DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: long time reader first time asker etc,

So I guess I’m a former Nice Guy. Read every nice guy article on the internet and 8 years later, I super feel no one has like an obligation to love me, just like I don’t have an obligation to love anyone else. I started trying to fix myself, going to the gym, being more social, making better fashion choices, etc. I’m no longer afraid of “The Friend Zone” because that actually means I have friends. A ton of girls friend-zoned me in the past, but it’s no problem. It’s more like, cool now I have a bunch of super hot strictly platonic friends.

But also I’m like 27 and a virgin so something may still be wrong here. I think my issue may be more about expressing myself. I’m pretty good about making friends and talking to people, but I think I’m really bad about making my intentions know. A lot of times, I get interpreted as more than a platonic friend. I guess I’ve seen so many horror stories where dudes flip out or come on too strong OR doing what I’ve been doing and coming off not strong enough. I have this tendency of saying “Hey friend, I have feeling for you and or I think you’re, like, super attractive” is like a weird thing that had no warning and came out of left field because I tend to have anxieties about that. So it all just sorta gushes out.

How do I make it very clear I’m interested in someone romantically without coming on too strongly… or coming on like I’m just a strictly platonic friend that isn’t at all interested in going on a date? How do I reconcile this with the fact that typically I’m usually not going to be attracted to someone until I’ve spoken to them a few times

Sincerely

Doing Better, Needs Work

DEAR DOING BETTER, NEEDS WORK: First of all, DBNW, congratulations on all the effort you’ve been putting in. I know you’re feeling a little frustrated right now because you feel like you’ve stalled out. But the fact that you’ve done so much – physically, emotionally, and socially – to improve yourself is really admirable. You should know that I’m proud of just how hard you’ve been working and how far you’ve come.

The reason why you feel like you’re doing something wrong is because you’ve been making so much progress. Think of your self-improvement like you’re playing a computer RPG. Your life up until you started your self-improvement was essentially the tutorial level; you’re getting used to the systems and discovering what the goals are and getting primed for some of the content that’s coming later in the game. Once you decided to start making changes, you were going through the initial challenges. Hitting the gym, working on being more social, improving your sense of style? Those were all part of how you were grinding through early game content. But there’s only so much you can do in this stage before you can no longer reap the rewards from those challenges. You’ve leveled up and they’re not as difficult for you, so you’re going to see diminishing returns until… well, basically, until you stall out. These don’t test you the way that they did before.  You’ve leveled out of the starter area and now it’s time to take on your next challenge.

So now it’s time to take on your next series of challenges – in this case, facing down your anxieties and taking what you’ve learned about not being a Nice Guy and applying it to your life. These are going to seem more intimidating and more difficult because they’re going to push you in ways that you haven’t been pushed before. You’re going to have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and take chances that seem out of character for you. You’re going to have to run the risk of getting rejected – many times – so that you can learn to find the approach that works for you.

And that starts with recognizing that there’s nothing wrong with your being interested in them. Your being attracted to somebody isn’t an imposition on them. Despite what angry dudes on subreddits and YouTube comments will tell you, women don’t find it insulting that you’re into them. The issue is in howsomebody expresses that interest. Light flirting and asking someone on a date isn’t crossing a line or coming on too strong… especially if you take rejection with grace and dignity. The guy who sends overly familiar and way over-sexual messages to women on dating apps or social media? That dude is the one who’s creeping women out. Same with guys who ignore women’s disinterest at bars or parties or who take “no” – including soft “no’s” like “I’m busy” or “I’m not ready to date” as a sign to keep going or to try harder.

That worry you feel about being that guy? That’s going to be a big part of what keeps you from being him. But at the same time, you have to be willing to not let that worry or anxiety paralyze you into inaction. You’re going to have to be able to own your attraction and express that interest in a respectful manner.

(And trust me on this: don’t try to mute your anxieties through, say, alcohol. It may turn down the volume on your anxiety, but it also turns down the volume on your sense of good judgement and ability to read signals, so you could end up creeping on people without intending to.)

The easiest way to do this is to be friendly and flirty with people you may be into. It’s easier to have a flirty vibe from the jump – even if you ultimately decide you want to be friends – than it is to try to switch gears from platonic to sexual or romantic. You also want to get comfortable with just asking somebody out on a date, rather than confessing to being attracted to them or having feelings. The former is active and has you taking the initiative; you’re asking them to come do something with you and telling them that you’re interested in them at the same time. The latter is more passive and puts some pressure on them. You’ve basically dropped your feels at their feet like a cat dropping a mouse and asking them to do something with it.

It also helps to remember that flirting is just a way of telling somebody that you like them in ways that are fun and engaging. People tend to get hung up on the mechanics of “what counts as flirting” instead of the message of flirting. Some people will flirt directly – paying someone compliments and telling them that they think they’re hot. Others will tease and banter. Still others are physical and expressive and do a lot of playful touching. Finding the form of flirting that works for you is a key part of learning how to come across as a potential lover instead of a potential friend.

I won’t lie, DBNW: this part can be hard. It can be intimidating. It’s going to take the same level of work and dedication that you applied to getting fit and being more social. But trust me: in the end, it will be worth it. And soon enough, you’ll realize that you’ve reached your next plateau… and your next challenge.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman who’s now nearer to 30 than I am 20, and I’ve never been in a long term relationship or had sex. I’m aware that romance and sex isn’t the end-all-be-all of life, and in fact I know now that I’m Bi-Ace and sometimes teeter on calling myself Aro. I generally also have a tough time developing close friendships with new people though I feel like I’m well liked by most people that meet me.

Most of the time I’m fine with this, and then every once in a while I’ll develop a crush or even start feeling romance between myself and my friends. So far this hasn’t come to anything since my crushes are so rare I usually get turned down (and almost everybody is super cool about it), and I usually end up mutually deciding with my friends, yes we should just continue being friends. Often this is because my life is a mess and I’m not really independent and it’s hard to want to be in a relationship when I’m a grown woman basically doing the living-in-the-parents-basement equivalent. It’s embarrassing as hell.

That’s a lot of background to mostly just show where I’m coming from when I say while I’m comfortable with becoming that weird single granny down the street with three cats, two dogs and cookies without ever getting married, I’m worried. I worry when/if I do find romance my lack of trying up to this point will have hamstrung me for sexual and emotional compatibility.

Do I need to start forcing myself to go out and find dates and sex in order to develop skills and maybe find that possible romance? Or should I just carry on continuing to try to get my life together and THEN become more open to intimacy and maybe let romance find me?

Future Cat Lady

DEAR FUTURE CAT LADY: If you’re not actually that interested in sex or relationships and the times you do find someone attractive are few and far between, then I don’t see why you should force yourself out there, FCL. I mean, if you’re content with your social life as it is and you don’t feel like you have an actual lack in your life… well, if it’s not broke, then why try to fix it?

It sounds to me like your living situation is the bigger issue in your life at the moment. If you feel like you need more independence and want to get some separation from your parents, then it makes sense to me that you would make this your priority over dates that you may or may not be into. Plus, solving these issues will do wonders for your confidence and let you feel like you’re in a place where you can respond if you do find someone you’re into.

The thing to keep in mind is that romance is about the connection and your feelings, not the special techniques and clever stratagems. Awkwardly stumbling into a relationship is just as real and valid (and adorable) as being the smoothest operator.

Focus on your immediate priorities. I suspect the rest will sort itself out for you as you go.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve found myself in another break up recently and as much as it sucks, things were handled reasonably and amicably. I’m trying to move on with my life and handle it the best I can. I’m still in contact with my most recent ex, we still joke, talk about our future, stuff between mutual friends, but there’s still a major imbalance; they rely on me for emotional support sometimes. I’m okay with that. It’s a bit difficult to handle sometimes but I set that aside because I still care for them a lot, but I’ve been realizing it’s a very one sided ship. I can’t come to them with any of my problems or struggles or fears anymore, and honestly, it’s draining.

I’m at a loss for what to do. On one hand, I really want to keep in touch with them, but on the other hand, I had to cut out a previous ex soon after we broke up because again it felt like they’d only approach me for support. I feel like I’m being used here and I’m just not sure what to make of it.

Sincerely, Tired

DEAR TIRED:I wish you gave more of an example of what you mean by your not being able to come to them with your problems or struggles, Tired. That’d give me much more of an idea of just what you should do here. Is it a case of benign neglect, where they don’t think to ask about how you’re doing? Or is it something more active, where they refuse to engage, or tell you that your problems don’t matter to them any more?

Regardless, the thing you need to keep in mind is that you do have the right to advocate for your needs… even with your exes. If you two are going to try to be friends, then part of being friends is your being able to tell her that you feel like this is a very one-sided relationship. Let her know that you feel like you’re doing a lot of giving and that you’re not getting anything in return.

It’s entirely possible that she may not realize just how much she’s leaning on you or how little she’s doing for you.

Alternately, if she is making demands on you for emotional support and refusing to give that same level of support in return, you can refuse to give it. You can make that a boundary in your relationship. You’re allowed to say “hey, if we’re going to try to be friends, then I can’t keep being your emotional support animal like this. I care for you and I’m glad we’re still friends, but this is going to be a hard limit for me.”

And if she’s not willing to respect that boundary?

Then she’s shown that she’s not willing to be a good friend to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and things are going great. My girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with watching pornography and vice versa. The problem is that recently when I was on a chat site, a random stranger started giving me compliments and it lead to us sexting (without webcams, just text). Now I have no plans on talking to this person ever again, so it was just a one off masturbation session in front of my pc, but is this worse than watching a porn, or even a form of cheating?

One Free Hand

DEAR ONE FREE HAND: It’s definitely not the same as watching porn. Porn is a one-sided event. You watch the video, maybe interact a little if it’s a video game, but ultimately it’s a solo endeavor. There’s you and a box of tissues, that’s it. Porn doesn’t care about getting YOU off specifically; it’s put out into the world for a general audience. Whomever gets off to it is ultimately irrelevant as long as the company that produced it gets the MSRP, clicks or subscription fees. Striking up a sexting session with a stranger from Snapchat, Chatrubate or some other app, on the other hand is interactive. There’s another person involved, even when it’s just text back and forth. It’s the difference between watching someone on a porn-site and paying for a one-on-one webcam show where the same porn star performs specifically for you. It’s not just masturbating, it’s interaction. Someone else is directly contributing to your resulting orgasm.

So no, this isn’t the same as a solo session with the Pornhub open with your mouse in one hand and you in the other.

But is this a form of cheating? Well that’s where you get into a questionable area. Some people – and you’ll be hearing from them in the comments – will tell you that yes, that is unequivocally cheating. Some would argue that it’s not that different from going to a strip-club and getting some high-contact lap-dances. Some will say that because there was no actual contact involved, it’s not quite the same; at the very least, it’s a lesser offense than actually going out and having massage with a happy ending.

Ultimately it comes down to the arrangement you have with your girlfriend. Some people have complete monogamy – no kissing anyone but your partner, no touching of breasts, butts or genitals, no outside help getting any orgasms at all. Some are more monogamish — hat tip to Dan Savage — where there is somewhat more leeway in what is or isn’t cheating. Maybe someone else masturbating you is ok but oral sex isn’t. Or oral’s cool but no penetration. Still other couples are have open relationships; sex outside the relationship is allowed, within the agreed-upon rules

But the key to all of these is that they were negotiated in advance. Going outside what everybody agreed to means that yes, you’re totally cheating.

Because of the way our culture tends to view relationships, in an exclusive relationship, traditional monogamy is the assumed default unless otherwise specified. I think that’s a mistake and people should make this part of their Defining The Relationship conversation… but most people are going to assume that outside contact isn’t permitted.

So was this sexting session cheating? Well, let’s put it this way: do you feel that if you were to tell your girlfriend about this, she’d be upset? If so, then it’s probably a safe bet that she’s going to consider it cheating and your ass is going to be in trouble.

And to be perfectly honest, she’s not wrong to be upset about it. I’ll freely admit that my views on cheating are nuanced and that not all affairs are equal, this was still a crappy thing to do. This isn’t what I would consider a relationship-destroying event, but it’s definitely something that would put you in the doghouse until your girlfriend decided to forgive you.

Now, it’s entirely possible that she might not consider it cheating. You don’t know until you’ve talked with her. And hey, this may be your impetuous to define terms and make sure that the two of you are on the same page with regards to what is and isn’t allowed in your relationship.

But if you want a definitive answer as to whether this was cheating? You’re going to have to ask your girlfriend.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a sophomore in college, wrapping up my second year. I’m fairly heavily introverted, and I tend to relegate my free time to online gaming, which is more socially manageable. At least that’s what I tell myself.

About three years ago, I was introduced to a female gamer, “Player X,” by a male online acquaintance of ours, “Player Y.” Unfortunately, it was at a time when I was headed out the door as far as online activity goes. I had just finished high school and gotten a crummy full time job until college. For all intents and purposes, I dropped off of Player X’s radar for two years. During that time, she developed a close friendship with Player Y, although they don’t call it more than that.

At the start of my sophomore year, I got back into the gaming scene with the release of a new MMORPG that caught my attention. I reconnected with Players X and Y, and we’ve been doing online activities together almost daily for the past nine months or so. I’ve really taken a liking to her, and I awkwardly let them both know, individually, in December. Player X didn’t confess a reciprocation or flat out reject me in the moment, and she seems to have taken it well. However, Player Y finally admitted to me that he also has feelings for her; he’s apparently been patiently waiting for her to turn to him in a romantic sense all this time. My relationship with Player Y has been strained since then.

In the past months, Player X and I have become somewhat closer at the expense of my friendship with Player Y. He’s somewhat jealous and controlling, which has led to a certain distance between the two of them. They recently “patched things up” after a lengthy ordeal that hasn’t fully resolved. I’m worried that their relationship is unhealthy, but I went out of my way to support her by letting her know that I was ok with him being around if that’s what she wants. It’s difficult because I can be passive aggressive about these things.

In June, Player X will graduate from college. I don’t know how available she will be for online activities, and I’m guessing that she probably doesn’t either. She’s got her whole life ahead of her, after all. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m approaching this unfathomable cliff as time rolls on. She’s shared a decent amount of her personal life with me up to this point, but she’s held onto her anonymity this entire time. Somewhere along the lines, it got into my head that I could blink and she’d be gone. I’ve asked about contact information previously on a similar matter (I was going to be away for work for a couple of weeks), and she gave me an email address associated with her online pseudonym, keeping her identity on the quiet side. Neither of which were comforting but accepted.

Lately, I’ve been wanting to talk to Player X about slowly moving our friendship from online to offline. I want to meet her someday for lunch, drinks, a concert, dancing, etc. I don’t know where to begin to communicate any of this with her without potentially pushing her away. I’ve been working on building trust and stability between the two of us, but it hasn’t been easy with her attention divided between Player Y and me. The whole thing seems like a mess when you get down to the details, and there’s days when I feel like walking away from it all. However, spending time with her has become an integral part of my life, and it I don’t want to give it up. Any advice you have would be welcome.

Thanks for your time,

Player Z

DEAR PLAYER Z: I hate to say it, Player Z but you’re not playing the game you think you are.  You think you’re on the road to romance with the mysterious Player X. You’re working under the idea that every time Player Y comes into the chat room with the two of you, somebody’s just stepped up, slapped down his quarters and he’s competing with you for the hand of Player X.

In reality… not so much.

You and Player Y aren’t in competition here because a) women aren’t a prize to be won and b) she doesn’t want to take things offline.

Sorry.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but if X was interested in getting in contact with you out in the real world, she wouldn’t still be holding off on giving you her real name or she wouldn’t have given you a burner email account that’s not connected to her real-world identity. You’ve been hanging out with her and your buddy/rival Y for the last 9 months – that’s more than enough time for her to get comfortable enough with you to at least give you her first name, which she hasn’t. This should be your big clue as to where this is all going. She has made the conscious decision to keep you at a few steps removed from her real life. You’re not Facebook friends, you don’t follow each other on Twitter or Instagram. You just have the game. And that’s where she wants to leave it.

Maybe she has reasons. Maybe this is her fantasy life and it doesn’t resemble her real one at all. Maybe she’s had a bad experience with stalkers. Or maybe she doesn’t want to encourage your crush but doesn’t want to hurt you by outright rejecting you either.

This has nothing to do with her relationship – platonic or otherwise – with Player Y and it has this has everything to do with the one she has with YOU. The fact is that you’re a gaming buddy, maybe a Guild-y but that’s it. Even if Player Y were to suddenly disappear in a cloud of logic and sulfur, Player X just isn’t into you. If she were even slightly interested in being more than a gaming bud – even just platonic friends –  you’d know more than her handle. But you don’t. And that, ultimately, is that.

(And as an aside: Player Y isn’t exactly covering himself in glory by waiting for her feelings to turn romantic. He’s likely going to be waiting a long, long time.)

The best thing you could do is accept this and move on. There will be other women – women who want to actually get to know you in real life and actually go do date-type things out in the real world instead of in the hub between end-game raids.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m completely nuts for a girl and she seems to be completely nuts for me. She’s smart, funny, gets excited by the littlest things, is a complete geek, and is seriously beautiful. I think she is about the best woman I’ve ever had a relationship with and I’d totally consider her to be marriage worthy. However you knew there was a “but” coming and here it is: she is pretty religious and wants to be married prior to engaging in *any* sexual activity. That includes just about any form of physical contact beyond some heavy petting… that is any heavy petting is okay so long as it doesn’t directly bring a digital member in contact with a genital member. This in itself isn’t that scary… I’m fairly traditional in a lot of ways myself… and I appreciate that she doesn’t hold others to her standards, being accepting of people who don’t feel that way.  She’s also super liberal when it comes to social mores and doesn’t worry about gay marriage and all of that.. she’s just attempting to stay true to “her walk” and as such she doesn’t want to have sex until she is married.

My concern is, what if I marry her and there is no sex? What if she finds I’m not right for her in a pants-feel type of way? Before her I’ve only had one sexual partner, and that only lasted for a few months and wasn’t that great so I know that that can happen. My own libido is maybe middling on a scale of ravenous to frigid, but I’m just afraid her’s is going to be on the frigid end and it means that by marrying her I’ll gain an awesome friend-life-partner to do cool stuff with but I’ll never get the physical aspect of it except very rarely (as in she wants to conceive, or it’s my birthday, and then I have to worry about her just lying back and thinking of England as it were, the whole time) and that’s just it. I’d be fine with a couple of times a month; I’m not a crazed sex machine who is constantly rock hard and raring to go. I actually fully agree with her in fact that I want to be completely head over heels with any person I’m having sex with because otherwise I don’t feel like either of us would be getting the full experience that both of us have said we need. I’ve talked with her a bit about this and that’s how we know we both are on the same page about how we are feeling. I think what is scaring me is that I’ve expressed how much she turns me on, how sexually she excites me, (something she has commented on recognizing due to certain things popping up between us…) and her responses to that are always deflection or to tell me how smart she thinks I am, or how much fun I am to watch movies and do geeky stuff with. To me it feels as though she wants us to stay in the early stage dating experience forever, and I’m desperate for it to become more physical at least occasionally, beyond hand holding and cuddling on the sofa..

I just don’t know what to do Doc, she’s everything I could want in a partner but I’m afraid to commit because I’m afraid that means I’m resigning myself to being a celibate life partner, not a romantic and sexual partner… but at the same time i don’t want to throw away a good thing. I just can’t seem to balance if sex is more important to me than companionship and she seems reluctant to talk about it. 

Sex Or Love

DEAR SEX OR LOVE: The problem isn’t that she doesn’t want to talk about it, SoL, it’s that she’s told you how she feels and you keep pushing the subject. The reason why she’s continually deflecting you or trying to change the subject is because you keep talking about how much you want to sleep with her and she doesn’t want to sleep with YOU right now.

Now here’s the thing: sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction is an integral part of a relationship.Personally, I think waiting until marriage is an incredibly bad idea for precisely that reason. If you and your honey aren’t compatible or able to find a working compromise, your relationship is going to fall apart. It’s completely understandable that you’re worried about your future sexual compatibility with your girlfriend. It’s a legitimate fear and you’re well within your rights to want to be physically intimate with the person you’re dating.

That having been said: people have a right to set their boundaries wherever they want, and one of hers is “no sex before marriage.” You and I can disagree with her choice, but it’s totally her prerogative and it’s as valid as your wanting to have sex before marriage. But right now you aren’t respecting her boundaries. You may be framing it as being afraid of what your sex life will be after you’re married but the fact of the matter is, you’re constantly pushing her to change her mind and give in and that is not goddamn cool. Concern trolling about whether this is going to lead to a sexless marriage doesn’t make your badgering her any more acceptable. The fact that she wants to wait has absolutely nothing to do with the state of her libido. Maybe she’s asexual. Maybe she’s a raging goddamn inferno of horniness and she keeps it under control through levels of willpower that would impress the Green Lantern Corps. Maybe she’s somewhere in between like most people are. But all that doesn’t matter. She’s told you how she feels and why.  That’s the price of entry. You can respect her boundaries and accept that dating her means no sex before marriage or you can break up with her.

I’ll be honest with you: breaking up with her because she won’t have sex with you is going to sound like a dick move to a lot of people. There will be a lot of people who give you crap for it… and they’ll be wrong. If you have mutually incompatible needs, then breaking up is the best thing you can do. You want to have sex now. She does not. That’s the state of play. Sticking around pushing her to change her mind is a dick thing to do to her. Sticking around in a relationship that ultimately leaves you frustrated and upset is a dick thing to do to yourself.

There are other women out there, women who are just as wonderful who also want to have sex without necessarily saying “I do” first. If you’re not willing to wait until marriage, then you’re better off finding one of those women who’re on the same page as you and letting your girlfriend find a guy who’s on the same page as her.

Good luck.

Oh, and one more thing: if you do move to break up with her and she offers to sleep with you in order to keep you from leaving? If you take her up on that offer you will be one of the biggest bastards possible and go to the Special Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a female virgin in my late 20s and I need some advice. One of the biggest issues I’ve run into is men fetishizing my sex life. Men either run away, view it as a challenge and want to “plant their flag”/Conquer me, or view me as their Manic Pixie Virgin Girl (if you start using that, I want royalties). The majority of “advice” I’ve been given surrounding this is “don’t tell a guy until after you’ve had sex with him”

This is obviously awful awful advice for a whole host of reasons.

I think it’s important to note here, that I’m not a virgin for any reason other than lack of opportunities. It doesn’t come from religion, or some idea of “saving myself” or Mr.Right. I’m not looking for LTR necessarily. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, I’m not broken, or traumatized. I’m a sex-positive person. Kinda just laying out all the reasons I’ve had people tell me I must be a virgin because XYZ.

The issue isn’t the why, or why men react the way they do (Say it with me everyone: SOCIETY IS THE WORST) Quite frankly I think the idea of virginity is pretty antiquated, nothing about me is going to really change. A penis doesn’t have the power to change who I am.

Question is: how do I approach this with men to avoid the aforementioned reactions?

Sincerely,

Not Your Manic Pixie Nerd Girl

DEAR NOT YOUR MANIC PIXIE NERD GIRL: Honestly, NYMPNG? You lay it out the way you told me and my readers: “I haven’t had PIV sex, no biggie.” This tells people exactly one thing about you: that you haven’t had a particular experience. How they react to that information, on the other hand, tells you everything about them.

The thing is, you can’t control people’s reactions. You can lay the groundwork as best you can, lay things out in a “this is not a big deal” manner and generally show that you’re pretty chill about the whole virgin thing but they’ll still react however they’re going to because the problem ultimately lies within them.

We as a society are allllll kinds of screwed up over the concept of sex and virginity and the assorted double-standards and social traps that are associated with sex just make it worse. Men are shamed for being virgins and expected to be mindless satyrs that’ll bang everything that moves, while women are shamed for having too much sex, but also shamed for not being desirable enough to have sex with in the first place. And while things have improved, we’re in that weird transitional place where women are encouraged to own their sexuality and buy vibrators in bulk but not be too slutty because women aren’t supposed to have sex like men (see also: Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck). Meanwhile, women who are still virgins are both fetishized and to be feared because “bro, if you sleep with a virgin she’s gonna wanna, like marry you and stuff and you never get away from that,” because as we all know, when you’re a virgin’s first, they imprint on you like a baby gosling.

(Amusingly, but not really, I’ve seen some women worry about being a man’s first for the exact same reason. Yay, equally awful treatment for all genders!)

So getting back to your question: there’s only so much you can do to avoid people having weird issues around virginity. They’re still an unfortunate part of our cultural background radiation. You can do your best to mitigate it, but you can’t entirely eliminate the possibility. For the most part, people will take their lead from you.  The more chill you are, the more likely to get a chill reaction from the people you talk to, but there will still be people who get weird about it no matter what you say. Some folks will, given half a chance and an opportunity to talk things out a bit like the grown-ass adult they are, recognize they’re being ridiculous and get over it. Whether you are willing to be their emotional Sherpa on this particular issue is up to you; if they’re an otherwise cool guy you really dig, it may be worth your time to help smooth over that particular rough edge. Your call. Others will – as you have experienced – try to mansplain your own sexuality to you; these dudes can and should be kicked to the curb at your most immediate opportunity.

But on the whole: keep it simple, keep it chill. The less of a big deal it is to you, the less of a big deal it will be to anyone worth dating.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)