DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to apologize in advance for any bad English, it’s not my native language.

I’m a 25 year old man, and I’m dating a girl about two months.

She is the most interesting girl I’ve ever met. I have limited experience with relationships, but enough to know when the girl worth the “long term investment”. 

A month ago she told me she needs to travel to another country to study. She really needs it as a “test to become an adult person”, and she’s planning to go the end of this year. She is 28 years old and she fears she won’t have any more chance. And, as she said, she might never come back. In her field, the odds of finding a job are better outside of our country. If she finds a job there, she might not be coming back.

So, needless to say: I’m terrified! I’m trying to enjoy the moments we are together, but sometimes I think too much in the future. I’m really anxious over this.

Furthermore, I’m feeling that thing we used to call “passion”, that I really hate. I would like to not lose my mind in this and become obsessive.

So, what can I do? I don’t really want to take the easy way, that’s to stop the relationship. I think this is cowardice and I can’t stand to lose those really good moments with her, but I can’t enjoy these moments with this weighing on my mind.

I would like to simply not feel so passionately, to face it calmly, and, if there’s something I can do to change this situation, I would like to know what can I do.

I thought about going with her on the interchange, but I don’t know if this is a “healthy” solution, I would ignore my real objectives to be with her.

I need help.

Time Is Running Out

DEAR TIME IS RUNNING OUT: Be honest with me, TIRO: is it the passion you’re afraid of - the way your heart speeds up at the thought of her, the way that you seem so much happier when she’s around and the way that you find everything about her fascinating - or is it a fear of feeling this way and then losing it?

Because, quite frankly (to steal a line from my Celebrity Dating Advice Patronus, Dan Savage) every relationship is going to end until one doesn’t. And you almost never know which relationship it’s going to be.

In practice, what this means that every relationship you ever have is going to come with the likelihood that it’s going to end with you two breaking up for one reason or another, until you find the one that lasts until death do you part. Now, you can either go into a relationship anticipating the break-up - which, SPOILER ALERT, will make you completely miserable - or you can go in with an optimistic and hopeful heart.

Because, I mean, look at you. You’re twitterpated. You’ve got it bad for this girl, even when it’s just two months in. That can be scary to people – you worry that you’re in too deep, too soon. And to be fair, that’s a reasonable worry. You don’t want to invest too much in a relationship that young… though, that level of intensity isn’t BAD in and of itself. As long as you don’t push too hard for her to match your level of emotion just as quickly or push to commit exclusively too soon, feeling strongly for someone is just fine.

But the course of romance never did run smoothly and all the legendarily passionate love affairs come with complications. I mean, look at you: you’re in a relationship that comes with a known expiration date. That’s going to be tough. In fact, it’s going to be even tougher because the reason for the expiration date is that your girlfriend sounds mature, intelligent and adventurous and is taking advantage of an incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I mean, it’s a little hard to fault her for wanting to go on this adventure that could change her entire life.

Now, the fact that she’s going to study abroad doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship, but as I’ve said before: long-distance relationships can be difficult to maintain, especially when there may not be an end in sight.

But here’s the thing: she’s been up front with you about this. Her telling you about her plans to study abroad sounds to me like a way of giving you both a head’s up (“Hey, I’m going to be leaving at the end of the year, so keep that in mind,”) and a way out (“I would understand if you decided you didn’t want to face the difficulty of an international long-distance relationship.”)

And now you have to decide.

The way I see it, you have three choices.

For the first, you can end things now in the name of saving yourself the future heartbreak. Some will tell you that this is the coward’s way out, and that you’re using the end of the upcoming relationship as a way to justify breaking up with her; when what’s really bothering you is the intensity of how you feel about her, the fear of emotional commitment, and the loss at the end.

Which, admittedly is true. But the fact that you love someone doesn’t mean that you necessarily want to subject yourself to the known pain of a rapidly approaching end date. That’s a perfectly valid and legitimate reason to not date someone.

The second is that you can continue to date her, but let the fact that your relationship comes with an expiration date grow to consume your every waking moment and eventually come to define your relationship. You’ll get angry and bitter and clingy. You’ll consider going with her to study abroad and run the risk of growing resentful when the homesickness kicks in.

Or you’ll choose to stay behind and be frustrated and bitter when she flourishes in a foreign country while you still feel as though you’re floundering at home. You’ll fight, but never over the real issue: the way you feel betrayed by the fact that she’s going to leave you.

In short: you’ll spend the rest of the year making yourself and your girlfriend goddamn miserable.

OR

You can take the third option: you learn to appreciate what you have, while you have it, for what it is. You quit borrowing heartache from the future and learn to live in the moment. You cherish every minute you have with her, savor every kiss and embrace and make every second you have with your girlfriend special – even with the understanding that you know when it’s all going to end.

Now, I will grant you: that third option is difficult. It’s incredibly difficult for humans to focus on the moment; our awareness of the future is part of what combines with our opposable thumbs and downloadable porn that puts us on top of the food chain. You can never get rid of that impending sadness that comes with separation from someone you care about.

But just because things are going to end – and all things end – doesn’t mean that you should cheat yourself out of happiness now. She sounds like a special person, the kind of person that will make you a better person for having known her; the kind of person where you would look back on your relationship together as something wonderful and life-changing, even if it didn’t necessarily end the way that you hoped it would. She sounds like someone who brings a lot of value and joy to your life.

If you want my advice: accept that your relationship has an expiration date. Don’t try to artificially extend it by going on the interchange with her – that’s only going to make things bad for the both of you. Don’t let yourself be bitter or resentful towards her for going or for “not caring enough about you to stay”. For the love of all things holy, do not try to convince, coax, cajole or otherwise pressure her to NOT go.

Just… enjoy your time with her. Learn to live in the moment and revel in what you have. Feel all the feels, savor every minute you have with her and when the time comes, let it go. It’ll suck and it’ll be like the worst break-up that you’ve had, but it will be survivable. Take time to mourn the loss and then move on. Don’t hold yourself hostage to the hope that she’ll come back. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t – but either way, you need to go on and live your life. A little sadder, yes, but richer for the experience.

Eventually you’ll fall in love again. And maybe this time, it will be the relationship that lasts until the end of your days.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I use social media a lot, which has made me a lot of friends. Our social circles always begin to intermingle and before you know it I have friends all over the world. I got into contact with one girl this way who’s gorgeous and into a lot of the same things I am, and naturally I developed a bit of a crush. The problem is, though, that she lives in another country. Remarkably, I managed to wake myself up to the idea that developing feelings for someone I’ll never see in-person and only communicate with through tweets was a terrible idea that could only end badly, and so I put those feelings aside, we stayed online pals, and everything was all good.

Then at the end of last year I was on holidays and posting updates and photos from my trip. She posted a few replies to those that were a bit flirty, but I’m the worst at misinterpreting friendliness for flirting and so I just posted some jokey replies and didn’t think much of it. But then as we’re talking she suggests that my next trip could be to visit her town. It turns out she’s actually not too far away from a friend I was planning on meeting up with this year, so I tell her it’s a possibility and we’re both excited by the idea.

A short while later she shows up in my DMs and we get talking a bit more normally than just tweeting jokes and short comments between us and our shared friends. She starts sounding flirty again and I respond a bit reservedly because I’m afraid of just seeing what I want to see in her messages. But then, and I have no idea how we actually got onto the topic, but we start talking about dating and relationships and she mentions that she would totally date me. I respond saying I would happily date her as well, and next thing I know she’s given me her number so we can properly chat with each other. Now, I’m pretty confident that that’s a sign of some kind of interest.

Fast forward to now, a little over a month later. I’m going to be making a trip in a few months to visit her and my other friend I was intending to meet up with, and I sent her some souvenirs from my trip which she loved. She and I have been talking regularly and have gotten a lot closer, but the conversations haven’t gotten as flirty as they did to start with – on my end it’s because I rarely have much success in the dating department and now that I seem to be onto a good thing I’m terrified of coming on too strong and scaring her off. On her end it could be the same thing, or she could have changed her mind, or I’ve misread some playful flirting for something more. 

I’m really confused how to work out where I stand with her, and what to do if I’m standing where I want to be. If she were local I’d just bite the bullet and ask her out, and if she turns me down then no big deal; I’ve been through that before and stayed friends with those girls. But with the distance being what it is I’m not sure what my next move should be, and whether I should be making it before, during or after the upcoming trip. Then if we do hit things off, what’s the best way to approach a long distance relationship to avoid it being the fiery disaster I’m worried it could be.

I’m willing to put in the work, but first I want to figure out if there’s actually something to put work into. Do you have any advice?

Thanks so much!

Hopeless International Romantic

DEAR HOPELESS INTERNATIONAL ROMANTIC: What you need to do right now, HIC, is slow the hell down. A lot. You have jumped a good six moves ahead of where you actually are. This isn’t just putting the cart before the horse, there is no cart to put in front of the horse.  Right now, what you have is some flirty talk in the DMs and vague plans to meet up while you’re on vacation. These do not an impending relationship make.

Straight talk here, HIC: you’re making a mistake that a lot of folks make when they don’t have much in the way of social or dating experience. You’re assuming that emotional chemistry is exactly the same as physical chemistry. The fact that you two spark when you trade DMs back and forth like a modern day Abelard and Heloise tells you that you two are on the same wavelength, but there’s a physical component to attraction that can’t be denied or circumvented. The truth is that no matter how enlightened we may claim to be as individuals, but you may love someone for their mind but you want them for their ass.

What works between two people in text doesn’t necessarily translate when the two of you are face to face. Humans as a species are designed for face to face communication. There are reams of information that we convey in the tone of voice, in our body language and even in scent and touch that just can’t be conveyed by text. Even regular Skype sessions can’t quite convey the physical side of things when you’re in person with one another. No amount of FaceTime can equal the gut reaction you have when you smell, touch or even kiss someone for the first time. You could well find yourself in the position of meeting up in person and realizing that you’re not quite so warm for her form as you thought, or vice versa. Or you might find that you’re kind of into her, but not so much as you expected to be. Now you’re in the awkward position of asking yourself whether you try to move forward despite being kinda “…enh” about her or choosing to be friends instead.

And that’s before we even address the question of whether she’s still into you. Right now you’re tying yourself into knots trying to figure out whether or not she’s still into you and it’s draining the excitement from your upcoming trip. You’ve built up this idea that this trip is going to be the start of a grand romance; if that doesn’t happen, then that’s going to taint what might otherwise be an awesome trip.

You can already see this playing out with the way you’re interacting with your crush. When you were just in the moment and just talking with her like anyone else, you were doing so  much better.  Now that you feel like there’re consequences, you’re tensing up and second and third-guessing every single thing you say. It’s draining all the fun playfulness the two of you had going on when there were no stakes.

One of the best things you can do – in dating in general and on this trip in particular – is be outcome independent. If you’re focused on getting with this one particular person OR ELSE, you’re going to psych yourself out. You’re going to invest this one person with terrible significance and subject yourself to any amount of anxiety as you try to read the tea leaves and tell whether or not she’s into you. But if you remain outcome independent and focused on just enjoying yourself, you remain calm and relaxed. You don’t scrutinize everything you say and she does because hey, if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. The only important question is whether you’re having fun.

So it should be with this upcoming trip and any potential relationship with your crush. Focus on just enjoying the trip and the possibility of meeting an Internet friend in person. Everything beyond that is gravy. Do that and you’ll be in a much better position to handle whatever it is that comes your way.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23F looking to start seriously dating again after being single for about half a year. But I don’t know how (or when!) to tell any future boyfriends that one of my closest friends is my ex. We broke up on good terms after 3.5 years, when we finished undergrad. He lives on the other side of the world now.

He and I transitioned pretty easily back to being the great friends we were pre-relationship. We text a good amount and call about twice a month, I’m in his Skype d&d campaign, my mom messages him sometimes. We have clear boundaries in that we established early on where our line of platonic-ness is and how to not go over it and make things uncomfortable (like not teasing, even though we tease other friends, in case it comes across as flirting). Everything’s been totally fine–we even give each other relationship advice.

Even though this feels normal to me, especially because my best friends have historically been guys, I don’t know how to handle the “ex” part of my friend situation with future relationships. I can’t just not talk about him – it would feel weirdly sneaky, and I have too many stories that involve him. But when do I bring it up, and how? Knowing us, our friends thought it was a given that we would pop right back into being friends after we broke up. But I feel like to a new date it would seem weird.

Thanks,

Permanently Platonic

DEAR PERMANENTLY PLATONIC: There’s really not much to explain, PP. “How do you guys know each other?” “We dated for a while, it didn’t work out, we realized we were better off as friends”. Boom, done.

It might be more complicated (but not much) if the two of you were living together or had an incredibly close platonic relationship where you were constant physical presences in each other’s lives that might seem romantic to an outsider. But he’s your best friend, you talk regularly and you’re in the same D&D campaign. None of that’s going to so much as twitch an eyebrow for anyone who’s cool.

Now somebody who’s insecure may have issues with this. But they’d likely have problems with the fact you have “too many” (read: any) male friends, never mind that your BFF is a guy you used to date. So if somebody freaks out over the fact that your best friend is your ex – as opposed to realizing that being on good terms with your ex is a good thing – then that’s as strong a sign that they’re not right for you as you’re likely to find.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem. I really like this junior in my high school (I’m a sophomore). I share two classes with him. We’ve talked a lot over Discord and message each other every once in a while and talk in school, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve had the feeling he likes me too, but of course there’s no way for me to know whether or not that’s true.

That’s where the problem lies: I’m at a standstill. I want to be around him and talk to him more but I don’t know for sure whether he likes me back and wants to do that too or not. I really like him and would like to start a serious relationship but I don’t know what to do or where I’m standing here. I feel like he hovers around me sometimes and wants to talk, but we both don’t know what to say or maybe he’s shy. And he also holds eye contact longer than usual and sometimes starts conversations with me. But then at times I’ll feel like he’s avoiding me or trying to stay away or maybe I’m coming off as rude.

Should I wait for him? Should I say something? Am I overthinking things? My point is, I want to keep moving forward but I don’t know what to do anymore and then I start thinking he doesn’t like me which throws me into a mild state of depression and it’s at the point where something needs to change. Do you have any advice? I’m just confusing and depressing myself further the longer this goes on.

Thanks so much,

A Confused Person

DEAR A CONFUSED PERSON: There’s a very easy way to find out if he likes you or not: use your words. Quit hemming and hawwing and waiting for signs, muscle up and just ask him out on a date.

He’s either going to say “yes” or he’ll give you the Let’s Just Be Friends speech. Either way, you’ll get your answer and know for sure instead of always wondering “maybe but what about”.

And if it’s the case that he’s just not into you that way… well, it’s a shame but now you’re free to find someone else who digs what you have to offer, instead of getting stuck in a constant loop of insecurity and uncertainty.

And as an aside: it’s a good idea to get in the habit of being proactive about your interest instead of sitting around waiting and trying to read the tea leaves. The more time you spend trying to gauge someone’s interest – which, let’s be real, is mostly about trying to avoid rejection – the harder it gets to actually make a move. You spend so long building up the importance of the question that you end up paralyzed, on the chance that he may reject you. Learn to get comfortable with taking the risk.

It means that yes, you’ll get rejected (like everyone does), but it also means you’ll quickly learn that rejection doesn’t hurt more than you allow it to.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a sixteen year old girl who is dating a massive gaming nerd, and while I’m pretty into gaming and anime myself, I find it insanely hard to relate to a lot of the conversations we have. I love him to death, and it’s never that I get bored during the conversation, I just have no idea how to respond and I really wish I did. Also, I’ve noticed how your website is more sexually inclined however a lot of the articles relate more to men and I’ve asked my friends and family about my problem but their advice never seems to hit home.

I had a few delusions about sex before my boyfriend and I did the deed a month ago. We’ve been having steady sex since then, however I haven’t been able to get off a single time since we’ve become sexually active. He’s a ram and bam type of guy and typically ends up going fast until he comes, and that doesn’t really feel good to me. He’s also not small and ends up hitting my cervix most of the time and it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel good either. I was a virgin before, so I don’t have any experience at all in this category and I don’t know if it’s me or him that’s doing it wrong. I’ve lied and told him I’ve come every time we do it, but I do voice my concerns and try doing different things and none of them work. To be honest I’ve never come while masturbating and I’m really afraid I’m defective sexually. Please help!

First Timer

DEAR FIRST TIMER: Let’s slow your roll a little bit, FT. You’re letting a whole lot of things steam-roll into one giant ball of anxiety. Fortunately, the solution all around is simple: you need to use your words. However, I get that this all feels massive and consequential, so we’re gonna pick things apart a little.

Let’s start with the sex, because sorting this out is going to set you up to be able to sort out the other issues as well.

I despair for the sex ed in this country because, quite frankly, it’s awful. If it’s not a glorified plumbing diagram, it’s a giant parcel of lies about sex and abstinence and leaves out all kinds of critical information like “sex is supposed to feel good,” “this the clitoris,” and “porn is nothing like sex in the real world”. One of the things that doesn’t get covered in sex ed is that most women can’t get off from vaginal penetration alone. If you were to believe porn, women start to orgasm as soon as the guy penetrates her and has “look ma, no hands!” orgasms one after another. In real life however, 99% of women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to actually climax and you’re not going to get that through someone jackhammering away at you like a construction worker digging up the street.

But here’s the thing: if you want your partner – whether this guy or someone else in the future – to know how to get you off, YOU need to know how you get off. And that takes some experimentation. Having a penis is somewhat of an advantage here; because it’s external, it’s easier to get started playing around with things and figuring out what’s going to do the trick for you. As a result, that makes it far easier for folks as what got pensises to come to partnered sex knowing their arousal patterns and exactly what sort of stimulation you need. But if you have a vagina and a clit, on the other hand, it’s a tad more difficult – doubly so because of how stigmatized female sexuality is.

So what you need to do is to explore yourself and your body and experiment with different ways of masturbating. Just your hands, with a sex toy or a vibrator, with the shower head… figure out just what you like, how hard or soft you like it and where and how you like it. Vary the pressure and intensity and location – some women need to have direct clitoral contact, others need indirect contact (to the sides or top of the clitoris) while others need pressure on the vulva or pelvis as a whole. Keep in mind that everybody’s different; some people take a long time to get off and require some pretty intense stimulation while other people are easier to get off than an old pair of shoes. That doesn’t make one defective and the other “right”, that’s just how they’re built.

Once you’ve got a fairly solid handle on what gets you off, then it’s time to start practicing a skillset that’s going to serve you well for the rest of your life: communicating your needs and desires to your partner.

Right now, the sex you’re having is all about him and his orgasm. Not only is it not doing anything for you, it’s actually pretty damn uncomfortable. While there are women who enjoy the feeling of getting pounded hard and hitting the cervix, it doesn’t sound like you’re one of them. The problem is that you’ve been telling him what he wants to hear: that he’s been getting you off every time. This means that he doesn’t have any real motivation to, y’know, change things up. All that stroking his ego (ahem) in this way does is encourage him to keep doing what he’s doing because a) he gets his and b) he thinks he’s doing the trick for you in the process.  That, in turn, means that you’re less likely to get your needs met.

So instead of faking your orgasms and telling him he’s been doing it just right, it’s time to come clean and admit the truth: that you didn’t know what to say or how to ask for it and that you didn’t actually get off when you said you did. Then, ask him to do what does get you off.

I know this is going to feel intimidating, awkward and scary. Trust me: you’re sixteen, you’re not expected to know all of this. This is the time when you learn how to speak up for yourself.

Don’t be afraid to speak up about what you need or about what you need him to stop doing or do differently. He is not a mind reader, (nor are any of your future partners) and you’re not telepathic. Unless you say something, he won’t know to do it. If he won’t do it… well that’s a different conversation entirely and one that may need to go in a very different direction.

And while we’re on the subject: don’t restrict your idea of “sex” to just penetration. Oral sex, hand jobs, playing with sex toys, mutual masturbation… these are all different and valid ways of having sex. These give you options besides having to default to penis-in-vagina style banging every single time. And one final thing: having said “yes” once before, or even many times, doesn’t obligate you to have sex with someone any time you don’t want to. Neither does being in a relationship with them. You have a right to define when and how you do and don’t have sex with someone.

But getting back to using your words…

That same “speak up” philosophy applies to your conversations with him as well. Let him know that you’re not really connecting with the things he’s talking about and be willing to change the subject or lead the conversation yourself on occasion. Everybody’s going to have their rhythm and patterns within a relationship and one person will likely do more of the leading, but that doesn’t mean that they get a monopoly on all conversational topics.

Trust me: the sooner you get comfortable with advocating for your own pleasure and needs, in bed or out of it, the better the sex and your relationships will be.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just recently walked for university. I have one more semester but it’s going to be abroad. Regardless, most of my friends I know are done with university and are onto other things. My tight-knit group is being separated and it’s really upsetting me. I get the feeling I may never see them again, which is ridiculous of course, but it just makes me incredibly sad to see them go.

I’ve always been afraid of being alone, and this just enhances that feeling. At the moment I’m sitting in my hometown at my family’s house, whom I love dearly, but this town just enables me to pout and feel sorry for myself.

Am I doomed? Is there any way to deal with this? I feel like I’m being cut off. They were my rock while I was adjusting to university life and now it seems like it has been broken. I just hate feeling alone, and them being hours away just enhances that.

Thanks,

Outward Bound

DEAR OUTWARD BOUND: You’re not doomed, OB. The pain you’re feeling is premature enlightenment. The fact that your social circle is starting to go in different directions doesn’t mean that you’re alone or being abandoned, it just means that you’re moving into a new phase in your life.

The anxiety you feel is perfectly natural, perfectly understandable and completely inaccurate. You’re not alone. In fact, in this day and age, between texting, Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp, Kik, Instagram, FaceTime, Snapchat, Skype and every other social media service under the sun, you have more ways of keeping in contact with them than ever before. Hell, now that VR is slowly starting to enter the consumer market, it’s entirely possible for you all to hang out in the same room even when you’re thousands of miles apart.

But rather than just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, you need to be proactive. Now is the time to go out and start practicing your social skills and connecting with new people. Don’t worry about trying to find people who you’re just as tight with as your current group, just make a point of being social and building that network of people around you. Maybe some of them will be as close as your current friends. Maybe some of them will only be part of your life for a little while. Either way, that’s fine. Having these new people in your life will help remind you that no, you’re not alone. Taking control – knowing that you can meet new people and make new friends – will help push that fear away.

And don’t forget: you and your current friends can make plans to get back together and see each other. Maybe now’s a good time to start planning for a group vacation a few months down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)