DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a situation that would really benefit from your advice. You know how you say monogamy is agreeing to not bang other people, not an agreement to never want to bang other people? Well, this is pretty much that. Buckle up, it’s background story time:

Back in 2013 I met a guy called Pete*. We fell into a FWB set up from the beginning, which was what we both wanted. We bonded quickly and the sex was phenomenal. I had been going through an awful time for several years, pretty much everything from finances to a burgeoning drug and alcohol problem. Pete was my rock, and going to his place was one of the few calm, sane moments of my life. So obviously, I catch feelings.

I didn’t stop sleeping with Pete. I did put out the feelers to see if a relationship was on the cards, but for some very good reasons, he didn’t feel capable of being in a relationship. My feelings aside, Pete was a great friend and I’m good enough at compartmentalizing that I can be happy with what we had. Meanwhile, I had several other FWBs and I was parting hard and banging a lot of dudes.

Start of 2015, I moved across the country. I was still partying, and got some new FWBs and some casual relationships. Only one serious relationship, and that ended in utter heartbreak. Pete and I are still talking, still friends. He felt ready to start dating again, which was hard to deal with, but I made peace with it and felt like I’d successfully moved on. Completely unintentionally, we both kept having breakups within months of each other, and sleeping together post breakup became our “thing”.

He was never using me, and he’s always been honest with me. He’s a great guy, there was just bad timing. Besides, there’s a lot of reasons we’re much better off as friends. We really wouldn’t last if we had a relationship, believe me.

After a few years in my new town, I met Carl* on holiday. After talking for months, we realize we have feelings for each other, and now I live in his country. We’re getting married in August. He’s absolutely the guy for me, and we’re brilliant together. I’ve not had a lot of serious relationships, but this is the best I’ve ever felt with someone.

We have one issue, and that’s sex. It’s regular, and it’s improving, but it’s not quite there. There’s a few reasons why that is. Firstly he’s only just getting confident and comfortable. We also temporarily live with his parents, which puts a bit of a dampener on things, and he’s away every other week for work.

Then there’s my past. I was self destruction partying for 10 straight years, and my hobby was essentially drinking heavily, upping my number of sexual partners, and getting into wild, crazy situations. I was very good at it. My number got to the triple digits and snorting coke of a stripper mid foursome doesn’t even make my top 5 of crazy. A bit before I got with Carl, I was trying to sort my life out, but sudden monogamy has still been a bit jarring. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I’m genuinely enthusiastic about monogamy, but I’m kinda having to relearn sex and distinguish between stuff I enjoyed and stuff that was just for the craziness.

Anyway, Pete met a woman around the time Carl happened, and was even taking about marriage. We’re pretty much best friends by now, and I was happy for him. But just after New Years, Pete told me they’d split. We got talking, and soon started joking about the break up booty call situation, as well as reminiscing about non-sexual time together. Neither of us pushed it, but the conversation slipped into flirting and alluding to memories of sex. Somehow, the conversation resulted in me giving him the go ahead to bash one out to old photos and videos of me.

We’ve been talking more regularly since then, and the conversation invariably goes at least somewhat that way every time. And obviously, this has gotten to be an issue. In our latest conversation, he told me that his ex had photos of him on her Fetlife account. We joked about forbidden fruit, the conversation itself was above board. But I made a huge leap over the line, not to mention stalker-ish and a bit mental. I made a fake account and searched for the ex, scrolling though member lists of people in her town. And I found the pictures. Not only are they ridiculously hot, there’s also a few of them involving a kink that I never knew he had, and it’s one of my biggies.

The chemistry between us is definitely not dead, I feel like I used to when I was driving to his place. I’m getting giggly, I’m getting giddy, just his name popping up on my screen is starting to turn me on, and I’m having fantasies of banging him or of him professing his undying love to me. It’s 2014 all over again.

I’m in no way planning on cheating on Carl, and it’s not making me doubt the future marriage. Carl and I have maybe gotten a bit too comfortable with each other, we need to spark up again and make sex naughty instead of a nice end to the day. It’s an area that needs work and I’m happy to do it. Pete wouldn’t sleep with someone in a relationship either. And even if we did actively want to bang, I’m a four hour flight away, and a 4 hour drive from the airport. Basically, there’s zero risk of anything happening.

That said, I’m messing myself up a bit with this. The Pete issue was dead and buried, and now I’m waking it back up again and with no good reason. I know fantasies aren’t cheating, but I think a lot of this is at least in a grey area. I’m also finding that part of me doesn’t want to stop, and that’s not good, is it?

How do I cut this off, Doc? I don’t just wanna freeze Pete out, he’s my best friend, and we easily managed to talk non-sexually with each other since we both got into relationships. We can be “just friends”. Is there a way to switch this off and go back to considering him a bro? Can I bury this again? Or am I gonna have to lose a best friend?

PS: I have a therapist and I am talking to her about it but your perspective on things like this is always great.

Simmer Down

DEAR SIMMER DOWN: It’s times like this that I think of The Happy Pervert’s Prayer: “Lead me not into temptation because I know the way just fine, thanks.”

There’re a couple of issues here that feed into one another, SD. The first is that you’re in something of a transitional period. It’s good that you’re getting your crap sorted – one of the most important parts of any relationship is to make sure that you’re in good working order – but as I’m sure you’re learning: it’s a process. You’re having to unlearn old habits and carve new grooves into your brain. And even though you know intellectually that some of the stuff you were doing was just craziness for craziness’ sake, it takes a lot of effort to break out of old patterns. The human brain is lazy, and it prefers to do what it’s used to. Trying to start new patterns requires energy and effort; the old and familiar means that you can coast on autopilot.

Plus, there’s the addiction angle; even self-destructive behavior can trigger a dopamine rush, and your brain wants more of that. So when you start to change those patterns, your brain will fight you every step of the way so it can keep getting that happy dopamine buzz. It will deliberately flood you with cravings to make you go get that rush. Anyone who’s ever tried to change their diet or give up things like sodas or caffeine know that feeling; you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine OH GOD GIVE ME ALL THE DIET DR. PEPPER RIGHT THE HELL NOW NOW NOW.

This is what’s known as an “extinction burst” and it’s an insidious way our brains sabotage us because brains just don’t give a damn.

So that’s one part of the puzzle.

The next is the sexual side of things between you and your fiancé. As you said: things are rocky right now. There’re a lot of understandable reasons for it, sure… but it’s still rough. And once again: the fact that you recognize intellectually that issues aren’t your fault doesn’t change the fact that your brain (and your junk) doesn’t care. You essentially have to muscle through the tough times; you have to be reminding your jerk brain that things are doing better and the reason why it’s not all four alarm fires and crazy rodeo-banging is because hey, timing sucks right now!

And then there’s Pete. Pete is known. Pete is familiar. You’re having to work with Carl, but you know things with Pete was relatively effortless. And once again, we have the intellect vs. the sensual: you know intellectually that things can’t work between you but GODDDAMN the sex was fire. Thus the problem: Carl takes work. Pete is the easier looking path. If you’ll forgive an inelegant metaphor, Carl is a delicious salad that you’re making at home while Pete is the fast food cheeseburger with large fries from the drive through.

And believe me, I understand. I have partners in my past where we could never make it as a couple but hoooo damn all those reasons disappeared when the clothes came off.

But of course, understanding the issue is only one step. The next is: “what do you do about things”?

And well, I’m reminded of the old joke.

“Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I go like this.”

“Well, stop going like that.”

The reason these temptations keep flaring up is… well, y’all keep flirting. And while I’m a firm believer that micro-cheating is bulls

t, that you can be friends with people you want to bang and that there’s nothing wrong with flirty friendships… there’s a flirty friendship and then there’s crossing the line. And honestly? With the life you’re trying to live right now, you’re not just tip-toeing up to the line, you’re playing “just the tip” with it.

If you really want to let the attraction between the two of you fade, you really need to stop feeding it. Your friendship can’t be strictly platonic if you keep poking at it and saying “hey, remember how great the sex was? Hey, wanna spank it to my pics like you used to? Man, if only we could bang like we used to BUT WE CAN’T but what if we could?”

And for real: you may have some inconveniences now… but I am willing to bet no small amount of money that one of you is going to end up in a situation where you just happen to be within a reasonable drive of one another. I’m not saying you’re going to go out of your way to make this happen… but I amsaying that you may take the opportunity when it comes up.

You’ve been putting yourself into temptation’s way and dude, I totally get it. It’s hot, it’s fun, it gets your engine running in ways that just aren’t happening with Carl right now. But the longer you do this, the easier it’s going to be for accidents to happen. Like “Oops, my finger slipped and here’s a new photo” accident. Or “Oops, I may have accidentally booked a ticket to your city”.

If you want your friendship to last and you want to maintain your relationship with Carl, then you need to start setting some boundaries between you and Pete. That means no flirting, no looking up sexy pics of each other on FetLife, no talking about how much you two still love to rub one out to the memory (or old souvenirs).

One thing that may help is adding extra layers that you have to navigate through to get to those old temptations. Remember what I said about our brains being lazy? The more inconvenient you can make it to fuel those fantasies, the less likely you are to indulge them. Doing things like putting those souvenirs out of reach and using an app to block FetLife adds extra steps to getting to those spicy pics. Yeah, you can totally turn off the app and get access… but that’s still another step to go through and there’s all the porn on the Internet that’s easier to get to.

By all means, keep talking, keep being friends, even joke about the old break-up pattern you had. But leave the sex out of it. It’s too easy to fall into old patterns and let those old habits come back. And since I know it will happen – because been there, done that, printed the t-shirt – you will hit the “Oh, we’re over this, we can totally flirt a little, it’ll be fine” wall after a few weeks. Trust me: you’re not and you can’t. That’s just the extinction burst hitting back.

Oh and while you’re at it, devote some time to having some crazy adventures with Carl. It’s good that things are improving, but you may want to devote more time and attention to solving that side of your relationship. It’s a lot easier to resist old temptations when you’ve got something new and tempting right in front of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It starts about a year ago:

I’m snagging some dice for a new campaign at this out of town game and comic shop one afternoon. Another customer catches my eye, ‘cause he’s just wow: working man’s gear, dirty blonde hair with serious scruff and he’s a big boy – solid with some cuddly poundage. Think Tyler Labine in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.

He leaves, I finish up, and he’s still outside the store due to a winter sleet storm. I offer a lift and he gladly accepts. We start talking – both came from small towns, do creative writing, and dork out over Kirk coming to the civic center. He thanks me and we part ways.

Fast forward to now: After a few rocky years and much marriage counseling my wife and I call it off in December. (She was cool with my bisexuality as we both took our vows very seriously.) We still attend counseling as we’ll always be co-parents and are amicably parting.

Now I’m starting to explore the male online world and most are married guys who want secret meat on the side or dudes looking for an anonymous pump n’ dump. Neither are worth my health or self respect.

So here’s the crux: Is it cool to pop back to that store on Magic night to see if that Golden Apple of Aphrodite still hangs there – maybe grab a burger and a beer and talk geek afterwards? Or missing him, drop note with a sci-fi short story and ask him to e-mail me one of his?

Haven’t dated in years, and don’t know his preferences, but I not only liked the blind box packaging, I liked what was inside too!

~ Gaga for Geeky Grizzly

DEAR GAGA FOR GEEKY GRIZZLY: Y’know, GGG, I get a variation of this question on a regular basis. In its own way, it’s almost a universal problem: people see somebody who’s absolutely amazing but, for whatever reason, they never say a word. Now they’re left with a serious longing for what might have been and wondering what they can do to get a second chance at meeting that special someone.

And to be honest, the answer is usually “nothing”. Now to be sure: this isn’t what a lot of people want to hear. We all like to think that if there’s a person who by all accounts should be perfect for us that God, the Doctor or the universe will go out of their way to bring us together again, some way, some how. But the truth is that one of the keys to dating success is timing… and that’s often completely out of our hands. Starting a relationship with somebody is all about the intersection of three things: the right person, the right place and the right time. If those three don’t synch up, then even people would would otherwise be a scorching couple will fail to connect. It’s nobody’s fault, just a cruel twist of fate… but all the more frustrating for it. Sometimes you’ll meet the right person in the right place… but the time will simply be wrong. You may not be in a place in your life where you can act on your interest. They may not be in a place where they’re available or open to a relationship. Or there simply may not be time to make things happen – have that brief moment, faster than the single beat of a hummingbird’s heart – and then they’re gone.

And that sucks. That leaves us with an open loop, like a bit of music that gets stuck in our head, echoing over and over, unable to finish because we never heard more than the hook.

But part of what complicates these missed moments is that often we assign too much importance to them. Because that moment of contact was so brief, we never had a chance to get to know them and so we’re left with our fantasy version of them. And fantasy can never disappoint you or prove to be wrong for you in all the ways you know someone can be. You can assign any amount of virtue and value to them because they’re just a frozen moment in time, never subject to the various sins and disappointments that mortal flesh is heir to.

This isn’t necessarily bad. Having that momentary crush, that flash of infatuation is a great feeling. But it’s when we let the fantasy of the person overtake the reality of our lives that we start to get into trouble. When we invest too much into our fantasy of them, we tend to get a little too… enthusiastic… about trying to bring that fantasy to life. We pursue it with too much vehemence and too much eagerness because we feel like it’s our Big Chance. But because people are flesh and blood and not an ephemeral fantasy… well, our exuberance tends to freak them the hell out. With good reason.

(I mean, imagine being the poor soul who suddenly realizes that she’s the subject of a James Blunt song…)

That’s where you are right now, GGG. You met this guy who was pretty cool… but you knew him for the span of a car ride and from over a year ago. This geeky Tyler Labine-look-a-like may be the cuddly Yellow Lion of your dreams, but you don’t know the person behind the fantasy. You’ve built him into a monument to all the possibilities that you weren’t able to explore back in the day. Holding on to a dream that you built from one encounter is building hopes on a foundation of sand… especially if you suddenly show up out of nowhere and say “hey, we met once a year ago, hit me up.” Doubly so if you leave a message for him.

If you absolutely feel the need to close this particular loop, then yeah, you can take a night to go see if he still goes to Magic night. I don’t think it’s necessarily the best option, but stopping in once isn’t going to be the end of the world. But honestly? I think the better option would to take this encounter with him as inspiration. You have a much better idea of what you want now and – importantly – you know not to let the moment pass you by when it presents itself. Dating may feel weird and strange after having been away from it for so long, but the fundamentals haven’t changed. You still need the right person in the right place, at the right time. Now that you’re in a place to explore this side of your sexuality, the best thing you can do is make sure that you’re in a place where you can take full advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 21f and he’s 22m. We met online and clicked almost immediately and spoke everyday for at least 8 months. We’d wake up and talk to each other, text each other while we were working our summer jobs, text each other about the little things we were doing during the day. We both found each other to be attractive and would flirt and had a lot of stuff in common. I casually mentioned that I could see us dating since we got along so well, but he is Christian (he seems to be more so on the liberal side tbh) and would like someone he dates to share his faith which I understood. I’m not religious. We continued to talk as usual, and then about two months ago he mentions he reconnected with this girl online that he met a few years back (same site that we met on) who he started to like. They started talking again at around the same time we connected, with maybe a one month span of time between. I had no idea until he sprung it up on me. If I had known I would have fallen back as to not get too emotionally involved. And then they made it official.

It sucked because I started to develop feelings for him but I put those feelings aside and congratulated him. It brought up a lot of bad feelings on my end which I’m ashamed of, but I kept them to myself and kept my cool. After that, I took a social media break of about one month due to a depressive episode I was having and to sort through the feelings for him I had. In the back of my mind I had a feeling this would happen but it happened so suddenly that I felt like I didn’t have much time to prepare and cope. 

We recently reconnected and I feel sad because it feels different. It feels weird to not talk to him everyday. For us to both be online and for me to respond to his posts but for him to not respond to mine when he did in the past. For us not to text each other as soon as we wake up, and talk all day about anything until we went to sleep. To not refer to each other as nicknames we have each other (and I admit this point might be over analyzing haha). To laugh at stupid memes and flirt and joke…I miss it. I know that it’s an adjustment I have to make but it does suck, I’m not gonna lie. I talk to guys here and there but it’s been a while since I felt excited at the thought of being with someone. Even if I couldn’t be with him romantically (and he absolutely does not have to return any feelings I have) it felt good to have someone to talk to al day that I click with on many levels. 

I guess my main thing is this: Sometimes I wonder if I was just there to fill avoid until he found someone to actually be with. Like he got some emotional fulfillment from us talking everyday without any sort of commitment involved. It really hurts to think about. But on the more positive side, I hope he spoke to me all the time because he genuinely enjoyed doing so. Its like I feel used in a way, but don’t have any reason to because there were no promises made. And the kicker is that I asked him if the flirting meant anything and he said there were no romantic feelings on his end, we were just friends who flirted…and I felt salty. And I feel ashamed for feeling that way. I try to remind myself that as long as I interacted with him in a genuine way I have nothing to be ashamed of but it still feels bad.

So I don’t know. What do you think? Friends who just flirted and probably spoke to each other too much and too often throughout the day? Just someone there to fulfill his emotional needs until someone else came along? Or something in between? I feel like I’m overreacting somehow. Especially considering the fact that no promises were made and I never met him in real life. I just feel left behind and abandoned in some weird way.

Sincerely,

Replacement Goldfish

DEAR REPLACEMENT GOLDFISH: Honestly, RG, I think you’re making more of this than there is. There are certainly folks out there – men and women both – who will flirt and string people along because they like the attention and emotional intimacy. They get a slight thrill from the imbalance of the relationship, knowing that they put in minimum effort to keep the other person on the line. They get all the rewards of a relationship – the emotional intimacy, the connection, the feeling of being desired – without any investment of their own. There’s none of that pesky commitment or having to maintain things. All they have to do is give just enough attention to keep hope alive until they find a better option.

But I don’t think that’s what happened here.

There are two key clues here as to what actually went down. The first is that he had been talking with this other woman for approximately the same amount of time that he was talking to you. If it’d been the case that she breezed back into his life as suddenly as she’d left it and he’d always had a thing for her… yeah, I could see him using you as a placeholder for the one he REALLY wanted. But that didn’t happen. It was an organic process that lead to his deciding to make things serious with her.

The other key is that he gave you a soft “no” early on. While there are definitely Christians who believe firmly in the whole “unequally yoked” bulls

t from 2 Corinthians, the way he presented this sounds less like a “I can only date within my faith” and more of a “oh, if only things were different, then perhaps but as such, I must live with the regret.” This is a way of softening the rejection and putting the blame on Jesus instead of telling you “you’re cool and we’re great friends but I just don’t like you that way.”

So while I think he enjoyed your friendship, I don’t think he was keeping you around to pass the time until Ms. Right came along.

And while it’s a shame that the friendship has faded… well, there’re lots of reasons for that. One may be that he feels that having such a flirty friendship is inappropriate now that he’s in a committed relationship. Another may be that this relationship just faded, as many do. Not every friendship lasts forever or maintains the same level of intensity. Some flare bright at first, then burn low.

I don’t think you were being used. You had a flirty friendship. Now that friendship is less intense and less flirty. You were more invested in this than he was and, honestly, more than is reasonable considering that you two hadn’t met in person or had any expectation of a relationship. It’s a shame that things have changed, sure… but that’s how things go sometimes.

The best thing I think you can do is either adjust your view of this relationship and accept it for what it is. And if you can’t, if it’s too painful for you? Then the best thing to do is let it go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: long time reader first time asker etc,

So I guess I’m a former Nice Guy. Read every nice guy article on the internet and 8 years later, I super feel no one has like an obligation to love me, just like I don’t have an obligation to love anyone else. I started trying to fix myself, going to the gym, being more social, making better fashion choices, etc. I’m no longer afraid of “The Friend Zone” because that actually means I have friends. A ton of girls friend-zoned me in the past, but it’s no problem. It’s more like, cool now I have a bunch of super hot strictly platonic friends.

But also I’m like 27 and a virgin so something may still be wrong here. I think my issue may be more about expressing myself. I’m pretty good about making friends and talking to people, but I think I’m really bad about making my intentions know. A lot of times, I get interpreted as more than a platonic friend. I guess I’ve seen so many horror stories where dudes flip out or come on too strong OR doing what I’ve been doing and coming off not strong enough. I have this tendency of saying “Hey friend, I have feeling for you and or I think you’re, like, super attractive” is like a weird thing that had no warning and came out of left field because I tend to have anxieties about that. So it all just sorta gushes out.

How do I make it very clear I’m interested in someone romantically without coming on too strongly… or coming on like I’m just a strictly platonic friend that isn’t at all interested in going on a date? How do I reconcile this with the fact that typically I’m usually not going to be attracted to someone until I’ve spoken to them a few times

Sincerely

Doing Better, Needs Work

DEAR DOING BETTER, NEEDS WORK: First of all, DBNW, congratulations on all the effort you’ve been putting in. I know you’re feeling a little frustrated right now because you feel like you’ve stalled out. But the fact that you’ve done so much – physically, emotionally, and socially – to improve yourself is really admirable. You should know that I’m proud of just how hard you’ve been working and how far you’ve come.

The reason why you feel like you’re doing something wrong is because you’ve been making so much progress. Think of your self-improvement like you’re playing a computer RPG. Your life up until you started your self-improvement was essentially the tutorial level; you’re getting used to the systems and discovering what the goals are and getting primed for some of the content that’s coming later in the game. Once you decided to start making changes, you were going through the initial challenges. Hitting the gym, working on being more social, improving your sense of style? Those were all part of how you were grinding through early game content. But there’s only so much you can do in this stage before you can no longer reap the rewards from those challenges. You’ve leveled up and they’re not as difficult for you, so you’re going to see diminishing returns until… well, basically, until you stall out. These don’t test you the way that they did before.  You’ve leveled out of the starter area and now it’s time to take on your next challenge.

So now it’s time to take on your next series of challenges – in this case, facing down your anxieties and taking what you’ve learned about not being a Nice Guy and applying it to your life. These are going to seem more intimidating and more difficult because they’re going to push you in ways that you haven’t been pushed before. You’re going to have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and take chances that seem out of character for you. You’re going to have to run the risk of getting rejected – many times – so that you can learn to find the approach that works for you.

And that starts with recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with your being interested in them. Your being attracted to somebody isn’t an imposition on them. Despite what angry dudes on subreddits and YouTube comments will tell you, women don’t find it insulting that you’re into them. The issue is in howsomebody expresses that interest. Light flirting and asking someone on a date isn’t crossing a line or coming on too strong… especially if you take rejection with grace and dignity. The guy who sends overly familiar and way over-sexual messages to women on dating apps or social media? That dude is the one who’s creeping women out. Same with guys who ignore women’s disinterest at bars or parties or who take “no” – including soft “no’s” like “I’m busy” or “I’m not ready to date” as a sign to keep going or to try harder.

That worry you feel about being that guy? That’s going to be a big part of what keeps you from being him. But at the same time, you have to be willing to not let that worry or anxiety paralyze you into inaction. You’re going to have to be able to own your attraction and express that interest in a respectful manner.

(And trust me on this: don’t try to mute your anxieties through, say, alcohol. It may turn down the volume on your anxiety, but it also turns down the volume on your sense of good judgement and ability to read signals, so you could end up creeping on people without intending to.)

The easiest way to do this is to be friendly and flirty with people you may be into. It’s easier to have a flirty vibe from the jump – even if you ultimately decide you want to be friends – than it is to try to switch gears from platonic to sexual or romantic. You also want to get comfortable with just asking somebody out on a date, rather than confessing to being attracted to them or having feelings. The former is active and has you taking the initiative; you’re asking them to come do something with you and telling them that you’re interested in them at the same time. The latter is more passive and puts some pressure on them. You’ve basically dropped your feels at their feet like a cat dropping a mouse and asking them to do something with it.

It also helps to remember that flirting is just a way of telling somebody that you like them in ways that are fun and engaging. People tend to get hung up on the mechanics of “what counts as flirting” instead of the message of flirting. Some people will flirt directly – paying someone compliments and telling them that they think they’re hot. Others will tease and banter. Still others are physical and expressive and do a lot of playful touching. Finding the form of flirting that works for you is a key part of learning how to come across as a potential lover instead of a potential friend.

I won’t lie, DBNW: this part can be hard. It can be intimidating. It’s going to take the same level of work and dedication that you applied to getting fit and being more social. But trust me: in the end, it will be worth it. And soon enough, you’ll realize that you’ve reached your next plateau… and your next challenge.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman who’s now nearer to 30 than I am 20, and I’ve never been in a long term relationship or had sex. I’m aware that romance and sex isn’t the end-all-be-all of life, and in fact I know now that I’m Bi-Ace and sometimes teeter on calling myself Aro. I generally also have a tough time developing close friendships with new people though I feel like I’m well liked by most people that meet me.

Most of the time I’m fine with this, and then every once in a while I’ll develop a crush or even start feeling romance between myself and my friends. So far this hasn’t come to anything since my crushes are so rare I usually get turned down (and almost everybody is super cool about it), and I usually end up mutually deciding with my friends, yes we should just continue being friends. Often this is because my life is a mess and I’m not really independent and it’s hard to want to be in a relationship when I’m a grown woman basically doing the living-in-the-parents-basement equivalent. It’s embarrassing as hell.

That’s a lot of background to mostly just show where I’m coming from when I say while I’m comfortable with becoming that weird single granny down the street with three cats, two dogs and cookies without ever getting married, I’m worried. I worry when/if I do find romance my lack of trying up to this point will have hamstrung me for sexual and emotional compatibility.

Do I need to start forcing myself to go out and find dates and sex in order to develop skills and maybe find that possible romance? Or should I just carry on continuing to try to get my life together and THEN become more open to intimacy and maybe let romance find me?

Future Cat Lady

DEAR FUTURE CAT LADY: If you’re not actually that interested in sex or relationships and the times you do find someone attractive are few and far between, then I don’t see why you should force yourself out there, FCL. I mean, if you’re content with your social life as it is and you don’t feel like you have an actual lack in your life… well, if it’s not broke, then why try to fix it?

It sounds to me like your living situation is the bigger issue in your life at the moment. If you feel like you need more independence and want to get some separation from your parents, then it makes sense to me that you would make this your priority over dates that you may or may not be into. Plus, solving these issues will do wonders for your confidence and let you feel like you’re in a place where you can respond if you do find someone you’re into.

The thing to keep in mind is that romance is about the connection and your feelings, not the special techniques and clever stratagems. Awkwardly stumbling into a relationship is just as real and valid (and adorable) as being the smoothest operator.

Focus on your immediate priorities. I suspect the rest will sort itself out for you as you go.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve found myself in another break up recently and as much as it sucks, things were handled reasonably and amicably. I’m trying to move on with my life and handle it the best I can. I’m still in contact with my most recent ex, we still joke, talk about our future, stuff between mutual friends, but there’s still a major imbalance; they rely on me for emotional support sometimes. I’m okay with that. It’s a bit difficult to handle sometimes but I set that aside because I still care for them a lot, but I’ve been realizing it’s a very one sided ship. I can’t come to them with any of my problems or struggles or fears anymore, and honestly, it’s draining.

I’m at a loss for what to do. On one hand, I really want to keep in touch with them, but on the other hand, I had to cut out a previous ex soon after we broke up because again it felt like they’d only approach me for support. I feel like I’m being used here and I’m just not sure what to make of it.

Sincerely, Tired

DEAR TIRED:I wish you gave more of an example of what you mean by your not being able to come to them with your problems or struggles, Tired. That’d give me much more of an idea of just what you should do here. Is it a case of benign neglect, where they don’t think to ask about how you’re doing? Or is it something more active, where they refuse to engage, or tell you that your problems don’t matter to them any more?

Regardless, the thing you need to keep in mind is that you do have the right to advocate for your needs… even with your exes. If you two are going to try to be friends, then part of being friends is your being able to tell her that you feel like this is a very one-sided relationship. Let her know that you feel like you’re doing a lot of giving and that you’re not getting anything in return.

It’s entirely possible that she may not realize just how much she’s leaning on you or how little she’s doing for you.

Alternately, if she is making demands on you for emotional support and refusing to give that same level of support in return, you can refuse to give it. You can make that a boundary in your relationship. You’re allowed to say “hey, if we’re going to try to be friends, then I can’t keep being your emotional support animal like this. I care for you and I’m glad we’re still friends, but this is going to be a hard limit for me.”

And if she’s not willing to respect that boundary?

Then she’s shown that she’s not willing to be a good friend to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)