DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 26 year old guy who has been single for about 10 years now and I solely hold the blame for this for refusing to put myself out there, a couple reasons aside but one unique that I’m sharing now.

In my last relationship, when I was about 16, I was dating my best friend, who I met through both being bullied and standing up against our said bullies together and both suffering with depression and suicidal tendencies. Our relationship was possibly one of the most toxic you could think of. She would break up with me, say she had messed with other guys then get together again within days, but as my first girlfriend, I would be hurt but accept her back again. She would self-harm, cutting herself with safety pins and boxcutters, and this had hurt me so, to the point that, (so ashamed) I started to cut as well, in an attempt to get her to stop, and she had for a few weeks. Eventually, I got addicted to it and would cut not even being depressed.

After a year of this, there came a point where she had to break things off with me indefinitely (we lost our virginity to each other and her parents found out) and I lost it, I tried to commit suicide right after, and I had used a razorblade to carve her name into my left wrist along with about 20 more scars across it. I was taken from the school, and institutionalized for 5 days and was forced to go to a therapist for about a year.

Fast forward to now: While I do still have my bouts with depression and social anxiety, I have many other ways to cope but the scars, her name included are still there, very present to see and have never went away. I have had some female interests but I always hold back emotionally and try to mind keeping my arm folded over to not have my arm seen. I’ve slipped up before and a girl would ask “What’s that” but I would just say “Oh, I had an bad accident, fell into some glass as a kid” or “Not sure what you mean” and change the subject swiftly and it usually works for that time but I know that it can’t really go away.

But my most recent dating disaster was the last straw for me as there was a girl that I have been seeing for 2 months now, and I got comfortable enough to tell her over the phone, at least that I used to self-harm and about that ex but she never physically seen it, it was the winter months and was in a hoodie or long sleeve the whole time and didn’t think about it when we seen each other next. But eventually she broke things off with me Christmas Eve but over other reasons, but I felt it was a part of those reasons but it was one of the hardest breaks I’ve had in a few years now.

I hate to throw one more layer on this, but if it matters, also being a black man, I feel even more insecure about this as mental health conversations stereotypically aren’t a thing in the community and the fact that I have gotten much shit from other black people for “doing something white people only do” (not my words, don’t mean to offend), I feel even more isolated trying to get comfortable and own up to this or get to the point I could or even would explain it to someone at all, to someone of my own race or not.

Only thing I could think of is just having to wear long sleeves now all year long or maybe get a tattoo over it, but to be honest, placing myself in any girl’s shoes, and hearing a guy had cut an ex’s name into his arm years ago, I understand perfectly why they would do an about-face and run for the hills immediately after. But, do I deserve this forever for being a shitty person in my teens?

Thank you for the help.

Scars of The Past

DEAR SCARS OF THE PAST: I’m going to be blunt. Scars, there’s only one thing you need to do here. You need to make like a Disney character and just let it go.

For real: you were a shitty teenager with an anxiety condition (which sucks but is totally understandable), a girlfriend with a similar issue and an overdeveloped sense of drama (which is to say: you were a teenager). You and your girlfriend both were stuck in an ugly feedback loop. She’s self-harm, you’d self-harm to try to get her to stop self-harming, that would trigger things in her, wash, rinse, repeat.

Obviously this wasn’t healthy for either of you and you both came out of it with literal scars. But here’s the thing: that was ten years ago. You got therapy, you got a handle on your mental health, you don’t cut or self-harm any more. That’s not who you are any more.

So why in pluperfect hell are you still acting like it? My dude, you are taking an issue from when you were a teenager, deep frying it in extra drama and serving it up with a side of drama sauce for dipping. Yeah, you did stupid stuff when you were a teenager. So did literally everyone else. It’s called “being a teenager”. The only difference is that most people look back on the stupid stuff they did as a teenager, cringe a little and pray to whatever gods they believe in that they managed to scrub the evidence off Facebook and 4chan. You, on the other hand, keep it close to your heart like a sh

ty edgelord phylactery.

You need to let that go dude, cuz honestly, the only person who gives that much of a damn about it? Is you.

And the only person who can forgive you for this? Also you.

Yeah, you have physical scars to remind you, but it’s the mental ones that’re messing you up right now. You keep this around like it’s The Sin That Can Never Be Forgiven instead of the depressed kid’s version of getting their girlfriend’s name as a tattoo and now they feel like they can only date girls named Meg. Seriously, as far as teenaged indiscretions go, yours is fairly common – concerning, yes, but hardly disqualifying as a potential boyfriend. You weren’t sexually abusive or physically violent. You just didn’t know how to handle some intense crap.

And that’s OK. You were a a teenager. Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing when they’re a teenager. Especially when it involves someone you care about harming themselves.

Your past is your past, my dude. It sucks that you went through all of that and I totally sympathize. But right now the past isn’t prologue; it’s not even past. And the only person who’s really making a fuss about it is you. Hell, even the last person you told about having done self-harm took it in stride. The only person who seems to think your scars were an issue is you and – no offense – you’re not the most reliable source here.

So here’s what you need to do: let the immensity of this go. You can forgive yourself for the things you did nearly half your lifetime ago. It’s ok. This isn’t a burden that you need to carry for the rest of your life.

 Stop treating your scars like something to hide or be ashamed of and stop lying about them. Here’s what you say if anyone asks: “I had an anxiety issue when I was younger, and I didn’t handle it well.” That’s it. 99% of people will understand, and the remaining 1% who might give you damn about it will have self-selected out of your dating pool either.

OK sure, you have someone’s name carved into your arm. Fortunately, that’s easily taken care of; go find a tattoo artist whose work you admire and get that sucker covered up. See if you can come up with a symbol or design that represents who you are now – or who you want to be – and get that sucker slapped right over that name.  You’re not pretending it never happened; you’re just acknowledging that it doesn’t define you. It’s part of what made you who you are today, not the Mark of Cain.

You’ve put in a lot of work to get your mental health in order, Scars. That took guts. That took effort and strength and perseverance. Stop undoing all the hard work you put in by treating the things you did as a teenager who didn’t know better as the mark of eternal damnation. You’ve grown past being that person. Forgive yourself for being imperfect, forgive yourself for the things that you did and accept that it’s in the past. Let the past go and be who you are now.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love your blog; you give awesome advice so I had to ask you about this.

I’m a young single woman with a dilemma. I hate when people use numbers to assign attractiveness to people, but I’m going to here just to make the divide clear.

There’s a bar in my city that my friends and/or my family go to once a week, almost every week. The bartenders and security team know us well and we always have a great time. One of the security guys is really fun to hang out with; he’s super sweet and hilarious, and he’s extremely hot. He and I really get along well and I’ve always thought that it had a lot to do with the fact that since he’s a ten and I’m a three, that I feel totally comfortable around him as a friend. That’s not a slam to my self-esteem by the way, I know I’m a three and I’m happy dating other threes. Recently, however, this guy has been messaging me a lot more frequently than usual. It’s always playful like, “missed you this week, love ya!” Or “been thinking about you…kisses” and the last time I saw him, right before I left, he made sure to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek – not normal for us.

He seems really great so I’d totally be down, even if it’s just casual, but my hesitation stems from not knowing his motivation. He could probably have any girl he wanted, so why the heck is he pursuing me!? I’ve never been pursued by someone that is as attractive as him and it makes me nervous. Am I right to be cautious or should I just start returning the flirting and see where it goes?

It’s A Trap?

DEAR IT’S A TRAP: You know, IaT, I’m reminded of the story of Brienne of Tarth.

(Spoilers if you’re not necessarily upon your Game of Thrones)

Part of her backstory is that Brienne was not traditionally good looking or femme-presenting. She’s taller than fashionable, more muscular than most women, slimmer hipped and flat-chested and a face that seems more mannish and out of proportion than was desirable. But as the young daughter of nobility, there were those who actively courted her, including a young man who she thought loved her.

Turns out, he was part of a group of sh

ty courtiers who thought it’d be funny to compete to lead her on and see who’d be the first to bang her because sometimes people are shitty that way. Needless to say: she was shattered by this revelation, which seemed to only confirm that nobody could possibly love someone as ugly as she.

It’s not unreasonable to be worried about people acting like this. There’re a number of real-world parallels to be found; frat boys who “go hogging”, for example, or sh

ty edgelords who catfish autistic “lolcows” and lead them to think that they’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually exist.

But the fact that sh

ty people exist doesn’t mean that everybody’s sh

ty. Nor, for that matter, does the fact that YOU think that you’re a three mean that everyone thinks you’re a three. Attraction is an incredibly personal issue. While we may agree on a lot of people who are conventionally attractive, the fact that they’re attractive doesn’t mean that everyone’s attracted to them. Kim Kardashian is a good-looking woman, but there’re people who will never see the appeal. Michael B. Jordan may make a girl so horny she bit through her own retainer, but there’re women who wouldn’t bang him with someone else’s junk.

Which is to say: you may have a view of your own attractiveness, but that doesn’t mean that this dude agrees with you. He may well dig your personality or your sense of humor, or he just may think you’re hot, even if you don’t.

Or he could be horny and figures you might be up for something without too much work.

Or he just may be naturally flirty and feels as though the two of you have reached a point in your friendship that he feels comfortable flirting with you. Some people will flirt because it’s harmless fun, not because they want anything to happen.

The point is: you don’t know what it could be because hey, you’re not Jean Grey or Professor X. What you are is intelligent, however. Based on what you know about the guy, how likely do you think it is that he’s just screwing with your head? In the time that you’ve known him, has he ever revealed himself to be callous or cruel? Or has he been a good guy, even when he thinks nobody’s looking?

And while it’s not unreasonable to be cautious, I’d also say that the question to ask is: how do you feel about things?Are you enjoying the flirting for the sake of flirting? Are you cool with a little mutual bantering, or does it make you uncomfortable if it’s just flirting? If it turns out that he just wants what he thinks might be a low-investment, low-effort hook-up, are you ok with taking advantage of that to bang a seriously hot dude? If he’s using you, are you cool with using him in return?

I’m of the opinion of balancing what you know of him vs. what you’d like to see happen. If you think you’ve got enough of a grasp on what this dude is about and you’re willing to roll the dice, I say flirt back a little and see what happens. If he starts to up the ante, then go ahead and call the question and ask just where he’s going with this.

And to go back to Brienne: not only did she grow up to be one of the greatest knights of her generation, but she’s got at least one dude (or more) more than half in love with her. Which is to say: don’t discount the possibility that he may genuinely like you. The fact that you may not be conventionally hot doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who won’t dig what you have to offer. As I’ve said before: it’s better to be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.

I’d say tread cautiously, but if your instincts tell you he’s on the up and up? Then I’d say roll the dice and take your chances.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an older-than-I-want-to-say woman. There’s a guy at my job who is the same age. We’ve been flirting for probably about a year now. I always took it as ‘play’ flirting, although he would occasionally mention that I hadn’t given him my number, his weekend could have been better (wink, wink), etc. I was reluctant because I wasn’t sure I was into him. Plus, I worried that we might end up hating each other if we tried to connect on a different level (hey, it happens sometimes).

About a month and a half ago, my feelings began to change. He has been really affectionate; always coming in for hugs and giving me sweet pecks on the face and neck. I thought he was really sweet and attentive. So I decided to give him my number. But, it was after I told him why I had been reluctant (didn’t want us to hate each other), and mentioning that I’m not really a phone person.

Well, he didn’t call me. I chalked it up to probably having scared him off, and didn’t take it personally. I privately teased him a little about being scared off, and things were basically the same. (For the record, to my knowledge, there’s maybe only one other person who knows about he and I). About two weeks later, he approached me and said he would call me. I was excited; I was off that weekend and hoped we could maybe spend a little time beginning to get to know each other better.

Well, he didn’t call me. I was a little pissed. I felt like he was trying to make a fool of me; just wanting to see how far I would take it. While I didn’t cease communication, I was distant. It was evident I wasn’t pleased. But he remained the same. He continued to reach out to me. Eventually I let it go and things went back to the way they’d always been.

In fact, things seemed to get even better. I should mention that I had never asked/confronted him about not calling me. I didn’t want things to be awkward at work for either of us, and I didn’t want it to seem like I was running behind him.

So the flirting seemed to intensify, and I finally felt comfortable enough to ask him why he never called. He said he’d lost my number. He then proceeded to give me his number. He seemed sincere and I was thrilled. Again, it was my weekend off and I had the same hopes as before.

That was Friday. I called him Saturday afternoon. I immediately sensed a shift. While I don’t think he was physically with someone based on some things he said, it was immediately evident that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me. We talked about 15 minutes, he ended the conversation, and he didn’t indicate any interest in continuing phone contact. I was hurt and embarrassed. I decided that I was done. I don’t know if he has someone, just isn’t interested in me, or a little of both. Either way, it’s clear he’s not interested. It sucks, but that’s life.

The problem is he continues with the same degree of flirting. Initially I didn’t think I had an issue with this, but I find myself becoming increasingly depressed (this isn’t the only reason for this, but it’s in the top three). I have tried distancing myself from him, which isn’t too difficult at my job, but he seeks me out. He definitely notices that I am distant and goes out of his way to reach out. I believe my issue is that twice I have given him the benefit of the doubt, continued to play along, and both times been disappointed, rejected, and hurt. I’m reluctant to play along again. I feel like the joke is on me but I’m not in on it. He dangles a carrot in front of me and when I reach for it, he snatches it away.

I honestly don’t know what is up with him. I’m afraid to ask for fear of seeming desperate and of getting my feelings hurt. And frankly, it doesn’t matter. He’s obviously not into me. My question is: what do you think is going on with him, and how should I navigate this minefield at work? I don’t want things to be awkward and uncomfortable. But I also don’t want my heartstrings tugged and trampled every day.

Maybe Yes Maybe No

DEAR MAYBE YES MAYBE NO: There’s a aphorism that was coined by Robert Heinlein: Hanlon’s Razor. According to Hanlon’s Razor, you should never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. I don’t think your work flirt buddy is trying to string you along or is deliberately playing with your emotions. I think what’s far more likely is that he has no idea that you’re as invested in this as you actually are.

Something that a lot of people often don’t realize is that some people are just flirty. Just as some people enjoy making bad puns and others relate everything to sports, some people default to flirty behavior. It’s just an aspect of their personality, something they do because hey, it’s fun to flirt. The problem is that not everybody flirts for sport. Some people don’t appreciate being flirted with and some don’t appreciate people who flirt without intent. This misalignment can result in irritation and hurt feelings, especially if the flirter doesn’t recognize when someone else is taking it seriously.

(Although, pecks on the cheek and neck are just… well, hope he has better social calibration than he seems, because otherwise that’s a “yikes” from me, bro.)

Now that having been said, it’s also possible that there’s misalignment in other areas cropping up. The first is that you handed him your number and then told him that you’re not really a phone person. While I can’t speak for your coworker, to me, that would seem like some mixed signals. From the way you phrased it here, I think he might be forgiven for hearing “here’s my number, never use it.”

It’s also possible that he’s not comfortable talking on the phone. While it’s more common in millenials and younger generations, a lot of folks hate talking on the phone with the heat of a thousand suns. For them, texting is the way they prefer to communicate; someone calling on the phone feels awkward and makes them anxious. So you might have had better luck sending him a flirty text.

You might also have taken the initiative earlier than you did and made the first move yourself instead of waiting by the phone for him to call. While you may have had the same results – an uncomfortable and awkward conversation that went nowhere – at least you would’ve realized that this isn’t what you want or need.

Regardless, this series of near-misses, miscommunications or just plain incompatibility has lead to a point where you’re actively confused and upset. That’s why the thing you should do is what you should’ve done a while ago: use your words with this guy. While I understand your worry about appearing desperate, I think you’re well within your rights to say “Dude, what the fuck?” Trying to get some clarity isn’t desperate, it’s the first step in establishing some much-needed boundaries. If he’s a flirts-for-fun guy and you’re not a flirts-for-fun kind of lady, then the best thing you can do is say “I appreciate the flirting but if you don’t mean it, I don’t want it.”  If he does mean it and he’s having his own debate of “wait, is she interested or not”, then now he’ll know where you stand. Then the two of you can try to hash out whether you want to give things another shot while everybody’s on the same page.

Pulling him aside and having a much-needed convo about just what’s going on, how it’s making you feel and how you would prefer to interact from now on will do you a world of good. It may not get you any meaningful answers, but at least you’ll have cleared up any lingering confusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been in the scene for a little over a year now after taking an entire quarter+ of my life off of dating. I’m 26 and coming around to the idea that I’m not a bad looking guy and that I have a certain charm. Anyway, there’s a girl. She’s a little younger and a lot more experienced. The problem: I live in Kentucky and she only lives here part time. After an amazing few dates, she left town for her other part time home on the west coast. She’s been there a week and a half now and won’t be back for three more weeks, and then she’ll be here for about four weeks, then off to the beaches again.

I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. It’s casual because she does not live here and doesn’t know if she’ll even live in the US in six months. I knew that going in. But what I can’t take is the lack of communication. She doesn’t ever text me first and when I text her she replies like six hours later at best and it’s usually only a few words. I don’t even know if I should be texting her at all and that drives me nuts too. She said she would let me know when she’s back in town and ready to hang out, and that makes me wonder if I should even ask her out when she’s back. If she doesn’t ask me out I know I will have to – I’m not going to ghost myself – but I guess my question is, how can I make sure she’s still interested without putting her off? Last time I said I thought she was awesome over text she gave me a “haha” and the memory haunts me. 

Relatedly, is it healthy to convince yourself that nothing is wrong and you’re just being anxious? I haven’t been able to do that but I’ve been trying. I’ve failed because I think too logically and I know that I cant be sure that nothing is wrong even if I know that at one point she liked me.

From,

Simply Clueless

DEAR SIMPLY CLUELESS: Alright, there’re a few problems here DI, and the first is that you’re seriously over-invested. Now I get it: you haven’t had much dating experience and you’ve hit it off with this awesome woman who thinks you’re a fair bit of alright too. It’s totally understandable that you’re a little twitterpated and all caught up in the thrill and novelty of it all. But the truth is that you’re giving this relationship far more importance and significance than it really deserves. You know, intellectually, that this is a relationship with an uncertain future at best and that you’re going to see each other sporadically, if at all.

Those are all signs that this isn’t the relationship to be putting as many emotional investments in. But that’s what you’re doing, which is exactly why you’re in the emotional state you’re in.

Right now, you’re putting far too much thought into the meaning of everything, especially for what is ultimately a fairly casual relationship, particularly a long-distance casual relationship. I strongly suspect that as much as you see this as casual, this is more casual for her than it is for you. You’ve invested more than she has and you’re expecting more in return than I think she has to offer. And I think you may know this at some level; that’s part of why you’re so caught up with reading the tea-leaves and trying to divine meaning from silence and the length of her replies. The conflict between what you’re hoping for and what you’re feeling is triggering your anxiety.

Part of why we all get so hung up on the “OH GOD WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN” is because of the ambiguity of the situation. You want one result but you feel like the other is happening and the tension between the two – that sense of uncertainty – is incredibly uncomfortable. You don’t want to be right, but you’re afraid you are and you’re trying to find proof you’re wrong.  That’s why little things like an innocuous response to your text is keeping you up at night: you’re trying to make this fit between your hopes and fears.

Unfortunately, the answer to this is to collapse this particular dating quantum waveform and accept that she’s not into you the way that you’re into her. Yeah, I realize this is the opposite of what you’re hoping for. But here’s the thing: this will actually ease your anxiety. Having an answer, period, will settle you down. Yes, even when it’s not the answer you’re hoping for. The certainty will feel far better to you than constantly being on edge, trying to figure out where this is going and what you’re doing wrong.

Now this doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or won’t want to see you when she’s in town. It just means that she’s not looking for something that’s going to continue beyond when the two of you are in physical proximity to one another.  If she’s in town, she’ll want to see you, but texting and staying in regular touch doesn’t seem to be what she’s looking for. If you want this to have a chance of working, then you need to adjust your expectations accordingly.

I think it may help to think of this as akin to a summer romance: glorious and exciting but temporary… but all the sweeter for its brevity. Don’t take it as a sign that you’re undesirable or unwanted, but as proof that there are people who dig you and what you have to offer. Take the thrill, the experience and the confidence you gain from this short term relationship and let that help power and motivate you as you look for something closer what you want in the long term… and possibly closer to home.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a situation that would really benefit from your advice. You know how you say monogamy is agreeing to not bang other people, not an agreement to never want to bang other people? Well, this is pretty much that. Buckle up, it’s background story time:

Back in 2013 I met a guy called Pete*. We fell into a FWB set up from the beginning, which was what we both wanted. We bonded quickly and the sex was phenomenal. I had been going through an awful time for several years, pretty much everything from finances to a burgeoning drug and alcohol problem. Pete was my rock, and going to his place was one of the few calm, sane moments of my life. So obviously, I catch feelings.

I didn’t stop sleeping with Pete. I did put out the feelers to see if a relationship was on the cards, but for some very good reasons, he didn’t feel capable of being in a relationship. My feelings aside, Pete was a great friend and I’m good enough at compartmentalizing that I can be happy with what we had. Meanwhile, I had several other FWBs and I was parting hard and banging a lot of dudes.

Start of 2015, I moved across the country. I was still partying, and got some new FWBs and some casual relationships. Only one serious relationship, and that ended in utter heartbreak. Pete and I are still talking, still friends. He felt ready to start dating again, which was hard to deal with, but I made peace with it and felt like I’d successfully moved on. Completely unintentionally, we both kept having breakups within months of each other, and sleeping together post breakup became our “thing”.

He was never using me, and he’s always been honest with me. He’s a great guy, there was just bad timing. Besides, there’s a lot of reasons we’re much better off as friends. We really wouldn’t last if we had a relationship, believe me.

After a few years in my new town, I met Carl* on holiday. After talking for months, we realize we have feelings for each other, and now I live in his country. We’re getting married in August. He’s absolutely the guy for me, and we’re brilliant together. I’ve not had a lot of serious relationships, but this is the best I’ve ever felt with someone.

We have one issue, and that’s sex. It’s regular, and it’s improving, but it’s not quite there. There’s a few reasons why that is. Firstly he’s only just getting confident and comfortable. We also temporarily live with his parents, which puts a bit of a dampener on things, and he’s away every other week for work.

Then there’s my past. I was self destruction partying for 10 straight years, and my hobby was essentially drinking heavily, upping my number of sexual partners, and getting into wild, crazy situations. I was very good at it. My number got to the triple digits and snorting coke of a stripper mid foursome doesn’t even make my top 5 of crazy. A bit before I got with Carl, I was trying to sort my life out, but sudden monogamy has still been a bit jarring. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I’m genuinely enthusiastic about monogamy, but I’m kinda having to relearn sex and distinguish between stuff I enjoyed and stuff that was just for the craziness.

Anyway, Pete met a woman around the time Carl happened, and was even taking about marriage. We’re pretty much best friends by now, and I was happy for him. But just after New Years, Pete told me they’d split. We got talking, and soon started joking about the break up booty call situation, as well as reminiscing about non-sexual time together. Neither of us pushed it, but the conversation slipped into flirting and alluding to memories of sex. Somehow, the conversation resulted in me giving him the go ahead to bash one out to old photos and videos of me.

We’ve been talking more regularly since then, and the conversation invariably goes at least somewhat that way every time. And obviously, this has gotten to be an issue. In our latest conversation, he told me that his ex had photos of him on her Fetlife account. We joked about forbidden fruit, the conversation itself was above board. But I made a huge leap over the line, not to mention stalker-ish and a bit mental. I made a fake account and searched for the ex, scrolling though member lists of people in her town. And I found the pictures. Not only are they ridiculously hot, there’s also a few of them involving a kink that I never knew he had, and it’s one of my biggies.

The chemistry between us is definitely not dead, I feel like I used to when I was driving to his place. I’m getting giggly, I’m getting giddy, just his name popping up on my screen is starting to turn me on, and I’m having fantasies of banging him or of him professing his undying love to me. It’s 2014 all over again.

I’m in no way planning on cheating on Carl, and it’s not making me doubt the future marriage. Carl and I have maybe gotten a bit too comfortable with each other, we need to spark up again and make sex naughty instead of a nice end to the day. It’s an area that needs work and I’m happy to do it. Pete wouldn’t sleep with someone in a relationship either. And even if we did actively want to bang, I’m a four hour flight away, and a 4 hour drive from the airport. Basically, there’s zero risk of anything happening.

That said, I’m messing myself up a bit with this. The Pete issue was dead and buried, and now I’m waking it back up again and with no good reason. I know fantasies aren’t cheating, but I think a lot of this is at least in a grey area. I’m also finding that part of me doesn’t want to stop, and that’s not good, is it?

How do I cut this off, Doc? I don’t just wanna freeze Pete out, he’s my best friend, and we easily managed to talk non-sexually with each other since we both got into relationships. We can be “just friends”. Is there a way to switch this off and go back to considering him a bro? Can I bury this again? Or am I gonna have to lose a best friend?

PS: I have a therapist and I am talking to her about it but your perspective on things like this is always great.

Simmer Down

DEAR SIMMER DOWN: It’s times like this that I think of The Happy Pervert’s Prayer: “Lead me not into temptation because I know the way just fine, thanks.”

There’re a couple of issues here that feed into one another, SD. The first is that you’re in something of a transitional period. It’s good that you’re getting your crap sorted – one of the most important parts of any relationship is to make sure that you’re in good working order – but as I’m sure you’re learning: it’s a process. You’re having to unlearn old habits and carve new grooves into your brain. And even though you know intellectually that some of the stuff you were doing was just craziness for craziness’ sake, it takes a lot of effort to break out of old patterns. The human brain is lazy, and it prefers to do what it’s used to. Trying to start new patterns requires energy and effort; the old and familiar means that you can coast on autopilot.

Plus, there’s the addiction angle; even self-destructive behavior can trigger a dopamine rush, and your brain wants more of that. So when you start to change those patterns, your brain will fight you every step of the way so it can keep getting that happy dopamine buzz. It will deliberately flood you with cravings to make you go get that rush. Anyone who’s ever tried to change their diet or give up things like sodas or caffeine know that feeling; you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine OH GOD GIVE ME ALL THE DIET DR. PEPPER RIGHT THE HELL NOW NOW NOW.

This is what’s known as an “extinction burst” and it’s an insidious way our brains sabotage us because brains just don’t give a damn.

So that’s one part of the puzzle.

The next is the sexual side of things between you and your fiancé. As you said: things are rocky right now. There’re a lot of understandable reasons for it, sure… but it’s still rough. And once again: the fact that you recognize intellectually that issues aren’t your fault doesn’t change the fact that your brain (and your junk) doesn’t care. You essentially have to muscle through the tough times; you have to be reminding your jerk brain that things are doing better and the reason why it’s not all four alarm fires and crazy rodeo-banging is because hey, timing sucks right now!

And then there’s Pete. Pete is known. Pete is familiar. You’re having to work with Carl, but you know things with Pete was relatively effortless. And once again, we have the intellect vs. the sensual: you know intellectually that things can’t work between you but GODDDAMN the sex was fire. Thus the problem: Carl takes work. Pete is the easier looking path. If you’ll forgive an inelegant metaphor, Carl is a delicious salad that you’re making at home while Pete is the fast food cheeseburger with large fries from the drive through.

And believe me, I understand. I have partners in my past where we could never make it as a couple but hoooo damn all those reasons disappeared when the clothes came off.

But of course, understanding the issue is only one step. The next is: “what do you do about things”?

And well, I’m reminded of the old joke.

“Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this.”

“Well, stop going like that.”

The reason these temptations keep flaring up is… well, y’all keep flirting. And while I’m a firm believer that micro-cheating is bulls

t, that you can be friends with people you want to bang and that there’s nothing wrong with flirty friendships… there’s a flirty friendship and then there’s crossing the line. And honestly? With the life you’re trying to live right now, you’re not just tip-toeing up to the line, you’re playing “just the tip” with it.

If you really want to let the attraction between the two of you fade, you really need to stop feeding it. Your friendship can’t be strictly platonic if you keep poking at it and saying “hey, remember how great the sex was? Hey, wanna spank it to my pics like you used to? Man, if only we could bang like we used to BUT WE CAN’T but what if we could?”

And for real: you may have some inconveniences now… but I am willing to bet no small amount of money that one of you is going to end up in a situation where you just happen to be within a reasonable drive of one another. I’m not saying you’re going to go out of your way to make this happen… but I amsaying that you may take the opportunity when it comes up.

You’ve been putting yourself into temptation’s way and dude, I totally get it. It’s hot, it’s fun, it gets your engine running in ways that just aren’t happening with Carl right now. But the longer you do this, the easier it’s going to be for accidents to happen. Like “Oops, my finger slipped and here’s a new photo” accident. Or “Oops, I may have accidentally booked a ticket to your city”.

If you want your friendship to last and you want to maintain your relationship with Carl, then you need to start setting some boundaries between you and Pete. That means no flirting, no looking up sexy pics of each other on FetLife, no talking about how much you two still love to rub one out to the memory (or old souvenirs).

One thing that may help is adding extra layers that you have to navigate through to get to those old temptations. Remember what I said about our brains being lazy? The more inconvenient you can make it to fuel those fantasies, the less likely you are to indulge them. Doing things like putting those souvenirs out of reach and using an app to block FetLife adds extra steps to getting to those spicy pics. Yeah, you can totally turn off the app and get access… but that’s still another step to go through and there’s all the porn on the Internet that’s easier to get to.

By all means, keep talking, keep being friends, even joke about the old break-up pattern you had. But leave the sex out of it. It’s too easy to fall into old patterns and let those old habits come back. And since I know it will happen – because been there, done that, printed the t-shirt – you will hit the “Oh, we’re over this, we can totally flirt a little, it’ll be fine” wall after a few weeks. Trust me: you’re not and you can’t. That’s just the extinction burst hitting back.

Oh and while you’re at it, devote some time to having some crazy adventures with Carl. It’s good that things are improving, but you may want to devote more time and attention to solving that side of your relationship. It’s a lot easier to resist old temptations when you’ve got something new and tempting right in front of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)