DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help.

I fell in love with a man three and a half years ago. He lived on another continent. It was hard. But we worked hard for it. We had miscommunications, he did things that hurt me, my mental health was hard to deal with at times, we both had hardships and life changes. But after over two years together and a few international moves on his part, he finally found a dream job in my city. I thought we’d done it. We fought and worked for our relationship, through all that we were the bright spot in each other’s lives, we were finally at the point where it would be all downhill from here. We lived together for about four months. Then it all collapsed when it came out that he’d been cheating on/with me since day one. I had forgiven him every time I caught him in lies about other partners, I’d believed him when he’d sworn he’d do better by me. But it was all a lie. Our relationship was a con job.

Two and a half years of lying, cheating, gaslighting, violating my most fundamental boundaries. Every scrap of love and support and affirmation was knowingly stolen from me. 

And here’s the problem:

I still love him.

I know the version of him I love doesn’t exist. The man who respected me, the man who worked to live up to my moral standards, the man who meant it when he looked me in the eyes and swore to be better, he was an act. I can never go back to not knowing, things can’t be what they were before. I would never be able to trust that he was engaging with the work to improve himself in good faith, so things can’t move forward. Our past was a lie and our future is non-existent.

But here I am, almost a full year later and I miss him so much I can’t breathe sometimes. I dream about him. I can’t see a picture of his face without crying (and I can’t avoid him completely because we have many mutual friends I won’t part with and social media blocking/muting systems are pathetic). Part of it is missing having a serious partner, part of it is the trauma of how it all ended, but a lot of it is HIM. I miss our banter, I miss his perspective on things, I miss his smile and his face and his voice. I still want to tell him weird facts and mundane crap about my day. I miss listening to him rant about things he was interested in and things he was mad about and things I would never have encountered on my own.

My mind knows that he was lying to me non-stop, and nothing was really real. But my heart found something that made it feel the best it ever had, that it would have fought for through anything, and I can’t get it to bow to reality.

How do I fall out of love with a dream?

Sincerely,

Longing to Wake Up

DEAR LONGING TO WAKE UP: What you’re feeling is very common, especially after a harsh break-up. One of the things we rarely think about with the end of a relationship is the way that they change our identity. We’re no longer just ourselves; we’re a collective, part of an entity that exists outside of us. It’s no longer just Longing to Wake Up, but Longing to Wake Up+Cheating Dickhead coming together to form a gestalt entity that is the relationship. You learn to incorporate the relationship into your every day life, to the point where so much becomes muscle memory. All the little accommodations and gestures you’ve had to learn and develop become something that you do almost without thinking. When the relationship ends, everything changes. In many ways, it’s like losing a limb; suddenly this significant part of who you were is gone and everything about your life now can’t help but remind you of that absence. You’ve lived so long with those gestures and accommodations that you never think about the fact that they serve no purpose now. They’ve become a phantom limb, the ghost of the relationship that you used to have. And yet they’ve been so much a part of your life that it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to go through the motions without thinking. Like someone who reaches with the hand that they lost, you will do some innocuous gesture, go through some automatic routine and suddenly you get reminded that this part of your life is gone.

And it will hit you like a hammer to the chest and reopen those wounds that you thought were closed and scarred over.

But you, LTWU, have a complication. The person you thought you were in love with never existed. They were an elaborate fiction, lies on top of lies, false promises and dreams that could never be. So not only are you faced with this challenge to your identity – the relationship’s phantom limb – but the fact that even the memory of your relationship has been stolen from you. It’s not just that you’ve lost a limb but you’ve discovered that you never had that limb in the first place. And so now you’re caught in this state of never knowing how to feel. How do you mourn a relationship when the person you thought you were in a relationship with never really existed? When he’s been lying to you all this time?

It’s made all the harder because it makes you question everything. Not just about them, but you. Like with people who’ve been catfished, you’re left with the question of “how could I not know?” Nobody likes to think that they’re the sort of person who is so overly trusting that they could be tricked by a conman. Nobody likes to think that they’re the sort of person who’s gullible enough to be taken in by somebody with practiced lies and empty promises. We like to think that we’re too smart to be fooled by a silver tongue and words that offer us exactly what we want to hear. So this loss is compounded – the loss of the limb and being forced to question everything about how you see yourself.

And it doesn’t help when other people ask: “how stupid were you?”. You are already asking yourself that question, but it’s always easy to pass judgement with an outsider’s perspective. They have the distance to see the manipulation and the deceptions. They’re far enough from the center to see everything; they aren’t in the center where you can only see what’s right in front of you. It’s easy to see the grift when you’re far enough away. It’s easy to see it hindsight, after all of the blanks have been filled in. It’s much, much harder to see it when you’re in the thick of it.

But short of being visited by a madwoman in a big blue box, there’s nothing you can do about having loved the wrong person. All you can do is figure out how to move forward from where you are.

But the first step in your moving forward, LTWU? It’s to change your perspective on your relationship. Don’t think about this as a break-up, because that’s not what happened. What happened is that your lover died. Those feelings you felt? Those were real. Those memories you have of the better times? Those were real. But in the moment that this man revealed his true self to you, the man you thought you were in a relationship with died – tragically, suddenly and without warning. Now all that’s left is for you to mourn his loss and process your grief. Yes, there’s this man who looks so much like your dead partner that it makes your teeth ache, but it’s not him. He’s not the person you gave your heart to. He’s not the person who you spent those years with, who shared your hopes and your dreams even as a continent separated the two of you. That man is dead and gone. So mourn him. Grieve his loss. Let yourself rage against the unfairness of it all, that this great man was taken from you. Feel that loss, knowing that he’s no longer in this world with you. Savor the memories you had with this man and regret that memories are all you have, even as his seeming doppelgänger continues to be around. But that’s not him.

The next step is to practice some radical forgiveness. Not of the man who deceived you; he doesn’t deserve another second of your time or your thoughts. Let him stew in your utter disregard of him. Let him face the damnatio memorae from your life. No, you need to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being willing to believe someone who preyed on your trust. Forgive yourself for being willing to open your heart up to someone who wasn’t worthy of your time. Forgive yourself for loving not too wisely but too well. Forgive yourself for trusting somebody who wasn’t worthy of your trust.

And the next step is simple: give it time. Now that you realize you’re mourning a death, not a break-up, you’ll find that time will help this wound finally close and you’ll be free of all of this and ready to face life anew.

Because the sin here isn’t yours, it’s his. You aren’t to blame here, he is. All you did was love somebody and you lost him. Mourn that loss, grieve that death and you’ll find the strength to move forward.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old guy and I’ve had a crush on a girl for two years. Since I’m below average looking (at best) it’s normal for me to get crushes on girls out of my league and never have my feelings returned. However, even if I had a chance, I wouldn’t date her and I’m relieved that she doesn’t like me back. For me having feelings for her and thinking about her daily it’s enough and our casual nod makes my day. Everytime I see her my heart starts pounding, my legs shake and my mind goes blank. It’s an amazing feeling and nothing else makes me feel so alive.

I understand that I’ve put her on a pedestal and if I (miraculously) have the opportunity to get to know her that feeling will vanish because I’ll get used to talking to her and I’ll discover that she’s a human being just like me and everyone else. And if we became a couple, eventually we’ll have a fight and I don’t want to get mad a her or think negatively about her or just lose the way I feel right now. I just want to keep being infatuated with her and feeling that way as long as I can.

My question is: is it normal? I feel like I’m weird because it’s not only with her, I has been like this all my life. I’ve always been the guy with a hopeless crush on someone. My friends are not like this and they all have had relationships and I feel different. I like girls but I think kissing or sex is disgusting. I’m fine with hugs but anything else seems like too much for me. That’s weird too? There’s something wrong with me?

A Really Confused Guy

DEAR A REALLY CONFUSED GUY: First of all, ARCG, I’m gonna level with you: I’m not buying your “below average looking”. I’ve been doing this gig for eight years now and frankly, if I could have a dime for every self-proclaimed hideous troglodyte who was actually perfectly average, Elon Musk and I would be having giant mecha fights in San Jose. 90% of somebody’s looks have absolutely nothing with their facial structure or symmetry and everything to do with presentation, style and grooming. Almost every dude I’ve encountered who swears they’re Quasimodo needed a hair cut and beard trim, clothes that fit properly and a better skin-care regimen… that’s it.

Now let’s talk about your question instead. First of all: yes, I understand why you prefer never letting your crush go beyond being a crush. Crushes are exciting. They’re thrilling. They’re the pounding of your heart at the very mention of their name, the way adrenaline dumps into your blood when you think they’re looking your way, the same feeling of safe fear we get from thrill rides and horror movies. You, like a lot of folks, are in love with being in love.

But getting to know somebody doesn’t mean the end of a crush. Finding out that they’re human doesn’t mean the loss of those feelings. Sure, you’ll discover that she’s a person and not a goddess… but that makes her all the more thrilling and beautiful. Perfection is dull; those flaws we all have are part of what make us unique and exciting, deep and rich and fulfilling. She may come down off that pedestal, but you’d discover how much more there is to her than you could ever believe.

If you don’t want to find those hidden depths and reveal those secret sides and unique aspects to her, that’s your call man. You do you. I think you’re missing out, personally, but hey, I can’t live your life for you.

Your next question though, about physical affection? It’s not that common, but it ain’t that unusual either. What you’re describing sounds an awful lot like one of the many forms of asexuality. Some ace folks simply have no sex drive whatsoever; they like the intimacy of physical contact, of cuddling or hugs or occasional kisses but have no desire for sex. Others, like you, find sexual contact to be uncomfortable, undesirable or out and out disgusting and so they avoid it all.

Now if that’s something that bothers you – you want to be comfortable with sex and sexual acts – then it certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea to find a therapist who can help you unpack those feelings. The underlying causes could be anything from sensory processing issues to a disorder like misophonia. If that’s a path you want to go down, then you might want to go to the Association of American Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ website and visit their referral directory to find a sex-positive therapist in your area.

But I would also recommend you visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org and browse through their resources and forums. I think these would help you not only be more comfortable with you who are but recognize that you’re not alone, not broken or even all that unusual. There’s a community of people out there who are very much like you ARCG and many of them have faced the same issues you have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Your column here and on Kotaku have helped me a lot in the past and I’m now in a situation where my friends are giving conflicting advice and I felt like this was the best place to turn for clarity.

There’s some context before I (she/her) get into this particular situation: I’m currently a graduate student in a program with a pretty small class size and that’s resulted in a somewhat toxic atmosphere where gossip reigns supreme. I’ve actually seen people lie to undermine one another in some bizarre popularity contest. I’ve managed to stay pretty under the radar with a fair amount of work, keeping my personal life totally private, deflecting questions, and making it clear I don’t tolerate BS when it comes to work. The worst my relationships with classmates gets is the level of distant but cordial coworkers.

I became close with only a few classmates and realized a few months ago that I have feelings for one of them. I was planning on talking to him about it and seeing if there was any chance he’d be interested, but recently things have happened that have made me question how well I know him. He and I are friends, but we’ve known each other for less than a year and recently he pulled some crap that prompted a lot of class gossip. I’ve heard about 5 different versions of events. Some have pretty clear, deliberate lies, some pretty obviously directed at his friends to see what our reaction would be.

A few of us were hurt by what happened, but we’ve talked to him about it. It was a really honest conversation and we’re all still close. I thought I had worked through it since the hurt was unintentional and what happened was all a collection of accidents and honest stupidity. The whole story was not even that bad it was just a series of stupid decisions in the worst possible circumstances.When we talked, he also seemed to realize that a lot of his actions came from the very typical guy thing where he didn’t unpack a lot of his reasoning before just diving into things. He seemed to be serious about trying to be better and to thank before he acts. However, I’m still hearing different accounts about what happened from different people, and some friends who don’t know everything have pretty negative opinions about him now.

My question is this: should I still have that conversation about dating with him? I still have kind of strong feelings for him, and I do trust that he told me the truth about what happened. But every time I hear a new story I have to question my evaluation of him as being just not the brightest with people versus actually manipulative. Plus I’m worried about what my friends would think if it works out. I don’t want to get sucked into this weird middle school drama my program has going. Is it selfish to be worried about my reputation? I really just want clarity but is that worth all the potential hassle?

Sincerely,

Risk Averse

DEAR RISK AVERSE: Ah, academia, where the infighting is the most vicious because the stakes are so very, very low.

Before I get to your specific question, RA, let’s work backwards. Yes, it’s totally reasonable to not want a relationship because of the drama-bomb it could set off in your life. There’re many people out there who may be the hottest thing since World War III, but they bring with them a load of complications and consequences that you would be justified in wanting to avoid. It could be that they are in the middle of a contentious and bitter divorce. They could have a career that puts them under the microscope, and your dating them might invite people to pry into your life too. Or they could be someone who lives their life by the “hold my beer” philosophy and doesn’t give a second’s thought to the potential consequences of their actions… especially if those are consequences that other people have to deal with.

But by the same token, I’ve seen plenty of awesome people who’ve been screwed over by circumstances outside of their control. They had orbiters and stalkers who tried to make life miserable for anyone who’d date them. They had bitter, even borderline sociopathic exes who wanted to destroy their lives or had attracted the attention of the Internet Hate Machine and were deluged by trolls and worse. A lot of times, the goal of these movements isn’t just to run over somebody for the LOLs but to utterly isolate them from anything resembling a support network – from friends to lovers to co-workers to employers. The end goal is to make them so radioactive that folks won’t associate with them for fear of being hit with the splash damage.

I’m not gonna lie: it takes a special kind of person who is willing to stand beside the target of that sort of potential s

tstorm, and those folks can be hard to find.

So in the abstract: yes, it’s understandable that you might choose to not date someone because of the potential drama. But by that same token, you’re allowed to not date someone for any reason you choose, from the drama llama in their lives to the way their nose whistles when they breathe. Folks get to decide what their personal deal-breakers are, no matter how absurd it may seem to an outside party.

Now with all that being said, let’s talk about your case, RA. You have a few things that you want to consider before you dive into this particular relationship.

The first is simple: how much do you trust this guy versus the people who have first-hand information? One of the issues when it comes to gossip – malicious or not – is that sometimes it can turn simple misunderstandings into deliberate malignant acts. But by the same token… sometimes that gossip isn’t malicious, it’s defense. There’re plenty of spaces where information is spread by whisper networks because the culture supports and defends the bad actors over their victims. Even the famous S

tty Media Men document was shared as a way to let women know who to be on the lookout for, not to slander innocent men because SCREW YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY.

So you’re gonna have to make a gut-check about whether this guy is being straight with you – both about what happened and how he’s trying to do better.

The next question is: how much can this gossip actually affect your life? It’s one thing if you’re dealing with high-school bulls

t – snickers in the hallways, whispers and dirty looks and absurd rumors. It’s another if these are behaviors that could actually affect your life – both in the here and now and after you finish the program. Are these people who’ll try to isolate you from your friends by making associating with you toxic to their social health? Is the toxic atmosphere contained to the program, or do you run the risk of things like ginned up Twitter mobs or SEO bombs designed to destroy your personal and professional reputation?

If it’s just annoying high-school mean-girl crap: are you willing to ignore it or grit your teeth and power through it until you finish your graduate program? If it’s the latter… well, honestly, if things are that bad, I’d be more worried about getting the hell out of that program over dating somebody.

But the final question you have to ask is the most important: is this guy worth the potential headaches? This isn’t an idle question; any relationship is going to come with its own particular challenges and it’s own slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Some people are absolutely worth it; they’re reasonable people in unreasonable situations, and a relationship with them will be so enriching and amazing that it’s well worth the fight. Others aren’t; they may be a dirty good time, but the potential drawbacks outweigh what they bring to the table. After all – as Alanna Massey famously put it – d

k is abundant and of low value. Everybody has their flaws, so focus on the good and what draws you to him. If he’s a great guy who maybe needed to learn to think before he acts and shows that he’s actually willing to live up to his potential, then it may well be worth the potential gossip and drama. If this is a guy who’s a good time but not necessarily a love for the ages… well, there’re other Slab Squatthrust’s out there who don’t come with a side-order of tedious social politicking.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a lady in a long-term relationship with a man. We don’t have too many issues in our relationship and the ones we do have we’ve talked about and are actively addressing. There is one thing though, that’s kind of come up as an issue that we’ve talked about but don’t really know how to solve: stickin’ it in my butt.

He’s never done anal and really wants to try, I’ve tried it and enjoy it with a considerate partner (which he is). But the couple of times we’ve worked our way up to it, his anatomy hasn’t really cooperated. He’s hard while he lubes me up and I’m playing with his penis, but he goes soft when he tries to put it in. I suspect he’s psyching himself out – he places a lot of emphasis on how he sees this as a kind of gift that I’m honoring him with (I don’t see it that way, but I never saw any harm in that belief until now), and I wonder if he’s dealing with performance anxiety. We’ve talked about it and he puts it down more to lack of stimulation while managing the logistics of positioning and speed, but admits that he might also be putting too much weight on the act to be able to perform.

We’ve put an unspoken hold on things for now – I figure if he keeps trying and failing it’s going to become a Big Thing in his mind and it will get worse. We have a perfectly satisfying sex life without it, but I know he still wants to try (and I’m kinda excited about being his first in this particular arena).

Do you have any suggestions about how to get over the erection-softening mental block? I am more than happy to keep him physically stimulated during prep, but I’d love some ideas on how to keep his heads in the game too.

Thanks!

– Fifth Base

DEAR FIFTH BASE: I suspect part of the problem that your boyfriend is having is that he sees anal as this massive undertaking – the sort of thing that’s usually reserved for porn and not something that girlfriends do. The fact that he’s treating this as a “gift” you’re giving him, as opposed to a new and different sexual activity that you enjoy, leads me to believe that he thinks you’re not actually into this. If he’s holding on to this idea that you’re doing things under some sort of duress, or that you’re only doing this for him, then I’m not surprised he’s deflating a little. It’s sweet – he doesn’t want to do something he thinks you don’t want – but it’s also going to be an ongoing problem if he can’t bring himself to take “YES YES YES” for an answer.

Now there’re various options for the physical side of the equation. The two of you could, for example, head over to your local sex shop and get a cock ring for him. Many people use cockrings to maintain their erections; the rings help restrict the blood-flow in an erect penis so that the blood can’t leave the erectile tissue and leave him at half-mast. This would help mitigate the issue of trying to keep his hard-on during the prep and warm up.

But I suspect the better answer would be to dial back on penetration for now and instead, work anal play into your regular sexual routine. Whether it’s the (gentle) use of fingers, a butt-plug (make sure it has a flared base) or other forms of anal stimulation and play, the more he experiences you enjoying butt-stuff, the less he’ll see it as this sacrifice you’re making on his behalf. By demystifying it and taking it from being this profound event and more just one more way the two of you please one another, he’ll be able to get out of his head and put his attention where it belongs: on the two of you.

It may also help for him to check out Erika Moen’s excellent webseries Oh Joy Sex Toy. She and her partner Matt have a number of great educational comics about anal sex and anal play, which may help him get over any hang-ups he’s feeling about getting up in there.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Am I asexual, aromantic, or am I trying to label myself to provide an excuse for my inexperience?

I’m a dude in my 20’s and I’ve never been in a relationship, on a date, or even watched porn. But I don’t think I’m asexual because I masturbate weekly using my imagination or softcore erotic literature, but anything with genitals or sexual acts really turns me off. I’ve gone months without masturbating because I don’t usually derive pleasure from it, only a sensation of release. I do mentally notice attractive woman, but I also haven’t had a crush on anyone since high school. I’ve tried dating apps, but never met anyone from one and I’ve never come close to asking out anyone in person.

Every week, when I call my parents and grandparents, they ask if I’ve “met” anyone, and frankly I’m ambivalent if I want to. I have what I consider a happy life: hobbies I enjoy, my dream job as a scientist, and friends that I appreciate. I do often feel lonely, exacerbated since I’ve moved halfway across the country, but I don’t think its lonely because I’m loveless, more of an existential we are all alone on a darkling plain. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship so maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about?

There are a lot of reasons I justify to myself not trying to get in a relationship: I hate being touched, months usually go by between physical contact more substantial than a handshake. I’m very introverted; I’m outgoing at parties and gatherings, but I then feel drained. I’m also very private. I don’t talk about myself at all if I can help it, and hate confiding anything to anyone, but will happily chat about movies or politics or whatever.

Additionally, I’m a member of a small ancient religious community that is quite endogenous and I’m very committed to my faith. Even worse from a number’s perspective, I’m a member of a caste that can only marry co-religionists, even converts don’t make the cut. And I know dating doesn’t equal marriage, but it still feels wrong.

From an outsider’s perspective a relationship seems to be more of a burden than a boon. One of my worst flaws is a tendency to get annoyed with other people quickly. When I spend extended periods of time with anyone, even the people I’m closest to: my siblings, good friends, etc., I have a great time initially, but friction builds up over little things and I stop having fun. I don’t see why a romantic relationship would be any different. Finally, I’m just so accustomed to doing everything alone that it would require major disruptive changes to a routine I like.

But everyone else I know seems to enjoy their relationships! And as a good scientist I’m all about testing hypotheses. I know that if I wanted a relationship I’d have to expend serious effort, but there lies the crux of the problem: Would I actually enjoy a relationship but haven’t experienced one yet because of inexperience and laziness OR am I not temperamentally suited for relationships because I’m asexual or aromantic and I should just stop worrying about familial and societal judgement? More succinctly: Should I at least give romance a try before determining it’s not for me?

-Ace or Joker

DEAR ACE OR JOKER: Here’s the thing about sexuality, AoJ: it doesn’t come on a spectrum so much as a multi-axis graph. Over time, we as a society have refined our ideas of sex, sexuality and sexual identity and orientation. We started off with a relatively rigid binary – gay or straight – before we began to realize that there was a third option with bisexuality. But even then, we started to discover that it wasn’t really a case of binaries but a spectrum. Some people preferred partners of one gender but very occasionally would be attracted to someone of a different gender. Some folks tended to date one gender but would frequently have casual sex with another gender and so forth and so on.

But even then, we started to recognize that this wasn’t strictly the truth. There were folks who were sexually attracted to people of various genders but only fell in love with people of one gender. And of course, as our understanding of gender started to broaden so did our definition of who was attracted to whom and pansexuality became more of an understood and accepted sexual identity. So now what seemed like a case of two points and then a line turned out, in fact, to be a plane.

With the way our understanding of sexuality and gender advances it’s like not too much longer before we recognize that it’s… I dunno, like, Mandelbrot sexuality fractals or something.

But the way our ideas and understanding of sexuality has broadened from a binary to a graph alsoapplies to asexuality. We used to assume that asexuality was an aberration, a medical issue. Then we began to understand it as a sexual orientation for many… but even then, there were ace people and allosexual people. But… there were folks who were in the middle, people who did feel sexual attraction but rarely or only in specific contexts and so our understanding broadened. But then there were also folks who masturbate but not out of a sense of libido or arousal, folks who are ok on their own but find sexual contact to be unpleasant or unwelcome, folks who have sex with their partners because their partners enjoy it but they don’t…

Just as with other forms of sexuality, we’re discovering that asexuality is wider and more varied than we suspected before. This, of course, leads lots of folks to wonder just… what exactly are they? Are they sure they’re ace? Because what if they’re wrong? Does this thing they do disqualify them from being asexual?

Now, your lack of interest in sex with other people – even if you masturbate and use softcore porn – sounds to me like you fall on the ace graph… but that’s more for you to decide. So the first thing I would suggest is that you visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network; they have a number of resources, FAQs and forums that can help you start to find answers to some of your questions about your sexuality.

However, it sounds to me like you have a couple of things going on, many of which don’t have anything to do with asexuality at all. The issues you have surrounding relationships, for example, are separate from your sexual identity. Whether someone’s asexual doesn’t mean, for example, that they’re alsouninterested in relationships. Plenty of ace folks want love and intimacy and companionship, even cuddling and kissing. They just don’t want the “mash your genitals together” bits. Similarly, there’re folks who are sexual but just don’t like relationships. And of course, there’re folks who don’t mind them but find it all to be a massive pain in the ass that they don’t want to bother with.

It sounds to me like you’re one of the latter – at least in terms of relationships, AoJ. You’ve got a lot of complications in your life that make them difficult, but it also sounds like temperamentally, you’re not feeling like it’s worth the effort to try to work around or through them. And if you’re content living that way… well, shit, man, you do you. I get that the pressure from your folks and society can be immense, but it sounds to me like you feel like you should try a relationship out of a sense of obligation, rather than a genuine desire. That’s, in all honesty, a pretty bad reason to get into a relationship. There really aren’t any epic love stories that start with “Well I guess I have to do this”, after all. Trying to force yourself into a relationship with someone isn’t fair to them – especially if they’re entering into one with the expectation that their feelings will be returned – and it’s unfair to you.

If you were feeling like something was missing or that you longed for love, companionship or intimacy greater than you get with you friends, then I’d say give it a try. Date casually with folks who know that you’re not looking for anything right now and see if anything develops. If you want to try to address those flaws you mentioned or want to find out how you can work around your routines so that friendships and romantic relationships wouldn’t be so disruptive, then it may be worth talking to a therapist. But to be perfectly blunt, it doesn’t sound like you want that. You may not be ‘typical’ but you ain’t broken either and if it ain’t broke, then it doesn’t need “fixing”. If you’re satisfied with your life – even if it’s not the typical life society says you should have – then there’s really no reason not to keep on keeping on.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you could maybe help me. You see, what has happened is I’ve fallen for a woman (who, for the record, lives in my country) who I had become penpals with.

We started off chatting on an online penpals site and really hit it off. We were laughing, joking and generally having fun writing and sending photos to each other. In fact, we were having so much fun that our letters became unwieldy long. As a result, we decided to move it on to social media to make keeping in touch easier. The last one I sent took over 3 hours to write, so as you can tell we were talking a lot!

A few weeks passed, and I slowly started to feel as though that she might be someone I could maybe date. She had started opening up and sending love hearts and what have you and I genuinely thought she was interested in me too. Especially since she was the only person to say Happy Valentine’s Day to me and vice versa, and we had a bit of flirty banter here and there. Plus she was pretty much my ideal woman, smart, artistic, shared interests, funny.

So I took a shot and said that I found her fun and that I would like to know if I could maybe take her out on a date sometime. She said it was sweet of me to say but we should meet up first before dating properly. I agreed and said that was fine. I had a free weekend from work coming up and thought I’d mention it. When I said I was free the next weekend I then got ignored for about 3/4 hours… And I thought “Oh no, you’ve blown it”. 

I sent what I thought would be the last message saying something on the lines of “look, I don’t think you’re thinking the same as me, I was wondering if you were still ok to talk to each other.” She replied back, but only to the talking part, to which she said yes we are ok.

Another week passes and I try again by bringing up maybe meeting up to hang out. At this point, it’s been a month. She is still being nice (sending love hearts and stuff) and I’m still not too sure if she’s interested in me as a potential date or not so I thought I’d ask if she wanted to meet up for coffee. Something nice and simple nothing too flashy or formal. To which she said she’d love to but she was too busy, and she didn’t have another date which was free that she could think of.

So I start to think that maybe I’ve been miss reading signals. I have been known to do that in the past, and with this all being via text, I had not a lot to go on anyway. She had mentioned about maybe Skype or talking on the phone, but when I asked if she wanted to talk on the phone the only time she said she was too busy.

About another week later, in a sort of bumbling way, I finally find out that she’s not looking for a relationship with anyone yet, she’s happy as she is with no boyfriend and enjoying life. Something she probably could have told me weeks earlier, but didn’t for reasons I’m still not sure about. She still wants to be friends, she knows I like her, and she still wants to meet up and hang out at some point when she’s not as busy.

I mean I like her alot and would love to date her but if we can only be friends then that’s ok too. 

However I’m getting mixed advice from friends and family. On one side I have the “You’re just friends, find someone else to have a relationship with” camp, on the other side I have “Your friends, she’s not ready to date… YET! She may change her mind”. Meanwhile I’m stuck in the middle not sure what to do. 

I mean she hasn’t said that dating me would be off the cards or I’m not her type or anything… But if she’s not looking then there isn’t much I can do dating wise is there? And is she really bothered about meeting up anyway? She says she does but is she just trying to be nice and let me down gently or is she genuinely too busy because I’m really not sure.

Wait A Minute Mr. Postman

DEAR WAIT A MINUTE MR. POSTMAN: Hoo boy. You don’t give an age, WAMMP but man you sound really young. So let me give you some advice now that will help you over the course of your life.

She’s already given you an answer. Her answer was “no”. All of those barriers she set up between you and the idea of dating? The “we should meet in person first,” the “I’m just so busy I don’t have any time,” and the just plain ignoring the question? All of those are what’s known as “soft no’s”, ways of turning somebody down gently without directly saying “No, I don’t want to date you”. Even in 2019, women are taught that being direct with men is rude – and potentially dangerous – and they’re supposed to consider his feelings before their own. As a result, instead of directly turning someone down, women will give a socially plausible reason why they can’t see someone or go on a date with them. It’s a way of declining the invitation without it being anybody’s fault; oh such bad luck that we couldn’t make this happen, it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s the universe, nothing to be done about it.

This is what your pen pal has been doing; she’s been giving you soft no after soft no in hopes that you’d pick up on what she was actually saying and drop the subject. Since you didn’t get the message, she told you that she wasn’t interested in dating anyone yet – more direct, but still a soft no. Because what she’s saying isn’t “I’m not ready for you, but I will be in the future,” what she’s saying is “I’m not interested in dating you.” That “yet” doesn’t mean “But stay on the line and you’ll get the next available opening”, it means “at some point in the future I will be dating someone else.”

Your friends and family in that first camp are correct: you and she are friends, not potential romantic partners. And that’s fine. Friendship isn’t the consolation prize of relationships; it’s friendship. But if you want to maintain that friendship, you’re going to have to accept that this is all you have. You’re going to be better off to find someone else to date. And, preferably, someone who you’ve actually met in person.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)