DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m facing a situation that I’m sure quite a few of your readers are starting to think about right now, and thought I’d reach out for advice.

It’s about to be the start of the final semester for many seniors in college. For most guys, this is the perfect window of opportunity for a no-strings-attached fling before heading off into the real world. For those of us in serious relationships, it means that we are starting to think about the possibility of ending things with our girlfriends or possibly doing long distance.

Enter me: So eight months ago I started dating this incredible girl (hot, smart, funny – the whole package) who is two years younger than me. It’s my first relationship that is really serious – and while I wouldn’t say our relationship is perfect, it’s going well and we love each other.

However, I have to make a decision on whether to do long-distance pretty soon. I’m moving up to work in Boston after graduation while she’ll still be in D.C. finishing school. Doing long distance would be very manageable – I’ll be making solid money at my job and have weekends completely free. She also has plenty of free time and can afford flying up 1-2 times a month. Flights are cheap, quick, and we could theoretically spend every other weekend together. Not to mention that we did 3 months of long-distance over the summer to start the relationship and she’s even expressed interest in making it work.

There are some twists. I want to eventually attend a top business school in the U.S. yet she’s an international student without a long-term visa, so there’s a possibility (30-50%) that she’s not in the U.S. two years after she graduates. My firm is a multinational and I could easily transfer to wherever she is after graduation, but I would have to relocate in a year or two back to the U.S. to get my MBA.

My friends have also told me that my early 20s are the best years of my life, that I should not be tied down. My heart tells me to go for it, but my mind is telling me that there are hurdles and a future after her graduation is by no means a guarantee.

So here’s the question(s):

1) How should I approach the big conversation about long-distance with her, and how should that conversation even go? I’m worried that if things end at the end of the year I’ll be left wishing I spent more time with my friends. I’m also generally a dude incapable of having these serious conversations without saying something idiotic.

2) Should I even do long-distance, given the degree of uncertainty over both of our futures?

3) How the hell do I mentally deal with all this uncertainty over the long-term future of my relationship? I’ve been consistently depressed thinking about the possibility of losing her and losing out on an incredible future with her.

I’ve talked to other friends dealing with similar questions, so while the specifics of my situation are different I think many seniors out there could use your wisdom.

Best,

Suddenly Senior

DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR: Allow me to give you the information that I wish someone had given me when I was graduating from college: don’t get tied up in what your life is “supposed” to be like.

We’ve all been handed this narrative of “this is how life is supposed to be,” with your 20s being the “best years of your life” (assuming that you didn’t get told that high-school is supposed to be the best years of your life… gah) as though everybody’s life fit into a neat, simple, one-size-fits-all pattern. 

Screw that noise. Your life is what you make of it. The best years of your life may well be in your 20s when you have relatively few responsibilities as you’re starting out and you have the financial freedom to explore the world. Or it may be in your 30s when you’re more established in who you are and you’ve shaken off the fears and self-limiting beliefs that you’ve been fighting with most of your life. Or it may be in your 40s when you’re financially more secure and able to afford to take more chances and explore those long-held dreams. Or it may be in your 70s as you sit with you partner in quiet contemplation, looking at the life you’ve lived together.

Getting older doesn’t automatically mean the end of fun or the inability to have adventures. Hell, sometimes getting older is what makes that fun possible. I’m with Jay-Z on this; 30 is the new 20. My 30s were like my 20s except with more sex, more self-esteem and more money. I wish my 20s had been different, but they made me who I am today and by God I love my life as it is.

The idea of “this is what you should do” is goddamn toxic because it tells anyone who doesn’t fit that mold that they’re doing it wrong. OK, sure it’s great to be foot-loose and fancy free in your 20s… as long as you’re not, y’know, loaded down with crippling debt just from getting the base-line education deemed necessary for an increasingly impossible middle-class existence (assuming you went to college at all in the first place) or you aren’t working your ass off trying to simply keep yourself afloat in an increasingly insecure job-market. Not everybody is going to follow the same path, either by choice or by circumstance and telling them that they’re “wrong” for doing so is bulls

t.

And then there’s the idea that you shouldn’t be “tied down” – as though relationships are a trap – in your 20s. Yes, some people look back on their younger days and wish they’d had wilder, crazier times. Other people, on the other hand, are grateful that they had someone to spend those younger days with instead of dealing with the at-times maddening world of sex and dating and the constant frustrations of trying to find someone to love instead of hook-ups and the relationship equivalents of microwavable dinners.

Your life is going to be what you make of it, and that includes how you want to enter into the “real world”.

But let’s talk about your relationship. As I’ve said before, relationships are difficult under the best of circumstances and long-distance ones up the difficulty-levels exponentially. 

Entering into an LDR means changing the terms of your relationship; little things that you might take for granted when you can see each other every day suddenly become very different when you only see each other once a month or less. Sex and that intimacy is a big one. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but it also can make the junk go yonder. The physical connection is a key component in a relationship and when it’s limited by necessity… well, sometimes that can make things tough. A monogamous LDR can be a difficult thing to maintain, especially the further apart you are.

Now with your case: you’re actually fairly well set-up to make things work, at least in the short-term. Boston to DC isn’t that far and there is a huge amount of infrastructure built to handle the needs of commuting back and forth; you’re a short plane ride away, driving back and forth (or taking the train) isn’t unreasonably inconvenient, etc. You’ll both have free time to see each other regularly, which is key to making an LDR work.

The tricky part will be afterwards, when she’s graduated and you’re looking into getting your MBA. Part of what makes an LDR tolerable is the idea that there will be an end to it. Even a long separation can be endured when you know that there will be a point when it will all be over and the two of you will be together again. When it’s potentially your new status-quo however… well, that’s going to be tricky. Some relationships can handle the yo-yoing between being long-distance and not. Many can’t.

But here’s the thing: you’re basically asking whether it’s time to break up with your girlfriend now when leveraged against the possibility of the relationship ending some time in the future. And to be perfectly honest: that’s a stupid reason to break up with someone. Ending things because you don’t think you could make a LDR work is reasonable. Breaking up with someone now because you can’t guarantee that you’ll definitely be together in 2 years, 3 years, 10 years… that’s just dumb. You don’t have any guarantees that you won’t break up next week, never mind in one of the many possible futures when you’re both living in a foreign country.

Cold truth time: all relationships end, sooner or later, until one doesn’t. Your girlfriend now may well be the last relationship you ever have. Or she may just be the first in a string of serious relationships. You don’t know and you can’t know. Trying to base whether to continue dating her by gaming out the future is only going to steal joy from what you have now. Borrowing trouble from a future that MAY be two, three or five years down the line is a great way cast a shadow over something that you have right here, right now.

You’re crazy about this woman. She’s crazy about you. You’re both interested in trying to make the LDR thing work while she’s still in college. Freaking go for it. Quit worrying about the long-term uncertainty and appreciate what you have now. You may end up in a relationship that does have a definite expiration date or you may break up before it ever becomes an issue, or you may find ways of making things work and have a long happy marriage surrounded by fat grandchildren. But what you don’t want to do is end up making yourself miserable over what might happen. Giving up happiness in the present for fear of sadness in the future means you’ll never be happy.

Enjoy what you have. Settle in for a LDR for the two years while she’s finishing school. When she graduates and you both have a better idea of what’s going to happen next, THEN it’s time to negotiate the next potential change to your relationship. Maybe she’ll be leaving the country. Maybe she won’t. Maybe you’ll go with her. Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll get a job and move to Boston with you. Maybe she’ll stay in DC and you’ll get transferred to a branch office in Baltimore. Who knows. That’s the future and the two of you can deal with it when it arrives.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help to save my relationship. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months, we’re both nerdy and we’re both gamers. We love gaming together and most of the time everything is great. Here’s the problem: I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert, and if he spends more than 4-5 days with a person, he has to get away from them for a few days or he goes nuts. So since we spend a lot of time together since we’re dating, every so often he has to spend a few days away from me, sometimes a week. We plan on limiting the time we spend together to 3 days a week to see how that goes. I really hate when he wants to be away from me, it hurts and I feel sad; and even though I understand why and he tells me it’s not personal it still feels horrible. Is there another way we can solve this other than me being miserable every once in a while when he needs to be away from me? If he needed to be away for work, or some other reason I wouldn’t care. But the fact that he cant stand me if I’m with him too much just really hurts. How can we eventually move in together if he can’t be with someone more than 4 or 5 days at a time? He also wants to get married eventually, but I don’t get how that would work. He thinks he could get an “alone room” in the house or something, which I think is weird. 

Anyway, what’s your advice?

A Whovian’s Girlfriend

DEAR A WHOVIAN’S GIRLFRIEND: There’re a couple issues here.

The first is that you’re taking this personally, when it’s not about you at all. Your boyfriend’s behavior is about energy – how he recharges and how he expends it. As an introvert, he recharges his energy through more solitary pursuits and gets worn out being around people. An extrovert is the opposite: they get their charge from being around others and can be uncomfortable on their own for long. Some introverts are more sensitive than others and may need more time on their own, just as some extroverts have a harder time being on their own and need to be around people as much as possible. It sounds like your boyfriend is one of former – being around anyone, even in a one-on-one situation, drains him.

The thing you have to realize is that being his girlfriend doesn’t magically make you the exception to the rule; just because he loves you doesn’t mean that being around you is any less draining. It’s got nothing to do with how he feels and everything to do with what this does to his energy levels. He may love you, but he’s still going to need a chance to recharge his batteries.

And really, a room of one’s own isn’t that unusual if you can afford a place with enough bedrooms. Some people have an office in their house or apartment, others have a man cave or a craft room or set up their garage as a workspace. Having a place that’s your own little sanctuary can be valuable.

All that being said… I don’t think that’s necessarily the problem here. I think the real issue is that he’s feeling a bit smothered and wants some time on his own and doesn’t know any other way to tell you.

Spending every waking moment together isn’t a healthy measure of how awesome your relationship is, just as wanting some time on one’s own isn’t a sign that he doesn’t care or feels less than you do. Everyone has different attachment styles. Some folks like a lot of space and personal time, even in relationships. Others like to be joined at the hip with their partners at all times. You sound like the latter. Unfortunately, you’re dating one of the former, and it sounds like the two of you are working against one another. People who need space tend to react badly when their partners are clingy, while people who want lots of togetherness tend to react to someone needing space by clinging even tighter, as though this could magically fix things and make him want to spend more time with them.

Needless to say, this is a recipe for disaster.

You both sound relatively young and to be perfectly honest, it sounds like neither of you have had too much experience with committed relationships. Your boyfriend is one of those types where spending nearly every day together is going to be way too intense for them, especially when it’s a brand new relationship. Add that to the fact that he’s an introvert and, well, you’re probably overwhelming him and he’s desperate for some alone time. Of course, it doesn’t help that he doesn’t really know how to TELL you this – especially since you’re already getting anxious over the fact that he needs time at all.

So the two of you need to sit down and have a long Awkward Conversation about how this is going; how is he going to get his need for space met while also meeting your need for togetherness. And when you do talk, you need to make a point of realizing that his needing personal space has nothing to do with how he feels about you. If you are going to get upset over his wanting time on his own, then your relationship isn’t going to work out. Really, getting together three days a week – every other day, perhaps – is entirely reasonable, especially as the two of you learn how to work with one another. Most couples at your stage are usually lucky to see one another on the weekends and meeting up during the week for a quick lunch or mini-date. You can always adjust things as you get more experienced with handling one another’s needs.

And as a total aside: honestly, three months is too soon to be talking about moving in together and way too soon to be talking marriage. Slow your roll, talk out your issues and see if you can find a compromise that works for both of you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would like your opinion on something.

I sort of have feelings for one of my friends girlfriends. Now before you start playing “Jessie’s Girl” I do NOT want to act on these feelings. I like my friend and his girlfriend and I’m glad they’re in a happy relationship. I don’t want to do anything to ruin it. 

I mostly just have fantasies about her, but I quickly get rid of those thoughts. I think the reason why have these thoughts about are because of my own relationship issues. You see I’m in my second year of college, busy with the work that comes with it and I have pretty bad approach anxiety, so my love life is non-existent. My friend’s girlfriend is the only attractive girl I’ve talked to on a consistent bias. 

So I guess my question is it okay that I have fantasies about my friend’s girlfriend as long as I don’t act on them?

My Best Friend’s Girl Friend

DEAR MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND: Dude, what goes on between your ears is nobody’s business but your own. You’re welcome to fantasize about anyone you damn well please. Jerk it to visions of Mother Teresa or Billy Graham or Hank Williams Jr. if that’s your thing.

But let’s talk about your feelings for a moment. You don’t need to stress yourself out about what to do about these inconvenient feels you’ve developed for your best friend’s girl. You have a crush, that’s all. People get crushes all the time, whether they’re young or old, single or married for 30 years. It’s all part of the human experience, and all it means is that you’re a human who finds other people attractive.

That’s it.

Crushes, as intense as they can feel sometimes, are inherently ephemeral. They fade on their own, especially if you’re not doing anything to maintain it. Both trying to pursue it and trying to repress it only makes them stronger. All either of those do is put the state of I HAVE FEELS front and center in your brain, where you can’t possibly ignore it.

On the other hand, if you just acknowledge it, note it and just let it wash over you and past you without doing anything about it, it’ll fade on its own, sooner rather than later.

But really, the best thing you can do is deal with the source of the problem. You’re right: while I’m sure your friend’s girlfriend is an amazing woman, the reason you’ve imprinted on her like a baby gosling is because she’s the only attractive woman you’re talking to. She’s sexy, she’s nice and – most importantly, she’s safe. Your subconscious has decided it’s ok to lust after her because you know there’s no chance of things going anywhere; you’re not risking rejection by talking to her because you already know how it would turn out. 

This isn’t going to be healthy for you in the long run, and the best thing you can do is, frankly, to go meet other women. You don’t necessarily need to date them, but exposing yourself (er… as it were) to other women out there is going to make it easier to deal with these guilt-inducing fantasies of yours. And if you happen to get a date or get laid out of it… yahtzee!

So you’ll need to work on getting a handle on your approach anxiety. The best way to do that  is to slowly desensitize yourself and get used to just being able to talk to other people. Go check out the archives on my site and read my posts about dealing with approach anxiety; I outline how to go about getting more comfortable with approaching strangers. The more you interact with other attractive – and, critically, available – women, the less you’ll be consumed by these thoughts that’re making you feel so uncomfortable.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have almost been together a full year. Things are beyond great, we’ve been discussing moving in together, but there is something that causes me to feel uneasy: he is friends with his ex.

When we first started dating I let him know that I was uncomfortable with this. He has assured me that they are only friends, but I still can’t shake this terrible feeling I get – especially, when he texts her often. It used to be where she would call him during our dates, yes he would answer, and then have long conversations about her own relationships and whatnot. She no longer calls him as often..at least when I’m around. But she leans on him as a source of comfort and it irks me.

I don’t ever get the full picture, but from what I hear, from what little he has shared with me, after they dated she fell for someone hard and it ended terribly and her confidence hasn’t been the same. But again, from my perspective, what she’s missing from her romantic relationships she get’s from my boyfriend. A shoulder to cry on, and someone to listen to her, someone that actually listens. My boyfriend is a great listener so I can understand why she would cling to that.

For a couple of months she backed off after he told her he couldn’t be there all the time for her. Slowly it reverted back to them texting often. I don’t feel as though he wants to be with her because he has told me time and time again that he is over her and wants to be with me. I’ve let him know that I have no interest in being with someone that wants to be with someone else, so if his feelings change…just let me know. I want to trust him, and it’s not that I don’t, but this is just so uncomfortable for me.

He values her friendship but this is more than just a typical friendship. I can’t help but feel this jealousy. I can’t see myself being the type of person that would issue an ultimatum because his feelings are important to me. He said he experienced feeling this way when he was dating his ex and she was close friends with her previous ex. I’m sorry I just don’t get being close friends with your ex. So he said he managed to deal with his jealousy and not really let it eat at him. What I also don’t get is, he knows how terrible it feels, so why would you put that upon your current relationship?

I feel this extreme guilt for feeling this way and for making him feel uneasy whenever he does take a call from her. The last thing I want is for him to not feel comfortable around me. But how do I deal with this jealousy? Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Green-Eyed Monster

DEAR GREEN-EYED MONSTER: There’re two different issues going on here, GEM.

The first is that your boyfriend’s ex has some issues with boundaries, and your boyfriend ain’t helping. It’s one thing to still be friends with someone you used to date. It’s another entirely when you ignore basically everything going on in their life at your convenience. Calling on dates, for example, is an issue. Now, I doubt that she’s planning on interrupting your dates. I suspect it’s far more likely that it’s a case that Friday night is the loneliest night of the week and that’s when all the little anxiety gremlins come out to play and she calls your beau in order to get talked down from the metaphorical ledge.

But while it’s sweet that your boy is considerate and wants to make sure she’s ok and provides a shoulder… taking calls on your dates that don’t involve someone actively being on fire isn’t cool. She needs to stop leaning on him quite as much and he needs to stop enabling her.

However, this also brings us to your second problem: you don’t trust your boyfriend. You don’t get why someone would still be friends with someone they used to date and see them still being close as reason for suspicion. However, being friends with an ex is generally a good thing. It’s a mark of who this person is and what they’re like in relationships in general. Yes, the romantic side of the relationship came to an end, but the two of them still had that core of respect and affection for one another that was part of why they were dating in the first place. He’s not running around screaming what an evil harpy she was, she’s not dragging him to everyone who’ll listen. These are pretty reliable indicators as to who he is and what you can expect from him.

And to be perfectly honest: nothing you’ve said in your letter sounds terribly egregious. He’s not lying to you about her, he’s not acting shady or concealing things. Actions speak louder than words and, frankly, he’s acting the way he would with a platonic friend who he used to date.

Don’t get me wrong: I get that you’re uncomfortable. This isn’t a relationship dynamic that you’re used to. But when all signs are pointing to “he’s being a straight-up guy”, then if you want this relationship to work, you really need to be willing to take “yes” for an answer.

Now that having been said: if he doesn’t start enforcing some boundaries with her, that’s cause for concern. Not that he’s going to leave you for her but that he’s letting a friend ride roughshod over him and being inconsiderate to you in the process. That ain’t cool and he needs to knock that the hell off.

So, rather than issuing ultimatums or setting up a scenario where you set up a “it’s her or me” choice (which never goes well, no matter who he chooses) – focus on the rudeness and the boundary issues. Ask him to have some limits in how much access she has to him – especially when it’s time for just the two of you. If he’s always leaping to the phone when she calls, she’s just going to call more. Having some (completely reasonable) limits to how often he has to be dancing in attendance will not only make you feel better, it’s more likely to make her follow the rule of Handle Thine Own S

t… or at the very least, dump her emotional load on someone else.

But for real. If he’s being straight with you and letting you know, in no uncertain terms that he cares for you? Then let yourself believe him. Because if you can’t, it doesn’t matter what he says or does; you’ll always be waiting for disaster to strike.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been to a few of your panels at A-Kon and you seem well equipped for potentially helping my situation. Thank you for your consideration. 

If you asked me when I was going to meet someone special, before that convention, I would say never. A majority of my dating experience comes from my friends or the few unsuccessful dates I’ve had. After 3 years of trying and getting nowhere but hurt fast, I left the scene completely. 

Then I met Lady.

To keep things short; here’s a timeline of events;

Day 1-3, met at convention, never really left each other’s side, I expressed my unwillingness to date.

Day 4-8, tried to stifle crush that I didn’t realize was a crush, constant communication between me and Lady

Day 8, admitted constant thoughts of Lady to her. Lady admitted it was a mutual crush.

Day 9, went to a post-con party with the other people we met. Lady slowly broke my barriers down through the night (I don’t like being touched by anyone, by morning we were cuddling in bed)

Day 10, Lady admits that she has the same feelings for appx. 3-5 other men.

Day 11, we go bowling together with Beard, a friend of hers

Day 15, I go to her house, she admits stronger feelings. Mutual.

Day 21, another party. Lots of her friends there.

Day 26, she visits my place and spends the night.

Day 30, during a meetup with Lady, Beard, my sister and me, she admits she cannot date me due to a co-dependancy on Beard, but not because she is, or would be, dating him.

Other details: 

Lady is extremely flirty, to my very reserved personality.  Her friends, and those I’ve met, have given me the thumbs up. Her closest friend who told her to stop goofing around with others and take this seriously. 

She has been adamant to not use the bf/gf title, and I’ve been patient in that regard, however, made it clear that that is my intent. Has not stopped her from giving me the generic pet names (hun, bae, etc.).

Beard and Lady go way back, and are very intimate with each other, but due to two or three very contrasting lifestyle choices, they will not date. Explicitly stated by both parties.

Here are my questions; 

Am I being a good human by giving her time and space with this? 

Am I trying to move too fast? 

Should I talk to Beard, and try to have an understanding? (We are friends, and on good terms.) 

I’ve chosen to ignore the “equal feelings for other guys” notion on the basis that not everyone’s feelings work the same way, and I cannot control how she feels. Is this a sane solution?

Thank you for your time and patience.

Stuck in the Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: You’re asking the wrong questions, SitM. Here’s what you really need to ask:

Are you willing to functionally be the side-piece in this arrangement? As much as Lady may like you and as much as you may like her, she’s decided that Beard is her number one priority. Even were she up for a functionally polyamorous relationship – whether with you and Beard or with you and some of those other guys she apparently has a thing for – Beard is her primary emotional partner. Even if things are never official… they’re each the star the other is orbiting, no matter what they call their relationship. While I’m not going to question the depth of the feelings she may have for you, the fact of the matter is that Beard is going to come before you.

This is why your second question has to be: how long are you willing to be in a relationship under these exact conditions with the knowledge that it will never change? Six months? One year? Ten years? And I’m being serious when I say that you can’t go in thinking that you can wait this out; you can’t, because it isn’t going to happen. Not on any time scale that’s not measured in geological epochs.

Maybe they’ll stop doing whatever little dance they’re doing and actually hook up. Maybe one of them will finally pull the trigger and end things.  Maybe they won’t and this little co-dependent drama of theirs will continue until the stars burn out. But the entire time that you are part of this will be time that you could be spending finding other partners who are just as amazing and don’t come with the same baggage.

If you’re hoping that you’re going to be the special guy that fixes this, then I have news for you: you aren’t. This relationship dynamic existed before you and it will continue long after you’re gone. So unless you’re OK with that? It’s time to move on and find someone who’s actually available.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: If I’ve meet a girl in real life asked how she was and blah blah blah and shook hands, is okay to either Facebook message them or Snapchat them to have conversations, and I’m not one of creepy guys either??

Please help me out Doc.

Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Ask. When in doubt, use your words. “Hey, is it cool if I hit you up on Snapchat?” Otherwise, if you don’t already have an existing relationship with them, you’re not likely to get a great reaction.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)