DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t really a relationship question but if anyone would know how to advise a socially awkward introvert, it’s you!

Let’s start with some background on me. I’m a 26 year old woman with social anxiety and depression (currently in therapy and on pills) and suspected Aspergers or ADHD too (awaiting an assessment). I’m an only child, and I grew up with parents who weren’t close to their own families, so Christmas was usually just the three of us and I didn’t see much of my extended family. I was a perpetual outcast at school and I’ve never had close friends, which isn’t actually something that bothers me. I’m happy on my own. I don’t mean that in a sour grapes way, I just genuinely tend to require very little social stimulation outside of romantic relationships. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 as we have a strained relationship, and though I had to move back briefly a few times for financial reasons, any time I’ve lived there, including as a younger teen before I moved out first, I’ve been very independent. Any place I’ve lived in since I moved out has been either just mine, or with a partner. I’ve never done the roommate or shared house thing. Not having my own space and knowing who is coming in and out of the house and when makes me really edgy and feel like I’m under siege.

Now, while being this kind of person is inconvenient, I’m perfectly happy with myself. Different strokes for different folks and all that. I’ve never felt lonely, and trying to make myself more “normal” just lead to a bit of a drinking problem when I was younger because that was the only way I felt like socialising was enjoyable. I’m a massive loner and I’m fine! Except that now, I live in a foreign country. I was planning on moving out of my home country due to a political situation and on one of my many visits here, I met a local and fell in love, and now I live with him. And his parents. We want our own place but the town is tiny, there’s about 5 rental properties and they’re all occupied, and even if there was a house for sale, it’d be way out of our price range. So we’re in a bedroom at his parents house.

My boyfriend’s country is small, and the culture is very based around big families and it’s very close-knit. His mum is especially extroverted and constantly has people over, Christmas is a huge 20+ people affair, and practically everyone is somehow related to him. I’m serious, all but one house on our street has a relative in it, and you can’t even go to the capital city without him bumping into a cousin or an aunt. His mum is one of 8 siblings. Everyone’s super friendly and nice, but also very outgoing and huggy. And his mum is really lovely, but she also moves my stuff around a lot when she’s on a reorganisation binge, and that makes me hella uncomfortable too.

Obviously, this whole culture is stressing me the hell out. If I’d not met him and I was here alone, I’d be fine, but being with him sort of automatically brings me into situations I’ve either never done, like big family events, or can’t stand, like getting an unwanted hug in a supermarket from an aunt. There’s zero expectation of privacy too, people will just open the front door and walk into the house, and until I made it clear to him that my culture finds it rude as hell, my boyfriend genuinely didn’t see any issue with telling his mum about a medical condition I have. I got some bad news about one of my own family members a while ago and someone I’ve never met before approached me in the post office to give their sympathies.

I’m on edge constantly now. I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly before but leaving the house makes me uncomfortable in case I get tackled by a random relative, and I don’t feel great about staying at home either because who knows who’s gonna be in the house. I used to cook, and now I’m living off microwave meals so I don’t have to go into the kitchen. I spent all of Christmas and New Years having panic attacks. I’m currently sitting here really needing to pee, but not getting up because there’s random people in the house and I just wanna use the damn bathroom without getting cornered by an uncle to be asked if I’ve healed up from the surgery on my cervix yet. I broke down crying in the garage yesterday because something of mine had been moved again and I’m so on edge that the slightest little thing is sending me over. I used to be able to tolerate or even be totally comfortable bumping into people I know and now just the idea of it has me tensing up. I’ve even been getting hives.

So doc, what the hell do I do here? We’re planning on moving to another country on a year or two due to the boyfriend’s job, but in the meantime, I’m spiraling hard. Boyfriend is hella supportive but there’s only so much that can do when this is our living situation. Moving out isn’t an option, moving to my home country is legitimately impossible thanks to the political situation. I’ve tried to enforce some boundaries as best as I can but there’s such a huge cultural barrier in play here that I don’t think it actually occurs to people that anyone would be bothered by any of this. How do I learn to live without my usual (admittedly high) level of privacy, alone time, and control over my environment?

Back In My Shell

DEAR BACK IN MY SHELL: There’re times when you’ll have two people who just aren’t compatible. They may love each other to pieces, but the differences between them are just too great to make the relationship work. Those are often a tragedy. One of the lesser known – but equally tragic – relationship dilemmas is when the differences aren’t insurmountable… but the situation is untenable, turning inconveniences into disasters and the usual rough edges into mis-matched gears.

I’ll give you this, BIMS, if you and your boyfriend make it through this, then your relationship will be bulletproof. There’re few things that test the strength of a couple quite as much as throwing yourselves into a new country and a family dynamic that is the complete opposite of your own. Add incredibly close quarters with no opportunities for personal space and you’ve got a recipe for a relationship achieving critical failure – messily and all over the place. For a lot of couples, this particular experiment would end like a pair of rats in a too-small cage – with one pile of bones and one fat rat.

Of course, before that can happen, you have to survive the experience without going insane.

If you want to keep your sanity, then you have two priorities. The first is to get some much-needed space. This may be a problem due to sheer logistics; after all, you’re not in a place where you can dictate the rules or have more of a say about who has access to your living space. And while your own space can be mental as well as physical… right now it sounds like you need some serious isolation time.

Ideally, you would be able to move far enough away that you could find your own place but close enough to still be able to commute to your respective jobs. If there were some sleepy bedroom community or suburb nearby that you investigate, you might be able to get some much needed alone time.

Another option – though one that might be financially feasible – might be to look into getting a hotel room or AirB&B for a night or two on the regular. Even if you and your boyfriend pitched it as “hey, loving couple need a little alone time”, this would at least be a chance for you to get away from the maddening crowds and recover a little of your emotional stability.

Alternately, if there are places that you could reach with ease that are relatively isolated or that offers sufficient solitude – whether it’s a library or a quiet patch of woods or field – those might give you enough time on your own to let you rebuild your reserves.

But your second priority is going to be communicating with your boyfriend. You are, in a very real way, a stranger in a strange land and he’s your primary point of contact with his family and his culture. This means he’s also on deck to be your first line of defense and the one to be the defensive linesman to your quarterback.

(Can you tell I sports quite often?)

He needs to be running interference for you – explaining to your family just how seriously different this is for you and how much it’s taking a toll on your sanity. It’s not that you’re the ugly tourist who refuses to follow the local custom, it’s that the things that others take for granted are literally damaging your health. You’re doing your best here, but you’re reaching the breaking point. And if your boyfriend wants to continue being your boyfriend – or not dealing with a proper meltdown – then the best thing he can do is start being your advocate. This may take a serious and awkward conversation – possibly several  – to suss out, since he may not realize that this isn’t just a little quirk you can get over. But once you can make it clear just how much this is damaging you, then he’s the one who’s in the best position to help establish boundaries like “please don’t touch my girlfriend’s stuff, no really”. He might also be able to help make arrangements like “Let’s let BIMS hide in her room for an hour with headphones and a white-noise app” so that you can get at least some refuge from the crush.

The thing to remember – and something to reinforce to your boyfriend and, through him, to his family – is that being an introvert or having serious social anxiety in crowds isn’t something you just “get over”. It’s part of you, as much as your teeth and bones, not something that you can will away or grow out of. This means that if you and he are going to have long-term potential, he’s going to have to make accomodations for you, just as you’ve had to make accomodations for him. It’s just that your accommodations involve things like “yeah, she needs to not be around people for a while.” And that, honestly, isn’t that big of an ask – even in an incredibly outgoing and extroverted country.

It’s good that there’s an end-date to your trials, BIMS; knowing that makes it easier to grit one’s teeth and persevere. But it’s not going to do you any good if you grit your teeth so hard your jaw snaps. Work with your boyfriend and find your space wherever you can. It may take getting creative – hell, it may take straight up, hiding. But you’ll get through this.

And when you do, you’ll know that you and your boyfriend can survive damn near anything.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I work with this girl she is 6 years my senior. We started flirting back in May of 2016. She was not ready then, I was not ready then(did not know it), we got super close and it imploded somehow. 

Fast forward to July 2017, we where prepping a department together for inventory(we never stopped being friends) and a fellow coworker called us out on liking each other.  She gave me the eyes I first fell for and tried to make out that she didn’t like me like that.. Now here we are. Two friends of mine are actively pursuing her. I’ve been offering advice, even when I tell them how I feel… but look, I want her to be happy. 

Recently we were all hang out at a pool hall in a large group. She’d come with one of my friends – though strictly platonically – but the whole time she’s giving me that vibe. Every few seconds we catch each other glancing at the other; we lock eyes for a minute take a break repeat about 10 more times. Things are so close to what they used to be, but I am trying to wait for a chance to have a conversation with her away from work so we can talk it out.

But I am unsure if I should just let her know at work when we’re both on break. Or keep trying to fit into her busy schedule(she is a single mother of three).

I have found myself over this last year. I am confident that we would work together. I am just scared to take the plunge… How do I take the plunge?

Reigniting The Flame

DEAR REIGNITING THE FLAME: My dude, you have two choices here. Either you say something or you don’t. The longer you wait, the greater the odds that someone else will ask her out on a date and the greater the odds that she’ll say yes. She may damn well be ready to take another shot at making the two of you work, but that can’t happen if the two of you don’t talk to each other. So if you want this to happen, then you’re going to have to make it happen.

Straight talk: there is no reward without risk. Do you want a second chance with her? Are you convinced that she’s ready to try again with you? Then you’re going to have to reach down into your guts and find the courage to pull her aside. Tell her that you want to find time to talk. And if she doesn’t have time outside of work, you may have to just have that talk on your break.

But if you want this to happen, you are going to have to be the one to make that jump. Nobody can jump for you.

Because if you don’t? Someone else will.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wondered if you could tell me, in your opinion, does this girl fancy me? The way she behaves makes me think she might.. She works in a shop, and every time I go in, I see her near me, even if she wasn’t in that actual place before I went in.

When I go near the tills, she happen to be nearby, every single time. It’s like she gravitates towards me. Also, every time I go in, she will look at me for a long time, if she is far away. After that, she will be sneaky, and look at me from behind things when she probably doesn’t think I know she is doing it. I seriously think she spends more time looking at me, than not. I am shy, and I think she is too, because we never speak to each other. She also plays with her hair and clothes, I notice.

I have never had this situation before, because all of my girlfriends have been friends of my sisters, and things have been arranged through them. Do you think she is keen?

Reading The Tea Leaves

DEAR READING THE TEA LEAVES:

So let’s see… she’s always in proximity to you, seems to be playing eye-contact games and gets fidgety when you’re around?

That sounds like someone who’s hoping you’ll talk to her, RTTL. Now there’re a lot of other factors that can complicate whether someone in the service industry is interested in you – and it’s tricky when you’re a customer and they’re an employee. But there’s a surefire way to know if she’s into you:

Start talking to her and, if things go well, see if she’d be interested in going on a date.

Kind of amazing how well that works, honestly.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need help on how best to navigate the period between when I meet someone I am interested in dating and when we actually decide to date exclusively.

Here’s my situation. I’m a guy, and about a month ago I met a guy (T) that lives in a different city that is a 4-hour drive away. We met while we were both on vacation in a beach resort and we hit it off immediately. He is a good quality guy that seems awesome for me except for one item – I am not 100% sexually attracted to him… I’m at about 60%. He is a great kisser (a huge sexual factor for me), and the over-all connection is there so I’m still trying to figure out if the level of sexual attraction is a deal breaker or not.

Since meeting T, I have driven twice to his city and we have spent 4-5 amazing days together on each trip. We’ve had a great time together each time. When we are apart, we text each other daily. He is planning to spend next weekend with me in my city.

A few days after I met T, but before my first trip to his city, I met another guy (M). M lives in the same city I do, plays the same sport (which is how we met), and on a scale of 1 to 10 in sexual attraction, M is a 12!

Initially, I thought M was just going to be a short-term sexual fling. There is a big age gap between us, so I didn’t have any expectations for it being anything other than a one or two-time sexual thing. However, to my surprise, we’ve been seeing each other almost every day, having meals together, going to the movies, museums… pretty much – dating. We seem more compatible than I initially expected.

Neither guy knows that I am dating two people. Hell, it’s possible they are also dating other people. Right? However, my conscience is starting to pressure me to make a decision. Yet I am not quite ready to choose one person to date exclusively… My brain right now chooses T, while my junk chooses M.

My question to you is – what is the best ethical way to navigate this initial period? This is the first time I’ve dated two people at the same time. Do I continue the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule? Explicitly telling them I’m dating other people seems like a sure way to shoot my own foot and lose both.

Thanks for your help!

Exploring Before Choosing

DEAR EXPLORING BEFORE CHOOSING: Not going to lie, EBC, my knee-jerk response would be to say “nobody says you have to be exclusive.” And while I’m only half-serious, an ethically non-monogamous relationship is an option for folks these days. But it’s not for everyone, nor is that an answer that’s especially helpful for you in this circumstance.

The problem is that you’re in a weird gray area when it comes to dating – one that tends to come up because we as a culture don’t like talking about dating – especially with the people we’re dating. There’s an almost palpable fear that a person’s attraction to us is as fragile and ephemeral as a soap bubble and as timid as a deer. There’s a sense that if you try to bring up the topic – or even acknowledge its presence – too early and you’ll cause the whole thing to disappear with a sudden pop. As a result, we get people who want to surf this quantum state of ambiguity where they’re both dating and not, both exclusive and not at the same time. As long as nobody brings up the topic, then it’s anything goes.

But this is also how people end up getting hurt. When nobody says anything, you end up with the very good chance that you and and the other person are on entirely different pages. I’ve seen plenty of folks who’ve been hurt and upset because they found out that the person they’d been on a handful of dates with was also seeing other people, even though nobody had said a single word about their being an item. Hell, look at your situation. You see yourself as being non-exclusive, especially this early into the relationship. But T or M (or both) may have an expectation of exclusivity. If either (or both) of them find out that they’re not your one and only, then you run the risk of hurt feelings and the end of a burgeoning relationship.

The problem though, is that someone having these expectations (assuming they do) isn’t fair to you if they’re being imposed unilaterally or without your consent. It’s unreasonable for someone to insist that you’re bound by someone’s expectations that you didn’t know exist or that you didn’t agree to in the first place. This is why I’m a believer that if you haven’t had the Defining The Relationship talk – or at the very least, a discussion about exclusivity, you should both work under the assumption that you aren’texclusive. Relationships can’t work if everyone involved isn’t on the same page, and that includes how everyone feels about issues like exclusivity and monogamy. There are too many times when couples (and triads and poly pods and…) run headlong into conflict because they never actually sat down and discussed just what the rules of their relationship actually were. As a result, something that one party thought was perfectly above board ends up hurting someone else, who had an entirely different understanding.

This doesn’t mean that one person may not want exclusivity, may not hope for exclusivity, may not be hurt if they find out you’re dating other people.

Now, I know a lot of people will say that for them, their potential partner dating others would be a definite deal-breaker. This is fine… but this is something that they need to be up front about. If it’s going to be important to someone, it’s far better to state it up front and weed out the folks who aren’t suitable for them. Trying to surf the ambiguity of the situation in order to not have to talk about it isn’t any more productive and causes unnecessary pain. Doubly so if they’re going to get upset at you for not living up to an arrangement you didn’t agree to. This is why I’m a believer in that if you have needs, especially needs from someone you’re only just starting to get to know, you need to state those up front and early.

You (general you) have to be willing to take responsibility and ask for the information you’re going to want adn/or need.

My belief is that exclusivity and monogamy should be opt-in, especially in the early days of dating, when you’re still trying to determine whether this is a relationship worth pursuing. But in general, it’s much easier to say “I want this to be about just us” than it is to say “yeah, we’ve been exclusive but now I want to see other people as well as you.”

With that out of the way, let’s talk about your situation, EBC. And the truth is that it’s really goddamn early in both of these relationships. You’ve only known T for a month and you’ve only been on a handful of dates. You’ve known M for less time and while you may be seeing each other on the regular… a month is still really goddamn early. Even with a month of near-constant dates and banging, you barely know somebody. You’re both still very much in that initial “on my best behavior” stage, where you’re still presenting this carefully polished and curated version of one another.  There’s still a lot that runs on a “need to know” and “ready to know” basis and frankly if it doesn’t directly affect them, then I’m of the opinion that they don’t need to know. This includes the fact that you’re seeing other people, especially if you’re not serious about either of them.

However if they ask, then yes, you need to tell them. No trying to hem and haw or parse their words so that they didn’t ask specifically enough. If you can tell that they’re asking if you’re seeing other people, then you tell them, openly and honestly. Similarly, if your conscience is really bugging you about this, then it may make you feel better to talk to them and say “Hey, I know we never talked about exclusivity and I don’t know how you feel about things but I want to let you know that I’m seeing other folks.”

Until then, though? I think not saying anything at this stage is fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have started seeing a guy that I like a lot. We seem to have great sexual chemistry as well as good intellectual discussions and a lot in common.

However, he doesn’t seem that aligned with my interests. I love personal development – going to seminars, listening to podcasts, reading books, hiring life coaches – all of the above.

When I started talking about it he told me it reminded him of a date he went on where all the girl could talk about what how she wrote to Jesus in her spare time.

I was pretty offended at this point, and sort of shut down. The date was awkward after that point. What would have been a better way to handle this?

I really like this guy and I’m SICK of online dating, and he seems like a good option to become serious with. But, what do I do if he shames me for my love of personal development?

Sincerely,

Dating is Hard

DEAR DATING IS HARD: I’m not gonna lie, DIH, it sounds like you’re putting a LOT of time and effort into personal development. I mean, if you’re regularly going to seminars and hiring life coaches, that sounds like it’s something that takes up a significant amount of time for you.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s cool if that’s your thing. You do you. But to someone who isn’t as interested as you are, this may seem a little intense and overwhelming.

So I think my question would be: when you were talking about this with him, how did you roll it out? Was it a case of “these are a couple of the things I’m into,” or was it a lengthy explanation of what you’re doing, how, why and the results you’ve had, all in one go?

One of the effects of being really passionate about something is that you really want to talk about the things you’re passionate about. The problem is that sometimes there’s so much to it that you love that it’s hard to explain it to someone who isn’t already familiar with the topic. You can see this all the time when somebody who loves, say, Star Wars or comics or anime or a particular game series tries to explain it to somebody who’s not into it themselves. This can sometimes lead to… less of a discussion and more of a lecture series, often with sub-lectures that branch off from the main topic.

This can be a combination of overwhelming, mystifying and intimidating all at once.

(Here’s a fun exercise: ask a diehard fan to explain the story and lore of Kingdom Hearts… in less than 30 minutes).

So it’s possible that he may not have been your personal development so much as the amount and delivery. Or he may have just heard all of this as your being into something he considers to be a lot of woo-woo and made a comparison that you (reasonably) found insulting.

It’s one thing for couples not to share every interest; in fact it’s quite healthy for the relationship if everyone has their own life and interests outside of being a couple. But even if they don’t share your interests, they have to at least respect them… or that you have them.

If he isn’t into your thing for personal development or thinks it’s wacky or silly, that’s not ideal, but it’s also not necessarily a deal-breaker as long as he can respect that you love it. If he’s going to neg you for what you’re into though? That’s a sign that he’s not that great of an option to settled down with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m facing a situation that I’m sure quite a few of your readers are starting to think about right now, and thought I’d reach out for advice.

It’s about to be the start of the final semester for many seniors in college. For most guys, this is the perfect window of opportunity for a no-strings-attached fling before heading off into the real world. For those of us in serious relationships, it means that we are starting to think about the possibility of ending things with our girlfriends or possibly doing long distance.

Enter me: So eight months ago I started dating this incredible girl (hot, smart, funny – the whole package) who is two years younger than me. It’s my first relationship that is really serious – and while I wouldn’t say our relationship is perfect, it’s going well and we love each other.

However, I have to make a decision on whether to do long-distance pretty soon. I’m moving up to work in Boston after graduation while she’ll still be in D.C. finishing school. Doing long distance would be very manageable – I’ll be making solid money at my job and have weekends completely free. She also has plenty of free time and can afford flying up 1-2 times a month. Flights are cheap, quick, and we could theoretically spend every other weekend together. Not to mention that we did 3 months of long-distance over the summer to start the relationship and she’s even expressed interest in making it work.

There are some twists. I want to eventually attend a top business school in the U.S. yet she’s an international student without a long-term visa, so there’s a possibility (30-50%) that she’s not in the U.S. two years after she graduates. My firm is a multinational and I could easily transfer to wherever she is after graduation, but I would have to relocate in a year or two back to the U.S. to get my MBA.

My friends have also told me that my early 20s are the best years of my life, that I should not be tied down. My heart tells me to go for it, but my mind is telling me that there are hurdles and a future after her graduation is by no means a guarantee.

So here’s the question(s):

1) How should I approach the big conversation about long-distance with her, and how should that conversation even go? I’m worried that if things end at the end of the year I’ll be left wishing I spent more time with my friends. I’m also generally a dude incapable of having these serious conversations without saying something idiotic.

2) Should I even do long-distance, given the degree of uncertainty over both of our futures?

3) How the hell do I mentally deal with all this uncertainty over the long-term future of my relationship? I’ve been consistently depressed thinking about the possibility of losing her and losing out on an incredible future with her.

I’ve talked to other friends dealing with similar questions, so while the specifics of my situation are different I think many seniors out there could use your wisdom.

Best,

Suddenly Senior

DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR: Allow me to give you the information that I wish someone had given me when I was graduating from college: don’t get tied up in what your life is “supposed” to be like.

We’ve all been handed this narrative of “this is how life is supposed to be,” with your 20s being the “best years of your life” (assuming that you didn’t get told that high-school is supposed to be the best years of your life… gah) as though everybody’s life fit into a neat, simple, one-size-fits-all pattern. 

Screw that noise. Your life is what you make of it. The best years of your life may well be in your 20s when you have relatively few responsibilities as you’re starting out and you have the financial freedom to explore the world. Or it may be in your 30s when you’re more established in who you are and you’ve shaken off the fears and self-limiting beliefs that you’ve been fighting with most of your life. Or it may be in your 40s when you’re financially more secure and able to afford to take more chances and explore those long-held dreams. Or it may be in your 70s as you sit with you partner in quiet contemplation, looking at the life you’ve lived together.

Getting older doesn’t automatically mean the end of fun or the inability to have adventures. Hell, sometimes getting older is what makes that fun possible. I’m with Jay-Z on this; 30 is the new 20. My 30s were like my 20s except with more sex, more self-esteem and more money. I wish my 20s had been different, but they made me who I am today and by God I love my life as it is.

The idea of “this is what you should do” is goddamn toxic because it tells anyone who doesn’t fit that mold that they’re doing it wrong. OK, sure it’s great to be foot-loose and fancy free in your 20s… as long as you’re not, y’know, loaded down with crippling debt just from getting the base-line education deemed necessary for an increasingly impossible middle-class existence (assuming you went to college at all in the first place) or you aren’t working your ass off trying to simply keep yourself afloat in an increasingly insecure job-market. Not everybody is going to follow the same path, either by choice or by circumstance and telling them that they’re “wrong” for doing so is bulls

t.

And then there’s the idea that you shouldn’t be “tied down” – as though relationships are a trap – in your 20s. Yes, some people look back on their younger days and wish they’d had wilder, crazier times. Other people, on the other hand, are grateful that they had someone to spend those younger days with instead of dealing with the at-times maddening world of sex and dating and the constant frustrations of trying to find someone to love instead of hook-ups and the relationship equivalents of microwavable dinners.

Your life is going to be what you make of it, and that includes how you want to enter into the “real world”.

But let’s talk about your relationship. As I’ve said before, relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and long-distance ones up the difficulty-levels exponentially. 

Entering into an LDR means changing the terms of your relationship; little things that you might take for granted when you can see each other every day suddenly become very different when you only see each other once a month or less. Sex and that intimacy is a big one. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but it also can make the junk go yonder. The physical connection is a key component in a relationship and when it’s limited by necessity… well, sometimes that can make things tough. A monogamous LDR can be a difficult thing to maintain, especially the further apart you are.

Now with your case: you’re actually fairly well set-up to make things work, at least in the short-term. Boston to DC isn’t that far and there is a huge amount of infrastructure built to handle the needs of commuting back and forth; you’re a short plane ride away, driving back and forth (or taking the train) isn’t unreasonably inconvenient, etc. You’ll both have free time to see each other regularly, which is key to making an LDR work.

The tricky part will be afterwards, when she’s graduated and you’re looking into getting your MBA. Part of what makes an LDR tolerable is the idea that there will be an end to it. Even a long separation can be endured when you know that there will be a point when it will all be over and the two of you will be together again. When it’s potentially your new status-quo however… well, that’s going to be tricky. Some relationships can handle the yo-yoing between being long-distance and not. Many can’t.

But here’s the thing: you’re basically asking whether it’s time to break up with your girlfriend now when leveraged against the possibility of the relationship ending some time in the future. And to be perfectly honest: that’s a stupid reason to break up with someone. Ending things because you don’t think you could make a LDR work is reasonable. Breaking up with someone now because you can’t guarantee that you’ll definitely be together in 2 years, 3 years, 10 years… that’s just dumb. You don’t have any guarantees that you won’t break up next week, never mind in one of the many possible futures when you’re both living in a foreign country.

Cold truth time: all relationships end, sooner or later, until one doesn’t. Your girlfriend now may well be the last relationship you ever have. Or she may just be the first in a string of serious relationships. You don’t know and you can’t know. Trying to base whether to continue dating her by gaming out the future is only going to steal joy from what you have now. Borrowing trouble from a future that MAY be two, three or five years down the line is a great way cast a shadow over something that you have right here, right now.

You’re crazy about this woman. She’s crazy about you. You’re both interested in trying to make the LDR thing work while she’s still in college. Freaking go for it. Quit worrying about the long-term uncertainty and appreciate what you have now. You may end up in a relationship that does have a definite expiration date or you may break up before it ever becomes an issue, or you may find ways of making things work and have a long happy marriage surrounded by fat grandchildren. But what you don’t want to do is end up making yourself miserable over what might happen. Giving up happiness in the present for fear of sadness in the future means you’ll never be happy.

Enjoy what you have. Settle in for a LDR for the two years while she’s finishing school. When she graduates and you both have a better idea of what’s going to happen next, THEN it’s time to negotiate the next potential change to your relationship. Maybe she’ll be leaving the country. Maybe she won’t. Maybe you’ll go with her. Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll get a job and move to Boston with you. Maybe she’ll stay in DC and you’ll get transferred to a branch office in Baltimore. Who knows. That’s the future and the two of you can deal with it when it arrives.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)