? You can accept that the two of you aren’t right for each other and let her find someone who isn’t going to judge her for her past.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)