DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to ask if you could help me out with something. This is my first time writing to you, although sadly this letter is probably a few years too late. I have done some terrible things.

A few years ago, I was talking to a girl on Twitter, she is the same age as me (18, at the time). I will just call her D. We have never met in person and live in different countries (I live in the UK and she lives in Norway) and had started talking a year earlier. It was obvious she only talked to me because she pitied me. I was very needy and insecure. I asked her out earlier that year, which was stupid as we live in different countries and couldn’t have dated anyway. She politely said no. I messaged her back but didn’t here back from her. I didn’t hear from her for about six months, until I created a twitter account just to get in touch with her.

Anyway, so it was later that year, and while talking to her as myself, I created a new twitter account under a fake name to talk to her. I originally created this in order to talk to her anonymously and not have to worry about what I wrote to her. Anyway, I couldn’t resist asking about her boyfriend. After, I asked about him once I couldn’t stop probing her about him. I asked to see a photograph of him, and then ignored her first attempts to refuse to give me that picture. Also, while I was doing this I hunted down a photograph some guy who she may or may not have been dating in order to compare myself to him. I asked some guy she was friends with on twitter tons of questions about D, such as whether or not they talked about me and even asked if he thought she and her best friend ever had sex. The exact question was ”Do you think D and her best friend ever lezzed off before?” At the time, I thought this was an okay thing to ask. He said that was creepy and refused to keep talking to me.

I eventually admitted to D that it was me and we stopped talking for a short while. I offered to leave her alone, and she then took me up on it. I eventually messaged her again anyway.

I was recently re-reading a conversation I had with a Woman on Quora about this (which is what inspired me to write to you). She was trying to convince me that this was cyber stalking and would have frightened her a lot. She even advised me to write to you. I didn’t want to believe I had stalked, as that would probably have meant I had no chance with her, and knew what you would say, so I refused. She said she knew I would do this, as I had too much staked on my self image as having not done so much harm. She eventually cut contact with me, as she promised she would if I messaged D or her friends, without letting her get in touch with me first.

A year from when I created that fake account, I insulted her as I was desperate for attention from her. I messaged many times after that and never got a response. I had bad day, and I logged on to the internet and began insulting a bunch of people. A bunch of people who had been good to me, including D. I regretted doing this and when I went to apologize she had already replied. She told me she had been busy with work and uni and a family member of hers had just died. She told me she was disappointed in me and said she no longer wanted to talk to me anymore.

I left her alone for two months, until I messaged her again. This time the message was much bigger and more insulting. In the message, I said things like how I only wanted to give her multiple orgasms (this was intended to be a ridiculous thing to say, not serious, but I didn’t realize it had rape connotations). I also told her how I was jealous of her boyfriend and wished I was more like him. I also called her boyfriend a “cuck” and insulted him several times and insulted D once. I didn’t think about what I was doing and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I originally was just some something ridiculous about her boyfriend and I thought I could provoke her into responding to me. I felt entitled to talk to her and couldn’t stand it that she didn’t want to talk to me.

The next morning, I tried to apologize and try to convince her not to block me. In the end, I ended up writing a bunch of nonsense, and then she blocked me anyway. Of course, I know I completely deserved to be blocked and I am probably lucky that’s all she did. At first I was okay with it. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In the next hour or so, reality set in. I had realized what a terrible thing I had done and that I would never get a fix of my fantasy girl ever again. I panicked and created another twitter account and begged her to message me. She blocked me and I created another account. She ignored and then I gave up. I curled up into a ball for a while and it was one of the worst days of my life. I thought I was done, only do the same thing again a week later. I tweeted her the next morning on the third fake account, I apologized for what I did and promised never to contact her. again. That was at the beginning of a new year and the last time I contacted her. Although, I had been tempted to add her on Facebook messenger a few times, but I knew it was wrong and thought about she wanted for once. So I didn’t do it.

Again, not trying to paint myself as a victim here, but I do deeply regret what I did and I know that sort of behavior is completely unacceptable. She was very sweet person as well which makes my treatment towards her even worse. I have only been able to accept what I did was stalking until recently, when I knew I definitely wouldn’t hear from her again. I had too much staked on my self image as having not done the wrong thing I had done. Now that I have stopped lying to myself and accepted how poorly I treated her, all I feel is grief.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you

What do you think of my behavior?

Do you think she was frightened by how I behaved? Does she probably think I would beat and rape her if given the chance?( I wouldn’t obviously)

Also, do you have any advice for me to help make sure I never behave this way again?

Thanks a lot Doc!

Yours Sincerely

C-Creep-e-o

DEAR C-CREEP-E-O: Wow sport, when you f

k up, you don’t do it small, huh?

Well, you asked for the Chair Leg of Truth, so you’re going to get it. Better buckle up chief, because this ain’t going to be pretty.

Here’s what you did: you stalked someone, gaslight her, tried to drag her friends into enabling your stalking of her, created multiple accounts in order to get around her blocking you, sexually harassed her repeatedly, insulted her, insulted her boyfriend and continually begged for more access to her after doing all of the above, then proceeded to insult and harass her some more.

You manage to hit pretty much every single point on how to not talk to a woman on social media short of actually waving your d

k at them and frankly I’m kind of surprised you managed to leave that one out.

Literally everything about your interaction with her told her that you:

Have no concept of boundaries

Ask profoundly inappropriate questions of her friends

Say horrifically inappropriate things to her

Have no problem with stalking people

Have a hair-trigger temper and lash out at the slightest provocation

Will immediately turn around and beg forgiveness and swear that you didn’t mean it before doing it all again

Will work constantly to circumvent her attempts to shut you out of her life.

Congratulations, my dude, you hit “I’m A Violent Abuser” yahtzee! I can’t f

king IMAGINE why she didn’t want to talk to you.

You say you’d never hurt her. This may indeed be literally true. Too bad everything you write about in this letter has so many red flags it looks like a NASCAR race in Beijing. Women look at this behavior from a guy and assume the worst because, quite frankly, they’ve either experienced it personally before, or they know somebody who has. The Internet is littered with stories of women who had randos on the Internet lose their s

t at them to disastrous results. Even with thousands of miles between you, it’s not as though we don’t have an abundance of examples of how dudes used the Internet to punish women they were angry at.

Frankly, if you were in the same country, I’d imagine she’d be looking into protective orders to get you to leave her the hell alone.

So, yeah. She’s had reason to be afraid.

What do you need to do? You need to get your happy ass into therapy. You have a whole lot to learn about handling your emotions, appropriate ways of dealing with anger and frustration and a s

tload of emotional issues that I can’t deal with for you. And until you do, I suspect that it would be a very good idea to stay the f

k off the Internet so you don’t unleash this torrent of bulls

t behavior on your next crush.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I started dating this guy about a month ago.

He is very nice, gentle, extremely considerate, sometimes v. cheesy (my analytical mind says), and if there is such a thing as doing everything right, I think he is probably doing everything right.

He introduced me to his friends by date three, we went out as a group by date four. And, he started planning tons of things to do for us for months to come.

I am so impressed by his attitude and personality, but having come out of a bad first relationship, I have a nagging voice telling me “what if this is just an act”. Although, how could someone act like that?

Anyways, here is the only problem so far:

We have kissed, with some heavy petting etc. I am a penis-in-vagina virgin. I haven’t had suitable opportunities in my short dating history to do that. I am also into developing an understanding, affection and care for a person before getting physical. I told him very early about these values, and the fact that I want to take my time. And I added that if and when I am ready, I will tell him, and I hope we both get tested, work on contraceptive and stuff to ensure that we are both safe. He agreed, and assured me that that was fine by him.

In the next few weeks, we ended up spending most of the time in his house, usually in his room. And what starts as a let’s watch this anime, or let’s make some tea and talk, ends up with us cuddling in his bed. I do like cuddling very much, but I feel as if that most of it is angling towards making both of us hot and bothered. And his pointing out a few times that ” I just need to say the word” or ” we might actually have sex sooner than you think”. I start feeling uncomfortable, but he is really nice and I feel bad refusing to go to his place. Also, he said we should get STD tested.

Recently, I told him that I still need time in order to have sex. I really don’t feel ready.

He said he is willing to wait, especially if there was some form of sexual relief (that didn’t have to be sexual intercourse). Inner red flags started appearing. Then he added, he was thinking that he can wait for a couple of months, but afterwards, he will probably start looking for someone else.

My reaction was to say that I understand. I reality, I am not sure (1) having been abstinent for years, I feel it shouldn’t be that difficult to do. (2) Having been abstinent for years, I feel may be I am not qualified to talk for people who are sexually active, and may be things are indeed different and people need sex at least every two months.

Frankly, I am confused. Part of me likes this person very much, and the other part is skeptic and now feeling very unsafe. May be it is also my problem for not being as sexually active at this age, and expectations are different.

Heck, I don’t know.

Is this guy saying something reasonable ? Or, is this my cue to an incompatibility between us?

Thank you very much

A Visitor From Planet Inexperienced

DEAR A VISITOR FROM PLANET INEXPERIENCED: He’s not willing to wait. He SAYS he’s willing, but all of his behavior is him pushing you to giving in and sleeping with him. I mean holy s

t, “We may be having sex sooner than you think”? While I don’t think that’s a threat, that’s not someone who’s patient and kind and giving you the space to feel comfortable and secure. That’s somebody who thinks that if he pushes you juuuust right he’ll get you to give him what he wants.

What you said about his using cuddling to get you hot and bothered? That is EXACTLY what he’s trying to do; he’s hoping that he’s going to get you to say “yes” by either turning you on so much that you throw your reservations out the window or you’ll feel his boner poking in your back and feel like you need to do something with it. And that bit about “Well, I’ll wait but only so long”, while honest, is meant to push you into being afraid to lose him.

So I’d say you need to call his bluff and – in the words of Dan Savage – DTMFA because this ain’t going anywhere good. And, let’s be honest: this isn’t someone worth losing your virginity to. Even if we leave out the whole “pushing you for sex”, the two of you are sexually incompatible. You have different drives and expectations and those aren’t going to line up in ways that’ll make you both happy.

But then there’s the fact that someone who’s this much of a dick about your feeling comfortable and secure isn’t good boyfriend material. They’re a case of Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag and things are only going to get worse from here.

Here’s the thing: you have the right to go at your pace and what you feel comfortable with. Yes, people are more likely to want and expect sex at a pace that you aren’t cool with… but that does not mean that your comfort and desires are irrelevant. It may mean that you’re going to have to do more dating and more searching to find someone who is worth dating. There are dudes out there – especially demisexual guys – who’re a slow burn, just like you are. Finding someone who is on the same page as you or is actually willing to wait (instead of saying “OK, I’ll put up with oral sex for a while, but I expect you to give it up sooner rather than later” while poking you with his erection) is worth the effort.

And even if you decide to pick someone and just get it over with, you can do a metric ton better than this douche. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone who’s legitimately good, not a jackass in good-guy drag.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NEDLOVE: I’ve been with this guy for about 8 months now and I wouldn’t say I’m happy but it’s company. Recently I’ve been having sex dreams:

1. I was having sex with some girl (completely unknown)

2. I was having sex with an ex (I believe it’s because he reminds me of a movie character who I am attracted to and who’s movie I had recently rewatched)

3. I was pregnant by said same ex but the person he was in the dream was much better than who is was to me in real life

4. had sex with a cousins roommate because I had broken up with my boyfriend and needed to get him out of my head (in the dream it seemed like that was just an excuse to have sex with someone else)

(These are all in the past like week or two)

I guess it’s worth mentioning that I haven’t been having sex with him lately and we were at one point very sexually active (like 3-5 times a week; like 3-6 rounds through our time together). He is at the top of my best sex list and because he’s mine (doesn’t happen very often) so I can do more and feel more comfortable. I may have an idea of what these dreams may mean but I really need some second or more opinions….

Thank you

Hey Libido Bats in the Belfry

DEAR HEY LIBIDO BATS IN THE BELFRY: Here’s what sex dreams mean: your brain is doing weird s

t. Period. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and horny and it’s getting pulled into the core dump your unconscious does when you sleep. But in terms of the people you’re having sex with? That’s just the weirdness of dreams.

If you let the randomness of who you find in your dreams take on too much meaning, you’ll lose your goddamn mind. People have dreams about sex with all kinds of random people, from folks outside your sexual orientation to family members or other people you’d never touch with a borrowed vagina and Ryan Gosling doing the pushing. It doesn’t mean anything other than dreams are goddamn weird.

You can dig into the Jungian analysis and what-not if you want, but honestly? It doesn’t mean much. If it’s making you think of an issue in your relationship, then it’s as good a motivation to go hash it out. But don’t get too deep into things before you start wondering if Father McGuilicutty is giving you the eye and also might look better as a merman.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is going to seem like it’s coming out of left field, given how many questions you get are some form of “HOW DO I START HAVING SEX?”, but – honestly – I’m not ready. I want it eventually, but now is not that time. I’ve got my hang-ups and my issues, and they are mine to keep.

I think I’m finally starting to be ready to date – again, lots of reasons why I wasn’t dating before that aren’t important – but I’m not ready for sex yet and I have a feeling that any of the folks I start seeing will expect sex. How do I bring this up? When do I bring this up? I don’t really have much experience in general, but I’m expecting that the person that I’m going to coffee with eventually will want to have sex with me, especially given the questions about whether I’m a top, a bottom, or versatile…

I’m not ready. I will become ready in my own time; that’s not what I need help with. What I need help with is figuring out how to properly communicate it and what to expect when I do so. Should I lay it out in the open early on? Should I wait until sex comes up? Should I even put myself out there if I won’t be putting out?

What should I do?

– Put Out About Putting Out

DEAR PUT OUT ABOUT PUTTING OUT: First of all, POaPO, good for you for knowing what you are and aren’t up for. There’re a lot of people – men in particular – who feel the pressure to not just be up for sex that they don’t want but to be performative about how much sex they want. There’s a long-standing cultural narrative that if you’re of a certain age and just not ready (or interested) in sex, then there’s something wrong with you. The fact that you can recognize that you’re just not there and own it is commendable.

So let’s talk about what you do about it.

The first thing is that you’re going to want to relax about the question. While yes, it’s generally expected that sex will eventually be part of a romantic relationship, laying things out right off the bat can be a little… tricky. Telling somebody on the first date often isn’t appropriate and can feel presumptive. It’s a little off-putting for someone to say “Just on the off chance you thought you were going to get laid tonight, I just want to let you know that is not on the table” out of the clear blue sky.

At the same time, there’s an understandable impulse to want to give full disclosure early, so that potential partners can make an informed decision about whether they want to date you.

Here’s my thinking: it’s going to be context-dependent. In an online dating situation, it may be worthwhile to say something along the lines of “I take things slowly” or “I need to be comfortable/feel connected to someone before things get physical”. In a time when terms like demisexuality are starting to have greater penetration into the mainstream, more people are likely to understand that this means that sex isn’t likely on the third (or fourth, or…) date. Yes, this will cut down the number of people who contact you dramatically… but at the same time, these are people who are unlikely to be compatible with you in the first place.

For people you’ve met in person however… I’d bring it up when things start to get physical. You don’t need to give a speech about why you’re not ready, not if you don’t want to. But a simple “Hey, just so you know, here’s what I’m up for, here’s what I’m not up for and how about you?” can make things much simpler. That “and how about you?” is important; you’re sharing your limits and asking them to share theirs. Asking them for their wants and limits makes this a dialogue about consent, rather than just a talk about “why someone’s not getting head today”.

Just as importantly though: don’t frame this as though you’re damaged or broken. You’re not. You just know what you are and aren’t ready for and that’s fine. You’re showing that you know yourself well enough to know when something isn’t right for you – either for now or at all. You’re telling them the awesome things they do get, and isn’t that great?

Just remember: telling people about your limits is a superpower. You’re telling them one thing about you; their response tells you everything about them. Someone who either doesn’t respect your limits, who tries to argue you out of them or who is upset that you aren’t ready for sex is telling you what you need to know: that they aren’t right for you and better for you to go and find someone who is.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been totally blind my whole life, really struggle initiating sexual connections with women, and I believe the two are correlated.

To be clear: blindness doesn’t make me any less able to handle the sex itself (yes, people often ask), nor does it keep me from meeting women, building quality relationships, etc. It helps that I’m generally quite gregarious, love conversing with people, and have developed really strong verbal communication skills, both talking and listening, to compensate for my inability to see body language. In most life situations that’s enough, but when it comes to flirting and building sexual tension, I find it isn’t.

I’ve read many of your blog posts, and you often point out how most communication happens nonverbally, so you need to be able to read the body language women are using, whether they tense up when you lean in to initiate a kiss, get uncomfortable after being touched in a way they don’t want (which I can sometimes tell just by feel, but not always), or are even interested in being approached at all.

It’s also harder for me to feel comfortable breaking the touch barrier without being able to see how women respond, and it doesn’t help that I know I’ll sometimes screw it up and touch the wrong place. Turns out it’s actually kinda awkward when you go for the upper arm but accidentally graze breasts, or what should have been a hand on the lower back turns into an unintentional ass grab because you misjudged her height by a few crucial inches. This sort of thing is rare, but it does happen every now and then. I’m pretty sure people always know it’s an honest mistake, usually they can see how embarrassed I am and end up trying to pretend not to be amused for my benefit, (or they just start laughing their ass off, which makes me laugh my ass off, and everything’s fine) but it still makes me hesitant to be the one doing the touching, at least until I know a woman a little first.

Anyways, now that I’ve written you a novel about my situation, here are my questions. How can I help women feel comfortable using words to tell me the messages they’re already naturally sending with their body language, especially when we’re still just starting to get to know each other?

Obviously they know I’m blind, so it’s not like it’s hard for them to figure out the problem on their own if they take a second to think about it, but occasionally even friends who I’ve known for years will fail to respond to something I asked, stay silent for a few awkward seconds, and say “Oh, damn! I just nodded my head, that was dumb!”

Usually this isn’t a big deal with most life things, but it seems like half the point of flirting is being able to figure out what the other person is showing us, so we don’t have to be constantly talking about whether it’s okay if we make that next move deeper into their personal space bubble, or if we’re now comfortable enough to try a more intimate form of touching.

Is there a reliable substitute for being able to see nonverbal cues and respond accordingly? Finally, speaking of touching, how can I get better at touching the women I’m flirting with, knowing I’m at a disadvantage without being able to see everything they’re doing, and also knowing I’ll occasionally touch the wrong place and there’s really nothing I can do about that? Is it just a matter of trusting them to tell me if I’m making them uncomfortable, or is there something else I can do to gauge whether more touching is wanted without actually trying it?

I’d appreciate any insight you can give me, I look forward to your take on all this. 

Sincerely,

I’m Not Daredevil

DEAR I’M NOT DAREDEVIL: Gotta hand it to you, IND, you’ve given me quite the puzzler. Obviously, I’m sighted, which means that I’m not going to have the same perspective on these issues, so take my advice with appropriate levels of salt.

But here’s something worth noting, IND: being blind hasn’t kept people from being successful in love. Ray Charles was a notorious ladies man, able to charm the literal pants off many, many women, even if he couldn’t see them.

Now it’s true, a lot of my advice focuses on picking up on physical cues, like watching for the triangle-gaze or body language cues like orienting or preening. However, there are still many sighted people who can’t read body language effectively. Fortunately, there are other methods. Some of it will be to rely on your other senses. If you’ve ever listened to books on tape or really good voice actors, you may have noticed how you can “hear” a smile or a frown in someone’s voice. Those can give you indications about how someone is actually feeling; just as a fake smile doesn’t reach a person’s eyes, a fake laugh can sound brittle or hollow. On the other hand, someone who’s sexually excited can sound like they’re smiling and nervous… or their voice might get slightly huskier, or they may swallow more than usual.

Other signs of interest would include reciprocal touching; someone who touches you back after you touch them. So if you were to, say, touch someone on the wrist with the back of your hand as you made a point and then they touch you, that would be another sign of interest. Similarly, if you are sitting side by side with someone and your knee touches theirs, do they move theirs away, leave it, or move to touch yours when you pull back?

But there’s one way you can generally be sure about how someone feels – whether they’re interested in flirting, in being touched or being kissed – and that’s to use your words. One of the things that can often make able-bodied people feel uncomfortable around handicapped people is not knowing what’s appropriate or not. This is especially true if they haven’t had much experience dealing with someone who’s deaf or blind, for example. You are in the position to model the behavior that you would like them to perform for you. So by being willing to use your words to clarify things, you’re giving them an example of what you would like from them.

Part of this may simply be giving them permission: “Hey, you’re going to have to be really obvious with me because I literally can’t see what you’re doing.” Some of it might be explaining how you move through the world, and what helps make things easier on you. Another part would be asking for clarity or permission: “is it ok if I give you a hug?” “I would love to kiss you right now.”

As with many potentially awkward situations, people will take their cues on how to behave and react from you. The more that you can show them the sort of behaviors and responses that you would like from them, the more at ease they’ll be with providing them for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I got out of a long-term relationship (2.5 years) recently. It was a mutual, polite and extremely amicable break-up, to the extent that a mutual friend who is consoling both of us has called it the most amicable break-up ever. We collectively realised that we wanted different things out of the relationship – I was too much of a planner for her, she was always more about spontaneity – and parted ways. I am doing okay, your advice about an ended relationship not being a failed relationship has helped me a lot.

One of the reasons I’m not 100% better that I can’t really talk about with my friends because we move in HEAVILY overlapping social circles is… the sex. For context, we lost our virginity to each other within the first few months. This was, in large part, because my ex helped me through my initial anxieties (I was 22 the first time we had sex).

We were, I would say, certainly compatible on a basic level, but I always had a higher sex drive than she did. For the first year and a half this wasn’t so much of a problem, because we were having sex regularly enough that I could deal, but then I got a new job with less flexibility. That lead to us not having the time (since it pretty much killed any chance of “wanna stay the night?” without lots of planning, which was anathema to her) and combined with the steady loss of intimacy (and a corresponding growth in my anxiety) our sex life completely petered out.

The core of my issue… I think I might have scared my ex off sex. And I feel really guilty about this.

The last time we attempted sex was 12 months before we broke up; a spontaneous moment after we had run back to my house from a freak rain shower. (Before that, a gap of a few months for the summer; before that, a few months for exams – so we were already on the wind down). After a few failed attempts at penetration I tried going down on her and, presumably because of nerves, that didn’t do the job either. My ex was never really someone who needed much foreplay, so I knew something was wrong. Once everything cooled down I told her about vaginismus – because I genuinely thought that she might have it and that she would be willing to maybe get some help and work through it – and promised that I would help her.

I then embarked on what I thought was helpful but which I can now see was probably pressuring behaviour. I tried to ask her what I could request in the bedroom (essentially, if penetrative sex was off-limits, then I wouldn’t ask for it) and got told that she didn’t know. I bought her a vibrator so we had more options in the bedroom, she reacted with disgust and later told me it never got taken out of its packaging. Weeks went by and I got increasingly frustrated that not only were we not having sex, but we weren’t even doing anything that might potentially lead to it any more. Eventually at the end of the academic year once everything was over – and after plans for her to stay the night had fallen through again – I flat out asked if I should be worried about the lack of sex, to which I was told that sex was horribly stressful and she wasn’t up for it because of her exams… which didn’t really solve the rest of the issues I was worrying about at the time.

Long story short, we went on our first – and obviously now last – holiday together about a month before we broke up. It was, in hindsight, a disaster. We were, a few good moments aside, constantly stressing out at each other from planning right through to the airport home. Most of all, on our 2.5-year anniversary night (which I had based a fair bit of the holiday around) suffice it to say things did not go as I had planned; possibly because while I didn’t explicitly state it outright I think I probably made it a little too obvious that I was expecting things to end with a bang. In hindsight that was the moment we stopped working, because our expectations had so clearly diverged.

But… women don’t just stop wanting sex for no reason, right?

I feel like I failed her, because she was able to help me with my anxiety issues and I couldn’t help her with hers. I’m scared my ex is about to become one of those statistics you hear about women who can’t enjoy sex because of negative past experiences. Most of all, we broke up saying we both wanted the other to be happy and I’m upset that I might have cost her a large part of that chance. I want to deal with this guilt – partly because otherwise I reckon I’m going to be an anxious wreck in the bedroom if/when I do end up dating again – but I don’t think asking my ex about her sexual hang-ups is a good idea right now assuming it ever was. Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Help me Dr-Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope.

Did I Break It?

DEAR DID I BREAK IT: OK, don’t take this the wrong way DIBI but… you’re giving yourself way too much credit here.

So, I get it. You’re worried that you did something wrong. You’re afraid that you were so bad – so bad in the sack, so bad with the pressure, so bad with the (apparently) fumbling attempts to help – that you’ve broken this delicate little bird. Your ex was this fragile, porcelain figurine and you destroyed something beautiful in your clumsiness.

Except… not really.

So this is going to sound harsh but stick with me for a second. Here’s what’s up, DIBI: you’re doing the thing where you are vastly overestimating both your importance and the impact you had on someone, without any actual evidence. There’re a lot of folks who do this and it’s something that guys are often prone to because we’ve all absorbed a lot of stupid shit over the years. We’re convinced that we’re the center of women’s universes, that we’re the horny ones and that women’s sexuality is this frangible piece of glass and spider webs that will break if you look at it the wrong way. Sex is something that must be carefully coaxed out of women, lest we make a sudden move and send it scurrying like a bunny back to it’s warren.

In reality: not so much. Women are just as sexual as men are and, honestly, spend a lot of time dealing with sex that just isn’t that great. If a bad lay – or even dating somebody who they had mediocre sex with – was all it took to scare women away from sex, the human race would’ve died out before we ever got past the “furry thing with long teeth BAD!” stage of evolution.

Now let’s talk about what happened with you and your ex. There are a couple of things going on, but the biggest is simple: the two of you just weren’t compatible. You both had different needs and expectations when it came to sex and those just didn’t mesh. Think of it like two gears, where one is missing a tooth; they’ll work together up to a certain point, but there’s going to come a point where they don’t and that’ll throw the whole thing off. In your case, it was easier to make the sex work during the honeymoon stage of your relationship when everything was new and exciting and you were getting hit with that rush of dopamine and oxytocin every single time. It’s easier to ignore difficulties and annoyances because you’re quite literally high off each other. But that doesn’t last forever; not only does hedonistic adaptation kick in and we get less of a dopamine rush, but those annoyances and incompatibilities build up over time.

You two hit the point where the novelty of banging someone new – or having sex at all, for that matter – wasn’t overpowering the basic incompatibility the two of you had. And if your ex wasn’t really enjoying the sex you were having or the way you were having it… well, it’s not surprising that things shut down. It wasn’t that she was thrown off sex entirely, it’s that she was thrown off sex with you.

And you didn’t get that. You thought the problem might be with her. So you were trying to help, as best you could. But like trying to treat a tooth ache with accupressure massage, you were trying to solve the wrong problem with the wrong technique.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not blaming you. You went into this with the best of intentions and you wanted to help as best you could. It’s just that you got things wrong. And y’know, that’s ok. I don’t think you did any actual damage besides annoyance – certainly nothing that she won’t recover from or that won’t be resolved when she finds someone she is compatible with.

The fact that you two weren’t compatible isn’t your fault, DIBI. It’s not hers either. It isn’t anyone‘s. It’s just bad luck. Out of the billions of women out there, there will be plenty that you don’t mesh with; your ex was simply one of them.

So now it’s just a question of where you go from here.

What you shouldn’t do is pester your ex about this… or refer to what happened as “her sexual hang-ups”. Not only is that seriously insulting, but it’s not even accurate. She didn’t have hang-ups, she’s not broken or damaged. She just didn’t like having sex with you. I realize that stings, my dude, but it’s better to face an uncomfortable truth than it is to make things even more awkward.

Instead, what you need to do is just live, learn from this and move forward. Next time, you work to avoid making the mistakes you made this time. Prioritize communication a little more highly, especially before you start trying to solve people’s not-actually-a-problem. Sharing and listening will serve you in great stead, especially when it comes to sex. The better you and your future partners are able to communicate your needs, desires and boundaries, the better you will be in the sack.

Don’t let this all throw you off, DIBI. As you get more experience under your belt, you’ll have a better grasp on who is and isn’t right for you and how to make the sexual side of your relationships work. These are just growing pains that everyone goes through. Your ex will be ok and so will you. I promise.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love your podcast, love your advice column and I have a more general socializing question for you: I live in a large city and have a handful of flaky, emotionally volatile or otherwise difficult-to-meet-up-with friends in the surrounding area.

What usually happens if I make plans with them is one of the following: 

I arrange something with one friend (we’ll call her Amy) who cancels 75% of the time because she either has a migraine, some family, issues, is too tired, etc. I called her out on this flakiness at one point, leading her to get defensive and angry. Note: she has very few close friends. I have not cut off contact with her as she is the daughter of my mom’s close friends, though I have stopped contacting her as frequently.

Another (that we’ll call Lisa) has had some pretty severe emotional trauma in the past, which manifests itself in public crying fits, talking too loudly in public almost to the point of yelling (kind of like that Will Ferrell character from SNL), overt derision of dating claiming she will be ‘forever alone’, etc. She has been getting therapy to deal with it over the past year or so. However, she has told me she has some empathy issues and does not seem to want to get a full-time job, spending most of her time doing ride-sharing or volunteering. I encouraged her to try to at least find a part-time job as I think the consistency and socializing would be good for her. She says the process freaks her out, which leads me to believe her therapist maybe isn’t encouraging her to be as proactive as I think would benefit her. I have also stopped contacting her as frequently as with the person above.

As a result, I now spend most of my time with my boyfriend and after a short weekend at Penny Arcade Expo with him and his buddies, I noticed how much stronger their bonds are as a group than any of the people I see in the city. I told him my concerns and and he encouraged me to seek out other people to get to know better, seeing how complicated and inconsistent those relationships are and how unhappy/annoyed it was making me. I do have long term friends that are reliable but they are married, live farther out, work all the time, etc so it’s a bit tougher to arrange things with them.

TL,DR: Kind of out of patience for dealing with difficult/volatile people. I don’t like abandoning friendships as it makes me feel guilty but I think it’s kind of gotten to that point where it might be better to cut my losses entirely and just find other people to meet up with. In case there are other people reading this who might be having a similar experience, what do you think would be a reasonable limit for just peace-ing out entirely from a bad friendship?

Thanks!

Flakey Pie Crust Not People

DEAR FLAKEY PIE CRUST NOT PEOPLE: One of the things I find somewhat fascinating is how differently we as a culture often treat friendships and romantic relationships. For all that people complain about The Friend Zone1 and we treat friendship as somehow lesser than love or sex… we put up with way more from our friends than we’d ever tolerate from our lovers. In fact, we often find ourselves stuck in friendships out of a sense of obligation, rather than a desire to have those people in our lives.

I have a lot of friends who live out in Los Angeles, a place that’s notorious for instilling and encouraging flaky behavior in folks. And all of them have had issues with flaky, irresponsible friends who will just bail at the last minute or with no notice. And to a person, their lives all got better once they started to not just accept flakiness from folks in their lives. If someone was going to be that uncaring about others… well, they got moved down the list of priorities, while folks who could be counted on were moved up.

Here’s the thing about friendship: it’s not like you two are starring in The Defiant Ones. The fact that you’re friends doesn’t mean that you’re bound together for life, no matter what. You are allowed to break up with your friends, especially when their friendship is causing you pain and anxiety. You aren’t required to put up with bad behavior or disrespect just because you’ve agreed that you’re buds. “Friends no matter what” is bullshit if the other person isn’t actually taking responsibility for themselves and their behavior. The whole “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” thing drives me up the goddamn wall, in no small part because of how much it excuses the person saying it from ever considering that maybe they should try not being the worst. Just to see how it feels.

Now this doesn’t mean that Amy and Lisa may not have legitimate issues. It’s entirely possible that they’re being 100% real with you about what makes them unreliable. It could well be that they’re putting in a good-faith effort to try to work around it, even if they don’t always succeed. If that’s the case… well, calling them out on being flakey is going to put them on the defensive. Odds are good that they’re already self-conscious as hell about flaking out on people. Calling them out just makes them feel worse about it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that they are unreliable and it feels like all of the accommodation is coming from your side of the friendship. It’s one thing to try to accommodate a condition, but the other person needs to be able to work around that condition too. And while there are plenty of issues – physical and emotional – that can be hard to predict, if you know that you have something that makes you unreliable or requires that you cancel… well, you have a responsibility to factor that into what you agree to do and what plans you make.

At the same time: even if they are being straight with you and are making good faith efforts to work around their issues, that doesn’t mean that you need to continue being friends with them. As with relationships, if you’re simply not compatible with them, then you are free to end the relationship. They may very well be good people, but you two may simply not be right for one another. You have different needs, and neither of you can reasonably fulfill them for one another in an equitable fashion.

So don’t feel guilty about cutting your losses, FPCNP. It’s a shame when friendships have to end. But, like romantic relationships, not every friendship is meant to be forever. Some are just for now. And, in the future, prioritize building friendships with people who demonstrate that they are more reliable and steadfast. It won’t ensure that every new friend will be for life… but it will cut down on the headaches and agita immensely.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)